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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,865
I
I
2
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,140
The worst part
of going on vacation
3
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,937
is the look on her face
when we head out the door.
4
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:46,102
Are we talking about
Lady Bird or Peggy?
5
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,442
( Barks)
6
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,344
Whoa, down girl.
7
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:50,981
Hi, guys!
8
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,350
Meet my new
friend, Buster.
9
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,513
Say hello, Buster.
10
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,524
Pretty dog.
Weak handshake.
11
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,288
Buster, play.
12
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,557
Boy, Bill,
13
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,665
that is a
magnificent animal.
14
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,064
Yeah, I got him through
a new military program
15
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,966
where you adopt
the pet of a G.I.
16
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,366
while he's on
his tour of duty.
17
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,734
Well, all right.
18
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,431
That's a great way
to serve our country:
19
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:17,270
supporting our enlisted men
one dog at a time.
20
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:19,309
Hey, I was just going to take
Lady Bird up to the lake.
21
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,277
You and Buster
want to come along?
22
00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:25,011
Sorry, Buster does his community
service at the VFW today.
23
00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:26,677
Some of those old guys
24
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,651
haven't felt a tongue
on their face for years.
25
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:29,881
Here, boy.
26
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:32,152
Hey, Bill, can civilians
get in on this,
27
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,317
or is it just a perk
for the Armed Forces?
28
00:01:34,461 --> 00:01:35,724
Anyone can do it.
29
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:37,694
All you have to do
is take a pledge
30
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,495
to "perform all functions
necessary and possible
31
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,228
for the animal's well-being."
32
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,304
A pledge?!
33
00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:48,136
PEGGY: Okay. Now, we start
here two weeks from today.
34
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:51,370
We drive 400 miles and
catch a riverboat tour
35
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:53,309
up the mighty Mississip.
36
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:56,178
Then it is on to Graceland
in Memphis,
37
00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:59,342
and then to the Cowboys/Titans
game in Nashville!
38
00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,648
And on the way back,
we get to stop
39
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,348
at Willis'
Famous Barbecue
40
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,924
where the ribs
fall off the bone
41
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,048
or your money back!
42
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,992
Now, Bobby,
Memphis to Nashville,
43
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,188
that's a long stretch
without a rest stop.
44
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,890
I'm already training!
45
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,490
I've had four
glasses of water today.
46
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,831
It's been two hours
and nine minutes,
47
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:17,733
and I feel fine!
48
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:18,837
Peggy! Bobby!
49
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,429
Great news!
50
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,737
We can adopt the dog of a G.I.
while he's on his tour of duty.
51
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,538
I... I don't know, Hank.
Another dog?
52
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,274
Not just any dog,
the dog of a soldier.
53
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,283
Come on, think about
our patriotic duty.
54
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,251
I'll take care of it, I promise.
55
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,447
I'll do everything.
You won't even know it's here.
56
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:37,956
We are going on vacation
in two weeks.
57
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,957
We're gonna have to board
Lady Bird as it is...
58
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,151
Don't worry.
59
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,126
I told the military
we can't take the dog
60
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,096
until after we get back
from our trip.
61
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:48,293
Well, as long as it doesn't
interfere with the vacation,
62
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,301
I suppose it's...
63
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,269
All right!
64
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,863
It's nice
to see him so happy.
65
00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:57,876
A koozie?
66
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,571
Since when are you
so fancy all of a sudden?
67
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,182
You too good for us now?
68
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,646
HANK:
Hey, guys.
69
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:07,015
You are looking at a guy
who has just been approved
70
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,111
for the G.I.
Foster Pet Program.
71
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,417
- Yay!
- Way to go, man.
72
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,288
Do you know what kind
of dog you're getting?
73
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,053
No, but his name's Duke.
74
00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:17,756
You tell me a dog named Duke
won't take a bullet for you.
75
00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:23,666
This is so amazing!
76
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,295
He knew it was empty.
77
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,939
Oh, how the mighty
have fallen.
78
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:35,380
We don't have to go
through Oklahoma.
79
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,244
( Phone ringing )
80
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:38,476
Hill residence.
81
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,644
This is Army
Sergeant Williamson.
82
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,018
We're going to need you
to take possession of Duke
83
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,955
between 0900 and 0915
tomorrow morning.
84
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:48,027
What? But I thought
I made it very clear
85
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,254
that we didn't want Duke
86
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,763
until after we got back
from our vacation.
87
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,401
Patriotism doesn't take
a vacation, sir.
88
00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,101
This is the smallest bottle
of Prell that I have ever seen.
89
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,868
Check out the lotion.
90
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,841
Dang it--
I just used it all.
91
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,036
Uh...
92
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:08,115
I got a call
from the Armed Forces...
93
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,946
Duke is coming a little
earlier than expected.
94
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,813
Uh, like tomorrow.
95
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,478
But we're leaving
in less than a week.
96
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,852
You just call them back
and tell them it's too early.
97
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,049
Don't worry.
98
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,887
I talked to the guy
who owns the farm
99
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,427
where Lady Bird
is going to stay,
100
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:24,725
and he says another dog
would be no problem.
101
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,492
Why do we need
toilet seat covers?
102
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,865
One word: Tennessee.
103
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,971
They'll be here any second.
104
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,336
Is everybody ready?
105
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,739
You're uh...
You're wearing that?
106
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:38,707
Dog, Hank.
107
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,745
It's a dog.
Carl
108
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,712
Hey, Bill. My dog is about
to be delivered.
109
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,513
That's great.
110
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,281
I just got a gift basket
from my G.1..
111
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:52,450
Get this: He's a Blue Angel.
112
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,425
He's the one that
made France mad
113
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,997
by flying under
the Eiffel Tower.
114
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,600
Oh, my God, they're here!
115
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,547
Good morning, Mr. Hill.
116
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:17,878
On behalf of the Armed Forces,
thank you for your generosity.
117
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,713
I present to you... Duke.
118
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,519
Come here, boy.
119
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,502
( Snarling )
( shudders )
120
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,070
( Screams )
121
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,232
( Snarling and hissing )
122
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,736
DALE:
Uh, Hank,
123
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,433
looks like that cat
ate your dog.
124
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,114
I
I
125
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,811
Uh, about Duke...
126
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:53,943
he's a cat.
127
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,452
I was supposed to get a dog.
128
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:56,522
My neighbor got a dog.
129
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,454
Yeah, and I wanted
to be an F-18 pilot.
130
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,890
One psych exam later
I'm delivering you a cat.
131
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:03,556
Uh, oh, wait.
132
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,926
I already have a dog.
133
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,931
So a cat would be in danger.
134
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,627
That would be
treason, right?
135
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,067
Sir, is this your
signature here, sir?
136
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,239
Yes.
137
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,739
And is this your two page
addendum
138
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,034
stating how it would be
your honor
139
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:17,473
to fulfill
your patriotic duty?
140
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,341
I believe you quoted
"The Star-Spangled Banner"
141
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:20,640
in its entirety.
142
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,477
Huh...
143
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,751
Dad!
144
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:33,650
Cat?!
145
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,664
Okay, this won't be so bad.
146
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,825
I bet while we're gone
we can board Duke
147
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,562
for just
a few more dollars a day.
148
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:47,640
Lovely. And in the meantime,
where are we going to keep this?
149
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,438
Well, Private Hennessey
left us an information dossier
150
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:51,567
we're supposed to follow.
151
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:52,735
Let's see what he says.
152
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,314
BOBBY:
Mom, look out!
153
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,644
Ohh...
154
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:58,951
Yep.
155
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,280
Yup.
156
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:01,616
Mm-hmm.
157
00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:03,852
Get!
158
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,353
Hank, looks like the cat
is out of the bag.
159
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:09,656
( Chuckling )
160
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,924
Oh...
161
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,329
this has been
a cat-astrophe!
162
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:15,827
( Both laughing)
163
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,701
Uh, cat... ... uh...
164
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,271
You got a cat!
165
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:21,636
( Speaking gibberish )
166
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,869
So, one of our fighting men
has a cat?
167
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:24,910
What of it?
168
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:25,910
Hey, guys.
169
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:28,640
Wow, you two
are looking good.
170
00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:31,376
I see the perfect fusion
of master and animal.
171
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,008
I can't tell
where one ends
172
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:34,450
and the other begins.
173
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,921
Oh, I feel great.
174
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,253
Good ol Buster's
built my wind up.
175
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,952
( Scraping )
176
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,289
Well, that must be Duke.
177
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,294
He's...
178
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:46,122
cute.
179
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:47,996
Dang it, Bill,
why didn't you tell me
180
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,932
you could get stuck with
a cat in this program?
181
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,061
Come on, Hank,
cats aren't so bad.
182
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,833
One of Buster's best friends
183
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:55,931
is a cat
that does recon missions
184
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,272
with a camera
strapped to his back.
185
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,544
I don't think yours
does that, though.
186
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:09,521
( Bell jingles )
187
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,851
MAN:
Eh, eh...
188
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,288
eh... oh... oh.._.
189
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,518
( Clears throat )
190
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:14,559
Try this.
191
00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:16,093
Once you start playing
with it,
192
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,095
you won't want to stop!
193
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,528
Ah, no thanks.
194
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:20,599
I just need
to get some cat food.
195
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,032
See, I was recently forced
to take care of a cat,
196
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,127
and I need to know
which one of these I should buy.
197
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,534
Quickly.
198
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,471
Oh, all that stuff
is garbage.
199
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:31,340
What your cat needs is this:
Scientific Formula.
200
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,242
$18 a bag?
201
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,246
What's wrong with all this
other stuff?
202
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,544
Well, between you and me,
it's practically inedible.
203
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,516
We should really be in jail
for carrying it.
204
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,848
( Sighs ).
All right, fine.
205
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,424
Give me a bag
of the Scientific Formula.
206
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,855
Which flavor?
207
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,484
I recommend
the Italian herb chicken.
208
00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:48,720
Delicious.
209
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,123
( Crash, cat screeches)
210
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,225
Do you think
Private Hennessey enlisted
211
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,861
just to get away
from that thing?
212
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,166
Oh, put it out
of your mind, Hank.
213
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,070
In a week,
we'll be at Graceland.
214
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,473
I wonder if they'll let us
shoot a television.
215
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,238
( Retching )
216
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,836
Oh, Hank.
217
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:09,915
Bobby, get Duke
off the dinner table!
218
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,916
He just threw up;
I don't want to touch him.
219
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,417
Pick him up
with a napkin.
220
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,079
You want me to take him
off the table,
221
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,952
or do you want me
to eat my vegetables?
222
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,320
Because I can't do both.
223
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,119
Fine, I'll do it.
224
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,284
( Screeches)
225
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,691
Dang it!
226
00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,859
PEGGY: I hope you like
the smell of a cranberry bog,
227
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,525
because it is
the only thing
228
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,693
that counteracts
the cat stink.
229
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:33,032
Ugh! Wave some
of that stuff over here.
230
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,269
Oh, my God!
231
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,136
The cat has soiled in my shoes.
232
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,142
Where is he?
233
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,541
BOBBY:
He's in my room.
234
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,704
If I stop petting him,
he'll bite me.
235
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:44,145
I've read that dossier
cover-to-cover,
236
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,548
and nowhere in it
does it say anything
237
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:47,881
about pooping in shoes.
238
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:49,421
You know I hate this cat,
239
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,150
but there might actually be
something wrong with him.
240
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,226
Maybe you should take
him to Dr. Yandell.
241
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:55,954
I can't.
242
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,120
If there are any problems,
243
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,857
I'm supposed to take him
to Dr. Leslie
244
00:09:58,965 --> 00:09:59,898
at the Vet Consortium.
245
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,024
That place with
the valet parking?
246
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,728
Wait, we're not
paying for this, are we?
247
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:05,667
We have our vacation
to think about.
248
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,537
BOBBY: It's like having a
bomb strapped to my lap.
249
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:11,167
It's part
of my commitment.
250
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:12,710
I can't ask Duke's owner
251
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,643
to take it out
of his combat pay.
252
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,647
BOBBY: I've got to
go to the bathroom.
253
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,147
( Cat hisses
and screeches )
254
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:29,694
I'm Hank Hill.
255
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,159
This is Duke.
256
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,059
We have an appointment
with Dr. Leslie.
257
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,066
What's the nature
of your cat's problem?
258
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,432
Uh... he's pooping in my shoes.
259
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:39,301
Okay, go ahead
and have a seat.
260
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:42,102
And we ask that you please
not make eye contact
261
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,040
with Mr. Javier's parrot.
262
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,373
He's got anger issues.
263
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,519
Hello, you must be
Duke's caregiver.
264
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,147
I'm Dr. Leslie.
265
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,021
How are you feeling today,
Mr. Duke?
266
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,653
Uh, yeah, so,
I don't know cats,
267
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:06,733
so I can't really tell
if anything is wrong.
268
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,493
That's the thing about animals.
269
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,229
They can't tell us what's wrong.
270
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,306
And take it from me,
they can't understand our jokes.
271
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:16,464
Why don't you
gently restrain him
272
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,670
so I can take some blood
and check his vitals?
273
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:23,113
Uh, yeah, don't you have
a strap or a clamp or something?
274
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,617
If you prefer, you could lay
on the examination table
275
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,344
and hold Duke to your chest.
276
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,922
Mm-hmm.
277
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,253
( Chuckles )
278
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,521
Very good.
279
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,494
Well, everything
seems normal, Mr. Hill.
280
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,065
Oh, great, then |
281
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:41,395
just need you to sign this
Army form stating that, uh,
282
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,367
"Everything within
reason has been done
283
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,939
to ensure the proper
health of said animal."
284
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:49,440
Everything hasn't been done,
Mr. Hill.
285
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,534
Sure, Duke "looks" normal, but
I did not spend four extra years
286
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,341
specializing in small animal
treatment to just look.
287
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:57,745
I want to do some more
tests on Duke
288
00:11:57,917 --> 00:11:59,942
to make sure we
don't miss anything.
289
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,851
EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.
290
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,117
Okay.
291
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,850
First off, we're gonna
need to ensure
292
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,893
that Duke has been getting
the proper diet.
293
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,689
Oh, I'm way ahead
of you, Doctor.
294
00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:12,356
I already have him on
the Scientific Formula.
295
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:15,126
You can't feed that
to a cat.
296
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,694
Mr. Hill, Duke should only
be eating Vet's Brand.
297
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:23,104
You're asking me to spend $57
on a bag of cat food?!
298
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:25,644
Well, we can't expect Duke
to buy it on his salary!
299
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,110
( Chuckles )
300
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,477
You see? Nothing.
301
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,949
Okay, that's
gonna be $543.
302
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:32,950
What?!
303
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,713
Bone density test?
304
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:37,618
Lactose intolerance test?
Allergy panel?
305
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,249
I know it sounds
a bit pricey,
306
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,453
but these people have
all the best equipment.
307
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,928
( Chuckles ). Well, almost
all the best equipment.
308
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,260
You never stop selling,
do you, Tommy?
309
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,095
You're in good hands.
I don't have a pet,
310
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,135
but I'd bring my son
here, if they'd let me.
311
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,738
Listen, I can't afford this.
312
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:54,168
I'm taking my family
on vacation.
313
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,277
I'm just doing this because
I made a pledge to the Army.
314
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:58,572
I don't even like cats.
315
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,320
( Snarls)
316
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,821
( Hissing )
317
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,091
( Gasps )
Dang it!
318
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,962
Okay, droop your eyelids.
319
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:24,070
Now un-flare that nostril.
That's it! Perfect.
320
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:27,731
Dad, look at my poker face.
321
00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,875
We are gonna take everything
from that riverboat
322
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:30,909
but the paddle wheel.
323
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,138
Uh, yeah.
I'm sorry, you guys,
324
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:37,375
but Duke's vet visit just
cost us the Riverboat stop.
325
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,279
- What?
- What?
326
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,681
( Sighs)
327
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,843
This is no longer
a valid TripTik.
328
00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:43,683
I knew it. I knew
this whole thing
329
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,483
would blow up in our faces.
330
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,859
Hank, let's just
get rid of this cat.
331
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,190
It's ruining our lives.
332
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,491
I can't do that.
333
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,087
It'll be fine, you'll see.
334
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,827
Maybe we won't be able
to stay in hotels,
335
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,528
but we can camp... in the car!
336
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,134
( Phone rings )
337
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,439
Hill residence.
338
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,033
It's Dr. Leslie.
339
00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:08,307
Duke's blood work came back,
and his blood sugar is normal...
340
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:11,384
no adult-onset diabetes,
no hypertension, no hemophilia.
341
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:12,484
Oh, that's great!
342
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,019
But we did notice
343
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,521
his white blood cell count
is up slightly.
344
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:17,817
Uh. What does that mean?
345
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:19,619
Could be nothing,
could be cancer.
346
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,491
I'm gonna need you to come in
with Duke right away.
347
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,557
I'd like to do
348
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,361
a complete physical workup
to cover all our bases.
349
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,061
I also recommend this:
350
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:33,969
It's what we call
a feline mobility cart.
351
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,734
Wait. The cat can't walk?
352
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,969
Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.
353
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,272
You see, it may relieve
354
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,313
some pressure
and redirect blood flow.
355
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,542
Plus... alloy wheels.
356
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,084
But all this
could be for nothing, right?
357
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:48,744
I mean, Duke may not have
anything wrong with him.
358
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,856
Boy, that'd be great.
359
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,721
I'd like to go in.
In?
360
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:54,520
Do a small
exploratory surgery,
361
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:55,889
rule some things out.
362
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,054
What's that gonna cost me?
363
00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,097
Guesstimate?
364
00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:02,224
Between $1,000
and $2,000 and $3,000.
365
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,360
That's a lot of money.
366
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,768
See, my family
and I were...
367
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,670
kinda going on this
vacation...
368
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,107
Would it kill you
not to go on vacation?
369
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:12,836
Because it may kill Duke.
370
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,504
( Sighs)
371
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,808
Do you take traveler's checks?
372
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,112
PEGGY: You and
your stupid patriotism.
373
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,620
I'm sure that cat
will thank you
374
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:28,352
for canceling our
vacation by hissing at you.
375
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:31,862
I expanded my bladder
for this trip.
376
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:32,954
Thanks a lot, Dad!
377
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,589
( Sighs)
378
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,964
( Squeaking )
379
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,340
( Duke retches)
380
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,741
I can't believe
what they want me to do
381
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,642
to get Duke ready
for surgery.
382
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:48,976
To keep him sterile,
383
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,049
I have to put on these
little paper booties
384
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,549
before he uses the litter box.
385
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,244
Excuse me.
386
00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:56,685
I believe your dog left
this toy in my yard.
387
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,258
So sorry about that.
388
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:00,917
He likes pretty ladies.
389
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,960
Oh. ( giggles )
390
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,096
Well, thank you.
391
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,461
Here's my number,
in case any more
392
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:07,556
of his toys
go missing.
393
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:08,895
BOBBY:
Dad!
394
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:11,696
Duke's wheels tracked poo
all over my bedsheets!
395
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,698
( Yowling )
(gasps)
396
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:16,933
( Wheels squeaking )
397
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,446
Tiptop news, Mr. Hill!
398
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,947
We've eliminated even
a remote possibility
399
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,380
that Duke has lung cancer,
stomach cancer,
400
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,713
or pancreatic cancer.
401
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,082
Oh, thank God.
402
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,552
So, uh, can you sign
the release?
403
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:31,885
Now we can move on
404
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,720
to Duke's circulatory
and skeletal systems.
405
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,760
( Sighs)
406
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:39,126
$150 for a feline enema?
407
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,891
I could do it
for half that.
408
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,331
I wish I could
let you, Peggy.
409
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:43,926
Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.
410
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,505
I think it is time to take him
to our vet for a second opinion.
411
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:47,903
Come on.
412
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,873
You get the crate,
I'll get the oven mitts.
413
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:53,878
That's a cute little cart
you got him in.
414
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,381
Do you have a little mouse
that rides in there, too?
415
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,008
Uh, I swore I would do all
that I could
416
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:01,553
for the care of this cat...
in writing.
417
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,212
You've had him tested
418
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:05,882
from his brain to his behind.
Sounds to me like you have.
419
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,551
You want me to sign that?
420
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,890
Well, thank you, but I need
Duke's vet of choice to do it--
421
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:12,294
Dr. Bradley Leslie.
422
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:13,559
Oh, he's topnotch.
423
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,894
Best in his field.
424
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,265
Well, I was kinda hoping
you'd tell me
425
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,271
he was a quack and I
wouldn't have to listen to him.
426
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,307
And he's costing me
a fortune.
427
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,775
Well, he's got
all those new fancy machines.
428
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,538
And if you've got
the machines,
429
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,238
by God you're
gonna use them.
430
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,839
But truth is, sometimes cats
just get old.
431
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,349
Duke's going to die someday,
432
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,249
but not of anything
he's got right now.
433
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:35,878
But he keeps vomiting.
434
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,922
Cats vomit.
They eat, poop and vomit.
435
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,650
That's what they do.
436
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,524
So you're telling me I
sacrificed my family's vacation
437
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,461
so this guy can pay
for his fancy machines?
438
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:48,159
Yeah, you wouldn't believe
how much some of 'em go for.
439
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,928
Tommy, how much one of those
ultra-magnetic doohickeys
440
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,765
you keep yammering about
set me back?
441
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,634
The Magnetic Ultrasonic
Imager 92207
442
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:55,935
You don't want to know.
443
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,066
It's so expensive,
no one can make money on it.
444
00:17:58,177 --> 00:17:59,269
We only sold two:
445
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:01,574
one in Beverly Hills
and one in Aspen.
446
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,081
I could have one delivered
within the week.
447
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:07,084
So, wait. That machine's
even more expensive
448
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,482
than the ones
Dr. Leslie has?
449
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,250
Oh, yeah. He's got a 9210.
That's a solid unit.
450
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,519
But this baby's seven percent
more accurate,
451
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:14,888
and it comes in chrome.
452
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:17,122
Can I have some
of those brochures?
453
00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,730
Uh, just take one, though.
454
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,799
They're also
really expensive.
455
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,068
Mr. Hill!
456
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,545
Teresa didn't tell me
you had an appointment.
457
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,647
I don't.
458
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,341
Look, I just stopped by
to tell you
459
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,281
there will be no more surgeries
460
00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:42,013
or tests or anything else done
to my cat.
461
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,646
And I want you to sign this.
462
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,283
There are still several more
tests we can perform, Mr. Hill.
463
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,451
You see, we have
464
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,586
a responsibility
to these creatures.
465
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,892
Duke can't tell us
he wants to live...
466
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,297
Yeah, yeah, I know, and
he can't joke around.
467
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:57,665
But I bet if he could
talk, he'd say he wants
468
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,898
to be put through the
Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.
469
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,132
I've got one of those!
470
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:04,709
9220.
471
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,472
Says here that the 9220
472
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,515
is seven percent more accurate
than the old 9210.
473
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:12,880
( Chuckles ). Yes, but
seven percent more accuracy
474
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,352
hardly justifies me
spending that kind of money.
475
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,956
I'd have to use
the machine on pets
476
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,750
and their owners
to break even.
477
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,416
It's just too expensive.
478
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,460
Well, that seems like
the kind of decision
479
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,893
you'd want to leave
to that woman and her bird,
480
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,089
or that guy and...
481
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,667
whatever the hell that thing is.
482
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,328
I'm sure they'd like to know
you've been depriving them
483
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:33,939
of the latest in full-body
diagnostic testing.
484
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,269
I wish I had enough of
these pamphlets for everyone.
485
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:38,742
Hey, I guess
I could go out there
486
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,277
and read it out loud.
487
00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:41,312
Now hold on a minute.
488
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,973
That machine
would bankrupt me.
489
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,844
I've got to draw
the line somewhere.
490
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,317
We all have to draw
the line somewhere.
491
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,943
Is that 9220
492
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,819
something you should
be using on Frank?
493
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,952
You can keep that pen.
It's from some company
494
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,394
that makes Viagra
for lizards.
495
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,466
Works for snakes, too!
496
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:08,432
HANK:
Well, it's 3:00.
497
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,872
Right about now,
498
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,239
Dr. Leslie is turning Duke
over to Private Hennessey.
499
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,709
Look, I know this isn't the kind
of trip we all had in mind.
500
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:22,320
Bobby, why don't you go ahead
and have the "21-Rib Salute?"
501
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:25,914
Really?! It's not an entree,
it's an event!
502
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,685
So, how much money
503
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:30,023
do we have left
in the vacation fund?
504
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:32,598
$98.
505
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,861
Which means, well,
this is as far as we can go.
506
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,872
You know, just being away
from Duke feels like a holiday.
507
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,372
Good food, family,
508
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:43,498
the Cowboys.
509
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:46,442
Now this is what I
call a dream vacation.
510
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:52,341
Army sergeant Bill Dauterive
relinquishing command of Buster!
511
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,954
On behalf of myself and the crew
of the USS Eisenhower,
512
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,111
I say thank you.
513
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:03,752
Wow.
514
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:06,695
How you getting
home, Sergeant?
515
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,563
I, 1, uh...
516
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:11,367
You ever pulled two Gs?
517
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:12,528
Don't worry.
518
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:14,230
Buster'll sit
on your lap.
519
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,074
DALE: Oh, this has
been a catastrophe!
520
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:01,496
I
I
521
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,520
I
I
522
00:22:04,570 --> 00:22:09,120
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