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1
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,934
HANK [SIGHS]:
It's not an "endless salad bar"
2
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,311
if they bring you
the entree right away.
3
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,730
I mean, you have the right
to more salad,
4
00:00:38,856 --> 00:00:40,315
but once you've got your meat,
5
00:00:40,399 --> 00:00:42,359
you're not going back,
and they know it.
6
00:00:42,484 --> 00:00:44,278
Message!
7
00:00:44,361 --> 00:00:45,821
Maybe it's that guy
8
00:00:45,904 --> 00:00:48,198
trying to call his
parole officer again.
9
00:00:48,407 --> 00:00:51,618
Or it could be that SUV's owner
thanking me for the note
10
00:00:51,743 --> 00:00:53,787
suggesting they learn
to park better.
11
00:00:53,996 --> 00:00:58,292
And the mystery caller is...
12
00:00:58,417 --> 00:01:00,502
Just play the dang message.
13
00:01:00,711 --> 00:01:02,629
COTTON: Of course
you're not there!
14
00:01:02,838 --> 00:01:03,922
[DISGUSTED GROAN]
Oh, Cotton.
15
00:01:04,006 --> 00:01:05,340
But you better be tomorrow,
16
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,801
'cause I'm finally getting rid
of my vehicle.
17
00:01:07,926 --> 00:01:11,722
I'll arrive at 1200 hours to
turn over the keys. That is all.
18
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:13,098
I'll be darned.
19
00:01:13,265 --> 00:01:15,100
Dad's finally letting
go of his Cadillac.
20
00:01:15,225 --> 00:01:16,768
That cars taken me
21
00:01:16,894 --> 00:01:19,271
to some of the greatest
events of my childhood.
22
00:01:19,438 --> 00:01:22,024
Football games, baseball games,
23
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,234
basketball games.
24
00:01:24,443 --> 00:01:26,445
It's been like
a member of the family.
25
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,447
Except that Cotton loved it.
26
00:01:28,906 --> 00:01:30,157
Huh.
27
00:01:30,282 --> 00:01:31,909
Yeah.
28
00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:36,330
Yep, my dad should be here
with the car any minute now.
29
00:01:36,455 --> 00:01:39,458
I still remember the day
he brought that car home.
30
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,418
It was on my birthday.
31
00:01:41,543 --> 00:01:45,214
After that it became known
as the cars birthday.
32
00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:48,342
Now we'll finally be able
to celebrate together.
33
00:01:48,550 --> 00:01:50,302
Remember how we'd ride back
from Boy Scouts
34
00:01:50,427 --> 00:01:51,762
and I'd talk too much,
35
00:01:51,887 --> 00:01:53,680
and Cotton would throw me
in the trunk?
36
00:01:53,764 --> 00:01:56,225
It was like a crazy
roller coaster back there,
37
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,393
bouncing around
with all those guns.
38
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,021
Yeah, man, talkin' about
them old good times, man.
39
00:02:01,146 --> 00:02:02,731
[CAR HORN PLAYS "LA CUCARACHA"]
40
00:02:02,814 --> 00:02:03,857
Here it comes!
41
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:08,570
[CAR HORN PLAYS "LA CUCARACHA"]
42
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,906
It's in perfect tune.
43
00:02:12,449 --> 00:02:14,201
Good noon, colonel!
44
00:02:14,326 --> 00:02:16,036
Yeah, Dad, thanks for coming.
45
00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:19,873
I appreciate the chance to buy
a piece of our family history.
46
00:02:19,998 --> 00:02:23,502
Buy it? The only thing you get
is the chance to wash it.
47
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,087
Do a good job for once.
48
00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:26,630
I don't want your cousin Dusty
49
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,507
finding any dog dirt
on the pedals.
50
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:31,218
Dusty? Well, what's
he got to do with it?
51
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:34,346
He called and made me an offer,
right out of the blue.
52
00:02:34,513 --> 00:02:35,722
You're selling it to him?
53
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,683
Nah. I'm giving it to him.
54
00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:40,644
I couldn't take money
from my brothers boy.
55
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:43,313
Dusty's always been
like a son to me.
56
00:02:43,522 --> 00:02:44,565
I'm your son!
57
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,275
I suppose.
58
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,818
But Dusty's already got
59
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,987
more cars than he knows
what to do with.
60
00:02:50,112 --> 00:02:52,781
He sure as heck doesn't
deserve this one.
61
00:02:52,948 --> 00:02:56,118
You can keep the bucket,
but give these to Dusty.
62
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:06,128
And that's how I get
to the grocery store.
63
00:03:06,336 --> 00:03:08,755
No. I swear to you
Hank isn't here.
64
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,424
Now, as I was saying...
65
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,301
Oh, Hank just walked in.
66
00:03:12,384 --> 00:03:13,510
It's Dusty.
67
00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:16,096
My mistake.
68
00:03:16,179 --> 00:03:18,140
It was just a bird
caught in the curtains.
69
00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:19,600
Okay, bye.
70
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,059
What did he want?
71
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:24,229
Dusty is coming in from Houston
tomorrow to pick up the car.
72
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:25,606
[GROANS]
Oh, great.
73
00:03:25,731 --> 00:03:28,567
While he's here, he can take
some other things I care about.
74
00:03:28,650 --> 00:03:30,777
It was nice being married
to you, Peggy.
75
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,154
Come on, Hank.
76
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,780
So you and Dusty
don't get along.
77
00:03:33,905 --> 00:03:36,742
That makes this a great
opportunity to patch things up.
78
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,243
Patch things up?
79
00:03:38,327 --> 00:03:39,911
Don't you remember our wedding?
80
00:03:39,995 --> 00:03:42,956
How he and his buddies
got up on stage with the band?
81
00:03:43,081 --> 00:03:44,791
"Just one song, Hank."
82
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,294
Which is all he played...
One song.
83
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:52,007
Yeah, "Radar Love," with
a got dang 20-minute bass solo.
84
00:03:52,716 --> 00:03:56,637
[SIGHS] I'd better go tell
Bobby the truth about Dusty.
85
00:03:56,762 --> 00:03:59,681
It was crazy for me to think
he'd never find out.
86
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,435
HANK [SIGHS]:
Uh, son,
87
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,687
every family has its secrets.
88
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,105
Now...
89
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,149
I'm gonna play this tape,
90
00:04:09,316 --> 00:04:11,902
and you're gonna see
some things that, uh...
91
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,196
[GROANS]
This is harder than I thought.
92
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,531
Just watch, if you can.
93
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,950
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
94
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,371
[HANK SIGHS]
95
00:04:22,537 --> 00:04:23,872
You see, Bobby,
96
00:04:24,039 --> 00:04:25,874
I have a cousin named Dusty.
97
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,668
He's the one with the beard.
98
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,544
The-- The one on the left.
99
00:04:29,753 --> 00:04:32,089
We're related to ZZ Top?!
100
00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:33,882
Not so loud, son.
101
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:38,512
See, rock stars have different
morals and values and...
102
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,472
Stop that!
103
00:04:40,722 --> 00:04:43,767
[TURNS OFF MUSIC] Now, Dusty's
coming by the house tomorrow.
104
00:04:43,975 --> 00:04:46,186
Do not ask him what time it is.
105
00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:48,939
He always says,
"It's time to rock."
106
00:04:50,941 --> 00:04:53,485
I bet the first thing Dusty does
with this car
107
00:04:53,652 --> 00:04:56,988
is put flames on the front of it
like he did with his go-cart.
108
00:04:57,155 --> 00:04:59,157
Yeah, like that made it
go faster.
109
00:04:59,324 --> 00:05:00,617
Wait, it didn't?
110
00:05:00,826 --> 00:05:03,286
Dusty's always been about flash.
111
00:05:03,412 --> 00:05:05,747
Have you ever looked at
our high school yearbook?
112
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,374
Many, many times.
113
00:05:07,582 --> 00:05:11,712
He and his idiot friends snuck
into every activities picture.
114
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,505
Remember how they
tricked you into thinking
115
00:05:13,588 --> 00:05:15,382
that Tom Landry died.
116
00:05:15,590 --> 00:05:18,468
Yeah, and then when he finally
did die, I didn't believe it,
117
00:05:18,593 --> 00:05:20,220
and I went to work anyway.
118
00:05:20,345 --> 00:05:22,222
I'm still mortified.
119
00:05:22,347 --> 00:05:25,851
They were always pulling
those practical jokes on me.
120
00:05:31,982 --> 00:05:34,192
[ALL LAUGHING]
121
00:05:34,985 --> 00:05:37,487
So-- So I'm getting
a propane award, huh?
122
00:05:37,696 --> 00:05:39,156
Wow, this is such an honor.
123
00:05:39,364 --> 00:05:41,241
I-- Is Commissioner
Hogarth here?
124
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,910
DUSTY: Hey, everyone,
we've hired a new dancer!
125
00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:45,454
What?!
126
00:05:48,540 --> 00:05:50,834
[ALL LAUGHING]
127
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:57,507
[ALL LAUGHING]
128
00:05:58,675 --> 00:06:00,385
[SIGHS]
Idiots.
129
00:06:00,510 --> 00:06:01,678
KAHN:
Say...
130
00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:03,013
nice Caddy.
131
00:06:03,138 --> 00:06:05,223
Cotton gave it
to Hank's cousin Dusty.
132
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,267
Bit of a sore point.
133
00:06:07,476 --> 00:06:08,810
Your cousin, eh?
134
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,937
Isn't that hillbilly term
for wife?
135
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,564
Th-- There's a taxi coming!
136
00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:13,940
I bet it's Dusty.
137
00:06:14,065 --> 00:06:16,610
Famous people like to be
kissed on the cheek, right?
138
00:06:16,735 --> 00:06:18,069
I'm thinking about doing that.
139
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:22,449
There they are!
Hey, Hank.
140
00:06:22,657 --> 00:06:25,118
Dale. Bill.
Boomhauer.
141
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,454
Dusty Hill?!
142
00:06:28,079 --> 00:06:29,498
Hank Hill?!
143
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:32,042
Why didn't you say
you were related to the man
144
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:35,295
whose band helped launch
the story-driven music video?
145
00:06:35,504 --> 00:06:37,756
Well, you just answered
your own question.
146
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,132
I got to get Minh!
147
00:06:39,216 --> 00:06:41,593
"Tush" is her favorite song!
148
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:42,761
Say!
149
00:06:42,928 --> 00:06:44,763
The old gal looks pretty snazzy.
150
00:06:47,682 --> 00:06:50,519
Yeah, well, anyway, uh,
you'll probably want
151
00:06:50,602 --> 00:06:53,271
to be getting back to Houston
and your current wife.
152
00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:55,816
You know,
153
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:59,319
while I was out there touring
and making records and whatnot,
154
00:06:59,444 --> 00:07:02,072
I let some things slip by
that really matter to me.
155
00:07:02,239 --> 00:07:03,240
Friends,
156
00:07:03,448 --> 00:07:04,908
family.
157
00:07:05,075 --> 00:07:06,576
I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
158
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:08,453
it's be nice spending
a couple of days
159
00:07:08,578 --> 00:07:10,497
hanging out with you,
just catching up.
160
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:13,375
Well, uh, I don't know, uh...
161
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:14,501
[BOBBY SQUEALS]
162
00:07:14,626 --> 00:07:16,253
Is this him?!
Are you him?
163
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,754
Oh, my God!
164
00:07:18,547 --> 00:07:20,841
Can I speak at him, please?
165
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:22,801
Looks like your dad's
raising you right.
166
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,053
Uh, I guess so.
167
00:07:28,765 --> 00:07:31,142
Well, you know, Dusty,
it's a long trip from Houston.
168
00:07:31,268 --> 00:07:34,104
Why don't you come in
and have some ice tea and...?
169
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,313
MAN:
Cut!
170
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:37,899
We need to reset from
171
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,943
"I let some things slip
that mattered to me."
172
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:42,612
We're getting too much glare
from the skinny guy's sunglasses.
173
00:07:42,779 --> 00:07:44,823
What the heck's going on?
174
00:07:44,990 --> 00:07:46,950
I'm the star
of my own reality show.
175
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,785
You and I won't
just be hanging out,
176
00:07:48,952 --> 00:07:50,871
we'll be doing it on TV.
177
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,789
Finally!
178
00:07:59,588 --> 00:08:02,424
They are shooting
a freakin' reality show!
179
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:03,758
Did you get that?
180
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,428
That was me discovering
you're shooting a reality show.
181
00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:08,263
This could be my big break!
182
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,138
Bobby, get inside.
183
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,808
Good lord, Dusty,
did you run out
184
00:08:11,933 --> 00:08:13,602
of ways to embarrass yourself?
185
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,729
No, this is going
to be great, Hank.
186
00:08:15,812 --> 00:08:17,480
America wants reality,
187
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,190
and I'm the guy
to give it to 'em.
188
00:08:19,357 --> 00:08:21,276
- Buh!
- You sure are, Dust.
189
00:08:21,443 --> 00:08:24,154
Paul Portis,
ImPORTant Productions.
190
00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:26,448
He's the best.
191
00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:28,033
Check out the title
for our show:
192
00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:29,868
Behind The Beard.
193
00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:31,286
You're welcome.
194
00:08:32,454 --> 00:08:34,164
You think everything's fun
and games, Dusty.
195
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:35,206
Well, it's not.
196
00:08:35,373 --> 00:08:37,167
Yeah, well, you might
change your mind
197
00:08:37,292 --> 00:08:39,002
after you see your dog.
198
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,297
Okay, that tears it!
199
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,050
I am sick of you
messing with me.
200
00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:50,931
[SIGHS] Boy, I actually thought
Dusty might have changed,
201
00:08:51,056 --> 00:08:54,809
but he's just the same flashy
pain in my neck he used to be.
202
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,227
What a joke.
203
00:08:56,394 --> 00:08:57,646
Joke?
204
00:08:57,896 --> 00:09:00,941
Did you see the way Bobby lit up
when he saw those cameras?
205
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,901
I walked into his room
this morning
206
00:09:03,026 --> 00:09:07,280
and he was... he was singing
into a hairbrush.
207
00:09:07,489 --> 00:09:10,408
Uh-huh, uh-huh!
Go on!
208
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:12,994
You know, sometimes when
things went wrong with Cotton,
209
00:09:13,078 --> 00:09:14,245
I just thought,
210
00:09:14,371 --> 00:09:16,247
"Well, at least I'm
getting that car one day."
211
00:09:16,373 --> 00:09:19,125
And now he just
swoops in and takes it.
212
00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:22,545
Your joke made me sad.
213
00:09:28,677 --> 00:09:31,680
PORTIS:
This is not interesting at all.
214
00:09:31,846 --> 00:09:33,932
We need something else!
215
00:09:34,057 --> 00:09:36,726
[LAUGHING]
You should check this out!
216
00:09:36,935 --> 00:09:39,896
This guy doesn't get angry.
He becomes anger.
217
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,856
It really pops.
218
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,276
I'm gonna punch you silly.
219
00:09:45,443 --> 00:09:47,362
Gonna knock your teeth in,
I tell you...
220
00:09:47,529 --> 00:09:48,989
You got dang...
221
00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:51,157
That tears it!
222
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:52,701
Watch the vein in his head.
223
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:54,744
You could add jungle drums
each time it throbs.
224
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:56,037
[DRUMS PLAYING]
225
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:57,664
[DRUM VOLUME DECREASES]
226
00:09:57,872 --> 00:10:00,417
There's your act break,
people, and your bus-side,
227
00:10:00,542 --> 00:10:01,835
your grocery separator
228
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,920
and your cover of
TV frickin' Guide.
229
00:10:04,045 --> 00:10:05,463
This is our new job...
230
00:10:05,630 --> 00:10:07,632
Pissing off Hank Hill.
231
00:10:07,757 --> 00:10:10,552
HANK:
I'm gonna tear your beard off!
232
00:10:12,595 --> 00:10:16,349
People really respond to
your interacting with Hank.
233
00:10:16,433 --> 00:10:19,561
By "interacting" you mean
messing with him, right?
234
00:10:19,644 --> 00:10:23,690
Sometimes I think it's too easy,
but it's just so much dang fun.
235
00:10:23,898 --> 00:10:26,026
It's not just fun for you,
it's fun for us.
236
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,360
It's fun for America.
237
00:10:27,569 --> 00:10:29,779
And most importantly,
it's fun for Hank.
238
00:10:29,988 --> 00:10:33,658
Well, damn. If that's the case,
I know just the guys to help.
239
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:37,537
How about we try
that new soup place?
240
00:10:37,662 --> 00:10:39,664
Because it sure is soup weather.
241
00:10:39,789 --> 00:10:40,999
[DOORBELL RINGS]
242
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:44,669
ALL:
Hey, Hank.
243
00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:46,379
[SIGHS]
No.
244
00:10:46,588 --> 00:10:47,464
Don't worry, Hank.
245
00:10:47,589 --> 00:10:49,049
We're just here
selling buttfors.
246
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:51,301
What's a butt...? No.
247
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:53,219
[ALL LAUGH]
248
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:54,971
You know, last time we saw you,
249
00:10:55,096 --> 00:10:56,973
you were trying to explain
to the Border Patrol
250
00:10:57,098 --> 00:10:59,059
why your trunk was full tacos.
251
00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:01,144
I just want to apologize
for any hard feelings
252
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,645
about the show, Hank,
253
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,939
so we brought over
one of our gold records...
254
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,400
and buried it somewhere
in your lawn.
255
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:08,651
What the hell?
256
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:12,614
[SPUTTERS]
257
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:14,866
Wait for us!
We're in!
258
00:11:15,116 --> 00:11:17,619
Dang it, Dusty, I'm gonna take
that gold record
259
00:11:17,702 --> 00:11:19,829
and shove your face
through the little hole!
260
00:11:20,038 --> 00:11:20,705
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
261
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,290
DALE:
'Sgo!
262
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:25,877
No!
263
00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:29,798
My lawn!
264
00:11:43,186 --> 00:11:45,438
[GIGGLING]
Shh!
265
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,484
[GIGGLING]
Shh!
266
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:51,486
Queen bee barbecue.
267
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:54,280
Now serving shrimps.
268
00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:55,573
What the...?!
269
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,283
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
270
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,205
Although Hank's urethra
isn't technically blocked,
271
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:03,581
it's just narrow.
272
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:05,458
Peggy, get them out of here!
273
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,293
My house is off-limits!
274
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,045
Wait a minute.
Where's Bobby?
275
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:10,922
He's fine.
He's in the truth booth.
276
00:12:11,089 --> 00:12:13,174
Oh, God!
277
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,843
Let me through.
I need to get in there.
278
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,469
Hey, I'm next!
279
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:19,389
Dale, move aside unless
you want me to kick your ass.
280
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,086
Yes, do it!
281
00:12:21,182 --> 00:12:22,976
That's how I'll get on TV!
282
00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:25,728
No, kick mine! I want to
be on camera, please!
283
00:12:25,937 --> 00:12:28,064
I believe I'm the one
who deserves the kicking.
284
00:12:28,189 --> 00:12:30,817
I slept with his best friend's
wife for 13 years.
285
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,403
Yeah, Bill's wife
was a tramp. Big deal.
286
00:12:33,528 --> 00:12:37,699
Now shut up and let Hank
kick the ass he started on!
287
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:42,120
So Jerry Lee, Jimmy Swaggart
and me are ready for action
288
00:12:42,287 --> 00:12:43,621
when who should appear but...
289
00:12:43,705 --> 00:12:47,208
BOBBY: Wheeee!!
Do it again! Do it again!
290
00:12:47,417 --> 00:12:49,460
Stop spinning my son!
291
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:52,630
All right, that does it.
I want everybody out.
292
00:12:52,714 --> 00:12:54,591
You with the camera, everyone.
293
00:12:54,757 --> 00:12:55,717
But not me, right?
294
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:57,177
Get!
295
00:12:59,721 --> 00:13:01,472
So you kicked 'em all out?
296
00:13:01,556 --> 00:13:03,016
I guess they deserved it.
297
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:05,143
Dang right, they deserved it.
298
00:13:05,768 --> 00:13:08,938
I can't believe you gave
this car to Dusty, Dad.
299
00:13:09,063 --> 00:13:11,482
After all the times
I've detailed it
300
00:13:11,608 --> 00:13:13,484
and all the tune-ups
I've given it.
301
00:13:14,068 --> 00:13:17,655
I guess I didn't realize
how much Marlena meant to you.
302
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,490
Well, how could you
not know that?
303
00:13:19,616 --> 00:13:22,869
Well, sometimes
I don't think, boy.
304
00:13:26,998 --> 00:13:28,750
Aw, Dad.
305
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,548
Oh, got dang it,
you're in on this, too?
306
00:13:35,632 --> 00:13:38,509
[LAUGHS]
Just having some fun, Hank!
307
00:13:38,593 --> 00:13:40,386
Something you don't know
nothing about.
308
00:13:40,595 --> 00:13:43,348
While you were wasting time
having a family
309
00:13:43,473 --> 00:13:47,018
and buying a house
and having a career,
310
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:50,104
Dusty was busy making
something out of his life.
311
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:52,857
Why didn't you join a band, boy?
312
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,527
[LAUGHING]
313
00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:57,904
This footage is great,
314
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,114
but we need to push
the envelope with him.
315
00:14:00,198 --> 00:14:01,491
Think, think, think.
316
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,743
He really hates code violations.
317
00:14:03,868 --> 00:14:05,578
We could make fun of propane.
318
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:09,374
Propane? Whoa, you can
only push a man so far.
319
00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:10,875
We've been riding Hank
pretty hard.
320
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,378
Now let's lay off him
and do something else fun.
321
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,296
I've said it once,
I'll say it again.
322
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,340
Me and the guys
could always get naked.
323
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:18,925
Uh, sure, sure.
324
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,109
All good ideas.
325
00:14:20,218 --> 00:14:21,552
I'll confab with the team here
326
00:14:21,678 --> 00:14:23,304
to see if we can find
something golden.
327
00:14:28,142 --> 00:14:30,061
We can't lay off Hank.
328
00:14:30,186 --> 00:14:32,313
He's our bread and butter.
You find anything?
329
00:14:32,522 --> 00:14:34,357
Oh, yeah.
330
00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:35,692
[SIGHS]
I can't believe
331
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,610
you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.
332
00:14:37,694 --> 00:14:40,405
After all the times
I've detailed it, and all
333
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,699
the tune-ups I've given it...
334
00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:47,370
We hurt the Caddy,
we hurt Hank. Go!
335
00:14:47,578 --> 00:14:49,539
Do a cross-promotion thing
with Burger King
336
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,666
and crash it into a replica
of the Eiffel Tower
337
00:14:51,749 --> 00:14:52,917
made out of Whoppers.
338
00:14:53,084 --> 00:14:54,419
We could set it on fire.
339
00:14:54,544 --> 00:14:55,795
On Mommy vs Nanny
340
00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:58,381
any time we burned things,
we got an instant ten share.
341
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,342
The 18-34 crowd really
loves a good explosion.
342
00:15:02,593 --> 00:15:04,387
I got a better idea.
343
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:06,389
We'll do all three.
344
00:15:08,891 --> 00:15:11,686
So Dusty took the car back
to Houston already, huh?
345
00:15:11,853 --> 00:15:13,521
No. The cars
at the shop.
346
00:15:13,604 --> 00:15:16,107
They're reinforcing the gas tank
and removing the radiator.
347
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,692
Well, that is idiotic.
348
00:15:17,775 --> 00:15:19,527
These old V-8s run hot.
349
00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:21,362
It'll seize up
in a few hundred miles.
350
00:15:21,571 --> 00:15:22,739
Doesn't need to last that long.
351
00:15:22,864 --> 00:15:25,491
Dusty's driving it
in a demolition derby.
352
00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:29,912
Demolition derby?! No!
353
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,504
We gotta stop this.
354
00:15:38,629 --> 00:15:42,133
I will not let Dusty demolish
the car I grew up in.
355
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,177
And the trunk I grew up in!
356
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:46,888
My God, I've always dreamed
of driving somewhere
357
00:15:46,971 --> 00:15:48,639
to stop something bad
from happening,
358
00:15:48,718 --> 00:15:50,308
and now I'm doing it!
359
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,234
DUSTY [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Hello, Arlen!
360
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:02,320
Are you ready to derby?!
361
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,530
[CROWD CHEERING]
362
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,201
Hey!
363
00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:13,915
Hey, we're gonna go scout
the talent in the crowd.
364
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:22,799
This is it, people!
365
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,967
Here comes our gorgeous,
angry monkey.
366
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,470
Camera one, I want you
close on his neck vein.
367
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:30,014
Camera two, you're on his
shaking fists and spittle.
368
00:16:30,181 --> 00:16:33,101
If something inside his
brain pops, I want to see it!
369
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:37,397
Oh, good, Dusty's
not out there yet.
370
00:16:37,522 --> 00:16:39,190
Maybe I can still save the car.
371
00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:41,526
[CAR HORN PLAYING
"LA CUCARACHA"]
372
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,194
Good Lord.
373
00:16:43,277 --> 00:16:44,570
Ugh.
374
00:16:44,821 --> 00:16:47,657
It looks like a giant
toilet seat cover.
375
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,367
So soft...
376
00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:51,327
yet so powerful.
377
00:16:51,536 --> 00:16:53,204
Hey, Hank!
378
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:02,505
It's like he doesn't even care
that those tires are whitewalls.
379
00:17:21,983 --> 00:17:23,359
[ENGINE NOT STARTING]
380
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,626
[GRUNTS]
381
00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:43,671
Dusty! Quick, you gotta
get out of there! Come on!
382
00:17:46,090 --> 00:17:47,258
He's trapped.
383
00:17:47,341 --> 00:17:49,844
Someone's gotta get him out
of there before the car explodes.
384
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:52,763
The car that you love the most
in the world is being destroyed.
385
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:54,390
How does that make you feel?
386
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,225
And could you please repeat
the question in your answer?
387
00:17:56,392 --> 00:17:59,937
Put those got-dang cameras
down and help him! Come on!
388
00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:10,531
[COUGHING]
Help! I'm all tangled up!
389
00:18:13,117 --> 00:18:14,368
Get me outta here.
390
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,495
"Get me outta here?"
391
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,121
Somebody give Dusty
a better line!
392
00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:18,706
"Don't let this car
be my coffin"?
393
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,291
Uh, "Gimme all your helpin'!"
394
00:18:20,374 --> 00:18:22,210
"I've got legs, but I don't
know if I can use them!"
395
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:23,419
[COUGHING]
396
00:18:23,544 --> 00:18:24,545
Hang in there, Dusty.
397
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:26,297
I'll get you outta there.
398
00:18:29,258 --> 00:18:30,259
[SIGHS]
399
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,011
Everything's gonna be okay.
400
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,357
You all right, Dusty?
401
00:18:44,565 --> 00:18:45,691
Nuh... Uh...
402
00:18:46,817 --> 00:18:48,903
Oh, I guess not.
403
00:18:50,988 --> 00:18:52,573
Oh, my God.
404
00:18:52,657 --> 00:18:54,242
You know what, Dusty?
405
00:18:54,325 --> 00:18:55,660
I'm glad you're okay,
406
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:57,787
but I don't ever want
to see you again.
407
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,789
I'm tired of your stupid pranks,
408
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,375
and I'm tired of your
got dang rock 'n' roll,
409
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:04,335
anything-goes lifestyle.
410
00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:07,088
Why are you mad? I'm the one
with the injured beard.
411
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:08,589
You call that angry?
412
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,424
This is supposed to be
our promo moment.
413
00:19:10,536 --> 00:19:11,759
Look at that car!
414
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:15,888
Think about all the times
you tuned it up, Hank,
415
00:19:15,972 --> 00:19:17,348
and tenderly washed it.
416
00:19:17,473 --> 00:19:18,849
You loved that car!
417
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:20,893
Doesn't it make you want
to punch Dusty
418
00:19:21,018 --> 00:19:22,395
with your upstage hand?!
419
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,437
Hank, wait!
420
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,316
Did that Caddy really
mean that much to you?!
421
00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:29,735
As much as your beard
means to you.
422
00:19:29,944 --> 00:19:31,904
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Hank.
423
00:19:31,988 --> 00:19:34,699
I assumed when Cotton gave
the Caddy to me so quickly,
424
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,576
and for free,
you didn't want it.
425
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,828
Yeah, well, Cotton...
426
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,413
he's a jackass.
427
00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:43,583
And you knew about this?
428
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,585
After I told you
to lay off Hank,
429
00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:47,295
you set up this whole thing?
430
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,922
That does it, Portis...
Your show is canceled.
431
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,049
You don't tell me
when the show is canceled...
432
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:53,384
The network does.
433
00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:54,969
I've got contracts with you.
434
00:19:55,052 --> 00:19:57,722
Paper can be ripped...
like your head.
435
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,890
We're at a demolition
derby in Texas.
436
00:20:00,016 --> 00:20:02,602
You want me to tell these
folks you're from Hollywood?
437
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,479
You've seen what we've done
to Hank, and we like him.
438
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,690
You best watch your back, son.
439
00:20:07,857 --> 00:20:09,275
Fine, do what you want.
440
00:20:09,358 --> 00:20:11,861
VH-1 Classics is
swarming with bands
441
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:14,572
who'll eat anything
I ask them to.
442
00:20:17,742 --> 00:20:19,702
I'm sorry about the car.
443
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,246
Well, I'm sorry about the beard.
444
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,625
Ah, she'll grow back.
445
00:20:25,708 --> 00:20:27,710
Your beard's a girl?
446
00:20:29,754 --> 00:20:32,048
Well, thanks for
fixing her up for me.
447
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,133
It's the least I could do, 'cuz.
448
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,552
So, Dusty, I was wondering...
449
00:20:36,719 --> 00:20:39,138
when you guys are ready
to go on tour,
450
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,671
do you think
maybe I could go with you?
451
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:45,061
We'd love to have you, Bobby,
452
00:20:45,186 --> 00:20:46,854
but if you want to succeed
in show business,
453
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,439
you gotta stay in school.
454
00:20:48,564 --> 00:20:51,400
Rock 'n' roll takes a lot
of hard work and smarts.
455
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:56,322
You gotta know a lot of stuff,
like, umm, umm... arithmetic.
456
00:20:56,781 --> 00:20:58,324
And earth science.
457
00:20:58,449 --> 00:21:00,034
And the presidents.
458
00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:03,954
Man, I thought being a rock star
would be more fun than that.
459
00:21:04,121 --> 00:21:05,498
Nun-uh.
460
00:21:05,623 --> 00:21:07,541
[METALLIC GROANING]
461
00:21:51,836 --> 00:21:54,171
HANK:
It's time to rock.
462
00:21:54,221 --> 00:21:58,771
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