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1
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:04,902
[Clicking]
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,406
['80s pop music playing on jukebox]
3
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,533
[Theme song playing]
4
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,962
PEGGY: Oh, Minh,
you didn't have to bring cookies.
5
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:09,094
Hearing about all of little Connie's
academic achievements...
6
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,900
PEGGY: is all the treat that we need.
MINH: Oh, no problem.
7
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:15,408
Don't want them getting stale
while we go on luxury trip to Mexico.
8
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:19,935
Mexico! Oh, Hank and I used to go
every time they devalued the peso.
9
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,204
That got old pretty quick.
10
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:27,216
We stay in beautiful mitad duplex condo
with Kahn's brother and family.
11
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,217
Oh, yes, lovely.
12
00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:31,690
What mitad mean, exactly, in English?
13
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,723
First class? Deluxe?
14
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:35,319
Mitad.
15
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,964
You know, that's one of those words
that doesn't translate easily.
16
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,626
Extra-special luxury?
17
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,999
It conveys the idea of simple,
but relatively clean, living.
18
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,432
Stupid brother!
19
00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:52,411
Now he back out on the trip and we
stuck with full charge for condo rent.
20
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:55,915
We can't afford that.
We just bought a CD jukebox.
21
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,074
[Grunts]
22
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:00,882
Maybe cracker neighbor some use after all.
23
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,319
Howdy, neighbor!
24
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:08,755
HANK: Well, sure, there are some pros.
It's a good deal.
25
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,196
I guess there's
nothing tying us to the house...
26
00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:15,030
now that we've got automatic sprinklers,
but there's also the cons...
27
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,763
the biggest one being, well, Kahn.
28
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,599
Hank, I saw the brochure.
29
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:23,234
The condo is two stories and very mitad.
30
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,705
You would barely have to see him.
31
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,540
If we stayed home,
I wouldn't have to see him at all.
32
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:30,947
I can't think of a better vacation than that.
33
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:34,318
But it's also an opportunity to learn
about another culture.
34
00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:38,389
Now, the last time Bobby went
to Mexico, he was still on the breast.
35
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,619
I love Mexico.
36
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,789
They fast-track new makeup
straight to the consumer.
37
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:48,059
Here, the FDA tests and tests for years.
It's like they don't care how we look.
38
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,603
Oh, come on, Hank.
39
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,196
I can finally replace
that papier-mach� pear I got...
40
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,536
when I was an exchange student in Oaxaca.
41
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:58,839
Come on, Dad! It's the real-life home
of TV's Monsignor Martinez.
42
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:01,871
Well, okay.
43
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:05,680
If you all want to go,
I guess it's buenos dias, Mexico.
44
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,313
Oh, Hank, I'm sorry...
45
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:11,847
but you just said, "Good Gods, Mexico."
46
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:12,915
[Peggy laughs]
47
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:17,692
DALE: I wish I could go
on a luxury Mexican vacation.
48
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:21,564
It must be pretty expensive to stay
in one of those mitad condos.
49
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,594
Must cost at least $500.
50
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:27,296
Maybe you got it for $350?
51
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,133
How much you paying?
52
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,109
I tell you what, man, about Mexico, man.
53
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,840
You go down and you load up
on those dang ol' Chiclets.
54
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,507
You go there to wheel and deal...
55
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:38,745
with dang ol' guys
talking about caminos dos mujeres.
56
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,444
I think it's nice
that you're going away, Hank.
57
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,957
You need a good vacation
with your new best friend Kahn...
58
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,823
who you love so much.
59
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,289
Yes, Bill. I love Kahn.
60
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:53,560
Maybe if this trip works out,
I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever.
61
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,499
Is that what you want to hear?
62
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,761
[Whining] No.
63
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,337
[Upbeat instrumental music]
64
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:05,971
[Tires screech]
65
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,913
Every time I try to pass,
hillbilly woman speed up.
66
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,043
Don't be silly.
Peggy Hill not even thinking about you.
67
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,190
[Peggy and Hank laugh]
68
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,194
PEGGY: Think again, hotshot.
69
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,162
[Peggy and Hank laugh]
70
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:25,827
[Instrumental Mexican music]
71
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,196
[Kahn hollers]
72
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:28,827
[Tires screech]
73
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,233
Did you see that?
74
00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:34,365
Hey, no fair. You're making a mockery
of the breakdown lane!
75
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,707
BOBBY: Why is there
such a big fence, Dad?
76
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:42,345
Well, millions of people come to America
in search of a better life...
77
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:45,214
and we've decided
we don't need that many.
78
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,186
Did the So up ha no us in phones
come through the fence?
79
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,985
No, Bobby. Kahn applied the legal way.
80
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,454
Sometimes the system fails us.
81
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,154
[Laughs]
82
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,700
Hey, check out this dangerous character.
83
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:01,928
[Exclaims]
84
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,403
Watch out! You think he's running guns?
85
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,495
[Kahn laughs]
86
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,803
OFFICER: Sir, pull your vehicle
over to the inspection area, please.
87
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:11,708
He was joking.
Tell him you were joking, Kahn.
88
00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:13,974
Let him look. You got nothing to hide.
89
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,310
See you at condo.
90
00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:21,076
[Sighs]
91
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,181
[Crickets chirping]
92
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,123
JACINTO: Don't steal the towels.
You take, I charge.
93
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,793
This is a mini-bar.
94
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,724
You use, you pay.
95
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:33,529
Now, for the tour of the condo.
96
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,095
KAHN: "Condo."
Wait a minute. Where the rest of it?
97
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,105
I pay for mitad condo, two floors.
98
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,966
This condo plenty mitad, but only one floor.
99
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,603
What are you trying to pull,
ol' bait and switch?
100
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,874
"Mitad."
101
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:48,945
"Mitad" means "half.�
102
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,216
Just downstairs, not upstairs.
103
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,514
JACINTO: Me comprendes--
KAHN: Just downstairs?
104
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:57,284
I can't spend whole weekend squished
side by side with redneck neighbor.
105
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,520
JACINTO: No, don't worry
about any redneck neighbor.
106
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:04,253
Nobody's rented the upstairs.
It's completely vacant.
107
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:05,892
[Kahn exclaims]
108
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,364
But where are the bathroom?
109
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:08,868
Oh, there's only one bathroom.
110
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,596
But, hey, the tub is big enough
for two people.
111
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:12,661
[Screams]
112
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,667
[Mexican instrumental music]
113
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,908
I come to see Mexico...
114
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:27,217
not Hank Hill squeezing this year's butt
into last year's swimsuit.
115
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,114
[Thumping]
116
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,365
[Door creaks]
117
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,356
[Door creaks]
118
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,358
HANK: Oh, no!
You're not getting the upstairs...
119
00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:36,157
not after what you did to me
back there at the border.
120
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,926
Okay. You take high-class
penthouse with view.
121
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,990
We take downstairs hovel.
122
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,396
Here's key. Lock little sticky.
123
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:46,633
You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
124
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:49,368
HANK: This is a car key.
KAHN: Yeah. You win new car.
125
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,911
This big game show. Just rake it, stupid.
126
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,269
[Hank grunts]
127
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,543
Well, it probably just needs a little WD-40.
128
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,550
Peggy, which bag has our bathroom stuff?
129
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,186
[Mexican instrumental music]
130
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:06,289
PEGGY: Come on, kids, andale.
We're off to the papier-mach� district.
131
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,186
We gotta sneak off on our own, Bobby.
132
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:13,028
Mom, can Connie and I go play volleyball?
133
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:18,596
Well, all right. Just make sure to apply
plenty of sunscreen, honey.
134
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,437
We are much closer to the sun here
than in Texas.
135
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:26,711
[Upbeat instrumental music]
136
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:40,251
This market is way too tacky.
137
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:43,160
They are not gonna have
papier-mach� pears.
138
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,932
LUANNE: Oh, my God! La Leche Del Sol.
139
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,695
The illegal beauty secret of the stars.
140
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:58,110
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
141
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,111
Look, Bobby! Firecrackers.
142
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,915
[Bell on door ringing]
143
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:09,779
[Bobby exclaims]
144
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:14,054
Bueno. M-80s!
Those are a quarter stick of dynamite.
145
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,688
Oh, my gosh! La Bomba.
146
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,957
Those can blow your whole arm off.
147
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,397
[Man speaking Spanish on TV]
148
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,175
[Dramatic music playing on TV]
149
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,466
[Hollers]
150
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,406
Vaya con Dios.
151
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,413
[Grunting]
152
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,513
[Exclaims]
153
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,460
Hey, this is a beer, not a fruit salad.
154
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,090
Why can't you find your own bar?
155
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,566
KAHN: I have same coupon book as you.
I just want a beer.
156
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:57,929
This is free country, isn't it?
157
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,368
[Mariachi band playing]
158
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,740
HANK: Oh, no. I don't want this. No.
159
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,605
Look, if you want to make money,
play for that guy.
160
00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,376
He's rich. Mucho dinero.
161
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,377
[Speaking Spanish]
162
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:18,058
KAHN: What? Oh, no.
You think I'm a sucker?
163
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,956
You sing for me? I sing for you.
164
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,897
How about that trash can over there?
Let's blow that up.
165
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,870
If this were a cherry bomb, I'd say yes.
166
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,064
But this is La Bomba.
167
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,539
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
168
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,305
[Bobby hesitating]
169
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,437
[Engine starts]
170
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,447
[Bobby exclaims]
171
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,711
[Bobby grumbles]
172
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:47,253
[Bobby exclaims gleefully]
173
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,922
This is our chance
to really make a statement.
174
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:54,085
[Instrumental action music]
175
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,350
[Bobby gasps]
176
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,293
[Connie grunts]
177
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:15,248
[Kahn singing]
178
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,107
Pretty good job, Kahn.
179
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:20,551
I've never heard that song
with only one note before.
180
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,281
Yeah, it all about rhythm.
181
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:26,121
Bartender, two cervezas, por favor.
182
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,464
These are all authentic,
locally crafted masks.
183
00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:43,836
In our culture, they have deep
social and religious importance.
184
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,242
Yeah, that's nice. Have you got pears?
185
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,707
Right. You're here
for the papier-mach� pear.
186
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,646
Well, the pears are not sold separately.
187
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,680
PEGGY: [Gasps] Oh, it's perfect.
188
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:55,878
[Grunts]
189
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:59,414
Oh, muchos, muchos gracias.
I'm not even going to haggle.
190
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,982
I have to pay for the frog, right?
191
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,050
VENDOR: Yes.
192
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:06,395
Of course. It is so beautiful.
I really don't know how I can thank you.
193
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,128
Senora, I have a friend
just across the border.
194
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,827
And I don't trust the mail.
195
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:13,430
The address is on the box.
Would you deliver it for me?
196
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,235
Well, that would be my pleasure, amigo.
197
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,434
Gracias.
198
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,805
Oh, my! It's wrapped prettily, isn't it?
199
00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:20,842
I wonder what is in it.
200
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,973
I'll tell you what's in there.
Cocaine, black tar, PCP, you name it.
201
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:27,280
I see 20/20 special all about this.
202
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,912
You a mule, Peggy Hill.
203
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:29,978
[Peggy gasps]
204
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,821
[Rattling]
205
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:37,961
DALE: Hank? Hank Hill? Is that you?
206
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,362
Dale? What are you doing here?
207
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,968
I was just out for a drive.
208
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,697
Thought this place
might have clean facilities.
209
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,637
Talk about a coincidence.
210
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:49,071
It's a nine-hour drive, Dale.
211
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,770
Is it? I guess I better stay then.
212
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,576
[Truck approaching]
213
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,652
CONNIE: I think it's a dud.
BOBBY: Yeah.
214
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,689
Let's give it 15 more minutes.
215
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,888
[Mexican music playing in background]
216
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,461
Hey, you! You skinny gringo.
217
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,569
I don't know you. Are you a guest?
218
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:20,231
I'm staying with the Hills in 5-B.
219
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,601
5-B? Upstairs?
220
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,674
Damn turistas! You try to rip me off?
It'll be the last time...
221
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,113
Somebody missed his siesta.
222
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:31,706
[Crickets chirping]
223
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,954
Boy, now I know
why they call it beach volleyball!
224
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,494
Volleyball is really fun.
225
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,095
Bobby, come here.
226
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:48,964
Honey, do you think I'm naive?
227
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:50,293
No.
228
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:53,437
Am I just a fool
who believes whatever I am told?
229
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:54,665
I'm sorry.
230
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:57,005
Why on earth did I trust that man?
231
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,068
There could be anything
in this package. Anything.
232
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,974
I am so estupido.
233
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,472
[Exclaims]
234
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:08,682
They had to kill ten turtles
to fill one little jar. Neat.
235
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,784
[Men chattering in Spanish]
236
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:15,186
Oh, my God! It's the police!
237
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:18,162
They know I tried
to blow up one of their monuments.
238
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,925
No, they think I'm a makeup smuggler.
239
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,627
Get outta my way!
240
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,402
[Toilet flushing]
241
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,473
We all have to put on lots of makeup.
242
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,841
[Whimpers] This tastes like turtles.
243
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,871
What in the heck is going on?
244
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:34,344
I was never here.
245
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,207
Peggy Hill is nobody's mule.
246
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,642
A pear?
247
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:43,916
Come on out here, everyone. Come on.
Get out here.
248
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,328
We have nothing to hide.
249
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:50,827
[Dale yelling]
250
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,228
[Thudding]
251
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:56,525
You will pay the condo manager
8,000 pesos.
252
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,196
DALE: But, if the key fit, you must acquit--
JUDGE: 10,000 pesos.
253
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,771
Bailiff, confiscate their identification.
254
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:07,503
HANK: Look, let's just pay the money
and go home.
255
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,072
My money not fluid.
Take weeks to raise funds.
256
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,550
KAHN: You pay. I owe you.
HANK: I can't cover it.
257
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,178
If I could just get back to Arlen,
I could have them garnish my wages.
258
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,724
But we can't leave the country.
They took our ID.
259
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:19,815
Are you kidding?
260
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:22,827
We won't have any trouble
driving through that checkpoint.
261
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:25,626
They'll just wave us through,
pretty as you please.
262
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,722
Really?
263
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,632
Well, Hank and me, 'cause we're Angloid.
264
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,430
You, they'll haul out
and give the third degree.
265
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,701
HANK: Maybe it'll be safer if we all split up.
266
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,539
Dale, you come with me.
Kahn, you're on your own.
267
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:40,545
Hey, Hill! You can't leave me.
We Americans, Hank.
268
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,273
No lime in our beer, remember?
269
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:45,113
And we sure sent those mariachis running.
270
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,811
[Kahn laughs nervously]
271
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,610
Help me, Hank.
272
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,791
HANK: You all get going now.
Dale, Kahn, and I'll be along...
273
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:57,421
after we clear up
that little misunderstanding.
274
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:58,487
[Engine starts]
275
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:06,271
I don't think this such a good idea.
276
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:09,774
HANK: Yeah? Well, here's another idea.
We go on without you.
277
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,867
Okay, all right, I get in.
278
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,075
[Kahn singing]
279
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,415
Pothole.
280
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:22,477
[Kahn yells]
281
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,645
[Dale laughs]
282
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,621
DALE: Now, just follow my lead
and play it cool.
283
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,285
What if they find Kahn?
284
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,923
DALE: If I know my Mexican legal system,
which I do...
285
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:36,696
we'll get about 15 years
with a starvation diet...
286
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,033
of moldy bread and warm water.
287
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,334
Distilled water?
288
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:41,771
[Laughs] No.
289
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:46,436
And, of course, there is a total lack
of toilet paper and privacy.
290
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:49,777
Oh, God! I can't go while people watch.
291
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,415
DALE: Then let me do the talking.
292
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,320
[Suspenseful Mexican instrumental music]
293
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,851
Morning! Where are you gentlemen from?
294
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,155
[Voice cracking] Arlen, Texas.
295
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:02,422
I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
296
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,760
Run!
297
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:06,730
[Dale yells]
298
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:08,924
[Grunts]
299
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:10,631
[Kahn yells]
300
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,405
[Chuckles uncomfortably]
301
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,633
[Whimpers]
302
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:20,841
[All panting]
303
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,252
I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
304
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,982
Okay? We're screwed.
305
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:33,625
No. We're American.
We gotta find a pay phone...
306
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,822
and hope Ross Perot's
800 number is still working.
307
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,922
Why you wanna call that nut for?
Border right there.
308
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:43,659
Millions of people cross over every day.
We can, too. No big deal.
309
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,397
Illegally? No.
310
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,570
America is my country, and I love her.
311
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,711
I wouldn't enter her
in any way that's unnatural.
312
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,438
We have no choice, Hank.
313
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,244
The INS had their cameras trained on us.
314
00:16:56,382 --> 00:16:58,476
The border guards think we're smugglers.
315
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,213
[Loudly] I'm too pretty to go to jail.
316
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,523
[Instrumental mariachi music]
317
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:13,861
Excuse me. What did it cost you
to rent those mopeds?
318
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,157
[Mutters]
319
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:18,499
Actually, we own these,
but we are looking to sell them.
320
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,935
Well, maybe we can help each other out.
321
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,834
The only thing is,
we're a little short on cash.
322
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,310
That watch belong to my grandfather.
323
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,894
That was my only pair of button-fly jeans.
324
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:31,941
That was my only pair of button-fly jeans.
325
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,620
Hey, what happened to our mopeds?
326
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:37,749
[Instrumental mariachi music]
327
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,861
Hey, look at me!
328
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:43,485
[Dale laughs]
329
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,131
Somebody look at me!
330
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,498
[Hank and Kahn yelling]
331
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,428
DALE: Did you see?
332
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,169
Yeah, Dale, you looked really cool.
333
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,472
For your next trick,
why don't I kick your ass?
334
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:01,206
Get on the back, Kahn.
Dale, you're Lucky Pierre.
335
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,509
Oh, man!
336
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,314
[Engine starts feebly]
337
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:07,753
[Motor struggling]
338
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,352
It'd be faster if we walk.
339
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:12,581
[Dale exclaims]
340
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,057
"Did you see?"
341
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:17,086
[Instrumental blues music]
342
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:27,562
[Dale mutters]
343
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,765
Have we just been captured?
344
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,948
[Patriotic instrumental music]
345
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:55,295
[Groans]
346
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,698
KAHN: Wait, Hank, I can't swim!
347
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:05,976
[Sighs] Of course you can't.
348
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:08,976
[Exclaims]
349
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,014
Look at mighty river.
350
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:15,713
So much beauty. So much power.
351
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,179
Humbles a man, huh, Hank?
352
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,553
[Panting]
353
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,518
You good friend, Hank.
354
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,528
And friendship based on truth.
355
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:26,597
I broke into top condo on purpose,
and I'm sorry.
356
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:31,602
What? Damn you, Kahn!
This whole thing is your fault.
357
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:33,361
[Kahn yells]
358
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,036
HANK: I thought you said
you couldn't swim.
359
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,240
Yeah. I'm big, fat liar.
360
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,576
[Hank grumbles]
361
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:49,554
This river is filthy.
Look at this. Underwear floating around.
362
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,114
DALE: Hank, a little help here?
363
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,620
He won't last two days in the US.
364
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,296
HANK: America. Texas.
365
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,530
Home.
366
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:09,640
KAHN: Look how easy it is
to get into this country.
367
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,804
Oh, I can't believe
I had to learn the Bill of Rights.
368
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,312
When am I gonna use that?
369
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:18,112
You'd be surprised, Kahn.
I take the Fifth on a daily basis.
370
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:20,742
[Dale hollers]
371
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:26,781
[Grunts]
372
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,952
[Both grunting]
373
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:33,925
[Hank gasping]
374
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,396
[Tense instrumental music]
375
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,805
Hurry up, Hank.
The border guards are coming.
376
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,168
You gotta give me a hand. Dale?
377
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,044
Dale! Wait! I can't do it alone.
378
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,546
KAHN: Gribble gone. Take my hand.
379
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:58,314
[Both grunting]
380
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,054
[Sentimental instrumental music]
381
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:03,591
Welcome to land of opportunity, Hank.
382
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:04,652
[Siren wailing]
383
00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:07,390
[Birds chirping]
384
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:09,657
[Bill slurps]
385
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:11,793
Yup.
386
00:21:12,805 --> 00:21:14,136
[Boomhauer agrees]
387
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,263
Yup.
388
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:16,765
Yup.
389
00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:20,738
Hey, you know what's funny?
This time, I on Texas soil first.
390
00:21:21,647 --> 00:21:23,911
He's the immigrant. I smuggle him in.
391
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:25,576
Very funny, Kahn.
392
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:29,187
Hey! I live next door to alien.
My property worth nothing now.
393
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,279
[Laughs sarcastically]
394
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,085
You get in the baby way.
395
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:35,219
I had to memorize all presidents.
You couldn't do it.
396
00:21:35,528 --> 00:21:38,657
That stretch between Polk and Buchanan
wipe you out.
397
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:40,256
You ever hear of Garfield?
398
00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:42,391
He more than a cartoon cat, you know.
399
00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:44,726
He part of history of my country.
400
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,795
[Patriotic instrumental music]
401
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:56,712
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
402
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,252
[Suspenseful instrumental
music quickening]
403
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:10,885
[Music stops]
404
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:14,693
[Birds chirping in distance]
405
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:26,343
MONSIGNOR MARTINEZ: Vaya con Dios.
406
00:22:26,393 --> 00:22:30,943
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