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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,796
I
I
2
00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:33,900
Yep.
3
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:34,899
Yep.
4
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,265
Yup.
5
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,566
Mm-hmm.
6
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:41,840
How do, Hank.
7
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,774
Pretty good.
8
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,278
You know you already delivered
my paper this morning.
9
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,872
Yeah, I just wanted to wish you
a Merry Christmas in person,
10
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,508
instead of leaving you some
tacky store-bought card.
11
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:54,644
Well, thanks, Harv,
but uh, it's April.
12
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,950
Yeah, normally I'd wait
till December,
13
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,583
but the Bystander's
got a new owner,
14
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,354
or should I say
"new bastard."
15
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,930
I prefer "new bastard,"
thanks.
16
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,259
First thing he's doing
17
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:08,027
is replacing all us
delivery guys with kids.
18
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:11,136
Apparently we're not the face
they want for the new Bystander.
19
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,567
Huh. Well, that's, um...
yeah.
20
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:19,007
Meanwhile, they keep taxing
old Harv's cigs...
21
00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:26,820
Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
22
00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:33,292
I can't believe
they're only hiring kids.
23
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,260
I always dreamed of having
a newspaper route.
24
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:37,989
Now my hopes have been raised
and dashed
25
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,896
in a matter of moments.
26
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,865
I have hopelash.
27
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,336
You know, a newspaper route
could be great for Bobby.
28
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:45,699
He has a bike,
29
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,296
and it could be a way
to teach him to throw
30
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,498
without scaring him with a ball.
31
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:54,003
You know, my ex-wife
slept with Harv.
32
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:55,805
Couple of times.
33
00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:58,913
ANNOUNCER: We hope you've
enjoyed our Million Dollar Movie.
34
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,611
Which would have been a
hundred million dollar movie
35
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:03,483
had they cast Tom Cruise
and Tom Hanks
36
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,251
instead of Gary Busey.
37
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:06,359
Bobby! Good news.
38
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:07,654
All right!
39
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,489
You're going to be a paper boy.
40
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,188
Yeah?
41
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,391
Yup. The new owner
of the Bystander
42
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,660
is bringing back old-timey
paper boys.
43
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,327
New owners?
44
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:17,971
Regime change.
45
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,039
Just think,
you'll make $10
46
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,234
before the rest of Arlen
even wakes up.
47
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,310
Oh, well, you know,
48
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:26,505
I'm not really
a morning person.
49
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:27,478
Well, you are now.
50
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,013
Sign-ups
are tomorrow.
51
00:02:30,183 --> 00:02:32,117
This isn't just
Bobby's lucky day,
52
00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:33,548
it's mine, too.
53
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,123
The old Bystander's
answer to my story ideas
54
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:37,850
was always "no, no, no."
55
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,483
But now that heads are rolling
in that newsroom,
56
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:42,755
I am throwing my head
into the ring!
57
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,194
Good for you, Peggy!
58
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:46,493
And once I get a job
at the paper,
59
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,829
I won't need to keep pouring
my creative juices
60
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:52,496
into these DVD commentaries,
that, let's be honest,
61
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,631
no one but you
was ever gonna hear.
62
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,176
That makes this one
a collector's item.
63
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,368
Enjoy.
64
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:07,249
Is your dad making you
get a paper route, too?
65
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:08,548
I'm building character.
66
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,145
DALE:
Hey, dude,
67
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,487
is this where I sign up
for the jizzob?
68
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,060
Hi, Mr. Gribble.
69
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,662
Gribwhat?
70
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:18,527
I'm Sparky Wilson and I moved
here with my mom when my dad
71
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:20,599
left us...
72
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,669
Ah, dang it.
73
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:25,363
It's not fair that only kids
get a paper route!
74
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:27,132
Believe me,
if there was any way
75
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:30,471
I could trade places with
you, Mr. Gribble, I would.
76
00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:32,341
Hmm...
77
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:37,210
what if my want of a paper route
joined up with your un-want?
78
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,513
You sign up, I do all the work.
79
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,646
I don't know.
80
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,552
If I'm still in bed
when my dad gets up,
81
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,058
he's going to know
there's something going on.
82
00:03:46,259 --> 00:03:50,253
Ah... once again
your dad does present a problem.
83
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,195
Ah...
84
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,424
Hey, you could sleep in the
Bugabago during the route.
85
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,629
I've got a cot back there
for marsupial stake-outs.
86
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,067
Well... I'm not sure...
87
00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:04,301
Fine. Enjoy your nice, cold,
dark bike ride.
88
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:07,606
Hey, you, bird-chest--
interested in a deal?
89
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:08,781
Wait!
90
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,714
I'm in.
91
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:12,808
Yes!
92
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,445
Dude, I am totally stoked!
93
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,385
( Screaming )
94
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:19,987
Rad!
95
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:22,452
What do you think, Hank?
96
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,462
For my interview
with the managing editor
97
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,498
I decided to go with
my Knock 'Em Dead shirt.
98
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,123
Good choice.
99
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,169
Wow-- you'll write the paper,
Bobby'll toss it on our stoop,
100
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:33,329
and Ladybird
will bring it to me.
101
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:35,237
( Sighs)
102
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:36,673
Here we go.
103
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,905
His and hers copies
of New York Times.
104
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,811
You ready
for crossword competition?
105
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:47,782
-Go!
-Yeah!
106
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,956
PEGGY:
Oh, for God's sake!
107
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,151
Un-freakin'-believable!
108
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:56,821
Hey'! Peggy Hill,
pipe down!
109
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,591
We trying to match wits
over here.
110
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,462
But I have got
a major job interview,
111
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,695
and I just spilled coffee
all over my blouse.
112
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,326
Oh, a stain?
113
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,461
That what you caterwauling
about?
114
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,267
Remove it.
115
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,536
If I knew how to get a huge
coffee stain out of silk,
116
00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:10,541
I would do it.
117
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,975
But I do not.
118
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,375
Mmm, a housewife
that can't clean.
119
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,949
What exactly does Hank
Hill keep you around for?
120
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,017
This.
121
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,119
I live the life of the mind,
Minh.
122
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,814
I am a thinker, a writer.
123
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,151
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
124
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,089
Just soak stain in lime juice,
dab gently,
125
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,387
and quit your hollering.
126
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,758
Well, I do not have time
for soaking and dabbing.
127
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,297
I'm going to have to change
into my funeral shirt.
128
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,131
Hmm...
129
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,465
so I see you didn't go
to J school.
130
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,835
I like that.
131
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,738
Not only did I not go
to J school,
132
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,343
I don't even know what it is.
133
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:44,534
It's journalism school--
134
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:46,271
But that's all you need
to know about it.
135
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:49,076
I'm looking for people
who have a homespun wisdom
136
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,116
that can only come
from living a real life.
137
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,310
A realer life than mine
138
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,353
you would be hard-pressed
to find, sir.
139
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:55,751
Well, that's dandy.
140
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,449
I'll tell you what our readers
would love:
141
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:58,854
a "Helpful Hints" column.
142
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,153
Care to take a whack at it?
143
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,750
"Helpful Hints?"
144
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:02,886
Like who to vote for?
145
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,121
Great books to read?
146
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,527
How to think?
147
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:06,928
Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
148
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,862
I'm talking
about household hints.
149
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,333
You know, getting rid of mildew,
treating stains...
150
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:12,733
I have a feeling
151
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:13,863
you'd knock it out of the park.
152
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,305
And from there,
153
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,499
there's no telling how far
you could go at this paper.
154
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,977
Mr. Biffel, would you believe
155
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:21,807
that just minutes before
this interview,
156
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:24,542
I had a huge coffee stain
on my blouse?
157
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:25,914
I was lost
158
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,420
until I thought
about a little saying
159
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,954
my pappy used to tell me:
160
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,353
Soak it in lime juice.
161
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:34,428
That's exactly the kind
of gem I'm looking for!
162
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:40,629
Hey, do you know how to get
newspaper ink out of a white shirt?
163
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,724
Of course I do.
164
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:42,926
Nervous laughter)
165
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,696
But you'll have to wait
till tomorrow
166
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:46,966
to read all about it!
167
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:53,778
MINH:
Time out!
168
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,109
KAHN:
Pens down!
169
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,808
Minh, I was just thinking
170
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,509
about that great hint
171
00:06:58,618 --> 00:06:59,983
we were chatting
about this morning...
172
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,450
you know, the lime juice
on the coffee stain.
173
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,749
Delightful.
174
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,620
Now, do you have any other
ones?
175
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:06,385
Oh, sure, my
mother-in-law, Laoma,
176
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,962
loves to tell me how
to clean my house better.
177
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,462
She has this way
of scrubbing grout...
178
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,590
Hmmm, I smell desperation.
179
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,328
What's the matter, you've got
to clean Jethro's overalls
180
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:18,869
before he come back from still?
181
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,771
Ha-ha. Minh great,
Peggy bad.
182
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:23,103
Look, I've got
a household hints column
183
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,735
in the Bystander
and I don't know any.
184
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,576
Help me-- I will give you
whatever you want.
185
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:29,944
I need nine-letter word
186
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,379
for sub-atomic particle
discoverer!
187
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:32,383
You got that?!
188
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,980
Wait, I do.
189
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,384
The Bystander has access
to every paper's puzzle answers
190
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:38,855
a day early.
191
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,255
Mm-hmm.
192
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,885
Now, I have to write this column
five days a week,
193
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:45,054
so you have to keep
the pipeline open.
194
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,633
I don't know...
195
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:50,067
that's going to mean talking
to mother-in-law an awful lot.
196
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,104
KAHN:
Minh, where are you?
197
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,867
You can run,
but you cannot hide
198
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,875
from my superior
vocabulary!
199
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,947
I want Sunday answers, too,
and tomorrow's weather.
200
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,774
I be like God.
201
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,650
( Yawns)
202
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,797
You can move
that bag of rats.
203
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,628
Or use it as a pillow.
204
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:22,896
( Whistling )
205
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,832
( Grunting )
206
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,965
Uh, Bobby? A little help?
207
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,571
It is so great to be
trembling from excitement
208
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:35,477
instead of fear, eh?
209
00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:36,777
( Snoring )
210
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,414
Yes!
211
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,957
( Moaning )
212
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:45,781
( Screaming )
213
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,427
Uh... huh?
214
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,155
Well, steering works!
215
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,768
MAN: Looks like
someone turned in
216
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:02,170
their first column, eh?
217
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:04,402
Oh, you're Bob Jenkins,
the "Eye on Arlen."
218
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,069
I'm Peggy...
219
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,274
I'll learn your name
if I read it in the Bystander.
220
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:13,513
Just so you know,
I used to be "Eyes on Arlen"
221
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:15,120
till Roddy Rae
read my first piece
222
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,814
and threw it right back
into my face.
223
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,422
Had a staple in it.
224
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,158
He's just kidding ya.
225
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,159
He had a brain tumor
226
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,161
and had to have
his eye taken out.
227
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,254
Oh, that's a relief.
228
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,457
I'm a little nervous.
229
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,796
Roddy Rae took my column
into the men's room.
230
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,267
Is that good or bad?
231
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,428
Mmm-mm, depends.
232
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:34,132
If he comes out
holding it, good news.
233
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,299
If he's empty handed,
well...
234
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,501
( toilet flushing )
235
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,276
Won't be long now.
236
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,249
Peggy, congratulations.
237
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,751
This calls for a drink
at The Life Boat.
238
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,050
New person buys.
239
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,562
PEGGY:
Oh, my God,
240
00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:59,391
there's Channel 84's
Burl Arlington.
241
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,934
Oh, look, the mannequin
convention is in town.
242
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,900
Hey, Burl,
243
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:05,493
let's see if you
can order a drink
244
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,664
without using
a TelePrompTer.
245
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,071
( laughter)
246
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,768
You're doing
a great job, Jenkins.
247
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,880
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
to find out what happened today.
248
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,277
( laughter)
249
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,473
Peggy?
250
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:17,709
What are you doing here?
251
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,512
I am writing for
the Bystander,
252
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,348
but I have to tell you,
253
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,855
I do not know if I can
keep up with these barbs.
254
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,754
Oh, Sug, you got to show 'em
you can dish it out
255
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,054
or they'll eat you alive.
256
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,558
Would you do me a favor?
257
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:29,628
Could you just toss
258
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,197
a friendly little
insult my way
259
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,822
so I can get into the game?
260
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,457
Sure, Sug, leave it to me.
261
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:37,730
Congratulations
on the new column, Peggy.
262
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,966
I'm sure all seven of the
Bystander's readers will love it.
263
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,505
Take that,
you bleached-out tramp!
264
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,877
( Gasps, oohing )
265
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,074
( Whispers ).
Thank you.
266
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,743
. 13,14
267
00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:55,321
and two for the
Great State of Taxes.
268
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:57,583
'Souse me.
269
00:10:57,690 --> 00:11:00,091
( low grow! )
270
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,653
Scab! Scab!
271
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,421
He's the kid who took
all our jobs!
272
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,999
Aah!
273
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:10,935
Mr. Gribble!
274
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,298
(coughs)
275
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,969
( Sighs)
276
00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:25,615
( Groans):
Wha...?
277
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:26,913
What time is it?
278
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,715
10:30 in the a.m.
279
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,380
What a day.
280
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,289
I was supposed to be
at school at 8:15.
281
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,952
I missed my science test.
282
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:38,655
Why do we have all these
extra papers?
283
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,928
Huh. I don't know.
Who cares? I'm tired.
284
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:44,433
Mr. Gribble,
my name's on this route.
285
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,562
We have to deliver
these papers.
286
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,902
Whatever you say,
Hank.
287
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:01,552
Boy, last night Bobby reached
for a dinner roll
288
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:04,419
and I think I saw a muscle
in his throwing arm.
289
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,958
Yeah, man, well,
I don't want to kill
290
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,491
that dang ol' buzz, man,
but I tell you what,
291
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,959
that little boy throws like them
dang ol' Drifters, man.
292
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,723
Talking 'bout, dang
ol'"Up On The Roof."
293
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,390
I also found my paper
on Boomhauer's roof.
294
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:18,300
Huh, I'll have to work with
Bobby on his toss mechanics.
295
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,669
It's not easy being
a paper boy, Hank!
296
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,110
You know, I've been getting
a lot of complaints
297
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,545
about your throwing accuracy.
298
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,745
You do know you're
right-handed, don't you?
299
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:35,548
I'll work on it, Dad.
300
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,350
You're Peggy Hill.
301
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,255
I recognize you
from your picture.
302
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,554
And I recognize you as a fan.
303
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,390
I loved your article
last Friday.
304
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,827
I went right out
and put seaweed
305
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,695
on the oil on my driveway.
306
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,494
Peggy, you saved
my driveway
307
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,135
and my marriage.
308
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:55,364
Yeah, I never heard about
that seaweed thing before.
309
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,737
Where'd you
come up with that?
310
00:12:57,844 --> 00:13:00,176
Hank, I want to talk
about our marriage.
311
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:04,708
( Chuckles )
312
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:06,307
I agree, Laoma,
313
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,252
nothing good enough
for your little Kahn.
314
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,380
That's why I would
so appreciate you telling me
315
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,983
how I might remove a lipstick
stain from his shirt.
316
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,186
Here are tomorrow's answers,
317
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,891
including a 15-letter
Shakespearean palindrome.
318
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,125
I'm gonna fill that one in last,
319
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,928
pretend like it
really stumping me.
320
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:25,503
Oh, yes, Laoma, I'm still here.
321
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,472
Oh, yes, I did hear you say
322
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:31,703
my lipstick remind you
of Bangkok circus clown.
323
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,371
No, I'm not taking a tone.
324
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,107
I really do value your tips
325
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,445
to make myself look less
freakish.
326
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:41,918
Okay, now that was uncalled
for, you ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
327
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,182
Oh, no, no--
don't call her
328
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:44,450
a ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
329
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:46,581
Yeah, well you know
that couch you sleep on
330
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:47,683
when you stay here?
331
00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:49,157
It pull out.
332
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,454
( Speaking Laotian )
333
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,631
No more tips.
334
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,097
What?! Well, she
can't cut us off!
335
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,429
What am I going to do
for my next column?!
336
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,470
Sorry, guess
you're on your own.
337
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,632
Hey, maybe something about
turning corn cobs into pipes?
338
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:09,709
( Groans )
339
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:12,581
Ah, the tyranny
of the blank screen.
340
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,244
Writer's block, eh?
341
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,913
When I get writer's block
I drink five cups of coffee,
342
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,788
eat five candy bars
and cross my fingers.
343
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:21,382
This may or may not help,
344
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:24,996
but when I get writer's block,
I buy a prostitute.
345
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,507
Dale, wake up.
346
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:43,912
Wha...?
347
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,610
Oh, morning, Hank.
I must've dozed off.
348
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,448
( Moans ).
Just five more minutes,
349
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:49,646
Mr. Gribble.
350
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:50,813
Bobby?
351
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:51,890
Dad?!
352
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,822
Mr. Gribble,
did you fall asleep?
353
00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:55,360
Uh, yes.
354
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:58,624
And Bobby must have climbed
in the back of my van...
355
00:14:58,731 --> 00:14:59,892
with his bike...
356
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,932
and papers.
357
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:03,227
( Chuckles nervously )
358
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,667
He made me do it!
359
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:07,240
He has some kind
of mystical hold on me!
360
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,775
It was all his idea!
361
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,842
Both of you,
362
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:12,809
outside the van, now.
363
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,512
Okay, I need a hint,
364
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:22,586
a way to make something
whiter or fresher.
365
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:23,913
Anything!
366
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,992
Come on, speak to me.
367
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:38,531
HANK ( sighs ):
1 stilf can't believe
368
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,696
Bobby cheated
on his paper route.
369
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,571
I don't even know
how to punish that.
370
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,142
Well, the pressures
of journalism
371
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,506
can be very intense.
372
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,272
Even I have felt it.
373
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,872
But today, I really knocked
one out of the park.
374
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:51,950
Good for you.
What's the hint?
375
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,449
Okay, get this:
376
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:57,580
I combined two common items
in a powerful new way.
377
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,215
I told my readers
378
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,090
to harness the cleaning
power of ammonia
379
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:04,788
with the whitening
power of bleach.
380
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,922
Ammonia and bleach?!
381
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:09,659
You told people to mix
ammonia and bleach?
382
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,498
Only if they want
bathroom fixtures
383
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,163
that shine like the sun.
384
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,536
Peggy, that's the recipe
for mustard gas!
385
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:16,767
Arlen will be covered
386
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,276
with a cloud of poison!
387
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:20,640
PEGGY:
Bwaaagh!
388
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,314
Bobby, get up.
389
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,582
I'm up!
The "s" in service stands for...
390
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,986
Not now, Bobby.
391
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:33,785
Don't worry, your mom
screwed up this time, not you.
392
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,191
HANK:
All right,
393
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:37,729
as long as we get to
the production plant
394
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:38,831
before they're
done printing,
395
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:39,898
everything'll be okay.
396
00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:42,126
Are you sure
I'm making mustard gas?
397
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:45,067
Yes. My dad used to
mix up a big batch of it
398
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,866
to celebrate V-J day.
399
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,135
Oh, God, if that article
gets out,
400
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:51,334
I am going to be
a laughingstock.
401
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,970
Peggy, there may not be
anyone left to laugh.
402
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:55,614
You really think so?
403
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,978
Oh. I see. That's bad.
404
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,987
Stop the presses!
405
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,817
Okay, the presses
406
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,890
are at the South County
production plant.
407
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,960
This is where we
insert the circulars
408
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:10,620
and Parade magazines.
409
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,323
Where's today's paper?
410
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,593
It be hitting the first
vending boxes and homes
411
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,634
in about, uh, 20 minutes.
412
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,163
I got the Lotto numbers
if that's what you're after.
413
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:23,732
( Sighs)
414
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:24,866
There's no way
the three of us
415
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,274
can collect every paper
416
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,279
before somebody
reads your hint.
417
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,871
Jim Jones.
418
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,541
Those guys with
the purple sweats.
419
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,244
And Peggy Hill.
420
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:36,444
Hey, maybe there is a way
to pick up all the papers.
421
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,184
Harv.
422
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:41,590
I don't have
time to explain,
423
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,253
but I need your help
picking up
424
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,387
every Bystander
delivered this morning.
425
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,296
Sorry. We ain't fit to be in
the newspaper biz no more.
426
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:52,130
We're in the pizza fl yer
game now.
427
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:53,170
Dang it, guys--
428
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,707
And possibly
ma'am there�-
429
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:56,741
I know how you feel
430
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,901
taken for granted
some times,
431
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,501
but you're the invisible army
432
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:03,082
that brings this town the
answers to the big questions:
433
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:05,048
Should I wear a coat today?
434
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:07,414
What will my son eat
for school lunch?
435
00:18:07,553 --> 00:18:08,816
What time
did the sun set?
436
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,946
BOBBY:
Sirs...
437
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,559
the last few days
of delivering papers
438
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,458
I've seen things
I've never seen before:
439
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,064
the sunrise,
440
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:21,099
morning dew,
snails on sidewalks--
441
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,530
Things...
442
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,103
I never want to see again.
443
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,968
Please come back.
444
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,870
If you do this,
you'll get to keep
445
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,413
whatever the paper's worth
at the recycling center.
446
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:36,571
Okay, we're in.
447
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:37,774
Let's go, people.
448
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,442
Top off your to-go cups,
449
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:42,384
and remember those
above-the-garage guest houses.
450
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,187
You think we got 'em all?
451
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,849
We know our routes.
We got'em.
452
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,756
Six tons
of newspapers.
453
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:22,953
$18.
454
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,062
( Cheering )
455
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,096
Yes!
456
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:28,257
Well, now that Arlen's
safe, what do you say
457
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,631
we all stop at the Waffle
House for some waffles?
458
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,830
You'd better drop me
at the Bystander, Hank.
459
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:35,305
I owe my readers
one last column.
460
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,569
I almost killed them,
461
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,905
and now I have to break
their hearts.
462
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,605
Peggy, have you seen
this morning's Bystander?
463
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:44,543
No.
464
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,981
Nobody has.
465
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:47,984
Channel 84 must have
gotten tired of being scooped
466
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,053
and stolen them all.
467
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,747
Well, that's not
quite the case.
468
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,847
I gotta hand it to them,
this is a real step up
469
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,790
from them toilet papering
my lawn.
470
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,953
Hey, we should go
tear down their antenna.
471
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,258
Roddy Rae, wait.
472
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:02,995
Channel 84 did not steal
our papers, I did.
473
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:06,105
I just wanted to write
for the paper so bad,
474
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,299
I didn't care where
I got my ideas.
475
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,908
Of course, the mustard gas
one was mine.
476
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,708
"In conclusion, I was so busy
trying to figure out
477
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,542
"how to remove the stains
478
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,138
"that I forgot about
the people
479
00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:19,047
who actually create them."
480
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,949
Peggy, have you heard
of a newspaper called
481
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,452
The New York Times?
482
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,818
Apparently they have
a very challenging puzzle.
483
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,791
You think they got their facts
straight all the time? No way.
484
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,225
Hell, half the time it seems
like they're making it up
485
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:31,387
as they go along.
486
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:32,931
I don't need you
for facts, Peggy,
487
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,624
we got a fact checker for that.
488
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,202
Actually, I guess
I got to let her go
489
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:37,929
in light of
this mustard gas thing,
490
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,766
but my point is you got
a nice, friendly style,
491
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:44,536
and in this business, well,
that's worth more than facts.
492
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:46,372
So, I'm not fired?
493
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,105
From your "Household Hints"
column, yes.
494
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:49,875
But you got a way of
grabbing people's attention.
495
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,108
I need that.
496
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,181
I've been wanting
to run this photo
497
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:54,753
since the county fair,
498
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:56,549
but no one's come up
with a good caption yet.
499
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,282
"Woman Skirts Disaster."
500
00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,981
Come on, give me a hard one.
501
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:03,792
Uh, let's see...
"Hat's Incredible."
502
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,589
"Jeepers Sweepers."
503
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:09,091
"Pink Ink Stinks Rink."
504
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:10,999
Hmm... wait,
give me a minute.
505
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:11,968
Give me a minute.
506
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,299
Oh, "Hold the Mayor."
507
00:21:55,381 --> 00:21:57,748
DALE: Aaaargh. Rad!
508
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:01,997
I
I
509
00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:05,021
I
I
510
00:22:05,071 --> 00:22:09,621
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