Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:26,000
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:36,204
Gentlemen, today I achieved
a significant milestone.
3
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:39,207
I killed my ten-thousandth rat.
4
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,425
Mrs. Dunphy's Weimaraner
gets co-credit,
5
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,510
but I got my mallet in there.
6
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:44,674
Wow, man, Wow.
7
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,217
Like a dang ol'
exclusive club, man.
8
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,931
Well, congratulations, Dale.
9
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,516
That's exciting news.
10
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,556
Look who's telling
me about exciting.
11
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,725
The man who stood
behind Waylon Jennings
12
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,142
on an escalator!
13
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,140
Well, I was five people back.
14
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,183
OCTAVIO:
Hey Gribble,
15
00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,647
the trophy shop said
16
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,236
this was the biggest plaque
they had.
17
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,606
Thank you, Octavio.
18
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,199
Eh, he was supposed
to be mid-roar.
19
00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,324
Uh, so, Bill,
20
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,696
what have you been up to?
21
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,782
I, uh...
22
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,786
I gave my ten-thousandth
Army haircut.
23
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,207
Mm-hmm.
24
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,500
And I'm getting a plaque.
25
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,382
Wait a second.
26
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:26,174
I feel like I saw that
in a movie or something.
27
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:28,217
You disguised certain
facts, esse,
28
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,716
but that story is Gribble's
intellectual property.
29
00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:33,469
Bill, tell us something
that's happened to you.
30
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:36,517
Well... recently
I stole Dale's story
31
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,515
and tried to pass it off
as mine.
32
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,142
(crying)
33
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:44,234
I'm a boring man
and I have no life.
34
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,651
(crying)
35
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,696
So, Boomhauer,
what's new with you?
36
00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:50,160
CONNIE:
Did you guys hear what happened
37
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:51,161
last night?
38
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,197
Someone broke into the art room
39
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,198
and ate all the macaroni
projects.
40
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:57,041
I heard some janitors talking
41
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,207
about weird stuff
going on here at night.
42
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,705
Showers turning on
by themselves.
43
00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:04,003
Mysterious toilet cloggings.
44
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:07,003
Sounds like Prom Queen Mary
is back.
45
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,630
Who's Prom Queen Mary?
46
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:13,225
The ghost of a former
Tom Landry prom queen.
47
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:17,016
She was decapitated when
a basketball hoop collapsed
48
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:19,231
under the weight
of too much crepe paper.
49
00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:22,226
Every prom season,
she comes back.
50
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,819
She still wants to dance.
51
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,813
The headless prom queen is back!
52
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,235
What else could it be?
53
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,232
Move along, kids.
54
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:30,529
You want to have a conversation,
55
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,072
do it in the back of class.
56
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,867
Principal Moss,
57
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,284
have you heard anything
58
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,578
about Tom Landry being haunted
59
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,793
by a headless prom queen?
60
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:43,085
No, we had a couple kids choke
on erasers, but no hauntings.
61
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,003
I'd probably remember
something like that.
62
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,926
Joseph, tomorrow night
63
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:52,173
we are getting video proof
of Prom Queen Mary!
64
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,218
CHAD:
Before Debbie gets here,
65
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:59,188
I didn't exactly tell her
you were my roommate.
66
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,227
I said you were my gay butler.
67
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,225
Oh, no, you didn't!
68
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,226
(laughing)
69
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,978
Here comes trouble!
70
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,570
LEIF (on TV): Dude,
she's not gonna buy it.
71
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,235
When I slept with
Debbie last night,
72
00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,233
I told her I was
a race car driver.
73
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,235
CHAD (on TV):
Oh, no, you didn't!
74
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,078
(laughs)
75
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,413
Those roommates!
76
00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,373
Aren't they funny?
77
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:23,670
That's it!
78
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,664
I was watching TV last night,
79
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,133
and I figured out what was
missing from my life.
80
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,219
Everything, except a TV?
81
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,757
A roommate!
82
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,221
It will transform my life
83
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,932
from gritty drama
to bright new comedy!
84
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,767
Hey, hey, whoa, man.
That's madness.
85
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,511
Now, hold on there, Bill.
86
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:43,232
Why don't you start small and
work your way up to a roommate?
87
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,227
What about that fighting fish
you've had your eye on?
88
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,194
Nope, roommate!
89
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,236
Bill, guys your age
don't get roommates
90
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,909
unless they're in prison.
91
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:58,951
And that only works
92
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,041
because they have
something in common.
93
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:05,128
No, Hank, having a roommate will
be instant fun all the time.
94
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,920
Roommates go on double dates,
they swap clothes.
95
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,041
When the phone rings,
96
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:11,668
and it's a person
you're avoiding,
97
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,046
you can whisper, "I don't want
to talk to him,"
98
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,548
and your roommate will say,
"He's right here."
99
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,221
That's hilarious!
100
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,218
Bill, you and your
roommate crack me up.
101
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,186
What can possibly happen next?
102
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,222
Everyone, slow down.
103
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,941
Bill, if you weren't you
and you met you,
104
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,685
would you want to live with you?
105
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:31,484
Well, maybe not,
but someone will.
106
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,232
I placed this ad online.
107
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:37,236
"Roommate urgently wanted
for fun, good times,
108
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,613
"and getting in and out of jams.
109
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,456
"I'm up for anything.
110
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,495
Anything."
111
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,209
Think I'll get any responses?
112
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,203
Unfortunately, yes.
113
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,626
Bill, whoever you get
affects us, too.
114
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,124
(sighs)
115
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,423
I'm sorry, but we're taking over
your roommate search.
116
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,136
I still get final decision,
right?
117
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,137
Yes.
118
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,719
But we reserve ultimate
decision.
119
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,683
Fair enough.
120
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,683
As an artist,
121
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:06,056
I'm not able to pay rent.
122
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,229
But I will fill
your home with art.
123
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:11,399
Over there,
I see a rusty bathtub
124
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,238
filled with bicycle parts
and urine.
125
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,824
Sounds beautiful.
126
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,693
Here's two keys...
No.
127
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:20,241
I-I-I don't want the small room.
128
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,239
I want the big room-- your room.
129
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,957
Okay. When can you...
130
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,747
And I changed my mind.
131
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:28,165
I want both rooms--
All the rooms!
132
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,163
And a sign in front that says
"Jimmy's House."
133
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,003
I don't hear a deal-breaker.
134
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,375
Bill.
135
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,218
So I'm Kadee Calhoun.
136
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:38,134
I recently got divorced,
so I'm looking for a new place.
137
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:40,139
I hostess at Luly's and...
138
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:42,133
(gasps): Are you the
same Kadee Calhoun
139
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,223
who was Miss March, 1978?
140
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,937
Why, yes I am.
141
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,230
Oh, God...
142
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:51,102
Tum-ons: Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
And mopeds.
143
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,227
Turnoffs: war.
144
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,229
Do you still miniature golf
in the nude
145
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,776
or was that just
for the picture?
146
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,991
Wow... you really remember.
147
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,406
I have a memory for things
I look at all the time.
148
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,246
Well, those pictures
were taken a lifetime ago.
149
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,616
Now, I'm just focused
on my career,
150
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,209
staying positive,
and finding a place to live.
151
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,124
I hope I'm what
you're looking for.
152
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,498
Well, Kadee Calhoun,
I am quite confident
153
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,215
that you've...
Got to keep looking.
154
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,333
Good luck with that.
155
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,962
Bill, you'd just get
156
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,214
emotionally involved
with someone like her.
157
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,931
No, no, no!
No, I wouldn't.
158
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,470
Look at her!
She needs me.
159
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,219
We're here to find
a middle-aged guy
160
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,687
with a job, that's it.
161
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,727
Sorry for wasting your time,
162
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,976
Miss, uh... March.
163
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,193
Remember, it's Luanne's
wedding video in here,
164
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:44,446
so we don't want to tape over it
unless we are positive
165
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,414
it's a ghost.
(rattling)
166
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,828
What's that rattling?
167
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,201
Is it the spirit board?
168
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,202
Maybe she's trying
to tell us something.
169
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,125
No, I couldn't find
the spirit board,
170
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,915
so I brought Word Scramble.
171
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,794
Maybe she's trying to tell us
something in spelling.
172
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,217
(gasps);
Joseph!
173
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:05,183
Those are not human words!
174
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,844
JOSEPH: She's in
the science lab!
175
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:10,222
She's trying to
reanimate herself!
176
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,848
(door creaking)
177
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,225
Run!
178
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:17,445
(both screaming)
179
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,737
Here's a good way to save money.
180
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,952
Instead of throwing away
calendars, save them
181
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,948
and use them again
in seven to 14 years.
182
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,416
Huh.
(phone ringing)
183
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,159
Hello?
184
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,207
Dad, you have to come get us.
185
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,080
Bobby? Where are you?
186
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,458
We're in the girls'
bathroom at school.
187
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,505
It's actually not that
different.
188
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,050
And there is some
creepy stuff going on.
189
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:43,422
(sighs):
I'll be right there.
190
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,674
Don't touch anything.
191
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,560
I can't believe
192
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,144
you kids broke into the school
193
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,180
over this nonsense.
194
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,773
Bobby, you're grounded.
195
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,608
Joseph, I'm sure your dad
196
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,523
will have his own
punishment for you.
197
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,192
Oh, I will.
198
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:02,111
For starters, mister,
you will be my shield
199
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,235
when we encounter the
headless prom queen.
200
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,158
Dale, there is no prom queen.
201
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,206
(screams)
202
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,043
(Yawns)
203
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,207
I didn't hear the bell.
204
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,001
Is it first period already?
205
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,217
When my wife and I split up,
206
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:24,213
she got the money and the house,
and I was living in the car.
207
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,805
Then she got the car, too,
208
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,174
so this is the logical choice.
209
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,469
I can't believe
Principal Moss is living
210
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,470
at Tom Landry Middle School.
211
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,188
I know, with a ghost!
212
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,228
You fellas have time to stay
for a health film?
213
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,601
I know the good ones.
214
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,570
Carl, you can't keep
sleeping at the school.
215
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,235
I know that, Hank.
216
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,982
But I had a hell of a run.
217
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,780
Wait a sec.
218
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:48,779
The solution to everyone's
problem is right here.
219
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,201
No, it's not.
220
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,871
Bill, meet your new roommate.
221
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,210
You got Skinemax?
222
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,203
Yes.
223
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,750
Let's do it.
224
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,507
I'll just get the crate
of little milks,
225
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,053
and that's all my stuff.
226
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,220
Please, Hank.
227
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,938
I want adventure and
fun-loving good times.
228
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,978
Carl smells like sloppy joes.
229
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,602
Carl is the perfect
roommate for you.
230
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,525
One, he'll be able to pay rent.
231
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,823
Were you gonna give me a "two"?
232
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,613
Dang it,
you don't need a "two."
233
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,986
(mumbles):
Do need a two.
234
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,987
Sure gonna be different
sleeping in a place
235
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,989
where bells don't go off
every 50 minutes.
236
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:36,209
Well, I know you guys are
eager to make a chore wheel,
237
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,249
so I'm gonna get
out of your way.
238
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,211
Well, let's make
the best of this.
239
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:43,709
What do you want to do first?
240
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,925
Buy a foosball table?
241
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,044
Crash a wedding?
242
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,887
I should pick up some deodorant.
243
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,131
I've been using blackboard chalk
244
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,220
under my arms
for the last three months.
245
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,763
(sighs)
246
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,181
Let's go.
247
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,232
Uh, it seems we're after
248
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,942
the same pack of party napkins.
249
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,936
May I offer a compromise?
250
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,234
You and your friend can wipe
your faces with them
251
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:08,154
at a pizza party
my roommate and I are throwing.
252
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,613
(giggling)
253
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,203
Only if you let
my roommate and me
254
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,243
bring this giant thing
of margarita mix.
255
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,741
You guys got a blender?
256
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,037
Hey, Bill?
257
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,752
Which of these bad boys
fits better, you think?
258
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,121
My 'rhoids are murder.
259
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,175
(sighs)
Excuse us.
260
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,010
(Signs)
261
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,263
They both look nice.
262
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,183
Bobby, with Principal Moss
living nearby,
263
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,021
the most important
homework you could do
264
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:40,640
is to cozy up to him.
265
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,857
I get it.
266
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,820
You say "suck up,"
I say "how high?"
267
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,188
Exactly.
268
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,905
He is almost done
with his cigarette.
269
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,696
When he finishes, I want
you to go out there and...
270
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,114
Aw, too late.
271
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,407
He started another one.
272
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:54,529
Damn.
273
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,997
(gasps):
He'll need an ashtray!
274
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,582
Go!
275
00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:00,703
So we call it
the "Bully Awards."
276
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,500
And when the bullies
come onstage
277
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,214
to accept their prize,
we pack them up
278
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,208
and ship them to another school.
279
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,130
Mm-hmm.
280
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:11,217
What's the story
with Gribble's wife?
281
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,965
Uh, I'll just freshen this up.
282
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,510
DALE: Thanks for
having us over, guys.
283
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,229
(gasps):
I love the literacy posters.
284
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,939
Is that your touch, Carl?
285
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,104
They're covering some
holes in the plaster.
286
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,693
Carl had a little
too much to drink
287
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,437
and thought his shadow
was attacking him.
288
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,274
Uh, okay,
jacks or better to open.
289
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,952
Carl, why don't you
put on some shoes?
290
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,241
It's okay to walk
around barefoot
291
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,740
when it's just you and me,
but we have company.
292
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:42,119
Oh, right, your fancy party that
you've been planning for days.
293
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,210
Well, here it is,
294
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,080
the social event of the season.
295
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,207
MOSS: Is it everything
you dreamed of, Bill?
296
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,675
We'll talk about it later.
297
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:49,792
It never stops.
298
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,089
"Carl, put on your shoes.
299
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,632
"Carl, get up so I can vacuum.
300
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,472
Carl, don't fall asleep
on the toilet."
301
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,057
Try living with that.
302
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,551
Um...
303
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,224
we're still looking
for our jacks.
304
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,767
You see how he is?
305
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,232
And another thing,
Carl swore he didn't eat
306
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,897
all my mustard,
but I know he did.
307
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,236
Tonight, after he vomits,
I'll have my proof.
308
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,230
You still yappin'
about that mustard?
309
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,698
Oh, look who's back.
310
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,032
BOOMHAUER:
Aw, man, look,
311
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,742
talkin' about
a dang ol' cat fight, man.
312
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,031
(hissing)
313
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,244
Man, I'm getting
out of here, man.
314
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,284
I'm out, too.
315
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,998
I'm Boomhauer's
designated walker.
316
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,207
Yeah, uh...
317
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,124
Yeah, I might not have
set my parking brake.
318
00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:34,088
(groans)
319
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,714
That one went in my beer!
320
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,556
(chuckles):
That's the kind of thing
321
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,391
if you were trying to do it,
you just couldn't.
322
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,227
(groans):
Oh, I hate you!
323
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,221
I could have had
a Miss March living here
324
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,222
instead of you!
325
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:45,474
Hank was wrong!
326
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,191
And now I'm gonna
make things right!
327
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,074
Table for one? Bill!
328
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,239
I'm here under false pretenses.
329
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,237
I already had a big lunch,
and I,
330
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,830
I don't need a table for one.
331
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,790
I have a house for two.
332
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,375
Kadee, will you be my roommate?
333
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,836
Yeah, I'm still looking,
so sure.
334
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,422
Oh! You've made
me so happy!
335
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:12,088
And this happiness
makes me hungry.
336
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,300
Table for one.
337
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,383
That's the last of it.
338
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,131
I'm giving Carl
five more minutes,
339
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,724
and then I'm putting
him on this pile.
340
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,764
All of this could have
been avoided
341
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,761
with an egg timer
in the bathroom.
342
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,229
It got Peggy and me
343
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,223
through the roughest patch
in our marriage.
344
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,190
I feel bad we're throwing
345
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,646
Carl out of the house.
346
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,894
Me, too.
347
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,611
But we'll watch movies
348
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,947
and eat popcorn
and forget all about it.
349
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,068
Bill, you always
make me feel better.
350
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,035
Guess I'll go check
out the closet space.
351
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:42,829
(sighs)
352
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,200
Bill, this is going to go badly.
353
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,416
Extremely badly.
354
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,037
And when it does,
don't come crying to me.
355
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,664
(laughs)
356
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,131
You should write some
of this down, Hank.
357
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,167
If Kadee and I end up
getting married,
358
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,637
you'll need funny stuff
for your best man speech.
359
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:01,007
12:05. It's checkout
time at Casa Dauterive.
360
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,221
Carl, I need the room.
361
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:07,392
Carl?
362
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,850
(gasps)
MOSS: Bill.
363
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,977
Guess who thinks
I've got cute feet?
364
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:20,485
It's weird, Bill.
365
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,204
It started as a good-bye hug
and just kept going.
366
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,743
Guess some days it just pays
367
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,207
not to get out of
bed, huh, William?
368
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,123
Mm-hmm, well, Kadee and I
have a lot of roommate stuff
369
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,208
to go over, Carl,
so you're in the way.
370
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,205
Time to leave.
371
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,082
Let's hear what the
lady has to say.
372
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,208
Face it, Bill.
373
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,552
Things would get kind of boring
with just the two of us.
374
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,216
(sighs)
375
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,510
Bill, I'm gonna need my pillow.
376
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,179
I'll go get it.
377
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,561
? ?
378
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,520
(Kadee and Moss giggle)
379
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,898
Hey, Bill.
What's new?
380
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,066
It's like I don't see
you anymore.
381
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,739
We're out of O.J., roomie.
382
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:16,541
Yeah, things are great.
383
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,635
Kadee and Carl get along
fabulously,
384
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:19,752
thank goodness.
385
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,096
And Kadee's got so much energy.
386
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,216
She's always dashing out
in the middle of the night
387
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,888
or getting strange phone calls
388
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,227
from a really
impolite Russian guy.
389
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,220
(snickers)
390
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,769
Or warning me not
to touch all these
391
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,892
mysterious boxes she's got.
392
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,393
Life's good.
393
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,361
(chuckles, sighs)
394
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,778
Well, looks like
you've got company.
395
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,786
(Russian accent):
This Kadee's house?
396
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,658
I have many boxes for her.
397
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,501
It's my house, actually.
398
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,461
I, I think we've chatted
on the phone.
399
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,671
My name is...
400
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,165
Go away, Yankee Doodle.
401
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,174
We'll call you if we need you.
402
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,177
Okay. Nice night
for a stroll.
403
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,684
Uh, thought I'd come in.
404
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,853
I've got to get up
in four hours.
405
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,946
Bill, we have an interesting
opportunity here.
406
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,240
Kadee and her ex-husband,
Yuri, have lots
407
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,204
of authentic-looking
merchandise
408
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,495
at low, low prices.
409
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,209
They even get all the hit
Hollywood movies
410
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,794
while they're still
in the theaters.
411
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,662
Eye-popping CGI, man.
412
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,377
And because he's the principal,
413
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,470
handsome here said
we could sell our things
414
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:45,964
at Tom Landry Middle School.
415
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,215
Especially the movies.
416
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,092
That way, kids won't
be downloading them
417
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:51,093
off the Internet,
which is illegal.
418
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,563
(coughs)
419
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,147
Is fake vodka.
420
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,233
(glass breaking)
Now I ready to crash.
421
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,899
No! I'm putting my foot down.
422
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,488
Yuri, Carl, I want you both out!
423
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,858
Kadee, I still want
to live with you
424
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,234
but you need a better attitude.
425
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:07,861
We split difference.
426
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,203
Everybody stay.
427
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,163
Even you.
428
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,705
MOSS (over P.A.): Attention,
students and faculty.
429
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,702
Today's fire drill is canceled
430
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,125
so you can take advantage
of a fire sale.
431
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,748
So stop by
the principal's office
432
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,466
for some A+ merchandise
433
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,210
at D-minus prices.
434
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,212
That's my neighbor!
435
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,590
(speaking Russian)
436
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,466
Bill won't admit it, but I know
437
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,763
something's going on over there.
438
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,228
Yesterday, that Yuri
tried to sell me
439
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,939
Tim Conway's Dorf On Golf 8.
440
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:40,561
Everyone knows that's not coming
out for another six months.
441
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,404
Like all Russians, he's just
after your blue jeans.
442
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,194
I'm afraid to put
our laundry on the line.
443
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:46,528
I'm pooped.
444
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,242
School was exhausting.
445
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,703
But the bargains
were incredible.
446
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:53,039
Why are you wearing
a girl's purse?
447
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,409
It's a Louis Vuitton backpack
and it's unisex.
448
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,128
Question: Does the Devil
wear Prada?
449
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:03,216
I don't know,
but the propane salesman does.
450
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,130
And Mom,
451
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,800
I have nothing up my sleeve,
except...
452
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,923
Hermes scarves.
453
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,845
(gasps, giggles)
454
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,935
Bobby, where did
all this stuff come from?
455
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,224
Principal Moss had
a special sale.
456
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:20,145
He even threw in this Cartier
'cause we're neighbors.
457
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,563
All right, that's it.
458
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,106
I'm going over there.
459
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,400
Hank, wear your Prada!
460
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,233
Look who changed mind.
461
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,951
One Dorf on Golf coming up.
462
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,867
I'm not here to buy
an illegal comedy product.
463
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,581
Let me talk to Bill.
464
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,541
Fat man! Visitor!
465
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,122
Hi, Hank.
466
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,537
I'd invite you in,
467
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,789
but we only have
four fondue forks.
468
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,665
Bill, you can drop the act.
469
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,383
I know your roommates
are running
470
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,218
a counterfeit goods operation.
471
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,587
Are they? (laughs)
472
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,180
Those nutty nuts.
473
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,470
Look, I know I said
when this thing blows up,
474
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,218
don't come crying to me.
475
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,969
Well, you can come cry to me.
476
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,221
(whines)
477
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,222
The important thing is
that you agree
478
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,441
to stop making decisions
for yourself.
479
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,231
Yes, Hank.
480
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,944
Now, we gotta move fast
481
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,530
before you get even more
got-dang roommates.
482
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,654
I think the problem is,
483
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,244
I don't have enough roommates.
484
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,703
I have an idea.
485
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,572
That sounds like decision talk.
486
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:17,789
Please, Hank.
487
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,659
Give me one more chance
to fix this myself.
488
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,161
All right.
489
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:26,924
I supervise a lot of
math teachers, Yuri,
490
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,920
and your dividing by three
skills need a lot of work.
491
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,216
You forgot overhead.
492
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,180
Magic markers, white-out...
493
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:34,841
BILL:
So, here's the place.
494
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,092
Oh, hi.
495
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,094
This is Octavio
and his brothers.
496
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,687
They're gonna be
living here, too,
497
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:40,976
as my guests.
498
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,724
From now on, I park
in the driveway, esse.
499
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,694
Driveway space is mine.
500
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,197
Roommate vote.
501
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,066
Who wants the scary
new guys to leave?
502
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,453
Who wants the scary
new guys to stay?
503
00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,739
Tiebreaker!
504
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,664
If the dude filming this takes
one more call on his cell, man,
505
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,006
I'm turning this off!
506
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,590
Who drank my soy milk?
507
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,175
I didn't see no name on it.
508
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:12,587
I drew a bunny on it.
Same thing!
509
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,840
Hey, we're not taking crap
from an ex-centerfold.
510
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,217
You listen to me.
511
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,685
Once a bunny, always a bunny!
512
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:22,806
Uh-oh, are my roommates
not getting along?
513
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,603
Maybe a few of you
want to move out.
514
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,851
Casual Encounter?
515
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:29,445
South of Rainey Street is mine
for perfume, esse.
516
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,439
Is different demographic.
517
00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:32,531
Don't be baby.
518
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,366
Baby? I'll show you baby.
519
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,282
Let's go!
(Kadee grunts)
520
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,419
(crashing)
521
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,379
(siren wails)
522
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,919
Once the police get
a handle on things,
523
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,512
I think we'll agree that
my plan was a good one.
524
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,843
So I'm thinking of moving out.
525
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,220
Things have gotten
too complicated.
526
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:03,220
Okay.
527
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,224
Did I get a security
deposit from you?
528
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:07,896
(sighs)
529
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,231
CHAD (on TV):
Hold on.
530
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:13,447
You gave our rent money
to a phony fortune-teller?
531
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:14,736
She wasn't phony.
532
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,700
She predicted you'd be mad!
533
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:17,739
(canned laughter)
534
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:58,447
LEIF:
Oh, no, you didn't!
535
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:09,500
Ripped By mstoll
536
00:22:09,550 --> 00:22:14,100
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37239
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof