Original subtitles

There you go, captain, just the way you like it.

Oh, you're done?

Yeah, I cut it quick because I really know your head.

And I don't know what you'd do if I was ever out on maneuvers

or became a POW.

I guess I'd go to him.

Or him or him.

We're getting worried over nothing.

How'd you like to see the back?

Yep.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

[MOURNFUL SIGH]

If I never went back to work,

I don't think anyone would notice.

Sure they would, Bill,

when there's suddenly enough food to go around.

The point I'm trying to make is, you're fat.

I don't know, with all the reservists,

there's a lot of fat guys.

But guys who are as bald as you are, too?

Hey, I heard a funny joke the other day.

Uh, it was, uh, uh, wait, that was

more of an interesting grill order, I guess.

[WEAK CHUCKLE]

Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good, Hank.

Well, we've seen him like this before,

and it ended with me spending Christmas

pulling his head out of the oven.

We're gonna help him, and we're gonna start

by putting an end to all the insults.

But Hank, he's a...

No, Dale.

He knows he's bald, he knows he's got a gut,

and he knows his wife ran around on him.

He doesn't need you reminding him.

[STIFLED WHIMPER]

Uh, kinda... thought you'd gone home there, Bill.

[WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

Mom, do you know what the heck this is?

I found it in the closet, and I was gonna give it

to Joseph to burn.

My Pong!

Your what?

Pong. It's only

the single greatest video game ever invented.

So, what am I up against here --

Zombies? Serial killers? Drug dealers?

Nope. Two lines and a dot.

[MONOTONOUS BEEP]

[BEEP]

That's it?

That's the whole game?

It's even more boring than real tennis.

That's because you don't know how to put English on it!

[HIGH, LOW AND MEDIUM TONES]

"English," you say.

Bill, I'm taking you to the one place in town

that can fix whatever you got going on.

You know, the despair, and whatnot.

I'm so glad you'll be helping out

with Seniors Bingo Night.

Your main job is to wake them after the game,

and tell them where they are.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Oh, it's been so long since I met someone

who shared my interest in helping people.

Mm-hmm. I know how you feel.

[MEN SINGING]

With those strong legs,

you should be able to carry a lot of bibles, eh?

[GIGGLING]

And maybe after,

I could get you to hang some decorations.

I shouldn't be climbing ladders.

[GIRLISH GIGGLING] Oops.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

? Is when I fall in love with ?

? You ?

[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[GASPING] Who are they?

Oh, that's the Harmonaholics.

Normally they practice in the VA, but it flooded.

ALL: Harmonaholics together forever!

You know, Bill, I'm not a priest.

The church permits me to explore...

[HORN HONKING]

I am William Fontaine de La Tour Dauterive,

and I demand that you let me join you!

And why should we do that, William?

I need something like this in my life!

But why do we need you in our life?

Please! You guys are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

- And? - And ever since

the first moment I saw you inside,

I knew I had to be a part of you. Please!

Very well.

I suppose you've earned, uh, an audition! Lights!!

Let's see if you've got what it takes to be one of us.

Sing him in, boys.

? Dee-dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee ?

? I'm singin' in the rain ?

? Just singin' in the rain ?

? What a glorious feeling ?

? I'm happy again ?

Smiles!

KRIS: Hands! Hands!

? With a happy refrain ?

Balls of the feet! Diaphragm!!

? Just singin' in the rain ?

Enough!

So, I got something that's gonna cheer Bill up.

Cowboys vs. Miami.

Monday night.

[DORKY NOVELTY HORN PLAYING A SCALE]

I did it!

I'm in! I'm a Harmonaholic!

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? That nobody can deny ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

What the hell was that?

I joined a men's chorus!

[STIFLED CHORTLING]

It's called the Harmonaholics!

- More like assoholi... - Dale!

I told you to lay off Bill.

So, uh... a men's chorus. Huh.

It's great. Singing for Kris --

well, there's no way to describe it.

Oh, and the love the guys have for each other.

- [PAINED STIFLING] - Easy, Dale.

And look at these nifty uniforms.

This shirt is pretty sharp, huh?

Hank, for God's sake!

It cost me a pretty penny,

but as Kris says, "You got to spend money to make...

m-m-m-magic!"

[SCREAMING]

Well, I'm off to practice my moves.

Oh, man. Dang ol'... huh.

Well, I know we were hoping

he'd chose something a little less... god-awful,

but it seems to be keeping him out of the morgue.

All right, let's go everybody -- warm-ups.

[SINGING INTERVALS] ? La-la-la-la-la-la-la ?

Let's see those hands, Larry!

Turn and step!

Keep those finger-guns in the holsters!

Emotion, Otto, emotion!

Too much emotion!

Let's bring it in, people!

Does everyone know the most important word in this chorus?

- Pitch? - Rhythm?

Fun?

Sacrifice!

We all have a lot of competing pressures in our lives.

People are gonna tell you

there's more important things than the chorus.

[GUYS SCOFFING]

You laugh, but I've heard it all.

"I can't do the chorus; my son has a football game."

"I can't do the chorus; I have to go to work."

"I can't do the chorus; we have couples therapy."

What do we think of that, Joe?

We need to be strong!

So, what are we gonna do?!

[IN UNISON] Tuuuuuune them out!

All right, then.

Okay, let's all welcome our newbie, William.

So, William, are you wearing?

What?

Everyone in the chorus wears the same custom underwear.

It gives us a tremendous feeling of community.

I'm so sorry.

Please, please don't kick me out!

It's okay, Bill, you're new.

You see, in olden times,

brothers swore their loyalty to each other

and took an oath with their very blood.

We wear silk underpants.

Those underpants symbolize our commitment.

Like Otto here.

He flies in from Amsterdam almost every week.

But we all have stories.

What kind of underpants

do you want to put on tomorrow morning?

Silk!

[PHONE RINGING]

Military Grooming and Hygiene. Captain Hart speaking.

BILL: Good morning, Captain Hart.

I regret to inform you that I am too sick

to perform my barbering duties today.

I will need to use one of my sick days.

[PHONY COUGHING]

[VOCALIZING]

[VOCALIZING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND]

[PHONY COUGHING]

[VOCALIZING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND]

[SLOW, STEADY BEEPING OF PONG GAME]

You are going down, little man!

You got no game, Mom!

No game!

Yeah? Here I come! How you like me now?!

You're not ready? Bill's show's in an hour.

We're not going, Hank. I'm trying to teach Bobby

an important lesson... in humility.

Shee-yah!

[SLOW, STEADY BEEPING CONTINUES]

Well, it's probably a bad idea,

but I'm gonna keep an open mind.

Hey, Nancy has that same blouse.

Three adults.

You guys are big fans of the 'Holics, huh?

Uh... uh, I guess.

I love 'em too. What's your favorite song?

Uh... So, uh, so that was three adults.

I know what you're thinking -- if this guy loves them so much,

why doesn't he get off his butt and tour with them?

Well, Kris had other plans for me.

Let's face it -- if I'm sewing the names on the underwear,

that's more time for them to be focusing on the music.

And I also get to run their fan club out of my house --

The Harmonaholicholics.

Here's all the info.

What's up, Otto? You wearin'?

You know it. You wearing?

Wearin' like a baron.

Dauterive! You wearin'?

Yeah.

Wearin' like a...

flare gun?

Nice!

? If I should call you up, invest a dime ?

? And you say you belong To me and ease my mind ?

? Imagine how the world Would be, so very fine ?

? So happy together ?

[HOLDING NOTES]

? I can't see me loving nobody but you ?

? For all my life ?

? Shoo-bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop ?

? Bop-shoo-bop- shoo-bop-shoo-bop ?

? Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop- shoo-bop ?

? Bop-shoo-bop- shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop ?

? Bop-shoo-bop-shoo- bop-shoo-bop, hey! ?

[MAKING MOTORCYCLE NOISE]

Oh, thank God that's over.

KRIS: You asked for it, you got it!

One more song!

Yep.

Yup.

? Yep-yep-yep-yep- yep-yep-yep ?

Oh. Mm-hmm.

So, what'd you guys think of the show?

Normally, I'd tell you to go to my Blog,

but even that's being censored by Hank.

Maybe you should ask him.

Well, it was, uh...

you know, it had its, uh,

features and, uh...

So you're really getting something out of this, huh?

Oh, yeah, I'm so lucky.

Sometimes I can't believe

that they let a guy like me stay in the chorus.

That's why I have to sacrifice more than anyone

to let them know I deserve to be a 'Holic.

What do you mean, "sacrifice"?

Well, I spend most of my paycheck on gloves and top hats.

Both my toes have hammered because of all the dancing,

plus I used up all my sick time.

The Army thinks I've got hepatitis -- the bad one.

Wait, you're lying to the U.S. Army?

I have to do what I have to do, Hank.

The chorus demands sacrifice.

Well, sacrifice is a great thing,

for your country or family,

but you can't give your life away to these guys.

Brian did.

- Bill, you're... - No, Dale.

Bill,

I think you've...

[HUMMING]

Dang it, Bill, you're gonna listen to me.

I'm not gonna let you throw everything away

just so you can sing with a bunch of...

a bunch of... a bunch of guys.

"Guys?!"

You gotta let me in on this, Hank!

No, Dale!

But, Hank, this is my chance to be part of something special.

You have a job.

I'm not saying you shouldn't sing, if you feel you have to.

You should just keep it in perspective.

Mm, perspective.

I got you, Hank.

Dauterive,

General Murray is coming in for a haircut at 1900 hours.

But I got plans tonight.

You're not going anywhere.

You've got no vacation days,

you've got no sick days and Dawson is on maneuvers.

At 1900 hours, you better be here with a scissors in one hand

and a comb in the other or you're AWOL, you got that, sergeant?

Done.

? In a restless world like this is ?

? Love has ended Before it's begun ?

? And too many moonlight kisses ?

? Seem to cool In the warmth of the sun ?

Huh, so, uh,

I noticed a lot of those chorus guys had wives.

Yup.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'm Captain Hart.

I'm looking for Sergeant Dauterive.

Hank Hill, assistant manager, Strickland Propane.

Don't worry, I talked to Bill, sir.

He should be at his post.

Well he's not.

If Dauterive isn't at his chair by 1900 hours, he is AWOL.

He's one missed hair cut away

from a court-martial and a dishonorable discharge.

Aah, Got-dang Harmonaholics.

Okay, we've got to find Bill.

Yeah, man like a dang ol' needle in a haystack, man,

how you gonna do that, man?

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS]

Remember us from the concert?

Somehow I made my way onto your mailing list.

We need to know where the chorus went to and pronto.

You mean the PBS telethon in Dallas?

It's gonna rock!

Come on, guys. You heard him.

Let's find that station.

Hey, man, what you talkin' bout, dang ol' Cowboys

versus Dolphins, man, Monday Night, man.

Lord forgive me for saying this, but...

there will be other games.

Wait!

I can't send a Harmonaholicholic away

without at least a cup of tea.

Come on in, you guys.

You can sit on the couch Kris slept on when he missed his plane.

[SIGHS] Look.

You seem like a nice guy, so I'll tell you this

for your own good.

Judging by the two times I've met you,

your life has been a waste so far.

Forget these chorus guys

and find a nice girl or at least something

productive to do, like a stamp collection.

Your local postmaster can help you.

Here's his number.

I have this important haircut with the general.

Do you think anyone would notice if I leave early?

Uh... leave early?

[SINGING STOPS]

Did I just hear what I think I heard?

Probably. You're never wrong.

This is a chor-us, William.

Not a chor-me.

If you leave, Otto's gonna turn and sing

"I want to know what love is" to nobody!

He'll look like a fool!

[HIGH AND LOW TONES]

Don't you have homework to do?

Don't you have housework?

I gotta take a bathroom break.

Fine. Go ahead.

- But... - That's Pong, kiddo.

[LIPS MUSICALLY PULSATING]

We can only bring you this kind of quality commercial-free programming

through the generosity of viewers like you,

and McDonald's, home of the McGriddle.

McDonald's -- I'm lovin' it.

Dang it! Where is he?

? Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ?

This way!

? Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ?

I want you all to hear something.

Last week's ten is this week's seven, do you understand?

Hands in, Harmonaholics on three.

One, two...

No!

Okay, we made it.

Come on, Bill, let's get you back to the base

before you ruin your life.

But I've got the music in me, Hank.

Okay, let's all tune this out.

No. Tune me in.

Bill, you're committing a crime.

And you're abetting a crime.

A crime would be to deny the world this:

But Bill, you're gonna be AWOL!

You're gonna get court-martialed!

Okay, you guys are up.

Come on, Bill.

William.

Dang it, Bill,

why won't you just listen to reason?

Okay, Dale -- help him.

Wait, is this a trick?

Nope, let 'er rip.

Just keep it clean.

Bill!

Bill, you have to be the stupidest man

on the planet to think this is a good idea!

Have you seen what you're wearing?

That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck!

Look at you!

You're part of a 12-headed jackass!

This chorus is the feces

that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity!

You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!

Underwear!

Money!

Fat!

[PANTING]

But, I belong to something great here.

I even got a nickname -- William.

[WHEEZING]

Hank.

Bill, you already have a nickname --

Army Sergeant-Not- In-Jail-Dauterive.

Remember you asked if anyone would notice

if you didn't go to work?

Well, the Army sure noticed.

If you don't get back to cut the general's hair, you're AWOL.

The Army is going to lock you up for 30 years.

You know how much that's going to cost them?

Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I'd say that's taking notice.

But the Harmonaholics are my friends.

Are they really?

All they've asked from you is to give, give, give.

Well, friendship is a two-way street.

Heck, you know we gave up

Monday Night Football tickets to come get you?

That's a friend. Not these guys.

You're right, Hank.

I gotta get back to the general.

Let's move.

William?

William!

You. How'd you like to be a star?

Where's Sergeant Dauterive?

[PANTING]: General.

Would you like to...

to have... a seat?

You know, you're the only Army barber I let touch my hair.

Thank you, sir.

I always say the 110th has the best barber.

We fight hard, and we look good doing it.

[SLOW, STEADY BEEPING]

Well, we missed the Cowboys, but we bailed Bill out.

Oh, sorry, I guess you're in the middle of your game.

[MONOTONOUS BEEPING]

[HIGH AND LOW TONES]

[LIPS MUSICALLY PULSATING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0