Original subtitles

I'm numb. Except for this big pain in my heart.

I can't believe this, I... I just can't believe it.

Were we wrong to trust her?

Should we have talked to her more, you know?

Kept a better watch on her?

Not allowed her to even date Wilson? I mean, what?

What could we have done that could make this not happen?

Can we look at blaming ourselves later?

Right now, I'm too upset with Mary and Wilson to get upset with you and me.

I...

What are we gonna do?

Well, the first thing we have to do is to tell Mary.

Tell her we know she's pregnant?

No, tell her that she herself is pregnant.

What?

Eric, she can't have known or even suspected the possibility

or she would have never volunteered for the physical for basketball camp.

The life she had just five minutes ago,

it's over.

- I can't believe Simon pulled it off. - Yeah.

- You slapped me, you know. - And you can bite me.

You've been butting into my life

telling me what to do, what not to do,

and acting like some kind of freak parent

for as long as I can remember, you know.

Why is that?

Because I'm your older brother, I care about you.

Yeah, well, care less.

Ruthie.

- That was for the summer job. - Oh, okay.

Well, as long as you have a good reason.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll miss you too.

I can't believe they didn't give Happy a trophy or a medal

or a laminated commemorative plaque or something,

anything from those Pow Chow people.

I mean, how many dogs can do this?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Happy...

...would you rather have your Pow Chow

taken away from you or be a--

Hi.

I packed my special occasion tie. What time's graduation?

--dead dog?

[HAPPY WHIMPERS]

Now, I know we're early, and we're sorry,

but we had planned to spend a few days

with an old buddy of mine, Tom Phelps.

You know, help him out of a divorce situation.

But Tom chose to ignore the schedule

and our plans went to hell in a handbasket,

and here we are early.

Tom and his wife got back together.

JOHN: You know, I've known Tom since basic training,

and frankly, he's always been inconsiderate, hasn't he?

George sends his love.

He's sick so he had to stay home with Aunt Julie,

probably giving her the flu even as we speak.

Do you think we're carriers?

Oh, no, no, colonel, no, it's...

It's just that--

Well, Matt just told us

that he's gonna miss his high school graduation

because he got a job.

It's a job in a Washington D.C. summer work programme

that we knew nothing about.

Until today.

So as glad as we are to see you,

you may have made this trip for nothing.

So in sum, the boy has a chance to work in Washington D.C.,

the medulla oblongata of the American body politic,

and you're upset because he doesn't wanna walk across the stage

in a muumuu and a cardboard hat?

It took Matt 12 years to earn that cardboard hat

and he didn't do it alone.

This whole family earned the right to celebrate Matt's graduation

and somehow, it just won't be the same without him at it.

You know, son, graduation ceremony is also called commencement.

So let the boy start his life and commence already.

I couldn't have said it better. Thank you.

Hey, Matt. My goodness, how are you?

You came just in the nick of time.

In need of reinforcements, are you?

- Probably. - Definitely.

You know, there's no need to try to settle all of this

within the first 15 minutes of your arrival, so...

Matt, I believe those bags have your name on them.

And...

You'll have Matt's new room and Matt will have his old room

and then, well, Simon will bunk with Ruthie.

Terrific. Here you go, dear.

Hey, thanks for taking my side down there.

It's about what's right, Matt, not sides.

I know. I bet you never thought we'd be on the same one.

I never say never.

You make all kinds of friends in foxholes.

Of course, none of them ever had bangs you could part--

I cut my hair, it grew back. Hair does that.

Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Hair can be such pesky business.

Refresh my memory now,

it's one haircut per person per lifetime here in Glen Oak?

RUTH: Oh, enough.

If you look at him from the back, you wouldn't think he's a man.

You'd just think, what pretty hair.

[JOHN CLEARS THROAT]

I gotta tell you, I'm not real excited about talking to Mary

with my parents in the house.

I'm not excited about talking to Mary with a living soul in the house,

but your parents are staying, I'm not waiting.

Okay.

- After you. - Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that.

Excuse us, but we don't need to be channel surfing

if there's M.I.T. work to be done.

- We're here, we're near. - Get used to us.

Well, there's no burning M.I.T. work to be done at the moment.

Yeah.

By the way, we're not the kind of religious guys

who get to listen to people's confessions, are we?

No.

Oh. Bummer. That could've been good.

Gentlemen, M.I.T.s,

being a minister in not a spectator sport.

You have to give of yourself, not look to be entertained by plights of others.

You have to listen even when you don't feel like it. That's what a minister does.

Yeah, what a minister does is give sound and objective counsel

and looks out for people, tries to give them hope

and help them find it in themselves.

A minister takes care of people in times of need.

What she said.

Sorry, what did you say after that hope stuff?

I was listening, you were going kind of fast.

- Help people in times of need. - Oh, that's a big one.

You know, if we write big and double-space this, it'll take up a page.

Yeah.

I don't wanna do this.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, where are you guys going?

Are we interrupting?

No, Lucy and I were maybe going to go grab something to eat

with a couple of friends.

Please? We'll be home early.

RUTH: Friends of the gentleman persuasion?

Well...

Oh, date night.

We did just get here in the nick of time.

Divine intervention?

Colonel, Grandma Ruth, this is Wilson West,

Billy West and Kenny Milner.

WILSON: It's a pleasure. RUTH: Hello.

JOHN: I understand plans are afoot for an evening out.

Status?

I couldn't get a baby-sitter, so we'll probably have our evening out in.

Here. In this house here.

Oh, poop.

ROD: Hey, don't despair.

- We can help. - Absolutely.

Looks like you guys need a baby-sitter, here we are,

two trustworthy M.I.T.s for the price of one.

Look, I appreciate the offer, but, um...

But what? We're gonna be here all night.

And if we need help, Mrs. Camden can always

be our child-care Coach Lombardi.

Who are these guys again?

My ex-boyfriends.

They're not here for me, they're here for my dad.

So, what do you say, Wilson?

- Are you sure? - S?, it'll be fun.

Okay. We won't be gone long.

[BILLY BABBLES]

Hey, pequito muchacho. Ha, ha.

His stuff is in the living room.

Stuff, living room, check.

Come on, come on.

You know, that Moon boy's growing on me.

Good, because the other boy has something growing on him.

It's a moustache. Don't be seduced by it.

So a quick burger is okay?

Very quick.

[ROD, JIMMY AND BILLY CHATTERING]

Update me.

Why are Lucy's ex-boyfriends babysitting Wilson's brother?

Well, Billy is Wilson's son.

ERIC: And Rod and Jimmy practically live here.

I'm not sure why. I don't think they have a key.

Well, things couldn't get much worse.

Yeah.

You'd like to think that'd be true, wouldn't you?

Later, honey. I don't have time to plaster.

Come on. Come on.

You know, I know she's your sister and everything, I mean he's my friend,

but, man, get the hose already.

LUCY: No kidding. - So tell me about you.

- Huh? - I wanna know everything about you.

Or at least the stuff you want me to know.

- Really? - Yeah. Really.

Hey, Dad, do you have a minute?

Oh, absolutely, sure.

Look, Annie and I are-- We're thrilled that you and Mom are here, really.

But the situation we've got going with Matt at the moment

is a little touchy, so--

- So get the hell out of Dodge? - No, Dodge, no.

But future discussions regarding Matt's summer work possibility

and graduation, yes.

See, Matt's his class valedictorian and he's supposed to make a speech

and, you know, this whole graduation thing is very important to everyone.

I had no idea he and all that hair had done so well.

- Neither did we. - Well, you're absolutely right.

I'll have to make another phone call.

What do you mean, another phone call?

Yeah, what do you mean another phone call?

You forgot one.

You got me into the summer work programme?

JOHN: Of course not, no.

Once, on the telephone, your mother casually mentioned you had applied,

but thought it was a long shot.

I made a casual call and lowered the odds a little.

- So I didn't get the job on my own? - The heck you didn't.

It was your application, your essay, your qualifications that got you hired.

I don't want the job. I can't take it if I didn't get it.

Darn it, Matt, there are 10,000 ways to get in the door.

It's what you do when you're in there that counts.

Maybe. But I wanted to get it on my own.

Looks like I'll see you at graduation.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING]

- Who is it? MAN: Uh, it's Jack Martin.

I wanted to talk to you about your dog.

I saw her win the Pow Chow contest on the news.

Hello. Hi, I'm sorry. Annie Camden.

No, I'm sorry to just drop in like this. I'm Jack Martin.

Uh, you heard about our dog on the news?

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure, positive in fact, that Happy is not Happy.

Excuse me?

I'm Eric Camden, I came in late, sounds like I've missed something.

Jack Martin.

No, it's just that our dog, Whitey, got out of our yard some time ago

and I think that your Happy is our Whitey.

- What? - No way.

Oh, I'm afraid so.

We got her from a friend when she was just a pup

and my daughter loved her.

As do my daughters.

And my sons. So...?

- So I'd like to take her home. - She is home.

JACK: I know this is hard.

It was hard for us when she ran away, but--

- But you still let her run away. - I'm really sorry.

But we're Whitey's family and she belongs with us.

- We're gonna get back to you. - Get back to me about what?

Whitey's our dog.

At the moment, she's not,

so we're just gonna need a little time to talk about this.

And if Happy's your dog, then she's been gone for two years

and I think your family can wait another 48 hours or so

for us to get back to you.

We'll see.

- Yeah. GINGER: Whoa, ha, ha!

So, what time's the graduation?

Hi, Dad.

[BOTH MURMURING]

Sooner or later, Mary and Wilson will show up,

and when they do, I'll be here.

With me.

I'm sorry, I just-- I had to get out of there.

I mean, it's so surreal.

I feel like my world, our world, has stopped

and the rest of the world is speeding along at an ever-increasing rate.

Uh, Lucy, why don't you and Kenny go on in?

Grandpa and Ginger are here and Mary and Wilson will be right there.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, what's going on? Is everything okay?

No, everything's not okay. Dr. Peterson called today.

Are you all right, Mom?

Wait, is it me? Is there something wrong with me?

Not exactly.

You--

You're... Ha, I can't.

There's no easy way to say this, Mary. It seems that you're pregnant.

I don't think so.

Why, because your birth control is infallible?

Yeah, it's called not having sex. It works 100 percent of the time.

You didn't...?

Never. Not together, no.

Never. Not with anyone, no.

So I don't know where you're getting your information from,

but wacky Dr. Peterson made a mistake, a big mistake.

And, hey, if I'm lying, we'll all know in a couple of months, won't we?

You actually think I'd betray your trust in me?

After all the talks that we had?

After you were so understanding about Wilson having a kid?

You guys need to go to parent camp or on vacation or something,

because you're really losing it.

Come on, Wilson.

Never.

What if that guy takes Happy away from us?

That would be--

[HAPPY BARKS]

Heck. That would be heck.

Bad heck.

It's a phase. It'll pass.

But I think bad words make me sound bad.

Bad words make you sound stupid.

What if Mr. Martin is wrong?

- About what? - Happy.

He's not. I could feel it in my gut.

Happy even looks like a Whitey.

But what if she didn't?

Yeah. What if she didn't?

We just have to wait for everybody to go to bed.

The colonel hasn't made Kenny crack yet.

ROD: Hey, um, how was your evening?

- Uh, noches. - Noches.

Yeah, ha, ha.

Well, Kenny is just as great as Wilson said he was.

But I know it can't be right. I don't get great.

So something's gotta be wrong with him.

I mean, come on, I'm not the type of person that gets great.

- Hey. ROD: Yeah.

But you should, you deserve it.

Why are you here?

What? We tried to help, we listened.

ROD: Yeah, with sound counsel.

Hey, thanks for watching Billy. I heard you guys did a great job.

Ah, s?. And de nada.

You know, if you start the bilingual thing now at Billy's age,

chances are, it'll stick.

- Gracias for the advice. - Yeah.

Wilson...

Hey, why don't I give you guys a ride home?

Who said we were leaving?

The "who didn't" list is shorter.

RUTHIE: I'm a genius.

You would be if she were black.

So goodbye, Whitey. Hello, Barney.

We're dead.

Oh, poop.

This is a really unattractive phase for you.

Don't worry, I'm leaving happily.

Good.

You don't wanna talk to me?

Don't want me looking over your shoulder, fine.

When I leave and you're the oldest, you can do things your way, good luck.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- I think I can handle it. - Really?

Did you take your face out of Wilson's mouth long enough last night

to notice things weren't quite right with Lucy, Simon or Ruthie?

Okay, whatever.

Maybe Mom and Dad expect more from me because I'm a guy.

- What? - I'm a victim of the old double standard.

I don't know, but it doesn't matter, because it's all yours now.

Have fun.

I think that you'll find that everything's in order.

I can't believe you're doing this.

What's going on here?

I'm sorry, son, but Whitey's family misses her.

Maybe Happy looked a little like Whitey last night,

but in the daytime, she's not her.

It was probably just the light or something.

But don't worry, anyone can make a mistake. All is forgiven.

Goodbye.

Food colouring?

I'd have tried it too.

Look, Happy, Whitey or whoever she is, ran away two years ago.

I know, but that doesn't make her any less ours.

Law's not always as simple as finders keepers, losers--

Apparently not. But sometimes, it should be.

- We should get going. - Yeah.

Come here, Whitey. Come here, girl.

[HAPPY GRUNTS]

- Sorry about this. - You should be.

Mr. Martin can bite me.

Where are you getting this stuff?

Around, I have ears, you know.

Well, if anyone hears you talk like that,

this cleanser's gonna end up in your mouth.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

- Happy's gone. - I know.

But Dad called some people from church who are lawyers.

They'll figure something out, so just hang in there.

For how long? We don't know if Happy's okay.

If they're such good dog owners,

why'd they let her run away in the first place?

What if they're mean to her?

No, I had fun last night too,

but I really don't think it's gonna work out.

- Why? - I don't know.

It's just a feeling.

Could I call you in a couple of days to see if you've changed your mind?

- I'll call you. - I hope so.

- Bye. - Bye, Lucy.

Okay, what does this one mean?

"Neither cast ye your pearls before swine."

Don't share jewellery or important things with the other white meat.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Well, something is obviously wrong, qu??

You didn't just do something stupid with Kenny, did you?

No, I did a smart thing.

The only thing. I stopped it before it started.

It never would have worked out anyway.

- Por qu?? - Yeah, por qu? not?

Just because you can't see how charming and caring you are,

doesn't mean someone else can't.

Yeah, that Kenny chico is pretty cool.

Just call him up,

tell him it was a fleeting woman thing and take it from there.

Yeah, guys love that.

I can't.

- Hey, is that Wilson? - Yeah.

You know that Happy's original owner and his lawyer came and took her?

Simon and Ruthie have been upstairs crying for most of the day.

But then, you've been too busy with phone calls and Wilson and stuff.

One second.

Oh, yeah, and Lucy just broke up with Wilson's friend Kenny

for a list of pathetic reasons and she seems pretty down.

So I hope you were right when you said you could handle it.

I gotta go. Bye.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Is that for me? ROD: No, it's for Matt.

Uh, Matt, hey.

Hello? Yes, this is Matt Camden.

Okay. Thank you.

That was Mrs. Clinton calling to welcome me to her staff.

First lady Mrs. Clinton.

She congratulated me on becoming valedictorian.

Told me to make my speech, then come out.

Hillary Rodham Clinton?

That's your placement?

[YELLS]

ERIC: Wow!

LUCY: Congratulations, that's incredible.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Well, isn't that lucky.

You made another call.

[JOHN MUTTERS]

Unbelievable.

Luce, I heard about Kenny. I'm sorry.

- Thanks. - Is there anything I can do to help?

No.

And I don't really feel like talking about it.

MARY: Hey, you guys, who's up for some ice cream?

What do you say we go hang out at the park?

[YAWNS]

That's okay.

JIMMY: I feel bad for Simon and Ruthie.

MARY: Yeah, me too.

The whole thing seems pretty hopeless.

RUTH: Hey.

Excuse me, colonel, Mrs. Camden, might we have a word with you?

Any ex-boyfriends of our granddaughter's are--

Speak.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Brilliant. But we'll need the cover of darkness

and a diversion.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

It's quiet in here, it's like spooky quiet. Where is everybody?

I think your mom and dad were taking the kids for ice cream and...

I don't know, but I...

I suddenly have this feeling that something bad is about to happen.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Congratulate us. We're engaged.

Well, in light of Matt's new job, I'd say congratulations are due all around.

Well, don't congratulate me yet.

I have to get my speech down, deliver it in front of a huge group of people.

I don't understand how you do it every week.

One of the toughest things about being a minister.

It is. You'll live.

Well, I better get back at it.

MATT: Oh, hey, colonel. - Oh, Matt.

Colonel.

Well, well, good evening. Charles and Ginger.

How lovely to see you. Wonderful.

- Yes. - Oh, yes.

Is that a new dress?

What? Oh. Oh, yes, I just got it today.

I'll take you to the shop tomorrow, if you like.

Thank you. I'd love that.

- What happened to you? - Son, we're talking.

Oh, you mean this? This is nothing.

Your mother and I went for a little brisk P.T. on ticklish terrain.

Lost my footing on the loose loam.

Clumsy of me, but end of story. Ha, ha.

Oh, well, the fact is that your mother pushed me.

Push, shove, why split hairs? Ha, ha.

So, well, what's been going on here?

Uh, Ginger and I have some news. We're engaged.

We'll see. Uh, where are the kids?

Yeah, and my M.I.T.s?

Oh, uh, they're coming.

Engaged, you say. Wonderful, how wonderful.

When and from where are the kids coming?

Oh, they'll be here any minute, from the driveway.

I say, isn't that just five-star news. Congratulations.

Oh, yes, indeed. Congratulations.

Ruthie, Ruthie, Simon, Lucy, Mary

and I'm willing to bet that these two belong to Eric's missing M.I.T.s.

Uh, Colonel John Camden, U.S. Marine Corps.

Serial number 54862314.

Oh, yeah. That'll help you now.

I think the colonel's being too hard on himself.

So he and Ruth didn't manage to rescue Happy last night.

They came home with as many kids as they left with.

Well, he's a Marine colonel for a reason.

You know, we didn't do so badly either.

Our engagement announcement was an inspired choice of diversions.

Ah, go on.

- But I liked it, though. - So did I.

- So will you? - Will I what?

Marry me.

[SCOFFS]

For real?

[GINGER LAUGHS]

Come on, we've gotta go tell the kids.

Wait. We already did.

So we have to do... Nothing.

I can do that.

[HAPPY BARKING]

GINGER: How did she get here?

[GINGER LAUGHS]

So when are Ginger and Grandpa getting married?

Mm, I don't think they'll rush into anything.

I do.

Well, we'll see.

GINGER: Look who found her way home.

How did--?

She must have made a break and escaped.

She's back, she's ours. Happy, yes.

Good girl, that's a good girl.

You know who your real family is, don't you? Yes, you do.

I wish it were that simple.

[HAPPY WHIMPERS]

[KNOCKING]

- Hey. - Hey.

I wanted to apologise for my attitude lately.

It's a lot tougher being the oldest than I thought,

and frankly, I'm not all that good at it.

You'll learn.

You were right about the double standard though.

I mean, Mom and Dad expected a lot from you because you're a guy,

but because I'm a girl, they hawk me about my love life all the time.

They ask personal and embarrassing questions

flat out whenever they feel like it.

And so do you.

But I've never butted into your life like you have with mine.

You're right.

My love life has always been my business

and I would've resented that kind of intrusion by anyone.

I never thought of it that way.

You'll bring an interesting perspective to the position of oldest.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

And it'll be good for everyone.

So she did end up here.

We didn't take her.

I know. She dug a hole under the fence and ran over here.

Look, I don't want this situation to get ugly, but I can't let you take her.

I know. I was gonna bring her over myself this morning.

The poor thing cried most of the day yesterday.

This is where she wants to be and this is where she should be.

So you're leaving?

With-- Without Happy?

Yeah.

Well, let us show you out.

[ALL LAUGHING]

RUTHIE: Give our love to the family.

[HAPPY BARKS]

By the way, the engagement thing last night was a diversion.

Oh, and a fine one it was.

But we decided that we liked the way it felt so much, so now we are.

For real?

Oh, but...

ERIC: Congratulations.

GINGER: It's all your fault.

Look at you.

CHARLES: It's starting now, isn't it?

It's all your fault.

Later, honey. Honey, I don't know how to plaster.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

- Hey, Wilson. WILSON: Hey, how you doing?

- Hey, Billy. - Hola, Kenny.

Darn it.

You and your mouth are treading a mighty fine line, sister.

Don't worry, this phase is practically out of my system.

I can feel it.

[CHOIR SINGING]

I hope you don't mind I'm here.

But Rod and Jimmy called, and said I had to come.

I hope it's okay.

It's really okay, and I'm sorry about yesterday.

It was just a fleeting woman thing.

- Can we just forget it? - Yeah.

There's something I've been meaning to tell you

and I guess now is as good a time as any.

You're pregnant.

No.

I'm going away to school.

Billy and I are moving in with my cousin.

You ready?

You know, I walk down these steps every Sunday

and I think to myself, I wonder if anyone heard me.

I wonder if anyone was awake.

I wonder if I said anything worth staying awake for.

I mean, I always hope so, but I don't always know.

And this week, I've been the subject of a careful career study.

And I have to tell you, after the last few days,

I still don't have the answers to any of those questions.

[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]

But I have a feeling

that maybe after this morning's very special sermon,

we'll all have a better idea.

Jimmy.

I have but one single question I want you to think about today.

Before you were born, your eternal soul was up in heaven

and the good Lord was standing on the bank of the river of life

contemplating the current,

with or against which,

your immortal soul would dog paddle the rest of your mortal life.

The Lord turned to you and said, "Take the destiny on the left."

My question to you is, did he mean your left or his?

So here's the lesson,

not the only lesson certainly, but one we'd be wise to remember.

Ambidexterity.

Because the Lord wants us to be good with both hands.

[MOUTHING] Go.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[CHOIR SINGING "WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS"]

Most of you probably know that my dad is a minister

and my mom, among many other things,

is the kind of woman who'd marry a minister.

And yes, there are times, many of them in fact,

when having parents who are beacons in the community

is as much of a drag as you would think.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

But there are other times, more than I like to admit actually,

when they illuminate the dark places, the doubt, the uncertainty--

I have something to tell you.

We're going to have a baby.

- What? - A baby, we're having one.

MATT: And by doing so, they have helped me--

You can't get any closer and we're still having a baby.

Uh-huh. You and me together.

Wacky Dr. Peterson got the tests mixed up.

["POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING]

JIMMY: We just wanted to thank you for everything.

Yeah, we had a really good time working with you and we learned a lot.

- You're kidding. - No, you really care about people.

All the time.

- I couldn't. ROD: Me neither.

You couldn't pay me enough to care as much as you do.

I couldn't even pretend.

Well, it's the job.

- Maybe. - But we think it's the man.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late.

Everybody.

Annie and I have an announcement to make.

We're gonna have a baby.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh--!

[BARKS]

I've got nothing, the phase is over. I'm clean.

You didn't do this to get me to stay home and go to school?

- Oh... - Well, I'm still taking the job.

But I'll be back.

There's no way to get me out of here now. Things are just getting good.

Congratulations.

Yay! Yay!

[RUTHIE LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

ANNIE: Weird, isn't it?

Hi, baby.

- Come on, my turn, my turn, my turn. - Dad.

Here we go again.

[MOUTHING] I love you.

[MOUTHING] I love you too.

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