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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,990
I
I
2
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,900
See, Dale,
I'm a man of my word.
3
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,869
You didn't cry when you got
your tetanus shot,
4
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:40,303
So ice cream's on me.
5
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,033
How much will you guys give me
6
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:44,304
if I literally scream
for ice cream?
7
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,673
Dude, let's run
back and forth!
8
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:49,274
( Making engine noises)
9
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,281
Bobby! Never run
in a parking lot!
10
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,853
Those cars look parked,
11
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:55,752
but they could be driven
by slow-moving seniors.
12
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:57,085
Yes, sir.
Sorry, Dad.
13
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:58,157
( Makes engine noises )
14
00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,225
Joseph, stop that.
15
00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:00,986
Yeah, in a minute.
16
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:02,562
( Makes engine noises )
17
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,188
Joseph, cut that out!
It's dangerous.
18
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,824
Okay.
Sorry, Mr. Hill.
19
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,369
Don't make Hank
have to tell you again.
20
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,840
Okay, we're gonna
take the hill.
21
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:14,999
But I'm
scared, so...
22
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,303
We're all
scared, Sarge.
23
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:17,535
Move up the hill
right now!
24
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:19,907
Son, mind your
table manners.
25
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,243
Okay. But what about Ma? I'll
write your mom when you get back.
26
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:25,341
Son, I think I asked you...
27
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:28,011
WAITRESS: Oh,
you gotta put that out.
28
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:31,147
No more smoking
in restaurants, remember?
29
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,556
Excuse me?
Miss, this is Texas.
30
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,720
Arlen passed that no-smoking
ballot initiative, Dale.
31
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,423
Let me just finish this one.
32
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:39,794
Put it out.
33
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:44,296
But... But my rights...
34
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,832
I surrender!
35
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,604
Hut two three,
back in line, son...
36
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,304
Outrageous.
37
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:59,980
Sure, today it's us smokers,
but who tomorrow?
38
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,284
Pudgy white guys with
strange propane fixations?
39
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:06,985
Dale, that smoking ban
barely squeaked by.
40
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,153
But it did pass,
so it's the law.
41
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:12,926
That's awfully convenient.
Especially since I didn't vote.
42
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,262
I voted.
43
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,836
I guessed right four
out of five times.
44
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:22,205
All right, everyone, settle.
It's assignment time.
45
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,674
Okay, Peggy, you're all set
with your Waffle House beat.
46
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,507
Yeah, about that, Roddy Rae.
47
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,308
I was thinking this week,
48
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:30,884
instead of writing
something unimportant,
49
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,043
I could cover
something important.
50
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,348
Change of pace.
51
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:35,819
Sorry, Peg.
Now, everyone else:
52
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:39,290
The crossing guards are about to
have a major contract dispute.
53
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,259
I call it! It's mine! Me!
54
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,557
Peggy, no.
I need a seasoned hand on this.
55
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,189
Jenkins, you've got the touch.
56
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:47,356
Wanna look into
this monkey business?
57
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:51,068
Monkey business
is my business.
58
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,042
DALE:
Uh, Joseph?
59
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,440
- Yeah?
- Don't you think
60
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,706
you've been in there
kind of a long time?
61
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:00,779
I 'unno.
62
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,382
It's been 40 minutes.
63
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,314
Maybe other people need
to use the bathroom, too.
64
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,647
Get out of the
bathroom, sug.
65
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:06,913
Sure, Mom.
66
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,317
When you're done,
come get me.
67
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,956
I don't know
where I'll be.
68
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,553
Aren't you supposed to be
reporting on the Waffle House?
69
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:17,960
Why waste my time?
70
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,864
I can file my story now:
"Nothing Happened. Again."
71
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,992
Roddy Rae hits
the "delete" key,
72
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,037
and we are done
for another week.
73
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,038
( Doorbell rings )
74
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,204
Oh, hey, Hank.
75
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,903
Listen, I just had sort
of a quick question.
76
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,515
How do I get my
son to respect me?
77
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:39,518
Well, boys need their dads
to be strong role models.
78
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,589
You just need to,
you know... be a man.
79
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,782
Dammit, Hank,
I'm 42 years old.
80
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,725
It's kind of late for me to start
the whole "being a man" thing.
81
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,662
Is there a short-cut,
or at least a, a Web site?
82
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:52,731
No.
83
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,301
This is gonna be tough.
84
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,199
I can't even take that
like a man.
85
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,541
MAN: Son? Would
you reach me the toast?
86
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,008
Sure thing, Pop.
87
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:07,479
Bastards.
88
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,573
Sorry, honey, you
can't smoke in here.
89
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:13,778
Can you let it go, ma'am?
I've had kind of a bad day.
90
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,752
The lady told you
to put that out.
91
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,219
You got a problem?
92
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,462
Yes, I do!
93
00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,255
I need my smoke!
94
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:27,058
80 no, sir,
I will not put this out.
95
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,230
I am a powerful, functional
adult at the peak of his life,
96
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,997
who demands to be heard!
97
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,599
My voice is a flame that cannot
be extinguished!
98
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,174
Give me smoking,
or give me death!
99
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:50,914
( Phone rings )
100
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,355
Jenkins here.
101
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,791
At the Waffle House, eh?
102
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:58,659
Hmm. Let me see if this
pony has legs...
103
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,159
PEGGY:
Oh! Damn that Bob Jenkins!
104
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:06,000
Listen to this: "Smoking Bandit
Lights Up Controversy."
105
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,541
"Smoking Bandit"?
What's that mean?
106
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,336
"A mysterious Man of Menthol
107
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,343
"has declared a
'Battle of the Butts,'
108
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,777
"standing up for
the smoking community
109
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,850
in a defiant yakkity-yakkity,
around 9:00 p.m. last ni.."
110
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:18,941
( Groans )
111
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:20,280
At the Waffle House!
112
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,946
That is my beat, the thief!
113
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,716
HANK:
9.007
114
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,586
Hey, isn't that about the time
you were eating waffles here?
115
00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:31,626
Get this, sugs:
116
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,029
"And the Sheriff vows to
prosecute this rogue,
117
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,693
to the fullest
extent of the law."
118
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,361
Wow.
119
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,666
The... the fullest
extent of the law?
120
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:41,865
Mm-hmm.
That's what the Sheriff vows.
121
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,636
But... our extent
is pretty full.
122
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:45,802
We have a death penalty
in this state.
123
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,471
And we're not afraid to use it.
124
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,912
Can you imagine, sug?
125
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,313
Whoever this cowboy is,
he's in a lot of hot water.
126
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,648
Well, not yet. I mean, no one
took his picture, right?
127
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,949
Or did they? Did they...
did they get a description?
128
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,320
Let's see...
Only that he was
129
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:02,953
"as slim and white as the
cigarette he so boldly enjoyed..."
130
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,655
Gaah, what have I done?
131
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,667
I've really Gribbled myself
this time!
132
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,498
Don't you stare at me like that!
133
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,834
This is more heat
than I can handle.
134
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:14,998
Okay, stay calm.
135
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,507
Just burn the evidence.
136
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:17,940
You've done it before.
137
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,512
Ah, that's better.
138
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:20,670
No-no-no!
139
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,748
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
140
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,183
We'll just... destroy
the evidence another way.
141
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,993
No one will suspect
Dale Gribble,
142
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,721
if Dale Gribble isn't a smoker.
143
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,627
Genius.
144
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:42,065
See? That's why I'm out here,
and you're the ones in the tank.
145
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,439
Yep.
146
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:47,870
DALE:
Morning, Bill.
147
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:49,840
Just taking out some garbage,
148
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,002
as per my usual routine...
149
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:52,943
Yup.
150
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,444
Morning, boys.
151
00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:55,946
Morning, Mr. Gribble.
Hey, Dad.
152
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,073
Nothing to see here, boys.
Carry on.
153
00:06:58,184 --> 00:06:59,674
You wanna melt some Legos?
154
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:00,776
Eh, maybe.
155
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,753
There's a cool thing
in the paper
156
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,290
about this Smoking Bandit guy.
157
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,120
BOBBY:
Yeah, I heard about that.
158
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,318
He sounded so cool.
159
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,191
He doesn't let
the Waffle House
160
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,921
tell him how
to live his life.
161
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,624
So, you really look up
to him?
162
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:13,858
This Bandit fellow?
163
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:14,865
Oh, you're still here?
164
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,433
I just realized,
165
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,835
there's something
important in here
166
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,204
that's needed back
at the house.
167
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,808
See you later, Joseph.
168
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,677
Your Dad can be
kind of weird sometimes.
169
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:32,650
Yeah. Let's go spit
into some ant holes.
170
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:47,025
I
I
171
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,261
( snoring )
172
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,253
Welcome to Attache.
Do you have a reservation?
173
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,617
Oh... I'll just
be at the bar.
174
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,684
Evening.
What can I get ya?
175
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,021
How about...
176
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,527
an ashtray, my good man?
177
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,028
Hey! You can't do that in here!
178
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:24,264
Can't do what?
179
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:27,999
Savor the fresh, smoky
air of sweet liberty?
180
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:31,237
Go ahead-- sic your
storm-troopers on me.
181
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,041
Of course, average police
response time
182
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:37,845
is roughly 28 minutes, while I
am done in less than three.
183
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,012
I am the Smoking Bandit!
184
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,986
See you in
the history books, people.
185
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,725
This is strictly
a denim-and-leather bar.
186
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,356
You need to be wearing
both denim and leather.
187
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:57,403
Gentlemen, I truly regret
not meeting your dress code.
188
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,098
But I can't say I am
sorry about this.
189
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,639
(gasping )
oh!
190
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,273
( Panting and coughing )
191
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,715
Wow.
Yeah.
192
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,351
Yep.
193
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,923
Yup.
194
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,583
Bill, get that dang cigarette
out of your mouth.
195
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,423
I'm not smoking it.
I just like the look.
196
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,326
I'm told it's very "Bandit."
197
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:28,095
All I can say is, I wish I had
the Smoking Bandit's courage.
198
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,032
He's the Rosa Parks of nicotine.
199
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,070
He's a hero,
just like the guy
200
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,902
who rides his bicycle
faster than French people.
201
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:36,270
I bet he smokes, too.
202
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,674
No, the Bandit's
just a jackass, Bill.
203
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:42,145
And he's breaking the law,
did you forget about that?
204
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,843
( Sighs) Why do people
idolize these bad-boy idiots?
205
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,716
Well, you know, man,
some of them talkin'
206
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:49,413
'bout them dang ol',
mysterious charm...
207
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,418
You know, |-I have no idea, man.
208
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,857
People just got no sense, man,
dang ol' fact.
209
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,985
Exactly. You can't pick
and choose
210
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,826
what laws you want to obey.
211
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,990
Sure, I'd like to tape
a baseball game
212
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,433
without the express
written consent
213
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,699
of Major League Baseball, but
that's just not the way it works.
214
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:09,035
Hello, Joseph.
How's it going?
215
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,406
Did you hear?
The Smoking Bandit struck again.
216
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:14,173
They say he stopped
a Shoney's from getting robbed,
217
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,372
then he smoked in it!
218
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,491
( Chuckles )
219
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:27,958
Hey, Joseph.
220
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,052
So, that Bandit's
pretty cool, huh?
221
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:32,221
I bet you'd like
a dad like that.
222
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,094
Yeah, but... uh...
223
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:38,228
So... what if I were to tell you
I was the Bandit?
224
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,703
( Snorts )
Yeah, right.
225
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,841
What if I told you
I was an elephant?
226
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:44,808
No, really, I am.
227
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:46,401
See?
228
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,776
Wow...
229
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,542
You just made smoking
seem uncool.
230
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:54,177
Well, it's late.
231
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,116
You should start
getting ready for bed.
232
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,589
Nah, I'm gonna go watch TV.
233
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,252
I bet he'd listen to you.
234
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,569
( Whispers ).
Need to talk.
235
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,898
Are you serious?
236
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,095
( Whispers ).
Ina minute.
237
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:14,229
Well, give me the details, man.
238
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,933
Manners!
239
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:17,907
The Waffle House
was my beat, Jenkins.
240
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:21,275
The Bandit is my story,
and I want it!
241
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,907
Ah, Peggy,
I feel terrible.
242
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,451
I'll tell you where the
bandit will strike next...
243
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,179
Oh!
244
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,311
Channel 84.
245
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,947
He sent in a tape.
246
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:33,719
Some sort of video manifesto.
247
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,464
They always leave us
for television.
248
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,363
I am not
giving up on this.
249
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,561
Well, I am.
250
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:48,235
MIGUEL HERNANDEZ (on TV ):
We just received a tape
251
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:51,311
from Arlen's notorious
Smoking Bandit.
252
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,778
Your hero the band it is on TV
with an important message.
253
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:57,246
Let's watch it together,
as father and son.
254
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,648
Dad. Hand.
255
00:11:59,752 --> 00:12:00,981
HERNANDEZ:
The Bandit has apparently
256
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,589
scrambled his voice
to conceal his identity.
257
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,921
( Squeaky, honking gibberish )
258
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:09,654
Oh, I don't
understand him.
259
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,593
Uh, it's clear as day!
260
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:15,259
"It's cool to respect
your dad and like him."
261
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,995
( High-pitched garbled speech )
262
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,505
Now he's saying,
"Real rebels are the rebels
263
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,698
who obey their fathers."
264
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:23,706
( Scoffing ).
Yeah...
265
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,642
( sighing )
266
00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:33,679
Look at me, I'm
the Celery Bandit.
267
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,481
Dude, you're missing
the message.
268
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,488
You're not like the Bandit
when you smoke.
269
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,991
You're like him when
you break the law and run away.
270
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:41,389
I'm listening.
271
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,984
He fights back.
272
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,622
He disobeys unfair stuff,
like, like homework,
273
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,255
a-and math tests,
274
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,892
and girls who tell other girls
that I'm a dork.
275
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,834
Math is so unfair!
276
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,805
How are kids like us supposed
to know all those answers?
277
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:56,705
Yeah. No one
has the right
278
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,605
to teach us stuff
we don't wanna learn.
279
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:01,237
That's what our Bill of
Constitution's all about!
280
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,621
Okay, books away
for the quiz.
281
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,952
Take one and hand
the rest back.
282
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:13,492
Bobby? Joseph?
283
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:14,583
Did you two hear me?
284
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,355
We're not giving out
your stupid quiz.
285
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,363
Yeah! We're the
Math Quiz Bandits!
286
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:20,660
Uh, no.
287
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,665
How it works is,
you take one,
288
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:24,166
and then pass the rest back.
289
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,296
Quizzes are unfair to
kids who don't like math!
290
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,034
Yeah!
You take your stupid quiz!
291
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,079
( Both laughing)
292
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,411
Okay... now what?
293
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:43,886
HANK:
Got dang it, mister,
294
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,924
you're gonna explain yourself
this minute!
295
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:49,821
Look at me
when I'm talking to you!
296
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:51,191
You see this,
Hank?
297
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:53,356
I can't have them spreading
this "Bandit" nonsense
298
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:54,865
to the rest
of the kids.
299
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,298
They're suspended.
300
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,469
It's that dang
Smoking Bandit idiot.
301
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,064
He's a bad influence!
302
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,507
Yeah.
303
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,045
The Bandit is making
my own son defy me even more.
304
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,477
It's pretty ironic.
305
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,071
How is that ironic?
306
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,275
Oh, well, uh...
307
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,910
I'm probably just
misusing the word ironic,
308
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,886
as people so often do.
309
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,979
You know what?
For our kids' sake,
310
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:20,320
the two of us have to
hunt this jackass down
311
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,019
and turn him over
to the authorities.
312
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:23,788
( Clears throat )
313
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:25,728
Yeah, this week
is a little busy for me.
314
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,959
You want Joseph to look
up to you, right?
315
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,398
Well, bringing
in the Bandit
316
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,698
is how you're gonna earn
your son's respect.
317
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,305
Uh... of course.
318
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:36,704
I... I can't wait to see
the look on his face.
319
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,375
You know,
I don't really see why
320
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,679
we have to go after the Bandit.
321
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:47,947
This is one of those things
322
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,148
that's funner to talk about
than actually do.
323
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:52,520
( Horn blaring )
324
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,526
( Rap music blasting )
325
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,654
That is why we're
going after this guy.
326
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:01,165
Where are you boys
off to?
327
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:02,291
To catch the Bandit.
328
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,870
Oh, I started some fresh ice,
329
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:06,597
so don't jostle the trays.
330
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,241
Roddy Rae?
331
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,539
Hold the front page!
332
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:17,149
Headline: "Peggy Hill Captures
Smoking Bandit!"
333
00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:18,773
Well, no, not yet.
334
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,579
Well, I have to capture him
first.
335
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,949
I can't believe we'll
get to meet the bandit!
336
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:30,154
Do you think he's a match
man or a lighter man?
337
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,389
If he beats up our dads,
338
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:32,726
do you think he'll let us
live with him?
339
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,357
Sure, he's a hero
to you now,
340
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,596
but when we rip that cigarette
out of that guy's mouth,
341
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:38,670
he'll probably
stick his thumb in it.
342
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:39,499
Right, Dale?
343
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,107
( Stuttering )
344
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:44,742
Okay,
345
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:45,810
here's Attach�.
346
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,073
Let's get started.
347
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,342
But that was one of the Bandit's
first strikes.
348
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,246
You think he's likely
to repeat himself?
349
00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:52,749
Don't they say criminals
350
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,944
always return
to the scene of the crime?
351
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,580
Uh, not if they don't
want to get caught, Hank.
352
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,020
What do you think we should do?
353
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,422
Well, if you study
the Bandit's hits,
354
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:04,963
he strikes north to south
in a childish grid formation,
355
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,590
so we should try...
there.
356
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,672
Yo. Can't let you in
wearing work boots.
357
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,945
That's why I wear
black patent leather
358
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:22,343
rubber soled
watchmen's oxfords.
359
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,348
Classy, easy to run in,
360
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,713
and they satisfy all
361
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,183
but the most discriminating
of doormen.
362
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,583
Huh.
363
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,813
You know a lot about bars
and shoes.
364
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,456
Okay, now we move deeper
into the night.
365
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,791
Everyone put on
your leather work gloves,
366
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,387
in case he's a biter.
367
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:43,094
Hey, your dad hunts
people like animals.
368
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,295
Yeah. Cool.
369
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,570
Your name's
not on the list.
370
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,978
Excuse me, you do
not know my name.
371
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,448
Okay,
what's your name?
372
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,953
Peggy Hill, Arlen Bystander.
373
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:03,112
Not on the list.
374
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:04,553
So, it's like that?
375
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,590
All right, mister,
I lied.
376
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:09,251
My name is Anna Beth
Fitzwater.
377
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:11,193
Go on, check the list.
378
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:12,162
You're not on it.
379
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,528
Fine.
380
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,567
I'm really Professor
Helen Marriot Booth,
381
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:18,033
and I've got all night.
382
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,534
Okay, kids,
let's assess.
383
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,734
The Bandit wants his smoking
to be noticed.
384
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,848
That club's dance floor
has a smoke machine.
385
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,780
Would the Bandit
strike there?
386
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:31,907
No, sir.
387
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,679
He'd go somewhere more...
388
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,117
somewhere else.
389
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,189
Smart lad.
390
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:40,588
So, do we move down the street
in formation, or not?
391
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,321
Um... I, I, I think,
uh... no?
392
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,125
Exactly!
393
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,291
Because we don't want to look
like we're searching for him.
394
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:49,560
What should we do?
395
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,467
You want me
to tell you what to do...
396
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,266
so you can do it?
397
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,465
Well, yeah, dude.
398
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,043
I mean, Dad.
399
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,640
Uh... give me a second.
400
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:05,249
I think I just got
a bottle cap in my eye.
401
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:07,786
All right, what do you say
we call it a night?
402
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,820
But I still want
to meet the Bandit!
403
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,184
Yeah, I want to see him
get his smoke on.
404
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,521
Look, Dale, I know Joseph
is acting right tonight,
405
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,122
but he still idolizes
this guy.
406
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,597
If we don't finish this job,
407
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,668
you're going to be right back
to where you were last week.
408
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,773
Stuck outside
my own bathroom.
409
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,340
But catching this guy
is gonna be hard.
410
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,810
Or maybe not.
411
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,572
Tell you what:
I'm gonna head in there,
412
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,112
on a scouting mission.
413
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,274
Son, hold these for me.
414
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,178
You guys meet me
in the alley.
415
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,456
Hello?
Anyone here?
416
00:18:51,597 --> 00:18:53,588
No.
417
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,330
Perfect.
418
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:05,467
DALE:
Hank, quick!
419
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,706
I found the Bandit!
420
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,983
He dropped this,
then fled into the john.
421
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,312
I'm going in.
422
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:13,943
Kids, guard the door.
423
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,078
Hank, make sure that bartender
doesn't butt in.
424
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,553
Be careful, Dad.
425
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,852
Okay, Bandit... freeze!
426
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,862
( Shouting, grunting )
427
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:26,794
Oh, yeah?
428
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,094
( Grunting )
429
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:29,497
Take that!
430
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:32,832
(crying)
431
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:35,999
I caught him
wriggling out the window.
432
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:37,872
He's kind of pitiful.
433
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,502
Maybe we should let him go.
434
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,875
No way! Hey, let's
give him a swirly!
435
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,779
Let's give him
an atomic wedgie!
436
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,111
Or let him go.
437
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:47,151
Dang it, Dale, the whole
point of coming out here
438
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:50,983
was to show the boys this
guy's sniveling, frightened face.
439
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,757
Uh... uh, yeah.
440
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:03,424
Well, maybe we, uh, maybe we
should let the Bandit go.
441
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,034
But does the Bandit swear
442
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:09,506
that he will never, ever do
anything this asinine again
443
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,508
or I will kick his ass?
444
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,134
Hold on, I'll ask him.
445
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,270
Bandit,
do you understand,
446
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,849
so on and so forth?
447
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,577
He's nodding in agreement.
448
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,516
DALE:
Go on! Git!
449
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,555
Aw, quit your crying
and just scram.
450
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,954
The Bandit is gone.
For good.
451
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,654
To make sure,
I confiscated his cigs.
452
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:34,027
I can't believe I thought
the Bandit was cool.
453
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,463
You know who's cool?
454
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,399
That rapper with the
bullet in his nose--
455
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:38,993
Bullet Nose.
456
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,870
Yeah, one wrong sneeze
and the whole joint goes up.
457
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:44,102
The bullets will still
be there tomorrow, kids.
458
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,075
But right now,
it's bedtime.
459
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,543
After flossing
460
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:49,238
and eating
your vegetables.
461
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,509
- Sure, Dad.
- Okay.
462
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,819
Priscilla Pemelman.
463
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,686
These kids are getting antsy.
464
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,920
Not on the list.
465
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:03,358
Constance Keegan.
466
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,588
No.
467
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,391
Elizabeth Sang wood
That her ton
468
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:08,058
Millicent "Millie"
469
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,294
Mitchell-Waterburg,
Duchess of...
470
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:13,063
Fine.
$12 cover.
471
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,533
Oh... I don't have any money.
472
00:21:55,281 --> 00:21:57,875
DALE: See you in the
history books people.
473
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:03,031
I
I
474
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,318
I
I
475
00:22:04,368 --> 00:22:08,918
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