Original subtitles

[Vampire Weekend's Finger Back]

Bend my finger back, snap

Wrap it in a paper towel

Break a twig in half and set it straight

Hit me with a wood bat, hit me with a canister

That's fired while the soldiers drive away

Bend the finger back, snap

On and on and on and on for days

Hit me with a wood bat, hit me like a yankee

Like a son of freedom, never as a slave

It's etiquette, you idiot, spend time behind the line

Show sympathy to L.A., where the sun don't ever shine

Everybody wants you, but baby you are mine

Baby, you're not anybody's fool

Bless me with a heart attack, a real crise cardiaque

And show me where to find the surgeon's knife

Bend my finger back, snap

On and on and on and on with strife

Listen to my bum rap, listen to the evidence

Exonerating me from being right

It's etiquette, you idiot, spend time behind the line

Show sympathy to L.A., where the sun don't ever shine

Baby, you're not anybody's fool

Wow. Can you believe we built this?

Well, if we're being factual, I built this,

but you were very good in the "flinching in fear" department.

What is up with you and hammers, dude?

Well, it's number four on my list

of things that I'm afraid of.

There's snakes, guns, peanuts, hammers, and quicksand.

Quicksand?

You know that mostly exists only in the movies, right?

Says every quicksand victim ever.

Well, hammering is like a male rite of passage,

so you're definitely gonna have to try it

before we're done building this house.

Oh, hey, check it out.

I thought we wouldn't want any girls in our man cave.

[Laughs] Marcus, you know, there's gonna come a time

where you're gonna welcome spending time

with a member of the fairer sex.

A special girl will come into your life

and bring about a seismic shift in how you see the world.

Oh, it's really coming along, isn't it?

- Can I come up? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Grunts]

I would let you up here,

but Marcus just made this lovely sign.

Hmm.

Well, I found this brilliant hemp fabric

at a garage sale,

and I'm going to make some curtains for your fort.

Okay, listen, this is a tree house.

It's not some hippie hideout for beatnik Barbie.

Oh, well, you just sassed yourself

out of sustainable curtains, didn't you?

Sam. What's going on?

What... what... are you okay?

Actually, no.

You know my crazy neighbor down the hall, the hoarder?

Uh...

You live in proximity to a hoarder?

Cool. Is she living in her own filth?

Is her place infested with vermin?

Did they have to remove her with a crane?

Stop. Stop. Stop it.

Yes, yes, and it wasn't a crane.

- It was a forklift. - Oh.

But, you know, all the tenants and myself...

we were all forced to evacuate,

so I have no idea what I'm gonna do,

where I'm gonna go.

Oh, well, you should stay here with me.

- Really? - Really?

Yeah, really. I mean, it'll be so fun.

It'd be like an extended slumber party.

You can stay as long as you want.

That's... is so... generous.

And honestly, it's a massive, massive relief.

I mean, when they told me the building was condemned--

Con--say that again. Condemned?

It's only temporary.

Just until, you know, I figure this all out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sighs] You are such a lifesaver.

Oh, you're moving in now. Okay, great.

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

[Cheers and applause]

Alex, don't touch your sister again!

- Hey, Laurie. - Will, if you're sitting,

- you're folding. - Okay.

You don't have to dump... I would've folded more.

Dude, I'm excited about this. It's gonna be nonstop...

[Whispering] Sex,

[normal voice] Just like that movie "9 1/2 Weeks",

but hopefully for, you know, less than that amount of time,

but you know what I mean.

For the record, that movie was total bull.

No adult couple in a real relationship

has s-e-x for straight 9 1/2 weeks.

- Not when they wear these. - Grow up.

Come on. Grow up.

I think it's great.

This is almost the exact same way

that me and Laurie ended up living together.

- Right, honey? - Yeah, yeah.

My landlord raised my rent

'cause I was refusing his advances... pig.

So, while I was looking for a new place,

I stayed with Andy.

And before you know it, it just became...

- Both: Permanent. - Permanent.

Well, this is temporary. Sam said so.

First, you know, it was so gradual,

you just don't even see it coming.

There's, like, a toothbrush in my toothbrush holder,

and then there was throw pillows,

scented candles. Remember the candles?

Why are you saying scented candles

like they're a good thing?

Because they're nice, especially in the bathroom.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Now I remember.

- You got Laurie'd. - What?

- Shut up, man. - What's Laurie'd?

Yeah, that's what we called it.

He called it.

More and more of your stuff came in,

and more and more of Andy's stuff just went away.

I can't believe you called it that.

He called it that, and I said,

"this is inappropriate. This is the girl I love."

Remember?

[Gasps]

Scented candle.

- Sam? - Up here.

[Sighs]

"9 1/2 weeks" baby.

[Sighs]

Wow.

This is pretty cool.

- Sex in the middle of the day? - Well, that...

And my pulse is already back to its resting heart rate.

Look at that.

[Chuckles]

Let's see.

- Not even close. - [Chuckles]

Hey, babe?

Is it cool if I hang a few shirts in the closet?

Uh, yeah, no problem.

What's all this stuff?

Says the man hiding moisturizing gloves

under his sink.

[Chuckles] That's a good one, babe.

- Knock, knock. - Hey.

So I don't believe in cutting flowers,

but I do believe in housewarming gifts,

so I bought this potted succulent for Sam.

Looks... looks, uh, nice.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi.

I don't believe in cutting flowers,

but I do believe...

Once was plenty, I think.

- Welcome to the neighborhood. - Oh, that is so sweet.

You know, I know the perfect place for this. Come on.

You keep this up, I might never leave.

Never leave? [Chuckles]

I think we should all have dinner together sometime

now that we're neighbors.

- Honestly... - You know what?

We would love that, and you know what?

- We should do it at our place. - "Our place."

What about on, uh... on, uh, Saturday?

Yeah, our place.

Well, the thing is, that's a week away,

and also, you know, with you being so busy

looking for a new place, or at least, you know,

you'll be really busy, busy...

Did you already start the apartment search?

Yes. Well, I mean, sort of.

- I'm figuring out my options. - Right.

There's actually a lot to consider.

- Yeah. - So...

- Yeah. - Um, but you know what?

I think that we'll be able to make Saturday work, Fiona.

- Great. - Yeah.

"I'm figuring out my options.

There's actually a lot to consider."

I mean, the wording is so vague. What does that even mean?

I'm afraid I'm gonna need more context

if you want me to be of any assistance, Will.

There isn't any.

Your mom asked Sam if she was looking for an apartment,

and Sam said, "there's actually a lot to consider."

It's the "actually" that's troubling.

- Do you see what I mean? - I really don't.

This might be one of those situations

where you're better served speaking with an adult.

I guess I'm just... I'm scared I'm being Laurie'd.

I'm not familiar with "Laurie" as a verb.

Oh, it's where your apartment and your life

just gets taken over

without your knowledge or consent.

- That can actually happen? - It actually can.

Have you given any more thought to hanging up my sign?

Yeah, you know, I actually...

I actually have.

[Laughs] I'm cool with it.

I am totally cool with it. No girls allowed.

[Grunts] All right, man.

Nail that in. Courage.

- Marcus, dinner's ready. - Tell her you're busy.

Come on.

Uh, can I have five more minutes, mom?

I'm considering doing something symbolically meaningful here.

You too, Will. Come on.

- Food's gonna get cold. - Okay, I got to go.

- Ugh. Wuss. - Boys, huh?

Yeah, this could take a while.

I made guacamole, and I ate most of it

while I was making the rest of dinner.

You wouldn't happen to have any extra avocados, would you?

I do. Come over.

Okay.

Right.

There we are.

Come sit down. Do you want a glass of wine?

No, it's okay. I'm not drinking.

Oh, I am.

So how's the apartment search going?

I saw you hesitate a bit the other day.

You caught that.

You don't think, uh, Will noticed, do you?

Nah, doubt it. I mean, he's a man, isn't he?

- What is it? - Huh?

- Huh? - Nothing.

I mean, maybe something. I don't know.

Things have been going really well with Will and I,

but the other day,

life kind of threw me a curveball,

something I wasn't expecting,

at least not this soon in our relationship.

Oh.

And this, uh, unexpected thing...

did you talk to Will about that yet, did you?

Not yet. You know, I...

I didn't want to get ahead of myself,

because I'm not gonna be sure for, like, another day or so,

but I do know that it doesn't make any sense

to look for an apartment until I'm positive.

Mm-mm.

Mm.

Wow.

Well, I used to despise avocados,

and then when I was pregnant with Marcus,

I craved them. Craved.

God, what are those boys doing?

I'm starving.

He is so great with Marcus.

I could really see happily ever after

happening for us...

marriage, kids, the works.

He's gonna be a great dad.

Wow. Multiple forks.

It's not too pretentious, is it?

No, no, I think it's just the right amount of pretentious.

Hey, I think three forks are classy.

Well, I just didn't realize we were eating

so many different-sized foods.

- [Knock at door] - Oh.

- Our guests are here. - "Our guests."

- Hi, guys. Well, come on in. - Hello.

Well, I was gonna bring some wine,

but then I thought you might appreciate avocados more.

Do you appreciate avocados more?

They are definitely appreciated.

We're not having guacamole tonight,

but I always love a good avocado.

Yeah.

[Whispering] Oh, so... so I know it's not my business,

but the unexpected life thing...

did you find out for sure about that?

Um, I did, and, uh...

- It is for sure. - [Gasps]

- How did Will take it? - I haven't told him yet.

I'm just kind of terrified of how he's gonna react.

Aw.

- [Timer buzzes] - Ooh, that's the quiche.

- Want to help? - Sure.

- Did you hear that, dude? - Hear what?

Quiche. It's come to quiche.

- I love quiche. - [Sighs]

Everything is really delicious, Sam.

And the second fork really adds a sense of occasion.

Oh, thank you, Marcus. So how's the tree house coming?

I'd love to come up and see it sometime.

I'm afraid that won't be possible,

cause Will finally agreed

to put up my sign disavowing women.

- No women, huh? - [Chuckles]

Afraid we're gonna be too awesome

for your little clubhouse?

We're not afraid of your awomeness.

We're afraid you might try and Laurie us.

[Chokes] I just...

Laurie you.

- What does that mean? - Kids are so hilarious.

They're adorable too, aren't they, Will?

Children are adorable.

Seriously, what does "Laurie you" mean?

You know what? It's really hard to explain.

- It's kind of complicated. - Not really.

Laurie'ing is when your tree house gets taken over

without your immediate awareness.

It's sort of like what you're doing with Will's apartment.

- Dude! - What?

Now that I hear it out loud, I can see

how that could be viewed as a negative thing.

- You think I'm taking over? - No, not at all.

Listen, here's the deal.

Maybe I do a little bit, but Andy loved being Laurie'd,

and maybe I'll learn to like it too.

It just... it feels, you know, very kind of permanent.

Not permanent... sudden.

I think we should go.

But I haven't gotten to try my third fork.

I've been told it's for dessert.

- Well... - You know what?

You guys stay. I'm leaving.

Sam, wait.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - I never meant

for this situation to be permanent, Will.

I just needed a place to stay.

Sam.

I'm sorry, Will.

I can't help but feel like I had something to do

with Sam storming out.

No, no, you had nothing to do with it.

Maybe you should be running after her,

because maybe there are things happening

that you don't know about.

We just all need to cool off, I think.

All right, Marcus, you need to go home now.

Go on, darling. I've got to talk to Will.

Back through the dumbwaiter. Go on.

Run, run, run. Just trust me.

Run after her now.

Why are you being so weird and aggressive?

Oh, God, you're such a man.

Look around.

Don't actually look around. Look at the signs.

She moves in.

She's taking her time getting an apartment.

She's eating a lot of avocados.

And I, for one, have noticed

how her breasts have become significantly engorged.

You've been checking out Sam's rack?

I'm not. Ew! No!

Oh, my God. I shouldn't be saying this.

Sam...

Is expecting something

that she wasn't expecting,

and she's worried about your reaction

when she tells you her news

of what she is expecting.

What?

She is expecting.

- Sam is pregnant? - Oh!

We're gonna have a baby?

Wait, wait. Where are you going?

You can't really run away from this.

Okay, what... what are you doing now?

- I'm looking for tampons. - Why?

Because women don't need tampons when they're pregnant.

Oh, yeah, 'cause that's the first thing women do

when they think they're pregnant.

They Chuck away all their tampons.

- You know what? - I'm so freaked out right now.

Can we just stop talking about tampons for once?

- Okay. - Okay, okay, okay.

Just... all right.

Okay.

A baby.

I can't... I can't...

is there any world

in which I'm equipped for this?

- Eh. - [Sighs]

[Hammer pounding]

Come here.

[Clears throat]

This right here is a hammer.

Yeah, and it's heavy.

Yes, it makes a lot of loud noises,

and, yes, a hammer injury is a valid fear,

but it is time to cross that fear off your list.

There's no pressure here, but I need you to do this,

because if I can teach you how to hammer in a nail,

then maybe in some crazy way,

it means I really can do the whole father thing.

Okay. I mean...

[Sighs]

If you need me to.

Oh, it's, uh...

- [Sighs] - It's heavier than it looks.

This thing's kind of a death stick, isn't it?

You can do it. I know you can.

Okay, just...

There you go.

[Both screaming]

Okay, okay. Easy, buddy, easy. Settle down.

Let me see. Open up for me.

- Oh! - Aah!

Fiona, Fiona!

- It's really bleeding, Will. - Fiona!

I'm not so good with blood.

I'm with you less than ten minutes,

and you almost lose your thumb.

- I'm gonna lose my thumb? - No, no, almost.

You almost lose your thumb.

Okay, I'm gonna call your doctor.

Sam is your doctor. She's not gonna pick up my call.

This is unbelievable, okay?

I alienate your doctor,

and I almost kill you in one weekend.

What kind of father is that?

My life is flashing before my eyes.

- You're in it a lot. - Where's the first-aid kit?

- It's under the sink! - Okay. All right, man.

[Grunts]

- All right. - Is, um...

Is this gonna hurt?

- Like a bitch. - What?

Alright, he comes the agony,

but if it hurts too much, you punch me in the face, okay?

I've always found pains eaer to manage when it's shared.

All right, here it comes.

Get in there.

Good job, dude.

You took that like a man.

It did hurt like a "b" word,

but I was physically and emotionally prepared.

Listen, I will never lie to you, okay?

So you have to trust me

when I tell you that the worst part is over,

and when this heals, man,

you're gonna have a very cool scar

that will remind you of the day that you became a man,

you little hammering stud.

- Thanks, Will. - Ooh.

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna go clean the blood out of the tree house.

All right, that's a good call.

[Exhales sharply]

Listen...

You've got nothing to worry about.

You're gonna be an incredible dad.

[Indistinct P.A. announcement]

Sam.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Can I talk to you somewhere? - Yeah, let's...

You were right, okay?

I-I have gotten very used to my life...

the stuff, the space, the freedom.

And when you moved in, I just got scared, you know?

I got scared that...

that I would lose all that stuff,

but I shouldn't have been focused on what I was losing.

I should've been focused on what I was getting back,

and being with you has changed me, Sam.

I have never been this crazy

about anyone,

and I just... I don't want to screw it up.

I don't want to screw it up either.

Will, maybe you want to sit down.

Maybe we should both sit down. Um...

I have some pretty big news to talk to you about.

Well, I just want you to know that I'm not...

I'm not scared at all.

Actually, I am scared. [Laughs]

I'm... I'm, uh, terrified, but I'm ready.

- I really am. - Ready for what?

The big news.

What are you talking about?

Uh, don't get mad at her, but Fiona told me.

Wait. Fiona knows about my job offer?

The big news is the...

the big news is the job offer?

That's incred... that's incredible.

I applied months before we met.

- Yeah. - And... and it's, um...

It's an appointment at an academic hospital.

An appointment at an academic hospital.

- Yeah, it was a long shot. - That's amazing.

And the day that my building got condemned

was when I found out I made it to the final round.

The final round. Of course you did.

You're the best doctor in the world.

And, Will, I...

I got it.

- I-I got the job. - You got the job.

- You got the job. - I did.

- But, hey. - What?

It's in New York.

- I'm moving to New York. - What?

But I love you.

I love you, Sam.

I'm really sorry, Will.

I tried to stop her, but she just completely ignored our sign.

It's okay, buddy. Onetime exemption.

- Did you talk to Sam? - I did.

- Did she tell you? - Yep.

And?

Sam is moving to New York.

She's taking our baby to New York?

Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

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