Original subtitles

HEY, JAKE. HEY, MOM.

HEY, MAN WHO COULD HAVE DROPPED JAKE OFF IN THE DRIVEWAY...

INSTEAD OF COMING INTO MY HOUSE.

YES, I COULD HAVE,

BUT THEN I WOULD HAVE MISSED THIS.

GO ON, JAKE. FIRST OF ALL, MOM, I LOVE YOU.

JAKE, DID YOU CALL YOUR TEACHER "BIG MAMA" AGAIN?

- MOM, YOU'RE SO FUNNY. - YEAH.

SPEAKING OF FUNNY, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEAUTY PAGEANTS?

WELL, JAKE, I THINK BEAUTY PAGEANTS ARE FINE FOR SOME PEOPLE,

BUT YOU REALLY OUGHT TO STICK WITH SOCCER.

MOM, STOP! MY SIDES.

WE'RE HAVING A FUND-RAISER AT SCHOOL. IT'S A PAGEANT FOR GRANDMAS.

OH! A GRANDMA PAGEANT.

REALLY.

LITTLE OLD LADIES GOING UP ON STAGE STRUTTIN' THEIR STUFF?

MM-HMM. THAT IS HILARIOUS.

YEAH. YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT THE FUNNY PART.

I SIGNED YOU UP.

HA, HEY!

♪ MY ROOTS ARE PLANTED IN THE PAST ♪

♪ THOUGH MY LIFE IS CHANGING FAST ♪

♪ WHO I AM IS WHO I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ A SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TOO HARD ♪

♪ WHO LOVES HER KIDS AND NEVER STOPS ♪

♪ WITH GENTLE HANDS ♪

♪ AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I'M A SURVIVOR ♪♪

MRS. H, I THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT THING...

FOR YOU TO WEAR AT YOUR PAGEANT.

- BEST OF ALL, IT'S PATRIOTIC. - WHAT EXACTLY COULD THAT BE?

RED HAIR, WHITE FACE, BLUE HAT... YOU ARE A FLAG.

YEAH!

REBA?

YOU'VE TOLD ME A THOUSAND TIMES, AND I'VE NEVER LISTENED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

I'M JUST APOLOGIZING IN ADVANCE.

GUESS WHAT I AM.

THE NEW FRUIT IN THE FRUIT OF THE LOOM?

BROCK TOLD ME ABOUT THE PAGEANT. ISN'T IT EXCITING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I KNOW THAT JAKE FELT OBLIGATED TO ASK YOU,

BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHOW HIM...

WHAT OTHER OPTIONS WERE AVAILABLE.

AFTER ALL, I AM A STEP-GRANDMA.

WITH THE BRAINS OF A "STEP-LADDER."

WOW, BARBRA JEAN.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. OH, THIS?

THIS WAS EASY.

YOU KNOW, JUST AN OLD PAGEANT GOWN,

SOME HAIR SPRAY AND MAKEUP...

AND THREE STRATEGICALLY PLACED RUBBER BANDS.

TWO. TWO RUBBER BANDS.

FIVE.

YEAH, WE STARTED WITH FIVE RUBBER BANDS.

OKAY. NOW, JAKE,

IF YOU ALLOW ME TO REPRESENT YOU IN THE PAGEANT,

I HAVE SEVERAL SONG OPTIONS FOR THE TALENT PORTION.

NOW, FIRST... AND A'ONE, AND A-TWO!

♪ I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY ♪

♪ YANKEE DOODLE DO OR DIE ♪♪

NOW SOMETHING MORE SEDATE...

LIKE THIS.

♪ AVE MARIA ♪

♪ GRATIA DE MARIA ♪

BREAK IT DOWN, MARY!

YEAH!

I NEED A BEER.

YEAH, RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

HEY. OH, NO.

DID I MISS MARY BREAKING IT DOWN? I COULD DO IT AGAIN.

NO. OKAY.

SO ANYWAY, SOMEBODY ASK ME A QUESTION. OKAY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I MEANT A PAGEANT QUESTION.

WHAT EXACTLY IS MISSING FROM YOUR LIFE...

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU ENTER A PAGEANT?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, BOB.

I WANNA BE A ROLE MODEL...

NOT JUST TO GRANDMAS, BUT TO ALL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

HEY, NOW.

TO SHOW COMPASSION FOR THE HUMAN RACE...

BY VISITING CHILDREN'S WARDS,

VOLUNTEERING AT RETIREMENT HOMES...

AND READING TO THE EYELESS.

- YOU MEAN TO THE BLIND? - NO.

I MEAN THE EYELESS WHO CAN SEE.

OKAY, GEE WHIZ.

WOW, BARBRA JEAN. YOUR SPEECH WAS REALLY GOOD.

AND YOU SURE DO KNOW HOW TO TAP.

YEAH, BUT TAP-DANCING TO THAT SONG WAS JUST A LITTLE DISRESPECTFUL.

NOW, IF YOU WORE A NUN'S COSTUME, THAT...

NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? I HEAR THAT'S A TOUGH HABIT TO BREAK.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, JAKE, SHE WOULD BE GREAT.

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU KIND OF ALREADY DID ASK YOUR MOM,

AND, WELL, IF BARBRA JEAN'S IN IT,

SHE'S GONNA MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE.

ACTUALLY, BROCK, AS I RECALL, YOU PICKED ME FIRST TOO.

SO, MOM, YOU DON'T CARE IF BARBRA JEAN TAKES YOUR PLACE?

NO, SHE DOESN'T CARE. YOU DON'T CARE, DO YOU, REBA?

OH, NOT AT ALL. NO, NO. BARBRA JEAN IS REALLY GOOD AT THESE SORT OF THINGS.

TRULY, SHE'S A NATURAL.

SO, JAKE, YOU PICK WHICHEVER ONE YOU WANT,

AND IT WON'T HURT MY FEELINGS AT ALL.

WELL... PICK ME, PICK ME!

I GUESS I PICK BARBRA JEAN.

YES! HA, HA, HA!

I MEAN, THANK YOU, AND I HOPE I CAN LIVE UP...

TO THE CONFIDENCE AND EXPECTATIONS YOU HAVE IN ME.

OKAY.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M OUT OF THE PAGEANT,

SO I'M GONNA GO HAVE ME SOME PIE.

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T LET BARBRA JEAN ENTER THAT PAGEANT.

WHY NOT? OLD PEOPLE NEED TO LAUGH TOO.

JAKE WANTED YOU TO BE IN THE CONTEST.

THAT'S WHY HE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT WAS HIS IDEA FOR THE FUND-RAISER.

HE TOLD ALL HIS BUDDIES THAT YOU WERE GONNA WIN...

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST, COOLEST GRANDMA. HE DID?

YEAH, AND HE'S A HARD-ENOUGH KID TO LIKE WITHOUT THEM SEEING THAT.

OH, MAN! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO HIM.

OF COURSE I'LL DO IT.

HEY, REBA, DO YOU HAVE ANY JUGGLING PINS?

YES, BARBRA JEAN. THEY'RE IN THE BACKYARD UNDER THE BIG TOP.

YOU WON'T NEED 'EM, BARBRA JEAN. I'VE DECIDED TO ENTER THE PAGEANT.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO JAKE THAT I DO IT.

WELL, WHAT I THINK IS IMPORTANT TO JAKE...

IS THAT SOMEBODY WIN,

AND LET'S FACE IT, I HAVE A BETTER CHANCE.

REALLY? AND WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, BECAUSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE WON FOUR BEAUTY CONTESTS ALREADY...

MISS VALUE MART, MISS KNOX COUNTY P&E,

MISS TASTEE FREEZ,

AND A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST DOWN IN GALVESTON.

WHY IS IT THE STUFF THAT NORMAL PEOPLE TRY TO FORGET...

YOU BRAG ABOUT?

REBA, TRY NOT TO THINK OF IT AS YOU NOT BEING IN THE CONTEST.

THINK OF IT AS ME SAVING YOU FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

DO YOU HAVE A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR IN YOUR HOUSE?

REBA, YOU HAVE A GREAT MANY TALENTS.

YOU MAKE A NICE OMELET.

BUT IN THIS, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

BARBRA JEAN, I'M ENTERING THIS PAGEANT...

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT JAKE,

BUT I'M GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT.

THAT WILL BE THE ICING ON THE CAKE.

OH, WELL, BRING IT ON, PEACHES.

BRING IT... ON!

HEY. I THOUGHT I'D WEAR MY COUSIN'S DRESS IN THE PAGEANT.

SHE GOT MARRIED THREE TIMES IN THIS THING.

IT'S LUCKY.

MOM, YOU'RE GONNA BE IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT.

YOU HAVE TO WEAR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, FLASHY. SOMETHING THAT CATCHES THE EYE.

OR TURN YOUR HEAD INTO A FLAG. I'M TELLING YOU.

I'M SURE IF WE LOOK WAY IN THE BACK OF YOUR CLOSET, WE CAN FIND SOMETHING SEXY.

CHEYENNE, I'VE HAD THREE CHILDREN.

THE ONLY THING SEXY IN MY CLOSET IS AN OLD NURSING BRA.

- HEY! NOT IN FRONT OF ME. - WE'LL GO SHOPPING TOMORROW.

BUT HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR YOUR TALENT ROUTINE?

YES! I'M GONNA DO A COMEDY ROUTINE.

OH, MERCIFUL GOD, NO.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF LATE-NIGHT COMICS, AND IT LOOKS EASY.

ALL I NEED IS A LITTLE PRACTICE, AND I CAN BE AS FUNNY AS THEY ARE.

SO SIT BACK, SHUT UP AND LAUGH.

MIGHT WANT TO WORK ON YOUR INTRO. YEAH.

SO IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE WITH YOU TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'M DIVORCED, SO I'M BACK IN THE DATIN' WORLD AGAIN.

DATIN'... WOW!

HOW MANY OF YOU HERE ARE... ARE SINGLE TONIGHT?

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SO, NEW YORK... WOW.

HOW MANY OF YOU ARE HERE FROM NEW YORK?

MAN, CATS AND DOGS SURE ARE DIFFERENT, HUH?

YOU SUCK!

I'M SORRY, MRS. H, BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO AT THE CLUBS.

MOM, NO OFFENSE, BUT I REALLY... I DON'T THINK STAND-UP'S YOUR THING.

WELL, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.

COMEDY'S ALL I KNOW.

WE HAVE OUR WORK CUT OUT FOR US.

COME ON IN, MOM.

CHEYENNE, I FEEL OVERDRESSED... FOR VEGAS.

MOM, YOU LOOK FABULOUS. THANK YOU.

AND CONSIDERING WHAT YOU DID LOOK LIKE, I'M BRILLIANT.

OKAY, I HAVE TO GO. I FOUND A SET OF TEETH.

- HELLO, REBA. - BARBRA JEAN.

OH. OH.

MEW. MEW.

I LIKE YOUR SPEECH.

MAKES YOU SOUND SMART.

I'M PRACTICIN' MY ELOCUTION.

ONE MORE WEAPON IN MY ARSENAL WITH WHICH TO DEFEAT YOU.

YOU. YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I'M STARING INTO A FISH TANK.

HEY. I GOT YOUR STUFF, HONEY.

THE, UH... AND, UH... YEAH.

HEY, REBA. HEY.

LISTEN, YOU TWO, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER SOMETHING.

THIS PAGEANT IS FOR THE SCHOOL.

IT'S NOT A COMPETITION BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

SO NO MATTER WHO WINS OR LOSES,

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME.

HA. THE OLD VASELINE TRICK, EH?

YOU NEWBIES JUST KILL ME.

HOPE YOU KNOW IF YOU PUT TOO MUCH OF THAT ON,

YOUR LIPS GET ALL SLIPPERY AND YOU START TO SLUR YOUR WORDS.

THANKS, BUT I CAN HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN.

♪♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.

THE PAGEANT'S GONNA START SOON.

SHOULDN'T YOU GO CHANGE?

SHOULDN'T YOU APPLY SOME MORE RUBBER BANDS?

SHOULDN'T YOU GO... SHOULDN'T YOU GO...

THAT WAS THE GOOD ONE.

OKAY, I'M LOOKING FOR GRANDMA HART.

- OH, THAT'D BE ME. - THAT'S ME.

I'M SORRY, BUT WE CAN ONLY HAVE ONE GRANDMA FOR EACH FAMILY.

SO WHICH OF YOU IS GOING TO REPRESENT THE HARTS?

- THAT'D BE ME. - ME.

OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU TWO WORK IT OUT, AND I'LL CHECK BACK WITH YOU.

OKAY.

IF THERE'S ONLY GONNA BE ONE OF US, THAT ONE IS GONNA BE ME.

OH, WELL, I DON'T THINK SO. THAT CROWN IS MINE.

I'M ELIZABETH'S REAL GRANDMA. YOU'RE JUST A CRAZY WOMAN WHO MARRIED GRANDPA.

BUT I HAVE TO BE IN THIS ONE.

WHY?

HOW MANY TO YOU HAVE TO WIN UNTIL IT'S ENOUGH?

- ONE. - WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME.

I JUST WANNA WIN ONE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE OTHER PAGEANTS?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MISS FROZEN MEATS OR SOMETHING.

IT WAS MISS TASTEE FREEZ, AND I CAME IN LAST.

I ALWAYS COME IN LAST.

EVEN AT THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS A GAY BAR?

WELL, IF NONE OF 'EM EVER WORKED OUT,

WHY THE HECK DID YOU WANT TO ENTER ANOTHER PAGEANT? WELL, I FIGURED...

I COULD FINALLY WHUP A BUNCH OF OLD GRANDMAS.

I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT ONE OF THOSE OLD GRANDMAS WAS GONNA BE YOU.

- WHO'S GONNA VOTE FOR ME IF YOU'RE IN THE CONTEST? - BARBRA JEAN...

YOU KNOW,

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A BEAUTY QUEEN.

THEY WERE...

THEY WERE LIKE... BEAUTIFUL QUEENS.

BUT IN REAL LIFE,

THEY WERE JUST SMALL-TOWN GIRLS THAT WORKED AT THE PIGGLY WIGGLY.

JUST LIKE ME.

SO, DO WE HAVE A GRANDMA HART YET?

YES. IT'S HER.

GOOD. LADIES, WE'LL BE FILING ON STAGE IN JUST A MINUTE.

REBA, WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO YOU.

YOU'LL BE GREAT, BARBRA JEAN. THANKS.

OH. EXCUSE ME.

JUST BETWEEN US GRANDMAS, I AM HOTTER LOOKING THAN SHE IS, RIGHT?

GOOD LUCK.

OH, MAN. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET OUT OF THOSE HIGH HEELS.

OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PRESENTING THE REIGNING QUEEN...

OF THE PARKER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PAGEANT OF GRANDMAS,

MRS. BARBRA JEAN HART.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY SHE'S GONNA ENTER EVERY ROOM FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU, BARBRA JEAN.

OH, HONEY, CAN YOU GET ME A SODA?

WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO LONG?

WE HAD TO STOP AND BUY A TIARA.

HEY, THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD ONE. YEAH.

HERE'S YOUR PIE, VAN. OH, THANKS.

HEY, CAN YOU GET ME A SODA? WHAT AM I, YOUR WIFE?

HEY, JAKE, YOU OKAY WITH IT THAT I DIDN'T GET TO ENTER THE CONTEST?

YEAH. IT WAS WAY BETTER THAT BARBRA JEAN ENTERED. SHE WAS AWESOME.

OH! MY FRIENDS THOUGHT IT WAS SO COOL...

WHEN YOUR BATON LIT THE CURTAIN ON FIRE.

THOSE OLD LADIES SURE CAN RUN, CAN'T THEY?

ACME!