All language subtitles for King of the Hill s01e02 Square Peg.eng

[Theme music]

HANK: Peggy?
PEGGY: I'm in my office.

HANK: Peggy?

Peggy, I've got a situation here.

Oh, Hank, is it your back again?

Why won't you wear that
weightlifting belt I got you for Christmas?

It's not a belt. It's a girdle.

Take off your shirt. I'll get the Icy Hot.

[Groans]

Icy! lcy!

[Sighing]

Hot.

All right. Okay.

-Hey.
-Peggy! Not in front of the B-O-Y.

I need both of you to sign
this permission slip.

All righty. What's it for, son?

Contact football?
No, you're not old enough for that.

Ringworm test?

What? Sexual Education?

-Where'd you get this?
- I told you. At school.

I thought we didn't have to worry
about this until 9th grade health class.

No. The principal wants to teach us
a unit from some course...

they made up in Washington, DC.

Washington? Bobby, go to your room.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Here's the first thing I'm gonna do,
I'll tell you what.

There. No need for Bobby
to get all bothered up learning about sex...

when he can't do a damn thing about it
anyway, at his age...

and with his features.

Besides, it is not up to
the United States government...

to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.

That's his parents' job.

I agree. If anybody should teach our boy
about that...

it should be his parents.

Something like that
should be taught in the home.

Something like that
should be taught in the home.

Where he lives.

Absolutely.

Yes siree.

Well, you're the expert.

Substitute Teacher of the Year 1996,
as I recall.

Oh, Hank, I'm also a decent woman.

I got my back out here, Peg.

[Peggy sighing angrily]

[Barney & Friends on TV]

[Knocking]

PEGGY: Bobby?

Bobby, honey.

What do you know about sexual relations?

I don't know. Nothing much.

I'm a little worried about being a slut.

[Murmurs]

Well, Bobby, your father and I decided
that as your parents...

that you and I should have a little talk
on the subject.

You have noticed, I am sure, that...

there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.

I'm sure you know that.

I mean, physically, boys are,
well, they're different.

They have something
that girls do not have.

Yeah.

You know, something...

You mean, a penis?

I didn't take Sex Ed in school.

HANK: Come on, Boomhauer,
if you're gonna prune, prune.

The army taught me everything,
and in four different languages, too.

Want to know how to get a bar girl
in the Philippines?

The point is, there is no way my son
is learning the how-tos of romance...

from some
bureaucrat regulatory handbook.

Tu-mai-ho, or something like that.

And, Dale,
I'd say the same applies to your Joseph.

I'd tear that permission slip up,
if I were you.

I'll do that and then some.

This Sex Ed stuff
goes higher than the schools.

It's that same old clubberone
zero-population bulldink...

that the UN's been trying for years.

[Muttering] Tell you what.
This branch is fixing to...

it's going, it's going to be...
Y'all, heads up!

They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.

That's when
the Chinese'll come marching in.

All I'm saying is, keep the government
out of the bedroom business.

Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job.

DALE: Damn straight.
BILL: You got that right.

Hank, I couldn't get the words out.

Oh, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?

Well, I--

Maybe you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.

[Muttering] You talk about them dang old
condom dispenser with them be.

Put in 50 cents.
And they try to hit that corner...

turn and bang on that thing,
and talking about her needs.

God, no, that's all right. I guess I'll do it.

My daddy told me the facts of life...

when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.

Yeehaw!

What you crying for, boy?

This is a good show.
This is a damn good show.

Yeah.

That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.

Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.

Oh, there we go.

Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.

Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.

GRACIE: Well, he sure
came to the right place.

We call this machine the Matchmaker 500.

[Generator humming]

Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life
when you're gonna start...

to have tender feelings for a girl.

You're gonna need to know
what those feelings mean...

and what to do about them.

[Mooing]

Oh, my God!

Where's the other half
of that dang permission slip?

I'm sure they'll do a good job at school.

The health teacher
is a trained professional.

Keep digging.

Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that Sex Ed stuff.

What do you mean?

All you gotta know is, I took care of it
with one little phone call.

[Chuckling]

Hey, Peg Leg.

That was Bobby's principal.

Some right-wing maniac called the health
teacher with a death threat and she quit.

Oh, well.

I'm sure it was just
some harmless nutcase.

Hey, on the bright side, since there's
no one to teach that Sex Ed course...

we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.

Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.

They found
the Substitute Teacher of the Year.

19957

1996.

PEGGY: Oh, my. Oh, Lord.

For goodness' sake.

This beauty school homework is hard,
Aunt Peggy.

LUANNE: Aunt Peggy?

Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne,
I was not paying attention.

Listen to this chapter title.
"The 14 Stages of Arousal.�

And then you turn the page, it...

Oh, my goodness! Is that C. Everett Koop?

That must be an old book,
because now there's 18 stages.

Oh, my.

How am I gonna say these words out loud
in front of a class?

Let me see.

"Self-exploration is a perfectly natural
exercise throughout pubescence.�

What's so hard about that?

Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like
to live without shame of any kind?

Is it a good feeling?

Yeah, it is.

I guess I am a little jealous.

Things were very different
when I was a girl.

Honey, you're at that special time of life.

The time when a little girl
becomes a woman.

And you start getting a monthly visitor.

Who? Uncle Joe?

My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.

"The Loveliness of Woman."

There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.

I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.
Of course, he's dead now.

Look. Here's a chapter on communicating
your needs to your love partner.

What kind of filth are you reading?

LUANNE: It's Aunt Peggy's Sex Ed book.

Say what?

Let me take a look at that.
What in the hell?

That is the inside of a womb.
A woman's womb.

My boy is not gonna look at
the inside of a womb.

He's only been out of yours for 11 years.

I think I need some water.

You want my Chandler or my Ross?

Can I shoot him full of BBs?

-Okay.
-Then Ross.

You sure you don't want him?

I'm not gonna need my toys anymore.

After I learn Sex Ed, I'll be too busy dating.

Who?

I don't know.
Whoever wants to have sex with me.

I don't know.
Whoever wants to have sex with me.

HANK: Well, what do you think?
A few more inches?

You might as well.
It's just gonna keep growing.

-Well, so much for my phone call.
-What are you talking about?

DALE: They found some other
depraved harlot to teach that Sex Ed class.

-Dale--
-Don't worry, Hank.

I know people who can take care of her,
if you know what I mean.

That woman is my wife.

I thought Peggy was your wife.

Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new Sex teacher.

Yeah? What?

-Nothing, I wasn't saying nothing.
-Nothing at all.

Nothing wrong with
a little sexual education.

No, sir, I bet Peggy'll be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.

Dale!

I'm just saying, a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.

Maybe you ought to hit the books, too.

HANK: What the hell is wrong with you all?

Nothing, Hank. Just think.

You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.

I've never been with a woman like that.

Except, of course, a bar girl.

Of course, I don't mean that...

Peggy's a bar girl or nothing like that.

She just knows, you know...

what a bar girl knows.

PEGGY: You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.

They want me to teach this Sex Ed stuff
to our kids' class, you know.

I don't know if I can overcome...

the crippling sense of shame
I got from my mother.

We knew you wouldn't.

Yeah, I've been telling people,
Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers...

that puts all of that intellectual hooey
above common decency.

Well, sometimes a little intellectual hooey
is a good thing.

Look. We all grew up
not knowing the real words for...

your "dinky" and your "woohoo,"
and we turned out fine.

I learned about sex from my mother.

She gave me that wonderful book,
The Loveliness of Woman.

-That book is worthless.
-Well, I got a lot out of it.

When my husband would crawl
all over me at night and do his business...

why, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.

Oh, Bonnie. You poor, poor woman.

Hey, Bobby,
your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed.

Yeah, I know.

We're gonna get to see her boobs.

So?

HANK: Bobby, you're up.

MAN: Come on, Bobby.

Your dad lost his job.

HANK: Run, Bobby! Run! Come on, run!

Don't stop at first base, son!
Go all the way, Bobby!

PEGGY: Go all the way, honey!
BOY: Yeah! Go all the way, you perv!

[Crowd jeering]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

MAN: You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live.

And if you teach that Sex Ed class,
so help me, I'll--

Dale, is that you?

DALE: Oh, Hank. Can I speak with Peggy?

Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.

Hello, Dale.

DALE: You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live.

PEGGY: Boy, you should've
heard Bonnie today.

That woman has got one awful love life.

Ch, my God.

Hank, honey...

would you like to rub some
Pretty Feet and Hands on my back?

Isn't that just for your feet and hands?

Well, mainly.
But you could use it everywhere.

HANK: I'll pass.

Well, how about if I put a little
on your elbows?

It'll moisturize and exfoliate.

My elbows are fine.
You never complained about 'em before.

It's just that it's so nice and cooling.
It makes your elbows smooth.

What? Where in the hell are my elbows
gonna be that they need to be smooth?

Honey, I just thought it would be nice,
for later, for us to be all smooth.

I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.

Look, Hank Hill,
I did not ask to teach this class.

But I am a substitute teacher.

That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers most...

at any hour of the day or night,
and teach anything!

From Gym to Home Ec!
I took an oath, darn it!

Excuse me.

And if I start to pick and choose,
the whole system just breaks down.

Yeah, well, you weren't too proud
to pick and choose...

when you had those Randy Travis tickets.

Oh, no. Those poor little kids
never did get to make their clay ashtrays.

Well, they're damn sure gonna know
the 18 stages of arousal...

because Peggy Hill
is gonna teach that class!

PEGGY: This is a diagram of a woman's...

[Peggy stuttering]

Come on, Aunt Peggy. You can do it.

A woman's...

[Sawing]

[Grunting]

This is a man's...

[Stuttering]

Well, what do you think?

Nice and clean.

But I think old Sigmund Freud
might have a thing or two to say about it.

What?

HANK: Oh, no!

Happiness. Ha-penis.

Ha-penis.

Ha-penis.

Penis.

I did it!

Ovaries.

Uvula.

Uterus.

PEGGY: Vaginal

Hey, Hank, I just said--

I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussin'!

It's not cussin'
to say the name of a God-given body part.

It is if it's a part of the body
that was meant to be...

concealed by an undergarment.

You're dealing with organs
that people don't want to know about.

Bobby ought to know about "em.

We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.

Sure, we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.

My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap.

It says here, he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.

Now just hold on.

Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?

If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.

And I do not approve. Permission denied.

Damn strapping tape!

Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.

[Buzzing]

PEGGY: Oh, my.

No, Mr. Hudson.

We don't recommend
using propane to fill party balloons.

We don't recommend
using propane to fill party balloons.

Yeah, it is a gas. But it's in a liquid state.

But you might want
to blow out those candles.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Bobby, hey, that's my work.
Now just sit still, okay?

What do you think Mom's telling
all those guys?

I don't know. I don't want to know.
Just try not to think about it.

Okay.

What do you think Mom's saying to 'em?

I said not to think about it.
Think about something else.

Okay.

Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?

[Hank stuttering]

Well, come on, Bobby,
can't you think of something pleasant?

What do you think Mom's telling
all those guys?

[Students chattering]

PEGGY: Good morning, class. Today
we're gonna discuss human relations.

Otherwise known as...

human relations.

I am your substitute teacher.

My name is Peggy Hill.

Okey-do key. Any questions so far?

-Dad?
-What?

I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about me...

because I'm never gonna have sex.

Oh, Bobby! Now don't say that!

I thought that's what you wanted.

Well, yes, if you were my daughter.
But you're my son.

Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?

It's called the double standard, Bobby.

Don't knock it. We got
the long end of the stick on that one.

I see. That's why Mom's bad
for talking about sex.

Bobby, look, just because your mom's
been using those words...

doesn't mean she's bad.
She's just trying to do her job.

Give the kids the proper names for things.

Imagine how hard that is for your mother,
trying to teach...

a roomful of snickering 5th-graders...

the difference between a boy and a girl's...

you know, hook-ups.

That woman's got a lot of guts,
I'll tell you what.

That's Mrs. Peggy Hill.

H-I-L-L.

You can call me Mrs. Hill,
you can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill.

[Whispering] Okay. Come on, Peggy Hill.
You can do this.

Okay, today's subject...

Just have a seat.

I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.

She was Substitute Teacher of the Year,
1996, I understand.

All right, class. Let's do it.

Today I'm gonna teach you Sex Ed.

It's difficult subject matter.

But if we approach it with common sense...

I believe we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.

But before we begin, please bring
your permission slips up to my desk.

Those whose parents did not
give you permission to learn with me...

you can read for an hour
in the school library.

-Sorry, Peggy.
-Sorry, Mrs. Peggy Hill.

BOBBY: Looks like
it's just you and me, Mom.

Okay, son.

Well, let's begin with the difference
between boys and girls.

You mean the penis?

Yes, the penis.

Hello? Bobby?

Luanne? Well, is anybody home?

Where is everybody?

I sent the kids off to see a double feature.

[Romantic country music playing]

May I have this dance?

Smooth elbows, Peg.

I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.

Oh, Hank. Watch your back.

Good as ever.

[Yelling in pain]

[Crash]

HANK: Are you okay?

PEGGY: Uh-huh.

HANK: Well, as long as we're down here...

[Giggling]

[Phone ringing]

PEGGY ON MACHINE:
Hello. You have reached the Hill residence.

Please leave a message at the tone.

[Beep]

DALE: You don't know who I am.

But I know where you live, Sex Ed teacher.

And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.

Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee-off time to 3:00. See ya.

[Theme music]

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