Original subtitles

? Who's the improbable duo That you heard about? ?

? Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal ?

? Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent? ?

? Who's still standing When you see the dust settle??

? It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster ?

? Hamster and Gretel ?

? If they can't do it Then nobody can ?

? Hamster, Hamster, Hamster ?

? Hamster and Gretel ?

? There's also Kevin In the minivan ?

MS. JAMANPOUR: All right, class.

Today, you'll be picking the subjects

for your "Who is your hero?" reports.

For example, My hero is the inventor of the heated ice cream scoop.

Not because of his invention, but because he saved me from a wild boar when I was nine.

Dibs on Superhero Gretel.

Oh, grateful for your energy this morning, Bailey.

But since you've already written about superhero Gretel

16 times this year,

you'll need a different subject.

Yes, Gretel?

Then, can I do superhero Gretel for my hero report?

Sure.

Gretel. What are you doing?

You can't do your hero report on yourself. Can you?

Sure I can.

They don't know it's about me.

This is going to be an easy "A".

A report on yourself? Due tomorrow?

Aren't you late for loitering at the mall with Anthony and Fred?

No, that's tomorrow night.

Tonight we're going to the Kazoo Festival.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Kazoo... Smaller than a cello cooler than a triangle.

It's the Kazoo Festival.

It's festive. Listen to our kazoo app today.

(PLAYING KAZOO)

Ooh, can I come?

No. You have a report to do, and you haven't even started it yet.

Don't sweat it, big bro.

I've got all the material I need right here.

I can just interview myself.

(KEVIN SWITCHES OFF TV) Hey.

Really, Kev, I was dominating.

You need to get serious about this, Gretel.

You've gotta cite sources.

And your brain is not a source.

Ugh, who needs sources?

You do. If you want a passing grade

But I wanted to come to the park and hear you play that fake instrument.

It's a kazoo. It's a real instrument.

And no, you did not.

I don't know, Kevin. I'm not really a library...

(GRETEL SCREAMS) Shh!

See? Told ya,

I'm too loud.

(WHISPERING) Oh! Sorry. We were just trying to... (GASPS) Okay.

That was weird.

Shh!

Actually, Kevin, that was weird.

We should probably investigate.

No, we shouldn't.

She's just a creepy librarian, and we need to get to work.

"So, superhero Gretel, what do you think of your bossy brother?"

"Well, Gretel..."

Your brain is not a source.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome to the periodical room.

No electronics allowed.

I hate it already.

Only print media, perfect for citing sources.

I'll be close if you need me.

Hamster, you keep her on task. I'm gonna go browse.

But what if some supervillain attacks?

It's a library.

I'm sure I can handle anything that comes up, except maybe Hemingway.

We get it. Ernest. There's an old man and a sea.

You'll get that joke in high school.

HAMSTER: We get it. It's just not funny.

(CREEPY MUSIC)

(WHISPERING) Wow.

(WHISPERING) I don't remember the library being this creepy,

FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Ooh, but they've gone too far this time.

This Kazoo Festival is a travesty.

A noise crime. A breach of the peace.

And I should know.

I was raised by an opera singer and a foley artist.

Noise, noise, all day, every day.

The library was my only refuge,

and I found my calling,

telling people to shush all day long.

But now, my shush isn't enough.

So I need a more permanent solution.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Um, so, to be clear, Miss,

you need to reschedule your teeth cleaning?

Oh yes, tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Oh, okay, we...

Well, time to do some hard-hitting research.

Ooh, a personality quiz.

"Are you a boss girl Gretel or a hype beast Hamster?"

"Take this quiz to find out."

I don't know about hype beasts,

but I'm pretty sure I'm the hamster.

Oh! Here we are, saving the city

from a killer dung beetle by tangling it in a kite.

That was clever of us.

That was Kevin's idea, actually.

Yeah, maybe I'll leave that part out of the report.

Now I've saved enough to buy this shush-inator,

soon, the whole world will be as quiet as my library.

I better get Gretel.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh! (GROANS)

(HISSES) Oh! It's you.

The loud boy from earlier.

You'll make them perfect guinea pig.

No, wait! no!

Your voice is mine now,

and the more voices I collect,

the more powerful my Shush-inator becomes.

Today, this town and its Kazoo festival.

Tomorrow, the world! Right after my dental cleaning at 3:30.

(OMNIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Where do you think you're going, boy?

Did I mention it's got a sonic blast setting, too.

Peek- a-boo.

Please don't run in the library.

Here's one about that time we defeated

that giant mutant burrito

with a truckload of hot sauce.

Ooh! I remember that we are so smart.

Actually, that was Kevin's idea, too.

Your idea was just to eat it.

It would've worked if we hadn't just had lunch.

(KAZOO MUSIC PLAYING)

From kazoo to boo hoo.

Actually, they can't boo hoo

since they won't have voices,

so it'll be more like muffled sobs?

Ugh, I don't know.

(KAZOO PLAYING)

How could it actually be worse than I thought it was gonna be?

This town... (GASPS)

(CRACKLING)

This Shush-inator was definitely worth

six easy payments of 19.99.

Ever feel like shushing the entire tri-state area?

Try the new Shush-inator from Doofensmirtz Evil Incorporated.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Six easy payments.

Oh, shush!

Now to shush the people in this town for good.

I Mayor Murray Meyer, have an emergency announcement.

I am... (GASPS)

(VOCALIZING)

Whatever you do, do not cut the... (GASPS)

Don't cut the what? The What?

LIBRARIAN: ? If you like to party and make lots of noise ?

? Gathering together the girls and the boys ?

? I guess I should warn you it's one of my joys ?

? To hush you and shush you and silence your voice ?

? It might did not make you happy, might ruin your day ?

? But I love the quiet, It's there I must stay ?

? Books on my treasure and reading's my job ?

? And thinking's required ?

? So shut your big gob ?

? Listen to me You don't need to verbalize ?

? You know, silence is golden, but my peace has been stolen ?

? From now on, you'll speak with your eyes ?

? Give me your voice ?

? That's what I'm after ?

? I'll take your chitter, your chatter ?

? It does not matter ?

? The noise ?

? Give me your voice ?

? Be silent forever ?

? I'll have no remorse ?

? When this world is hoarse ?

? My life will be better ?

? Give me your voice ?

It's so quiet.

Not a sound.

Seriously, this is the most fun I've had all year.

No. What is that infernal racket?

(KAZOO PLAYING)

Hey. That cart is library property.

(KAZOOS PLAYING)

You haven't outsmarted me.

(SHUSHINATOR POWERING UP)

Get back here!

(GROANS) I hate Kazoos.

You're done for, boy.

That's not good. Rooftop.

What a relief!

Now, my emergency announcement.

I am neither a cat person nor a dog person.

REPORTER: What about turkey, sir?

(GASPS)

(VOCALIZING)

(GASPS)

Do not cut the blue wire.

My egg timer is fixed.

Thanks, honey. See you at dinner.

Please don't call me at work anymore.

(PEOPLE BREATHING DEEPLY)

(PLAYING KAZOO)

Oh, good, everyone got their voices back.

Want to go loiter at the mall?

Well, we were saving that for tomorrow, but you only live once.

(GRUNTS)

It. It, it worked!

(GROANS)

What? My Shush-inator! It's ruined.

You'll pay for this.

(SCREAMS)

Hey, keep it down. This is a library.

And this is a super loud librarian punch.

And just like that Hamster and Gretel

and nobody else saved the day.

So you get everything you need for your hero report?

Thanks to you.

I think I did.

What is a hero?

A hero is someone you can count on every single time.

Someone like my big brother Kevin.

(BAILEY GASPS)

GRETEL: He's got great ideas

and always does the right thing.

Because that's what heroes do, even if they don't get the credit.

(CHILDREN CLAPPING)

That's a lovely sentiment, Gretel.

But "Older Brother Kevin" wasn't one of our approved subjects,

and you've got literally zero sources,

so you'll be getting a C.

Fair enough. He's still my hero.

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