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1
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:06,369
[Theme song playing]
2
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,258
[Idyllic instrumental music]
3
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:34,594
[Birds chirping]
4
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,737
[Hank humming
patriotic instrumental music]
5
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:45,768
[Horn honking]
6
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,937
[Laughing]
7
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:49,942
[Hank continues humming]
8
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,110
[Sniffs]
9
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,313
[Sighs]
10
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:01,918
[Grunts]
11
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:03,730
[Tense instrumental music]
12
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,889
[Gasps]
13
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,524
HANK: No!
14
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,065
These are my personal,
private undergarments.
15
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:11,104
Now the whole neighborhood
knows I wear them.
16
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:14,004
Well, I am sorry, Hank.
The dryer broke again.
17
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,974
It's actually moistening our clothes now.
18
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,273
Okay. We'll buy a new dryer.
19
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:20,609
Just help me get the rest of these down.
20
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:21,704
[Gasps]
21
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:22,908
[Luanne groans]
22
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,383
BOBBY: Let's buy this one.
23
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:32,255
It's like watching TV,
only the show is about wet clothes.
24
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,119
You folks have any questions?
25
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,787
Why, yes. I do.
26
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:39,333
Could you tell me the difference
between an electric dryer...
27
00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:41,060
HANK: and a propane dryer?
CLERK: Sure.
28
00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:42,966
A propane dryer costs a little more--
29
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,367
Only at first.
30
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:47,303
When you factor in
the lifetime cost of ownership...
31
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:50,469
propane comes out on top.
Let me run through the numbers.
32
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,844
A family of four
does three and a half loads a week.
33
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:55,874
Hey.
34
00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:57,841
LUANNE: Hello, Buckley!
35
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,009
Hey.
36
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,418
When did you get promoted to greeter?
37
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:03,422
Yester-hey-day.
38
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,922
And if the current trend
in electric rates continues...
39
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,860
you'll be glad you did.
40
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,454
Here's my card,
in case you have any other questions.
41
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:13,829
Can we just take the Spinmore, please?
42
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,733
Would you be interested in applying
for a Mega Lo card?
43
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:17,861
No, thanks.
44
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,600
HANK: The last thing I need
is another credit card.
45
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,151
I've already got one.
46
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:22,198
I've already got one.
47
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,410
PEGGY: Hold on. No money down...
48
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:26,479
no interest for six months...
49
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,241
and 10 percent off our first purchase.
50
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:30,714
10 percent off?
51
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,081
Well, Chuck Mangione supports it...
52
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,645
and his diet shakes did okay by me.
53
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,914
[Muzak plays on loudspeaker]
54
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,192
BOBBY: Hi, Luanne.
LUANNE: Hi, Bobby.
55
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,027
Hi, Buckley.
56
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:46,892
LUANNE: [Whispers] He's on break.
57
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,935
Where's Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy?
58
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,300
I thought I'd give them some time alone...
59
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,339
so they could, you know.
60
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,335
LUANNE: What?
BOBBY: You know.
61
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,611
Buy me a birthday present.
62
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,046
I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?
63
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:02,479
I don't think so.
64
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,574
Your birthday's not till next month.
65
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,141
Think about it, Luanne.
66
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:09,814
Why would you bring a child
to a department store to buy a dryer...
67
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,222
when his birthday is three
and a half weeks away?
68
00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:13,919
It just doesn't make sense.
69
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,793
They're watching me,
trying to get into my head...
70
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,058
see what I really want in a present.
71
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,329
No, I'm pretty sure
we're just buying a dryer.
72
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,470
[Mockingly] Okay, Luanne.
73
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:28,506
When Mom and Dad
get done buying the dryer...
74
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,178
tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes...
75
00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:33,075
holding a Toblerone.
76
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:36,005
Hey.
77
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,107
[Computer beeping]
78
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,346
SALESMAN: Okay, Mr. Hill.
Your credit's been...
79
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:40,352
Rejected?
80
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,113
But why?
81
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,988
The computer doesn't say. I'm sorry. Next.
82
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:48,959
Hold on a minute. You made a mistake.
I have perfect credit.
83
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:52,431
I think I recognize a frowny face
when I see one.
84
00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:54,963
Hank, why don't we just pay with a check?
85
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,300
Sorry. We can't take checks from people
with bad credit.
86
00:03:58,438 --> 00:04:00,167
[Thumping]
87
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:04,569
BOBBY: I'm having the time of my life,
and it's on sale!
88
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:07,780
HANK: Thanks for trying, Melinda.
89
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,408
But I'm pretty sure
you can't just look up my credit...
90
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,647
unless I send a permission letter
to my credit bureau.
91
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,054
No, it's a piece of cake.
All you need is a $10 processing fee.
92
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,252
STRICKLAND: I'll deduct that
from your paycheck.
93
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,851
Mr. Strickland!
94
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,222
HANK: I was just...
MELINDA: Hank's got bad credit.
95
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:26,894
Well, there's the rat hair in your tuna.
96
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:30,665
It seems like you're in the hole
$40 to Arlen Video.
97
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,196
What?
98
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,974
HANK: It says I owe $40,
and that can't be true.
99
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,909
I always bring back my tapes.
Look for yourself.
100
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,880
I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
101
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:43,439
Okay.
102
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,814
"Hank Hill, June 23."
103
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,377
You rented and never returned
Cuffs and Collars.
104
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,855
I've never even heard of that. Have you?
105
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,255
Unless it's got the name
"Merchant ivory"...
106
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:55,454
or "Billy Crystal� above the title,
I am not interested.
107
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,724
Wait a minute.
108
00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,298
They're buying me a movie for my birthday.
109
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:01,960
That's why we're here, right?
110
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,834
Really, Bobby, they haven't said anything.
111
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:08,568
HANK: Bobby, you ever heard of a
movie called Cuffs and Collars?
112
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,837
I think that's the one with the two cops
who don't get along...
113
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:15,473
but then they do, but it's too late
because he's dead, but not really.
114
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,517
HANK: So you've seen it?
BOBBY: No.
115
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:19,282
How about you, Luanne?
116
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,712
[Sarcastically] "No,
you're not getting a movie, Bobby."
117
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,686
You are so smooth.
118
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,486
Nope, we didn't rent it.
119
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:32,362
So if you could please erase the $40
and penalize yourself...
120
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,901
whatever you think is fair,
we'll be on our way.
121
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,460
Sorry, but the computer
won't let me erase anything...
122
00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:40,268
until you either return the tape
or pay the $40.
123
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,240
I told you, I didn't rent the tape.
124
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,676
Now who's calling me a liar,
you or the machine?
125
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,439
I want to know whose ass to kick.
126
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,107
CLERK: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
HANK: Fine.
127
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,514
Now, where's the ass on this thing?
128
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:54,450
I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape!
129
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,087
Absolutely not.
130
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:58,749
I won't pay for someone else's screw-up.
131
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:02,829
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape
was sitting on the shelf right now!
132
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,298
Where would Cuffs and Collars be?
133
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,892
Action-Adventure, Action-Comedy,
Action-Action?
134
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,027
CLERK: Make a left.
HANK: Okay.
135
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,809
[Shrieking]
136
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:18,705
[Sexy instrumental music]
137
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:20,913
[Both tsking]
138
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:27,414
HANK: How could they think
I'd rent a stag film, Peggy?
139
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:30,079
HANK: I'm married.
PEGGY: I think we should just pay.
140
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:32,784
No. I've got to prove my innocence.
141
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:36,452
Now, wasn't June 23
the day I went to my dad's...
142
00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:39,260
-and installed grab bars in his shower?
-Nope.
143
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:44,293
June 23, I played Boggle at Nancy's
and left you home alone.
144
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:48,106
Peggy, you don't think I actually rented--
145
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,302
I don't care if you did or you didn't.
146
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:52,345
You should care, because I didn't.
147
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,176
Really, it doesn't matter.
148
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,612
It does matter.
149
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:59,516
It's important you believe me
when I say I didn't rent the tape.
150
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,680
Honey, okay, I believe you.
151
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,956
Now, I just have one question.
152
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,149
Did you rent the tape?
153
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,989
HANK: No.
PEGGY: All right, then.
154
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:10,390
But whether you did or you didn't,
I still think we should just pay.
155
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:13,433
The last thing I want is for people
to be talking about this.
156
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,093
Especially in front of Bobby.
157
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,158
[Gasping]
158
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,768
Luanne, it's even better than I thought!
159
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,873
Mom and Dad
are throwing me a surprise party!
160
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,112
So, Nancy tells me
she ran into John Redcorn...
161
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,615
at the video store.
162
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:33,449
The two of them heard you complaining
about some porno tape you lost.
163
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,985
Yeah, man! Talk about
that dang old Cuffs and Collars.
164
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:40,186
When they come over to clean that pool,
you start going like...
165
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,455
[Humming sleazy tune]
166
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,963
Quit it. I didn't rent that movie.
167
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:47,294
I'm glad I'm not the only one...
168
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,302
who is disgusted by pornography.
169
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,862
It's offensive. It's demeaning.
170
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,568
It creates a standard of idealized beauty...
171
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,271
that your average man can't compete with.
172
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,441
Don't worry, Bill. I'm not gonna let
my credit and good name...
173
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,950
be done in by a damn computer error.
174
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,850
Computers don't make errors.
175
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,116
What they do, they do on purpose.
176
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,918
By now your name and particulars...
177
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:16,156
have been fed into every laptop, desktop,
mainframe, and supermarket scanner...
178
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:19,255
that collectively make up
the global information conspiracy...
179
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,892
otherwise known as The Beast.
180
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,296
Dale, I'm having a problem
with one videotape...
181
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:28,134
not some kind of high-tech bogeyman.
182
00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:29,639
You just be careful.
183
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,735
Computers have already
beaten the Communists at chess.
184
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:35,973
Next thing you know,
they'll be beating humans.
185
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:37,980
[Telephone ringing]
186
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,377
Strickland Propane.
"Taste the meat, not the heat."
187
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,252
MATT: Hello, Hank?
HANK: Speaking.
188
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,417
MATT: How're you doing? It's Matt.
189
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,423
Hey, Matt. How you been?
190
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,018
MATT: Pretty good.
191
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,186
[Hemming]
192
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,592
MATT: So how's Peggy?
193
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,630
She's fine. And how's...
194
00:08:58,805 --> 00:08:59,829
Do I know you?
195
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:02,568
If you liked Cuffs and Collars,
you'll love Rug Burn, too.
196
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,406
By "Rug Burn, too," I mean "also."�
197
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,808
Rug Burn Two isn't very good.
198
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,870
What? But... Who is this?
199
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,039
You know, Matt, from Consenting Adults.
200
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,642
The largest supplier
of mail-order adult entertainment.
201
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,279
MATT: How many can I put you down for?
HANK: Zero! God!
202
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:18,655
Please watch your mouth!
This is an interstate phone line.
203
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,157
How did you get this number?
204
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,024
Not important. What is important is...
205
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,688
we have more selection
and lower prices than Arlen Video.
206
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:24,940
What? Arlen Video told you
I rent pornography?
207
00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:28,730
What? Arlen Video told you
I rent pornography?
208
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,893
[Hank laughing nervously]
209
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,139
Who plays the most hits?
210
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,875
Y104! Yeah, okay.
211
00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:38,437
Crazy Morning Zoo.
212
00:09:39,646 --> 00:09:42,081
[Tense instrumental music]
213
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,147
[Machine whirring]
214
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,377
[Beeping]
215
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,182
[Dramatic instrumental music]
216
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,561
BILL: Shame on you, Hank Hill!
217
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:09,505
What you do in the privacy
of your own home is disgusting enough.
218
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:12,443
But to let it spill out into our streets...
219
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:16,710
where my future children
will someday play?
220
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,111
That is going too far.
221
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:20,880
Shame!
222
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:26,522
[Shouting] Shame!
223
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,322
I would like the luxury
of vomiting on myself right now.
224
00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:32,922
But I don't have any clean clothes
to change into.
225
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:35,491
Would you just pay the bill
so I can get a new dryer?
226
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:39,129
DALE: It's too late.
The Beast's already got him in its jaws.
227
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:42,737
Your only way out is to start life over
with a new identity.
228
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,301
If you want,
I can get you the birth certificate...
229
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,710
of a child who died in 1953.
230
00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:49,275
It's hardly been used.
231
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,443
No, I am not a quitter.
232
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,086
Who's not a quitter?
233
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,178
My dead friend, Hank Hill...
234
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,088
or my new friend, Rusty Shackleford?
235
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:02,085
Look, just help me get this smut
back to the post office.
236
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,800
Bobby! Do not get off the bus!
237
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,434
BOBBY: Look at all those cards and gifts.
238
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,735
This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
239
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,805
FEMALE CLERK: Next!
240
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,003
[Hank stuttering]
241
00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:23,606
These magazines and equipment
were delivered to my home.
242
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,211
I want you to return to sender...
243
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,516
and take my name off these mailing lists.
244
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,148
Post office can't take you off
the mailing lists.
245
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,250
You need to call the company
you bought your pornography from.
246
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,888
I don't buy pornography!
I don't want this. Take it back.
247
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:44,402
If you want to file a complaint,
fill out this form.
248
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,495
We'll enter it in the computer.
249
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:49,634
No forms, no computers.
We were never here.
250
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,541
Don't feed The Beast.
251
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:55,172
OLD LADY: Mr. Hank Hill,
you threw out your mail, son.
252
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,979
Don't you want
to "prolong your love-making pleasure...
253
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,110
"for just pennies a night"? Mr. Hank--
254
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:01,176
Give me that!
255
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,086
Don't you people understand?
256
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:07,487
If I don't fight, someday
it could be your name on these plugs.
257
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:10,257
HANK: I'm doing this for all of you!
258
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,228
Do you know this guy?
259
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,130
No dad gum way, man!
260
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,828
That's some dirty old man,
hanging around sex toys, man.
261
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,598
Back at my place if you're interested.
262
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,139
Boomhauer, no!
263
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,365
I can do without Bill by my side.
264
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,843
He brings nothing to this fight. But you?
265
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,175
You should have seen this coming, Hank.
266
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,978
One by one, your friends will desert you.
267
00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:32,251
I'll be next.
268
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:38,813
Now Dale, this stuff about The Beast.
You made all that up, right?
269
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,389
HANK: Of course, you did.
DALE: Oh, no.
270
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:45,054
Everything has been foretold
in the Book of Revelations.
271
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,699
You just stepped in a diaper.
272
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:48,893
[Police siren wailing]
273
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:51,869
HANK: Damn, it's the vice squad!
They must have followed us.
274
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,531
Quick, Dale. Bury the...
275
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,732
Dale?
276
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,432
[Panting]
277
00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,774
Sir, this is a municipal dump.
All garbage must...
278
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,372
Wait a minute.
279
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,545
This Superglide is oil-based.
280
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,517
That's a petroleum by-product.
You can't throw that out here.
281
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,454
Same with the batteries in your vibrator.
282
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,083
This is not my... And it's not a...
283
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:16,961
HANK: It's a wand massager.
It says so right on the box.
284
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,725
COP: All right. Give me your license.
285
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,495
I'm gonna run you through the computer.
286
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,163
[Stammering]
287
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,365
I don't have my license on me
at the moment.
288
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,839
But I can tell you that I was born in 1953.
289
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,509
As a child, I was quite ill.
290
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,447
[Adventurous instrumental music]
291
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,108
[Grunting]
292
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,550
[Groaning]
293
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,554
LUANNE: Surprise!
BOBBY: What?
294
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:50,957
I had no idea! When did you plan this?
295
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,361
[Giggling]
296
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:53,661
How was that, Luanne?
297
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,462
Let's try it again.
298
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,060
[Singing]
299
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,205
PEGGY: What the hell?
300
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,777
HANK: Peggy, thank God you're here!
301
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:15,146
Hello, I'm Hank Hill,
and I'd like you to sign my petition.
302
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:18,952
Hank Hill, I want you to get in the car now,
before the whole town sees you.
303
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,094
I am not a quitter,
and I don't rent pornography.
304
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,893
I'm begging you, Hank. Pay the $40.
305
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:29,694
We will buy a new dryer and you can
finally change your underwear.
306
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,259
Honey, it's the right thing to do.
307
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:34,466
Not until I prove my innocence,
once and for all.
308
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:38,371
That's why I'm taking Arlen Video
to small-claims court, Peggy.
309
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,876
I'm putting the whole system on trial.
310
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,843
You have not heard a word I've said.
311
00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:45,509
What do I do to get through to you?
312
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:48,452
Take off my shirt and dance
like the women in your movies?
313
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,455
I don't rent those movies!
314
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:53,616
Hank, if you want to keep up
your silly little battle...
315
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,491
then you go it alone.
316
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,293
I am sorry.
317
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:06,403
[Melancholy instrumental music]
318
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,005
[Car honking]
319
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:18,345
[Mumbling]
320
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,388
DALE: Man! His trial is tomorrow,
and he's going in there...
321
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,923
with nothing but six honks
and one signature.
322
00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:25,617
And that's on his leg.
323
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,554
DALE: Darn taggers!
BILL: It's sad, really.
324
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,288
All he wanted was for his clothes to be dry.
325
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,455
Yup.
326
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:33,556
Yup.
327
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:34,623
Oh, yeah.
328
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,625
[Horn honking]
329
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,299
[Pop music playing on car stereo]
330
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,537
[Tires squealing]
331
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,208
[Laughing]
332
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,189
[Mysterious instrumental music]
333
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:01,793
BOBBY: Mom, look what Dad got me.
334
00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:05,756
There's Cuffs and Collars,
and a whole bunch of other cop movies.
335
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,865
Jailbait, Hung Jury--
336
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,799
How dare you try
to expose my son to these...
337
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,265
police tapes that are so degrading...
338
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,903
to law enforcement officials!
339
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,172
PEGGY: You never saw these.
BOBBY: Gotcha.
340
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,838
It's a surprise.
341
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,038
Don't worry, I didn't read the card.
342
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,139
[Gasps]
343
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:25,540
[Groans]
344
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:32,816
"I believe you, Hank.
345
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,723
"The answer is in the tapes.
346
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:35,987
"A friend.�
347
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,820
[Grunts]
348
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,624
"I need these back when you're done.
349
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,066
"A friend.�
350
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,900
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
351
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,305
[Sighs]
352
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:58,607
Okay.
353
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:02,751
[Erotic music playing on TV]
354
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:05,223
ACTOR 1: Hey, did somebody
call a plumber?
355
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:08,084
ACTRESS 1: Come on in.
I'll show you where the leak is.
356
00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,426
No, not...
357
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,854
Oh, God!
358
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,302
ACTRESS 2: You want me to frisk you?
359
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:23,107
What kind of cop are you?
360
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,207
ACTOR 2: A bad one.
361
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,202
[Gasps]
362
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:28,937
[Peggy moans]
363
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,608
PEGGY: Bobby! For the love of God!
364
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,585
[Screaming] Get out of the house!
365
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:36,613
BOBBY: Okay.
366
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:41,555
BOBBY: My mom told us to stay away
for three hours.
367
00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:44,830
My birthday party must be today.
368
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:45,955
[Squeals]
369
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,467
Then I guess this haircut is free!
370
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,363
I'm still supposed to charge you
for the shampoo.
371
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,737
ACTRESS 3: Here, let me hold that.
372
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,103
ACTOR 3: Thanks, officer.
Say, are you a mounted police?
373
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:58,734
ACTRESS 3: Not yet.
374
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,744
"But a girl can dream.�
375
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,904
Wait a minute! That's it!
376
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:04,441
That's it!
377
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,678
[Laughing happily]
378
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,344
Yeah, that's it!
379
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,287
You are hereby ordered to pay damages
in the amount of $1.50...
380
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,351
and return the plaintiff's sunglasses.
381
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:17,485
[Laughs]
382
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,425
JUDGE: Next case.
383
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,696
Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.
384
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:28,203
Mr. Hill, you allege that you have been
the target of systematic harassment...
385
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,574
at the hands of a major international
computer conspiracy...
386
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,442
known as The Beast.
387
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,578
That is correct, Your Honor.
388
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:38,681
JUDGE: Mr. Hill,
why don"t you just pay the $40?
389
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,386
Because I did not rent the tape...
390
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,884
and I can prove it!
391
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,191
LUANNE: It's pretty quiet.
392
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:47,156
BOBBY: And there are no cars.
393
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,490
I wonder where the magician parked.
394
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,561
Surprise!
395
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,789
[Yells]
396
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,857
[Mutters]
397
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,165
They must be in my bedroom.
398
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,075
[Laughing] Surprise!
399
00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:06,201
[Squeals]
400
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,319
HANK: Cuffs and Collars.
401
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,757
The tape I never rented.
402
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,223
68 minutes into the film,
actress Didi Cupp...
403
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:24,557
bends over to shoe her horse.
404
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,564
Now, if you pause the tape
and look closely...
405
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,761
you can just make out a tattoo
on Didi's left buttock that reads:
406
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:34,400
"I heart Charlie Sheen."
407
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:39,175
Mrs. Cupp also makes
an uncredited cameo in Jailbait.
408
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:43,541
A tape which marks veteran porn star
Fernanda Valley's return...
409
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:48,019
to the adult film industry
on the occasion of her 18th birthday.
410
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,314
Now, at the 70 minute mark...
411
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:53,015
Didi bends over to shoe a donkey.
412
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,951
What do we see on her left buttock?
413
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:59,362
Nothing! There is no tattoo.
414
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,158
This can only mean that Jailbait...
415
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,402
was made before Cuffs and Collars.
416
00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:07,765
Now, why is this important?
417
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:12,173
Because Fernanda Valley
turned 18 on July 5.
418
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:15,379
Two weeks after I supposedly rented...
419
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,109
Cuffs and Collars.
420
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:22,477
Is it possible I walked into Arlen Video
on June 23...
421
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,388
and rented a movie that didn't even exist?
422
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,517
I think not!
423
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:29,094
[People cheering]
424
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,428
[Judge banging gavel]
425
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:34,489
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
426
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,231
Arlen Video is hereby ordered
to remove the debt from its computer.
427
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:39,832
[People cheer]
428
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:43,233
And let the record show
that Mr. Hank Hill...
429
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,505
really knows his pornography.
430
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,271
Thank you, Your Honor.
431
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:49,511
[Mysterious instrumental music]
432
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,811
You did it, Hank. You won.
433
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,981
We can finally put this nightmare
behind us.
434
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:00,486
Oh, no.
435
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,390
This isn't over yet.
436
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,360
[Cash register beeping]
437
00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:08,192
[Tense instrumental music]
438
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:11,392
[Gulps]
439
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,335
Approved!
440
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,069
The dryer's yours.
441
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,771
[Triumphant instrumental music]
442
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:22,643
I can't believe they forgot my birthday.
443
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:24,778
Don't worry.
444
00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:27,649
They've still got a whole month
to remember.
445
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,210
[Cheering]
446
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,212
[Cars honking]
447
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:33,720
You got me, Luanne!
448
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,022
You knew the whole time, didn't you?
449
00:21:36,562 --> 00:21:37,620
Yeah.
450
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:38,720
[Laughing]
451
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:40,632
BOBBY: I don't believe it.
452
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:43,464
A dryer! It's perfect!
453
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:44,961
Yup.
454
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:52,501
BOBBY: This is the best birthday ever!
455
00:21:55,514 --> 00:21:58,211
[Sexy version of theme song playing]
456
00:22:25,411 --> 00:22:28,108
BOOMHAUER: Start going like...
457
00:22:28,158 --> 00:22:32,708
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