Original subtitles

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

OOH.

OOH.

HEY, VAN. IS REBA HERE?

I HAVE GOT BIG, BIG NEWS. OOH! TELL ME.

- I CAN'T. IT'S TOO PERSONAL. - TOO PERSONAL?

BARBRA JEAN, YOU'RE MY STEPMOTHER-IN-LAW, PARTIAL GRANDMOTHER TO MY CHILD,

THE WOMAN THAT I MAY ONE DAY HAVE TO PUT IN A HOME.

YOU'D PUT ME IN A HOME? IN A HEARTBEAT.

- THAT IS SO SWEET. - BUT, NO.

OH, GREAT. ALL RIGHT, NOW SCOOT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD THIS IN.

FINE. NO HOME FOR YOU. YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT PUDDING, AND YOU CAN DIAPER YOURSELF.

OKAY, REBA, I HAVE GOT HUGE NEWS. HUGE!

BARBRA JEAN, I'VE HAD A LONG, BAD DAY, AND THE LAST THING I WANNA DO...

IS SIT HERE AND PRETEND THAT I'M INTERESTED IN ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.

THAT'S ALSO TRUE ON A GOOD DAY.

I HAVE A CRUSH ON MY MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

TELL ME.

HA, HEY!

♪ MY ROOTS ARE PLANTED IN THE PAST ♪

♪ THOUGH MY LIFE IS CHANGING FAST ♪

♪ WHO I AM IS WHO I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ A SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TOO HARD ♪

♪ WHO LOVES HER KIDS AND NEVER STOPS ♪

♪ WITH GENTLE HANDS ♪

♪ AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER ♪

♪ I'M A SURVIVOR ♪♪

- BARBRA JEAN HAS THE HOTS FOR HER MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. - SHUT UP.

- NO, YOU SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

I'M SERIOUS! THEY'LL HEAR US!

OH, REBA, DR. MORGAN IS SO DREAMY.

AND I KNOW HE'S PAID TO LISTEN,

BUT THE WAY HE HANGS ON MY EVERY WORD,

IT'S LIKE HE'S DOIN' IT FOR FREE.

OKAY, CLEARLY, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP SEEIN' THE MAN.

OH, I CAN'T. I ALREADY MADE BROCK FIRE OUR LAST TWO COUNSELORS.

IF I DO IT AGAIN, HE'S GONNA ASK WHY.

WHAT AM I GONNA SAY? OH. I CAN'T LOOK AT HIM WITHOUT PURRING.

TALK IT OVER WITH DR. MORGAN.

I'M SURE HE'S DEALT WITH THIS KIND OF SITUATION BEFORE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I WILL. WILL YOU GO WITH ME?

- NO! - REBA, PLEASE?

I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I'M WEAK.

PEOPLE ONLY THINK I'M STRONG 'CAUSE I'M TALL.

I UNDERSTAND, JUST LIKE THEY ALL THINK YOU'RE CRAZY, 'CAUSE YA ARE.

HEY, MOM, WHAT YA DOIN'? YEAH.

IS THERE ANYTHING INTERESTING GOING ON? 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHIN' GOING ON HERE.

NOPE.

YOU CAN CUT THE ACT. I KNOW YOU GUYS WERE LISTENIN'.

OH, GOOD. IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO CONVINCE PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

MOM, YOU HAVE TO GO DOWN THERE WITH BARBRA JEAN.

WHY? ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS GO TALK TO THE MAN. AND EVEN SHE CAN DO THAT.

NO, NO, NO. TALKING IS EXACTLY HOW YOU GET YOURSELF INTO TROUBLE.

EVENTUALLY, YOU RUN OUT OF WORDS, AND THEN CLOTHES START FLYING.

MM-HMM. IF WE HAD BETTER VOCABULARIES, YOU WOULDN'T BE A GRANDMA.

NOTHIN' IS GONNA HAPPEN BETWEEN THEM.

MAYBE NOT, BUT WHAT COULD HAPPEN IS THAT BARBRA JEAN SAYS IT THE WRONG WAY,

AND IT SOMEHOW GETS BACK TO DAD.

THEIR MARRIAGE IS IN A FRAGILE PLACE RIGHT NOW.

EVERYTHING COULD BE LOST IF BARBRA JEAN STARTS DATING.

MOM, YOU'VE GOTTA GO DOWN THERE WITH HER.

WHY? WHEN DID BARBRA JEAN BECOME MY RESPONSIBILITY?

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND MARRIED HER.

LOOK, MOM, BARBRA JEAN NEEDS YOUR HELP.

AND IF YOU DON'T GO DOWN THERE WITH HER, WE WILL.

YEAH. WE WILL.

AND I CAN'T PROMISE YOU, IF THINGS GET HEATED UP,

I WON'T OPEN UP A CAN OF "WHOOP ASS" ON DR. DELICIOUS.

DON'T MAKE HIM OPEN UP THE CAN, MOM.

NOT A GOOD-ENOUGH REASON.

FINE. BUT ALL I KNOW IS...

THE BETTER SHE GETS ALONG WITH DAD, THE LESS SHE'S OVER HERE.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD-ENOUGH REASON.

IS THIS WEIRD? THIS IS WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK I'M WEIRD.

BARBRA JEAN, THE MAN DEALS WITH CRACKPOTS AND HEAD CASES ALL DAY.

IF YOU COULD SEEM NORMAL ANYWHERE, IT'D BE HERE.

AW, THANKS, REBA. YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

SPEAKIN' OF, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY TO HIM?

I WAS THINKING I'D START WITH, "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING. I'M JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

OH, BUT YOU HAVE TO.

JUST SEEIN' HIM GETS ME ALL TONGUE-TIED AND GIGGLY.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GRITS AND GRAVY, BARBRA JEAN, YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN.

QUIT ACTIN' LIKE A LITTLE, SILLY... YUM.

I KNOW. HE'S LIKE...

ORANGE CHICKEN FOR THE EYES.

WELL, HEY, BARBRA JEAN.

THIS IS AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE.

OH, FOR ME TOO.

EVERY TIME'S A PLEASURE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN A "PLEASURE" PLEASURE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A PLEASURE.

I JUST MEAN PLEASURE.

OH, MY GOSH. WHY CAN'T I STOP SAYIN' THAT WORD?

HI, I'M REBA HART. I JUST CAME ALONG TO KEEP HER FROM BABBLIN'.

I'VE LET HER DOWN.

HI. I'M, UH, JACK MORGAN. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

OKAY, REBA, YOU CAN GO NOW.

WHAT? TWO SECONDS AGO, YOU WANTED ME TO DO ALL THE TALKIN'.

WELL, YES, UH, THAT WAS BEFORE YOU STARTED ACTIN'...

LIKE I JUST INTRODUCED YOU TO DAVY JONES OF THE MONKEES.

UH, I'M SORRY. IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

ASK HER.

OH. WELL, IT'S, UM... IT'S... IT'S FUNNY, REALLY.

YEAH. BEE-BOP.

UM, I JUST, UH... I, UH... I THINK...

I THINK YOU'RE... OH, GOD, YOU SMELL GOOD.

WHAT SHE'S TRYIN' TO SAY IS SHE HAS A PROBLEM BECAUSE SHE IS ATTRACTED TO YOU.

OH, YOU DO SMELL GOOD. I KNOW.

OKAY, NO, I SEE. BARBRA JEAN, I KNOW YOU LOVE BROCK.

OH! I DO. I REALLY... I REALLY DO. I'M EVIL. THAT'S ALL.

NO. YOU'RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING CALLED TRANSFERENCE.

THAT'S WHEN SOMEBODY IN YOUR SITUATION BECOMES ATTRACTED TO THEIR THERAPIST.

EVEN SOME OF THE NERDY DOCTORS GET IT.

SO... SO I'M NOT BAD?

YOU DON'T WANNA PUNISH ME?

TRUST ME. NO, NO. YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.

BUT SINCE YOU'RE STILL FLIRTING WITH ME, I

SHOULD REFER YOU AND BROCK TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

SO, UM, I'LL TELL BROCK THAT IT'S BECAUSE I'VE TAKEN ON TOO MUCH.

OH, DOCTOR, YOU...

ARE A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MAN.

OH, GOD.

♪ AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET... ♪

SHE TOOK MY GUM.

YOU KNOW, YOU HANDLED THAT PRETTY WELL.

WELL, THANKS. IT DOES HAPPEN TO THERAPISTS QUITE A BIT.

I'VE HAD PATIENTS FALL FOR ME BEFORE.

I'LL BET.

I MEAN, YEAH, PEOPLE ARE WEAK. I... I GUESS I'D BETTER GO.

UM, REBA... DR. MORGAN...

GO AHEAD. NO, PLEASE, YOU GO FIRST.

I WAS JUST WONDERIN', SINCE YOU'RE NOT SEEING BROCK AND BARBRA JEAN ANYMORE,

MAYBE I COULD TAKE THEIR SPOT? OH, YOU'RE MARRIED?

NO, NO. I'M NOT EVEN SEEIN' ANYONE.

YET, YOU FEEL THE NEED FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

OH. YEAH. SILLY ME.

NO, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NEAT FOR YOU AND I TO KIND OF SIT DOWN AND CHAT...

EITHER HERE OR IN A DIMLY-LIT ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

EITHER WAY. OH.

ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT? OR DO YOU ACTUALLY WANNA SEE ME AS A PATIENT?

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.

WELL, IF YOU'RE ASKING TO SEE ME AS A PATIENT,

YOU PAY. IF YOU'RE ASKING ME OUT, I PAY.

OH, GOOD. LET'S GO WITH THE SECOND ONE.

OH, CHEYENNE. THERE YOU ARE. HEY.

HEY, I NEED YOU TO DO ME SOME FAVORS.

I NEED YOU TO SWITCH THE LAUNDRY,

WATCH JAKE TONIGHT AND PICK UP SOME MILK AT THE STORE.

- WHY? - 'CAUSE I SOLD THE COW FOR SOME MAGIC BEANS.

NO, NO, NO. I MEAN ABOUT WATCHING JAKE. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TONIGHT?

I HAVE A DATE. A DATE?

YOU DON'T DATE.

YES, I DO, THEORETICALLY.

WHO IS IT? IS IT THE BUTCHER WITH THE LAZY EYE?

NO.

THE DELIVERY GUY WITH THE HUMP?

EW!

HIS NAME IS DR. MORGAN. AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, HE'S PRETTIER THAN ME.

DR. MORGAN. DR. MORGAN. WHERE DO I KNOW THAT NAME FROM?

IT'LL COME TO YA.

HEY, MRS. H. WHAT'S NEW?

DR. MORGAN! SHE IS DATING DAD AND BARBRA JEAN'S MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

IS THAT TRUE?

YES. BUT IN MY DEFENSE, HE'S VERY HOT.

- WELL, DOES SHE KNOW? - DOES WHO KNOW?

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME.

I PRACTICALLY INVENTED THAT. YOU KNOW WHO.

BARBRA JEAN. DID YOU ASK HER IF IT'S OKAY?

WHY SHOULD I? BARBRA JEAN DIDN'T GET MY PERMISSION WHEN SHE DATED BROCK.

SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN BARBRA JEAN?

OOH!

BURN.

TRY NOT ASKIN' HER NOW.

FINE. I'LL DO IT.

WISH I COULD TRADE YOU KIDS FOR SOME MAGIC BEANS.

HEY, BROCK. HEY, REBA.

WHATCHA DOIN', WASHIN' YOUR WIG?

SERIOUSLY, YOU AND THE DOG HAVE THE SAME HAIR.

OH, HEY, REBA. HEY.

OH! DON'T THEY JUST LOOK ADORABLE?

MY LITTLE PRECIOUS AND MY BIG PRECIOUS.

IT WAS THEN HE REALIZED THAT MASCULINE FEELING...

WOULD NEVER RETURN.

- SO, REBA, WHAT BRINGS YOU BY? - I JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND TELL YA SOMETHIN'.

- I HAVE A DATE. - OOH! - OH.

WAY TO GO, HOT STUFF. IS IT THE BUTCHER WITH THE LAZY EYE?

NO. OH, REBA, IT'S NOT HARRY THE HUMP?

IT'S DR. MORGAN.

BARBRA JEAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M... I'M FINE. I JUST LOST THE FEELING IN MY HEAD THERE FOR A SECOND.

YOU KNOW HOW IT DOES.

- SO, YOU OKAY WITH THIS? - OH, YEAH.

I MEAN, YEAH, OF COURSE. I'M FINE. MM-HMM.

YEAH. I MEAN, WHY WOULD I CARE THAT YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT WITH MY MAN?

I MEAN, OUR MAN.

OUR COUNSELOR.

THERE IS JUST ONE TINY LITTLE PROBLEM THOUGH.

- YEAH? WHAT'S THAT? - HE'S GAY.

WHAT! OH, BROCK, HE'S NOT GAY. OF COURSE NOT.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHIN' STUPID LIKE THAT?

PLEASE, LOOK AT THE GUY. STYLISH HAIRCUT, KILLER SMILE, TAN.

SEEMS LIKE A GUY WHO'S A LITTLE TOO INTO HIS APPEARANCE.

OH, GREAT. NOW MY HANDS ARE ALL WRINKLED FROM THE STUPID BATH.

SO ANYHOW, I JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND TELL YOU ABOUT MY DATE.

GLAD YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

BROCK, HONEY, I GOT A LITTLE HEADACHE. COULD YOU GET ME SOME ASPIRIN?

YEAH, SURE, HONEY. OKAY.

- I'VE GOTTA GET SOME HAND CREAM ANYWAY. - RIGHT.

WELL, SO YOU FINALLY GOT ME, HUH? YA PAID ME BACK.

I TOOK YOUR MAN, SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA TAKE MINE?

I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR MAN. YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE. THAT'S ALL YOU GET.

THEY'RE NOT COLLECTIBLES.

YOU WERE NEVER MY FRIEND, WERE YOU?

YOU JUST WANTED TO KEEP ME CLOSE UNTIL THE

DAY YOU COULD DELIVER YOUR TRAITOROUS BLOW.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, PEACHES.

YOU KILLED SOMETHIN' TODAY... MY RESPECT FOR YOU.

OH, BARBRA JEAN. NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME.

NO, THAT IS RESERVED FOR MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE DOIN' ROLL CALL.

HERE YOU GO, HONEY. AH. MMM.

DID I MISS SOMETHING? NO, NO.

I WAS JUST LETTIN' REBA KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT HER DATE.

YEAH, WE ALL ARE.

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU CAN'T GO OUT WITH DR. MORGAN.

BARBRA JEAN LIKES HIM.

YOU KNEW? WELL, OF COURSE I KNEW.

MY WIFE IS MANY THINGS. SUBTLE IS NOT ONE OF 'EM.

WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU SAY HE WAS GAY?

OH, I JUST LIKE TO NEEDLE HER.

OH, GREAT. NOW I HAVE DOG HAIR ALL OVER MY FAVORITE SWEATER.

SO YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS?

PLEASE. BARBRA JEAN LOVES ME.

SHE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING. SHE HAS CRUSHES ALL THE TIME.

BESIDES, DO I LOOK LIKE A GUY WHO WOULD FEEL THREATENED BY ANYONE?

IF SHE HAS A NEW CRUSH EVERY WEEK, WHY CAN'T I GO OUT WITH THE GUY?

IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM AND BARBRA JEAN.

IT'S ABOUT YOU AND BARBRA JEAN.

IF YOU ASK HER WHAT QUALITY SHE ADMIRES MOST IN A PERSON, SHE'LL SAY IT'S LOYALTY.

AND IF YOU ASK HER WHAT PERSON HAS THAT QUALITY MOST, SHE'LL SAY IT'S REBA.

SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU, AND SHE WOULD BE DEVASTATED IF SHE THOUGHT YOU BETRAYED HER.

I'M NOT BETRAYING HER. I KNOW. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO THIS.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU, IT WILL REALLY HURT BARBRA JEAN.

AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED, SHE WOULD NEVER, EVER GO OUT WITH A GUY THAT YOU LIKED.

NOW. NOW! SHE WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH A GUY YOU LIKED NOW.

WELL, YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. THANKS.

YOU WANNA COME IN? I'M PRETTY SURE MY PARENTS ARE ASLEEP.

- HEY. - LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOM WAITED UP.

SWEETHEART, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? I THOUGHT CHEYENNE WAS BABYSITTIN'?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE WANTED ME TO COVER FOR HER...

AND SOMETHING ABOUT A SALE AT THE MALL...

AND WOULD I MIND MAKING UP A STORY FOR MOM.

SO ANYWAY, SHE'S STUDYING.

KYRA, THIS IS DR. MORGAN. HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WOW. HAS DAD SEEM HIM?

I USED TO BE HIS MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK.

WOW. THAT WAS A GREAT RESTAURANT YOU PICKED.

I HAVEN'T HAD CHINESE IN A WHILE.

WELL, FOR SOME REASON, I HAD A CRAVING FOR ORANGE CHICKEN.

I HAD A TERRIFIC TIME TONIGHT.

YEAH, ME TOO.

WHOO. THAT WAS JUST ALMOST ONE OF THOSE KISSIN' MOMENTS, WASN'T IT?

I'M, UH... I'M SORRY. IT WAS TOO FAST?

NO, NO, NO. NO, I SHOULD BE SORRY.

I KEEP THINKIN' ABOUT BARBRA JEAN.

IT'S JUST SHE LIKES ME SO MUCH.

I LIKE YOU TOO.

OOH, BOY, THAT WAS GOOD.

I WAS KINDA HOPIN' THAT WOULD STINK.

YEAH, THAT WAS MOSTLY JUST MY LOWER LIP.

I... I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.

I... I CAN'T DO THIS TO BARBRA JEAN. IT WOULD HURT HER TOO MUCH.

I MEAN, PEOPLE ONLY THINK SHE'S STRONG BECAUSE SHE'S SO TALL.

I UNDERSTAND. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

- I REALLY LIKE YOU. - AND I LIKE YOU TOO.

AND THE THING IS, THIS SHOWS WHAT A GOOD PERSON YOU ARE,

WHICH MAKES ME LIKE YOU EVEN MORE.

OH, I WISH I WAS BAD.

YEAH, I DO TOO.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

DON'T LEAVE HER.

- BARBRA JEAN? - REBA, YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH HIM.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY KITCHEN?

SINCE WE GOT HOME FROM THE RESTAURANT.

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU ALL NIGHT.

YOU REALIZE THAT'S NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR?

HEY, COWBOY, WE'RE NOT IN YOUR OFFICE.

REBA, I'M SO SORRY I DOUBTED OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WHEN I WAS IN THERE EAVESDROPPING ON YOU,

I REALIZED HOW SPECIAL OUR RELATIONSHIP IS.

SO TAKE THE HUNKY DOCTOR.

- YOU HAVE MY BLESSING. - ARE YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.

WELL, THAT'S VERY WARPED AND GENEROUS OF YOU, BARBRA JEAN.

AND YOU... IF YOU HURT HER,

YOU ARE GONNA HAVE ME TO DEAL WITH.

OH, GOD.

♪ AMAZING GRACE ♪

♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND ♪♪

WELL, I GOT MY GUM BACK. OH.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

ACME!