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1
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:26,000
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:33,621
I've identified
3
00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:35,085
two of your problems, Bill.
4
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,087
There's no oil in your oil pan,
5
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:40,629
but lots of it in your
windshield washer reservoir.
6
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:43,173
I don't know if we can save
this engine.
7
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:46,092
Our best bet might be
to take out the floorboards
8
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,931
and make this a Flintstones car.
9
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,096
I'd say you should donate it
to charity,
10
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,138
but charity people have
enough problems.
11
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:56,352
Dang it, Bill, you know
this car deserves better.
12
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:59,648
Sorry, Hank.
Sorry, car.
13
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,359
Dale, you missed the trash can.
14
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,402
Meh.
15
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,197
Hank, you will
never believe who is on
16
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,444
our answering machine.
17
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,569
Didi.
18
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,413
Didi?
What does she want?
19
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,248
My dad's been dead over a year.
20
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,164
I was hoping she'd
take that as the end
21
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,081
of her step-mothering
duties.
22
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,167
My guess is, with Cotton gone,
23
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,086
Didi's probably lonely and
desperate for a new man.
24
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,468
Prepare for war, Peggy.
25
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:25,881
Shut up, Dale.
26
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:28,130
I better go give it a listen.
27
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:31,096
Dale, you're gonna pick up
that can, right?
28
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,015
Maybe I'll pick it up,
maybe I won't.
29
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,684
We call that suspense.
30
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,483
(over speaker):
This is Didi Hill.
31
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,693
Cotton asked
that I give you this.
32
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,187
See you... soon.
33
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,187
"This"?
34
00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,609
What does she mean by "this"?
35
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,404
We can't see
through the dang phone.
36
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,776
This is bad, Hank.
37
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,779
Nothing involving your
father ever turns out good.
38
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,200
You know what I've
been wondering?
39
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,290
Was Grandpa a good dancer?
40
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,080
Because-- no offense--
41
00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:00,045
There's no way I got my moves
from either of you.
42
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,630
Well, I don't think your grandpa
43
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,169
liked to dance, Bobby.
44
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,759
Dancing conveys
a certain amount of joy
45
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,095
that I don't think
your grandfather condoned.
46
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,052
Okay, then,
what did Grandpa like?
47
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,176
Well, uh, he was a war hero.
48
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,177
He killed 50 men...
49
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,929
and, uh, well, you know,
50
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,647
that's a lot of, uh...
a lot of men.
51
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,143
Hmm, there's got to be
something else.
52
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,649
You must be very
proud, Mr. Hill.
53
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,820
Of course I am.
54
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,158
I killed 50 men.
55
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,787
I killed 50 men!
56
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,416
I killed 50 men.
57
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,459
Hmm.
58
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,671
I don't think I know
anything about my dad.
59
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,506
Well, other than his hatred
60
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,172
of Tojos, Nazis and my mother.
61
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,966
Well, hatred was just about
all there was to Cotton.
62
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:51,178
And...
63
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,390
no, no, just hatred.
64
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,143
Maybe it's normal
65
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,886
not to know much
about your father.
66
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,105
How much do you guys
know about your dads?
67
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:02,850
If anything, I know too much
about my father.
68
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,523
It's all tucked away
in the corners of my brain
69
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,442
that alcohol can't reach.
70
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,189
I was able to piece together
71
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,408
an interesting
history of my father
72
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,744
using mug shots and
dental records.
73
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,282
My dad collects stamps.
74
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,201
His favorite color is dark blue.
75
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,824
Oh, and he loves paella,
76
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:21,418
especially when it's made
by his boyfriend, Stephano.
77
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,083
Well...
78
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,168
Didi's coming by tomorrow.
79
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,585
It might be my last chance
80
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,174
to ask her some questions
about him.
81
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,510
So, are you going to
pick up that can, Dale?
82
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:33,005
I have a to-do list
a mile long,
83
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,883
but when I get done with
everything on that list...
84
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,680
uh, I can't lie to you, Bill.
85
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,394
I'm not going to do it.
86
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,309
(yawning)
87
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,148
(squeals)
88
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,445
(doorbell ringing)
89
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,193
Open that door, Dale!
90
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,614
What do you want?
91
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,362
I want you to pick up the can!
92
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,363
Why me?
93
00:03:58,363 --> 00:03:59,364
You're closer. Geez.
94
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,741
I swear.
95
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,869
It's like you don't have
any respect for me.
96
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:03,915
Of course I don't.
97
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:04,957
Look at you.
98
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,045
(grunts angrily)
99
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,334
I'm tired of being ignored.
100
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,458
You're picking that can up
right now!
101
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:10,960
(grunts)
102
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,757
Oh, here's something
I've been curious about.
103
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,176
Did my dad ever use
the ratchet set
104
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,845
we got him for his birthday?
105
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,092
The drop-forged one,
106
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,469
not the heat-treated one
we gave him for Christmas.
107
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:23,097
That's your seventh question
about Cotton's tools.
108
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,098
I think you should
try a new area.
109
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,193
You know, all this stuff
about Grandpa got me worrying
110
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:30,483
that maybe I don't know enough
about you.
111
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,356
Like, when you were my age,
112
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,529
did you practice kissing
on your hand or your pillow?
113
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,198
Yeah, uh...
114
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:40,198
that question being
of a personal nature and such,
115
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,040
it's kind of difficult to, uh...
116
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,160
BILL: Pick it up, pick
it up, pick it up!
117
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:47,663
Gribble and Dauterive
really going at it.
118
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,380
The chain-smoking anorexic
119
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,795
versus the heart attack
waiting to happen.
120
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,135
Who will die first?
121
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,545
Let's watch.
122
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:55,636
I don't know why
123
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,506
you're so worried
about that can, Bill.
124
00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,179
If it's anything
like your ex-wife,
125
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:02,519
it'll come to its senses
and walk away... forever.
126
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,058
(gasps):
You know what?
127
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,977
I haven't liked you for years!
128
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,189
Hold on, Bill.
129
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,401
Dale, the only reason
lever hung out with you
130
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,020
was because of Boomhauer and Hank.
- Oh, really?
131
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,990
Then how come just last week you
said you were my best friend?
132
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,904
I pretended you were Hank
when I said it!
133
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,198
(gasps)
Okay, that's enough, you two.
134
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:22,698
You're dead to me,
Bill Dauterive!
135
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,701
Good, I'd rather be dead
than be your friend anyway!
136
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,840
Boycott Dale Gribble!
137
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:36,178
He is an exterminator of bugs
and friendship!
138
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,389
Do not let him into your house
or your hearts!
139
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,725
This fight seems
to be getting serious.
140
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,185
Looks like I'm going to have
to do something to end this.
141
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,475
I'm going to go grab
a case of Alamo Gold
142
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,894
and sit them down
until this thing is figured out.
143
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,642
I think it's too late for that.
144
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,771
This has gone beyond a fight,
and has officially become
145
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,022
a "dude-vorce."
146
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:55,897
A what?
147
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,194
A "dude-vorce" is what happens
148
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,067
when male friends break up.
149
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,490
Parade magazine
did a whole half page on it.
150
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,533
It's true.
151
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,952
I heard that one in two
male friendships
152
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,746
now ends in "dude-vorce."
153
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,914
It's so sad when dudes
grow apart.
154
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,129
She's here!
Didi's here!
155
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,418
Hello, Hank. Peggy.
156
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,386
Hello, Didi.
How have you been?
157
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:22,178
Excellent. I'm getting married
to a wealthy professional...
158
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,174
wrestler.
159
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,892
Anyway, this box is for you.
160
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,637
Sorry, I'm so late
getting it to you.
161
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:29,389
You have no idea how difficult
it has been to grieve
162
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,608
and fall madly in love
at the same time.
163
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,568
Now I have to go.
Wait, wait!
164
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,107
Are you sure
you can't stick around?
165
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,023
I have some things I wanted
to ask you about my dad.
166
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,697
I'm sorry, Hank, but I had to
clear Cotton out of my mind
167
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,786
so I could make room
for my new husband.
168
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,620
But, but I have a list!
169
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,992
"Did my dad like
Washington apples?"
170
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,371
What's in it? I can't
stand the waiting!
171
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,839
Well, looks like
some of my dad's medals,
172
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,925
uniforms, some paperwork...
173
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,011
It's his personal belongings.
174
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,175
He must have wanted
you to have these, Hank.
175
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:04,141
Maybe your dad did not
hate you, after all.
176
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,556
Hey, a tape recorder.
177
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,895
COTTON (on tape):
Hank,
178
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,810
I know no parent ever wants
179
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:13,558
their kids to outlive them,
but if you're hearing this,
180
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,902
I guess somehow
you pulled it off.
181
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,647
Anyway, here's a box
of my possessions
182
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,194
and a list of my wishes.
183
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,568
As the executor of my estate,
184
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,945
you gots to do
everything I tells ya.
185
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,199
It won't be pretty and you're
probably going to cry a little.
186
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,200
Just remember, I'll be watching.
187
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,167
And laughing.
188
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,662
That is all.
189
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,385
Oh, that man had some nerve!
190
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,721
All you wanted was to know
a little bit about him,
191
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,180
and what do you get in return?
192
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,594
His dirty work.
193
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,968
Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.
194
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,185
Why are you sorry?
195
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,181
My dad has made me
the executor of his will.
196
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,932
I'm finally going to learn
something about him.
197
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:54,933
BOBBY:
Wow!
198
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,901
Look at all this shin jelly!
199
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,190
And a gun!
200
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,029
Oh, dear Lord.
Put that thing down!
201
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,898
Let me see that list.
202
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:06,324
Oh, I see he left Dale,
Bill and Boomhauer something.
203
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,538
And of course,
I see nothing for you
204
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,248
on this list, Hank-- typical.
205
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,241
That's not true.
206
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,585
My dad gave me
the greatest gift:
207
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:16,079
the trust and honor
of handling his affairs.
208
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,341
Honor? Have you seen what
he wants you to do, Hank?
209
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,461
"Give the finger to the bouncer
at Juggstore Cowboys."
210
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:25,179
"Spit on the steps
of the Japanese Embassy."
211
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,172
The man is dead.
212
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,719
You do not have to do this.
213
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,434
Peggy, my dad entrusted me
214
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:32,646
with his final wishes and I have
to see it through for him.
215
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,605
I can't just throw
the list away.
216
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,769
He's right.
217
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,143
This thing is like
a treasure map of Grandpa.
218
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,186
Can I come with you when you
219
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,156
"slap the butt of some
brunette nurses at the V.A."?
220
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:44,110
No!
No!
221
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,199
(gasps)
222
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,864
(whispers):
Tell him
223
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,454
I want my kiddie pool
and my leaf blower.
224
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,414
Okay, uh, next issue.
225
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,159
Gribble wants the kiddie pool
and his leaf blower back,
226
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,536
as well as the alley
on Saturdays.
227
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,503
No sale!
We already gave you
228
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,168
the Arlen High football tickets
229
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,633
and the alley
every other Sunday.
230
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,752
What the heck is going on here?
231
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,846
Hank, when it comes
to a breakup,
232
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:09,808
there are no winners,
only losers-- two losers.
233
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,177
Can you guys just
put it on hold for a second?
234
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,100
I have some stuff
I have to give you
235
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,187
from my dad.
236
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,649
Cotton brought that fork
back from Germany.
237
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,689
I'm, uh, pretty sure
he killed somebody with it.
238
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,528
(gasps):
It's beautiful!
239
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,397
I love getting gifts, Hank.
240
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,195
I'm pretty sure Dale
doesn't know that though,
241
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,489
since he hasn't gotten me
anything for my birthday
242
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,987
for the last 14 years.
243
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,203
That's right, I counted!
244
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:34,200
What can you possibly
give the man who has nothing?
245
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,792
Look, I could really use
246
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,878
both of your help
with my dad's estate.
247
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:40,167
So just punch each other
or grill a steak,
248
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,712
and get this ridiculous
fight over with.
249
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,050
Meat won't solve this, Hank.
250
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,669
Not this time.
251
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,670
So either pick
a side or get lost.
252
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,928
Now, where were we?
253
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,176
(whispering)
254
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,768
Gribble's gonna need that fork.
255
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,182
No way!
256
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,180
It'll go well with this knife.
257
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,148
Give him fork, Dauterive.
258
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,153
Well, thanks for offering
to help me, Peggy,
259
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,440
but I don't know if
you should come in.
260
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,656
You've seen the list.
261
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,777
This might not be
the place for a lady.
262
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,074
Hank, I'm looking
on the bright side.
263
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,448
This list will let me
relive Cotton's death
264
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,074
over and over again.
265
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,630
Uh, thanks for meeting us,
Madame Francine.
266
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,125
Uh, this is for you
from my father.
267
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,593
So, you knew my father,
apparently.
268
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,137
Uh, is there anything you can
tell me about him?
269
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,854
(French accent):
Yes. Of all his platoon mates,
270
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,566
Cotton was the most curious
and inventive lover.
271
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,104
(groans)
272
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,983
Uh, excuse me.
273
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,902
Are you two the Cleery sisters?
274
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,149
Yes, sir.
275
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,493
Uh, this is from Cotton Hill.
276
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,455
I'm very sorry.
277
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,833
(sighs)
278
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,668
Oh, for heaven's sake.
279
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,163
(slapping)
Oh!
280
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,165
HANK:
What an awful day.
281
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,963
You know, I'm really
starting to wonder
282
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,551
what the point of all this is.
283
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,921
Maybe the point was
for Cotton to humiliate you
284
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,137
one last time.
285
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:15,517
Well, all we have left
to do is deliver this spat
286
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,181
to someone named Fatty.
287
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,179
And then it's all finally over.
288
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,146
Thank God.
289
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,273
Yeah, I guess.
290
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,528
(knocking on door)
291
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,108
Hi, uh, I'm looking for Fatty.
292
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,150
Fatty dead.
293
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,160
I'm his son, Little Fatty.
Who you?
294
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,120
Well, I'm Cotton Hill's
son, Hank.
295
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,452
My dad was in the service
with your father.
296
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,200
He passed away last year,
297
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,623
and he wanted your
father to have this.
298
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:43,620
Oh, yeah.
299
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,917
Daddy Fatty told me about that.
300
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:45,880
I'll take it.
301
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,464
(grunts)
(groans)
302
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,588
What the hell was that for?
303
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,720
Oh, Hank, I know
you were looking
304
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,642
to find out something
about your father,
305
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,608
but apparently it was
just not meant to be.
306
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,601
(sighs)
307
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,444
(door opens)
308
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:11,406
This key opens a box
at the bus station.
309
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,659
And sorry about the stomping.
310
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,244
That was Cotton's wish.
311
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,208
Well, here it is.
312
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,828
Box 1942.
313
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,080
Open it slowly, Hank.
314
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,048
It could be booby-trapped.
315
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:37,174
COTTON: "Boy, if you're reading
this, it means Fatty's dead.
316
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,177
"It also means this last task
comes down
317
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,430
to the one most likely
to screw it up... you."
318
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,147
Oh, God.
319
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:48,188
"Take what's in this box
and flush it down the crapper
320
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,186
"that General
George S. Patton used
321
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,188
"right before he left
to hunt down
322
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,816
Pancho Villa in Mexico."
323
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:59,037
Wha-what on earth would Cotton
want flushed down a toilet?
324
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,575
Good Lord, Peggy.
325
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,038
My dad wants me to flush him!
326
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:17,806
What kind of man asks his son to
flush his remains down a toilet?
327
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,799
Look on the bright side,
Uncle Hank.
328
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,927
This would have been
much more difficult
329
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,928
if Cotton hadn't had
the foresight
330
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,976
to cremate himself first.
331
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,976
Apparently it's some sort of
tradition in Cotton's platoon.
332
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,192
After one of them dies,
333
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,777
the remaining members reunite
334
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,522
to send their buddy off
to a watery grave.
335
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,446
Which just happens
to be a toilet.
336
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,662
Well, it doesn't sound very
respectful if you ask me.
337
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,655
But if that's
what my dad wanted,
338
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,204
then that's what I have to do.
339
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,325
I don't know, Hank.
340
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,328
General Patton's toilet
would definitely be
341
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,956
in my top three places
where I'd like to get flushed.
342
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,879
Right behind the one
Elvis died on and yours.
343
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,469
DALE (on walkie-talkie): I want
my skeleton to be dismantled
344
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,806
and sent in a box to
Singapore to be re-mantled.
345
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,016
Dang it, Dale.
If you're gonna participate
346
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,852
in the discussion
you have to be here in person.
347
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,096
DALE No can do.
348
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,018
Not as long as
what's-his-fat is there.
349
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,186
According to our agreement
350
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,776
I have the alley from
3:00 to 5:00 p.m.
351
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,190
Kahn said it's within
my legal right
352
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,859
to pull his batteries
out at any time.
353
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:15,855
Hey!
354
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,152
Relax, Bill.
355
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:20,152
So when do you and I
and not Bill leave, Hank?
356
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,199
I've got my flushing arm ready.
357
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,914
What? Why does Dale get to
go flush the colonel?!
358
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:25,998
I hate Dale.
359
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,037
We all hate Dale!
360
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,626
Dang it, I've had enough
of this.
361
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,120
Neither of you are going.
362
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,871
Boomhauer, we leave tonight.
363
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,090
Dang ol' yo, man.
364
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,175
(sighs)
365
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,844
Let's get this over with.
366
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,188
HANK:
Okay.
367
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,401
There's the bathroom.
368
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,691
Let's go.
369
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:01,572
What are you guys doing here?
370
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,490
You should be asking Dale that.
371
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:04,487
Because it's Saturday,
372
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,830
and I get Hank on Saturdays!
373
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,200
That was pending negotiation!
374
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,042
So anyway, Hank, I was thinking
375
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,627
that since I was
Cotton's favorite,
376
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,087
I should be the one
377
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,080
to push the flusher.
378
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,840
This is a military ceremony,
379
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,129
and since I'm military,
I should flush!
380
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,759
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(shouting)
381
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,173
I know what you're doing.
382
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,512
You're trying to flush someone
383
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,051
down Patton's toilet,
aren't you?
384
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,390
Uh, well,
385
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,180
it was my dad's last request.
386
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,927
See, he was a veteran, and...
387
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,146
I don't care if he was
George S. Patton himself.
388
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,185
I'm sick of all this.
389
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,807
Guys come in here all the time
390
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:34,650
trying to flush their dead
relatives down that toilet,
391
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,019
and you know what
happens each time?
392
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,190
My toilet gets clogged.
393
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,188
And you know
who has to pay to unclog it?
394
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,189
Me.
395
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,190
But my dad's...
396
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,157
Out!
397
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,663
All your blabbing in there
reminded me how much
398
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,329
I want to push you
into traffic-- mouth first.
399
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,792
How dare you!
400
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,161
Sucker punch!
401
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,083
(both grunting)
402
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,838
All right, that's enough!
403
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,423
I've had it with your fighting
404
00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:00,009
and with my dad's asinine list!
405
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,880
I'm going home.
406
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,053
Boy, Hank was a little dramatic,
don't you think?
407
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,175
Yeah. It's sad,
408
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,804
but some people thrive
on that sort of thing.
409
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,146
Man, what, you kidding me, man?
410
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,353
Talkin' 'bout ol' yak, yak, yak,
blah, blah, bluh.
411
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,645
Just shut up, man.
412
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,769
Dang ol', just got to do this
for Hank, man.
413
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:18,940
It's about Hank, man.
414
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,406
BILL:
Hank,
415
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,571
we've got something
we want to say.
416
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,910
We apologize.
417
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,154
And we want
418
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,076
to help you finish
what we screwed up.
419
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,199
We want to help flush Cotton
down the toilet.
420
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,371
(sighs)
421
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,788
I don't even care anymore.
422
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,912
And even if I did,
there's no way
423
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,755
that bartender's
gonna let us back in.
424
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,124
Don't worry about that.
425
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,922
Cotton's going down that toilet
tonight.
426
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,716
We have a plan.
427
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:47,181
A plan that's going to distract
a whole bar full of people?
428
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,096
It's not just a bar
full of people, Hank.
429
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,432
It's a bar full of
military people.
430
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,145
Yup, Vietnam.
431
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,064
That was the toughest war
we ever fought.
432
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,403
I heard that!
433
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:04,649
At least we won ours,
you whiny dope smokers!
434
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,152
World War ll was
the last great war!
435
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,696
Man, the Russians did all
the dirty work for you guys.
436
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,448
Now Desert Storm--
That was the real gut check.
437
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,665
Desert Storm?
438
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,877
You guys barely had time
to eat a falafel
439
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,495
before you hightailed it
out of there.
440
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,712
MAN:
What abouts Grenada?
441
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,547
Them medical students
was trapped!
442
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,837
Come on, you guys!
443
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,175
Remember the rules!
444
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,089
Not my rules!
445
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,469
Hell with the rules!
446
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:26,713
I can't read!
447
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,403
Hank,
448
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,523
would you like to do the honors?
449
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,149
Well, to be honest,
450
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,196
I don't really have
anything nice to say.
451
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,944
You go ahead, Dale.
452
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,367
I think I've caused
enough trouble this week.
453
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,206
Bill, why don't you?
454
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:55,825
I don't deserve it, either.
455
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:59,955
I'm embarrassed I got so upset
over a stupid beer can.
456
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:02,082
And how I didn't help you, Hank.
457
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,754
I'm sorry to both of you.
458
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,126
I'm sorry, too, Hank.
459
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,966
And I'm sorry, Bill.
460
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:09,885
When we get back home,
I'll pick up the beer can.
461
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,177
You don't have to.
462
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,641
(voice breaking):
I want to.
463
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,072
Uh, you know,
464
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:30,068
I-I guess I did learn something
about Cotton this week.
465
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,069
Sure, he killed 50 men,
466
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,117
but he didn't do it alone.
467
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,367
There were all kinds of Stinkies
and Fatties to help him.
468
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,460
Those guys meant a lot
to Cotton,
469
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,456
just like you guys, uh,
mean a lot to me.
470
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,838
It's a shame we never got
471
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,177
to experience the horrors
of war together,
472
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,386
but that doesn't mean
473
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,131
I don't enjoy our,
uh, time together.
474
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,553
Well, I guess we should do this.
475
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:03,105
Hold on a sec, Hank.
476
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,401
Attention!
477
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,122
(toilet flushing)
478
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,546
Yup. I just got the bill
from the Chimney Pipe.
479
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,800
I have to reimburse them $300
for that clogged toilet.
480
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,178
I guess we just have
to accept the fact
481
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,521
that even dead,
Cotton will always find a way
482
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,186
to disrupt our lives.
483
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,183
This one is on me.
484
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,653
You know, Dad, you never
answered my questions about you.
485
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:50,068
Well, you're right, Bobby.
What do you want to know?
486
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:51,190
I'll tell you anything.
487
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,192
How do you like
your hamburgers cooked?
488
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,194
Medium rare. Three flips.
489
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,162
Okay. What was it like
490
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,657
the first time
you slept in a bed with Mom?
491
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,876
How'd you choose which side
492
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,335
of the bed you'd sleep on?
493
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,170
And did you start cuddling
right away,
494
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,130
or did you build up to it?
495
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:09,171
Well, uh, okay.
496
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,090
Uh, let's start
with the bed question.
497
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,097
Uh, I sleep on the north side.
498
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,091
As for the cuddling, uh...
499
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,885
(clears throat)
500
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,137
Uh, Peggy, could you get me
some water?
501
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,351
Hello. I'm Hank Hill.
502
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:31,197
Clogged toilets are a serious
issue that affects everyone.
503
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,112
I'd like to take a moment
to give you a few pointers
504
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:36,118
on proper toilet usage
505
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:39,205
so what happened in this episode
won't happen to you.
506
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:42,200
First off,
items like cotton swabs,
507
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:43,701
chewing gum, cigarettes,
508
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:47,831
and, uh, lady things
should not be flushed.
509
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,173
The basic rule is,
510
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,167
never flush anything
down a toilet
511
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,637
that doesn't come directly,
uh, from you.
512
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,426
For tougher clogs,
513
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,800
purchase a snake
at a local hardware store,
514
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,801
or consult your local
yellow pages
515
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,680
for a certified plumber
in your area.
516
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,898
If it's a father
and son company,
517
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,358
request the father.
518
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,351
And finally, I want you to know
519
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,353
that no pipes
were actually damaged
520
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,355
in the making of this episode.
521
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,278
Thank you.
522
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,318
COTTON:
I killed 50 men!
523
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:06,500
Ripped By mstoll
524
00:22:06,550 --> 00:22:11,100
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