Original subtitles

[Ready Set Go by Fran Hall playing]

Now it's been a long minute

since I've last seen you

you got sucked deep in...

Hey there, buddy. To what do I owe the intrusion?

You got a big homework project?

Not homework.

I'm on a top-secret mission.

My target? Shea Garcia-Miller.

My goal? Conversation.

At first.

Then possibly marriage, or you know,

just a committed partnership between equals.

Okay, back up here. This is the Shea

at you are forbidden to see?

[Sighs] The very same.

Am I to understand that you are

directly disobeying your mother?

Is my little Marcus becoming a bad boy?

Nope, still a proud mama's boy.

I'm getting around mom on a technicality.

You see, she forbade me to see Shea outside of school.

So nothing is stopping me from "accidentally" running into her

in school.

Nothing but the laws of physics, and my own significant

physical limitations.

Is Shea, uh, showing any signs,

any indication that she likes you back?

Okay, Will, I am up to my beanie in indication.

I've gotten three... count 'em... Three texts from her,

ranging from casual, like "what's up?"

- Really? - To the more intimate:

"Hey."

- What? - And in between P.E.

- and lunch yesterday? - Mmhmm?

I got shoulder.

I mean, it was over the jacket, but still.

- Hmm. Yeah. - [Doorbell rings]

Listen, as your ambiguously, you know, paternal figure,

I gotta tell you that this Shea, so far,

has been nothing but bad news.

But as your friend, I'm all for it.

Ah, hello.

- Are you Will Freeman? - Depends on who's asking.

But if it's you, then...

Then yes, yes, I am.

- You've been served. - Ooh.

What exactly are you serving?

Someone's suing you.

Jackass.

Did you get any shoulder?

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

who can't live up to what I already done, don't

here comes a comeback

the kid is back, is back on track

and there goes my hero

he's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

[Cheers and applause]

I am being sued, dude.

Someone named Anastasia Campbell

is claiming that she co-wrote Runaway Sleigh.

I don't even know who Anastasia Campbell is,

except some crazy person who's trying to steal my money.

This is serious, man.

This song is my endless buffet of cash.

Which begs the question,

why didn't anyone tell me how serious this was?

Didn't they?

I feel like Richard was telling you this for months.

"This is a huge, serious problem," that's a quote.

Well, my problems always go away, you know that.

I'm teflon, nothing sticks.

God, I hate you.

Everything sticks to me. I'm like velcro.

You know what? I gotta get a lawyer.

You have a lawyer! She's super hot.

- The one with the... - I slept with her.

You know that. It got awkward.

I need a lawyer that I'm not tempted to sleep with.

Laurie is a lawyer. We keep telling you this.

That is perfect.

I wouldn't sleep with Laurie if she were

the last female on a scorched planet earth.

What?

Because she's married to my best friend.

Otherwise...

Yeah.

[Doorbell jingles]

- Are we sure she works here? - Yes.

According to Google, there's an Anastasia Campbell

who's a pilates instructor here.

I don't know, dude,

I see a lot of toned bodies.

- [Gasps] - What?

[Whispering] Stalker Stacey!

- Who? Where? Where? - Get back here!

Stalker Stacey! Don't you remember?

The cute groupie I had mind-blowing sex with,

and then she got all crazy and wouldn't leave me alone?

- That Stacey? - Yes, dude!

Oh, my gosh! The one with the dance?

Yeah! It was...

Yeah. Oh, my God.

I tried to... I tried to let her down easy.

"Stacey" must be short for Anastasia...

Which is a beautiful name, actually.

Laurie and I should put that on the baby name list.

Oh, my God.

[Whispering] Will! Will! Will's gone.

Everyone, get into the down stretch.

Can I help you?

- Oh... - Are you here to take a class,

or are you just one of those creeps who likes to come in

and look at butts?

Well, I'm more of a boob man.

Do I know you?

[Doorbell jingles]

[Clock ticking]

[Bell rings]

[Rock music]

Tonight, tonight is the night

I'm gonna make it all right

tonight I'm out of control

I'm shining brighter than gold

I'm ready, I'm ready

I'm ready

ready, set, go

Oh!

Oh, gosh.

My teacher evaluations!

I just finished alphabetizing them!

And now they are scattered to the wind!

Okay, okay, let me help here, Principal G.

Oh, Marcus...

What has gotten into you of late?

Yeah, I've never seen you roam the halls

with such reckless abandon.

[Sighs]

[Woman gasping on video]

Hey, uh, Fiona, you got a minute?

Yeah, I'm just doing some doula research.

Look at this amazing woman in the Amazon.

She's using gravity to help the birthing process.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Fiona, please!

I can't unsee that!

Can you just stop for one second

with the rainforest porn?

But it's natural! That is a vagina!

Oh! That is not what vaginas are for!

Now, I actually... I need some advice, please.

I have a stalker.

- Do you? - Yes.

And I'm hoping that your crazy

can shed some light on her crazy.

Offended...But quite curious. Carry on.

I thought I'd gotten rid of stalker Stacey a long time ago,

but all of a sudden, she turns up,

and out of nowhere,

slaps this ridiculous lawsuit on me.

- A lawsuit? - Mm-hmm.

Blimey, that's a bit unpleasant.

- Right, so... - Oh, wait.

Did you say her name was Stacey?

Yes. Why?

A few months ago when you were in New York,

I came home one day and there was a girl banging on your door.

She was in a rather desperate ensemble.

- Go on. - Well, no.

I just remember 'cause her name was Stacey.

Do you know if Will's home?

Oh, no, he doesn't live here.

He's, uh... he moved to New York with his girlfriend.

- He has a girlfriend? - Yeah, yeah.

- Doctor Sam. - Really?

And then she got very, very, very upset.

And so I offered her, you know, a few words of encouragement.

Stacey, you seem like a vibrant,

very attractive young woman.

You don't need to settle

for the crumbs that Will Freeman threw you.

You need to value yourself higher, don't you?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yeah, you deserve much, much more.

She deserves much, much more?

More than you. Much more than you.

- You. You did this. - Did what?

This lawsuit is your fault.

No, it's not! I did... I just gave her advice!

You told her point blank to go after my money!

You...

Scratched my teflon.

It was you.

And you are going to fix this.

Fix this right now!

I really noticed you engaging your core more than ever.

[Clears throat]

Stacey?

Hi, you probably don't remember me.

- Fiona! - Whoa!

- Strong little thing, aren't you? - Oh, my God!

Of course I remember you.

- Oh! - Are you kidding me?

How could I forget the woman who literally

changed the course of my life?

- Did I? Did I? - You did.

I mean, you are such a wise woman.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

I mean, really I'm just, you know,

a conduit for the wisdom of others.

You're so modest. No, literally, because of you,

I have completely changed the course of my life.

I mean, I'm no longer looking for mindless hookups.

- Thank God. - Good.

And I'm just focusing on what I really deserve.

Aw...

- Money. - Oh.

And you helped me see that.

Well, if I could offer up another piece of wisdom?

- Sure. - Um...

When I said that I thought you deserved more,

I meant emotionally.

- Emotionally? - Yeah, emotionally.

Not financially.

You see, when I said you should value yourself more,

that's what I meant.

Emotionally, and not financially.

Yeah, you see that?

Now you're getting it. Well done, you!

I get it.

You're here because Will sent you, aren't you?

You are here to talk me out of the lawsuit.

Well, and to do a bit of pilates.

Stiff neck.

Arms in the straps, everyone, please.

Um, we're gonna start class on our backs today.

It's gonna be a very, very intense class.

[Inhales loudly] Remember to breathe.

Okay, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

Of course.

My helpless victims of wrongful eviction can wait.

Way more important to help you deal with the groupie gone wild.

Get off my desk.

Okay, hostile vibe, I'm feeling it.

Okay? Registered.

But I just want you to take a quick look at this

and tell me that this Stacey is just a wack-a-doo

with, uh, you know, no real case.

Is this wack-a-doo a former lover?

I wouldn't say "lover."

I mean, we had a, roughly, eight-night stand

back when I wrote my platinum hit single.

You better hope this doesn't go to trial.

- Get off my desk. - Okay, listen.

I'm not saying I was a gentleman, all right?

Gentleman? [Scoffs] I've defended serial killers

that were more sympathetic than you.

Fine. I admit it, okay? I admit it.

I was a bit of a lady-killer back then.

But I promise you that she had nothing, and I repeat,

nothing to do with writing this song.

So I just need you to tell me that this

is much ado about nothing, that it's just a drawing

in the sand that'll be, you know,

washed away with the tide.

Do you even hear the steaming crap

that just falls out of your mouth?

That was a solid metaphor.

Okay, get off my desk! Sit in the chair.

Okay, you know what?

Your bedside manner needs some serious attention.

It doesn't matter how wack-a-doo,

or to use an adult word, meritless her case.

This thing could still drag on for years.

- Years? What? - Oh!

She's not just looking for future checks.

She wants back royalties.

- This girl means business. - Back royalties?

She can't do that. That's not fair.

You think our legal system is fair?

You're lucky you have good hair, because you are the dumbest...

Just dumbest...

- Individual I have ever met! - Can you just stop obsessing

about my hair for one second and just tell me what to do?

The best thing you can do right now is nothing.

Do not reach out to this woman.

No contact. Zero.

Just try to keep going, even if it's so tough

that you feel like you might fall apart.

Try to keep breathing,

try to keep finding the strength inside.

Keep breathing, keep breathing, yeah, keep working that chest,

open and close, open and close,

but don't open the chest too wide,

because that is how you get hurt,

because that's where your heart is.

Ooh, Stacey.

Stacey, are you all right?

- [Sobbing] - Oh, Stacey.

No, don't close your heart.

Class dismissed.

[Bell rings]

[Teenage Heart by Team Spirit playing]

Come on, come on

come on, baby

come on, give me the benefit of the doubt

I swear that I will do my

be-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-est

come on, baby

I'm just human

and I'm trying to figure it all out

I swear that I will do my

be-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-est

I should have told you from the start

that I still suffer from a teenage heart

[Panting]

Hey. Hey.

Hey. My breath is ass.

You have any gum?

Oh, um, maybe.

No.

Too bad.

How could you not have any gum?

Ugh! Such an idiot.

You monster!

This doesn't sound promising.

You broke that poor woman's heart!

Poor woman?

She is a parasitic groupie who is trying to extort me.

Oh, really? Well, that's not the story that Stacey tells.

You know, perhaps if the blood

that is supposed to feed your brain

weren't constantly being redirected elsewhere,

you would remember things more clearly.

What are you talking about?

She was there the night that you wrote that song, Will.

What?

She nurtured your writing process.

She was... and you know what?

I can completely relate to this...

Your songwriting doula.

Oh, my... any excuse to bring up the word "doula."

- Any excuse! - No, not any ex-you know what?

All you had to do was just say you're sorry.

The only thing that I am sorry for

is sending you in to do the job, okay?

From now on I am lawyering up,

and we are settling this thing in court.

Monster.

- Doula. - That's not even an insult!

[Mocking] That's not even an insult!

[Prove My Love by Violent Femmes]

Special favors come in 31 flavors

Hey, Shea. I got you some water.

Wait. No, wait!

Candy for candy-coated tongue

what do I have to do?

Yeah, tell me now

what do I have to do?

I'd do anything

what do I have to do?

I'd do it all

what do I have to do?

I'd do it all for you

Looking for gum?

'Cause I've got a plethora of options.

I got the classics, I've got Wrigley, Bazooka.

I mean, if you're looking for something edgier,

I got Winter Mint Extreme.

And I would have to advise against the watermelon

because it got a little bit sweaty under my armpits.

Dude, stop. Seriously.

Stop being such a creepy little stalker.

All I did was monitor all her movements and activities,

and then devise ways to run into her.

How does that make me creepy?

Well, uh...I don't know.

Maybe she needs time to come around to your

enthusiastic, persistent style.

I know I did.

I ruined everything.

Man, I'm such an idiot.

- You're not an idiot, Marcus. - I am.

And I'm used to people calling me names,

like dweeb, loser, fart nugget...

But when Shea called me a stalker...

Will, you don't have any idea what it's like

to have someone you care about make you feel like a monster.

Stacey.

Hi. Uh...

You're looking... You're looking wel...

You're looking very, very healthy.

What can I do for you, Will?

Uh, well, I was... [Clears throat]

Hoping that we could...Talk.

Hmm. Well, let me think about it.

Um, no, I'm not interested in talking, okay?

All you're gonna do is try to tell me to drop my lawsuit,

and I'm not interested in dropping my lawsuit.

I wasn't gonna tell you to do that.

I... really, I just...

I would like to talk, just you and me.

You know what, this isn't a therapist's office, Will.

This is a pilates studio.

So if you want to talk, then get on a machine.

Oh, no, I... well, I actually just did abs, you know?

And they're barking pretty good.

Well, then we're not gonna talk.

Okay.

What do I do, I just sit on...

Just sit down on this bad boy here?

No, that's way too easy.

Let's get you going on that guy.

Oh, the strappy thing.

Are you sure about that?

Positive.

Okay.

Yeah, this is a little dungeon-y.

I'll put my hands in these fuzzy little friends here.

Oh, yeah, you're right. You know, I can already feel

my core kind of firing up.

Ahh. Doesn't seem too tough.

Yeah, that's real funny. Real funny.

Now get your hands out of there and put in your feet.

That seems a little tougher.

It is painful! It's very painful!

Good! Excellent.

Now, why don't we hold this pose for a count of...

Oh, I don't know... Two weeks?

Which is how long it took you to text me back

after the first time we slept with each other.

In my defense, texting was just...

It was in its infancy, infancy back then.

Uncle! Uncle! Too much pain!

Well, now we know you can feel something.

Okay, I probably... I probably deserve that.

- Sure did. - I swear to you,

I didn't come here to get you to drop the lawsuit.

I came to tell you that I'm sorry.

I... really, I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

I probably was kind of a bad guy.

Uh, no, you were definitely a bad guy.

Look.

I was... I was a selfish jerk back then,

and I surrounded myself with other selfish jerks,

and basically just spent my life jerking people around.

- Mm-hmm. - But I really...

I've got better people in my life right now

who are helping me see the world

and see that there are other people in it.

And I know that this is gonna be hard for you to believe,

but I am not that guy anymore.

And so, I'm...

I'm just sorry.

That's... that's all I really have to say.

I'll get out of your way.

Wait.

Are you really not that guy anymore?

I pinky swear.

But you're still that guy

in the one way that really counts, right?

Oh, hell yeah.

[Footsteps approaching]

[Footsteps resume]

[Metal clattering]

[Footsteps resume]

[Rapid footsteps approaching]

- Boo. - Ah!

How does it feel getting followed around everywhere?

- Not great. - That's right.

You know what, pasty?

I actually wouldn't mind hanging out with you once in a while

if you could... Just be a little bit cooler.

I could totally be cooler.

You sure?

Well, no, but I mean, if I like...

If I formulate a strategy,

put together a focus group, I can get there.

You are one weird, little dude.

So, do you wanna join my focus group?

[Door opens and closes]

Well, I'm not hearing a "no."

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Look! Look! Look there!

She's crowning with one giant moment of ecstasy!

Oh, look, it's a... Very gifted boy.

[Baby cries on video]

That's the umbilical cord, Andy.

[Groans]

- Oh, hey, guys. - Hey.

Listen, I just wanted you to know

that I really thought about what you said, Fiona,

and took your advice and apologized to Stacey.

- Aw! - No.

Don't take her advice. She's not a lawyer!

[Whispers] She's not even a doula.

Do you know I am so proud of you, Will?

I feel like I planted a seed inside of you,

and now I'm watching it blossom into a colossal tree

of great character.

Yeah, I apologized to her, um, several times last night,

and after this restorative beverage...

I'm gonna go upstairs and apologize to her

a couple more times.

That's my guy right there.

What a puny shrub of disappointment

you turned out to be.

Hey, you have your way of solving problems,

I have mine.

Mine's a bit more fun.

Um, but listen, to celebrate her dropping the lawsuit,

I was wondering, should I buy a boat or a motorcycle?

- I vote for the boat. - That's one for the boat.

I'm calling a lawyer and having a restraining order

slapped on your penis.

Can you just stop obsessing about my penis?

- What does that mean? - I can't believe

what you're doing to this wounded, naive,

innocent young woman.

- Okay, we'll go boat. - Bye, Will.

Thanks for all the sex. Super fun.

- It was my pleasure, and yours. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and by the way, this changes nothing.

I'm totally still suing you.

Hi, Fiona! Hi!

How does that affect the boat?

Sync & corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0