Original subtitles

_

Well now, do you think there's enough glitter on it?

There's not enough glitter in the world to express how excited I am.

My mom coming into my school

to volunteer every day for an entire week.

Oh yeah! Ho, ho, ho, yeah!

Hello, pretty. Come to papa.

What's in the envelope, Will?

Well, every time "Runaway Sleigh"

is played anywhere in the world, I get royalties.

And then once a quarter, I get a big-ass check in the mail.

Wow! How big-ass is it?

Yeah, no, money is a private matter, darling.

Okay, big money, big money!

No whammy!

Yeah!

Hey

We're rich!

Bloody hell!

Uh-uh! Huh! Huh!

Come on, quit bogarting the shark.

Let me just fly it.

Awesome!

A golf club that dispenses beverages!

Hell-o! What do we have here?

Ice-cold margaritas on demand. Come to papa.

Dude, what's with all the "come to papa" lately?

Dr. Sam loves margaritas.

What's a margarita, Will?

It's like a snow cone of bad decisions.

Cool!

So Dr. Sam... She call you back?

Nope! Just a solitary curt text.

"Sorry, Will, super busy."

Have you been going through my cell phone?

Sometimes it's the best way to get to know a person.

Personally, I would've drawn the line

at five unreturned calls,

but I respect your tenacity, Will.

Here, go tell the sales chick you wanna buy a shark.

- Really? - Actually, get two.

- We're gonna wanna battle them. - Awesome!

Royalty checks are, like, my second favorite thing now.

Yeah, after hope and love.

What?

Did you want a shark too? You just have to ask, Andy.

No, I don't want a shark.

Yes, I want a shark. Of course I want a shark.

I'm just worried about you and this Dr. Sam situation.

You're not the guy who calls a girl a million times.

I know, man! I can't help it.

This girl is just ruining me!

You know what? You can't call her again.

Never again! You know why?

Because it's getting pathetic. You're pathetic.

No, but you're right.

Although...

If I were to throw a party,

then it wouldn't be pathetic to call,

or even go by the hospital,

because I'd have a reason to, right?

If you love something...

Set it free.

Or if you love something,

you lure it to your house with margaritas.

Come... to papa!

This was, like, the best day ever!

I wanna be independently wealthy when I grow up.

Darling, I want you to understand

there is great joy that comes from earning money

from a job well done.

There is also a joy from buying

a $500 margarita machine to bag a babe.

- What did you just say? - I-I'm not actually sure. I was repeating.

Mini Society cannot begin soon enough, methinks.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be assigning

every villager with a different job.

Look, you could be a blacksmith.

Or a baker.

You really get your hands dirty with that one, but we clean them afterwards.

- Mini society has a king? - Well...

Think how many royalty checks kings get!

Could you make me king?

No, because, you know, they're chosen at random.

I wanna be king.

I must be king!

Oh, I should've made it a Republic.

Hey! Jaws is making his final approach, man.

I wanna go on record as saying that this is not a good idea.

- Noted. - There's no way

that thing is sterile.

It could literally kill someone... maybe me.

[Groans] What's happening now?

Hey, shut up! She's taking the envelope.

- Ah! - Stop moving around, dude!

- She's taking the envelope. - What? I'm not moving around.

My back is involuntarily spasming.

[Struggling] I can't hold it.

- She took it! - _

- Yes! - Ah!

Yes! She gave me the thumbs up, man!

- Ow! - Dr. Sam said yes!

- Get off me! - [Laughing]

Whoo-hoo!

Ooh...

The humanity.

Here we go

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

[Cheers and applause]

And next up is Hannah.

Hannah will be the...

Candlemaker!

Candlemaker?

As in a person who makes candles?

When my mom was parent volunteer for my sister's class,

the theme was Hunger Games.

My sister got to be District 1 tribute.

It was kind of spectacular.

Thank you.

Well, now everyone's been assigned their roles

in Dickensian England except Marcus and Ruth.

Oh, man, nobody's been picked as king yet!

50/50 odds.

I'm already mentally furnishing my palace.

Okay, well, I'm going to be choosing for Marcus now.

Come on. Big money, big money, no whammy!

Come to papa!

Um... Oh!

Two got stuck together. Hold on.

And, uh...

Marcus is slopmaster!

One pound a year.

[Fanfare playing]

Which makes you the king.

Heck, yeah, it does!

[Lighthearted music]

Oh, Marcus, why so glum?

Will, you're not gonna believe this.

I got assigned slopmaster in Dickensian England!

What is a slopmaster?

It's a master of slop. What's confusing about that?

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Know what I'm gonna do for you?

I'm gonna give you $20. There you go, buddy.

Thanks, Will, but contemporary American currency can't help me.

- Only fake money can. - [Sighs]

I guess I'm doomed to this hand that life has dealt me.

Marcus, you know what my life was like

before "Runaway Sleigh"?

[Sighs] Well, I will tell you.

Being an unemployed musician in San Francisco

is a lot like being a slopmaster in Dickensian England.

Really? You, too, roamed the sewers penniless,

diseased, and stinking of feces?

Well, no, but I did eat a lotta ramen,

and I certainly couldn't buy cool stuff for my friends

like mylar sharks or throw extravagant parties

when girls I like refuse to call me back.

But now I can. And do you know why?

Because the mailman comes and gives you

endless streams of cash?

That, and I refuse to settle for my station in life.

I took initiative, and I chose to rise above it.

But a slopmaster can't write a famous Christmas song.

You'll figure something out.

There's gotta be another way to make some fake money.

Hmm.

_

Hello, chicken. Do you want to see

the signs I made for market day?

Oh, please say you do.

Not now. I'm focused on improving my station in life.

Oh, are you? Oh, great.

Actually, I'm glad you brought that up.

Did you know that you can earn pounds

in Mini Society

by doing tasks for other people?

See, it's always possible to make money

no matter how much you reek of poverty.

I know, Will already talked to me about that.

Yay! More Will wisdom.

You know, I might be a better help

seeing as I've had actual experience

with actual hard work.

Let's think of things that you could do, shall we?

You could sharpen people's pencils,

you could whistle a happy tune for everyone's enjoyment...

[Continues talking indistinctly]

Scraping the cold, hard gum off the bottom of their chairs.

That's always fun.

That's definitely something people would do, right?

[Printer humming]

[Upbeat jazz music]

[Medieval music]

Go away, Slopmaster.

Your syphilis isn't welcome here.

Well, how about my money?

I'll take 12 more.

[A Great Big World's I Really Want It]

[Laughing]

You know the rules.

No slopmasters allowed.

Big mistake.

- Huge. - How'd you get that?

Been slopping for some other tradesmen.

Now, gimme that paper clip anklet.

I'm not giving up, it's crawling under my skin

And I don't care if I sin, I really want it

I really want it, I really want it right now

I really want it right now

Ooh

I'm feeling the world go around

[Mouthing words]

It's spinning me upside down

I'm finally homeward bound

Suck it, King. It's good to be the slopmaster.

It's crawling under my skin

- And I don't care if I sin

- [Knock on door]

- Darling, can I come in? - I really want it

Uh, gimme a second, mom!

I really want it right now

I really want it right now

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm good! Right now?

What are you doing?

Just ending a meditation session!

I really want it right now

I am whole. You can come in now.

Darling, I just wanted to talk to you

about the way you conducted yourself

at Mini Society today.

Oh, boy.

I couldn't be prouder. Honestly.

Life handed you a bucket of rags

and a host of communicable diseases,

and you made the best of it.

All I saw today was a smiling, happy slopmaster

embracing his station in life with great joy and humility.

And for that, I present you with...

A cupcake from Mitchell the Baker.

It does have sugar in it.

Don't tell anyone. [Laughs]

Mom, there's something I need to say.

You don't have to say anything.

Just enjoy your lovely gift.

Yo, Marcus! Get over here!

[Banging]

What the bloody hell?

What the bloody hell

is I just bought Marcus a brand-new iPad!

- This is for me? - Uh-huh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't believe this.

I know he's been down about the whole,

you know, fecalmaster thing. There's no need to thank me.

It's just a small gesture to brighten his day.

My day isn't just bright, it's blinding!

Mom, look, we have 4G. We're in the cloud.

I've always dreamed of being in the cloud!

[Laughing]

What? No!

- Can I talk to you? - You're welcome.

Really. It's my pleasure.

I... I gotta go deal with this. I'm sorry.

Hey, you. No guitar or flying shark?

- What's wrong, out of ideas? - Bev, I need a favor.

We all need something.

Okay, will you take a look at this text from Sam?

"Can't make it to your party Saturday.

Got scheduled for a bubble shift."

Pretty sure she meant "double shift."

- [Laughs] - We done here?

Uh, no, no, no. We're not.

I need you to take a look at that little computer there

and tell me if she really does have a double shift

or if she's just making up an excuse to blow me off.

- Can you do that? - What's in it for me?

Yeah? All right, we're doing this.

- Mm-hmm. - This is fun.

Yeah, it is.

5 bucks?

Okay, um...

I've got checks. [Clears throat]

Um... Here we go.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Look. I like you.

So I'm gonna take your $5 and tell you that, yes,

Sam is scheduled for a double shift Saturday.

Par-tay!

Really? Okay, this is great.

So I'm still in the game, Bev. All right.

Now I need you to tell me when she has her next night off.

No, she's booked solid for this whole month.

Sorry, Will, girl's busy.

Well, you control her schedule, right?

Maybe you can make her... Unbusy.

[Laughs] You don't have that kinda money.

- Try me, baby girl. - That's Bev with a "B."

Party's back on, Andy, in four hours.

- Today? - [Kids yelling]

In the afternoon? That's absurd, man.

Do not question me, Andy, just get over to my place

and invite everyone we know.

Hey, Laurie, Will's having a party.

Do not invite Laurie. I repeat, do not invite Laurie!

Okay, you're on speakerphone, Will,

and I can guarantee you I am coming to your party.

Whatever. I'll just drown you out with the music.

- I'm coming! - I gotta go find some mariachi dudes.

Fiona! I have to park my mariachi band up your driveway.

Ew. Are you being filthy?

Gross. No, I have a party emergency.

Well, no, I have an emergency.

There's a child counterfeiting money

in Dickensian England!

They are literally printing money

and passing it off as pounds!

Mini Society is about to blow up!

Hold on, I'm gonna need your driveway all day,

so how about I just give you 20 bucks?

Right, 'cause that's your solution to every problem,

just throw money at it.

Okay, chill. What is your deal?

- My deal is your profligacy. - Definition?

Recklessly wasteful and pointlessly extravagant.

Is this because I bought Marcus an iPad?

- For starters. - He was having a crap week.

I was just trying to cheer him up.

Money cannot solve a crap week.

Disagree.

Money is for food and clothing

and the occasional splurge at the flea market

when you find some nice, sustainable furniture.

I was just trying to do something nice for the kid.

Listen, by all means, carry on trying to buy your happiness

with flying sharks and margarita machines.

Just don't do it around my son.

Oh, look, here's your mariachi band.

Ole!

Parked down the hill, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, she's gonna be here any minute.

This is a good party, right?

- Totally great. - Rockingest party ever, Will!

This party... Honey, stop drinking.

You gotta get off my computer, Richard.

You're killing me, man!

It's the middle of the day on Thursday.

- You're killing me. - You're getting a drink, okay?

I'm serious!

Hey, you know what, Andy?

You gotta get your kids outta here.

- Put 'em under the table! - They're not shoes, Will.

Oh, my God, she's here, she's here!

Game time! Act like this is the best party ever.

This is the best party of the year, Will!

Okay, I'm just... [Whimpers]

- Hi! - Doctor!

Wow! You're really having a party...

- Mm-hmm. - At 2:00 in the afternoon.

To be honest with you, when I first saw your note

I thought it was just an excuse to lure me here.

Really? Oh, no, way!

Here, margarita?

God, yes! I love margaritas!

Blended, no salt. My favorite!

Wow! Me too! What a surprise!

- And you got a mariachi band. - Mm-hmm.

They're playing my favorite mariachi song.

Well, you know, who doesn't love No Vale La Pena?

Most of the English-speaking world.

Well, I'm not most of the English-speaking world.

I'm just a guy who loves margaritas

and good mariachi bands.

So... Here's to common interests.

Or as they say in Oaxaca... Salud!

[Clink]

You googled me.

Oh, uh, no, I did not.

I did.

Yeah, I don't know whether to be...

Really, really flattered or totally creeped out.

[Band playing]

I'm really flattered.

This may be the sweetest thing a guy's ever done for me.

Well... Salud.

Salud.

Salud! Salud, you guys.

Come on. I'm sorry.

Salud.

- [Laughing] - No way!

No, I am telling you,

Kobe Bryant is completely overrated.

You are insane. I'm gonna get you another drink.

Oh, no, no, no. Actually, I need to sober up

- 'cause I have a shift at 5:00. - What? No, no, no.

Bev was supposed to give that shift to another doctor.

I mean, I just wish sometimes

that Bev would give more of your shifts to other doctors.

She did give it to another doctor.

- Oh, that's great. - Will, what's going on?

You know how I planned this big party for you

and you thought it was the sweetest thing in the world?

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's actually even sweeter.

I bribed Bev to get you the afternoon off.

- You did what? - Isn't that sweet?

No! No, that's not sweet. Will, I'm a doctor.

Do you have any idea how important my job is to me?

Whoa, yeah! Of course I do.

But I just, you know... I never see you.

- You're always working. - So you bought time with me.

God, I feel so cheap.

Wait, you weren't cheap at all.

I actually shelled out $500 just for four hours.

Unbelievable. I know you have money,

but I thought you were different than all these other rich guys.

But you know what, you're not. You're just like them.

You think you can control the world with your money.

What? No, I don't. I'm not even rich.

I don't care about money. I hate money.

[Printer whirring]

You are literally printing money right now.

Oh, Marcus.

- Listen, I-I have to go. - Oh, no, no, no!

Please stay. Please stay.

But I actually have to go.

I'm just... I'm gonna be right back.

And I'm gonna explain to you how totally and completely

you knocked me off my game.

I'm gonna make everything right.

But I have to go to a middle school right now

and save a slopmaster before his mom finds out what he did.

In the 25 years that we've been doing Mini Society,

we've never had a counterfeiter.

Ah.

This is a real crap show, ladies.

I've come up with a trap to catch the guilty party.

I brought in a pie for Mitchell to sell.

With the number of bills that I originally printed

and the number of goods sold so far,

there's no way any one student could afford to buy the pie

with Mini Society real fake money.

Only the counterfeiter could buy it.

What's the Dickensian public punishment?

Oh, I don't think it should be public.

I think we should demand that the violator

perform an intense soul-search.

Oh! A stoning!

No, no, no.

We don't stone people in England, we hang them.

- Wait. - [Gasps]

That makes sense.

He always seemed just a little too innocent.

Don't be ridiculous. My son would never in a m...

[Dramatic music]

Counterfeiter!

Marcus Bowa deserves to be stoned.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Get him! Yeah!

- Yeah! - Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi, I'm Will Freeman.

I am the neighbor of the accused,

and I am here to plead for mercy.

Let he among us without sin be the first to cast a stone.

- Get him! - All: Yeah!

Okay, I thought that was gonna work.

That was the Bible, people. But...

All right, I get it. Mini Society is ruined.

It's a big deal. It is a total bummer.

But if you're gonna stone somebody,

you gotta stone me.

'Cause this entire counterfeiting operation

is my fault.

I'm the one who made Marcus wanna buy a few more things,

and is that really such a big crime?

Yes. It is.

Yes.

I guess you are right.

I guess it's always been easy for me to kinda...

Use money as a band-aid.

You know, one time I actually used a $20 bill

as a band-aid.

I was really drunk, principal,

but, you know, my mind went there.

Get back on the... Get back on the...

Yeah. Um, the point is...

Money doesn't really make you happy.

It certainly hasn't made me happy,

not lately anyway.

I mean, today I learned

that money can't buy me the one thing

that I really want.

Wow, that just got real. [Sighs]

I'm really, really sorry that my "profliglacy"...

Profligacy.

That, and the damage that it's caused.

Anyway, like I said before, this is all my fault.

So if you're gonna stone somebody, please stone me.

You heard the old dude. Stone him!

Oh! Oh, ow! Okay.

That actually hurts. That actually hurts.

Oh, the humanity!

[The Elected's I'll Be Your Man]

Yeah, I want you to know

Yeah, I want you to know I think you found your man

- Yeah, I'll be your man

- _

Yeah, you found your man

Come home to him

I am so deeply ashamed.

You can flog me, put me in the stockade,

limit my screen time... Whatever you deem appropriate.

[Sighs] Marcus.

Come on.

I have a confession to make. [Clears throat]

I made you slopmaster on purpose.

- Excuse me? - I wanted to teach you

the value of hard work and money.

I think mostly I wanted you to be happy with very little,

'cause I can't really give you iPads and iPods

and "i" anything really.

But... I don't need those things.

I just need you.

[Laughs] You're such a sweet

little slopmaster, darling.

So I guess if we'd gone with what you drew

- I would've been king. - [Both chuckle]

Yep.

[Sighs]

But we cannot forget my culpability in this.

So what's my Dickensian punishment?

I'm ready.

Hey, Marcus.

- Will, you're here! - Of course I'm here.

Your mom told me where you were, and...

I think I deserve to do some gum scraping too.

Hey, I know you.

You're the guy with all the money

that wrecked Mini Society.

Uh, that is I, Will Freeman. Uh, what's up?

100 bucks to finish the job for you.

Well, I think that's your decision, buddy.

But I would encourage you to take a look

at how many disgusting chairs there are to scrape,

and the fact that I have a c-note in my pocket

as I speak.

No, thanks.

We're gonna enjoy the satisfaction

- of a job well done. - That's great, man.

That's really great, yeah.

I was just, uh, totally testing you,

and you passed... So, uh...

Oh, mm-hmm.

Okay.

[Groans]

Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0