Original subtitles

Hello, golfing fiends, and welcome to the Crypt.

Oh, don't mind him. That's just my caddie, Juan.

He got me teed off while I was playing a round...

so I shot a hole in Juan.

Which brings to mind the young woman in tonight's tale.

She's also playing around, except that her game isn't golf.

It's love.

I call this disgusting drama "Spoiled. "

Hold his calls.

And so, if all parties agree...

only decisive action on your part...

will effectuate a successful merger...

of our two companies.

I...

Well, what are you doing?

I am trying to effectuate a successful merger...

with my husband.

Fuchsia, I don't have time for this.

I've been trying to make this deal work for the last six weeks.

And totally ignoring me.

You care more about this agency than you do your own wife.

Well, one thing's for certain, Evian.

It's time for decisive action.

Quebec.

Come into my office, will you?

Now.

I've been keeping an eye on you, Quebec.

On my work? Really?

No. On you. Have a seat.

- This isn't about business, is it? - No.

It's about you. You're like me, Quebec. I can tell.

You've got an empty void in your lonely life.

- I do? - Yes, you do.

You and I...

we are like two lost travelers...

in a loveless, dark, frozen world.

What do you want, Mrs. Monroe?

- I want you. - But your husband...

Forget him.

In my life, I see something I want, I take it. Do you understand?

Rules aren't for me.

You are for me.

Yes!

Oh, God, Louise.

Fuchsia is awesome.

- She has her moments. - Moments?

Her moments? That's the way you should live life, Louise.

You go for it. You don't waste it like we do, sorting laundry.

But, Janet, you have to sort laundry.

You can't mix your delicates with your permanent press...

and if you're using heavy detergent...

you have to mix your colors and your whites-

Are you nuts? I'm talking, when you see something you want...

you take it.

You lose your head in romance.

Oh, come on, Janet, you've got the American dream.

You're married to a doctor.

Yeah, but he's married to his work.

His stupid research, his fancy-pants operations.

Well, I want Fuchsia's life.

Hot passion...

steamy romance...

- Danger? - Yes. That, too.

Oh, well.

All done.

Darling.

- Was the operation a success? - Yes...

but the patient died. Damn.

If only my new anesthetic were ready...

we could have done the impossible last night, Janet.

We could have frozen the brain and performed the most difficult transplant.

- Damn. - Damn.

I've got work in the lab.

- Hello, Louise. - Hello, Doctor.

Hospital call in the middle of the night again?

Again.

Well, have a nice day.

Darling.

What a fool I've been, exploring medical science...

when I could be exploring you.

Well, Christopher Columbus, welcome to the New World.

Earth to Janet.

Are you okay, hon?

Huh?

These must be Leon's. They're definitely not Jim Palmer's.

Thanks.

This is extraordinary.

If my calculations are correct...

my new anesthetic will work far beyond anyone's imagination.

Three and...

four.

Yes.

What are you doing?

I told you not to come in here when the red light is on.

I am trying to effectuate a successful merger with my husband.

Well, I'm trying to make medical history. Which is more important?

Janet, let me pour this in here right now.

Don't you see?

Organ transplants of undreamed complexity...

could actually become reality.

You could actually operate for weeks at a time...

because the brain would still be alive.

- You would love that, wouldn't you? - Absolutely.

Here, hold this. Janet. Janet!

My new anesthetic.

Now, to Mr. Cottontail's house.

We have a very special lunch prepared.

Well, look who's here.

Now, come on, Mr. Cottontail.

We want you to eat and sleep for medical science.

You're gonna be a very famous bunny.

- Who cares? - But your husband?

Who cares?

No, don't worry about him.

He never comes home in the middle of the day.

- We should stop. - No.

Can you stop an avalanche once it starts...

to thunder wildly down the mountain?

Can you stop a waterfall...

from crashing...

steamily over...

- a cliff? - No.

Yes, you can.

- Evian. - Like this.

No, baby. You can't. Don't shoot!

Just watch me.

What? Oh, God. Come back. Don't shoot.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

No. Oh, no. Stop.

Oh, God. Oh. Shit. Shit.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

And that concludes another episode ofThere's Always Tomorrow.

No! Shit, shit, shit!

Louise. Louise, the door's open.

- Tell me the plan. - Did you see it?

- It was unbelievable. - He didn't shoot Fuchsia...

did he? Tell me what happened.

- He shot... - Who?

-... Quebec. - No!

- Below the belt. - No!

- Weren't you watching? - Of course, I was watching upstairs...

on the television until the damn picture went out.

Janet, when are you going to join the rest of us...

in the 20th century and get cable?

The picture is so much better.

Plus, you get HBO and everything.

It would really improve the quality of your life.

Yes.

Yes!

No. Leon thinks cable is frivolous.

What?

CNN, frivolous? C-Span, frivolous?

The Weather Channel, frivolous? I think not.

And furthermore, would Fuchsia hesitate...

because Evian thought something was frivolous?

No.

Or would she take...

- decisive action? - Decisive action?

Yes.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Abel, with the cable.

I'm sure you are.

I mean, hi. Come in. I'm glad you're here.

- Tomorrow starts in an hour. - What?

My story, There's Always Tomorrow. It's a soap opera.

So where do you want it?

Huh?

- Your box. - Excuse me?

Your cable box. Where do you want it?

Well, I need it more than once.

I mean, I need it in different rooms.

I mean, can you do it in the bedroom, too?

No problem.

Great.

Great.

- Will it take long? - No.

I'll run a line in from the street...

do the first installation, and bing, bang, boom.

The second one usually takes longer...

but it's more fun, if you know what I mean.

Right this way.

Now, male...

into female.

- Input. - Output.

Finished.

You're all hooked up.

Got quite a tool there.

It's huge.

It's not the size of the tool, ma'am.

It's how you use it.

You certainly know how to use it.

How many installations have you done in one day?

Fifteen.

My Phillips did so much screwing, I thought the tip would fall off.

Oh, God.

- Damn. - Duty calls.

- Oh, well. - If you have any problems...

you can get immediate service by beeping me directly...

- day or night. - Thanks.

And remember, it's Abel.

As in "ready, willing, and... "

You bet.

Fuchsia, what are you doing here?

I shot your lover.

Quebec meant nothing to me. I was just trying to stir you up.

Evian, remember this?

I wore it on our wedding night.

How could I forget?

My husband, take me.

Oh, Evian.

Day four, Mr. Cottontail.

Vital signs stable, brain waves normal...

heart functioning.

What did I tell you about coming in here when the light is on?

Only emergencies.

Oh, this is an emergency.

Remember this, Leon? I wore it on our wedding night.

You did?

Well, not all the time. You did remove it.

Take a night off, Leon.

I have something so special planned.

I can't. I'm so close. Watch TV.

- Read a book or something. - I don't want to watch TV.

- I want to be with you. - You can't.

- I'm at a critical stage. - So am I.

Janet, look at this.

Ew!

- Is he dead? - No.

He's in a condition of thermodynamic stasis.

It's never been done before. He's been this way for days.

I think I can hold him another week.

You care more about holding Bugs Bunny here than you do about holding me.

Come on, Leon. Come on, I'll make you so happy.

You'll be so glad.

Janet, I can't. I can't do this.

Now look what you've done. You did that on purpose, didn't you?

Now I have to go to the hospital to get more plasma.

Oh, Leon, please. Can't it wait?

No, I can't lose him. I need it tonight.

You need it? Well, what about me, huh?

What about what I need?

What about me?

Door's open.

Hi.

I'm having problems with my reception, Abel.

I've tried the knobs, but I'm not getting anything.

Well, I'm pretty good at playing with knobs.

Maybe you just got a bad connection.

Well, then...

take a look, would you?

Look at that. You got snow.

You're like me, Abel. I can tell.

You've got an empty void in your lonely life.

- I do? - You see...

you and I, we're like two lost travelers...

in a dark, loveless, frozen world.

No.

I got plenty of heat in my van. Company's good about that.

You didn't need to call me. It's simple.

Your male and your female connectors have come unplugged.

I hate when that happens.

I just need to...

screw these back together.

Don't bother. The TV doesn't need to be hooked up.

I do.

Well, your equipment is in perfect condition.

I'd like to see you again, Abel.

I'd like to get more premium channels.

I guess you could say I'm cable-ready.

Sure.

You've already got the box.

I just have to plug it in.

Have anything to say, Leon?

Yeah. What happened to the TV?

That's all?

I'm on the verge of greatness. Back to work.

- Call the TV repairman in the morning. - Good idea, Leon.

Good idea.

What seems to be the problem now, ma'am?

Vertical hold.

How about a rerun of last night's show?

I hate reruns.

Let's think of today more as an encore presentation.

- What about your husband? - Don't worry about him.

He's at...

- Janet? -... the front door!

- Oh, God! - Oh, shit.

- Janet? - Up here, Leon, in the bedroom.

What the hell is going on here? And who the hell are you?

I'm the cable man, sir.

I'm just here to check out some of the equipment.

You told me to call him, honey.

It seems your work is causing some interference.

I'd say that's what caused the problem in the first place.

Didn't you just install cable the other day?

But I had to come back. We had to work out some of the kinks.

Turn that off.

Tales From The Crypt.

Leon, what are you doing home in the middle of the afternoon?

I've taken a leave of absence from the hospital until this research is finished.

- That means you'll be here from now on. - Right.

- Round the clock, down in the lab. - Shit.

As soon I've perfected my anesthetic, I'll be there for you.

But right now, I'm just not able.

You can say that again.

No, no, no. Come here. He'll be down there for hours.

We can always tell when he's about to come up...

because the red light goes off.

You could escape through the garden. It's perfect, love.

Day seven. Mr. Cottontail remains stable in suspension.

Cells still normal.

Evian, take me.

Here. Now.

No, Fuchsia.

There's someone else in my life now.

Evian. How could that be?

You've been locked up in the men's house of detention for two weeks.

Oh, my God.

You know, cable really has improved the quality of my life.

Light's out. Out through the garden.

Take your time.

- Bye, baby. - Bye.

How's it going, hon?

Day 10, Janet.

Mr. Cottontail is resting comfortably.

I hope you're not too lonely.

I'm managing.

Day 15.

Subject still normal.

The most difficult operation...

now seems possible.

Very good.

Very good, sweetie pie.

Can you stop an avalanche...

from thundering wildly down a mountain?

No.

Can you stop a waterfall from crashing...

over a cliff?

No.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, yes.

I can see Stockholm now. The Nobel Prize.

Janet? Janet.

You're going to be very proud of me.

I want you, Abel. I want your body.

Give me all of it, every inch of it.

I want your body.

I want your body, Janet. Give it to me.

- Yes. - Give it to me.

Yes.

Give me your body now.

- Yes. - No.

- Yes. - No.

Take my body.

What can I do? What can I do?

Divorce her and leave her? No.

No. That would be too easy.

- Give it to me. - Yes.

I've got to hurt her...

hurt her as she hurt me.

Yes.

Yes.

First on Mr. Cottontail...

now on humans.

Or should I say subhumans?

Day eight.

The subjects appear to be normal.

The extended anesthesia...

is allowing the procedure to far exceed my hopes.

The extended anesthesia is allowing the procedure to far exceed my hopes.

Day 15.

Subjects in place. Should awaken momentarily.

- Hi. - Hi.

How long we been asleep?

Baby, you're wearing me out.

Let's get some light on in here.

- Oh, my God. What's happened? - I don't know.

What the hell's happened to us, Janet?

What do you think happened?

Leon.

You've just made medical history together.

Leon. How could you?

You lost your heads over each other.

You wanted each other's bodies.

I gave them to you.

Well, looks like Janet and Abel have become rather attached.

Talk about being stuck on each other.

I guess the next time Janet wants to cable up...

she'll be a little more careful about it.

Anyway, I've got to get back to my game.

What do you know? Par for the corpse.