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1
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:19,000
Ripped By mstoll
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00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,424
Breakfast race!
Breakfast race!
3
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,721
(coughing)
4
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,138
(choking)
5
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,260
(slaps back)
6
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,513
(wheezing)
7
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,684
(sighs)
8
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,897
I win!
9
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,563
No fair!
Interference from the wife!
10
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,895
(sighs)
11
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,147
Dale, for the last time,
12
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,319
you cannot store your poisons
in the fridge.
13
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,817
We keep our food in here.
14
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:09,411
Come on! I labeled
it this time.
15
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,905
(phone ringing)
16
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,156
Hello?
17
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,327
Nancy, Tom Chick here.
18
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,916
We just got a hot tip
about a breaking story.
19
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:15,875
I want you to cover it.
20
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,832
I'm on it, Tom.
Give me the details.
21
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,497
A student at Durndle Elementary
22
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,089
brought his pet possum
to school.
23
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,300
And?
24
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:24,919
What? Did it bite somebody?
25
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,886
No. It's a baby, and it's cute.
Go film it.
26
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,130
(sighs)
27
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,882
Sure thing, Tom.
28
00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:32,885
Dang it, I'm sick of doing
these stupid animal stories.
29
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,103
But that's the cutest part
of the news.
30
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,722
Well, I'm tired of cute.
31
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,599
Cute doesn't win you
a local Emmy.
32
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,476
I'm bigger than possums, sugs.
33
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,569
But this could be big.
34
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:46,111
Come on, you're a genius at
making something from nothing.
35
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,449
You made Joseph.
36
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,279
You're right.
37
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,873
If I'm gonna get ahead,
I have to do it myself.
38
00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:00,754
I didn't know you were allowed
to say that word on TV,
39
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:03,124
let alone advertise a product
for it.
40
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,591
ANCHORMAN:
Welcome back.
41
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,051
We've all heard
of playing possum,
42
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,092
but what about playing
with a possum?
43
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,885
Nancy Hicks-Gribble reports.
44
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:12,804
I'm here at Durndle Elementary
45
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,767
with Billy Cook and
his little friend.
46
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,137
What's your pet's name, Billy?
47
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,683
Oranges!
48
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,808
And how did you sneak
Oranges past school security?
49
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,434
What's security?
50
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,811
Exactly.
51
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,904
A question far too
many schools are asking.
52
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,275
Billy and Oranges stand here
as a chilling reminder
53
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,697
of the tragedy that could've
befallen this school today.
54
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,661
If this boy had been
an intruder,
55
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,076
and this marsupial a gun,
56
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,200
"Show and Tell" could've had
a much different
57
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,917
and deadlier outcome.
58
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,331
I'm Nancy Hicks-Gribble
59
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,922
reporting on this dark day
in Durndle.
60
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,086
That poor school.
61
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,585
What?!
That wasn't even a story.
62
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,961
It was just a bunch of it's.
63
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,635
Hank, what could have happened
is often more important
64
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,599
than what actually happened.
65
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:55,888
BOBBY:
This is terrible.
66
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,852
If someone could bring a possum
to that school,
67
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,855
what's stopping them
from bringing one to mine?!
68
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,849
(sighs)
69
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:08,272
That classroom intruder
story has me all on edge.
70
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,898
I miss the days
71
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,526
when all I had to worry
about was getting pantsed.
72
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,655
Yeah, school's supposed
to be my time to relax,
73
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,531
but I'm so tense!
74
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,828
KLEEHAMMER:
Okay, people,
75
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,287
eyes front!
76
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,285
We're not getting caught
with our trousers down
77
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:23,912
like those poor saps in Durndle.
78
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,210
If any crazies try
to get into this school,
79
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,584
you're gonna know
how to fight back.
80
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,176
But what can we do?
81
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,886
We're just kids.
82
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,222
What...? You knuckleheads
are loaded for bear,
83
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,887
and you don't even know it.
84
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,761
The contents
of an average knapsack contains
85
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,889
at least 13 ways
to disable a man.
86
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:45,643
You see a pencil, I see a spear.
87
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,646
A squirt of juice box can blind
your assailant.
88
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:49,897
Cool!
Awesome!
89
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,615
But the textbook can cause
the most damage
90
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,234
from the greatest distance,
91
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,488
like a boomerang
or the Cherokee throwing hammer.
92
00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,707
Now, let's see what you've got.
93
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,873
Ooh! Nice shot!
94
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,166
Ow! Ooh. Well done!
95
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,539
Well... Oh, gah.
96
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,506
Keep it up!
97
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:10,917
Yup.
98
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,595
Mm-hmm.
99
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,464
(car horn tooting)
100
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:16,807
Sugs!
101
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,888
You are not gonna believe this!
102
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,886
My possum story is so popular,
103
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:23,810
it got picked up
by 12 affiliates!
104
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,440
Wingo!
Congratulations!
105
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,775
All right.
Huh.
106
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:27,814
This is so exciting.
107
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,274
Course, I don't know
what an affiliate is,
108
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,147
but I'm just happy you're happy.
109
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:36,903
It means my wife's face is
gonna be broadcast across Texas.
110
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:39,826
Nancy, your prison fan mail
is about to quadruple!
111
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,365
Ooh, you're right.
112
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,911
But this isn't about the glory.
113
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,286
I'm just happy
to be making the world safer
114
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,129
in as many markets as I can.
115
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:52,046
Am I the only one who realizes
that this story isn't news?
116
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,464
How can you say that
117
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,007
after what happened in Durndle?
118
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,880
Nothing happened in Durndle!
119
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,223
Oh, thank God.
120
00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,842
(yelps)
121
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,094
Direct hit, Joseph!
122
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,437
What the heck
are you kids doing?
123
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,523
Practicing our book aim, dude.
124
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,564
Mrs. Gribble's story freaked
everybody out at school,
125
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,654
so Coach Kleehammer
said us maggots need
126
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,774
to know how to
protect ourselves.
127
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,821
He says in this time
of uncertainty,
128
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,908
we have to be vigilant
and ready to throw things.
129
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,908
But today is no more uncertain
than yesterday
130
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,705
because nothing happened.
131
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,668
Thank God.
132
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:30,289
(phone ringing)
133
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,086
Hello?
134
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,425
Nancy Hicks-Gribble?
135
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:34,838
Hi. This is
Bret Winslow,
136
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,054
general manager of
KUMT in Dallas.
137
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,547
The News Mountain?
138
00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:39,890
That's right.
139
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,883
Listen, I caught your
classroom intruder piece,
140
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,885
and was very impressed.
141
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,729
So impressed that I'd
like to offer you a job.
142
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,098
Oh, my God!
143
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,896
I mean, I knew it was good,
144
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,859
but I didn't know
it was Dallas good.
145
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,645
This is incredible! I...
146
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:54,897
(sighs)
147
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,069
I don't know
if we can leave Arlen.
148
00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,863
My son is in school here,
149
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,448
my husband
has a job... kind of.
150
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,912
Are you crazy?
Say yes!
151
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,872
Dale, what are you doing
on the phone?
152
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,125
I monitor all incoming calls.
153
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,835
Nancy, you said
you wanted something bigger,
154
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,371
and this is huge!
155
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,713
You go, we'll make it work.
156
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,423
Yeah. Do it, Mom!
157
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:16,168
That's my boy,
monitoring the monitor.
158
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,842
So, what do you say, Nancy?
159
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:20,885
I'll take it!
160
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,349
Yay!
161
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,889
Let's meet
in the kitchen for a hug!
162
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,684
(phone ringing)
163
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,477
Uh, I locked myself
in the basement.
164
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,440
Be right there.
165
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:40,617
Dale, are you sure you'll be
okay with Nancy away in Dallas?
166
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:41,906
If you need
a home-cooked meal,
167
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,779
we can go over
to Hank and Peggy's.
168
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:44,904
Are you kidding?
169
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,248
This is gonna be great.
170
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,913
I can finally do all the
things Nancy won't let me do.
171
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,877
You know, Dale, just
'cause Nancy isn't around,
172
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,710
doesn't mean you can do
whatever you want.
173
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:57,755
Uh, actually, that's exactly
what it means, Hank.
174
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,011
(gasps)
175
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,801
I can't believe
this is happening!
176
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,343
Me, a reporter in Dallas!
177
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,762
I've wanted this ever since
178
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,852
I stepped in front
of a green screen.
179
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,561
Oh, I'm so nervous.
180
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,726
What if I can't make it
in the Metroplex?
181
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,565
Oh, of course you can, Nancy.
182
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,809
You're ruthless.
183
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,902
Remember when you paid
that kid with impetigo
184
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,862
to hang out with your
homecoming queen competition?
185
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,443
MINH:
Yeah.
186
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,908
You look sweet, but you'd
go for the windpipe
187
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,152
first chance you get.
188
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,654
Oh, thank you, sugs.
189
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,783
Well, the car is packed
and ready to go.
190
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,661
Uh, Nancy, are you sure
about this?
191
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,085
You know, leaving Dale alone,
uh, with your son
192
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,505
and your house,
which you still owe money on?
193
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,047
This is my chance, Hank.
194
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,920
Besides, Dale will be fine.
195
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,046
He can survive anything.
196
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,094
He's like one
of his cockroaches.
197
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,809
Mom, has your luggage been
out of your possession
198
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,893
since you packed it?
199
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,104
Yeah.
Security breach.
200
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,144
Joseph, sniff the bags.
201
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:02,816
All right, ready, camera one?
202
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,284
I need a single on Nancy.
203
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,652
Prep the graphic.
204
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,871
And... go, camera one.
205
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,411
Councilman Schneider could not
be reached for comment.
206
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,409
Wade and Gwen, back to you.
207
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,332
Well, thanks for
that report, Nancy.
208
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,295
And that's the news for tonight.
209
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,914
I'm Gwen St. James.
210
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,507
And I'm Wade Bixby.
211
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,842
Good night and remember,
212
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:24,555
we move mountains
to bring you the news.
213
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:25,889
And we're out.
214
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,882
Nice job, Nancy.
215
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,225
You looked good out there.
216
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,219
Thanks. It felt good.
217
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,688
So, Nancy, every night,
we gather in my office
218
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,774
for a little, uh,
post-show analysis,
219
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,608
aka "Happy Hour."
220
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,852
(laughter)
221
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,899
That's us-- think tank by day,
drunk tank by night.
222
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:43,864
Just be careful.
223
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,618
After a couple a drinks,
Wade gets a little grabby.
224
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,826
I do.
225
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:49,913
Well, I guess I don't have
to rush home
226
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,077
to my family
like I usually do after work.
227
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,201
You know, a drink sounds nice.
228
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,544
NANCY:
Vodka, this is Chopper One.
229
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,914
Traffic is clear from
my mouth to my stomach.
230
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,915
Whoo!
231
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,043
Give me the keys, Nancy.
232
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:07,890
I want to buzz my ex-husband's
girlfriend's condo.
233
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,849
(laughing)
234
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:12,636
(shouting):
I'm... Wade...
235
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,603
Bixby!
236
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,600
Have you guys seen Dale lately?
237
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,898
It makes me nervous
when I can't see him.
238
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,896
Nope.
And with Nancy being away,
239
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,819
I figured we'd hang out
all the time.
240
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,904
A couple of bachelors,
out on the town,
241
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,902
up to no good.
242
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,654
But things are the same.
243
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,122
(banging, crashing, clattering
in distance)
244
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,664
(dog barking in distance)
245
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,915
Hey, fellas, check it out!
246
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,213
Only four more A/C units to go,
247
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,928
and my transformation
to igloo status
248
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,967
will be complete.
249
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,555
Dale, you giblet-head.
250
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,140
What are you doing
to your house?
251
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,884
Reclimatization, Hank.
252
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,888
At the rate this world is
cranking out carbon dioxide,
253
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,889
we're just begging
for another Ice Age.
254
00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:01,393
If I prepare my body
for sub-zero temperatures now,
255
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:03,736
I'll be able to enjoy
the glaciers
256
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,401
rather than be killed by them.
257
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,899
Wow, you're really
on top of things.
258
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,446
Dale, this is crazy.
259
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,319
Does Nancy know what
you're doing here?
260
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,117
Maybe you like to bore Peggy
261
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,865
with all your little projects,
262
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,458
but I'm not going to bore
my wife with mine.
263
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,918
Hey, Gribble, where should I put
264
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,253
the walrus before it wakes up?
265
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,872
Joseph's bed.
266
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:31,473
I hate basketball,
but I love these martinis.
267
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,263
Yes, being a Dallas celebrity
does have its perks.
268
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,136
Course, some of us
spend a fortune
269
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,480
keeping this
"lifestyle" off our face.
270
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,723
Isn't that right, Gwennie?
271
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,850
(both laughing)
272
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,443
Finally, more shrimp.
273
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,905
I hate that man.
274
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,443
Really? I always thought
275
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,112
you and Wade were
having an affair.
276
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,327
We are.
It's good for ratings.
277
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,286
Want to know how evil he is?
278
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,496
Absolutely.
279
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,536
Every year, the station
sponsors a float
280
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,205
for the Rodeo Days parade.
281
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,202
Wade, of course,
gets one of the seats,
282
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,375
and he gets to pick
who sits next to him.
283
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:06,921
And every year, instead of me,
he picks his dog.
284
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,418
Oh, sug.
285
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,386
You just made me hate Wade, too.
286
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,881
You know, I think it's time
for some new blood
287
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,178
on top of that float.
288
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,142
And behind the anchor desk.
289
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:19,809
Hmm, couple of Texas
beauties, perhaps?
290
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,101
I like you, Nancy.
291
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,895
You're going to go far here.
292
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,859
(clinking)
293
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:36,113
(speaking Russian)
294
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,168
What the heck is Dale
doing over there?
295
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,833
Stop worrying about Dale
for two seconds
296
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,918
and tell me what
you think of this one.
297
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,292
Oh, I don't know, it's a dress.
298
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,838
Just like the last one.
299
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:52,428
Hank, Nancy was nice enough
to invite
300
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,593
Minh and me to a fancy
Dallas party.
301
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,887
The least I can do is look good.
302
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,885
But not too good,
so Minh doesn't feel bad.
303
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,728
Well, make sure you tell Nancy
304
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,438
that her jackass husband
305
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:05,434
is one air conditioner away
from an electrical fire.
306
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,687
(sighs) I knew her leaving
him alone was a bad idea.
307
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:09,812
Vigilance!
308
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:10,904
(Hank and Peggy gasp)
309
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,446
Robert Jeffrey Hill,
have you lost your mind?!
310
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,818
Always check under the bed.
311
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,907
That's Home Safety 101.
312
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,905
Out.
Okay.
313
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,624
But tomorrow,
we work on closets.
314
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:26,288
(classical music playing)
315
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,291
I respect Wade,
but I worry about him.
316
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,918
A man his age,
sneaking off to Mexico.
317
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,170
Bringing back experimental
318
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,887
black market pharmaceuticals.
319
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,883
I know he is a local
broadcasting legend,
320
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,634
but maybe it would be best...
321
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:40,886
You know, for the station.
322
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,728
...if Nancy
and I represented
323
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,564
KUMT on the Rodeo Days float.
324
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:49,311
Hmm, well, I am getting a little
tired of that beagle of his.
325
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,068
I'll give it some thought.
326
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,533
Nice work, partner.
327
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,903
I thought I had game,
but I am impressed.
328
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,996
(clinking)
329
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,784
Excuse me, Gwen,
my friends have arrived.
330
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,910
Hey, sugs!
331
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,379
Welcome to the
fabulous life, girls!
332
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:11,215
Now, don't be intimidated by
all these beautiful people.
333
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,551
Inside, we're all
the same as you.
334
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,638
Yeah, well, thanks
for inviting us, Nancy.
335
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,473
And we bring
greetings from Arlen.
336
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,809
Everyone except Kahn says hello.
337
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,553
Oh, how is everyone?
338
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:24,850
Are they watching me on TV?
339
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,481
It must be exciting for them
340
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,315
to see somebody they know
get so famous.
341
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,685
Yeah, real treat.
342
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,903
Ooh, see that lady?
343
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,487
The one with the
fake everything?
344
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,856
We've been secret plotting
345
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:37,117
to get Wade Bixby fired.
346
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,610
But what she doesn't
know is that
347
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,202
I'm secret double-crossing her
348
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,367
to get her fired, too.
High-five!
349
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:43,910
Nancy, that's awful.
350
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,409
Well, I have to get ahead, sug.
351
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,127
Enjoy your drinks, ladies.
352
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,871
I have some rumors to spread.
353
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,916
What the hell was that?
354
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,462
I, I do not know.
355
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,678
I've seen Nancy
with her claws out before,
356
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,343
but I had no idea
she could be like this.
357
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,842
I both respect and fear her.
358
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,386
(air conditioners
humming softly)
359
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,892
Oh, it's too cold in here.
360
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,235
I can't feel my baby finger!
361
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,274
Are you supposed
to feel your baby finger?
362
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,398
(electricity crackling,
air conditioners stop)
363
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,399
Dad?! Darkness!
364
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,401
Dang it, all my air conditioners
365
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,699
must've sploofed
our electrical system.
366
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,574
Which is why we have
to poach Hank's electricity
367
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:26,916
to keep the cold coming.
368
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,331
Help me find
the jumbo extension cord.
369
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,418
(thud, Dale grunts)
370
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:38,886
Mm...?
371
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,773
Intruder!
(screams)
372
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,362
(yelps)
373
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,490
(screams)
374
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,486
I got him!
375
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,742
(weak moan)
376
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,786
Dale?! Call Nancy.
377
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,917
You found this in Gwen's desk?
378
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:14,835
I just can't believe it.
379
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,249
I know.
380
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,922
So, so shameful.
381
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,464
Wade and Gwen
don't deserve to go
382
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,212
anywhere near that parade float.
383
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:24,512
Nancy, I want you alone
on the News Mountain.
384
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,384
(gasps):
Thank you, Bret.
385
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,057
I will not let you down.
386
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,646
Wow, I got to get this
thing out of the building.
387
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,850
Yes!
388
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,773
Looks like I'll be on top
of the mountain, sugs.
389
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,900
Enjoy the view
from the cheap seats.
390
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,901
(cell phone ringing)
391
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:44,902
NANCY (on phone):
Hello?
392
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,904
Nancy! Oh, thank God
I caught you.
393
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:47,826
Okay, Dale...
394
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:49,286
Can't talk, sug.
395
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,875
It's my victory party!
396
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,461
Next round's on me, sugs!
397
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,001
(patrons cheering)
Whoo-hoo, yeah!
398
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:03,504
(weak coughing)
399
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:04,505
(sighs)
400
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,882
For the last time, Dale,
401
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,884
I'm sorry my son beat you up.
402
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:10,888
Even though you're the one
who broke into my house.
403
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,639
Irrelevant.
404
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,061
C-Can someone open my beer?
405
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,230
The pain is too great.
406
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,649
Of course, Dale.
407
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,692
Eh-phtew!
408
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:21,905
(weakly):
Heh-heh.
409
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,900
That brought me some pleasure.
410
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,369
So, uh, when's Nancy coming home
411
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,704
to deal with, uh, this?
412
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,915
My baby's way too busy for that.
413
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,786
Nancy's top dog
at the station now, Hank.
414
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,331
She's even going to be
in a parade.
415
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,580
Isn't that great?
416
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,502
Wait, Nancy's not coming back
417
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,920
because of a parade?
418
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,964
It does take a lot of focus.
419
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,462
Yes. And I'd like
to be there
420
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,885
to support my wife,
but thanks to your son,
421
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,554
my driving leg is broken.
422
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,347
So as father of my assailant,
423
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,812
I demand you
chauffeur me to Dallas.
424
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,392
All right, fine.
425
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:55,514
If it'll shut you up.
426
00:16:57,308 --> 00:17:00,903
Vengeance will be mine!
427
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,897
Retracted.
428
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,195
(band warming up)
429
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,821
NANCY (slurred):
Hey, lady! I'm ready
430
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,660
to ride the mountain!
431
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:12,657
Have you been drinking?
432
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,375
Ugh, you look terrible.
433
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,210
We need to get you
into makeup, stat.
434
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,580
I could have you killed.
435
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:19,922
And here comes the entry
436
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,916
from the Dallas
Farm Association.
437
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,135
This is the first time
in Rodeo Days history
438
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,924
a float has been
shaped like corn,
439
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,298
made of corn and fueled by corn.
440
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,265
Better keep it away
from the horses.
441
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,805
(both laughing)
442
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,103
Hank, I do not know
443
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,064
what to expect from Nancy today.
444
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,900
Last time we talked,
she was full of herself.
445
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,314
And domestic champagne.
446
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,483
I'm sure she's fine, Peggy.
447
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,277
More baton twirlers?
448
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,696
Where's that tank
they keep talking about?
449
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,410
Look! There's my Nancy!
450
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,697
Nancy!
451
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,870
Nancy, wave at me!
452
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,087
(slurring):
Hello, Dallas!
453
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,137
Hey, goat!
454
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,551
(screams)
455
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,556
(all gasping)
456
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,520
My Nancy!
457
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,813
I'm okay. I'm okay.
458
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:23,523
(nervous chuckle)
459
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,816
Good night.
460
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,907
COMMENTATOR:
Nancy Hicks-Gribble, everyone!
461
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,241
Wow.
462
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,860
Yep.
463
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:37,333
BRET:
Oh, now this is a nice shot.
464
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,077
I can see why
the Dallas Morning News
465
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,623
put it on their front page.
466
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,621
(both snickering)
467
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,749
Bret, I'm so sorry.
468
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,422
So am I. Clean out your desk.
You're fired.
469
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,340
"Fired"?! Bret, wait!
470
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,383
Let me explain.
471
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,595
It was an accident.
472
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,181
I, I, I thought all those drinks
473
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,766
were just orange juice.
474
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:54,884
Save it, sweetheart.
475
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:57,057
You disgraced the Mountain.
476
00:18:57,053 --> 00:19:00,182
Clearly some people
weren't made for metro news.
477
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:03,151
Way to climb your
way to the bottom.
478
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,407
(moaning, sighing)
479
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,874
Uh, Nancy?
480
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,910
W-What are you
doing out here?
481
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,878
Waiting for the day to end.
482
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,163
Come on.
483
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,541
So you publicly
humiliated yourself
484
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,917
and got fired for it.
485
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,669
Don't dwell on the past.
486
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,888
There are plenty of things
to look forward to.
487
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:32,880
Like what?
488
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,382
I'm back where I started.
489
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:37,886
I got my crappy job back
at crappy Channel 84.
490
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,102
And it's crappy.
491
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,893
Well, that's something.
492
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:43,061
Gainful employment and whatnot.
493
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:45,651
Listen, I know it feels
like your dreams
494
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:48,772
have been crushed forever,
but maybe that's okay.
495
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,320
A smaller market
with less temptation
496
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,865
and fewer opportunities
might be just what you need.
497
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,705
You're right.
498
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,200
A small market
is where I'll shine.
499
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,076
I'll catch the eye
of another big station
500
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,170
by annihilating my competition.
501
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,209
Oh, Miguel has
plenty of skeletons.
502
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,923
I'll systematically destroy him,
503
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,168
and then anyone else
who gets in my way.
504
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,714
Houston is mine!
505
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,635
DALE:
Nancy, where are you?
506
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,804
I can't reach the fire
extinguisher and I need it!
507
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,890
And I need new toast!
508
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,762
(sighs):
Oh, forget it.
509
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,514
I'm too tired for Houston.
510
00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:25,061
Coming, Dale!
511
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,148
That's it.
512
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,862
It's Dale.
Huh?
513
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,570
Dale and all his nonsense
keeps Nancy so busy,
514
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,785
she doesn't have
the time or energy
515
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,699
to be like she was in Dallas.
516
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:41,871
So Nancy needs Dale
more than Dale needs Nancy.
517
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,868
Huh. Weird.
518
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,423
That was a close one, huh?
519
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,089
(grumbles) It sure is
great that you're home,
520
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,963
and not just for
fire-retardant purposes.
521
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,384
I missed you.
522
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,890
Channel 84 must be happy
to have you back, too.
523
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,888
It's quite an honor for
them to have a big-time
524
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,856
Dallas reporter behind
their anchor desk.
525
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,312
You're going to be all over
526
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:08,901
that one billboard they have.
527
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:11,271
(giggles)
I guess you're right.
528
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,489
DALE: Sorry the house
smells like walrus.
529
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,200
NANCY:
Me, too, sug.
530
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,528
WADE BIXBY:
I'm... Wade... Bixby!
531
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:07,500
Ripped By mstoll
532
00:22:07,550 --> 00:22:12,100
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