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1
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,353
[SNORING]
2
00:00:41,483 --> 00:00:42,568
[CLEARS THROAT]
3
00:00:42,693 --> 00:00:45,571
Everybody, I have a listing!
4
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,406
[GASPING AND MURMURING]
5
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,825
Now, since the market
is as tight
6
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,452
as an Englishman's
cricket shoes,
7
00:00:51,577 --> 00:00:53,495
it's only fair
this assignment go
8
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,373
to the employee
I feel is most deserving.
9
00:00:58,417 --> 00:00:59,626
Me.
10
00:01:00,878 --> 00:01:02,421
Oh, and for the rest of you,
11
00:01:02,588 --> 00:01:04,131
if you're lucky enough
to get a listing,
12
00:01:04,256 --> 00:01:06,258
well, you'll now get two weeks
to sell it.
13
00:01:06,341 --> 00:01:08,844
And if you don't, it goes back
to my top salesperson.
14
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,805
Still me.
15
00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:17,936
[RINGING]
16
00:01:21,106 --> 00:01:22,232
Sizemore Realty.
17
00:01:22,357 --> 00:01:24,985
This is Peggy Hill speaking,
but you can call me...
18
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,904
your realtor.
19
00:01:30,866 --> 00:01:33,494
Mashed potatoes
and french fries?
20
00:01:33,577 --> 00:01:36,788
If it's bad news, Mom,
just let me have it.
21
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,874
Let the starches flow
like water,
22
00:01:38,957 --> 00:01:40,083
I have a listing!
23
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:41,793
- Way to go!
- Yay, Aunt Peggy!
24
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,212
Well, all right, Peggy.
25
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,546
That's a pretty big deal
26
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,548
considering the rough
housing market.
27
00:01:46,757 --> 00:01:49,593
Yes, yes, it is, but I only have
two weeks to sell the house,
28
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,387
or I will lose the listing
and maybe my job.
29
00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:53,764
- [GASPS]
- No, no,
30
00:01:53,931 --> 00:01:55,516
you enjoy those fries, Bobby,
31
00:01:55,599 --> 00:01:58,477
because I plan on staging
the heck out of this house.
32
00:01:58,644 --> 00:02:00,020
What's staging?
33
00:02:00,229 --> 00:02:01,647
It's like a home makeover.
34
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,941
I fill the house
with flowers, candles
35
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:06,693
and nice furniture so people
won't have a chance
36
00:02:06,777 --> 00:02:09,613
to imagine how bad it's going
to look with their crap in it.
37
00:02:09,821 --> 00:02:12,157
I know what'll attract
a big crowd.
38
00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:13,825
You can put in a Gap.
39
00:02:13,951 --> 00:02:15,494
People love the Gap.
40
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,461
"The last hose you'll ever buy."
41
00:02:24,586 --> 00:02:26,588
I've had to buy it three times.
42
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,840
And I'm buying it again.
43
00:02:28,924 --> 00:02:30,509
This is gonna be the one!
44
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,886
Oh, God, look who's here.
45
00:02:33,011 --> 00:02:35,055
That home inspector,
Bud Ferguson.
46
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:36,723
Where? Where is he?
47
00:02:40,602 --> 00:02:42,145
Bud Ferguson.
48
00:02:42,271 --> 00:02:45,148
Pushing a shopping cart
like a mere mortal.
49
00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:47,693
That jerk killed two
of our sales last month
50
00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:50,737
because the houses had
"structural problems."
51
00:02:50,862 --> 00:02:52,864
Like every house
doesn't have those.
52
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,908
It's Ferguson's job to be tough,
53
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:56,577
and he's damn good at it.
54
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,954
Did you know he discovered
faulty wiring
55
00:02:59,037 --> 00:03:02,583
at Bo Shute's house through
three layers of drywall?
56
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:03,917
Of course we do.
57
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:05,544
You fail a Ferguson inspection,
58
00:03:05,669 --> 00:03:07,379
everyone in Arlen knows.
59
00:03:07,546 --> 00:03:11,258
Poor Shute was so humiliated,
he had to move to a Dakota.
60
00:03:11,383 --> 00:03:13,719
His unsellable house
still sits empty.
61
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:16,179
Sad for him, sad for the house.
62
00:03:25,981 --> 00:03:29,359
I will sell this house
by 1:00 p.m.
63
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,041
Mmm!
64
00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:50,380
[GRUNTING]
65
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,384
Your open house
starts in an hour,
66
00:03:54,551 --> 00:03:56,470
so what do you say
you jump in the car
67
00:03:56,595 --> 00:03:58,764
and go for a little spin
around the state?
68
00:03:59,056 --> 00:04:00,098
[TURNS OFF TV]
69
00:04:00,223 --> 00:04:03,143
Even if I's physically capable
of gettin' into an automobile,
70
00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:06,355
I ain't goin' nowhere
with outsiders in the house.
71
00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:08,231
They'll steal our stuffs.
72
00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:09,900
[SIGHS]
73
00:04:11,902 --> 00:04:14,279
The open house was a disaster.
74
00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:17,824
That woman, she kept kissing
her ferret on the mouth.
75
00:04:17,949 --> 00:04:19,660
I don't know
who I felt worse for.
76
00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:23,497
Ugh, ugly people
sure do ruin a lot.
77
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,290
They've done studies
with newborns,
78
00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:26,750
and if given the choice,
79
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,669
babies would rather go
to pretty strangers
80
00:04:28,794 --> 00:04:30,337
than their own ugly parents.
81
00:04:30,545 --> 00:04:33,465
Well, obviously, babies are
not as stupid as they look.
82
00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:34,716
That's it,
83
00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:36,301
Nancy, that's what I need.
84
00:04:36,385 --> 00:04:37,552
Beautiful people.
85
00:04:37,719 --> 00:04:40,263
If I populate the open house
with beautiful people,
86
00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,307
no one will notice
the ugly ones.
87
00:04:43,475 --> 00:04:45,894
And who are the best-looking
people in town?
88
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,480
Well, librarians after
they take off their glasses
89
00:04:48,563 --> 00:04:49,773
and actors.
90
00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,734
I will go with the actors.
91
00:04:59,491 --> 00:05:03,662
Welcome cast members of the
142 Taylor Avenue open house.
92
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,039
Right now, you are
a random assortment
93
00:05:06,164 --> 00:05:07,791
of very good-looking actors.
94
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,211
But by next weekend's
open house,
95
00:05:11,336 --> 00:05:13,171
you will be a family.
96
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,674
Sounds great,
I hate my real family.
97
00:05:16,425 --> 00:05:19,094
So, Madame Director, what
do you want us to do?
98
00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:21,680
Well, huh, um,
99
00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:23,098
why don't you act?
100
00:05:23,348 --> 00:05:26,351
If you want us to act,
we need a script.
101
00:05:26,476 --> 00:05:29,312
We're not improv people.
102
00:05:29,521 --> 00:05:31,690
A script... right, Melrose.
103
00:05:31,815 --> 00:05:33,817
Which means I get to write one!
104
00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:36,528
I will write about
how wonderful the house is,
105
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:40,365
people will fall in love
with it, and bingo, it's sold!
106
00:05:40,449 --> 00:05:42,325
I'm just gonna have to dig deep
107
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,828
into my tortured soul
to write this thing.
108
00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:46,496
I will call my mother.
109
00:05:46,621 --> 00:05:49,458
Frank, why don't you
warm up the actors.
110
00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:53,044
All right, everybody,
let's warm up.
111
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,714
[SIGHS]
33 minutes to cut a lawn.
112
00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,716
That's a personal best.
113
00:05:57,841 --> 00:05:59,676
ACTORS:
Unique New York!
114
00:05:59,801 --> 00:06:01,303
Unique New York!
115
00:06:01,470 --> 00:06:03,054
- What the...
- Unique New York!
116
00:06:03,221 --> 00:06:06,266
Unique New York!
Unique New York!
117
00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:08,643
Hey, Dad, check it out!
118
00:06:08,894 --> 00:06:10,812
- Unique New York...
- I'm an actor.
119
00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:13,023
[EXCLAIMS]
120
00:06:17,652 --> 00:06:20,864
[ACTORS CHANTING]
121
00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:22,491
Peggy, this is crazy.
122
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,535
Using actors to sell
houses is a dumb idea.
123
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,579
Hank, my job is on the line.
124
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,456
I have to sell that freak house.
125
00:06:29,581 --> 00:06:31,291
And I have one week
to write a script
126
00:06:31,416 --> 00:06:33,710
and get it up on its feet
before the open house.
127
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,962
These actors are my only hope.
128
00:06:36,171 --> 00:06:37,839
But, Peggy, the boy.
129
00:06:38,048 --> 00:06:39,216
He's swaying.
130
00:06:39,382 --> 00:06:40,634
Hank, if God forbid
131
00:06:40,717 --> 00:06:42,302
you were desperate
to keep your job
132
00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:45,096
and had to peddle propane
in our living room,
133
00:06:45,222 --> 00:06:46,973
I would not object.
134
00:06:47,224 --> 00:06:48,517
[SIGHS]
135
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,018
All right, fine.
136
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:54,356
But please don't ever compare
acting to propane again.
137
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:57,359
Connections.
138
00:06:57,567 --> 00:07:00,070
This play is
about how this house
139
00:07:00,195 --> 00:07:02,614
has affected people's lives.
140
00:07:02,781 --> 00:07:04,366
Now, let's do the scene
141
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:08,078
between Luanne, her husband
and emotionally distant father,
142
00:07:08,286 --> 00:07:09,746
and how they connect
143
00:07:09,871 --> 00:07:12,457
in this mid-century kitchen
with modern upgrades.
144
00:07:12,624 --> 00:07:14,876
I know this is way uncool,
145
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,920
but can we do my scenes first?
146
00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:19,256
I've got a mattress commercial
this afternoon.
147
00:07:19,464 --> 00:07:20,882
Oh, you got that?
148
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:22,676
Good, good.
149
00:07:22,884 --> 00:07:24,928
Okay, everybody,
let's do the scene
150
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,514
in the walk-in closet
slash third bedroom.
151
00:07:27,639 --> 00:07:30,308
- Okay, in this scene, Frank...
- Peggy,
152
00:07:30,559 --> 00:07:32,853
I know "writer's word is gold,"
153
00:07:32,978 --> 00:07:34,938
but do I have to say this?
154
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,357
"French doors"?
155
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,610
Doors is fine,
it's the other word.
156
00:07:40,777 --> 00:07:43,613
Okay, I do not know what
the French did to you,
157
00:07:43,738 --> 00:07:45,323
but I will work around them.
158
00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:49,119
Fine.
159
00:07:49,244 --> 00:07:50,537
Kitchen scene. Hustle!
160
00:07:52,581 --> 00:07:54,541
Oh, God.
161
00:07:54,666 --> 00:07:55,834
Stay where you are, Hank.
162
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,252
The actors have to get used
163
00:07:57,335 --> 00:07:58,962
to working around
the freaky people.
164
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:02,299
Everybody, pretend Hank
is a scary old man
165
00:08:02,424 --> 00:08:04,509
with an oxygen tank.
166
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:08,763
[EXCLAIMING]
167
00:08:10,348 --> 00:08:11,474
[CLEARS THROAT]
168
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,144
Girls, I've got good news
and bad news.
169
00:08:14,311 --> 00:08:15,729
I'll start with the bad.
170
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,147
Your mother is dead.
171
00:08:17,314 --> 00:08:19,065
- Oh, no!
- Mother!
172
00:08:19,274 --> 00:08:20,442
But the good news is that
173
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,611
her memory will live on
in this house.
174
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:26,239
Its sturdy frame just like hers,
and large bay windows --
175
00:08:26,364 --> 00:08:30,702
like your mother's big blue eyes
that will never open again.
176
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:31,995
[SOBBING]
177
00:08:32,162 --> 00:08:33,830
- Mother!
- [CRYING]
178
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:41,254
Dang it, Dale, I told you
the bed is off-limits.
179
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:44,674
"Don't sit on my bed,
don't try on my belts."
180
00:08:44,799 --> 00:08:47,052
You sure have a lot of rules,
King "Don't."
181
00:08:47,177 --> 00:08:48,345
Knock it off, Dale.
182
00:08:48,511 --> 00:08:49,763
I've got enough problems
183
00:08:49,846 --> 00:08:52,057
with these actors crawling
all over my house,
184
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,892
eating imaginary bananas
185
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:56,394
when real ones are sitting
right there in a bowl.
186
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:59,064
I don't know what I'd do if
I had actors in my house.
187
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:01,900
We'd probably play charades
late into the night,
188
00:09:01,983 --> 00:09:05,654
then get drunk on sangria
and practice our Oscar speeches.
189
00:09:05,862 --> 00:09:07,280
I could rid you
190
00:09:07,405 --> 00:09:10,492
of your "extremely
attractive pests," Hank.
191
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,077
I won't say when,
192
00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,537
I will say scorpions.
193
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:17,832
I'm not sure
194
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,919
if it's the high ceilings
or the recessed lighting,
195
00:09:21,002 --> 00:09:22,629
but this room makes me...
196
00:09:22,754 --> 00:09:24,881
It's a miracle, my love.
197
00:09:25,048 --> 00:09:26,424
Cut!
198
00:09:26,675 --> 00:09:29,260
Luanne, you entered
too early again.
199
00:09:29,344 --> 00:09:31,805
Bobby says,
"Makes me wanna dance,"
200
00:09:31,888 --> 00:09:34,349
he dances, then you rush in.
201
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,809
Come on, people,
202
00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:37,852
we have got one week
to get this right,
203
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,521
or I will lose my job.
204
00:09:40,772 --> 00:09:42,148
Action.
205
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,693
It's a miracle, my love!
206
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:48,071
After 15 years, we are pregnant.
207
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:50,740
And I know exactly
who's responsible.
208
00:09:50,865 --> 00:09:52,450
This house.
209
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:54,411
[SLOW, DELIBERATE CLAPPING]
210
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,872
Chris, what are you doing here,
211
00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,916
interrupting my knitting group?
212
00:10:00,125 --> 00:10:01,793
I know what you're doing here.
213
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,421
Using actors to sell houses.
214
00:10:06,589 --> 00:10:07,799
Brilliant.
215
00:10:07,924 --> 00:10:09,592
You're making real estate
history, Peggy,
216
00:10:09,718 --> 00:10:11,386
and I want to be a part of it.
217
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:15,140
More specifically,
I want a part in it.
218
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,683
He's not even hot.
219
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:19,019
Well, it wouldn't be fair
to just throw you in.
220
00:10:19,144 --> 00:10:22,105
See, these are
professional actors.
221
00:10:22,731 --> 00:10:24,607
All love the womb
222
00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:27,027
that their first being bred,
223
00:10:27,152 --> 00:10:29,362
then give my tongue
224
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:33,074
like leave to love my head.
225
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,411
Well, you're my boss.
226
00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:40,582
Another guy, great.
227
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:42,459
There goes my chimney monologue.
228
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:45,962
Fine, I'll rewrite
the freaking thing!
229
00:10:52,469 --> 00:10:54,971
[SIGHS]
You guys are still up?
230
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,598
It's 11:30.
231
00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:59,893
Dad, Mom's been typing
for six hours straight,
232
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:04,189
except for that 15 minutes
when she just started crying.
233
00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:07,901
Hank, it is impossible
to please all my actors,
234
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:11,780
but... I... just... did!
235
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,907
Oh! Forgot to save.
236
00:11:19,037 --> 00:11:21,081
I was hoping you'd
take the house back
237
00:11:21,206 --> 00:11:23,500
and maybe your old dad, too.
238
00:11:23,625 --> 00:11:25,668
MELROSE:
I missed you so much, Dad.
239
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:26,878
Hug me.
240
00:11:28,004 --> 00:11:29,631
Where is Melrose?
241
00:11:31,382 --> 00:11:32,967
I'm calling from the set.
242
00:11:33,176 --> 00:11:34,594
On the phone?
243
00:11:34,719 --> 00:11:37,097
Wait. Okay, I can handle this.
244
00:11:37,222 --> 00:11:39,182
You are on the phone because...
245
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,101
you're away at school.
246
00:11:41,226 --> 00:11:43,686
Melrose is away at college,
247
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:46,064
and is calling
because she misses her family.
248
00:11:46,231 --> 00:11:47,690
No, her home!
249
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,150
Frank, go with it.
250
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,946
Um, I know you're trying
to break the cycle,
251
00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:55,782
being the first one in
the family to graduate college,
252
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:57,325
but we miss you.
253
00:11:57,408 --> 00:12:00,954
And more importantly,
the house misses you.
254
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:08,503
Did everyone feel that?
255
00:12:08,586 --> 00:12:11,131
It was real, and it was good.
256
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,299
MELROSE: I could
even feel it here, Frank.
257
00:12:15,218 --> 00:12:16,553
Oh, my goodness!
258
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:18,763
Well, we might actually
pull this off!
259
00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:20,014
At this rate,
260
00:12:20,098 --> 00:12:22,350
tomorrow's dress rehearsal
is gonna be fantastic!
261
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:24,519
Now, everybody remember
to bring friends
262
00:12:24,602 --> 00:12:26,479
so it feels like
a real open house.
263
00:12:26,688 --> 00:12:28,189
I love the theater.
264
00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:29,941
It's in me now!
265
00:12:30,942 --> 00:12:32,944
[WHISPERING]:
Spencer, the talk.
266
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:36,239
Bobby, did you know
I'm 35 years old,
267
00:12:36,406 --> 00:12:37,949
and I spend my weekends
268
00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:40,493
in a sandwich costume
just to make rent?
269
00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:51,421
[PLAYS NOTES]
270
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:59,888
This is the story of a family.
271
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,390
But it's not about
the people in the family.
272
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,600
Nay!
273
00:13:03,725 --> 00:13:06,019
It's a story about
what keeps them together.
274
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:09,981
This is the story of a house.
275
00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:11,816
Good Lord.
276
00:13:13,568 --> 00:13:16,237
They told me
you died in the war!
277
00:13:16,446 --> 00:13:17,530
I did.
278
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:20,783
I saw the white light,
God, the whole nine.
279
00:13:20,909 --> 00:13:23,870
But while there, I couldn't
stop thinking about home,
280
00:13:23,995 --> 00:13:25,872
so I couldn't stay dead.
281
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:28,124
You can start the party.
282
00:13:28,249 --> 00:13:30,335
Cousin Joey has arrived.
283
00:13:30,585 --> 00:13:33,588
I didn't knock,
because I never do.
284
00:13:33,796 --> 00:13:35,423
[LAUGHING]
285
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,886
...which is why
doctors will never tell you
286
00:13:40,011 --> 00:13:43,389
that homesick
is the worst kind of sick.
287
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:47,060
And one day,
I will honor this house
288
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:51,856
by becoming the man
she always knew I could be.
289
00:13:54,108 --> 00:13:55,985
[APPLAUSE]
290
00:14:04,661 --> 00:14:06,996
Brava, Peggy, Brava.
291
00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,415
Again, this play idea -- genius.
292
00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:11,334
I, however, have
surpassed that genius
293
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,336
and gone on to create
a new level of genius
294
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,713
by inviting a client
to the show.
295
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,757
Oh, good. You are
my target audience.
296
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,509
Come on, how much
did you love it?
297
00:14:19,676 --> 00:14:20,635
It was great.
298
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,429
So great, I made
an offer on the house.
299
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,598
I don't understand.
300
00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:28,142
I sold you a house
that you've never even seen?
301
00:14:28,351 --> 00:14:30,019
No, Peggy, that would
make you a witch.
302
00:14:30,186 --> 00:14:31,813
He made an offer on this house.
303
00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:32,897
What?!
304
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:34,232
But this is my house.
305
00:14:34,357 --> 00:14:35,566
It's not for sale.
306
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,610
Even at 25K over asking price?
307
00:14:37,735 --> 00:14:39,696
With a full cash deposit?
308
00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,406
Sold!
309
00:14:48,997 --> 00:14:50,581
HANK:
I can't believe
310
00:14:50,665 --> 00:14:51,916
you sold our house!
311
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,502
I know! And for
a very good price --
312
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:57,630
25K over asking
in a down market.
313
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,299
Would you open it, Dad?
314
00:14:59,382 --> 00:15:01,509
You know, autographs.
315
00:15:01,718 --> 00:15:03,678
Has this family gone insane?!
316
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:04,804
That's it.
317
00:15:04,887 --> 00:15:06,723
Bobby, open your own dang soda.
318
00:15:06,848 --> 00:15:08,141
Peggy, we're not moving.
319
00:15:08,224 --> 00:15:09,475
End of story.
320
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,064
I am sorry, Hank.
321
00:15:15,189 --> 00:15:17,150
When I sold our house,
I was drunk
322
00:15:17,275 --> 00:15:19,444
on the powerful elixir
that is fame.
323
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,321
But we cannot back out
of this sale.
324
00:15:21,404 --> 00:15:23,865
It will destroy my reputation,
which after tonight,
325
00:15:24,032 --> 00:15:25,950
is off the freakin' charts.
326
00:15:26,117 --> 00:15:27,535
Well, that's just too bad.
327
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,620
I'm not selling this house,
Peggy.
328
00:15:29,787 --> 00:15:32,874
But, Hank, there would be
a huge penalty if we backed out.
329
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,917
It could be $10,000.
330
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,753
I'm not paying anything.
331
00:15:36,878 --> 00:15:38,463
You have to get us out of this.
332
00:15:38,588 --> 00:15:39,964
End of discussion.
333
00:15:40,465 --> 00:15:44,177
Okay, Hank, I will find a way
to keep our house.
334
00:15:45,219 --> 00:15:48,806
Actors got us into this,
actors will get us out.
335
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,436
I do appreciate you letting me
see the place during the day.
336
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:54,937
Psst, yo.
337
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:57,315
Your loan payment's
L to the ate.
338
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,359
If you don't cough up
the scrilla,
339
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:02,528
you'll have to answer
to the Jets.
340
00:16:05,782 --> 00:16:06,783
[TAPPING AT DOOR]
341
00:16:06,964 --> 00:16:08,466
Hey, I just moved in
down the block,
342
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,952
and I'm required by law
343
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:12,705
to tell everybody
I'm a sex offender.
344
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,333
Ugh! Good Lord!
345
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,959
[SIGHS]
Just ignore them.
346
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:18,503
They're actors.
347
00:16:18,669 --> 00:16:20,546
Sir, I'm gonna level with you.
348
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:22,298
This is all a big mistake.
349
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:24,092
Our home is not for sale.
350
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,344
I have no interest
in selling the house
351
00:16:26,427 --> 00:16:28,596
where I raised my boy
and my dog.
352
00:16:29,263 --> 00:16:32,975
See, now, this is exactly
the kind of life I want.
353
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:35,853
No, this is my life,
and you can't have it!
354
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:38,314
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
355
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,941
Kill the train, Bobby!
356
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:42,026
[TRAIN WHISTLE STOPS]
357
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:46,239
I'm gonna get some sleep,
358
00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:48,574
unless you plan
on selling the bed.
359
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,118
You will regret that dig,
360
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,828
because I have figured out a way
361
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,329
to get out of the sale
362
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,207
and protect my reputation
as Super Realtor.
363
00:16:56,332 --> 00:17:00,128
All we have to do is
not pass the inspection.
364
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,256
There's no way this house
will fail an inspection.
365
00:17:03,464 --> 00:17:07,301
Sure it can, if we stage it
to make it look damaged.
366
00:17:07,468 --> 00:17:08,719
And our inspector
367
00:17:08,886 --> 00:17:11,013
is Ferguson,
so it will be easy to fail.
368
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:12,098
Ferguson?!
369
00:17:12,223 --> 00:17:14,016
Your reputation
can take the hit,
370
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,810
because there's no got-dang way
371
00:17:15,893 --> 00:17:17,311
I'm looking like a fool
372
00:17:17,395 --> 00:17:18,938
in front of
the greatest inspector
373
00:17:19,063 --> 00:17:20,606
of our generation.
374
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,525
Hank, there isn't any other way.
375
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:24,235
We can't afford the penalty.
376
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:26,696
[SIGHS]
377
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,782
Master Craftsman
378
00:17:29,866 --> 00:17:31,868
versus Master Inspector.
379
00:17:31,993 --> 00:17:33,870
I wonder if you'll
fight to the death.
380
00:17:34,078 --> 00:17:37,623
So, we're definitely not gonna
be friends with Ferguson?
381
00:17:37,748 --> 00:17:39,834
Maybe we can be frenemies.
382
00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:42,044
A love-hate relationship's
the next best thing.
383
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,546
I'm sorry, Bill.
384
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,715
We're not gonna be anything
with Ferguson
385
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,675
after I fail his inspection.
386
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:49,844
And everyone
in Arlen hears about it.
387
00:17:50,052 --> 00:17:52,763
Problem remains,
how will you fail?
388
00:17:52,847 --> 00:17:54,807
Your house is perfection.
389
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,267
Well, you got me.
390
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:58,186
I've taken such good care
of my home,
391
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,521
I don't even know
what a bad one looks like.
392
00:18:05,026 --> 00:18:06,319
This beam's rotting,
393
00:18:06,402 --> 00:18:08,529
and-and over there,
you've got your termite damage.
394
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,198
And look what I can do!
395
00:18:10,448 --> 00:18:12,033
- [CLICKING]
- [WHIRRING]
396
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:13,659
- [CLICKING]
- [WHIRRING]
397
00:18:13,743 --> 00:18:15,036
How is that even possible?
398
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,871
That's nothing compared to this.
399
00:18:19,624 --> 00:18:21,417
HANK: Put some
brown around the edges
400
00:18:21,542 --> 00:18:24,670
so it looks like it's progressed
to Phase II, and Bobby,
401
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,672
when your mom's done
with the ladder,
402
00:18:26,797 --> 00:18:29,133
replace our air filter with, uh,
403
00:18:29,258 --> 00:18:31,344
Mr. Dauterive's.
404
00:18:31,552 --> 00:18:34,138
Dad, if it makes
you feel better,
405
00:18:34,222 --> 00:18:36,390
I don't want to be
an actor anymore.
406
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:39,143
Thank you, son.
407
00:18:52,448 --> 00:18:53,616
Ugh!
408
00:18:53,783 --> 00:18:55,201
Look at this place.
409
00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:57,787
My whole life has been a lie.
410
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,413
I'm sorry, Hank.
411
00:18:59,497 --> 00:19:01,123
I just got carried away.
412
00:19:01,582 --> 00:19:03,543
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
413
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,462
[GROANS]
414
00:19:06,587 --> 00:19:08,130
I'm gonna vomit.
415
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:09,590
Be strong, Hank.
416
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,718
Remember, this is the only
way to save our house.
417
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,136
But if you need to,
418
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:17,306
we could use an extra
carpet stain in Bobby's room.
419
00:19:17,515 --> 00:19:18,933
[KNOCKING]
420
00:19:20,017 --> 00:19:21,769
Doorbell doesn't work.
421
00:19:21,978 --> 00:19:24,230
I's not dangerous,
but it is a violation.
422
00:19:35,032 --> 00:19:37,618
With all the home improvement
shows these days,
423
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,871
you'd think maintenance wouldn't
be such an alien concept.
424
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:50,423
[CLICKING]
425
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,466
[WHIRRING]
426
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,012
[CLICKING]
427
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:57,263
[WHIRRING STOPS]
428
00:20:00,725 --> 00:20:02,727
Oh. This is
really horrible.
429
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,688
I feel like your boxing manager,
and you've been beat up,
430
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:08,816
and I have to cut your eye
with a razor so you can see.
431
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:17,450
If I were a joking man,
I'd say, "Here's the damage."
432
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:18,659
But I'm not.
433
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,620
I'm gonna have
to fail this house.
434
00:20:20,745 --> 00:20:23,998
It'd take a skilled craftsman
a thousand man hours to fix it.
435
00:20:24,248 --> 00:20:25,416
A thousand man hours?
436
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,001
That's, that's a lot of money.
437
00:20:27,209 --> 00:20:29,795
Sorry, folks.
I'm out.
438
00:20:30,087 --> 00:20:33,424
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
439
00:20:33,507 --> 00:20:35,509
Care to read my
report, Mr. Hill?
440
00:20:35,718 --> 00:20:39,555
No, I'll wait and read it
with everyone else in town.
441
00:20:39,764 --> 00:20:41,390
I'm thinking the
master craftsman
442
00:20:41,515 --> 00:20:43,100
who destroyed this house
443
00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:45,853
should have no
problem repairing it.
444
00:20:46,687 --> 00:20:50,483
Uh, you're talking
over my head here, sir.
445
00:20:50,608 --> 00:20:53,110
I'm... I'm just a...
446
00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:55,196
a bad homeowner.
447
00:20:55,363 --> 00:20:58,282
Mr. Hill, only someone
with incredible skills
448
00:20:58,407 --> 00:21:00,493
could make such
a well-maintained home
449
00:21:00,618 --> 00:21:02,161
appear so damaged.
450
00:21:02,328 --> 00:21:03,537
I'm impressed.
451
00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:09,835
[SCRATCHING]
452
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,213
BOBBY:
This is a house of healing.
453
00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:16,759
Uncle Jeb, you don't need that
oxygen tank to breathe in here.
454
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:18,844
[MAN WHEEZING]
455
00:21:18,928 --> 00:21:21,514
PEGGY: Yes, he does. Bobby,
put his mask back on.
456
00:21:54,839 --> 00:21:57,383
PEGGY: Well. obviously, babies
are not as stupid as they look.
457
00:21:57,433 --> 00:22:01,983
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