Original subtitles

Psych? You're taking a psych class?

Excuse me. I'm taking it as an elective.

I thought your electives usually involved clay.

Girls. Broccoli or zucchini?

- For dinner? - No, she's making a hat.

- Classic. - What's that supposed to mean?

It's called "projection."

See, Mom, today at school Kerry took a header down the main stairwell,

spilling the contents of her backpack, causing her embarrassment.

Oh, no. Honey, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What could have been so embarrassing in your backpack?

Um, I think if you check her calendar you'll figure it out.

Oh.

So, after all the seniors finished a game of feminine product hacky sack,

followed by jump, jump,

Kerry gathered her belongings and walked away.

Instead of directing that anger where it belongs, she's projecting it on me.

Hence, "classic projection."

Is that right, Kerry?

Bridget took ten dollars out of your purse.

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Mom, guess what happened at the basketball game!

- You won, you won! - No, we lost. Not even close.

- But you had a great game. - No, I sucked.

The ball hit me in the back. I got welts.

Paul?

Rory means we have some big news. You're not gonna believe this.

Carter Tibbits, racecar driver was there.

He wants Dad to write a book.

- Rory. - Paul.

I wanted to tell.

Sorry. You want to come in again, start over?

No, forget it.

A book? How exciting is that?

The only thing better than watching a car drive in a circle

is reading about it!

- [chuckles] Classic. - What's classic?

Sarcastic remark to any new idea.

- Angry middle child. - Oh, no, Bridget, you're way off.

The classic middle child is invisible and Kerry's anything but... Ooh!

- [shrieks] Ow! - I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

- Hey. - Honey.

It's OK. She just needs anger management.

- Shut up! - You shut up! I'm doing you a favor.

Mary-Kate, Ashley, knock it off!

So, Paul, how'd this come about?

Carter Tibbits' nephew plays on the same team as Rory

and I struck up a conversation with him. I did a profile on him

at the Brooklyn Speedway a number of years ago. Remember?

No? It was quite a feather in my cap... Never mind. He remembered me.

Yeah. He said Dad was one of the best sports writers he'd ever met.

Ever. I've gotta go call all my friends.

- This is just great, Paul. - It's not a done deal.

And I'm out of sports. Gave it up to be with you and the kids.

- No regrets. - Except during March Madness.

Yeah. And, you know, now.

Are you insane? You have always dreamed of writing a book.

So, I should throw my hat into the ring?

- Absolutely. - Good. I did.

I wanted to run it by you 'cause we're husband and wife.

- Ah. Gee, thanks. - Hey, we're married.

Anyway, Carter, he invited the whole family to dinner

this Friday night at his mansion.

- The whole family? - Yeah. He's big on family.

He loves kids. So, we all need to make a really good impression.

- Let go of me! - I'm re-birthing you.

- It's a wedgie! - Yeah, I know.

Can you rent kids?

- Wow. - Thank you so much.

- First mansion? - How did you know?

I'm psychic.

- What room is this? - The foyer.

This is where guests wait before they enter the formal part.

- How come we don't have one? - We do.

We just call it the driveway.

Oh, my God. You're Cody Grant.

Carter's crew chief for years. You're a legend.

I was until my heart attack.

Now I just supervise dusting.

I can still change a tire in under 30 seconds. You want to see?

Are you kidding? It would be my honor, sir.

Paul, maybe we should wait till after dinner.

Well, suit yourself. I'll tell His Majesty you're here.

This place is something.

You know, I think I went to college here.

[Paul laughs]

- It's a castle. - Hey, everybody.

Twenty bucks to whoever steals the best thing.

We don't say stuff like that.

Did you see the size of the pickup parked out front?

Yeah, it's nice to see the new 2003 SUV "Compensations" are out.

- The what? - They say, "Big truck, little..."

- Stop that. - Bridget!

That's what it says in your textbook?

Um... yeah.

Hey, listen, I really want to impress this guy. All right?

So at least try to pretend that you're human beings

and you're not animals, all right? Now, behave yourselves, damn it,

- or I swear to God I will... - Paul?

Oh, Carter! Look, kids.

- It's Carter. These are the kids. - This hot dog's gonna write my book.

Maybe. Boo-yah.

I'd like you to meet Cate, my wife and daughters Bridget and Kerry.

- You know Rory. - What a good-looking family.

And what lovely young ladies.

Say "thank you" and be ladylike.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- You're hot. - Yeah.

It's easy to see where your daughters get their beauty.

Oh, thank you. Please excuse my daughters.

I don't really know what's...

[sighs] I really like cars.

Why don't we adjourn to the dining room?

OK.

Girls?

- Yeah, right. - Put your arm down.

Take them. Come here. Take the arm!

Why don't we take our coffee in the living room?

It was a wonderful dinner, Carter.

Hey, did anyone else get two forks?

No, no, Rory. The small fork is for the salad.

The big fork is for the steak. You know that.

Huh. I thought you got two in case you dropped one.

- I'm just kidding. Boo-yah. - He was kidding.

I'm all about humor, Paul. I want that to show up in the book.

Well, you're obviously a funny guy.

I saw that stuffed deer with the wacky sunglasses on my way in here.

Yeah, that was all me.

And I would also like to write about your foundation for at-risk kids.

I do love those kids.

I want to take them off the dangerous streets

and put them in high-performance racecars.

I've got them building cars instead of stealing them.

I feel the same way. Kids need a strong parental figure.

I think his eyes are almost turquoise, like mine.

- After you put them in. - You little!

- Girls, please. - May I use one of your restrooms?

Absolutely. Just down the hallway, past the bowling alley,

- second door on the right. - Bowling alley?

Wow. Thank you, sir.

"Mister", "Sir." That's quite a polite boy you got there, Paul.

- Did you girls enjoy your steaks? - I don't eat red meat.

Of course you do, honey.

- With the big fork. - That's it, Dad.

Minimize what's important to Kerry. That's why she has low self-esteem.

- I wish I had that big fork right now. - You know, Kerry,

maybe your heart wouldn't feel like songbirds being suffocated

- if you let go of that anger! - You read my poetry? That was private.

You know, Carter, Kerry was a candy striper at a hospital last summer.

- I hate you. - Had her own little book cart.

Now, where were we? We were talking about... Rory, the nice polite boy.

[ball rolling]

[pins tumbling]

[Rory] Yes!

- Oh, dear God, I'm sorry, Carter. - No, no, it's OK.

It's family. It's music to my ears.

Uh, so, where's your family tonight, Carter?

Wife number one is in Aspen with my girls,

wife number two went back to Italy with my boys,

and wife number four, my current wife,

she's vacationing with her mother on Martha's Vineyard.

- What about wife number three? - We don't ever talk about number three.

But I love wife number four.

Aren't you young to have all those wives?

It sounds to me that you had mother issues.

- Bridget! - No, no.

She might be onto something.

You know, when you grow up the eighth of nine children,

sometimes you can get lost in the shuffle.

Oh, Mama.

Why didn't you love me?

[crying]

Boo-yah!

I told you I was funny.

[chuckling]

- Put that in the book. - OK.

No, really, the truth is, when I was younger I ran with a lot of women.

Most of them, I never even learned their names.

But that changed with wife number four. She totally turned my life around.

Paul, I'm gonna call you next week with my final answer,

but I got a good feeling about this.

I got a good, good feeling about this.

Boo-yah!

Boo-yah's my word, Paul.

Sorry.

It's his word.

"Boo-yah?" Idiot, idiot!

Oh, Paul, Paul.

Well, yeah.

Aside from that, you made a really good impression.

I did, didn't I? He said he had a good feeling about this.

"A good, good feeling."

Dad, check it out.

The picture of Carter Tibbits and Paul Newman?

That's right. Twenty bucks to whoever steals the best thing, remember?

- Pay up. - What?

You stole this from his house?

- It was your idea. - No, it was...

It was a joke, Rory.

- You know, you just cost me the book. - I think "boo-yah" sealed that deal.

You know... Hey, hey!

Now, look, Paul, Paul, you are the adult here.

Why don't you call Carter and explain?

That's a great idea, Cate.

"Carter, here's the picture my son stole from your house.

When do we start the book?"

I know Carter's probably busy now,

I thought I'd drop off some writing samples.

- OK, I'll tell him. - And I'll see myself to the door.

Yeah, like I give a damn.

[shower running]

[Carter] # Comin' round the mountain when she comes

# Comin' round the mountain when she comes

# She'll be comin' round the mountain

# She's comin' round the mountain

# She is coming round that mountain when she comes

# She is ridin' six white ponies when she comes

# She is ridin' them six white ponies when she comes

# Gonna ride them six white ponies Ride them six white ponies

# Ride them six white ponies when she comes #

[howling on TV]

You're never gonna believe this. I just took a quiz on self-esteem.

And I'm off the charts!

- Mom, I want my own house. - [door opens]

Hello, everybody.

Carter Tibbits called. He's on his way over.

Oh, my God, that was fast. Wait.

He's coming here to the house?

Oh, this could be it, Cate. How did he sound?

Like he was masking a childhood of pain.

For the love of... Come on, tidy up. Get this place together.

Cate, why don't you run a brush through that?

- Paul! - You don't have to.

I mean, it looks fine.

But would it kill you to just top that part?

I'm sorry. I'm a little... I'm a little nervous.

Why? He said he was coming over. That's a good thing.

- [doorbell] - Yeah.

He's here. He's here. OK. Everybody, just act normal like me.

Well, I don't know if I can sweat at will.

- You're not Carter. - No, Carter's the white guy.

Mr. Tibbits will be passing on your services.

Oh, Paul, I'm so sorry.

So, Dad, you're not getting the book?

Does it sound like he's getting the book?

Did Carter say why?

You might want to take a look at this.

We have evidence of a crime at the Tibbits estate.

A crime!

- I have homework. - It can wait.

Hennessy, do you think a man who has a four million dollar estate

- doesn't have a security camera? - A security camera!

# She's coming round the mountain

# She is coming round that mountain when she comes

# She is riding six white ponies when she comes

# She is riding them six white ponies when she comes

# She is ridin'...

That's it? That's all that's on the tape?

- Yep. - Oh, Dad.

- You're supposed to be an example. - Rory! Come here.

Sir, Hennessy's back. I warned him you're fully clothed.

Paul, I thought my crew chief made everything clear.

I can't trust a man who sneaks in my bedroom when I'm showering

and plays with my stuff.

I'm afraid you're dead to me now, Paul.

Just like a certain ex-wife whose number I will not mention.

- How you doing, son? - I want to set everything straight.

Then you'll never hear from me again. I know the book deal is dead.

Is it? I mean, no, no, right. That's neither here nor there.

I just want you to know that I wasn't playing with your stuff.

My son took something. I was putting it back.

Well, isn't that something?

Blaming it on your own son.

- Pitiful. - No, no, wait a second.

- If you rewound the tape... - You're not half the man

that wife number three turned out to...

I think you know where the door is.

Mr. Tibbits,

I stole that picture of you and movie legend Paul Newman.

My dad was just putting it back. I took it for a joke.

There's nothing funny about stealing, son.

I know. It's just... my dad's so funny and I was trying to be funny.

- Why did you take it so far? - I wanted to impress you.

Whoa. Whoa. Stealing to impress your father?

Rory, I run a program for at-risk youths such as yourself.

He's not at-risk!

If I had a dime for every parent who ever said that!

Rory, what are you talking about?

I was just trying to make you laugh.

Mr. Tibbits, I made a mistake.

- I'm sorry. - I'm proud of you, son.

I'm always proud of you.

That took a good size set of plums to come forward like that, Rory.

- I'm sorry, Dad. - No, I'm sorry.

I'm the one that's at fault here. I shouldn't have made that stupid joke.

You know, Rory, you've got something I look for in all the kids I work with.

Character. Character and a bad father.

Boo-yah.

- That should be rewarded. - I kind of agree.

- Rory. - No, no, he's right.

You did a brave thing.

Now what can I do for you?

Well, can I ask for anything?

Doesn't hurt to ask.

- It involves my dad. - I'm listening.

If you could... I mean, if you'd consider...

Go ahead, son, speak from the heart.

Go on, Rory.

You ask for that one thing and if it's within my power,

I'll surely give it to you.

Can I have the tape of my dad sneaking around your bedroom? It's really funny!

You got it. It's right over here. Come on.

Pitiful.

[Carter] # She is coming round that mountain

- You watching that tape again? - Oh, quiet, Paul.

It's time for the bathrobe scene.

Look, Dad, when you lift the trophy you can see your underpants.

Hah. The way you chew. Sublimating hidden aggression.

- Mom! - Kerry!

Stop psychoanalyzing me! Two can play at this game, you know.

- Ah-ha! Narcissism. - All right, Kerry, that is enough.

Now, apologize to your sister, then clean up this mess,

and both of you can come in the kitchen and help me with the dishes.

[chuckles] Classic.

- What? - Housewife directing anger at children

when what she's really angry about is her lost youth.

Uh-huh.

Go for it.

"Narcissism, a.k.a. vanity personality disorder.

People with this disorder are self-centered...

[scoffs] That's not me.

...self-obsessed... - So not me.

...easily injured and personalizes everything."

Stop it, stop it. Why are you being so mean to me?

Don't mess with the middle child.

I know it's hard.

But in order to accept it you need to say it out loud.

That's the first step to recovery.

Now, repeat after me, "It's not my fault."

- Say it. - I can't.

Come on, say it. "It's not my fault."

It's not my fault.

Wife number three was not my fault.

Wait a minute.

I know whose fault it was.

Mama.

Why didn't you love me?

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