Original subtitles

Can you believe it, Minh?

Ted Wassanasong actually invite us to his home.

What a place.

I can't tell if that's

a high-def TV or window overlooking African safari.

You know, it's funny, even another person's money

can make me happy.

Oh...

Minh!

Look at that swimming pool.

The classic, simple rectangle.

The tiles so tastefully filigreed.

That is the pool of a man of substance.

Welcome, Kahn and Minh.

I hope you're enjoying yourselves.

Your home is beautiful, Ted.

Thank you.

As fellow Laotians, I knew you would appreciate

the lowland influences on the architecture and decor.

Yeah, so did it come with that pool,

or did you have to put it in?

Minh, Kahn, I'd like you to meet

my dear friend, Nguc Phong.

Legendary Lao guerrilla fighter

who lead brave assaults against communist forces?

I am that same soldier.

{( laughing )

How about that, Minh?

This guy serious butt-kicker.

Anyway, I'm sorry they kill all your friends.

Yes, that was unhappy for me.

But every day I devote to honoring their memory,

to preserving the culture of our people.

Yeah, well, that sound good.

Now about the pool--

What you think a smaller version of it in my backyard cost?

And remember, I want same tiles

you use with Ted Wassanasong's pool.

Right. Here's my estimate.

( Kahn screaming )

Yep.

Yep.

My dreams are shattered.

Yep, mine, too.

Have a beer.

Ever since I see Ted's pool,

I can think of nothing but having one in my own backyard.

But it too expensive.

Well, it doesn't have to be.

A pool is basically a concrete shell

with a suction and return system

and some motor-assisted plumbing.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, you just need to find a few guys

who enjoy doing construction in their spare time,

and offer them the rights to use the pool.

Something's happening here.

Oh, my God, we're gonna build a pool!

Really?

( All cheer) Wingo!

This hard hat is my armor.

When you're working construction,

your head is still your most valuable tool,

so you've got to protect it...

Huh?

A rectangular pool.

It'll be like having a mid-level motel next door.

I can't believe it

That giant hole filled with dirt

is the place I'm going to spend the rest of my childhood.

Well, before you do, you're gonna train

in swimming, CPR, and pool etiquette.

Huh. I'm still excited.

Is it possible that our life

has finally achieved total perfection?

Tell me, what is Connie's grade-point average?

Is it "A"?

A-plus.

And what kind of steak is that?

Is it choice?

Prime.

And that pool in my backyard, is it a hallucination?

No, it's real.

So it is true, then-- our lives are nearly perfect.

Only missing element is membership

in Nine Rivers Country Club.

Well, Ted Wassanasong is on membership committee...

Of course!

And he like us now.

Oh, this coming together very nicely.

Oh, hello, Ted.

Well, this hilarious.

I just come to shop for new five-iron,

but then I run into you guys.

Oh, Kahn, good to see you.

We're on our way

to distribute food to the poor.

Is that euphemism for playing round of golf?

Because I'm in.

Kahn, you do know that it's Makha Bousa today, don't you?

It is one of our most sacred holidays.

Oh, right, I guess it slip my mind.

But only momentarily, because tonight

Minh and I throw Makha Bousa celebration dinner at our house.

I insist that you both join us.

Well, that would be super. I accept.

Really?

Oh, okay then, I see you tonight.

You know, it so nice that lately you and |

able to spend more time...

Kahn, the poor.

Oh, yes, the poor.

I, uh... I hope they get more money soon.

Good morning.

We're here to sign my son up for a course in CPR.

We're essentially getting a pool.

Well, we have a basic, one day course.

We also have a two week course

which includes advanced emergency care

for infants and seniors.

-He'll take the two week course. -What?!

Your grandfather might come to visit,

and I'd like to be able to say we did everything we could.

Gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast.

To a man whose backyard soil was of a consistency

which made for hassle-free excavation,

and had no interfering sewage lines.

Hey, Kahn,

dinner guests are here.

Already?

I wanted everything perfect.

Start assembling my pool furniture.

Good evening, Kahn.

I hope...

...I hope it's all right

if I brought a few of our Laotian friends.

Certainly!

I think we got enough pina coladas.

Magha Puja just starting in backyard.

And ta-da!

Ted, look who is getting a swimming pool!

Yeah, redneck neighbors built it for me.

{( laughing )

Maybe next I have them build me railroad.

How that for revenge?

Kahn, the railroads were built by the Chinese,

not Laotians.

Same difference.

( All gasping )

It just joke.

Maybe too far?

A word if we may.

Nguc and I feel that you've become

grievously disconnected from your heritage.

It's as though you've completely forgotten

that you're Lao.

What? That's not true.

Take a look around, Kahn.

( Pop plays )

Can you point to one Lao artifact in your home?

Can you recall the last conversation

you had that was not in English?

In our homeland,

the Lao man is oppressed by his government.

But inside of you,

the Lao man is oppressed by himself.

You destroy your own ethnic identity.

It is sterilized in the chlorinated waters

-of your swimming pool. -Oh.

You've become what is known as a "banana."

"Banana"?

Consider the properties of a banana, Kahn.

Its skin is yellow, but its insides are white.

But...

But I'm not white.

MINH: Okay, everyone! Steak's on!

Who need ketchup?

They call me "banana," Minh.

That crazy, right?

Of course.

You very Asian.

Very Lao.

But Ted say there no

visible evidence of my heritage.

People Magazine.

Didn't we have a subscription

to Xaignabouri Muang Weekly?

I guess it must have run out.

There not one stinking trace of our homeland in this place!

If stranger walk in here, he says,

"Ah, this must be where Johnny Smith live,

not Kahn Souf... Kahn Stouff.."

Oh my God! I cannot say my own name!

Oh, calm down now.

You can still say your own name.

You just freaking out right now.

You spoke perfect Lao to your own mother just last week.

Sa-baai-dee, luuk-saao tee naa-hak.

Bpen-jang ci as?

Wait-- are you saying good night,

or are you cursing at me?

( Screams )

You see?

Connie can't even speak Lao.

That is messed up, Minh.

Maybe you're right.

We could connect a little more to our heritage.

Yes... that an excellent plan.

Connie, you remember the gong we hit

during American Idol?

Let me show you what it's really for.

Hmm, these weeds weren't here yesterday.

Hands off, redneck. That's my celery.

The Lao people are self-sufficient.

We grow our own food.

We notrely on big supermarket

to nurse us like helpless calf at mother's teat.

Well... okay then.

We're going to swim now.

Have fun, hopeless Americans.

Enjoy splashing around in your river that leads to nowhere.

Yeah, it great to be back in touch with my roots.

Minh buy beautiful piece by Lao artist.

Painting of people toiling in rice paddies.

( Grunts softly )

It's great to support Lao culture, Kahn,

but your home is still a shrine to American material luxury.

I guess I little confused.

I cannot help but notice

your state-of-the-art home theater system,

and your four-car garage.

Sure, I own all of these "things,"

but they don't own me.

I'll try to explain.

This is Man of Louang Namtha,

carved by a native highlander more than 300 years ago.

It's the embodiment of the Lao spirit.

This is my link.

As long as I carry this,

everything else is meaningless.

So I just keep one of those in my pocket

and I can have a big screen TV?

You got an extra one of those guys lying around?

Unfortunately, you're not ready yet.

It wouldn't mean to you what it means to me.

So, what for dinner?

Is that a joke?

You know damn well it's rice and meat.

Oh, of course.

I get so used to American diet of extreme variety.

Yeah. This better.

( Water splashing )

( Guys laughing, chattering )

BILL: Yay! I won!

Can you throw it... Throw it here.

(tapping )

I will now tell stories of my childhood in Laos.

Growing up in the village, I had two chickens.

One of them was named Phouma.

DALE: Marco!

BILL: Polo!

( laughter)

I don't recall the name of the other chicken,

but, sometimes, I would put both of the chickens

in the wheelbarrow.

This was very funny.

DALE: I'm a submarine!

BILL: Don't splash me!

Mm-hmm.

You know, sometimes I think I'd like to visit Indiana.

Is that weird?

Hey, man, you know,

dang ol' go with that feeling, man.

I think that's a great dream, Hank.

Thank you.

Boy, Kahn's in there right now,

beating himself up for God knows why,

when he could be out here floating under the stars.

It's wild.

Ten yards away, a man suffers,

but I'm still completely able to enjoy his pool.

I guess I'm just growing up.

( Speaking Laotian )

Would it shame our entire people if I sit on chair?

This not about comfort.

This is about being true to who we are.

It about never being called "banana" again.

What we need is to focus harder.

( Program continues in Laotian )

( Pop plays )

I'll be there for you...

Look who passed!

HANK: Way to go, Bobby.

-Yay! -Congratulations, man.

Let's hit the pool!

Oh, God!

Kahn, what the hell

did you do to our swimming pool?

It now reflecting pool.

We need peaceful space in which we can meditate.

We had a deal.

Oh, you had deal with old Kahn.

The homogenized, Americanized Kahn.

That Kahn no longer exist.

And neither does pool.

I learned CPR for nothing?!

I went to school on a Saturday!

So help me,

the only thing keeping me

from wishing a pox on your house

is that your house is next to my house,

and the pox could spread.

( Chimes dinging )

And Connie finally getting used to eating

fermented fish chunks and rice husks.

So how does it feel, Kahn, to rediscover your roots?

Uh, well... it not always fun.

But as I recall, life in Laos not always so fun.

So I guess I'm on right track, right?

Wrong.

Oh, dear.

Kahn, right now the Lao community

is not taken seriously.

The Cuban exile community in Florida

is taken very seriously.

Do you know why?

Uh... Gloria Estefan?

No.

They wield political influence in this country

while maintaining ties to rebel groups in their mother country.

In the mountains of our homeland,

there is still a small but determined movement,

a resistance to the communist regime.

Imagine it, Kahn-- a free

and independent Laos.

Yeah, that sound great.

With men like Ted Wassanasong

leading the way, the dream can become real.

Yes, but an undertaking like this

can only work with total commitment.

Oh, I be happy to write a check.

No, Kahn, we want you to join the armed resistance

and fight for us on the front lines.

Front lines?

Oh, yes, Kahn, there may be risks, but I wonder--

Is life as a banana better than death, or is it worse?

Will you join us, Kahn?

Of course he will join us.

He is a proud Lao man, willing to shed his blood

for our mother country.

Uh...

This crazy!

For first time I feel pride,

I feel like true Laotian.

And you say it crazy.

I'm saying that, in matter of days,

you chuck all the furniture and pick up machine gun.

Maybe it time to take stock.

You know what I think? I think

you starting to sound a lot like...

a banana!

Kahn,

that's ridiculous.

No time to argue.

I have training, then I supposed to build

sandbag fortress around Ted's house.

Connie!

You can stop hulling rice.

We're going to Whattaburger.

MAN: Nice shot, Tom.

Sa-dang aa-wut!

Nguc!

You are a disgrace!

You won't survive five minutes in combat!

Especially you.

I can't have this.

I talked councilmen Ebberd

into making the first Tuesday in May "Lao Freedom Day."

We are parading from the nail salon to the boba tea shop,

and we are going to look smart doing it!

Sa-mawng mueng ngo gwaa ling.

Mueng si pae o yang yoi-yap nai sa-naam-hop!

Bak-bpuek, mueng bav-mee pa-nyote!

Sa-mawng mueng ngo gwaa ling.

Yep.

Yep.

What happened to your face, Kahn?

Finally steal a pool from someone who knows how to fight?

No. It training accident.

I take butt of rifle to the face.

Ha! What poetic justice.

You steal a pool and then the butt of a rifle...

steals the... health of your face.

Hey, you treat me with respect!

I happen to be colonel in Ted Wassanasong's army.

Uh, yeah, I still don't really get what that is.

I just want the got-danged pool back.

So clean it up,

and then you can spend the rest of your life

running around like a jackass with Ted Wassanasong.

Run around like jackass?

Ha! Shows what you know.

At any moment, Ted could call me,

say code word "Siddhartha",

and then it not just running around

like jackass anymore, buddy-boy.

Uh-huh.

And what happens when Ted says "Siddhartha"?

Well, we get on cargo plane and fly to Laos.

If we are not blown apart by anti-aircraft fire,

we parachute into mountains.

If we not shot on way down, or die on impact,

we march into capital.

And then... well...

we probably all be shot or run over with tank.

Some of us may get taken prisoner.

And then most likely they torture us

or reeducate us, and then...

put us in their army.

Huh.

Anyone else notice

he cuts a pretty nice figure in uniform?

( Classical )

( Native )

ANNOUNCER: When Ellen returns,

she's making fajitas with Justin Timberlake!

Don't start, Kahn. I'm not turning it off.

Who were her guests?

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

What were they plugging?

Fitness tape.

When I was a banana, I would have eaten that up with a spoon.

You know, I'm getting sick and tired of that word.

You and me both.

I don't know what's worse--

Being sent on suicide mission in Laos

or having Ted Wassanasong tell me,

"I'm sorry, Kahn, but your salute is not crisp enough."

Why you let Ted Wassanasong tell you what to do,

what to like, what to think?

Isn't that why we fled the communists in Laos?

And the homeowners' association in Orange County?

Well, yeah, but...

Kahn, don't you want to hear beautiful strains

of Brahms come off Connie's violin?

To eat yourself silly on baby back ribs

and then fall backwards in your sparkling swimming pool

like those iced tea ads you love so much?

( Doorbell chimes )

Hey, Ted.

I want to thank you for making me remember

who I am and where I come from,

but I won't be needing these anymore.

I don't understand.

How do you plan to parade without your uniform?

Oh, my parading days are done.

It's like this�

If you want someone to play a round of golf, give me call.

If you want someone to feel guilty about the way

they choose to live, call someone else.

Dominga!

(disco plays )

(yelps)

( Both laughing )

This is good living, eh?

You know, someday, maybe I buy you out,

bulldoze your home,

and extend pool to Olympic size.

Well, that's a dream, I guess.

Yeah...

but this is real.

(yapping )

(gulping )

( Hacking )

Bobby!

Not again.

Mr. Dauterive, can't you just chew?

( Grunting )

Thank you, Bobby.

KAHN: Haha, Just joke. NGUC PHONG: Ugh. KAHN: Maybe too far?

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