Original subtitles

[Theme song playing]

[Eerie instrumental music]

HANK: Okay, Dale, hop on up.

I don't know. Looks like he died with his tongue sticking out.

Let me try again. I can look deader.

BOOMHAUER: No way, man. Dead is dead.

It's getting old sitting up here in this harness.

Dang old wedgie city up here, man.

HANK: Well, it's a small price to pay, Boomhauer.

I'm the general contractor of the school's haunted house...

and it's my responsibility to bring this job in on time...

under budget, and over scary.

You know, it's the damnedest thing. I got myself a wedgie, too.

PEGGY: Hank, dinner time. I am stirring in the cheese powder.

HANK: Okay.

Hey, Peg Leg! Can you come out here and give me a hand?

What is it, honey? I'm right in the middle--

[Men laughing]

HANK: Gotcha! PEGGY: Oh, you!

That just took a year off of my life, I think.

I'm gonna scare the pants off those kids, I tell you what!

I want Bobby to have the perfect Halloween...

the kind I had when I was a boy.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Doorbell ringing]

[Doorbell ringing]

BOYS: Trick-or-treat!

Oh, my! Aren't you boys the scariest!

BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man. Talk about...

[Sinister laughing]

BOOMHAUER: Dang old boo, man!

DALE: You got any candy cigarettes? MRS. HILL: No, but I have chocolate.

Happy Halloween!

Only one.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Splattering]

[Boomhauer laughing]

Come on, push it over. Knock it down, quick!

Okay. Dale's house is next.

[Sighing]

I think I'll go call my mom.

Want to come with us?

Mega Lo Mart is running a Halloween special.

If you buy two rubber masks...

they will punch out the nostril holes for free.

Sorry. I got to go to my youth fellowship meeting.

We're gonna deliver a hot meal to old people...

and then blow on it.

BOBBY: Maybe I can be a Dalmatian.

Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary.

How's a Dalmatian scary?

BOBBY: They can bite you.

And nine times out of ten, they go right for the groin.

Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts?

"Elmo," "Aladdin,"� "Jenny McCarthy"?

I don't even know what these things are.

LEADER: I'd like to introduce our guest speaker.

She's a new member of our church...

who has made herself known in a very short time...

through a series of gutsy letters, complaints, and threats.

Ms. Junie Harper.

[All clapping]

Thank you.

Why don't we just start things off with a little quiz?

I hope it's open Bible.

Who can tell me what this is?

LUANNE: It's a witch.

Very good. What's your name?

LUANNE: Luanne Platter. JUNIE: Luanne. You answered that so fast.

Do you know any witches yourself?

LUANNE: Witches aren't real. JUNIE: Yes, they are.

They even have their own holiday.

Who knows what October holiday is associated...

with witches, goblins, and Satanists?

LUANNE: Halloween? JUNIE: Smart.

This girl is very smart.

[Sighing]

Thank you for noticing.

PEGGY: Well, we still need a costume for Bobby. But at least we got our treats.

Eat Wells, sugar-free, low-fat Fun Bars.

Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters. It's for diabetics.

I'm not gonna gain 10 pounds like I did last year.

So, don't eat it. Just leave it there.

No one said you could touch my candy, anyway.

JUNIE: The ancient Druids celebrated Halloween...

by eating babies by the light of their jack-o'-lanterns.

And then they danced.

[Exclaiming]

Boy, I'm sure glad your grandma kept my old costume!

You know, I used to have a laugh that went along with this.

Try it with me, son.

[Sinister laughing]

[Bobby wheeze-laughing]

Scary?

It was disturbing.

LUANNE: Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy, I have terrible news!

Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Drewish!

No, honey, not "Drewish.� The Druids.

Where did you hear that garbage?

It's the truth. Trick-or-treating is devil worship.

Junie Harper says so.

Luanne, Halloween is just good clean fun. It's got nothing to do with the devil.

HANK: I don't want to hear any more of your foolishness.

[Crying]

Well, what is wrong with you?

She put some exciting new thing in her brain...

and all she wanted to do was show it to us.

[Making baby talk]

So, you told him about the Druids, and the candy corn...

and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun.

I felt so stupid.

Oh, no.

First of all, in the eyes of the Lord, you're a genius.

The devil fools you into thinking you're stupid...

because it makes it easier for him to trick you.

But if you think you're smart, you can resist him.

JUNIE: Do you see what I'm saying? LUANNE: I'm not sure.

JUNIE: Satan, be gone! Now you see? LUANNE: Yes.

These days, Satan's getting very popular.

That's why, this Halloween, I'm sponsoring a Hallelujah House.

LUANNE: What's that?

It's a righteous alternative to those wicked haunted houses.

Oh, no!

Uncle Hank is running a haunted house, down at Bobby's school.

The school? Tell me more.

[Eerie instrumental music]

Let's get the rise and run of this trough right.

I don't want my blood rushing to my severed head.

HANK: Hey, Principal Moss. MOSS: Hello, Hank.

This is a school. You have to take that cigarette outside.

DALE: Yes, sir.

DALE: Jackass says what? PRINCIPAL: What?

[Dale laughing]

[Moss grunting]

Hank, you know Mrs. Junie Harper. She has some concerns.

Apparently, some people consider Halloween a religious holiday.

HANK: So?

So our Constitution guarantees a separation of Church and state.

Mrs. Harper has a point, and an attorney.

JUNIE: What's the skeleton for?

Planning to read fortunes with the casting of bones?

No.

And what's that, a witch?

That has got to go.

I'm not taking out any of this stuff.

I want those kids to have a real scary Halloween.

You know, I'm starting to feel...

like the whole idea of a house of horrors is wrong.

Or we could make it a house of pancakes.

BILL: I'm just brainstorming here. HANK: Shut up, Bill.

Look, we either do this haunted house the right way...

or I'm not doing it at all. Now, what's it gonna be?

Hank, we can't afford another lawsuit.

We blew our budget fighting wheelchair ramps and left-handed scissors.

So that's how it is?

Boombhauer, grab Hagatha.

There's only room for one witch in here.

[Eerie instrumental music]

BILL: Well, I don't know. Kids sure do love pancakes.

[Loud thud]

[Cutlery rattling]

[Cutlery rattling]

Next year, Bobby's gonna be a teenager.

It's our last Halloween together, and Junie Harper ruined it.

PEGGY: There's nothing in the Constitution about separation of Church and garage.

Why don't you make a haunted garage?

Yeah, I guess I could do that.

No, Uncle Hank. You could go to hell.

See, Junie Harper says a haunted house is the devil's mousetrap...

and fun is the cheese.

Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.

Junie says I'm smart, so don't try to trick me into thinking I'm not.

Now, hold on. Luanne is not stupid.

And neither is Hank's idea for a haunted house.

So, you can have your haunted garage, and you can be smart.

LUANNE: But Junie Harper says-- HANK: "Junie Harper says..."

Last time I checked...

it wasn't Junie Harper's face in the stained-glass window...

at Arlen First Methodist.

[Exclaiming]

Bobby, next Halloween you're gonna be too old to dress up and get candy.

What?

Now, don't panic. Treats are only half of trick-or-treat.

It's time you learn to give as well as receive.

You're not gonna throw that, are you?

Bobby! Of course I am.

It's a sign of respect.

You know who could use a little respect right now? Dale.

JUNIE: [Calling sweetly] Joshua!

[Progressively meaner in tonel] Kitty! Joshua!

I'm suddenly reminded of a Bible quote:

"Do unto others..."

"Do unto others..."

BOBBY: I don't know, Dad.

This is vandalism, and vandalism isn't cool.

Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.

Now, come on.

[Grunting]

You got to have backspin, son. Like this.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

[Both gasping]

I am not afraid of you Satanists!

[Meowing]

HANK: Come on, boy!

JUNIE: I won't be afraid. I'll stand up to all of you.

[Tires squealing]

[Cat screeching]

[Both panting]

[Both grunting]

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

[Both panting]

[Bobby gasps]

BOBBY: It's the fuzz. HANK: Quick, ditch the evidence.

[Sitcom music playing on TV]

[Toilet paper thuds]

[Screams]

[Screams louder]

[Crickets chirping]

PEGGY: Well, there must be some mistake. My Bobby?

Son, did you pay Mrs. Harper a little visit tonight?

BOBBY: Yes. PEGGY: Bobby!

Now, don't jump all over the boy. The truth is, this is my fault.

JUNIE: Well, of course it is.

His antisocial behavior is a result...

of your whole family's anti-Christian values.

You hold it right there, Junie Harper. You are out of order.

I go to church, too, and I have raffled and bingoed and bake-sated my way...

as close to the good Lord as you.

So, do not try to one-up me, because I will one-up yours.

"The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.

"Get out of my house.� Exodus.

HANK: You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like your old man.

[Door opens]

And I'm very disappointed in you.

[Peggy agrees]

[Hank laughing]

[Chirping]

I'll never use toilet paper in anger again.

LUANNE: Are you all right? I didn't hear the TV on.

I grounded myself.

I don't deserve to watch TV after what I did last night.

LUANNE: It's not your fault. It's Uncle Hank's fault.

[Luanne sighing]

He's a Satanist, Bobby.

Come on, Luanne! That's the craziest thing I ever heard.

LUANNE: It's true. BOBBY: Oh, dang!

That's why Uncle Hank smirched my ideas about Halloween.

The devil doesn't want you to know the truth.

Did your father ever make you drink blood?

He made me eat liver once.

That is called a recovered memory.

Think, Bobby. What else can you remember?

[Grunts]

Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts?

You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like your old man.

It's just liver. It's not gonna kill you.

[Sinister laughing]

Oh, dang!

DALE: The vandalism upon my house...

can only be described as a hate crime.

Somebody hates me.

Let the record show that somebody hates Dale Dribble.

Last night, my house was also attacked by Satanists.

Mrs. Harper, what evidence do you have of that?

What evidence?

How is this for evidence?

[All groaning]

Little kitty!

Well, I think it is perfect.

Although I still think "Hank Heck" works just as well.

Yes! Halloween is canceled.

I just got off the phone with Mrs. Junie Harper.

She said that the city council passed a curfew...

because the Satanists made her run over her cat.

What about the trick-or-treaters?

There won't be any trick-or-treaters.

See, Uncle Hank?

You said I was wrong, but now everyone agrees with me.

Nobody agrees with you. You agree with everybody else.

You agree with any idiot who says anything.

Stop attacking her, Hank.

Luanne didn't cancel Halloween. Junie Harper did.

I don't care what she does.

Tomorrow night, I'm gonna teach Bobby...

the true meaning of Halloween, come hell or high water.

My dad sure wants me to be at that haunted house.

Last time he wanted me to be somewhere so bad...

I woke up without tonsils.

[Luanne exclaiming]

This time, he may be after your soul.

I'm scared, Luanne.

I can't help you, Bobby.

But I know who can.

[Religious instrumental music]

Mrs. Junie Harper.

[Gate creaking]

[Wind howling]

[Crickets chirping]

Thanks for helping me get away.

I heard Satanists like my dad always sacrifice virgins.

So we'd both better be careful.

[Hemming]

[Car door shuts]

Where is everybody?

I can't believe they're staying home because of a curfew.

And where the heck is Bobby?

He's still out with Luanne.

I sent them to the store for more Hi-C.

Now, I guess that was a fool's errand.

Isn't there one person in this town with the courage to celebrate Halloween?

DALE: [On megaphone] Hank, while you're out there, turn off my hose.

First of all, I'd like to say "halo" to everybody.

Now, follow me, children. No pushing.

"He who is last shall be first.�

JUNIE: What have we here?

It's a young, unmarried couple, who are about to let their hormones...

get the best of them.

[Organ music playing on speakers]

[Junie exclaims]

I guess the old saying is true: "Sex kills.�

Dinner's ready. Where's Grandpa?

[Grunting]

[Junie screaming]

That's your grandpa?

Haven't you heard? Our ancestors are monkeys.

[Gorilla growls]

WOMAN: [Monotonically] Oh, no! He's eating the baby. Stop him!

WOMAN: Honey? MAN: We can't.

It's against the law to teach creationism.

[Children gasping]

Have you seen Bobby?

[Hemming]

I think he said...

he was going to the gym.

Luanne.

All right, I took him to Junie Harper's. He's a lot better off there.

What are you talking about?

Well, I think that it's better for a child to receive wholesome impressions...

from established religious authorities...

than participate in rituals that are conducted by people...

who don't know they are pawns of the devil.

Little missy, you hold it right there. I have had it up to here with your baloney.

I have taken you into my home, I have sheltered and fed you.

If you step between my husband and his son...

I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage.

But I--

From now on, you leave the parenting to us.

We get a magazine about it.

PEGGY: I brought you an ice-cold beer. HANK: Thanks, Peggy.

Luanne took Bobby to Junie Harper's for an anti-Halloween church party.

[Choking]

[Gulping]

I came very close to spitting out beer.

I knew you'd be upset.

I knew you'd be upset.

They wrecked my haunted house, they outlawed my trick-or-treating...

and now they want to brainwash my boy?

It's time for somebody to do something.

[Police-radio chattering]

Hank, no! You could go to jail.

I knew the risks when I put on the uniform.

HANK: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

Hey, man! Check it out, man. I don't need no dang old costume, man.

I can be a dang old mime, 'cause I'm trying to get out of his box.

I say, playing tug of war, man.

BOTH: Trick or treat!

BILL: Here comes a ghost!

[Ripping]

[Grunting]

Toga!

ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

DALE: Boo.

I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence.

Who wants candy?

ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

LUANNE: Uncle Hank!

Trick or treat, smell my feet!

[Luanne crying]

[Crying] Give me something good to eat.

HANK: Come on, Luanne.

ALL: [Repeatedly] Trick or treat!

Okay, Susie, what's it gonna take to get you to join the Hallelujah Club tonight?

Look, you took the brownie. I didn't make you take the brownie.

JUNIE: Congratulations, Bobby.

Hey, everybody, listen up!

Bobby Hill has joined the Hallelujah Club.

ALL: Hallelujah, Bobby!

Can I have another brownie?

CROWD: [Chanting] Trick or treat!

[Muttering]

I'll handle this.

CROWD: Trick or treat!

HANK: Hey, Bobby. BOBBY: Go away, Satan.

Bobby, it's just a costume.

There is a curfew in effect, Mr. Hill.

But I guess you have no respect for man's law, either.

I've had enough of this nonsense.

Come on, son, let's go trick-or-treating.

He will not, because he is a good boy.

[Sighing]

All right, Bobby. I don't want to force you to choose.

I just wanted to spend Halloween with my son...

but I guess I can't do that this year.

It just tears my heart out.

[Screaming in anguish]

[Kids laughing]

JUNIE: What do you think you're doing? HANK: Just keeping an eye out for my son.

Oh, mercy! What have I done?

Do not encourage this monster. This is vile!

Come on, Bobby! Halloween is just no fun without you.

Bobby, if you leave now, you'll never get the key to the kingdom.

HANK: Come on, son. Let's get some candy.

JUNIE: You'll go to hell! HANK: You'll get candy.

JUNIE: Hell! HANK: Candy!

Stop! I don't care about candy.

[Scoffing victoriously]

I just wanna be with my dad.

[Sentimental instrumental music]

All right, then.

[All chattering]

Fine! Go on, all of you!

More room in heaven for me!

We got to get you home and scare you up a costume.

HANK: Okay. Hey, Dad?

I was just kidding before. I care about candy.

I care a lot.

LUANNE: Happy Halloween, everyone!

[All chattering]

[All laughing]

[All laughing]

[Theme song playing]

BOOMHAUER: Dang old boo, man!

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