Original subtitles

[BEEPING]

Oh! The Smiths are back from their trip in 20 minutes.

Plenty of time for finishing touches.

??

??

I can't wait 'til they see this!

- You're back! - From hell!

Our trip to Gettysburg sucked!

I mean, I love war, but mix it up a little.

Gimme a beach or a pumpkin patch, something!

And the place was a dump, littered with cannons!

The wind was relentless!

Not a single coconut.

You couldn't get a pi�a colada anywhere!

Took us forever to get there.

Why couldn't they fight their war closer to the highway?

I thought Gettysburg would be relaxing,

but they just bombard you

with all these facts about things that happened.

You know, I was half expecting you

to screw up the house in four score

and seven ways, but it looks great.

And roses?! My favorite old lady smell!

I'm so happy you like it.

JEFF: Wait.

Is this a different [BLEEP] frame?

Ah, yes. Jurgen was over.

He bumped into the old one, and it broke.

- [ALL GASP] - He what?!

Not the frame!

So, you just replaced it?

And didn't say anything?

But it was just the cheap cardboard one

they give you with the photo.

So I bought you a new one,

a nicer one, from World Market.

Nice is your style. Not our style.

But the photograph is fine, and that's what's important, right?

The photo is nothing!

It was the frame that held all our memories!

Remember the blood stains on it from when dad

challenged the hula dancer to five-finger fillet?

ALL: Awww.

We trusted you with our bloody, mass-produced cardboard frame,

and you replace it with something artisan?

Do you know what they would do

to someone like you in the civil war?

I don't recall because I was enjoying Jagermeister in the car

during the corporal punishment reenactment.

But I'm guessing it was unpleasant.

??

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

- ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

[WIND WHISTLING]

Wow. We truly live in windy times.

Are you all really still upset about the family photo?

Family photo?

- The frame! - Oh, God, the frame!

- Yes, I feel sick. - We all do.

I wish we could go on a good trip now

to forget about the frame.

I can't, I've used all my P.T.O. days.

You don't get unlimited P.T.O.?

Where do you work, a gulag?

That's low key messed up, Mr. S.

I'm gonna figure out how to get us a do-over vacation.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Spirit Airlines, 4:00 a.m. flight,

Christmas Eve, destination...

North Korea.

[WIND WHISTLING]

BULLOCK: Over the last three months,

windstorms around the globe

have been growing in frequency and magnitude.

So I brought in an expert... Gust Breezer, wind theorist.

Oh, so this is how he's getting us a vacation.

Sorry, Stan, did you say something?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

You've been looking to science for answers,

but science can't explain wind.

We need to look, instead, to history,

the opposite of science.

The Mayans, the Babylonians, all ancient cultures,

had myths to explain the source of the wind.

All of them easily debunked by the granddaddy of them all...

the Sumerian idea,

"there's a giant in the ocean that controls the wind."

Pff! This whack-job calls himself a wind theorist?

This is not how we treat a guest speaker!

Dick, I'd fire you for disrespecting

this totally legitimate theory.

But I'm pretty sure I report to you. Do I?

Come on, sir! A giant in the ocean?

What has your civilization done to solve the wind mystery?

Hmm? Tell me.

Can't? Then get out.

Smith had the right idea. You're fired!

It was an honor working for you.

If I did. Best damn boss I ever had.

If you were.

I'm sorry, Dr. Breezer.

He's not a reflection of this agency.

The CIA respects both science and fantasy.

Please, you spoke of a giant?

What's its name?

The Sumerians considered the giant's name

too sacred to speak.

But [BLEEP] it, I'll just say it.

It's "Tall Jeremy."

We must sail across the ocean

and convince him to stop blowing.

I'd like to volunteer.

Good man, Smith.

Take the CIA yacht.

I'm sorry, it'll be a long, slow journey

because we stocked it with so much food and booze.

Can I bring my family along?

Why?

Um, 'cause Tall Jeremy loves marital sex?

Dr. Breezer?

It's not his favorite type of sex.

But I say let's hit him with all we got.

_

Why are all these people outside?

We're going on another trip and hiring someone

to help out while we're gone.

You're hiring a house sitter?

- But that's my job. - [CHUCKLES]

Not just a house sitter.

They got to keep an eye on your frame-breaking ass, as well.

There's only one thing that could go wrong with the house,

and that's you.

[WIND WHISTLING, HOUSE RUMBLING]

Whoa.

[SCREAMING]

Is it a witch?

No, witches have brooms.

I think it's...

a Dick.

Shut up! It's Dick, my old boss.

Ever since I got fired, I've been spiraling.

In a fun way?

Afraid not.

I lost my apartment, my savings, and I'm living in my car.

How? It's been one day.

All that was kind of going on before.

But now I don't have a job either.

I saw the sign out front. Are you guys hiring?

Yes. We need someone to watch the house.

But more importantly, what do you know about pet sitting?

??

? A pet sitter should be kind ?

? Handsome with no warts ?

? Always on time ?

? Good with animals ?

? No warts ?

He is really emphasizing "no warts."

It's making me think he has warts.

I love where you were going with the song,

but we should probably explain.

This isn't your typical pet sitting job.

? We're looking for a candidate to keep ?

? Their eyes on Klaus ?

? This guy is pathetic ?

? Can't trust him with our house ?

? We need someone who's vigilant ?

? Make sure he stays in line ?

? I've always been the one in charge ?

? The house has been just fine ?

? Don't let him order Instacart ?

? He'll leave you with the fee ?

? He'll sneak right into Steve's room ?

- ? And read his diary ? - It's a blog!

? No, we can't trust the fish with our things ?

Can't trust me?!

This house would be a hovel without me.

? Without me, who would swiffer? ?

? Who'd spray the yard for tics? ?

? I'm the one who keeps the house ?

? Don't need no help from Dick ?

? I think that my experience ?

? Makes me the perfect fit ?

? I'll never take my eyes off him ?

? I'll watch him while I shit ?

? 'Cause we can't trust the fish with our things ?

? No, we can't trust the fish ?

? With our things ?

[SONG ENDS]

Well, our song is over,

and all the other candidates were blown away by the wind.

You're hired, Dick.

[WIND WHISTLING]

Here are the instructions on Klaus.

- Don't deviate. - Don't put Dick in charge.

Please, give me a chance to regain your trust.

- Pleassssssse! - Klaus, we just sang a whole song.

When have you ever known this family to change course

after singing a song?

[WIND WHISTLING]

Ooh. Missed a spot.

So, Klaus, tell me about yourself.

What's your favorite season?

Oh, I can't talk. I'm just your run-of-the-mill,

dumbass goldfish who doesn't even have

a human brain and needs a pet sitter.

- Listen, this wasn't my... - Bah-bah-bahhhh.

I can't hear you. Bah-bahhhh.

You're so stupid. What are you even doing?

Having my mail forwarded to this address.

It's just easier since I'm going to be here a few weeks

Weeks?! [GROANS]

Let's take a look at the rules.

Says here you're not allowed to touch the burners.

What?! Let me see that. I touch them to my liking.

Feed it twice a day.

It?!

Limit meals to breakfast

and two shakes of fish flakes at night.

Two shakes?!

I eat a whole rotisserie chicken every day!

Wow. They don't treat you well.

No wonder you're pissed at them.

You know what? Forget the rules.

Want to get some food? How do you feel about Wow Cow?

I...

Really like Wow Cow.

I've seen how the family belittles you.

They treat you like an outsider.

You know, my ex-wife used to make me feel like an outsider,

even when I was insider.

[LAUGHS] That's sad.

And then she left me.

Your wife left you?

My wife left me, too, for an entire bobsled team.

Since then, I've been desperate for connection.

- I'd do... - TOGETHER: Anything to fit in.

[GASPS] You're pathetic the same way I'm pathetic.

Klaus, you and I are two fish in the same school.

You make me feel understood, Dick.

A sensitive soul in a cruel world.

Hey! Can I get that [BLEEP] spoon I asked for?

Ah, I shouldn't be hard on her.

We're definitely leaving without paying.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Who knew all we needed was a fully staffed yacht

with a 60-foot water slide and a jazz quartet

to feel like ourselves again.

Got to give it to Roger for hooking it up.

- Hey, where is Roger? - ROGER: Hey, fam.

I have great news.

I just scored in a trade,

robbed these Somalian pirates blind.

Wait, what?

For our yacht, I got this incredible

oar boat, a gift certificate for Sam Goody,

and a whole herd of cattle that we have to pick up

in the Galapagos later.

You traded the yacht?

Are you insane?!

We have to be reasonable.

The yacht is too big, it's too heavy.

We got to travel light and skippy

if we want to find the giant.

Whoa, wait. We're actually looking for a giant?

- That's a myth. - A myth you made up.

Exactly. So if it's not

a real myth, it must be true.

Sorry, gang. He's actually right about that.

I don't care.

I'm entitled to a good vacation,

and I'm not leaving this yacht for anything.

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

This is gonna be great.

You're gonna lose so much weight rowing,

and then you're gonna gain it all back eating cattle.

We're not gonna breed them or milk them.

We're just gonna eat 'em all.

[WIND WHISTLING]

I've had the best time with you today, Dick.

We've hit up all my favorite spots...

Wow Cow, the mechanical horse outside CVS,

and now the Hallmark store?

Glad you're having fun.

I got to mail this "props on your new gig, slick"

card to myself.

- Be right back. - No problem.

- Psst. Klaus. - Lewis?

How do you know that guy you're with?

You mean, Dick? He's staying with me.

Dick is staying in your house?

You have to get him out before it's too late.

Dick's a squatter!

No way. Dick's my bro.

Listen, a few months back, I hired Dick to watch

my pet boa constrictor, T'Challa,

while I was on vacation.

Has Dick gotten any mail to your house?

Not yet, but he did forward his mail.

Why do you ask?

Because once he establishes residency with the post office

and stays for at least a month,

you can't get him out!

He tried to do that to me, but luckily,

I had to cut my trip to Hedonism II short due to

a condition clinically known as "gonorrhea mania."

You mean, Dick's going to steal our house?

You still have time to stop him.

Oh, damn. I've got a job interview at Orange Julius.

I'm putting you down as a reference.

- Ready to go? - No.

I just had a very disturbing run-in

with principal Lewis.

He told me everything.

- Lewis? Who is Lewis? - Shut up!

I know you're a squatter and you're trying to take our house.

Maybe I am.

But come on, it's obvious from the family's rules

that they don't even care about you.

They call you "it".

And you're gonna help them?

No, I'm gonna help you.

I want in.

- _ - Faster. Faster.

We need to hustle if we're going to find the giant.

Dad! This is getting almost as bad as Gettysburg.

Screw this. I'm making a call.

[BEEPS]

We can't hover any longer.

We got to turn back.

Roger, last chance. Get on the chopper.

Can't. I got to find that giant!

The giant's not real, you fool!

That's what they said about Atlantis.

And they were right!

Sorry? What was that last thing?

Ah, nothing like being at sea for a month

to make my scurvy flare up.

Odd. My key doesn't work.

Dick! Dick, can you give me a hand?

My key isn't working.

I can't let you in, Stan.

Oh, no, did Klaus screw up the door from the inside?

This isn't your house anymore.

It's ours.

Since you abandoned it and took to the open sea

for a month, Dick and I established residency

and took ownership.

Maritime laws. Look it up.

I will not.

Why are you doing this, Dick?

It's gonna be awkward at work.

You got me fired!

Oh, yeah.

Forget that. This is my house.

And I'm getting in with a little help from my friends, B and E.

Aw, man, I think I made it harder for us.

[SIREN WAILS, TIRES SQUEAL]

Thank God, the pigs!

They're here for you.

But it's my house!

Not according to maritime law, it isn't.

What if I shoot them?

I mean, it would still be their house.

He's not gonna shoot you!

But you can shoot him,

since he's trespassing on your property!

KLAUS: Fair enough.

[GUNFIRE]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[WIND WHISTLING]

Those bastards.

Not the cops. It was super cool of them

to take my $10,000 bribe.

That was your bail, Dad.

This isn't over for you.

Well, then, screw them and Dick and Klaus.

But how can we get the house back? Take 'em to court?

And read all that sea law?

No thanks.

Maybe we just have to face it.

Klaus screwed us over for good this time.

We can't let Klaus win.

Hey, Steve, you got any thoughts?

Yeah.

Was the Candy Land Airbnb the only one available, or...?

No, there was also a house with all beige carpeting.

Would you have liked me following you around all day?

"Don't spill. Don't spill."

[WIND WHISTLING]

New rule, Klaus. There are no rules.

Yeah, eff that thing.

I love being a homeowner.

I don't think we should take down the family photo.

Why not? You don't still care

about these jerks, do you?

No way.

I'm just afraid your naked body

doesn't match the color scheme of the room.

You're afraid of that?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Well, except g-g-g-ghosts.

Look, I'm just gonna say it.

The hula skirts are cultural appropriation.

_

FRANCINE: Stick to the rules, but don't forget to have

some fun with Klaus from time to time.

He loves Wow Cow and superhero movies.

He goes nuts for the mechanical horse at CVS.

Oh, that horse is so badass.

STAN: Try to watch stuff with him downstairs

so he doesn't get lonely at night.

The downstairs TV sucks, so don't watch cool stuff

like "Avatar" and "Westworld" on it,

but it's fine for "Impractical Jokers",

which is all Klaus watches anyway.

Wow. They really know me.

Hey, Dick didn't tell me the nice stuff they said.

That snaky bitch.

Wait. Was that tiger originally Tommy Lee Jones?

[SEAGULLS CRYING]

Tall Jeremy! My man!

Thanks for rescuing me. You don't look so good.

I'm sick.

[GROANS]

- [SNEEZES] - [SEAGULLS SCREECH]

Ohhh. That's what's causing all the wind.

[SIGHS] I don't know.

[BLOWS]

[SQUEALS]

[SLURPS]

Ow!

Oh, soup's too hot to eat!

I hate being sick.

Hang in there, buckaroo. You'll feel better soon.

In the meantime, could you maybe eat cold soup?

The blowing is really doing a number on our coastal cities.

Cold soup? Nah.

I'll just go back to eating people.

That works. You can tell

I'm not a people, right?

Of course. Can't everybody?

Great. So eat people, cover your mouth

with that squid when you sneeze,

and can you throw me about a thousand miles that way?

No problemo.

[GRUNTS]

ROGER: Gracias, amigo!

You were right. I have to get rid of Dick.

But it's too late. He already has squatter's rights.

There must be some way to get him out of the house.

Maybe you could scare him out.

How? He's not afraid of anything.

We went to that trampoline park, and he barely even looked at

the waiver before signing it.

Oh, and he uses the bathroom at the beach.

He's fearless!

[GASPS] Oh, no, he's not.

[CHAINS RATTLING, GROWLING]

He-hello?

VOICE: Dick...

I've come for you.

A ghost!

Are you the spirit of the old woman whose condo I stole?

No, I'm a generic ghost.

[SCREAMS]

Whoa, that was fast.

We didn't even get to do the bleeding walls

or the fake satanic ritual.

Tuttle, you can come out now.

It's already over?

Yeah. Sorry, man.

Is that what you think a ghost looks like?

- [BEEP] - Hey, this is Chris Pratt.

Nah, I'm just playin'.

It's Stan. Leave a message after the...

- [BEEP] - [CHUCKLES]

Oh, that was good, Stan.

I needed that laugh.

It's been rough lately, stealing the house from you and all.

Anyhoo, I've got a big surprise for you.

Meet me at the house.

You're gonna be thrilled.

Kay, bye.

Whew. Dick's gone, and now I'm gonna get my family back.

Well done, me.

[GASPS]

Whew. That could have gotten out of hand.

[BLOWS]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No!

Shit.

[CAR DOORS CLOSING]

What the [BLEEP] did you do?!

I got rid of Dick!

And I saved the family photo.

You burned down the house!

Yes, but what I learned is, it's not about the house.

It's the people who make a home.

- The carpenters? - No.

- The architect. - No.

- Contractors? - No.

What are you talking about?!

Let me explain another way.

It's like this photo.

The house is the frame, which isn't important.

You get me? But you guys are the people in the photo.

ALL: No shit!

[GRUNTING]

The giant was real!

And he's got a hell of an arm.

Damn, you gave Klaus a babysitter

and he still burned down the house?

Come on, Jeff, let's do it in the ashes.

Babe, you are such a little freak.

Whoa that's got to be tough to hear, Stan.

Why's that? Should I be upset my daughter pulls ass?

Have a great night!

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