All language subtitles for Yvonne.Orji.A.Whole.Me.2022.1080p.WEB.h264-KOGi-en

"This is my new personality"

“Born in isolation and shaped by growth.”

“And it was forged by being hurt
And I was healed by contemplation.”

“And I became perfect in recovery.”

"The old me met the new me"

"And I became..."

"My complete personality, my complete personality..."

People of Los Angeles, what's up?

I hope you're here to watch a comedy show

Yes

You'll be supporting me with enthusiasm today, I love it!

This is my second special on HBO.
We are here my dear!

Looks like Covid is over
Is that what's happening?

- Is Covid over?
both

Either it's over or we're dealing with it
It's like season 24 of Grey's Anatomy.

You wonder, "Is this series still popular?"
"I think so, I don't know"

Your job must be important
“I don't care about mask mandates,” she said.

“But I will still wear my mask.”

That woman has health insurance that she cares about

While the rest of you risk everything
And you breathe the dangerous air

While she's like, "No, no, no."

“They said I can no longer work from home.”

We've learned and unlearned a lot during the pandemic, haven't we?

I learned... that I don't have hobbies

Because that was the special thing during the pandemic

Everyone was baking bread for no reason

The yeast industry was at its peak...

You were all drawing with colours

You are this old and buy 5 packages
From color books via (Amazon)

200 packs of coloring pencils
There are no colors in that number

What color is a dark brown seal?

Are we talking about the animal or the singer? which of these

But I hated the situation
Because I didn't have any hobbies

I couldn't figure out...I'm the daughter of immigrants

My only hobbies growing up
She was...washing the dishes

And cleaning my room and serving those older than me

My hobbies were housework
That's what I'm trying to tell you

My inner child was in conflict

I went to my psychiatrist
And I said, "I'm really struggling."

And she said, "Okay, let's dig deeper."

correct? “What do you do to have fun?”

So I said, "I'm working."

And she said, “No, no, no, let's get the truth out.”
What makes you feel joyful?

Not to be broke

I have enough money to afford your services
What

Aren't you paid as doctors?

I started a new form of treatment during the pandemic

Bilateral eye movement arousal, right?

Well, my nervous system...
These bastards are here chatting

They say what is that? Is it a new treatment?

Is it...no, bilateral eye movement arousal

Because speaking of nerves...we're all pretty smart
I can smell intelligence here, you're all geniuses

You are the key people
Who come to psychotherapy from day one

To provide a visual presentation using PowerPoint

Okay, doctor
Here are the triggers and traumas of my condition

I started when I was 6 years old
They think I blame my father

why I am here

I am at my best, what are your problems?
doctor? Let me help you solve it

But bilateral eye movement excitability
Overwhelm all that, it removes logic

It deals with the nervous system

In bilateral eye movement excitability
We help in liberating the nervous system

From the messages of the past that keep us in a state of shock

Keep clicking your fingers and tell me the picture
Which comes to mind when you think of the word fear

Standing in line at Chipotle
And not carrying enough money to add guacamole sauce

Well, it seems to be a fear of lack

- Where do you feel this in your body?
- My left leg is throbbing strongly

Okay, open your eyes and tell me
What you also noticed while standing in line

I'm starting to feel a little inadequate

Let's see if we can find out more
About that pain point

When I was 8 years old
I spent days making a Mother's Day gift

But my brothers made fun of me
So, I guess from that moment on

I decided that in order to be accepted
I have to improve my performance

Do you think it is valuable?
Can an 8 year old girl even handle it?

Nigerian girl, yes

Yes, you are very resilient people

You say it as if it is a positive trait
But it seems like a negative trait

You realize that you are very young
Have you adopted the habit of achieving love?

How was I supposed to be loved otherwise?
What I didn't do my best to get?

Well, let me ask you
When was the last time you knew you were truly enough?

Because the body does not lie
Trauma is trapped within the body

But when you say, "But I don't even care about that."
"I want to eat cake"

But you care a lot

You care so much that it shocks you
Lying in your throat

It's in your throat

You have no set range for your emotions, at all
But you say, "I don't even care."

It's right here, let it go

And ladies, we do it too
We say, "I'll never cry for him."

“He will never see these tears, no, I will not cry.”
Relieve what is bothering you

The reason is self-independence
Everything is reserved in the autonomy of the self

It was crazy, crazy

I'm staying with my roommate, Esther.

She discovered she had a hobby during the pandemic
And I have to reveal it now

Esther and I have been living together since 2013

It's been a long time, hard years, okay?
It's dilapidated, my dears, okay?

That was when we shared power
Protein-free

It was lettuce

She was an aspiring writer

And of course I was an aspiring entertainer

When we met, and how we became roommates
That was a coincidence, okay?

Because she said one day
“I have to find a hostel to stay in.”

I said, "Girl, you don't have to live like this."

Because she said "hostel."
And I heard it as "brothel," okay?

I said, “You don't have to sell your body for scripts
"You don't have to"

In 2019, I bought my house and moved
"Esther, you're coming with me because..."

"Property tax, it's real, it's going to get us."

And during the pandemic
Esther discovered that her hobby is cooking

And I said, "Let the Lord use you."

Damn, he tore my sock, wouldn't he?

Because before the pandemic, we were on the Los Angeles diet.
From kale, quinoa and kombucha tea

You all know her

When the pandemic came, she said:
"I'm thinking of making a crab tail, but"

“I want to add bacon seasoning
And make bread pudding with rum."

I said, “You've been working hard
I'll take care of this month's mortgage payment, okay?

"I'll take care of us"

After 3 months, this piece of shit stopped cooking
Because she discovered that she had another hobby

I started taking nature walks

But I refused
You sold me in the dream, okay?

We are black and retreat is forbidden

Come on, you owe me rent, stop it

But I had to find my hobby
Because I felt excluded

“My inner child is trapped,” I said
"I felt left out."

So I discovered tennis

I know I said it cliché
Because I didn't actually discover it, it already exists

But I discovered it in myself, and I was excited, okay?

I bought Serena's tennis shoes.

I didn't know what it would do for me
But I said, “Why not?”

I bought shoes and a racket
Did you know you had to tighten the strings of your rackets?

Yes, because you are not professionals

That's what happened, okay?
I tightened my paddle ropes and was ready

I underwent training sessions for 10 weeks
With a private trainer, you are prepared

In the third week I developed gynecomastia

- Do you know about gynecological disease?
Yes

It is the most intense pain imaginable

It was bad enough, for the first time in my life

I'm not going to lie to you, I thought about doing cocaine

I don't even know if it's therapeutic
But I was willing to try it

I said, "I don't know, how did we even get to this point?"

And the worst part is that the pain is known
When we try to get rid of it

Pain is smart, because I wake up in the morning
I am not strong enough to move

Can anyone help me? Open the door

But as soon as I parked the car in the hospital parking lot

Right at that moment...

Pain says, "What's going on here? What's going on here?"

"You see where she is? You see Cedars-Sinai Hospital?"
Is it Cedars-Sinai Hospital?

“No, no, no, calm down, calm down
Everyone relax, relax."

And suddenly it becomes... Wait, what...?

No, keep that energy up
Keep that energy up!

And of course, I feel very angry

Because they ask about the severity of the pain from 1 to 10
And I'm like, "It was a hard 10, man!"

“Maybe if you push me, the pain will reactivate
No, hello...”

He says, "You mean the pain is intermittent?"
And I say, "No, it only disappears when I come here."

stupid

I had to find another hobby
I started renovating houses

Yes, building a gym in my house

Not for me, oh my God, no, no, no!

That would have been my attraction

I had a plan

I had a large punching bag and a small one
I've never done this before...

But it was all there
Because men have been losing their minds during the pandemic

When gyms closed
They are getting fat and growing their unplucked beards

It was strange, very random

The men did not even realize that the pandemic had occurred
Until they stopped the NBA Championship

20 thousand people died
But, oh my God, no more basketball games

“(LeBron) and the rest of the players can't play
Do you believe this?"

"It's getting dangerous"

“I was watching the news on CNN.”
And the reason is the pandemic, yes, the pandemic.”

“We have to wear masks
"LeBron and the players can't play at all."

“All stadiums are closed.”
They wanted the players to play

I would park my car outside every Crunch gym

And every Equinox gym...

And every Planet Fitness club is a gym...and I wait

“Oh my God, it's closed!”

“Didn't they send you any email?
Or a text message or something? It's weird

"But what are you going to do?"

I mean, I know a gym

But let's talk about the 3-month membership

She laughed like a boring girl

But every lady has her laugh like a boring girl

When a guy tells her she's cute
She says, "Yes, you think I'm cute?"

“You're so playful, stop, how funny!”

But yes, we learned and unlearned a lot

I had to find a new relationship
An accomplishment, you know what I mean?

Because the Lord told me
He said, “What brought you to success will now make you successful.”

I said, “But what does that mean?
"Stop speaking to me in parables."

But I had to find a balance
At my core Nigerian, really

And I love being Nigerian
There are many wonderful things about...

Amazing things about being Nigerian
We have afrobeat music

You all saw that
Not only that, we have our own cuisine

Our high quality in filmmaking...

You can't win at everything

No, but I had to find a new relationship
Being Nigerian

Because we have this problem
We always have to be perfect

We have to be great all the time
That's all there is to it

They're all ranked last, but I'm probably ranked last
Second, you know what I mean?

Let's unprofessionalize, yes, I remember when
When I was 5 years old, I joined ballet

The rest were trying to get into the first position

My father was standing aside
He said, "Stand on your toes!"

“Look, stand on your toes
"Dance by twirling on your feet."

And I say, "What?"

“The person doing this, does he have 3 legs?
Stand on your toes!”

You're not giving me a chance to see
If I love ballet

Now I have to look like dancer Misty Copeland.
What

And I remember the first time I did an hour-long performance

It happened by mistake, okay?

I was in Atlanta and I called my manager Heidi.
And I said, "Hi, Heidi."

“I try to give a 15- or 20-minute performance
Try to reserve a place for me.

And she said, "Okay, Yvonne, let me see."
"What can I do, I will call you back immediately."

She called and said, “Great news
"I arranged your first star show."

I said, "Heidi, that's not what we discussed at all."
Not at all, okay?

Because I was afraid
I said, "What do you mean my first star show?"

“I just wanted to perform for a few minutes.”
She said something that changed my way of thinking

She said, "Yvonne, either way, we're going to learn something."

If you don't figure it out
Heidi is from the Caucasian community

-It leaves a mark
“It leaves a mark,” she said.

“Either way,” she said
"We'll know if you have the ability."

“Or how much further you have to go
So, let's just see, let's just see

White people like to say let's just see

It's your sacred mission, okay?
You all like to say let's just see

I am a child of an immigrant family
I wasn't raised to just say let's see

Rather, I grew up saying
You better be

All the money he spent on your education
You better be the first

You're like, let's just say, "Honey, it's a date
Rebecca, first love, should we have a curfew?

"I don't know, I trust our daughter."

"So, let's just see, okay?"

Mistakes also develop character

As for my house...
“You better be back by 8pm.”

“But dad, the appointment starts at 7.”
"You'd better eat quickly."

It's pretend

I had to learn to separate my work from my value

You all went to church, for your sake, my dears
Come on, don't worry, don't worry, this is me

I'm talking about myself

Wait, wait, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

It was wild
Because of even the cultural circumstances of things

Nigerians don't even call us by our names
But in our profession

Like saying, "My pharmacist daughter."

"It would be convenient for your engineer son, yes."

I keep working because I want to
To be the person they show off to

No one wants to be the person they are said to be
“No, not the unemployed person.”

“He is just a stupid goat, not him,” said the engineer.

But that keeps us tied down
It keeps us spinning

It is not bad to achieve achievements
But what else?

If I ask myself
“Who am I without performing?”

Enough, that's the answer, I'm enough

But its impact is good, its impact is good
But a lot of this stuff is difficult

If you saw my psychiatrist driving a Porsche...
It's my car, okay?

My sessions are half paid for, okay?
It was one of my payments

But no, I had to...
This culture of freedom, momentum and stress

- Get luxury
Yes

I swear this is the first Baptist church
Don't tell Los Angeles

But these songs don't help us

These songs are like
“I work hard all my life...”

Have you worked hard all your life?
when do you sleep

I'm not going to lie, I was convinced, I thought I was lazy

During the pandemic, there was nothing for me to do

Nothing to do
I said, "I should do something."

And I said to my therapist, "I feel lazy."

She said, "Is it true that you are lazy?"
Or is your body finally at rest?

“After working for decades?”

So I said, "Doctor, can you write that down?"
To send it to my mother?

“Because she would believe it of you
But she won't believe it from me."

Growing up, I remember that just asking
None of them were...

Like an episode of Shark Tank.

In this episode of "Tiger's Nest"
With us is Nika Oforo.

“She is a 25-year-old girl
"She's going to make a basic presentation to her parents."

“It's never worked before
But let's see how it goes this time."

- My mom, dad, and... Aunt Shula.
- My dear, don't worry about my presence

Your aunt came to visit your parents, that's all
Just be yourself and be yourself, okay?

You know, I was a very good daughter

I have 5 certificates and a large debt
To show it

So I'm here to ask you both
$6,000 as an investment for my first apartment

Do you want to move out?

What will Nigerian society say about me?

They will say that I allowed my daughter
By hanging out in the streets

I don't know, I don't know who says that
But that is the point of my request

Lest I end up on the streets

So, what's wrong with our house?

I thought you liked watching CNN.
And the program (Forensic Files) was with me for hours

That was very interesting content, Dad

But I think it's time for me
To spread my wings

What else will you simplify?
The last time someone wanted freedom like this

She was Lady Veronica's daughter, Rebecca.

She also left home
She returned with 4 twins without a father

Because she wanted to spread her wings too

- "Hello?"
- “Suspicious Shula”

- "Yes"
- “Suspicious Shula”

“No one invited her, but she interferes in everything.”

- "And cause a fuss"
always

“She wishes you to be lowered in rank, but she does not like to rise.”

"Suspicious Shula... Fishy Shula"

Nika, tell us the truth

- Are you moving abroad because you are pregnant?
both

- A prostitute?
both

- A pregnant prostitute?
What? Mom, Dad, what are you doing?

Listen, I don't know why you guys think it's such a big deal

- It's the same with you
- I was literally

Good Nigerian girl, I don't do drugs...

Wait, then, do you want us to be satisfied?
Because you don't do drugs? correct

If you want, try all kinds of drugs right now, right there
Marijuana, cocaine, heroin, try them all

If you want, take an overdose and die

- Listen, don't move your head
Good

My daughter, you know it's dangerous for a single woman
To live alone

- Where exactly will you stay?
- I'm glad you asked, okay?

So... I found a spacious two-bedroom apartment

In a great neighborhood, even has a dishwasher

Come on, the dishes don't get washed
Where did I go wrong in raising her? What is this

To reduce costs and provide additional safety

I also found a roommate

What? Roommates?
Is he also begging to make money?

he"? What is his academic grade? Where are his parents from?

-Does he believe in God?
-I'm sure I'll know all this

- In addition to her astrological sign...
Astrological sign

This means that she is prone to sorcery
Everyone, save yourselves, I'm withdrawing

You were never involved!
You were never involved, so...

mom dad
-I will offer you $4000

But you have to give us a key and access
To the surveillance cameras of that residential unit

This is definitely an invasion of privacy
- No, it is not an invasion of privacy

It's like that time when I had to remove
The door to your room when that boy came home

-And he kissed my daughter. What was his name?
- (Jeremy) or (Jeremiah)

- Jeremy, Jeremy, that's him
- One of these two names

Well, that was your offer...Mom?

I can offer you $5,000

- Where is your money?
- I said $5000

But you have to come home every weekend
And cook with me

And if anyone asks you
You are staying at home with me

-So, do you want me to lie?
-Are you calling me a liar?

- Are you calling me...
- (Jeremiah), (Jeremiah)

wait wait
- What's wrong with this girl?

These children, they have no respect for adults at all

After this, they take the matter to their psychiatrists
And they tell them that everything is because of you, like their families

- I thought you quit
- See? All these children

No respect at all
They show no respect, at all

My glasses are there

mom dad

Well, you can move out
You have received our blessing

Okay, good, thank you both

- But you won't get our money
What? what the hell

You know, in this case
Maybe he actually became a prostitute

Because that... I don't know what's going on

- I told you!
- A prostitute?

-Listen! See? I knew that
- “Suspicious Shula”

My mother is worried because all my sessions are about her

“So, would you tell your psychiatrist?
That it was my fault?

“Is that what you're doing?
It was my fault, right?

Yes, it was your fault, wasn't it?

Who can I blame but you?

She says, "I was doing my best."
It's in her throat, in her throat

I hate it when I meet people and they say...

“I'm fine in terms of psychotherapy
"I don't even need it, I'm fine."

You're a black person in America, man

Concept? You definitely need therapy

In fact, psychotherapy should be free
It is compulsory on every Juneteenth to free slaves

It should be in the form of free coupons

163 square meters and a psychotherapy session

I need a black psychiatrist
Only black psychiatrist, like you said

I say the word nigger a lot
I don't want to stop doing that

Do you know what I mean?
This is the nature of the situation

That nigger over there is trashy

No, no, there is no historical event for that
I said what I said and that's it, thanks

I had to fire 3 psychiatrists during the pandemic

Because like dating, it's not one-size-fits-all
We have to find the right person for us

The first doctor I had to get rid of
Because he was too empathetic

He was saying, "Yvonne..."

How are you

And I say, “I was fine, I mean
Shouldn't I be okay?"

He says, “It's simple... I know
"I simply... know."

I said, “I don't know what you know
But I feel like I should leave, okay?"

The second psychiatrist
She told me to be a little more messy

And I said, "I don't think that's a really good idea."

The third psychiatrist
It had to be removed because...

He was laughing too hard at my jokes

And I wasn't even trying to be funny
I mean, I don't even know if I...

Unconsciously, I use a sense of humor
As a means of that regression

But he was doing this
He was moving his shoulders like this...

I said, "Is this the Harlem Shake?"

"That's very funny"
"No, it's not, I'm in pain."

What do you do

And have the impudence to say
“Our time has run out” is not true!

That stopped for a laugh
You owe me 6 minutes, doctor

I'm asking for my time back

It makes it harder for the next woman
Who was with him, because...

Upon joining I said
“Sister, can you not laugh at me?”

She said, “Oh my God!
Is this a trigger from your childhood?”

I said, "No, it's a trigger from last week!"

This nigga kept laughing at me

But from time to time
I could see her holding herself together

She was doing this...

That's really interesting
It's very interesting, yes

And we noticed people we didn't miss
During a pandemic, right?

Brother, are you okay?
What's your name?

- Devon, yes
- (Devon)? What happened to you

We noticed people we didn't miss
Listen to this, we had nothing but time

Just time

However... I mean, we had a long time to go
So much so that we finished watching TV shows

Netflix wasn't even asking
“Are you still watching?”

They said, "There's nothing left!"

“Please, go and paint.”

However, with all the time we have
Absolutely

Whenever that particular number calls

We look at the phone and say
"I don't have time for this"

We had all the time in the world
But... not for them

We have to store numbers on our phones
By saying... "Not today, not ever."

I have a strange habit of storing people's names
On my phone how I recognized them

Yes Yes
You, too

I was like, it was weird
For example, if I just met you, Devon...

I would have stored your name like this
Devon, comedy show, discussion topic.

This is how I know exactly who he is

I had a friend who saved it in my phone
As "Richelle, Red Lips, Liberia."

She grabbed my phone to send herself a picture
She said, "Are you still storing my name like that?"

And I said, "Yes."
She said, "We've been friends for 12 years."

I said, "But weren't you in Liberia?"

“Your red lips were striking
what do you want from me

I have a guy saved in my phone named...

"This nigger"

By repeating the letter (i) repeatedly
"This nigger"

And ladies
It would be very easy to erase it

It will be easy to erase it from the phone
Or block the number...but why?

We don't, we store it for the story

Hoping that "this nigger" will call?

What

We want to be able
Of being... "Girl!"

“Guess who called me today?”

"This nigger"

We don't even care
Maybe it's a mistake connection, but we don't care

"I think he's still thinking about me."

I lost some friends during the pandemic

In fact, I lost some friends

Because I have to remind myself that I am human too

But I was trying to do things differently

I was trying to do it differently
What was imposed on me while I was growing up

Growing up...we are Nigerians
We are not good at resolving conflicts well

We have never had a dispute that we actually wanted to settle

No, what we prefer to do is banish

Nigerians love distancing

correct? Are there any Nigerians here?
Yes, you already know

You want to say, "I'll never talk to that woman again
never ever

“Never, no, I tell the truth
"I will never talk to her."

“If you see me talking to her, that means I'm dead.”
Wait, what?

“It will be like I never knew her.”

You are twins
So, I knew her at some point

My mother had an argument with my aunt once
I did not see her children for 4 years

It was like... yeah, y'all, get out, go
Go, you can't play here, go, go

Then they solved the issue...
“Okay, you can come back.” What?

Do you know how weird that reunion was?

Hi girl
So, what was all of high school like?

I'm at university and I ask stupid questions like...
"So, have you started your period?"

And when Nigerians are upset to the point of extreme anger
They do one of three things, right?

First, they give us false hope
They say, "It's not your fault"

"No, no, no, it's not your fault."

I assure you, if they tell you it's not your fault
It is most definitely your fault!

They give us false hope
Then they assume false responsibility

“I don't blame you... I blame myself.”

You already know... "No, I blame myself."

Then they hear us fake insults
"That's because I'm a stupid goat."

“So she thinks she can talk to me any way she wants
Yes, no, I blame myself, am I a cow?”

“Yes, I'm a cow, I'm a cow
That's why"

I assure you, if a woman had that discussion on her own
She's about to burn down the entire village, okay?

it will be

So, I tried to do something different
About my friend's quarrel

And I'll quote what we said, okay?

I went up to her and said, "Hey girl."

“You did something that really upset me
"I hope we can discuss it."

She said, “I feel like it's your problem
"It's not my problem"

Have you ever planned a discussion in your mind?
Did you expect how it would go?

I thought what would happen was...
“Girl, you did something that made me sad.”

“Oh my God, I'm so sorry.”
“You and I should never be separated, little sister.”

This is how I pictured it in my imagination

So, of course, I had to impose a distance between us
And the magic of that fallen woman

“We don't talk about it anymore.”

Everyone who has children...
“Wow, that's my song!”

Whenever I thought about our friendship I would say
“This is stupid, I miss my girlfriend.”

So I went back to it a few months later
And I said, "Girl, can we..."

"Can we talk please? I'm carrying the white flag."
"And I literally just want to talk to you."

She said...

“I will find it very difficult to talk to you
"Before hearing an apology first."

It's not her fault, it's not her fault!

I blame myself, because I'm a stupid goat

I was the one who went there for the second time

But here's the truth of the matter
When people know we love the Lord

I think they're guessing it's our version
Which has always been there

No, this is Yvonne from the New Testament, okay?

Listen...

There is an "old era" burning...

Hey, let me in, Coach
what shall we do? There is

Because if you want to manipulate my mind with gas
I have propane

Let's burn the whole place... and everyone will die

Have you ever been so angry as to write songs?
Like, "Niggers caused my death."

In those moments, I assure you
I understood people much better

I said, “Last time, I got it, I got it
"The house was supposed to burn down."

Do you know what I mean?
What else were you supposed to do? We agreed

But to be honest with you
If I take time to reflect on myself

And thinking about that friendship and my role
The role I played in it

I know I was myself, I did it

Because when we know...
When we don't know that we are ourselves

We overlook things that should not be overlooked

We waste a lot more energy than we should

We let people imagine a version of us

It will be more comfortable for them, but at our expense

This is a study from the Bible, that's how I saw it
I thought I was the only one in that

“Can we pass the donation box, please?”

But it hurts feelings
It hurts, but I've learned

I have to accompany people
They make my nervous system feel safe

Do you know what that is? Maturity

But I can't tell my mother

I don't need to hear her encouragement
"If you were me..."

But that's not the case, that's not the case, let's backtrack

What is happening? Is this your date night?

-We are friends
-You two are friends?

How long have you been in love with him? Simply, simply...

I mean, tell him the truth and shame the devil
You know you love him

- How did you two meet?
-Yoga

Yoga?

My regards... Hey, stop!

Well, I'm not messing with you

But what I'm tired of hearing is all the things they say
Women shouldn't do it until they have partners

I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it

When I bought my house I knew women
I know they can buy their own homes

And they'd say, "But, Yvonne...
Aren't you worried about..."

“I don't know, that you might be intimidated by a man
He wants to date you?"

"Not the guy who wants to date me."

Good

In my opinion, a man would walk into my house and say
"That's cute"

“I realize what you're doing with Carrara marble
Or whatever kind it is.”

"Well, you have views, that's cute."

“So, when you take a small role
I will elevate you...” “Oh my God!”

today

to stop

If you think I'm going to skip equality
To protect a man's ego...

"That nigger caused my death."

A friend visited me at my house
I have a platonic love with him

He said, “Yvonne, I'm not going to lie
If you try to date a woman who has everything you have...

In square metres

He said, "I'll wonder what you'll need from me."

“Nigger, you pay half the mortgage!”

What

“Dealing with the gardener, what are you talking about?”

"Do you think I want to live with Esther forever?"

And I blame us ladies, blame us
We let them fool us with these songs

They made us think it was cute
To be strong black women

They said it was a badge of honor for us
Strong black...no! “Independent”... shut up!

Shut up!

You'd better stop singing that

I'm tired of it, we're forcing ourselves
We believe in active style

No, I don't want to be a strong black woman
I do not want it

I'm a vulnerable black woman, please

See? These songs are a setup

"All independent women..."

If you don't...put your hands down

In all other races, girls are allowed
To be afflicted with distress

But what can we do?
We can wait for the exhale... What?

Do we have to wait to do this? both

We need to mix the songs

“All women share independence…”

Because I need to hand over some independence
About my taxes for next year

No, there is no badge of honor
Being a strong black woman

We don't get a medal
Do you know what we get? Uterine fibroids

I'm tired of this, I'm sick of it
I didn't want to be strong anymore

When did they deceive you like this?
I am not like other women, I do not have all these qualities

I'm like a soft girl in the summer, okay?

But I cannot stand the attack of double standards
I can not do that

Because two men will have the same discussion

While it is completely different between two women

Between the two men, "Listen, how was your date?"

“It was good and had a nice atmosphere
But I don't really feel it."

"Okay, do you want to go have fun?"
“Yes, let's go,” the discussion ended

But between two women?

"Oh my God! How was your date?"
Tell me everything"

“It was good, (Bob) was nice
But I don't really feel it."

"Okay, but what don't you feel?"

"I mean, I wasn't attracted to him."

"Well, what exactly didn't attract you?"

"His face, woman."

"I mean, the whole thing."

Then you start talking stupidly
“But in my opinion, attraction grows with time.”

millimeter

"Mm? There must be a seed."

Why do we treat dating like a chia plant statue?

"Shea...nigger..." What do we do?

No, then they shock us with this stupidity
I mean, that's just my opinion

I'm simply saying, don't you think you might be
A bit too selective?

Shouldn't you?
About the person you want to reproduce with?

My dear, I have seen your children
You should have been more selective

"Interrogation Room No. 1"

Listen, Miss Nwachukwu.
- But (Wachuku)

I apologize
- The letter (in) is not pronounced

Yes, it doesn't matter, you face the next charge
It is always being selective

-And you have unreasonable standards
Good

Prejudice against short men

My standards are not unreasonable
I also live with everything I describe myself as

Thank you very much

- Your wish list contains 25 qualities
-You should have seen the first draft

This is not a stupid Hollywood movie.
You foolish girl

You face imprisonment for the rest of your life as a young woman
15 years minimum

- I can bear it
- Sit down!

Sit down, he's crazy but he's right

No one hugs you at night

And massage your back with shea butter

I bet your back is pale now, isn't it?

It's probably itching, too

Nonie, you remind me of my stubborn daughter

my wife
What

I'm ready to let you seek a man
Below your standards, of course

It's not like your silly idea of a soul mate
But he's better than a roommate

I am not interested, I am looking for the right man
Not a man who is okay with it

Also, my eggs are frozen, so I have time

- Time for what? A time without a man
How many times

We have given you time, and you think it is easy to get

- Then they sell you time
- What's up, Nonie?

Detectives, can you stay away from my client?

-You have 3 hours to make a decision
-Otherwise, I'll take your frozen eggs out

-And I'll make an omelet out of it
Good

-I saw him do it
Good

she's crazy
- Let's... Thank you

Since when did you believe in true love?
Something that warrants a prison sentence?

Listen, Noni!
I do not mean that the accusations were issued in an official memorandum

But let's try to keep our minds open
We explore our options

-Can we do that?
Yes

Okay, bring the lower charges

- Let's just take a look
- No. 1... No

Yes, no, should it be longer?
Sir, I said goodbye to you

- But you didn't even get to hear him
-Is he 167 cm tall? 167 cm?

-I can't do anything with him
- Yes, that's true, true

- He can't carry me
- What about number 2?

It is mentioned here that he is considerate, affectionate, and God-fearing

- Well, I like that
Yes

- But what about the prison uniform?
- He seems to be an actual prisoner

But on the positive side
At least, you'll know where he is

Goodbye, goodbye, go away

- Okay, number 3, let's see
- It is said that he is patient

He provided an appropriate adjective, I understand you

Yes, what else do we have?
He drives a Range and owns a pharmacy?

Okay, Captain of Industry, what's the trick?

- Please tell me there is no trick
- Nothing I can see yet

I like that, number 3
Can you turn aside for me?

- Show me that
- Let me see your figure

-He has a mini skirt
- Wait, but who is Ozo?

- Probably his mother, you know the kind who loves his mother
I know, I know

No, definitely his other wife's name

The other? How many bitches does this polygamist have?

Are you still unable to make a decision?

What do you think if I hurt you in real life?
Inside the prison

Noni, come with me

I'm guessing you're denying the petition, right?

What is your relationship to this?

Listen, I'm not trying to interfere in your affairs
I'm just offering you another perspective

That's Evie, and she's acting crazy
To any man who shows interest in her

Look at her now
She makes wine out of a toilet in a cell

Listen, you have to support black-owned businesses

That's Chandra, she's our legend

She was accused of unreasonable standards
12 years have passed and she still professes her innocence

She would rather spend life in solitary confinement
To give up

I like her personality

- What's your story?
I

I learned to give short people a chance

Listen, a lot of men
167cm and under are great

my regards
Good

Hello my dear

Well Well

Well, they're ready for you

I know what they're doing and I won't be fooled

- They will not pressure me to give up
-Are you sure about this?

- Who do you think snitched on me?
I don't know

Noona, Noona, accept the plea agreement

It's your mother's only wish on her deathbed
Unless you want to kill her

"Suspicious Shula"

Aunt Shula, I should have known

What about these two men?
They have a job and they are very powerful

This guy is strong, yeah
Young man, what is your zodiac sign? Is it Sagittarius?

I was traveling alone and people were saying...
"Are you traveling alone?"

"Are you traveling alone? What are you doing?"

I do what I want to do, whatever it is

That's how it goes

But I do random movement
Whenever you travel on a plane

I like watching TV
To the person sitting next to me

Without using a headset

And I act like this...
"That's great, that's good."

I get angry when they go to the bathroom
And I say, "That was my favorite scene."

I secretly wish they would offer translation

But they find out about me
Only when we laugh at the same time

I'm doing this... "Fuck!"

“May I have a pillow?”

In my last private performance
I talked about how automatic payment is something to brag about

Remember that? Yes, bragging rights

There are levels to this, guys

The new source of bragging rights is writing a will
You must have a will

If you have any furniture
Not displayed in IKEA

You have important possessions, okay?
You have to find out who will inherit it

There are many people who die without writing a will
Without a will

Amir is dead, Amir! Without a will!
All that money, where is it going?

Because if that's the case...
You may not have a will

But after you die, you have made the decision
The government will take everything

(DMX) died...no will

It hurt me, I'm not going to lie
DMX's death during the pandemic hurt me

Because I realized we would never have

On a collaboration album between (DMX)
And Kirk Franklin

You all know that would have been noisy
In dance clubs

"Jonkers' tunes are pouring in..." Oh, come on!

“What do they really want from me, Jesus?”

What

"Someone let me know"

There were Judas and Bartholomew.
He doesn't talk about 3 kings.

Come on, you all know

I know she would make a noise in a dance club
Don't look at me like that

But the sad thing about it
Writing a will as a single woman

That's when they bring me the documents

And I see all the lines and then I realize...

“I have no one to bequeath my property to.”

Do you know who inherits all my property?
After my premature death?

My roommate Esther, that's her

So she would cook for me

This bitch was trying to get...
On the big room... Diabetes

what were you doing? She's not smart

I planned to write the will with my parents

That was interesting

Because ask any parent
They do not like to talk about inevitable topics

Death and sexual intercourse...both are inevitable realities

I said, "Listen, Dad, we need to talk about your will."

"My will? Do you want to kill me?"
“No, but you're going to die, so please have a seat.”

I wrote a will with them, I said
“Okay, Dad, what are our possessions?”

"Okay, okay, okay, okay, property, okay."

I said, “You have another 'Okay.'”
Until I realize we're not okay, what do you do?"

My dad does a thing where he leads cryptic discussions

You can find out who he is talking about
Looking at the direction of his hand

He says, "My wish is for all my children to move out."

There's only one of us at home
Just one of us

"And you both get a good job."
"Okay," I said, "it's your turn."

And it's always crazy
Because no matter how many siblings you have

And no matter how much you all grow up
There is always one person, maybe two

He has an alternate reality of how he was raised

I have a brother I'm pretty sure
That he grew up like Tupac.

“Because growing up without a father was difficult.”

"I'm sorry, what? What do you mean?"

"Because my father wasn't around."
"It's right in front of you."

“We have the same father, what do you mean?”

"I don't know, sister. Maybe it would have been easier for you."
"It wasn't, you went to college for free."

“You can't say that, we grew up in a dead end
What do you do

“There are no drive-by shootings
In the circle like this...”

“You shot yourself
It's a ricochet bullet, what do you do?"

What do you do

And when they're all together, you realize...
I mean, they're sitting there laughing

They pass the meat broth to each other
And they eat chicken wings, enjoying their life

Then you realize the truth

They can have peace of mind
Because they know

You know that if anything happens...
I will be to blame

So they are very happy

They can eat with peace of mind
Because they know I'm to blame

I hope no one dies

I can't plan a funeral before a wedding, please!

The same brother who thinks he is a bandit
He comes to me and says

“Listen sis, that's really wild
"It's really wild."

“Are you really going to bequeath everything to Esther?
Like you don't have any siblings?"

“You don't believe we have a father!”

“I can't trust you with my calculations
go away

But I'm ready, I'm ready for a partnership, really

Well, Yvonne, we've covered a lot of topics

-We sure did
- Correct emotions

And calm your inner child
And uncover the external factors of your trauma

That was difficult

- Are there other aspects you would like to discuss?
-Black men

So, would you like to discuss relationships?

Yes
- Well, let's dig deeper then

Taking into consideration the type of partner you want
Would you date yourself?

Do we ask our own questions first? Good

Would I date myself?

I have 5 plans for the next five years
One of them includes

- To become the youngest Nigerian to attend Harvard Medical School.
“Yvonne is always busy.”

One day, one of them will be my character
In Nollywood like Doogie Howser MD

This is impressive
No time for dating in that plan

The only thing I will keep open
He...these books

- “Yvonne is too busy and won’t get any sex.”
- Oh my God, I'm late, I have to go to class

Good luck, you will learn
She's about to...

"Being Deceived" by Jesus
Available where books and audiobooks are sold

- “Find a partner fast, speed dating”
-I think it can be said that I am still single

Because the traditional path did not suit me

- I was not under pressure to become a doctor
- “Yvonne from (106 and Park)”

Therefore, I will definitely not be under pressure to get married

Just to have a party?

- No, have you met me before?
Understood

So, what does love look like to you?

I want to love So So Dave Records
Like singers Bow Wow and Ciara.

Understood
- Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson, what?

I want everlasting love like Belle and Camille.

Who will tell her?

- Tell me what?
- Nothing, simply...

I have to go
- Your little hairs are sticking out

What's News

- Is it my turn? Good
- “Yvonne is in a difficult period of life.”

5 years from now
I better be famous

Because I should have been famous
5 years ago

I can't think of a relationship now

Because the only thing I can
Serving it at the table is...a plastic bowl

- Food is still free here, right?
- Yes, here is a tip: invest in Bitcoin.

(Bitcoin)? I don't even own real coins
This is triviality

the curse! Those were really tough years

Mom, you made it

Wait, are we married?

-And pregnant?
-And we have everything

-Husband, two children and a dog
- “(iPhone) 3000”

- Hey, dog? I hate dogs
- Not anymore

What? Who is this man
Is he good at fucking?

Absolutely

Look at us, we've done really well

See? I would date this version of myself

The other versions were terrible, girl

No girl, the other versions of you
She is the one who paved the way for me

When we stopped thinking that we were strong
They are our superpowers

We found strength in our weakness

That's what attracted Dee to us...
(Dee) is our husband

By talking about it
I have to go get his 50th birthday cake

Traffic crisis on Mars
It's about to reach its climax now

This child increased the severity of the women's race

- Hey, what?
Yes

That back pain never left us

No, I didn't mean that
5 years from now we will be on Mars?

Yes, planet Earth is dirty. Where have you been?

You never lie

Okay, but wait, before you go
Is the letter D in the name Dexter or DeMarcus?

- Closer
- Okay, Derulo? (Donson)?

of course no
- (Donette)? (Demelola)?

Give me an idea, girl
I can't sit here and mention names with the letter D.

Who am I looking for?
I'm sorry... who am I looking for?

What I don't like about dating
It's the insignificant best friend syndrome

I don't like it, I don't like it
There must be a good man here

You seem like a good man
What's your name again?

- (Brian)
- (Brian)? It is the name of a good man

Can't get better than Brian.
Whether it's a Y or an I, Brian.

Both options are good

But, Brian
I know you are reserved in a relationship

But do you have friends you can introduce me to?
What would you say about that, Brian?

no
no

Whenever we ask any man, what does he say?

I wouldn't do that to you, little girl
I wouldn't do that to you

No, no, no, I care about you very much
I care, no, no

You don't fit in with any of my friends
That nigger is worthless

Why are they your friends then? Why are they your friends?

I care a lot about it...
But don't you care about yourself?

They always have a stupid reason for being friends

“In eighth grade, I got into a fight
He came forward and helped me and we have been friends ever since."

What, nigger?

Did he do you a favor once?
And he is your best friend now? This is stupidity

Because if a guy goes to a girl and asks her

"Do you have any girlfriends?"
We'll say, "Pick one, there are many."

How do you like it? Black mother from Puerto Rico
Or from Haiti? Skinny? Choose what you like

“I wouldn't do that to you, shorty
"I wouldn't do that"

May you be better off, Brian.

I get my parents into pranks

I sent them a picture of me as Molly.
From the series' fifth season, that is

But I sent it to the family chat group
Without any comment

I told my father and mother that congratulations are due

I didn't see a call via WhatsApp.
You come back from Nigeria so quickly

“Yvonne, what is the meaning of this nonsense?
What do you mean

“No, no, tell me now
Shut up, I'll slap you, what do you mean?"

Do you want me to talk?

“Who in the family did you tell you were getting married?”
I said, "No, this picture is from the series."

My father said, "Did you marry someone from the show?"
from? (Jay Ellis)?

No no

It was a bad joke

My sister-in-law called me and said
"Girl, you shocked your mother and father."

I said, "I know, they were angry."

She said, "Yes, yes, yes, thinking you married a woman."

"Hey, what?"

She said, “Yes, your mother called me and said
"We always suspected that."

Have you always suspected that? How long

That relationship with Esther was something I don't understand

Did you take the matter to Esther?

I knew I had shocked them because my mother called me
Soon after she said

"Well, Yvonne, I was discussing your father and he..."

“We decided it didn't have to be a man
Nigerian even

I said, "Wow, you're talking weird now."

My entire childhood in one photo... vanished
Good

Then she said, “Indeed
He doesn't even have to be black."

I said, “Hey, you're talking rashly now
What is happening

But there are a lot of black women
Women who date different men

There are many of them? (Eve)

Yes, Eve was a fan
Ruff Ryder Recording Company

And now it's very smooth

Well, she was like a ferocious dog
Wearing a skirt

And now I'm like a cute poodle
In a Birkin bag

Her name isn't even Eve anymore.
Bell (Evelyn)

But I don't like the leap, I don't like the paradigm shift

That people jump from black... to white

Because there's a spectrum of colors, guys, there's a spectrum

African Latin Americans, well...

And there are Samoans

Some of you will say... I thought they were cakes
From Girl Scouts, no

Rather, they are people, races of people

Or Asians, there are options, there is a spectrum

I know that

I think my friends are ready for me to get married

Because I'm receiving strange gifts right now

I receive really strange gifts
This is a gift I received, thank you

This... This is a gift I received for my birthday

This... see it?

This is a pink quartz wand

It is a crystal block

It's not what you think, it's just a piece of crystal

The entire audience was wondering...
"Wow! What kind of friends do you have?"

Is this familiar to you white people?
Is this familiar to you?

They'll say, "Yes, very familiar."
Let's see what she will do with it."

Let's just see

It is a pink wand of quartz stone
My friend gave it to me

She said I should charge it on the full moon

Then place it on your aura to see what energy it does

What kind of instructions are these?

What part of my body forms the aura?
I know the attachment, but I don't know the areola? What is it

How do I know it has been shipped? We agreed

Does it work when the moon is crescent?
Where is the data bus entry? Not found, what happens?

I have many questions
For example, why is it pink?

She is black but married to a white man
Maybe you don't know anything other than this

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

Where are the amber strings?
Are there no amber strings?

I have dozens of questions, guys

But it's so comfortable, oh my God, actually

It's... Oh my God!

It's really cool, want to hold it?

I hold it, I haven't used it, I don't know how to use it

It's okay, take it, it's heavy, right?

Do you pass it on to others? What is this? Give it back to me!

It's like previewing and narrating
He takes it and passes it on to others

But I'm ready

Jesus has to hurry
Because he has until Labor Day

I'll be with someone, okay?

I made a vow when I was 17 years old

I said, “Oh my God, I'll wait, I'll wait.”
"I will be like a soldier on station."

We say a lot of things when we are 17 years old
Do you know what I mean?

We say things like... Taco Bell.
Do we mean that?

My parents are a little different
When I turned 17 I said, “Oh my God, yes!”

After 20 years I say
"Hey there, what's up?"

"Because... Amen."

That is my prayer, it is... Amen

They are the only words I have
For you, Jesus

But I went to church and a lot of sermons
And I guess... yeah, of course, we can just wave

But I want more information

Let's make it more general and comprehensive

Because I don't want to reach my wedding night
And then go into shock

I'd be in for a big shock like say
"Are they doing that now?"

Because...I want to know

I want to say
“Hi, how are you, Y/N?”

"The party was amazing, right? Oh my God!"

“Everyone attended, yes.”

But I understand that there are levels to doing this

“That would be desirable, yes
Is this something you want? Good

"Really? Okay, okay."

“Does that make you happy?”

"Yes, okay"

Okay guys
Looks like I've found my new hobby

People of Los Angeles, you were great
May God bless you!

You were an amazing audience

There are people who are special to me
Among the public today

my mother and my father

my mother and my father

Chiva, Lola and Mrs. Celine Orji

And Mr. Michael Chugalo Orji
They are among the public today

I love you so much, you were an amazing audience
May God bless you

I have to say I am very proud of you

truly
Yes

You've done enough
Even when your competence is challenged

-We should have lunch sometime
- No, I can't do that, it's against the rules

So, I guess it's the end too

Withdrawal and modification
TheFmC