Original subtitles

Well, I'm really glad we did this.

Yeah, I... that was wonderful.

I love Mother Courage. I think it's such a great play.

Yes, me too.

Mm, um, Marcus is at a friend's house tonight, yeah?

Did you, um, want me to come in, or...

- Oh. - I could...

- Have a glass of wine, or... - Boop!

Maybe-aybe another time. Ahem.

- Yeah. - Sure, have a great night.

You too.

- Oh, my God. - Are you spying on me?

It was like a car accident,

and I didn't want to look,

but I couldn't tear my eyes away.

Did you just "Boop" Mr. Chris on the nose?

Oh, he wanted to come in, and I...

- Panicked. - Why?

'Cause, you know,

- we haven't... - What?

You haven't shoveled snow together?

We haven't...

- Consummated. - What?

Ew. What are you...

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

You guys have gone on, like, what, six dates

and you guys haven't slept together?

Eight. And I know the time

- probably is now. - The time was six dates ago.

I'm out of practice and I can't get over this hurdle.

How do people just go from not having sex

to having sex? What happens in the middle?

Sex. Sex happens in the middle.

And in the beginning, and in the end.

Look, Mr. Chris isn't my favorite person

in the whole world, but he's still a guy.

He's still a human. You need to get over this,

you know, hurdle of yours

or he's not going to stick around, Fiona.

And when you do "do it," do not tell me.

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

[Cheers and applause]

[Screaming]

What?

And these are some of the ribs that we've eaten over the year.

We got the feelings wheel, some orange soda legs,

and we have the knife in the foot.

You know, honestly I think this is the moment

when our friendship just became undeniable.

Definitely. What's the hair?

Oh, the hair is actually your hair.

You see, I snuck into your bathroom

and took some from your shower drain.

There's even some of my mom's in there, too.

I just couldn't wait to show you until tomorrow.

Hmm.

Which would make today Manniversary Eve.

Right. Right, of course.

And that would make tomorrow...

Manniversary.

Can you believe it's a year ago tomorrow that we first met?

Obviously.

Aw, man, this is such a nice...

This is such a... Creative gift.

It is. He put a lot of work into it.

Lot of brainstorming, image boards,

- bone scrubbing. - Man, I can't wait

- to see what you got me. - Yeah, me neither.

Could I have a hint? No, no, no, I don't want a hint.

- Oh. - Okay, maybe just one hint.

Well, let me tell you something, Marcus.

I can't tell you what I got you

'cause obviously tomorrow's the actual day,

but what I can tell you as a hint,

is that it is exactly what you wanted.

- No, it's not. - [Chuckles]

- Yeah, it is. - You got me tickets

to the Golden Gate Femfest?

Mom, this is the greatest day of my life.

I know. The Golden Gate Femfest.

The folk festival of iconic female singers.

Marcus has been begging me to take him

- ever since we moved here. - And that is why

I have gotten you a ticket, buddy.

Yep, you're go... We're going.

Two tickets to Femfest. You and me.

Dreams are coming true.

VIP experience all the way, bud.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Does that mean what I think it means?

- I'm meeting Lisa Loeb? - Ah-

Grammy-nominated singer/songwriter/

eyeglasses trendsetter Lisa Loeb?

- I guess you are. - Oh, my God!

I have to find something to wear.

Something that says, "I'm obsessed with you,

but I'm still just a normal boy."

Um, maybe my Lisa Loeb shirt, and my Lisa Loeb beanie,

but, you know, just normal pants.

Yeah, I don't want to come across as a stalker.

All right, I love you, Will!

All right, buddy. See you later.

What the hell just happened?

You may not have those tickets yet,

but you're gonna get them.

Every man in that child's life lets him down,

you will not be another one, Will.

I don't even know who Lisa Loeb is.

You say I only hear what I want to

- Talk so all the time

- Please stop, please!

I mean, who in the world has ever even heard

of Golden Gate Femfest?

Um, we have. We go every year.

- What? - Yeah.

That's not something I scream from the mountaintops,

but Laurie loves a folk festival.

She becomes the Laurie I fell in love with.

She gets funny, wild,

- Sexy. - Oh, God, dude.

No underwear.

But I don't know what you're going to do.

It's been sold out for, like, a month.

- What? - Yeah, we got our tickets,

- like, four months ago. - Well, you gotta give me

your tickets then, because I can't let

the kid down, you know that.

You know, you take a lot, Will.

You will not take Femfest Laurie.

You will not.

Oh, hello. Hello, Marcus' English teacher.

- Um, Mr. Chris, is it? - Yes, hello.

Hello.

I wonder if we could have a word?

We... yes, I actually wanted...

I actually wanted to talk to you as well,

about Marcus' Death of a Salesmen paper.

- Good. - Both: Yes.

Let's go over here.

I was just... I was just thinking, um, ahem...

Instead of, uh, going out for dinner tomorrow night,

I thought perhaps we could stay in.

Marcus is going to be gone all evening.

So I thought that you could finally see my house.

- Oh. - You know, all the rooms.

That sounds great. What can I bring?

A bottle of red? Dessert?

No. No, no, no, no.

I-I will be providing dessert

with my body.

Your body is dessert, I got it.

Well, I'm excited.

Okay, yeah. I am, too.

I must go now.

This is the face of an excited person.

I just don't understand what you've been doing

for eight dates if you're not having sex.

Well, pfft.

He's a fascinating conversationalist.

I mean, he's traveled all over the world.

Exactly. Can you imagine what he knows,

- what he's learned? - Yeah.

He's learned six languages.

And he's currently learning conversational Zulu.

- No, I'm talking positions. - Positions?

Well, hold on, hold on. I mean, let's just review.

I mean, there's... There's basically two posit...

Well, there's three.

Lying down's one. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Flip... - Fiona, you have to learn

to turn the mom part off,

and the sex goddess part on.

Yeah, but how do I do that?

Well,

I take a shot of Goldschlager

and watch an episode of Orange is the New Black.

But that's what works for me.

You have to find what works for you.

How's your bedroom? Is it appropriate

to entertain a man in?

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I think... I think that's...

- I don't believe you. - I think that it...

that'll be our second stop.

Why? What...

Oh, God, no. I've shaved up to my knee.

Oh, honey, we're going way above the knee.

It's going to be like a little pinch.

Just give her what you give me.

Right this way.

- Brazilian? - No, British.

Do you think anybody else here

is celebrating their Manniversary?

I highly doubt it.

- Oh hey, look. - Hey.

- What's up, guys? - Hey.

- What's up? - Whoo.

Oh. Wow, Laurie.

You look different. Thank you very much, Will.

I said different. Keep your pants on.

How'd you get the tix?

- My buddy, Craig. - Mr. List, huh?

How have I never met this guy?

Marcus, are you excited?

I'm so excited, Laurie.

Hey, do you think I could have a brownie?

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, no, dude.

Those are Andy's brownies.

Adult brownies.

They have coffee in them.

Lots of coffee.

God, I hate being pregnant.

- I miss coffee. - That's okay.

I'll just have a rice krispie treat.

- Both: No. - Those have coffee, too.

Chicken kabob?

Seriously, guys? In the chicken kabobs?

- Yep. - You know what, that's fine.

You know, if I eat something I might throw up

- when I meet Lisa Loeb. - You're gonna meet Lisa Loeb?

Yeah. Will arranged the whole thing.

Really? Didn't know Mr. List had that hook-up.

Wow, Will.

I'm having feelings for you I've never felt before.

Oh, well, it was only a matter of time, Laurie.

Thank you, really. I'm flattered, but, never.

Even if Andy was hit by a truck and his last dying wish...

It was respect, Will. And it's gone.

Why has it always got to be a truck with you?

- It's so violent. - It's better than a car.

How'd you hook that up? She's the headliner.

- That's a big deal. - Because I'm very important,

that's how. Let's go meet Lisa Loeb.

Yeah, you are. [Chuckles]

I think you should lay off the coffee.

[Gasps]

Oh. My. God.

No, no.

You can't have sex in this room.

Why? Why not?

Okay, picture this:

You're in the bed about to get down and dirty.

Chris leans over to turn off the light

and what does he see?

Constipation, withholding, and your child.

Yeah, a family guide to soiling and wetting.

- No. - It's a...

- No. - But it's a relevant...

No, it's not. And with all the photos

- of Marcus. - Yeah, but he's my son.

Of course I got pictures of him in my bedroom.

Fiona.

Okay, I'll put Tedicus away.

Okay. Oh, hey.

I got you a gift.

- Oh, you did? - This is what I would wear

if I was spending the night with Mr. Chris.

Not that I've thought about it.

Is it a hairnet?

No.

It's lingerie!

I'll show you how to put it on.

Oh, my God, what are you wearing on your feet?

- Um, what... those? - No, nobody wants to have sex

- in clogs. - I do.

Here. Here.

Here. My mom always said,

"if you want to feel sexy, wear a pair of sexy boots."

Why did my mom buy me sex boots?

Maybe I need to go back to therapy.

Yeah, but don't sleep with your therapist again.

Well, I am a woman with needs, Fiona.

Oh, my God, he's here.

Okay, okay. Okay, calm down.

Breathe. You're going to go.

You're going to put on the boots.

I'll clean up your room.

- And I'll go out the window. - What?

I've done it before. Okay, go.

Boots.

That's a lot of Teddy bears.

I think my feet are a bit beefier than yours.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Here. - Oh, thank you.

- You look beautiful. - Thank you.

Wow.

Man, this is it, Will. VIP section.

I mean, if this is what we're doing

for out first Manniversary,

imagine what we'll do for, like, our 20th.

I mean, ten is tin, so, you know,

that one's obvious.

- Passes, please. - Oh, no, no, no.

We're with the band. Which band is that?

- Lisa Loeb. - Oh, okay.

- Passes, please. - Marcus, can you give us

a quick sec? Go check out

that Joni Mitchell cactus garden I saw before.

Look, Edison. That's a cool name by the way.

- You got any kids? - Seven.

Oh, my God. Seven?

Whoa, well done.

Same mom? That's not...

That's not my business. I don't know why I asked that.

But you get it, right?

When you promise a kid something,

you don't want to let them down.

That's your kid?

- He's my neighbor. - Okay, first off,

you're a grown man at Femfest

with your little boy neighbor.

- That's a little weird. - Well, I care about him

and he care about women's folk music.

- Is that weird? - Yeah, kinda.

Second off, I would never promise my kid

something I couldn't deliver on.

- Because I have integrity. - 200 bucks?

- I have seven kids. - Okay.

- Cost of integrity has gone up. - Way up.

All right. Marcus, we're in.

Don't be afraid to use some of that for condoms.

- This looks great. - Oh, yeah, I-I-

I think fondue is such a sensual food, isn't it?

Yeah.

I probably shouldn't have made it with cashew cheese 'cause...

- Oh. - I'm... gosh, it's really...

you know what? I'll just...

Scrape it out of there. It's gonna be fine.

Didn't think it through, really.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, yeah.

- Good. - Okay.

- Okay. - Oh, bloody hell, no.

Oh, ah. Don't touch me there.

I did a yoga class. Very sore.

Oh, look, we need more wine.

Marcus did write an excellent paper on Death of a Salesman.

Oh, did he? Oh, let's not talk about

Marcus now.

He's not really that interesting, is he?

Oh, you know, kids. [Snoring]

Boring, right? Wine?

- There we go. - Just a little, thanks.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Cheers.

Right. I'm done with the wine.

Should we have dessert?

- Upstairs dessert? - Fiona, Fiona.

- Why don't we just... - no, bupbup-bup.

Gotta get up to the boudoir.

And if you could meet me there,

just give me a minute 'cause I want to get ready.

Uh, count 100 Mississippi.

Or just count like an adult.

Oh!

Oh. How much longer are we

going to wait for Lisa Loeb?

You know what? We're not going to wait

for Lisa Loeb.

We're going to go after Lisa Loeb.

Come on.

She's gonna have the biggest trailer, right?

I bet it's purple. She loves purple.

It could also be a Hello Kitty trailer though.

She also loves Hello Kitty.

We could try to sniff out the coffee.

Because did you know Lisa Loeb has her own coffee brand?

And her own eyeglasses collection?

Man, I wish I was cool enough to wear glasses.

Bingo. Come on.

Oh, I think I just peed myself.

No, wait, that's just the juice box

I brought for Lisa Loeb.

She loves juice. Is she even in there?

I'm gonna need your help with this.

Oh, okay.

Are you sure we're allowed to do this?

Okay, I see a hunched over figure.

So beautiful, spunky, and wise.

Yeah, that's definitely her.

Oh, wait, she's getting up. She's looking at me.

- Is she happy or pissed? - Unclear.

But I am making eye contact with Lisa Loeb.

Excuse me.

You're coming with me. What's that, now?

Oh my God. What is...

Bloody hell, Dakota. That's not...

96 Mississippi.

Okay, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on.

- Oh! - 98 Mississippi.

Is it supposed to be that red?

- Is it? - 99 Mississippi.

God, he's such a bloody fast counter.

100 Mississippi.

All right. Coming!

Ahem.

- Wow, hi. - Hello.

- So this is your bedroom. - Yep.

Yeah. This is where the magic happens.

I mean, not all the time. Just occasionally.

Not that often. Um, should we sit on the bed?

- Yes, let's. - Okay.

- Are you limping, or... - No, no.

Have a seat under the mosquito net.

Sure. Just...

Oh. [Chuckles]

Great. [Chuckles]

Oh, dear.

The, uh, yeah. Um...

Boot actually does hurt quite a lot.

Well, do you want to take them off?

No. No, absolutely not.

- Are you shuddering? - Yes, actually.

Horribly painful.

Then wh... here, let me help you take this boot off.

Okay. Okay.

- You sure? I just... - Oh, no, no.

- I think you should just relax. - I've got good momentum.

- [Grunts] - Ahh!

Oh!

Bloody hell.

- Oh, my... oh, God! - Oh, is it... is it bad?

Yeah.

So you never had the VIP tickets, huh?

No, bud, I didn't.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because, you know, well, I just... I messed up.

I wanted to give you the best Manniversary ever,

but the problem is I didn't know

that Manniversary was an actual thing

until the day before.

There's no such thing as a Manniversary?

Eh.

Then I was a real jerk to the guy at the Hallmark store.

[Chuckles]

Look, I... you know, I thought I had the connections.

I thought I could get you to meet your idol,

but I couldn't, and, uh,

I'm sorry.

You know, Will, my mom always said,

"never meet your idol because they always disappoint you."

You see, that's why it's great I met you first

as the weird neighbor.

Then I realized you were the coolest person ever.

In what universe am I the weird neighbor?

This has been the best year of my life, Will.

You know, you may not know this about me,

but I didn't really have a lot of close friends

before I met you.

- Well, I knew. - I was just moving around

so much. It was pretty hard.

I always wanted a best friend.

And I never would have even dreamed

of having an awesome friendship like ours.

Me neither, buddy. Me neither.

I don't even need to meet Lisa Loeb.

Maybe we could just find Andy and Laurie

and have some adult brownies.

Well, I think we're going to skip the brownies,

but I'm gonna get us out of here.

Edison.

I probably should have said before, um,

but it's been a while since I've been with a man.

Um, I know sex isn't a big deal, I mean,

everybody does it, don't they?

And it... it's just a casual thing.

But it's not casual for me.

And I know that's exactly what every man wants to hear

right before he jumps in the sack with a girl.

Fiona, you're a single mother,

the parent of one of my students,

and you haven't dated in a decade.

You really think if I wanted something casual,

I'd pick you?

- Boop. - [Laughing]

I find you radiant, and funny, and fascinating.

I have loved getting to know you.

And I can wait.

I can't.

- Oh! - Oh, are you all right?

I'm gonna need another ice pack.

But I can wait.

Go buy yourself a car.

Oh, man.

Our seats are really far away.

We got to walk through a lot of hippies

and a lot of patchouli.

Maybe we should just find some seats

a little bit closer.

You know what, Will?

Maybe we should just call it a day.

I'm sorry, Marcus.

Right this way, miss Loeb.

You stay right here. I got this.

Hey, miss Lisa Loeb, miss Lisa Loeb.

I'm so sorry to bother you, so sorry Lisa Loeb.

But listen, my best friend over there,

it's our Manniversary. He is a huge fan of yours,

and it would be just a huge honor

if you would give him an autograph,

- or, like, a quick picture. - Those are the weirdos

who were peeking in your trailer.

Perverts.

Oh, my God, that was awesome!

Lisa Loeb winked at me!

- Lisa Loeb called us perverts! - Yeah!

- Best Manniversary ever. - Yeah!

Wait, shouldn't we go listen?

Lisa Loeb called us perverts, we're not going to top that.

And I thought what I felt was simple

And I thought that I don't belong

- Will. - What--

What are you doing? This is not acceptable.

- I had sex! - Ugh.

Fiona, I told you I didn't want to hear

- anything about this, okay? - I know, sorry.

- Twice! - Oh, stop it, all right.

Look, I'm very proud of you,

but we are never ever to speak of this again,

- do you understand? - Wait, one more thing.

and I know that you don't believe me

when I say that I had a lot of sex

Ugh!

Sex!

- T-t-twice. - Argh!

Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

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