Original subtitles

COME ON. GIVE ME A FLUSH.

GIVE ME A FLUSH. GIVE ME A FLUSH.

GIVE ME A FLUSH! GIVE ME A FLUSH!

♪♪

A STRAIGHT. HEY, A STRAIGHT.

HEY, VAN, ELIZABETH AND I HAVE A PLAYDATE WITH

HER FRIEND MINDY, AND WE REALLY WANT YOU TO COME.

WHAT? WHAT? CHEYENNE, CAN YOU NOT STAND THERE? YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN BAD LUCK.

I SAID, "ELIZABETH AND I HAVE A PLAYDATE WITH HER

FRIEND MINDY, AND WE REALLY WANT YOU TO COME."

SORRY, I GOT A PLAYDATE WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, VAN? WE HAVE A PROBLEM. YOU HAVE BEEN REALLY DISTANT LATELY.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

FINE, PLAY YOUR SILLY LITTLE GAME. JUST HELP ME OUT TO THE CAR.

- I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME. - I SAID, "HELP ME OUT TO THE CAR!"

MRS. H, WILL YOU SIT IN FOR ME?

- WELL, I HAVEN'T PLAYED POKER IN A LONG TIME. - THAT'S OKAY.

MY SCREEN NAME IS "SCREEN NAME."

KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF.

OKAY, OKAY!

I'LL CALL. ♪♪

NO, WAIT! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING! I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK. HOW DO I TAKE IT BACK?

WAIT, WHOA. THREE SEVENS. LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT!

♪♪ I WIN!

WHAT A RUSH!

OKAY, THANKS, MRS. H. I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

- OKAY. MRS. H. - KEEP TAPPING ME, YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT ARM.

WHY ARE ALL THE WOMEN IN THIS FAMILY SO MEAN?

HA, HEY!

♪ MY ROOTS ARE PLANTED IN THE PAST ♪

♪ THOUGH MY LIFE IS CHANGING FAST ♪

♪ WHO I AM IS WHO I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ A SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TOO HARD ♪

♪ WHO LOVES HER KIDS AND NEVER STOPS ♪

♪ WITH GENTLE HANDS ♪

♪ AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I'M A SURVIVOR ♪♪

MOM, I WANNA PLAY ON THE COMPUTER.

JAKE, WE HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD TELEVISION OVER THERE. USE IT.

HEY, REBA. I HEARD YOU CAUGHT THE GAMBLING BUG.

AH, IT'S JUST A GAME.

GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD.

OH, ISN'T THAT CUTE?

LITTLE CHAT BOXES NEXT TO THE OTHER PLAYERS.

DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY TO GET A SCREEN NAME? MM-HMM.

BECAUSE I WANNA BE "WOOKIE LOVER."

"WOOKIE LOVER"? MM-HMM.

THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS SCREEN NAME I'VE EVER HEARD.

WELL, WHAT'S YOURS? "RAMBLIN' RED ROSE."

MY SCREEN NAME IS "LADY KILLER."

OKAY, ELIZABETH, YOU AND MINDY CAN GET A JUICE BOX.

WHO'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

JAKE! LITTLE BROTHERS.

I'M GONNA TELL MOM ABOUT THAT MAGAZINE UNDER YOUR MATTRESS.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. WHO'S THIS?

OH, UM, MICHAEL, THIS IS MY MOM, REBA, AND MY STEP-MOM, BARBRA JEAN.

HELLO.

NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU HAVE A LOVELY DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER.

AND YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE LEFT ELIZABETH'S BLANKIE AT YOUR HOUSE.

I'LL COME BY LATER AND GRAB IT.

MAKE SURE YOU DO. I'M HAVING A GARAGE SALE ON SATURDAY.

OH.

OKAY. UM, GOTTA GO. OKAY.

MINDY, LET'S GO, BABY.

OKAY, SERIOUSLY, WHO IS THAT? THAT'S MINDY'S DAD.

WHERE'S MINDY'S MOM?

OH, THEY'RE DIVORCED. WE TALKED ABOUT IT FOR, LIKE, HOURS. HE EVEN CRIED A LITTLE.

YEAH. HE SAID HE WASN'T SURE IF HE'D EVER FIND LOVE AGAIN.

I CRIED A LITTLE TOO.

WELL, WHERE WERE THE KIDS WHILE YOU TWO WERE DOIN' ALL THIS CRYING?

THEY WERE PLAYING IN THE TREE HOUSE. YOU GUYS, HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BACKYARD.

HE MADE US BRUNCH. WE PICNICKED ON THE LAWN. HE'S SO FUNNY.

HE TOLD ME THIS STORY ABOUT THIS TIME... OKAY, WELL, YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

CHEYENNE, YOU HAD A DATE WITH THIS MAN.

IT WAS NOT A DATE.

WE JUST... WE HAD SHRIMP SCAMPI AND A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY ON THE SWING IN THE GAZEBO.

CHEYENNE, HONEY, MY HONEYMOON WASN'T THAT GOOD.

OH, NO. AND I HAVE TO GO BACK THERE TO GET ELIZABETH'S BLANKIE.

WELL, FIX YOUR LIPSTICK BEFORE YOU GO. AND THROW ON A LITTLE PERFUME.

- WHAT? - WELL, I'M NOT SAYIN' SHE SHOULD DATE THE MAN,

BUT THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH A WOMAN GETTING A LITTLE ATTENTION FROM OTHERS.

KEEPS THE MARRIAGE FRESH.

KINDA THE WAY YOU FRESHENED MY MARRIAGE WITH BROCK?

CHEYENNE, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO MICHAEL AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

TELL HIM YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN, AND YOU DON'T

FEEL COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE WITH A SINGLE MAN.

- HE'LL UNDERSTAND. - YEAH. THAT'S PROBABLY BEST.

- REMEMBER, BE FIRM. - OH, I'VE BEEN DOING SQUATS.

♪♪ YES, THREE EIGHTS! WINNER!

MR. H, THAT'S, LIKE, FOUR HANDS IN A ROW.

HOW'D YOU GET SO GOOD AT PLAYING POKER?

WHEN BARBRA JEAN AND I WERE SEPARATED, I HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK.

AND THAT BOTHERED ME, SO I STARTED PLAYING POKER ONLINE.

NOTHING HUGE. JUST, YOU KNOW, FUN STUFF TO PASS THE TIME, KEEP ME OUT OF MY HEAD.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I DON'T LIKE IT IN MY HEAD EITHER.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DON'T. YOU'RE A GUY. WE'RE SIMPLE.

WE ARE THINKING ONE OF THREE THINGS:

I WANT A SANDWICH; I WANT A WOMAN; I WANT A WOMAN WHO CAN MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

WHY DON'T WOMEN KNOW WE'RE SIMPLE?

I MEAN, CHEYENNE ALWAYS WANTS ME TO LISTEN.

THAT'S FINE. IF I GOT A MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING.

BUT IT'S JUST... I DON'T KNOW.

WE'VE BEEN KINDA STRAINED LATELY.

AND I'M JUST FEELIN'...

WELL, I... I DON'T REALLY LIKE TALKING ABOUT

THE WAY I FEEL, 'CAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL, UH...

WELL, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!

YEAH, EXACTLY. THAT'S HOW MEN ARE.

YOU KNOW, WE DON'T LIKE A LOT OF THE YICK-YACK AND THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OH, DON'T FORGET THE...

THE ONLY WAY FOR A MAN TO BE HAPPY IS TO GET REALLY GOOD AT PRETENDING TO LISTEN.

YEAH, BUT CHEYENNE ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN I'M PRETENDING.

WELL, THEN YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE WHAT I CALL "HALF-LISTENING."

THAT'S WHEN YOU LISTEN FOR A KEY WORD THAT YOU CAN REPEAT BACK...

AS PROOF THAT YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT THIS RELATIONSHIP STUFF.

YOU CAN TELL YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED TWICE.

AND WHEN A WOMAN STARTS TALKING,

YOU JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND SAY, "MM-HMM."

SOMETIMES I'LL THROW IN, "COOL."

COOL.

YEAH, BUT LISTEN, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE REALLY SKILLED HALF-LISTENER.

BECAUSE, INEVITABLY, SHE'S GONNA SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"MY CAT GOT RUN OVER BY A CAR TODAY." AND YOU'LL SAY, "COOL."

WHAT HAPPENS THEN? YOU BUY HER FLOWERS.

MR. H, THIS IS AWESOME. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA BUY CHEYENNE SOME FLOWERS.

DAISIES. THOSE ARE HER FAVORITE.

HEY, LISTEN. HAVE THEM WRITE SOMETHING REALLY CHICK-LIKE ON THE CARD, OKAY?

LAY IT ON AS THICK AS YOU CAN.

THE MORE RIDICULOUS IT SOUNDS TO YOU, THE MORE SHE'S GONNA LIKE IT.

MR. H, YOU'RE SAVIN' ME HERE.

YOU ARE AN AWESOME FATHER-IN-LAW.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TEACH THIS STUFF TO.

OKAY. ♪♪

WHOA. DANG. THIS RED ROSE IS REALLY GOOD.

"HEY, RED ROSE, TAKE IT EASY.

YOU'RE SCOOPIN' UP MY MONEY LIKE AN EX-WIFE."

I JUST LOVE A MAN WHO GIVES ME HIS MONEY. YEAH. YEAH.

OH, CHECK IT OUT. HE'S A HOOT.

AND HIS SCREEN NAME IS "GOLDEN GOD."

LOOK. LOOK AT THAT. "IF YOU LOOK HALF AS GOOD AS YOU PLAY POKER,

YOU SHOULD BE A MODEL."

HE'S PROBABLY MARRIED TO SOME PATHETIC SAD SACK.

OH, LOOK AT THAT. HEY.

OH. DID YOU TELL HIM?

YEAH. HE GOT REALLY QUIET.

GUYS DON'T REALLY TAKE IT THAT WELL WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA SEE ME ANYMORE.

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY TO HIM?

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS, SO I TOLD HIM THAT I REALLY LIKED HIM,

BUT I WASN'T SURE ELIZABETH WAS ENJOYING HER PLAYDATES.

THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU LIKE HIM, BUT YOU DON'T WANT THE KIDS AROUND.

OH, NO, NO, NO, MOM. I WAS VERY CLEAR ABOUT THE WAY I SAID IT.

MY BODY LANGUAGE WAS, "IT'S OVER." I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, I HAD MY ARMS FOLDED.

CHEYENNE, THAT'S NOT CLEAR.

- FOLDING YOUR ARMS COULD MEAN, "I'M COLD. HOLD ME." - MOM.

IT COULD ALSO MEAN, "WHAT UP, DAWG?"

HELLO. GOT A DELIVERY FOR CHEYENNE MONTGOMERY.

THAT'S ME. THANKS.

WHO WOULD SEND ME FLOWERS?

OH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SOMEBODY WHO HAS A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU, LIKE MICHAEL.

OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE HIM.

YOU FOLDED YOUR ARMS.

MAYBE IT'S NOT HIM. IT COULD BE VAN.

"YOU ARE THE AIR I BREATHE AND THE BEATS OF MY HEART.

I LIVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR WORDS."

SOUNDS LIKE VAN.

OH, THAT'S NOT VAN. THIS IS MICHAEL. OH, THAT IS JUST SO FORWARD.

MAKES ME SO MAD,

I JUST WANNA PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK AND GO OVER THERE!

I MEAN, FLOWERS? YEAH.

HE SENDS ME FLOWERS? YOU GUYS, IF VAN SEES THESE, HE IS GONNA FREAK.

HOW DID THIS MICHAEL GUY KNOW THAT YOU LIKE DAISIES?

I MIGHT HAVE TOLD HIM THAT DAISIES WERE MY FAVORITE FLOWER.

OH. YOU TOLD HIM YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?

CHEYENNE, THAT IS LIKE EMOTIONAL THIRD BASE.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THIS GUY IS NOT GONNA JUST GO AWAY.

OH, WHAT DID I DO? I DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAD HIM ON.

WHY DID GOD CURSE ME WITH SUBTLE BEAUTY AND A BUBBLY PERSONALITY?

I KNOW. OKAY, ARE YOU READY TO LISTEN TO ME NOW?

YOU NEED TO CALL MICHAEL AND TELL HIM STRAIGHT UP...

THAT YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN AND HE CANNOT CONTACT YOU ANYMORE.

OR BETTER YET, SEND HIM FLOWERS WITH A NASTY NOTE.

WHAT?

I ONCE HAD A GENTLEMAN CALLER WHO KEPT SENDING ME FLOWERS AGAINST MY WILL.

SO I SENT HIM FLOWERS BACK WITH A NASTY NOTE, AND IT WORKED.

I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I SENSED MY PHOTOGRAPH WAS BEING TAKEN.

BUT I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.

BARBRA JEAN, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK. OH, YES, IT WILL.

THIS MICHAEL GUY CLEARLY SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF THE FLORA.

NOW, IF WE ONLY KNEW WHAT HIS FAVORITE FLOWER WAS.

OH, IT'S A TIE BETWEEN BIRDS OF PARADISE AND AZALEAS.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU TWO DIDN'T TALK ABOUT?

JUST WRITE, "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE, OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

ENJOY THESE BIRDS OF PARADISE."

CHEYENNE, TALK TO MICHAEL.

AND THIS TIME, DON'T USE BODY LANGUAGE.

IT WAS YOUR BODY THAT GOT YOU INTO THIS MESS!

I SEE. I'M GONNA TAKE THESE FLOWERS...

AND THROW 'EM IN THE TRASH BEFORE VAN SEES 'EM.

DO IT MY WAY, CHEYENNE. I AM NOT WRONG.

- I THINK SHE'S WRONG. - SO WRONG. SEND FLOWERS.

OKAY.

SOMEONE JUST TOOK MY PICTURE.

I SPEAK SEVEN LANGUAGES,

AND I'M A CRACK SHOT WITH A CROSSBOW.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

SOME SAY I REMIND THEM OF AN AMERICAN-LOOKING ANTONIO BANDERAS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I DANCE THE FLAMENCO.

MY HAIR IS THE COLOR OF THE MORNING SUN.

HENCE THE NAME, GOLDEN GOD.

MR. H. MR. H.

MR. H! WHAT?

WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I FOUND THE DAISIES I SENT CHEYENNE IN THE TRASH.

IN THE TRASH? IF YOU'D TOLD ME SHE WAS THAT MAD AT YOU,

WE COULD HAVE GONE WITH ROSES FROM THE GET-GO.

MR. H, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST START PAYING ATTENTION TO MY WIFE.

YOU DON'T WANNA GO THERE, SON.

LOOK, JUST ORDER THE FLOWERS, AND WE'LL GO FROM THERE.

- ALL RIGHT, GOT IT. - OH, AND, UH, LEAVE THOSE FLOWERS HERE.

- WHY? - I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT BARBRA JEAN FEELING NEGLECTED,

AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH AND... ANYWAY, I'M IN TROUBLE.

HI. I'M MICHAEL. HEY, MICHAEL.

THOSE AREN'T ROSES. NO, THEY'RE BIRDS OF PARADISE.

YEAH. FLOWERS ARE FLOWERS.

JUST GIVE ME THE PIGEONS OF PARADISE.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GIVE THESE FLOWERS TO CHEYENNE MYSELF.

HEY, MICHAEL, BUDDY, LISTEN, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE ENTHUSIASM FOR THE JOB,

BUT I'M GONNA TIP YA A BUCK EITHER WAY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME THE FLOWERS,

AND I'LL MAKE SURE CHEYENNE GETS THEM.

THEY'RE NOT FOR CHEYENNE. THEY'RE FROM CHEYENNE. CHEYENNE GOT ME FLOWERS?

MMM, NOT EXACTLY. WELL, WHO ELSE WOULD SHE GET 'EM FOR? I'M HER HUSBAND.

HERE YOU GO.

HE FORGOT HIS DOLLAR.

VAN, I DON'T THINK THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR YOU.

WELL, I THINK SOMEONE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS.

I'LL JUST PUT THESE HERE SO LONELY PEOPLE CAN ENJOY 'EM TOO.

WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

VAN, DON'T READ THE CARD. IT'S BAD LUCK TO READ THE NOTE.

"I HAD A NICE TIME WITH YOU,

AND I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I CAN NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN."

THREE YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND A CHILD TOGETHER, AND THAT'S A "NICE TIME"?

THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.

YEAH, I THINK THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.

- AND HERE'S CHEYENNE TO EXPLAIN IT. - EXPLAIN WHAT?

UH, REMEMBER THOSE FLOWERS THAT YOU SENT EARLIER?

WELL, THEY WERE, UM, RETURNED.

AND VAN THINKS THAT THE NOTE IS FOR HIM.

AND SINCE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT GETTIN' FLOWERS TODAY,

I'M GONNA GO HAVE SOME WINE.

WELL, I'M WAITING.

OKAY, VAN, THOSE FLOWERS... THEY WEREN'T FOR YOU. THEY WERE FOR ANOTHER MAN.

WHAT? NO, NO.

SEE, MINDY'S DADDY, MICHAEL, AND I HAD WHAT

I THOUGHT WAS A TOTALLY INNOCENT PLAYDATE.

ONLY, LATER, I REALIZED THAT HE THOUGHT...

IT WAS A LITTLE LESS PLAY AND A LITTLE MORE DATE.

- I'LL KILL HIM. - NO, NO! VAN, NO! STOP! VAN.

IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. OH, YEAH? IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING, HUH?

WELL, THIS LOVELY ARRANGEMENT OF PIGEONS OF PARADISE...

MEANS SOMETHIN'!

FOR A DOLLAR EXTRA, YOU COULD HAVE HAD A BALLOON.

YOU KNOW WHAT, VAN? MAYBE IT DID MEAN SOMETHING, OKAY?

MAYBE, I WAS A LITTLE MORE LONELY THAN I THOUGHT.

AND... AND IT WAS NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LISTENS TO ME.

OH.

"OH"?

SEE, IOU, AND YOU SAY, "OH."

I NEED YOU TO TALK TO ME, VAN.

OH. VAN!

I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT IT.

CAN YOU TRY, PLEASE?

'S BEEN A HARD COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I BEEN... I BEEN FEELING KINDA EMPTY.

THEN TALK TO ME OKAY.

CHEYENNE,

I FEEL...

EMPTY.

BABY.

WHAT ELSE? WHAT ELSE?

WELL, I WANT A SANDWICH.

I'M KINDA HUNGRY.

I'LL GET THAT.

FLOWERS FOR CHEYENNE MONTGOMERY. HOW YOU DOIN'?

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE, PAL, OR YOU'LL BE SORRY.

YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN.

VAN, IT SAYS YOU SENT THESE.

OKAY, GOLDEN GOD,

I'M GOING TO CALL IT A NIGHT.

YOU WANNA PLAY AGAIN TOMORROW?

NO CAN DO, RED ROSE.

WHY NOT? GOT A FLAMENCO LESSON?

NO. YOU'VE TAKEN ALL MY MONEY.

BUT I HAD A LOT OF FUN.

LIKEWISE.

SINCE WE WON'T BE DOIN' THIS ANYMORE,

SHOULD WE TELL EACH OTHER OUR REAL NAMES?

WHY NOT?

I LIVE IN HOUSTON,

AND MY NAME IS BROCK.

I ALSO LIVE IN HOUSTON,

AND MY NAME IS KEVIN.

ACME!