Original subtitles

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See, Dale, I'm a man of my word.

You didn't cry when you got your tetanus shot,

So ice cream's on me.

How much will you guys give me

if I literally scream for ice cream?

Dude, let's run back and forth!

( Making engine noises)

Bobby! Never run in a parking lot!

Those cars look parked,

but they could be driven by slow-moving seniors.

Yes, sir. Sorry, Dad.

( Makes engine noises )

Joseph, stop that.

Yeah, in a minute.

( Makes engine noises )

Joseph, cut that out! It's dangerous.

Okay. Sorry, Mr. Hill.

Don't make Hank have to tell you again.

Okay, we're gonna take the hill.

But I'm scared, so...

We're all scared, Sarge.

Move up the hill right now!

Son, mind your table manners.

Okay. But what about Ma? I'll write your mom when you get back.

Son, I think I asked you...

WAITRESS: Oh, you gotta put that out.

No more smoking in restaurants, remember?

Excuse me? Miss, this is Texas.

Arlen passed that no-smoking ballot initiative, Dale.

Let me just finish this one.

Put it out.

But... But my rights...

I surrender!

Hut two three, back in line, son...

Outrageous.

Sure, today it's us smokers, but who tomorrow?

Pudgy white guys with strange propane fixations?

Dale, that smoking ban barely squeaked by.

But it did pass, so it's the law.

That's awfully convenient. Especially since I didn't vote.

I voted.

I guessed right four out of five times.

All right, everyone, settle. It's assignment time.

Okay, Peggy, you're all set with your Waffle House beat.

Yeah, about that, Roddy Rae.

I was thinking this week,

instead of writing something unimportant,

I could cover something important.

Change of pace.

Sorry, Peg. Now, everyone else:

The crossing guards are about to have a major contract dispute.

I call it! It's mine! Me!

Peggy, no. I need a seasoned hand on this.

Jenkins, you've got the touch.

Wanna look into this monkey business?

Monkey business is my business.

DALE: Uh, Joseph?

- Yeah? - Don't you think

you've been in there kind of a long time?

I 'unno.

It's been 40 minutes.

Maybe other people need to use the bathroom, too.

Get out of the bathroom, sug.

Sure, Mom.

When you're done, come get me.

I don't know where I'll be.

Aren't you supposed to be reporting on the Waffle House?

Why waste my time?

I can file my story now: "Nothing Happened. Again."

Roddy Rae hits the "delete" key,

and we are done for another week.

( Doorbell rings )

Oh, hey, Hank.

Listen, I just had sort of a quick question.

How do I get my son to respect me?

Well, boys need their dads to be strong role models.

You just need to, you know... be a man.

Dammit, Hank, I'm 42 years old.

It's kind of late for me to start the whole "being a man" thing.

Is there a short-cut, or at least a, a Web site?

No.

This is gonna be tough.

I can't even take that like a man.

MAN: Son? Would you reach me the toast?

Sure thing, Pop.

Bastards.

Sorry, honey, you can't smoke in here.

Can you let it go, ma'am? I've had kind of a bad day.

The lady told you to put that out.

You got a problem?

Yes, I do!

I need my smoke!

80 no, sir, I will not put this out.

I am a powerful, functional adult at the peak of his life,

who demands to be heard!

My voice is a flame that cannot be extinguished!

Give me smoking, or give me death!

( Phone rings )

Jenkins here.

At the Waffle House, eh?

Hmm. Let me see if this pony has legs...

PEGGY: Oh! Damn that Bob Jenkins!

Listen to this: "Smoking Bandit Lights Up Controversy."

"Smoking Bandit"? What's that mean?

"A mysterious Man of Menthol

"has declared a 'Battle of the Butts,'

"standing up for the smoking community

in a defiant yakkity-yakkity, around 9:00 p.m. last ni.."

( Groans )

At the Waffle House!

That is my beat, the thief!

HANK: 9.007

Hey, isn't that about the time you were eating waffles here?

Get this, sugs:

"And the Sheriff vows to prosecute this rogue,

to the fullest extent of the law."

Wow.

The... the fullest extent of the law?

Mm-hmm. That's what the Sheriff vows.

But... our extent is pretty full.

We have a death penalty in this state.

And we're not afraid to use it.

Can you imagine, sug?

Whoever this cowboy is, he's in a lot of hot water.

Well, not yet. I mean, no one took his picture, right?

Or did they? Did they... did they get a description?

Let's see... Only that he was

"as slim and white as the cigarette he so boldly enjoyed..."

Gaah, what have I done?

I've really Gribbled myself this time!

Don't you stare at me like that!

This is more heat than I can handle.

Okay, stay calm.

Just burn the evidence.

You've done it before.

Ah, that's better.

No-no-no!

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

We'll just... destroy the evidence another way.

No one will suspect Dale Gribble,

if Dale Gribble isn't a smoker.

Genius.

See? That's why I'm out here, and you're the ones in the tank.

Yep.

DALE: Morning, Bill.

Just taking out some garbage,

as per my usual routine...

Yup.

Morning, boys.

Morning, Mr. Gribble. Hey, Dad.

Nothing to see here, boys. Carry on.

You wanna melt some Legos?

Eh, maybe.

There's a cool thing in the paper

about this Smoking Bandit guy.

BOBBY: Yeah, I heard about that.

He sounded so cool.

He doesn't let the Waffle House

tell him how to live his life.

So, you really look up to him?

This Bandit fellow?

Oh, you're still here?

I just realized,

there's something important in here

that's needed back at the house.

See you later, Joseph.

Your Dad can be kind of weird sometimes.

Yeah. Let's go spit into some ant holes.

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( snoring )

Welcome to Attache. Do you have a reservation?

Oh... I'll just be at the bar.

Evening. What can I get ya?

How about...

an ashtray, my good man?

Hey! You can't do that in here!

Can't do what?

Savor the fresh, smoky air of sweet liberty?

Go ahead-- sic your storm-troopers on me.

Of course, average police response time

is roughly 28 minutes, while I am done in less than three.

I am the Smoking Bandit!

See you in the history books, people.

This is strictly a denim-and-leather bar.

You need to be wearing both denim and leather.

Gentlemen, I truly regret not meeting your dress code.

But I can't say I am sorry about this.

(gasping ) oh!

( Panting and coughing )

Wow. Yeah.

Yep.

Yup.

Bill, get that dang cigarette out of your mouth.

I'm not smoking it. I just like the look.

I'm told it's very "Bandit."

All I can say is, I wish I had the Smoking Bandit's courage.

He's the Rosa Parks of nicotine.

He's a hero, just like the guy

who rides his bicycle faster than French people.

I bet he smokes, too.

No, the Bandit's just a jackass, Bill.

And he's breaking the law, did you forget about that?

( Sighs) Why do people idolize these bad-boy idiots?

Well, you know, man, some of them talkin'

'bout them dang ol', mysterious charm...

You know, |-I have no idea, man.

People just got no sense, man, dang ol' fact.

Exactly. You can't pick and choose

what laws you want to obey.

Sure, I'd like to tape a baseball game

without the express written consent

of Major League Baseball, but that's just not the way it works.

Hello, Joseph. How's it going?

Did you hear? The Smoking Bandit struck again.

They say he stopped a Shoney's from getting robbed,

then he smoked in it!

( Chuckles )

Hey, Joseph.

So, that Bandit's pretty cool, huh?

I bet you'd like a dad like that.

Yeah, but... uh...

So... what if I were to tell you I was the Bandit?

( Snorts ) Yeah, right.

What if I told you I was an elephant?

No, really, I am.

See?

Wow...

You just made smoking seem uncool.

Well, it's late.

You should start getting ready for bed.

Nah, I'm gonna go watch TV.

I bet he'd listen to you.

( Whispers ). Need to talk.

Are you serious?

( Whispers ). Ina minute.

Well, give me the details, man.

Manners!

The Waffle House was my beat, Jenkins.

The Bandit is my story, and I want it!

Ah, Peggy, I feel terrible.

I'll tell you where the bandit will strike next...

Oh!

Channel 84.

He sent in a tape.

Some sort of video manifesto.

They always leave us for television.

I am not giving up on this.

Well, I am.

MIGUEL HERNANDEZ (on TV ): We just received a tape

from Arlen's notorious Smoking Bandit.

Your hero the band it is on TV with an important message.

Let's watch it together, as father and son.

Dad. Hand.

HERNANDEZ: The Bandit has apparently

scrambled his voice to conceal his identity.

( Squeaky, honking gibberish )

Oh, I don't understand him.

Uh, it's clear as day!

"It's cool to respect your dad and like him."

( High-pitched garbled speech )

Now he's saying, "Real rebels are the rebels

who obey their fathers."

( Scoffing ). Yeah...

( sighing )

Look at me, I'm the Celery Bandit.

Dude, you're missing the message.

You're not like the Bandit when you smoke.

You're like him when you break the law and run away.

I'm listening.

He fights back.

He disobeys unfair stuff, like, like homework,

a-and math tests,

and girls who tell other girls that I'm a dork.

Math is so unfair!

How are kids like us supposed to know all those answers?

Yeah. No one has the right

to teach us stuff we don't wanna learn.

That's what our Bill of Constitution's all about!

Okay, books away for the quiz.

Take one and hand the rest back.

Bobby? Joseph?

Did you two hear me?

We're not giving out your stupid quiz.

Yeah! We're the Math Quiz Bandits!

Uh, no.

How it works is, you take one,

and then pass the rest back.

Quizzes are unfair to kids who don't like math!

Yeah! You take your stupid quiz!

( Both laughing)

Okay... now what?

HANK: Got dang it, mister,

you're gonna explain yourself this minute!

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

You see this, Hank?

I can't have them spreading this "Bandit" nonsense

to the rest of the kids.

They're suspended.

It's that dang Smoking Bandit idiot.

He's a bad influence!

Yeah.

The Bandit is making my own son defy me even more.

It's pretty ironic.

How is that ironic?

Oh, well, uh...

I'm probably just misusing the word ironic,

as people so often do.

You know what? For our kids' sake,

the two of us have to hunt this jackass down

and turn him over to the authorities.

( Clears throat )

Yeah, this week is a little busy for me.

You want Joseph to look up to you, right?

Well, bringing in the Bandit

is how you're gonna earn your son's respect.

Uh... of course.

I... I can't wait to see the look on his face.

You know, I don't really see why

we have to go after the Bandit.

This is one of those things

that's funner to talk about than actually do.

( Horn blaring )

( Rap music blasting )

That is why we're going after this guy.

Where are you boys off to?

To catch the Bandit.

Oh, I started some fresh ice,

so don't jostle the trays.

Roddy Rae?

Hold the front page!

Headline: "Peggy Hill Captures Smoking Bandit!"

Well, no, not yet.

Well, I have to capture him first.

I can't believe we'll get to meet the bandit!

Do you think he's a match man or a lighter man?

If he beats up our dads,

do you think he'll let us live with him?

Sure, he's a hero to you now,

but when we rip that cigarette out of that guy's mouth,

he'll probably stick his thumb in it.

Right, Dale?

( Stuttering )

Okay,

here's Attach�.

Let's get started.

But that was one of the Bandit's first strikes.

You think he's likely to repeat himself?

Don't they say criminals

always return to the scene of the crime?

Uh, not if they don't want to get caught, Hank.

What do you think we should do?

Well, if you study the Bandit's hits,

he strikes north to south in a childish grid formation,

so we should try... there.

Yo. Can't let you in wearing work boots.

That's why I wear black patent leather

rubber soled watchmen's oxfords.

Classy, easy to run in,

and they satisfy all

but the most discriminating of doormen.

Huh.

You know a lot about bars and shoes.

Okay, now we move deeper into the night.

Everyone put on your leather work gloves,

in case he's a biter.

Hey, your dad hunts people like animals.

Yeah. Cool.

Your name's not on the list.

Excuse me, you do not know my name.

Okay, what's your name?

Peggy Hill, Arlen Bystander.

Not on the list.

So, it's like that?

All right, mister, I lied.

My name is Anna Beth Fitzwater.

Go on, check the list.

You're not on it.

Fine.

I'm really Professor Helen Marriot Booth,

and I've got all night.

Okay, kids, let's assess.

The Bandit wants his smoking to be noticed.

That club's dance floor has a smoke machine.

Would the Bandit strike there?

No, sir.

He'd go somewhere more...

somewhere else.

Smart lad.

So, do we move down the street in formation, or not?

Um... I, I, I think, uh... no?

Exactly!

Because we don't want to look like we're searching for him.

What should we do?

You want me to tell you what to do...

so you can do it?

Well, yeah, dude.

I mean, Dad.

Uh... give me a second.

I think I just got a bottle cap in my eye.

All right, what do you say we call it a night?

But I still want to meet the Bandit!

Yeah, I want to see him get his smoke on.

Look, Dale, I know Joseph is acting right tonight,

but he still idolizes this guy.

If we don't finish this job,

you're going to be right back to where you were last week.

Stuck outside my own bathroom.

But catching this guy is gonna be hard.

Or maybe not.

Tell you what: I'm gonna head in there,

on a scouting mission.

Son, hold these for me.

You guys meet me in the alley.

Hello? Anyone here?

No.

Perfect.

DALE: Hank, quick!

I found the Bandit!

He dropped this, then fled into the john.

I'm going in.

Kids, guard the door.

Hank, make sure that bartender doesn't butt in.

Be careful, Dad.

Okay, Bandit... freeze!

( Shouting, grunting )

Oh, yeah?

( Grunting )

Take that!

(crying)

I caught him wriggling out the window.

He's kind of pitiful.

Maybe we should let him go.

No way! Hey, let's give him a swirly!

Let's give him an atomic wedgie!

Or let him go.

Dang it, Dale, the whole point of coming out here

was to show the boys this guy's sniveling, frightened face.

Uh... uh, yeah.

Well, maybe we, uh, maybe we should let the Bandit go.

But does the Bandit swear

that he will never, ever do anything this asinine again

or I will kick his ass?

Hold on, I'll ask him.

Bandit, do you understand,

so on and so forth?

He's nodding in agreement.

DALE: Go on! Git!

Aw, quit your crying and just scram.

The Bandit is gone. For good.

To make sure, I confiscated his cigs.

I can't believe I thought the Bandit was cool.

You know who's cool?

That rapper with the bullet in his nose--

Bullet Nose.

Yeah, one wrong sneeze and the whole joint goes up.

The bullets will still be there tomorrow, kids.

But right now, it's bedtime.

After flossing

and eating your vegetables.

- Sure, Dad. - Okay.

Priscilla Pemelman.

These kids are getting antsy.

Not on the list.

Constance Keegan.

No.

Elizabeth Sang wood That her ton

Millicent "Millie"

Mitchell-Waterburg, Duchess of...

Fine. $12 cover.

Oh... I don't have any money.

DALE: See you in the history books people.

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