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1
00:00:04,020 --> 00:00:05,553
[BEEPING]
2
00:00:05,555 --> 00:00:08,622
Oh! The Smiths are back from
their trip in 20 minutes.
3
00:00:08,616 --> 00:00:11,985
Plenty of time for finishing touches.
4
00:00:12,878 --> 00:00:22,686
??
5
00:00:22,663 --> 00:00:32,471
??
6
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,649
I can't wait 'til they see this!
7
00:00:34,646 --> 00:00:36,712
- You're back!
- From hell!
8
00:00:36,709 --> 00:00:38,175
Our trip to Gettysburg sucked!
9
00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:41,041
I mean, I love war,
but mix it up a little.
10
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:43,503
Gimme a beach or a pumpkin patch,
something!
11
00:00:43,499 --> 00:00:47,034
And the place was a dump,
littered with cannons!
12
00:00:47,027 --> 00:00:48,893
The wind was relentless!
13
00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:50,156
Not a single coconut.
14
00:00:50,155 --> 00:00:52,022
You couldn't get a
pi๏ฟฝa colada anywhere!
15
00:00:52,020 --> 00:00:53,552
Took us forever to get there.
16
00:00:53,550 --> 00:00:55,951
Why couldn't they fight their
war closer to the highway?
17
00:00:55,947 --> 00:00:58,547
I thought Gettysburg would be relaxing,
18
00:00:58,542 --> 00:01:00,075
but they just bombard you
19
00:01:00,074 --> 00:01:02,475
with all these facts about
things that happened.
20
00:01:02,471 --> 00:01:04,204
You know, I was half expecting you
21
00:01:04,201 --> 00:01:06,001
to screw up the house in four score
22
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:08,199
and seven ways, but it looks great.
23
00:01:08,195 --> 00:01:11,797
And roses?! My favorite old lady smell!
24
00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:13,790
I'm so happy you like it.
25
00:01:13,787 --> 00:01:15,186
JEFF: Wait.
26
00:01:15,185 --> 00:01:18,119
Is this a different [BLEEP] frame?
27
00:01:18,114 --> 00:01:20,114
Ah, yes. Jurgen was over.
28
00:01:20,111 --> 00:01:21,978
He bumped into the old one,
and it broke.
29
00:01:21,975 --> 00:01:23,775
- [ALL GASP]
- He what?!
30
00:01:23,773 --> 00:01:24,838
Not the frame!
31
00:01:24,837 --> 00:01:26,971
So, you just replaced it?
32
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:28,368
And didn't say anything?
33
00:01:28,366 --> 00:01:30,899
But it was just the cheap cardboard one
34
00:01:30,895 --> 00:01:32,428
they give you with the photo.
35
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,759
So I bought you a new one,
36
00:01:33,758 --> 00:01:36,692
a nicer one, from World Market.
37
00:01:36,687 --> 00:01:39,688
Nice is your style. Not our style.
38
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:43,417
But the photograph is fine,
and that's what's important, right?
39
00:01:43,410 --> 00:01:44,809
The photo is nothing!
40
00:01:44,807 --> 00:01:46,407
It was the frame that
held all our memories!
41
00:01:46,405 --> 00:01:48,339
Remember the blood stains
on it from when dad
42
00:01:48,337 --> 00:01:51,404
challenged the hula dancer
to five-finger fillet?
43
00:01:51,398 --> 00:01:53,732
ALL: Awww.
44
00:01:53,728 --> 00:01:56,929
We trusted you with our bloody,
mass-produced cardboard frame,
45
00:01:56,923 --> 00:01:59,724
and you replace it
with something artisan?
46
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,118
Do you know what they would do
47
00:02:01,117 --> 00:02:03,250
to someone like you in the civil war?
48
00:02:03,247 --> 00:02:06,182
I don't recall because I was
enjoying Jagermeister in the car
49
00:02:06,176 --> 00:02:08,710
during the corporal
punishment reenactment.
50
00:02:08,706 --> 00:02:12,308
But I'm guessing it was unpleasant.
51
00:02:12,301 --> 00:02:15,034
??
52
00:02:15,029 --> 00:02:17,630
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
53
00:02:17,626 --> 00:02:21,361
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
54
00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:24,555
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
55
00:02:24,549 --> 00:02:29,119
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
56
00:02:30,873 --> 00:02:34,207
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
57
00:02:34,201 --> 00:02:36,936
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
58
00:02:36,931 --> 00:02:38,030
Aah!
59
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:42,262
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
60
00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:43,589
[WIND WHISTLING]
61
00:02:43,587 --> 00:02:46,655
Wow. We truly live in windy times.
62
00:02:47,915 --> 00:02:52,651
Are you all really still
upset about the family photo?
63
00:02:52,641 --> 00:02:53,973
Family photo?
64
00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:56,972
- The frame!
- Oh, God, the frame!
65
00:02:56,967 --> 00:02:59,101
- Yes, I feel sick.
- We all do.
66
00:02:59,098 --> 00:03:01,098
I wish we could go on a good trip now
67
00:03:01,095 --> 00:03:02,828
to forget about the frame.
68
00:03:02,825 --> 00:03:05,492
I can't, I've used all my P.T.O. days.
69
00:03:05,488 --> 00:03:07,354
You don't get unlimited P.T.O.?
70
00:03:07,351 --> 00:03:08,885
Where do you work, a gulag?
71
00:03:08,883 --> 00:03:11,217
That's low key messed up, Mr. S.
72
00:03:11,214 --> 00:03:14,215
I'm gonna figure out how to
get us a do-over vacation.
73
00:03:14,209 --> 00:03:15,741
Here's what I'm thinking.
74
00:03:15,739 --> 00:03:17,672
Spirit Airlines, 4:00 a.m. flight,
75
00:03:17,670 --> 00:03:20,005
Christmas Eve, destination...
76
00:03:20,001 --> 00:03:21,666
North Korea.
77
00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:23,664
[WIND WHISTLING]
78
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,728
BULLOCK: Over the last three months,
79
00:03:25,725 --> 00:03:27,592
windstorms around the globe
80
00:03:27,589 --> 00:03:29,722
have been growing in
frequency and magnitude.
81
00:03:29,719 --> 00:03:35,857
So I brought in an expert...
Gust Breezer, wind theorist.
82
00:03:35,843 --> 00:03:38,844
Oh, so this is how he's
getting us a vacation.
83
00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:41,039
Sorry, Stan, did you say something?
84
00:03:41,036 --> 00:03:42,836
Oh, no, it's nothing.
85
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,899
You've been looking to
science for answers,
86
00:03:44,896 --> 00:03:46,963
but science can't explain wind.
87
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,694
We need to look, instead, to history,
88
00:03:49,689 --> 00:03:51,088
the opposite of science.
89
00:03:51,087 --> 00:03:53,888
The Mayans, the Babylonians,
all ancient cultures,
90
00:03:53,883 --> 00:03:56,217
had myths to explain
the source of the wind.
91
00:03:56,213 --> 00:03:59,615
All of them easily debunked by
the granddaddy of them all...
92
00:03:59,608 --> 00:04:01,207
the Sumerian idea,
93
00:04:01,205 --> 00:04:04,206
"there's a giant in the ocean
that controls the wind."
94
00:04:04,201 --> 00:04:07,803
Pff! This whack-job calls
himself a wind theorist?
95
00:04:07,796 --> 00:04:11,131
This is not how we
treat a guest speaker!
96
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:13,458
Dick, I'd fire you for disrespecting
97
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,053
this totally legitimate theory.
98
00:04:15,051 --> 00:04:17,319
But I'm pretty sure
I report to you. Do I?
99
00:04:17,315 --> 00:04:20,182
Come on, sir! A giant in the ocean?
100
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:25,046
What has your civilization
done to solve the wind mystery?
101
00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:26,503
Hmm? Tell me.
102
00:04:26,502 --> 00:04:28,835
Can't? Then get out.
103
00:04:28,831 --> 00:04:31,766
Smith had the right idea. You're fired!
104
00:04:34,822 --> 00:04:36,689
It was an honor working for you.
105
00:04:36,686 --> 00:04:39,554
If I did. Best damn boss I ever had.
106
00:04:39,549 --> 00:04:40,982
If you were.
107
00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,743
I'm sorry, Dr. Breezer.
108
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:48,140
He's not a reflection of this agency.
109
00:04:48,136 --> 00:04:52,672
The CIA respects both
science and fantasy.
110
00:04:52,663 --> 00:04:55,397
Please, you spoke of a giant?
111
00:04:55,392 --> 00:04:56,725
What's its name?
112
00:04:56,723 --> 00:04:59,057
The Sumerians considered
the giant's name
113
00:04:59,054 --> 00:05:00,586
too sacred to speak.
114
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:01,584
But [BLEEP] it, I'll just say it.
115
00:05:01,582 --> 00:05:03,315
It's "Tall Jeremy."
116
00:05:03,313 --> 00:05:04,646
We must sail across the ocean
117
00:05:04,645 --> 00:05:07,112
and convince him to stop blowing.
118
00:05:07,108 --> 00:05:08,241
I'd like to volunteer.
119
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,372
Good man, Smith.
120
00:05:09,371 --> 00:05:11,104
Take the CIA yacht.
121
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,037
I'm sorry, it'll be a long, slow journey
122
00:05:14,031 --> 00:05:18,233
because we stocked it with
so much food and booze.
123
00:05:18,225 --> 00:05:19,957
Can I bring my family along?
124
00:05:19,955 --> 00:05:21,022
Why?
125
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,955
Um, 'cause Tall Jeremy
loves marital sex?
126
00:05:24,947 --> 00:05:26,014
Dr. Breezer?
127
00:05:26,014 --> 00:05:27,613
It's not his favorite type of sex.
128
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:29,678
But I say let's hit him with all we got.
129
00:05:31,293 --> 00:05:33,078
_
130
00:05:34,213 --> 00:05:36,101
Why are all these people outside?
131
00:05:36,099 --> 00:05:38,432
We're going on another
trip and hiring someone
132
00:05:38,428 --> 00:05:39,494
to help out while we're gone.
133
00:05:39,493 --> 00:05:41,293
You're hiring a house sitter?
134
00:05:41,291 --> 00:05:43,424
- But that's my job.
- [CHUCKLES]
135
00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:44,887
Not just a house sitter.
136
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,153
They got to keep an eye on your
frame-breaking ass, as well.
137
00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:51,349
There's only one thing that
could go wrong with the house,
138
00:05:51,343 --> 00:05:53,409
and that's you.
139
00:05:53,406 --> 00:05:55,273
[WIND WHISTLING, HOUSE RUMBLING]
140
00:05:55,270 --> 00:05:57,203
Whoa.
141
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,533
[SCREAMING]
142
00:06:02,459 --> 00:06:04,059
Is it a witch?
143
00:06:04,057 --> 00:06:06,057
No, witches have brooms.
144
00:06:06,054 --> 00:06:07,186
I think it's...
145
00:06:07,185 --> 00:06:08,852
a Dick.
146
00:06:09,516 --> 00:06:12,717
Shut up! It's Dick, my old boss.
147
00:06:12,711 --> 00:06:15,912
Ever since I got fired,
I've been spiraling.
148
00:06:15,906 --> 00:06:17,105
In a fun way?
149
00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:18,704
Afraid not.
150
00:06:18,702 --> 00:06:22,704
I lost my apartment, my savings,
and I'm living in my car.
151
00:06:22,696 --> 00:06:24,429
How? It's been one day.
152
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,359
All that was kind of going on before.
153
00:06:26,357 --> 00:06:27,956
But now I don't have a job either.
154
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,823
I saw the sign out front.
Are you guys hiring?
155
00:06:30,818 --> 00:06:33,685
Yes. We need someone to watch the house.
156
00:06:33,679 --> 00:06:37,414
But more importantly,
what do you know about pet sitting?
157
00:06:37,407 --> 00:06:39,007
??
158
00:06:39,005 --> 00:06:41,338
? A pet sitter should be kind ?
159
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,534
? Handsome with no warts ?
160
00:06:43,531 --> 00:06:44,998
? Always on time ?
161
00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:46,195
? Good with animals ?
162
00:06:46,194 --> 00:06:47,393
? No warts ?
163
00:06:47,392 --> 00:06:49,325
He is really emphasizing "no warts."
164
00:06:49,323 --> 00:06:50,590
It's making me think he has warts.
165
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:52,588
I love where you were
going with the song,
166
00:06:52,585 --> 00:06:54,851
but we should probably explain.
167
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,783
This isn't your typical pet sitting job.
168
00:06:57,778 --> 00:07:00,645
? We're looking for
a candidate to keep ?
169
00:07:00,639 --> 00:07:02,305
? Their eyes on Klaus ?
170
00:07:02,303 --> 00:07:04,170
? This guy is pathetic ?
171
00:07:04,168 --> 00:07:06,369
? Can't trust him with our house ?
172
00:07:06,365 --> 00:07:08,565
? We need someone who's vigilant ?
173
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,694
? Make sure he stays in line ?
174
00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:12,758
? I've always been
the one in charge ?
175
00:07:12,755 --> 00:07:14,687
? The house has been just fine ?
176
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,753
? Don't let him order Instacart ?
177
00:07:16,749 --> 00:07:19,015
? He'll leave you with the fee ?
178
00:07:19,012 --> 00:07:21,413
? He'll sneak right
into Steve's room ?
179
00:07:21,409 --> 00:07:23,275
- ? And read his diary ?
- It's a blog!
180
00:07:23,272 --> 00:07:27,875
? No, we can't trust the
fish with our things ?
181
00:07:27,866 --> 00:07:28,998
Can't trust me?!
182
00:07:28,997 --> 00:07:30,663
This house would be a hovel without me.
183
00:07:30,661 --> 00:07:32,729
? Without me, who would swiffer? ?
184
00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:35,327
? Who'd spray the yard for tics? ?
185
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,454
? I'm the one who keeps the house ?
186
00:07:37,451 --> 00:07:39,051
? Don't need no help from Dick ?
187
00:07:39,049 --> 00:07:41,383
? I think that my experience ?
188
00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,179
? Makes me the perfect fit ?
189
00:07:43,177 --> 00:07:45,643
? I'll never take my eyes off him ?
190
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:47,540
? I'll watch him while I shit ?
191
00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:54,036
? 'Cause we can't trust
the fish with our things ?
192
00:07:54,027 --> 00:07:56,561
? No, we can't trust the fish ?
193
00:07:56,557 --> 00:08:01,294
? With our things ?
194
00:08:02,814 --> 00:08:04,013
[SONG ENDS]
195
00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:05,145
Well, our song is over,
196
00:08:05,144 --> 00:08:08,078
and all the other candidates
were blown away by the wind.
197
00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:09,139
You're hired, Dick.
198
00:08:09,138 --> 00:08:10,905
[WIND WHISTLING]
199
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,400
Here are the instructions on Klaus.
200
00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:16,596
- Don't deviate.
- Don't put Dick in charge.
201
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:18,794
Please, give me a chance
to regain your trust.
202
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,858
- Pleassssssse!
- Klaus, we just sang a whole song.
203
00:08:21,853 --> 00:08:24,454
When have you ever known
this family to change course
204
00:08:24,449 --> 00:08:26,182
after singing a song?
205
00:08:28,310 --> 00:08:29,710
[WIND WHISTLING]
206
00:08:32,503 --> 00:08:35,571
Ooh. Missed a spot.
207
00:08:35,566 --> 00:08:38,701
So, Klaus, tell me about yourself.
208
00:08:38,695 --> 00:08:40,561
What's your favorite season?
209
00:08:40,558 --> 00:08:43,693
Oh, I can't talk.
I'm just your run-of-the-mill,
210
00:08:43,687 --> 00:08:45,753
dumbass goldfish who doesn't even have
211
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:47,684
a human brain and needs a pet sitter.
212
00:08:47,681 --> 00:08:49,613
- Listen, this wasn't my...
- Bah-bah-bahhhh.
213
00:08:49,611 --> 00:08:52,213
I can't hear you. Bah-bahhhh.
214
00:08:53,405 --> 00:08:56,006
You're so stupid.
What are you even doing?
215
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,002
Having my mail forwarded
to this address.
216
00:08:57,999 --> 00:09:01,200
It's just easier since I'm
going to be here a few weeks
217
00:09:01,194 --> 00:09:02,661
Weeks?! [GROANS]
218
00:09:02,659 --> 00:09:04,525
Let's take a look at the rules.
219
00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:07,324
Says here you're not allowed
to touch the burners.
220
00:09:07,319 --> 00:09:10,053
What?! Let me see that.
I touch them to my liking.
221
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,780
Feed it twice a day.
222
00:09:11,778 --> 00:09:13,178
It?!
223
00:09:13,176 --> 00:09:14,575
Limit meals to breakfast
224
00:09:14,574 --> 00:09:16,908
and two shakes of fish flakes at night.
225
00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:17,904
Two shakes?!
226
00:09:17,902 --> 00:09:21,237
I eat a whole rotisserie
chicken every day!
227
00:09:21,231 --> 00:09:22,431
Wow. They don't treat you well.
228
00:09:22,430 --> 00:09:24,229
No wonder you're pissed at them.
229
00:09:24,227 --> 00:09:26,027
You know what? Forget the rules.
230
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,225
Want to get some food?
How do you feel about Wow Cow?
231
00:09:29,219 --> 00:09:30,819
I...
232
00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:32,216
Really like Wow Cow.
233
00:09:32,681 --> 00:09:35,148
I've seen how the family belittles you.
234
00:09:35,144 --> 00:09:36,743
They treat you like an outsider.
235
00:09:36,741 --> 00:09:40,143
You know, my ex-wife used to
make me feel like an outsider,
236
00:09:40,136 --> 00:09:41,469
even when I was insider.
237
00:09:41,468 --> 00:09:44,335
[LAUGHS] That's sad.
238
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:45,930
And then she left me.
239
00:09:45,928 --> 00:09:47,527
Your wife left you?
240
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:50,660
My wife left me, too,
for an entire bobsled team.
241
00:09:50,654 --> 00:09:54,022
Since then,
I've been desperate for connection.
242
00:09:54,016 --> 00:09:56,650
- I'd do...
- TOGETHER: Anything to fit in.
243
00:09:56,645 --> 00:09:59,312
[GASPS] You're pathetic
the same way I'm pathetic.
244
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:03,176
Klaus, you and I are two
fish in the same school.
245
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,169
You make me feel understood, Dick.
246
00:10:05,166 --> 00:10:08,100
A sensitive soul in a cruel world.
247
00:10:08,095 --> 00:10:11,364
Hey! Can I get
that [BLEEP] spoon I asked for?
248
00:10:11,365 --> 00:10:13,557
Ah, I shouldn't be hard on her.
249
00:10:13,554 --> 00:10:16,221
We're definitely leaving without paying.
250
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,482
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
251
00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:22,479
Who knew all we needed
was a fully staffed yacht
252
00:10:22,473 --> 00:10:26,209
with a 60-foot water
slide and a jazz quartet
253
00:10:26,202 --> 00:10:28,268
to feel like ourselves again.
254
00:10:28,264 --> 00:10:30,264
Got to give it to Roger
for hooking it up.
255
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:32,129
- Hey, where is Roger?
- ROGER: Hey, fam.
256
00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:33,258
I have great news.
257
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:34,857
I just scored in a trade,
258
00:10:34,855 --> 00:10:37,122
robbed these Somalian pirates blind.
259
00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:38,318
Wait, what?
260
00:10:38,318 --> 00:10:40,184
For our yacht, I got this incredible
261
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,915
oar boat,
a gift certificate for Sam Goody,
262
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,110
and a whole herd of cattle
that we have to pick up
263
00:10:45,107 --> 00:10:46,707
in the Galapagos later.
264
00:10:46,705 --> 00:10:48,104
You traded the yacht?
265
00:10:48,102 --> 00:10:49,102
Are you insane?!
266
00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:50,501
We have to be reasonable.
267
00:10:50,499 --> 00:10:52,299
The yacht is too big, it's too heavy.
268
00:10:52,297 --> 00:10:53,963
We got to travel light and skippy
269
00:10:53,961 --> 00:10:55,426
if we want to find the giant.
270
00:10:55,424 --> 00:10:58,159
Whoa, wait.
We're actually looking for a giant?
271
00:10:58,154 --> 00:11:00,754
- That's a myth.
- A myth you made up.
272
00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:02,150
Exactly. So if it's not
273
00:11:02,148 --> 00:11:03,814
a real myth, it must be true.
274
00:11:03,812 --> 00:11:06,146
Sorry, gang.
He's actually right about that.
275
00:11:06,142 --> 00:11:07,275
I don't care.
276
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,407
I'm entitled to a good vacation,
277
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:12,138
and I'm not leaving
this yacht for anything.
278
00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:13,599
[LAUGHING]
279
00:11:13,598 --> 00:11:15,064
[CHEERING]
280
00:11:15,062 --> 00:11:16,394
This is gonna be great.
281
00:11:16,393 --> 00:11:18,060
You're gonna lose so much weight rowing,
282
00:11:18,058 --> 00:11:20,459
and then you're gonna gain
it all back eating cattle.
283
00:11:20,455 --> 00:11:22,121
We're not gonna breed them or milk them.
284
00:11:22,119 --> 00:11:23,919
We're just gonna eat 'em all.
285
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,715
[WIND WHISTLING]
286
00:11:25,713 --> 00:11:29,048
I've had the best time
with you today, Dick.
287
00:11:29,041 --> 00:11:31,442
We've hit up all my favorite spots...
288
00:11:31,438 --> 00:11:34,972
Wow Cow,
the mechanical horse outside CVS,
289
00:11:34,966 --> 00:11:37,100
and now the Hallmark store?
290
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,629
Glad you're having fun.
291
00:11:38,628 --> 00:11:41,562
I got to mail this
"props on your new gig, slick"
292
00:11:41,556 --> 00:11:42,822
card to myself.
293
00:11:42,821 --> 00:11:44,821
- Be right back.
- No problem.
294
00:11:44,818 --> 00:11:47,419
- Psst. Klaus.
- Lewis?
295
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,814
How do you know that guy you're with?
296
00:11:48,812 --> 00:11:50,412
You mean, Dick? He's staying with me.
297
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,476
Dick is staying in your house?
298
00:11:52,473 --> 00:11:54,740
You have to get him out
before it's too late.
299
00:11:54,737 --> 00:11:55,870
Dick's a squatter!
300
00:11:55,869 --> 00:11:57,668
No way. Dick's my bro.
301
00:11:57,665 --> 00:11:59,932
Listen, a few months back,
I hired Dick to watch
302
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,796
my pet boa constrictor, T'Challa,
303
00:12:01,793 --> 00:12:03,259
while I was on vacation.
304
00:12:03,257 --> 00:12:05,191
Has Dick gotten any mail to your house?
305
00:12:05,189 --> 00:12:08,790
Not yet, but he did forward his mail.
306
00:12:08,783 --> 00:12:10,183
Why do you ask?
307
00:12:10,181 --> 00:12:12,981
Because once he establishes
residency with the post office
308
00:12:12,976 --> 00:12:14,709
and stays for at least a month,
309
00:12:14,707 --> 00:12:17,375
you can't get him out!
310
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,636
He tried to do that to me, but luckily,
311
00:12:19,633 --> 00:12:21,968
I had to cut my trip to
Hedonism II short due to
312
00:12:21,964 --> 00:12:25,365
a condition clinically known as
"gonorrhea mania."
313
00:12:25,358 --> 00:12:28,559
You mean,
Dick's going to steal our house?
314
00:12:28,554 --> 00:12:30,220
You still have time to stop him.
315
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,952
Oh, damn. I've got a job
interview at Orange Julius.
316
00:12:32,948 --> 00:12:35,815
I'm putting you down as a reference.
317
00:12:35,810 --> 00:12:37,343
- Ready to go?
- No.
318
00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:39,607
I just had a very disturbing run-in
319
00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:41,537
with principal Lewis.
320
00:12:41,534 --> 00:12:43,267
He told me everything.
321
00:12:43,265 --> 00:12:45,732
- Lewis? Who is Lewis?
- Shut up!
322
00:12:45,728 --> 00:12:49,596
I know you're a squatter and
you're trying to take our house.
323
00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:50,788
Maybe I am.
324
00:12:50,787 --> 00:12:52,921
But come on,
it's obvious from the family's rules
325
00:12:52,918 --> 00:12:54,717
that they don't even care about you.
326
00:12:54,715 --> 00:12:56,248
They call you "it".
327
00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:58,646
And you're gonna help them?
328
00:12:58,642 --> 00:13:00,575
No, I'm gonna help you.
329
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:03,040
I want in.
330
00:13:04,290 --> 00:13:06,234
- _
- Faster. Faster.
331
00:13:06,231 --> 00:13:08,164
We need to hustle if we're
going to find the giant.
332
00:13:08,161 --> 00:13:12,097
Dad! This is getting almost
as bad as Gettysburg.
333
00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:14,488
Screw this. I'm making a call.
334
00:13:14,485 --> 00:13:15,618
[BEEPS]
335
00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:18,814
We can't hover any longer.
336
00:13:18,812 --> 00:13:20,079
We got to turn back.
337
00:13:20,078 --> 00:13:22,344
Roger, last chance. Get on the chopper.
338
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:25,408
Can't. I got to find that giant!
339
00:13:25,402 --> 00:13:27,335
The giant's not real, you fool!
340
00:13:27,332 --> 00:13:29,532
That's what they said about Atlantis.
341
00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,730
And they were right!
342
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:34,261
Sorry? What was that last thing?
343
00:13:39,977 --> 00:13:42,849
Ah, nothing like being
at sea for a month
344
00:13:42,844 --> 00:13:44,910
to make my scurvy flare up.
345
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,841
Odd. My key doesn't work.
346
00:13:46,838 --> 00:13:48,437
Dick! Dick, can you give me a hand?
347
00:13:48,435 --> 00:13:49,767
My key isn't working.
348
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:52,166
I can't let you in, Stan.
349
00:13:52,162 --> 00:13:55,431
Oh, no, did Klaus screw up
the door from the inside?
350
00:13:55,425 --> 00:13:57,625
This isn't your house anymore.
351
00:13:57,621 --> 00:13:59,153
It's ours.
352
00:13:59,151 --> 00:14:01,752
Since you abandoned it
and took to the open sea
353
00:14:01,748 --> 00:14:04,483
for a month,
Dick and I established residency
354
00:14:04,478 --> 00:14:06,211
and took ownership.
355
00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:09,143
Maritime laws. Look it up.
356
00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:10,869
I will not.
357
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,201
Why are you doing this, Dick?
358
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,866
It's gonna be awkward at work.
359
00:14:13,864 --> 00:14:15,530
You got me fired!
360
00:14:15,528 --> 00:14:16,928
Oh, yeah.
361
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,257
Forget that. This is my house.
362
00:14:20,254 --> 00:14:24,791
And I'm getting in with a little
help from my friends, B and E.
363
00:14:25,912 --> 00:14:27,780
Aw, man,
I think I made it harder for us.
364
00:14:27,777 --> 00:14:28,842
[SIREN WAILS, TIRES SQUEAL]
365
00:14:28,842 --> 00:14:30,842
Thank God, the pigs!
366
00:14:31,475 --> 00:14:33,638
They're here for you.
367
00:14:33,635 --> 00:14:34,834
But it's my house!
368
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,566
Not according to maritime law, it isn't.
369
00:14:36,563 --> 00:14:37,829
What if I shoot them?
370
00:14:37,828 --> 00:14:39,561
I mean, it would still be their house.
371
00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:41,492
He's not gonna shoot you!
372
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,822
But you can shoot him,
373
00:14:42,821 --> 00:14:45,488
since he's trespassing on your property!
374
00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:46,750
KLAUS: Fair enough.
375
00:14:46,749 --> 00:14:48,548
[GUNFIRE]
376
00:14:48,546 --> 00:14:49,879
[TIRES SQUEAL]
377
00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:53,674
[WIND WHISTLING]
378
00:14:53,672 --> 00:14:55,272
Those bastards.
379
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:56,669
Not the cops. It was super cool of them
380
00:14:56,667 --> 00:14:58,733
to take my $10,000 bribe.
381
00:14:58,730 --> 00:14:59,930
That was your bail, Dad.
382
00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,262
This isn't over for you.
383
00:15:01,261 --> 00:15:03,593
Well, then,
screw them and Dick and Klaus.
384
00:15:03,589 --> 00:15:05,790
But how can we get the house back?
Take 'em to court?
385
00:15:05,787 --> 00:15:07,654
And read all that sea law?
386
00:15:07,651 --> 00:15:08,850
No thanks.
387
00:15:08,849 --> 00:15:11,049
Maybe we just have to face it.
388
00:15:11,046 --> 00:15:13,847
Klaus screwed us over
for good this time.
389
00:15:13,842 --> 00:15:15,442
We can't let Klaus win.
390
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,440
Hey, Steve, you got any thoughts?
391
00:15:17,437 --> 00:15:18,769
Yeah.
392
00:15:18,768 --> 00:15:22,103
Was the Candy Land Airbnb the
only one available, or...?
393
00:15:22,096 --> 00:15:24,763
No, there was also a house
with all beige carpeting.
394
00:15:24,759 --> 00:15:27,026
Would you have liked me
following you around all day?
395
00:15:27,022 --> 00:15:29,022
"Don't spill. Don't spill."
396
00:15:29,019 --> 00:15:31,186
[WIND WHISTLING]
397
00:15:32,946 --> 00:15:35,814
New rule, Klaus. There are no rules.
398
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,942
Yeah, eff that thing.
399
00:15:37,939 --> 00:15:40,540
I love being a homeowner.
400
00:15:41,134 --> 00:15:44,203
I don't think we should
take down the family photo.
401
00:15:44,197 --> 00:15:46,129
Why not? You don't still care
402
00:15:46,127 --> 00:15:47,660
about these jerks, do you?
403
00:15:47,658 --> 00:15:49,124
No way.
404
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,989
I'm just afraid your naked body
405
00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:53,387
doesn't match the color
scheme of the room.
406
00:15:53,384 --> 00:15:54,916
You're afraid of that?
407
00:15:54,914 --> 00:15:56,714
I'm not afraid of anything.
408
00:15:56,711 --> 00:15:59,112
Well, except g-g-g-ghosts.
409
00:16:00,106 --> 00:16:02,040
Look, I'm just gonna say it.
410
00:16:02,037 --> 00:16:05,272
The hula skirts are
cultural appropriation.
411
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:12,490
_
412
00:16:12,488 --> 00:16:15,556
FRANCINE: Stick to the rules,
but don't forget to have
413
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,083
some fun with Klaus from time to time.
414
00:16:18,079 --> 00:16:21,148
He loves Wow Cow and superhero movies.
415
00:16:21,143 --> 00:16:24,744
He goes nuts for the
mechanical horse at CVS.
416
00:16:24,737 --> 00:16:27,070
Oh, that horse is so badass.
417
00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:28,800
STAN:
Try to watch stuff with him downstairs
418
00:16:28,798 --> 00:16:30,197
so he doesn't get lonely at night.
419
00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:32,996
The downstairs TV sucks,
so don't watch cool stuff
420
00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:34,924
like "Avatar" and "Westworld" on it,
421
00:16:34,921 --> 00:16:36,788
but it's fine for "Impractical Jokers",
422
00:16:36,786 --> 00:16:38,719
which is all Klaus watches anyway.
423
00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:41,583
Wow. They really know me.
424
00:16:41,578 --> 00:16:45,380
Hey, Dick didn't tell me
the nice stuff they said.
425
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,372
That snaky bitch.
426
00:16:48,103 --> 00:16:53,673
Wait. Was that tiger
originally Tommy Lee Jones?
427
00:16:55,624 --> 00:16:57,891
[SEAGULLS CRYING]
428
00:17:00,110 --> 00:17:02,818
Tall Jeremy! My man!
429
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:06,282
Thanks for rescuing me.
You don't look so good.
430
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,141
I'm sick.
431
00:17:08,139 --> 00:17:10,039
[GROANS]
432
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,135
- [SNEEZES]
- [SEAGULLS SCREECH]
433
00:17:14,130 --> 00:17:17,465
Ohhh.
That's what's causing all the wind.
434
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:20,293
[SIGHS] I don't know.
435
00:17:21,785 --> 00:17:23,452
[BLOWS]
436
00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:24,582
[SQUEALS]
437
00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:26,048
[SLURPS]
438
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:27,712
Ow!
439
00:17:27,710 --> 00:17:30,977
Oh, soup's too hot to eat!
440
00:17:30,971 --> 00:17:34,172
I hate being sick.
441
00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:36,835
Hang in there, buckaroo.
You'll feel better soon.
442
00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:39,096
In the meantime,
could you maybe eat cold soup?
443
00:17:39,093 --> 00:17:42,294
The blowing is really doing a
number on our coastal cities.
444
00:17:42,288 --> 00:17:44,022
Cold soup? Nah.
445
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:46,820
I'll just go back to eating people.
446
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,147
That works. You can tell
447
00:17:48,145 --> 00:17:49,945
I'm not a people, right?
448
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,143
Of course. Can't everybody?
449
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,540
Great. So eat people, cover your mouth
450
00:17:54,536 --> 00:17:56,003
with that squid when you sneeze,
451
00:17:56,002 --> 00:17:59,003
and can you throw me about
a thousand miles that way?
452
00:17:58,997 --> 00:18:01,164
No problemo.
453
00:18:02,258 --> 00:18:03,324
[GRUNTS]
454
00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:05,691
ROGER: Gracias, amigo!
455
00:18:10,113 --> 00:18:12,314
You were right.
I have to get rid of Dick.
456
00:18:12,310 --> 00:18:14,910
But it's too late.
He already has squatter's rights.
457
00:18:14,906 --> 00:18:18,642
There must be some way to
get him out of the house.
458
00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:20,435
Maybe you could scare him out.
459
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:22,432
How? He's not afraid of anything.
460
00:18:22,429 --> 00:18:25,496
We went to that trampoline park,
and he barely even looked at
461
00:18:25,491 --> 00:18:27,091
the waiver before signing it.
462
00:18:27,089 --> 00:18:31,091
Oh, and he uses
the bathroom at the beach.
463
00:18:31,083 --> 00:18:32,349
He's fearless!
464
00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:35,682
[GASPS] Oh, no, he's not.
465
00:18:39,270 --> 00:18:42,671
[CHAINS RATTLING, GROWLING]
466
00:18:42,665 --> 00:18:44,198
He-hello?
467
00:18:44,196 --> 00:18:45,862
VOICE: Dick...
468
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:49,262
I've come for you.
469
00:18:49,255 --> 00:18:50,722
A ghost!
470
00:18:50,721 --> 00:18:53,654
Are you the spirit of the old
woman whose condo I stole?
471
00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:56,784
No, I'm a generic ghost.
472
00:18:56,778 --> 00:18:58,845
[SCREAMS]
473
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:01,638
Whoa, that was fast.
474
00:19:01,637 --> 00:19:03,170
We didn't even get to
do the bleeding walls
475
00:19:03,168 --> 00:19:04,735
or the fake satanic ritual.
476
00:19:05,764 --> 00:19:07,764
Tuttle, you can come out now.
477
00:19:07,761 --> 00:19:09,494
It's already over?
478
00:19:09,492 --> 00:19:10,824
Yeah. Sorry, man.
479
00:19:10,823 --> 00:19:13,158
Is that what you think
a ghost looks like?
480
00:19:15,684 --> 00:19:17,616
- [BEEP]
- Hey, this is Chris Pratt.
481
00:19:17,613 --> 00:19:19,080
Nah, I'm just playin'.
482
00:19:19,078 --> 00:19:20,878
It's Stan. Leave a message after the...
483
00:19:20,876 --> 00:19:22,475
- [BEEP]
- [CHUCKLES]
484
00:19:22,473 --> 00:19:24,206
Oh, that was good, Stan.
485
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,737
I needed that laugh.
486
00:19:25,735 --> 00:19:28,802
It's been rough lately,
stealing the house from you and all.
487
00:19:28,796 --> 00:19:31,464
Anyhoo, I've got a big surprise for you.
488
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:33,260
Meet me at the house.
489
00:19:33,257 --> 00:19:35,057
You're gonna be thrilled.
490
00:19:35,055 --> 00:19:36,387
Kay, bye.
491
00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:40,587
Whew. Dick's gone,
and now I'm gonna get my family back.
492
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:41,979
Well done, me.
493
00:19:43,442 --> 00:19:44,775
[GASPS]
494
00:19:49,899 --> 00:19:52,233
Whew.
That could have gotten out of hand.
495
00:19:52,229 --> 00:19:54,229
[BLOWS]
496
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:57,360
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No!
497
00:19:57,354 --> 00:19:59,054
Shit.
498
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:03,548
[CAR DOORS CLOSING]
499
00:20:03,545 --> 00:20:06,079
What the [BLEEP] did you do?!
500
00:20:06,075 --> 00:20:07,475
I got rid of Dick!
501
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,274
And I saved the family photo.
502
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:11,868
You burned down the house!
503
00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:16,402
Yes, but what I learned is,
it's not about the house.
504
00:20:16,393 --> 00:20:19,194
It's the people who make a home.
505
00:20:19,189 --> 00:20:20,455
- The carpenters?
- No.
506
00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:22,120
- The architect.
- No.
507
00:20:22,118 --> 00:20:24,252
- Contractors?
- No.
508
00:20:24,248 --> 00:20:25,647
What are you talking about?!
509
00:20:25,646 --> 00:20:27,246
Let me explain another way.
510
00:20:27,244 --> 00:20:28,777
It's like this photo.
511
00:20:28,775 --> 00:20:31,108
The house is the frame,
which isn't important.
512
00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:34,705
You get me? But you guys
are the people in the photo.
513
00:20:34,698 --> 00:20:36,365
ALL: No shit!
514
00:20:36,363 --> 00:20:37,963
[GRUNTING]
515
00:20:37,961 --> 00:20:39,360
The giant was real!
516
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:40,691
And he's got a hell of an arm.
517
00:20:40,690 --> 00:20:42,624
Damn, you gave Klaus a babysitter
518
00:20:42,621 --> 00:20:44,621
and he still burned down the house?
519
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:46,885
Come on, Jeff, let's do it in the ashes.
520
00:20:46,881 --> 00:20:49,481
Babe, you are such a little freak.
521
00:20:49,477 --> 00:20:51,878
Whoa that's got to be
tough to hear, Stan.
522
00:20:51,874 --> 00:20:56,377
Why's that?
Should I be upset my daughter pulls ass?
523
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,967
Have a great night!
524
00:20:59,017 --> 00:21:03,567
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