Original subtitles

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Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?

Hank, we were all out of your sports drink,

so I blended some lemonade

with a few of Bobby's chewable vitamins.

If you want,

we can call it "Lemon-ator-ade."

I gotta say,

we walk through this neighborhood all the time,

and you have the most

beautifully maintained house.

What's your secret to keeping the grass so green?

Uh... Oh, it's simple, really.

We water it.

Uh, actually, it's not that simple.

Every three weeks I put down a 28-3-3

mix of fertilizer and weed control.

Oh.

Well, it's not just the lawn.

It's all the attention to detail.

Like the way the brass door knocker sets off

the color of the trim.

Oh, right.

And it matches the hinges perfectly.

Did it come as a set?

Well... I'm not sure.

Interesting story about the screws in those hinges...

Hey, you want to see something really great?

Just look at these drapes

and tell me they're not real velvet, huh?

Interesting story...

I bought these the day John Lennon was shot.

PEGGY: What was [ thinking?

Dragging those people off the street.

They probably thought I was nuts.

Yeah, I was a little confused myself.

I guess it just hit me.

I have nothing to do with our house's curb appeal.

Hank, from now on

I am becoming more involved in the front yard.

Maybe plant some exotic flowers.

Something that says, "Peggy Hill lives here."

The front yard, huh?

I tell you what.

How about we repaint the kitchen?

You can pick out any shade of white you want:

eggshell, ivory, Swiss coffee.

Sky's the limit.

The front yard is the statement a home makes

to the rest of the world.

Right now, it's your statement.

It should be our statement.

Well, I guess we could try a few flowers under the windows.

But nothing that climbs.

Yep.

Mm, yep.

What the...?

How do you like Joseph's new minibike?

He won it off me in a poker game.

You know, that bike's not street legal.

All right. Joseph, get off the street!

No, not on the lawns!

Boy, Hank, you sure got a lot of arbitrary rules.

Lotta dang ol' flowers, man.

Talkin' 'bout an ol' Algernon man.

Talkin' 'bout ol' Cliff Robertson,

I tell you what, man.

Got-dang ol five cents a minute, man.

Yeah, Peggy's fixing up the front yard a bit.

Gee, Hank,

if your wife wants to screw something up,

why can't she just stick to Bobby?

It'll be fine.

The plants have little tags

with instructions on 'em.

( Sotto voce ). Please don't ruin my yard.

Congratulations, Bill.

You no longer have the worst yard in Arlen.

Peggy's traveling circus of death

has seen to that.

Yeah, man, she just like the dang ol' grim reaper, man.

Talkin' 'bout them ol sunflowers. ( gags )

And then them petunias. (gags)

And the ol' daisies, too, man.

"Help me!"

( Sighs)

She's trying so hard.

Joseph, that is not a toy!

Hey, you put a dent in it.

Sorry, Dad.

I sorta crashed into a telephone pole.

I don't care what you...!

Oh...

I can't stay mad at you.

Bet you can't steer that thing with your feet.

So, uh, Peggy, maybe it's time

to pull up some of those dead plants.

They're not dead.

They just need some more sunlight.

There's no damn sun!

Well, maybe if you...

No one asked for your opinion, okay?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just really want to do this on my own.

MIHN: Listen to your husband, Peggy Hill.

If there's one thing

that brillo-haired hillbilly can do,

it's farm.

{( laughing )

Angel of Death meet Old MacDonald!

? E-I-E-I-Ow! ?

I tried perennials, I tried annuals,

I tried succulents...

Well, you just got to keep trying

until you find the right thing,

and when you finally do, you'll know it.

Thank you, Hank.

KAHN: She just touched your arm.

Quick, amputate!

{( laughing )

Excuse me, do you know of a plant

that can withstand over-watering,

inadequate fertilization,

and perhaps some over-zealous pruning?

Yeah, they're called weeds.

Great, give me a tray of...

You know, hotshot, you may think

you have the world by the tail right now,

making five dollars an hour,

with that ridiculous red vest and...

Just give us a flat of impatiens.

I'm not done with you, Pimples.

( Scoffs ): Impatiens.

Everyone has impatiens.

How is that going to wow the pants off anyone?

Ooh! An estate sale. Pull over.

Dead people have tons of clothes

that they don't want anymore.

Fine, but make it fast.

If these turds die in the car,

I'll set a new record.

Oh, what beautiful morning glories.

Thank you.

So, you're a gardener?

I'm beginning to think no.

(gasps)

My God, I love that.

What's that called?

Oh, that's Winklebottom.

Kind of a rarity in these parts.

Came all the way from Germany.

Mmm, boy, that's exactly what I need in my front yard.

Would you consider selling?

Come on, let's get this in the ground

before Hank gets home.

Peggy Hill has found her calling card.

( Scoffs ): Idiot.

( Shrieking )

I I

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So, what do you think?

I think... uh, I think it's an elf.

Actually, the term is "garden gnome."

His name is Winklebottom.

Don't you just love how your eye goes right to him?

Yeah, I didn't even notice the house.

I cannot tell you what a relief this is.

I was getting so frustrated

with everything dying on me.

Uh, I don't know, Peggy.

Do you really think this is, uh...

this-this thing is for us?

It was just like you said.

I saw it, and I immediately knew.

Just like you said.

Uh... yeah.

Oh, we have a garden gnome.

Oh, boy.

I shall call him Vandor.

You will call him Winklebottom,

like everyone else.

Now let's go get an old toothbrush.

I want to clean the spider eggs from his ears.

So is that a ceramic gnome,

or did Peggy kill a real gnome

and take it to a taxidermist?

Gosh, Hank, what will people think

when they see that thing out here?

( Sighs)

God willing, they'll think Peggy's a widow.

Hey, how do we know you didn't buy the gnome yourself

and are just pretending not to like the gnome

so that your friends don't make fun of you?

BILL: ? Hank likes the gnome ?

? Hank likes the gnome. ?

I do not like the gnome, Bill.

? Hank-y and Gnome-y sittin' in a tree... 7?

That's it. I'm kicking your ass.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Good morning, Hank.

Good morning, Mailman Thompson.

Hank, were you trying to keep

that mailman from seeing our gnome?

No, no. Of course not.

Oh. You just did it again.

Well, it's just that

people are starting to,

you know, say nasty things about our house.

Like what? What are they saying?

Well, like yesterday, I heard the FedEx guy

call our house "the one with the gnome out front."

Oh, I see what this is all about.

For years, everyone has always raved

about your grass and your hinges,

and now you're afraid you're being displaced.

My God.

What a beautiful Winklebottom.

Yes, very good.

That ls Winklebottom.

How did you know?

Are you kidding?

I'd recognize one anywhere.

That darling bulbous nose.

Those adorable hairy knuckles...

This is a 1932 original,

handmade by Klaus Zeigenlef, himself.

Really?

You hear that Hank?

I heard it.

I am just so envious, but do you mind

if I offer up a little tip?

Your Winklebottom is facing southeast.

Technically, he should face north.

Wonderful. Why?

Well, that's where they're more apt to find tree moss,

which is how they make their delicious gnome tea.

That is so charming.

No, it's not.

Oh, there's so much lore for you to discover.

You're gonna lose yourself for hours

in all the chat rooms and message boards.

Hey, are you into Babylon 57

No. Should I be?

Oh. "Garden Gnome Fact Number 28:

"At night, garden gnomes are quite lively,

but they turn to stone the second daylight hits them."

I love it.

Hey, maybe tonight we should leave out

a snack plate for old Winklebottom.

Perhaps a fruit pie?

No, Bobby.

Winklebottom would like mushrooms and dandelions

and a thimbleful of peppermint schnapps.

Thank you, President Winklebottom.

I would love to join you for tea in the rose gar...

We got a shooter!

I'll take the bullet!

( Grunting )

(gasps ). Oh...

Dad, I need your help!

I broke Winklebottom.

Oh, boy. It was an accident, I swear.

Please, tell me you can fix it.

All right, let's take a look.

Uh... I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

Sorry, Bobby.

But-but Mom loved that gnome.

She's going to kill me.

Bobby, calm down.

How do you expect me to calm down?!

You can't fix it!

Yeah, but maybe it's for the best.

Your mother had grown way too attached to that gnome.

Better that something happened to it now,

before she got even more attached to it.

Don't worry, Bobby, I'll take care of everything.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Uh, don't sweat it.

That's what being a father is all about.

Okay, we're going to dump him in one of these cans,

and if he doesn't fit, just whack him

a few times with this fire extinguisher.

So, Mom's really going to think someone stole it?

Uh-huh. There. That one.

Uh, I don't know about this house.

There's a lot of lights on.

All right.

That driveway's empty.

Someone could pull in at any moment.

Fine, I'll do it myself.

OLD WOMAN: Is that you, Janet?

(gasps)

( Tires squeal)

We did it, Dad.

We really did it.

Not yet, we didn't.

( Crunching )

( Crunching )

Bobby, we are never to speak of this again.

I I

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Good morning.

So how was miniature golf last night?

Um, okay.

( Clears throat )

We were there for 90 minutes.

Dad shot a three under par, and I shot four over.

Later, we stopped for ice cream.

( Thump )

Oh, there's my paper.

( Peggy screams )

Remember, son, everything's gonna be okay.

Winklebottom!

My Winklebottom!

This is just awful.

Who would do such a thing?

Hooligans.

(crying)

Oh, it's just so senseless!

SALLY: Oh, my God.

Peggy, Hank,

what happened to our Winklebottom?

(crying ): Oh, I don't know, Sally!

I don't know!

I'm calling the police.

The cops?! Dad!

Now, hold on, there.

The police have more important things to do than...

Hank, honey,

you're too frazzled to think straight.

Aunt Sally's taking care of things now.

So is Winklebottom his first name

or his last name?

I told you, it's just Winklebottom, damn it!

We're wasting time here!

I'm just trying to be thorough, ma'am.

Now did any of you hear any strange noises last night?

No, sir. I was here all night.

No, you weren't.

You were out playing miniature golf last night.

He shot three under par.

I shot four over.

We stopped for ice cream!

Oh, right. That course out there on Lexington.

That last hole's a doozy, ain't it?

Yes.

Please, Officer,

tell me you'll catch the...

who did this.

Honestly, ma'am, there's not much I can do.

Teenagers are always stealing these things

and doing God knows what to them.

If we ever do

find your Winklebottom,

there's a good chance you're not gonna want him back.

(crying ): No.

( Tires screeching ) Hey!

Fancy riding, Tex!

? Green Acres is the place to be ?

? Farm livin' is the life for me ?

? Land spreadin'...?

( Sighs)

Oh, heck.

( Sighing )

Come on, Peggy.

It was just a garden gnome.

Yeah, and propane is just a stupid gas!

Uh, I'm sorry.

I have no reason to lash out at you.

It's just that you get praised

all the time about the house, but I don't.

That's why Winklebottom was a big deal for me.

Complete strangers would walk by our house

and say to themselves,

"That's the lady with the cool gnome."

Now I'm just the old hag

who picks up dog poop with a hockey stick.

( Sighs)

Bobby, I'm telling your mother what happened.

You're what?!

I can't stand to see her like this.

It's the only thing that'll give her peace.

No way!

The whole time you've been giving me grief

about cracking, and now you're gonna crack?!

Uh-uh.

We had a deal, old man!

Hey, watch your mouth.

Sorry.

Look, I'll take all the heat.

She won't know

you had anything to do with this.

But she has to know.

Uh, Peggy,

I've got something difficult to tell you.

Vandals didn't take your gnome.

It was me.

What?

Well, his ear broke off,

so I drove him to the Heimlich County Forest

and buried him in a shallow grave.

No. No, you're lying.

I'm not, Peggy. It's the truth.

No. Even if you hated Winklebottom,

there is no way

you would ever do such a hurtful thing.

(gasps)

Oh, my God, you're covering for someone.

Peggy, I'm-I'm not...

Bobby! It's Bobby!

Me?!

Of course.

You were playing one of your weird little games,

and you broke it, didn't you?

Uh... uh... Dad?

No, no, really, it was me.

I couldn't stand the little freak,

so I rolled him in a towel

and smashed him to pieces for good measure.

BOBBY: You should've seen him, Mom.

He was nuts!

How dare you try laying this on your father!

You're grounded for a week, mister.

Dad!

Peggy, really, he didn't...

Don't make it any worse for him, Hank.

Now you go to your room!

Dinnertime.

One peanut butter and jelly sandwich, no dessert.

( Quietly ). There's pudding in my sock.

( Grumbles )

Everything'll be fine.

Your mother will get over this.

No, she won't.

Dad, you've got to get her a new one.

But... ( sighs ) that thing was pretty rare.

I wouldn't even know where to get another one.

I do.

You know that German tourist town on |-357

The one with the windmills

and the gingerbread houses?

( Groans )

New Hoffenschime.

If they don't have a replacement

for Winklebottom, then no one does.

PEGGY: Lights out, Bobby.

( Shouting ): I said, lights out!

( Whispering ): I'll bring you back a T-shirt.

I need a gnome.

And not just any gnome.

I need a Winklebottom.

{( laughing )

A Winklebottom!

Why don't you just ask me to move a rainbow?

Ugh. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic,

or just weird.

If you're lucky enough

to get a hold of a Winklebottom,

you better hang on for dear life.

Now, if you want something spectacular,

how about one of these?

Just marked it down 80%.

Hey, what's that over there?

Oh, that's an antique Figgleforth.

True, he looks very similar to Winklebottom,

but let me warn you--

Completely different personality.

Wrap him up and get me out of here.

WOMAN: Ooh, a Figgleforth!

Excuse me, I had him first.

Actually, you didn't.

Hey, hey, let's leave the fighting

to the trolls, okay?

I really need this particular gnome.

Who doesn't?!

I bet this joker doesn't even know

where gnomes come from.

Or how they say good night to each other.

Or what it means

when they shave their mustache

and not their beard.

( Sighs ). All right, you got me.

I'm not a dork, I sell propane.

Truth is, I hate gnomes.

I really, really hate them.

But my wife loves 'em.

And as beautiful as my lawn

and my galvanized steel rain gutters are,

they're no match for my wife's happiness.

I'd do anything to see her happy again.

Even if it means putting this character

in my yard.

Okay, Blanche, the gnome is yours.

Huh. Declined.

You're maxxed out.

Put it on layaway!

I'll pay cash.

Come back and see us again.

Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

I was talking to Figgleforth.

BOBBY: Yup.

That's true north.

Here, you can give this to your mother.

It's the fully executed copy

of the, uh, adoption papers.

I know how hard

that must have been for you, Dad.

You want to talk about it?

Just get your mother.

Mom!

Bobby, you are supposed to be...

(gasps)

Oh! It's beautiful.

His name is Figgleforth!

We found him in New Hoffenschime.

It was Bobby's idea.

Oh, Hank, I love it.

And it is so sweet of you to give Bobby credit for this,

but I know it was all you.

What?! No, Peggy, he really...

Oh, don't worry, Hank.

I'm not mad at him anymore.

Kids will be kids.

Tell you what, Bobby.

Since your Dad's being so generous towards you,

so can I.

I am suspending your sentence.

Thanks.

Yup. Now he's out here for the whole world to see.

You know, now that I think about it,

I'm not sure if I even want to keep him on the lawn.

You don't?

Well, you heard that policeman.

People steal these things all the time.

Maybe it's best if we keep it inside.

Yes! Perfect!

Oh, that makes so much sense!

Inside.

HANK: We are never to speak of this again.

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