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[Theme song playing]
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[Birds chirping outside]
3
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Good morning, class.
I will be subbing for Mrs. Dorland...
4
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,236
who is at home
recuperating from the Hanta virus.
5
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:43,076
What's the Hanta virus?
6
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,305
Well, Clark, it's a flu-like disease...
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00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,848
usually contracted from rodent droppings.
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Okay! All right, then.
9
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:53,750
Now, in preparation for our field trip,
your classmates are going to act out...
10
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:56,915
a little-known episode of
Mexican-American history.
11
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,687
The year is 1847...
12
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,752
[Military band music playing]
13
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I am General Santa Anna.
14
00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:11,327
I led the Mexican army at the Alamo,
where we defeated Texas.
15
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,236
[Class booing]
16
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,904
We are at the Battle of Cerro Gordo,
11 years later...
17
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,639
and we are hungry.
18
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:23,910
Sir, I will hold your artificial leg
while you eat chicken.
19
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,013
[Both munching]
20
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,420
[Student grunting]
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Attack.
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Look out!
It's the Illinois Volunteer Infantry.
23
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Hop on, General!
24
00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:38,458
[Bobby grunting]
25
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[Unenthusiastically] I stole your fake leg.
26
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,667
[All cheering]
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PEGGY: That was beautiful!
That was just inspired!
28
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,275
The General's artificial leg
has been on display...
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00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,904
in an Illinois museum for over a century.
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But this year, America decided
to return it to Mexico.
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Even as we speak...
32
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Santa Anna's real fake leg is making
its way from museum to museum...
33
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,315
on its journey home.
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00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:09,090
I guess you could say the Arlen Museum
is the last leg of the tour.
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00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:10,924
[Peggy laughing]
36
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,429
Oh, Peggy!
37
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,793
Yeah, see, that was 1976.
38
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,931
In 1977, I did wear shoes.
39
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[Tires squealing]
40
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Boy, that car's going fast!
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Boy, that car's going fast!
42
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:26,278
Doesn't he know men drink in this alley?
43
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:29,281
DALE: That looks like your dad's
Cadillac car, Hank.
44
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:33,314
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, that looks
like dang old... Better hit the dirt!
45
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[Brakes screeching]
46
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[Sighing]
47
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,059
Thanks, fatty. Don't mind if I do!
48
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:42,719
HANK: Jeez, Dad, you almost
dented the cooler!
49
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:46,323
Where's Didi? I thought with your eyesight
she was doing all the driving.
50
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,131
We had another fight. I threw her out.
51
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,963
Didi, woman, my toes are cold.
Knit me a blanket!
52
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,771
I don't have time, honey. I'm late for work.
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[Laughing hysterically]
54
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,783
That's a good one, baby cakes.
Now, get your knitting sticks.
55
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,712
You're gonna have to
wear your socks, Colonel.
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00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:11,281
COTTON: So I put her out on the street.
DALE: Good for you, sir.
57
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,919
I admire the speed with which
you dispatched the insubordinate.
58
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,895
Shut your clam hole, Gribble.
59
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:20,434
So, I guess you're here to cool off
for a few days...
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00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,298
till you two can patch things up?
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00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,894
No, this one's for good.
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I'm here to renew my driver's license.
63
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Got the eye chart memorized
down at the Arlen DMV.
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00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,244
They ain't changed it since World War Il.
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00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,441
That's the big one, fatty.
66
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:38,376
Dad, about you driving,
I'm not sure it's such a good idea.
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00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,113
Excuse me, Hank...
68
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:43,521
I think a man who gave his shins
to win the Second World War...
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00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:46,116
has earned the right
to drive an automobile.
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00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,927
Hank, Bobby and me are going to rent
an RV this summer...
71
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,398
and drive around the country.
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00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,800
We'll do 50 states in 50 days.
73
00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,101
You know, Cotton, you can travel
anywhere in the world, in books.
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00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,538
[Cotton grunting]
75
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:05,976
Dad, you don't want to be driving
on a crowded highway in the summertime.
76
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,275
I don't know.
77
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There's nothing like
the feel of the open road.
78
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:14,249
You know, Grandpa Hill, with an RV,
you can put it on cruise control...
79
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,517
and then go in the back and watch TV.
80
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,614
[Sighing]
81
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,250
Luanne, please.
82
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,587
Dad, with all due respect...
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00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:24,929
I don't think
you should be driving anymore.
84
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,693
Don't you tell me what to do!
85
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You ain't my daddy! I'm your daddy!
86
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I won the war! I can drive a car!
87
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,466
Even your idiot friend Gribble knows that!
88
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,511
Dad, Dale's just kissing up to you.
89
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:40,444
And so should you, boy!
90
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,912
Hank, that reminds me.
91
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,509
We need some chaperones
for Bobby's class trip.
92
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,849
What kind of trip you taking,
Bobby? Vegas?
93
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There's a General Santa Anna exhibit
at the museum.
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00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:54,783
We did a play about him in school,
and I was one of his privates.
95
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,057
Yeah, I know all about San tie Annie.
96
00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,760
We got his walking log
under glass in Illinois, I'm glad to say!
97
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,303
Actually, Cotton, the leg
is coming through Arlen.
98
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,839
America is finally returning the leg
to Mexico.
99
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,273
COTTON: What?
HANK: Take it easy, Dad.
100
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,434
[Cotton thumping the table]
101
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,875
[Shouting] You see, Bobby...
102
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:15,313
your Daddy's generation's
giving away everything we fought for!
103
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:17,942
Panama Canal, Mexican legs...
104
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:21,748
You people would give back
Gandhi's diapers if you had them.
105
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,019
[Military band music playing]
106
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,354
[Hank sighing]
107
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:34,059
Would you look at that line?
We'll be here all day!
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00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,602
Oh, for God...
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Hank, I gutted a man,
he whined less than you.
110
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Why don't you guys get started?
I'll be there in a minute.
111
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,414
COTTON: All right, clerkie.
112
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Now, take down the first letter
of every word I say.
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"Some day...
114
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:02,059
"Governor Reagan will run for President.�
115
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,687
I pass. Give me the license.
116
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:06,630
I've never seen anyone miss
every single letter.
117
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,724
You fail.
118
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,792
What? Look at it again!
119
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,838
"Some Day," that's S-D...
120
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,931
as in "Stupid Dummy." That's you!
Tell him, Hank!
121
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,702
This is an outrage!
122
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:20,303
We are very dissatisfied customers.
Come on, Dad, let's go.
123
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,506
[Cotton grunting]
124
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:25,746
So, you had the clerk switch the eye chart.
125
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:29,617
That's a good plan, if you silence the clerk.
126
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,787
It was one of the toughest things
I ever had to do, I tell you what.
127
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,659
But my dad's getting close
to the end zone now.
128
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,994
I gotta start calling some of his plays.
129
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,191
I know what you mean.
130
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,998
My dad can't even load
his own hunting rifle anymore.
131
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,094
I mean, I gotta put it in his hands...
132
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,435
practically pull the dang trigger for him.
133
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,532
Sad, very sad.
134
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:54,137
COTTON: The DMV changed the damn chart
on me, that's what they did!
135
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,979
I tell you what, man!
That dang old DMV, take my picture...
136
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,745
that old hair hooter that day.
137
00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:02,083
Four dang old years ago,
looking like Cokie Roberts.
138
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:05,250
There are ways to get around
the license problem, sir.
139
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,555
Dale, this doesn't concern you.
140
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:10,358
For example, put a sail on your car...
141
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,159
call it a boat.
142
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:15,030
Hear that, Hank?
Gribble's got a clever idea.
143
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,567
Go get me a sail!
144
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:18,400
It's a stupid idea, Dad.
145
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,996
Well, excuse me, Hank...
146
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,508
I guess I'm not as clever as you are.
147
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:26,307
I mean, I could never think of a clever idea
like switching the eye chart...
148
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,609
so your dad would fail that...
149
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,509
Dang it, Dale!
150
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:33,346
Looks like we got ourselves
a Benedict Arlen!
151
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,718
What do you got to say for yourself, boy?
152
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,588
Look, Dad, I did change that chart.
153
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:42,288
I did it because I care about you.
You should not be driving.
154
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:46,162
But he's a war hero, Hank.
A world war hero!
155
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,326
You should let him do whatever he wants.
156
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,701
Shut up, Dale!
I know what's best for my dad.
157
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,466
If you knew what's best for me...
158
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:56,441
you'd have drowned yourself
two days after you was born!
159
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,341
Goodbye, Hank. I'm leaving!
160
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,348
[Tires squealing]
161
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:09,817
COTTON: [Shouting] Gribble, good news!
162
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,592
I'm staying with you from now on!
163
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:16,218
You hear that, Hank?
Daddy's staying with me.
164
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,902
[Buzzing]
165
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:30,006
NANCY: Did you sleep okay, Mr. Hill?
COTTON: Yep, just fine.
166
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,742
DALE: See, Nancy?
167
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:34,710
And you wanted to give away
Joseph's crib.
168
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:41,446
There you go, sir.
One perfectly forged driver's license.
169
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,512
Good until the year 3000.
170
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,486
Good boy! Here's a dollar.
171
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,083
[Joseph exclaiming]
172
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,389
Hey, Dad?
173
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:52,159
I need you to sign my permission slip
for that Santa Anna exhibit.
174
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,300
Joseph, you know
I do not sign any document...
175
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,393
issued by a government institution.
176
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:58,528
[Knocking]
177
00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:02,706
NANCY: Hey, Hank. Come on, Joseph,
our ride's here.
178
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:04,504
[Rock music playing]
179
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,740
Hey, Tokyo Rose!
How does your garden grow?
180
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,906
Don't start with me, Dale.
181
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,482
All right, Dad, you made your point.
182
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,577
Now, come on back,
and we'll talk about this.
183
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:17,453
I got a whole box of Mega Lo plates
you can break.
184
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,585
I'd rather break Gribble's plates,
thank you very much!
185
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,161
No, thank you very much, sir.
186
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,554
I'm done.
187
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:27,623
I'm going down to the drugstore
to pick up my shin salve.
188
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:32,069
HANK: All right, well, let me drive you and--
COTTON: I don't need you.
189
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,137
Gribble made me a license.
190
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,565
[Honking]
191
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,978
I've never seen a meter maid
take so long to write a ticket.
192
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,981
All right, sir. Please step out of the vehicle.
193
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:46,076
[Cotton cheering]
194
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:50,020
You wanna frisk me, Cagney?
Go ahead, and then I can do you.
195
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,359
And when I asked for his license,
he gave me this.
196
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,226
Yeah, I know it's expired.
197
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,925
I'm real sorry about that.
He shouldn't be driving.
198
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,297
Expired? It's not even real.
199
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,003
Made out of the back of a cereal box.
200
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,197
You're lucky.
201
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,798
COP: In the most severe cases
of senile dementia...
202
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,809
they can't even remember
their sons' names.
203
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:14,142
What? He's not senile.
My dad's just a character.
204
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,875
You know, like a cowboy.
205
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,815
[Police siren wailing]
206
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,662
HANK: Dad, knock it off. Come on!
207
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:20,016
HANK: Dad, knock it off. Come on!
208
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,014
All right, General Mills.
209
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,524
Now, I'm letting your son take care of you.
210
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:29,520
You have to promise to be a good boy.
211
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,157
Do you recognize your son?
212
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:34,759
Yeah. He's Benedict Arlen.
213
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,862
The point is, Dad, you've got to calm down.
214
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,464
You're lucky you're not in jail.
215
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,532
Don't you take that tone with me!
216
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:47,046
I was out buying shin jelly.
You show some respect!
217
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:50,774
Okay, let's talk about it over dinner,
what do you say?
218
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:53,144
Go get your bags and we'll head on home.
219
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,813
COTTON: Sure, I'll be right there.
220
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,359
[Tense instrumental music]
221
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,636
[Upbeat instrumental music]
222
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:12,594
[Sighing]
223
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,669
[Both laughing]
224
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,479
[Grunting]
225
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,211
[Tires squealing]
226
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,581
HANK: Hey, Didi.
DIDI: Hank.
227
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,286
Listen, I'm here to ask you for a big favor.
228
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,819
You and my dad gotta patch things up
quicker than usual this time.
229
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:40,161
I'm having trouble
keeping him under control.
230
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,930
There's no patching things up
this time, Hank.
231
00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,492
The passion is gone.
232
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,972
DIDI: There was magic between us
when we first met.
233
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:52,304
Yeah, I come in here once a year
to get my shins drained.
234
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,210
I don't take no anesthetic.
235
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,511
Did Lincoln ask for girlie-gas
when they blowed his head off?
236
00:11:57,584 --> 00:12:01,282
Magazines? Candy? Fruit roll-ups?
237
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,653
Look at you!
238
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,693
Aren't you the cutest little helpless thing?
239
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,757
You're like a little baby in that gown.
240
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,121
[Didi exclaims]
241
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:13,188
[Didi making baby talk]
242
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,368
[Jazz music playing on record player]
243
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,699
Sweet Lord!
244
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:20,200
Cling peaches in heavy syrup!
245
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,464
DIDI: It was like Romeo and...
246
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,103
Juliet.
247
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:30,340
But now the magic's gone.
Cotton said my bottom was too small.
248
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,380
Do you think it's too small?
249
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:37,817
No. Put that away! It's fine. It's very big.
250
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,222
Look, Hank.
I so toner makes sundresses now.
251
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,520
[Peggy exclaiming]
252
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,656
PEGGY: She is not
gonna take him back, is she?
253
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:50,033
Nope. I'm gonna have to
watch him like a hawk.
254
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,496
[Grunts]
255
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,564
COTTON: Cigar, Hank?
HANK: No, thanks.
256
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,770
Good, 'cause they all been smoked.
257
00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,910
[Both laughing]
258
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,543
Yeah, you got me on that one.
259
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,680
Anyway, the reason I'm here is
to ask you to be a chaperone...
260
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:10,121
on Bobby's museum trip tomorrow.
I'm gonna be one.
261
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,724
Daddy can't go.
He's taking me bumper bowling.
262
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:16,261
Will you stop calling him "Daddy"!
263
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:19,022
Come on, Dad.
You'd really be helping us out.
264
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,996
Well, I've been helping you out of jams
your whole life.
265
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:24,867
Might as well keep the streak alive.
I'll do it.
266
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,665
We'll do it.
267
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,341
CONNIE: And then you killed
the German corporal?
268
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:37,144
This is World War Il, Connie-girl.
He was a Nazi.
269
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,977
Yeah, I severed his windpipe...
270
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:42,317
with a two-foot strand of dental floss
I kept in my boot.
271
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:45,619
And that's why it's always important
to carry dental floss.
272
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:48,156
[All laughing]
273
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,827
Okay, Tom Landry Middle School.
274
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,061
Next stop is the featured exhibit...
275
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:57,626
General San tie Annie's artificial leg.
276
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:58,830
[Peggy exclaiming]
277
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:03,035
What a beautiful prosthetic!
Those T-shirts do not do it justice.
278
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:05,210
After its brief stay here...
279
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:09,772
General San tie Annie's leg will be
returned to its rightful owner, Mexico.
280
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:14,377
COTTON: Rightful? Finders, keepers!
HANK: Dad, now take it easy. Relax.
281
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,252
Along with the leg...
282
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:20,190
Mexico will receive a check
for the original cost of the leg...
283
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,724
$1,300 US, and a letter of apology...
284
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,060
signed by our commander in chief.
285
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,760
COTTON: That draft dodger!
He can't do that!
286
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:32,203
The Japanese blew my shins off!
When am I gonna get them back?
287
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:35,241
Hank, chaperone your father.
288
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,175
Dad, I'm not gonna tell you again. Zip it!
289
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,645
[Tense instrumental music]
290
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:45,708
[Door slamming]
291
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,650
Let's settle, people.
292
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,779
CURATOR: All right. Stop the bus!
293
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:54,449
It's been stolen! One of these hoodlums
stole San tie Annie's leg!
294
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,926
All right, kids. Listen up.
295
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,192
I'm gonna close my eyes,
and when I open them...
296
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:01,859
I wanna see that leg! You understand?
297
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,393
[Gasps]
298
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,604
[Adventurous instrumental music]
299
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:10,334
[Both grunting]
300
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:19,980
[Tires screeching]
301
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:27,325
HANK: All right, Dad. I'm fed up.
Where is the leg?
302
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:30,624
Well, I don't know if I can speak to that!
303
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,697
I was told to "zip it!"�
304
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,460
The whole country of Mexico...
305
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,196
is expecting to get their leg back
on Saturday.
306
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,669
Delightful!
307
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,532
That leg means a lot to them...
308
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,802
and my driver's license means a lot to me.
309
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,867
What does the leg have to do
with your driver's license?
310
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,709
Use your head, boy!
311
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:51,075
The Mexicans have diplomats.
They'll pull some strings...
312
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:54,814
get me my license,
then I'll give them back their leg!
313
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:58,523
HANK: The police will come after you.
COTTON: That's my offer.
314
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,423
Take it back to your people.
315
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:01,927
[Hank sighing]
316
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:04,891
[Dale laughing]
317
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,967
They never look in the most obvious place.
318
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:12,903
Colonel, shall we retire to the leg room?
319
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:15,935
[Mexican music playing]
320
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,305
Maybe that policewoman was right.
321
00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,816
I've never seen Dad like this before.
322
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,376
He's not his crazy old self anymore.
323
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,920
He's acting crazy!
324
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,250
Well, stick a pin in me, I'm dreaming.
325
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,760
I have been saying that to you for 22 years!
326
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,797
Aunt Peg, Uncle Hank,
I just heard on the news.
327
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:40,060
There's a Santa Claus exhibit
at the museum...
328
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:42,226
and someone stole his leg!
329
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:43,359
[Luanne moaning]
330
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,064
Colonel, I just want to say
it's been an honor...
331
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,575
fighting with you against Hank
and his forces.
332
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,704
You can rest assured,
I am with you all the way.
333
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:56,248
You got any of them little
goldfish crackers?
334
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,441
[Doorbell rings]
335
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:00,275
[Gasps]
336
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,816
He did it! He took the leg!
337
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,415
It was his idea! You can have it back!
338
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:06,682
DALE: Oh, no!
339
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:10,662
It's gone! Where'd you put it,
you shinless old freak?
340
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,730
What did you...
You're a worse traitor than Hank!
341
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,528
I know how to deal with traitors.
342
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:16,591
[Dale screams]
343
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,764
Sir, you're gonna want
to give me that leg right now...
344
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,773
before you get in any more trouble.
345
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:25,300
COTTON: I need that leg for leverage
in my negotiations...
346
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,107
with the Mexican government!
347
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,647
They took my shins...
348
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,115
and put them on display
in the Emperor's pagoda!
349
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,447
That's the thanks I get
for flossing them Nazis?
350
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:36,113
You tell the meter maid
I want my car back!
351
00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:39,221
I can drive myself.
They just changed the chart!
352
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:43,523
"Some day Governor Reagan
will run for President!�
353
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:45,562
[Cotton mumbling incoherently]
354
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,498
PSYCHIATRIST: We felt
the psychological evaluation ended...
355
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,767
after he claimed Doctor Miyoshi's
stethoscope as a war trophy.
356
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,603
What are you gonna do?
357
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,200
[Hopefully] Keep him here forever?
358
00:17:57,276 --> 00:18:00,871
That's up to you. It's my opinion
that he requires supervision.
359
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,108
Either he stays here...
360
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:05,207
or you and your wife need
to watch him 24 hours a day.
361
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,349
[Woman announcer on P.A. system]
362
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,155
Hey, Dad! How do you like it here?
363
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,716
Find someplace else to stand, fatty!
364
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:17,695
See, you know his name.
He's already made a friend.
365
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:18,941
See, he knows his name.
366
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:19,158
See, he knows his name.
367
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:21,325
Look, Peggy, board games!
368
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,494
HANK: Checkers.
PEGGY: I love checkers!
369
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:25,560
HANK: Dominoes. Chutes and Ladders.
370
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:29,535
Why, if I didn't have to work every day,
I'd come here!
371
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:30,599
[Grunting]
372
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,368
[Hank hems]
373
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,745
Dad, I know a lot has happened
in the last day or so...
374
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,580
but I need to know where that leg is.
375
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:42,313
If I give the leg back, can I get out of here?
376
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,618
We'll see. It's not up to me.
377
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,525
All right. It's in Gribble's golf bag.
378
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,264
I drew a "1" on it,
and signed it "Lee Trevino."
379
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:56,359
All right, then. Dale's golf bag.
Take it easy, Dad.
380
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:58,927
[Cotton grunts]
381
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:02,703
Don't forget about your old man.
You'll come back for me, right, boy?
382
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:03,901
[Cotton laughing nervously]
383
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:10,082
Well, it's not so bad in there, really.
384
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,885
Peggy, come on. That was awful.
385
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,985
My father hates it in there.
386
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:19,551
But it's not like I can watch him
24 hours a day.
387
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,182
No, you cannot.
388
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:24,688
Just wouldn't be fair to you, or me,
or Bobby.
389
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:27,126
Maybe we're being too picky about this VA.
390
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,668
You know, Consumer Reports
gave it a B-minus.
391
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,863
Well, that's above average.
392
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,307
Hank, how are you gonna break it to him?
393
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:37,465
[Sighing]
394
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,811
[Sad instrumental music]
395
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:02,928
[Cotton stutters]
396
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,435
Am I gonna live with you and Hank's wife?
397
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:07,930
No.
398
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,805
But I told you where the leg was!
399
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,866
I know, and I gave it to the police.
400
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:15,312
Look, Dad, I can't take care of you
all day long...
401
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,440
and you wouldn't really want it that way.
402
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:20,110
So, there's only one other option.
403
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,585
COTTON: Didi! What's she doing here?
I told you it was over, woman!
404
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,183
I told him the same thing.
405
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,627
But he said I have to sign something
to get the Cadillac car.
406
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:33,664
[Jazz music playing on record player]
407
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:34,894
[Didi sighs]
408
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:42,302
They've got you in a baby gown.
Look at the baby.
409
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:45,604
[Cotton giggling]
410
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:47,635
COTTON: Stop!
411
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:48,839
[Hank clearing his throat]
412
00:20:50,282 --> 00:20:51,681
I'll get those.
413
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:57,983
COTTON: Honey, I'm sorry
I said your butt was too small.
414
00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,082
If anything, it's too big!
415
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:03,691
But I likes you for who you is.
416
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,632
Come on, little baby boy,
I'll drive you home.
417
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,862
[Military music playing]
418
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:20,103
That is retired Captain Barissimo de Fino.
419
00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:24,138
When he straps on Santa Anna's leg,
and walks it from our flag to his...
420
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:27,447
it will be officially returned
to the Mexican peoples.
421
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,352
[All gasping]
422
00:21:30,489 --> 00:21:33,584
Well, the important thing is,
they got it back.
423
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:38,162
Hey, wait a minute!
That's the leg I made for the play.
424
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:43,632
Here you are, sefior. One driver's license.
425
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:46,329
Thank you! And here you are.
426
00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:48,429
One San tie Annie's leg.
427
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,018
[Mexican music playing]
428
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:51,874
[Mexican music playing]
429
00:21:57,082 --> 00:22:00,245
MALE ANNOUNCER: The story you've
just seen is based on a true event.
430
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,220
At the battle of Cerro Gordo in 1847...
431
00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:06,486
the Illinois Volunteer Infantry
captured the artificial leg...
432
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:09,620
of Mexican General
Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna...
433
00:22:09,695 --> 00:22:13,325
while the general and his men
feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.
434
00:22:13,399 --> 00:22:17,666
Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg
still resides in an Illinois museum.
435
00:22:17,736 --> 00:22:22,139
If you would like to join the movement
to help return the leg to Mexico...
436
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:25,007
write I Hi no is Senator Richard J. Durbin.
437
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:27,055
Thank you, and good night.
438
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:27,136
Thank you, and good night.
439
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,724
COTTON: That's a good one, baby cakes!
440
00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:29,771
COTTON: That's a good one, baby cakes!
441
00:22:29,821 --> 00:22:34,371
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