Original subtitles

The twin

The leather of my Cadillac 58 was now under old Alexandre's butt.

His younger brother would enjoy my one-bedroomed flat for free.

Aunt Olga was right,

you should never bet on your own bed.

I wasn't worth much in 'exchange and mart'.

It wasn't the first time I would have to cross the wilderness

hoping to bounce back just like my cheques.

So I found myself forced to holiday

on the most azure cote d'azur with friend Ralph,

the schmuck on my left arm,

and his wife, Marie, my bed-fellow when her husband was away.

Marie, the minx pinching my other arm.

Have a great time!

Once you've made your choice, snog her for me.

It all began quite innocently.

That day, Ralph and Marie had been invited to a party

and decided not to leave young Matthias at home.

May I?

Here.

You know, you're a nice mover.

Yes, I know.

Go get me a drink.

Same again.

Which is?

Long glass, two ice cubes, vodka to taste.

And a big wet kiss.

Subito.

- Liz? - T think he'll fit the bill.

I only drink water.

- You're overdressed. - Going home to change.

Want to come?

We'll choose the colour of my trunks together.

Why not?

It was the first time I'd stolen two bikes instead of one.

Aunt Olga always said,

"you're gemini for a reason.”

Now you're overdressed.

If I pull the string what do I win?

Introductions: My name's duval. Matthias duval.

Liz kerner.

Do you live in antibes?

No, we've got a little old pile in cap ferrat.

Good fun, cap ferrat.

It's dull.

- Who's we? - What?

You said we have a little old mansion in cap feer-ra.

Oh, me and my sister.

I hope she's as pretty as you.

Probably. We're twins.

She'd hooked me with that!

It was one of my standard chat-up lines but I had never before...

Twins?

- What? - Does that bother you?

No, not at all. It's just a coincidence.

- What kind of coincidence? - T have a brother.

- I'm a twin, too. - Really?

Absolutely. I have a brother.

Matthieu. A carbon copy.

Why did I say that?

It came out of nowhere.

Just an innocent little lie. Nothing more.

I had no idea where it would lead.

Why did I say that?

I could smell her all night on the pillow.

- Why are you so mean? - Ralph might come to...?

Forget Ralph, he'll come to nothing as usual.

You've no idea how it's changed me.

Working here. I don't feel like a lawyer.

I know, I know.

Hello.

I'll pass him over.

- It's her. - Her?

Take me for a fool?

Would you make me a little coffee?

Hello.

- Who's that? - My hostess.

- She sounds like a whore. - Good analysis.

I'm calling to invite you to a little party.

Oh, when?

Tomorrow, around eight o'clock.

Yes, yes... I see.

Don't overdress.

- She sounds like a whore. - She said you had a sweet voice.

Now you're overdressed.

I wonder what's under that.

Oh, there you are.

This is the riffraff I told you about.

- You're the sister. - You've got it.

Truly amazing.

I thought you had a twin too.

Yes, yes, of course.

But I've never met a twin who was such a twin.

- I'm Matthias duval. - Betty kerner.

A glass of moét et chandon.

So these are the ice-cream cornet castles aunt Olga told me about.

The sweet smell of wealth.

Not dosh, not dough.

Moneyed money. Dubious money.

I've always dreamed of getting a taste of it.

Mother, breton, father, bostonian, old France, new england.

And you... which one are you?

Liz.

I inherited from both.

- And your sister? - Betty?

- Oh, she... - I'm completely bilingual.

Was it you who organised this funereal evening?

It's diplomatic, we want to sell. To the texan.

- It's beautiful. - We don't want to live here.

- It was our parents'. - What? You're orphans?

Since 31 December.

- Liz. - Betty.

- Would I like to meet him? - Sorry?

Your brother.

My brother? Oh, matthieu.

I'm sure you'd get along fine with...

Old matthieu.

He's matthieu and you're Matthias?

Matthias, that was the apostle who replaced Judas at Jesus's side.

Having fun with my sister?

She seems to love the story of Judas.

Not just Judas.

Who won?

Good evening. Maybe see you again soon.

Why not come over one evening?

And bring your brother.

Why not?

Why not?

Shall we go upstairs and screw?

What a great party.

Every Wednesday my little business took me to Paris.

Ralph too.

I chose this day because he did

as he couldn't resist paying for my ticket.

You're so very nice to Marie.

Arrival of the air inter flight 537 from nice, cote d'azur...

My firm, crazy joker,

specialised in greetings cards in the very best taste.

After all, I wrote the copy myself

after commissioning avaricious illustrators,

greedy printers

and amnesiac distributors.

In short, money was no object, literally, on either side.

- Well, I never. - How are you?

I bought you something.

Hello, it's Charlie. You bastard, you jerk, I saw you...

Aunt Olga, I won't kiss you today. I may have caught a cold.

- Business of the day. - Yes, sir.

Surprise, surprise, bills.

Office rent.

Social security.

Fire insurance.

Bergman opticians.

Your hew contact lenses.

It's been a year.

Nol

No, sir, not that one.

You know very well.

How exposed am I?

Not far off being indecent!

- So you're back, son of a bitch! - Did I go away?

- You did for those you owe 100. - For an dodgy illustration!

I'll skin your arse!

You wouldn't hit a coward with glasses.

Forget it!

Pay me or I'll help myself.

Hurry up!

- 50 now. 25 Monday, the rest... - 80 now.

- 75. - Don't move and sign.

I'll be as good as your cheque.

I found what you wanted. 1 January.

- Any particular page? - Obituaries.

There.

"Albert g. Kerner and Elizabeth kerner

die in an unforeseeable accident.

The famous Boston financier and his French wife

killed in an unfortunate road accident.

They leave two daughters, Elizabeth and Elisabeth."

What?

"Mr kerner headed up a considerable fortune,

world's third paper pulp supplier, television..."

You must be Betty.

No. But you must be matthieu.

Exactly so.

Gaffe, matthieu. You've never seen this woman.

Careful...

- Thank you. - Of the step.

You've never seen these steps.

Nor this house.

It's nice here. Matthias said you're selling.

Sorry, we've already got a buyer.

Exactly so.

Excuse me.

I simply put on my jamjar specs

and was at once transformed into someone else.

A different person.

Someone polite, prudent, shy, nice.

In short, he was no dreamboat, this brother.

What was I thinking of inventing someone like him?

On hire

- Sir. - Hi.

Well, hello.

I can't be mistaken this time. You are Betty.

- And you're matthieu. - Exactly so.

You don't look very like your brother.

But you look very like your sister.

She's prettier than me.

Poppycock! You are stunning.

I think we should... I've booked for eight o'clock exactly.

Exactly so.

- Have fun. Good evening. - Bye.

- But... she... - No, she's off.

Liz comes and Liz goes.

Free, liberated, emancipated.

- Shall we? - Let's go.

It's charming.

I've not been here before.

Nor me. Er... I never tire of this place. It's intimate.

How very true.

Exactly so.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Thank you.

My pleasure.

There!

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Sir, madam. - Good evening. Just water.

Won't you raise a glass with me?

Just one glass because the second... So this one.

- That one. - Very good, sir.

- The same as the lady. - Very good, sir.

I don't smoke, thank you. No, I...

I believe you and your brother work together.

Exactly so.

I'm... we're... in publishing. The first three days.

Matthias is in publishing too. The other three days.

It's...

Such authority!

Wondering what I'm doing, aunt Olga?

Well, I admit...

I've always dreamt of screwing twins.

Rich and orphaned.

- Publishing. Books? - Sadly not.

- Please. - Excuse me.

No, we edit postcards, well, greetings cards.

Things like unicef cards.

- Pompidou centre reproductions. - Fascinating.

Excuse me.

- That's it. - Thank you.

Do you write the copy yourself?

Yes... no, no, we have a team of professionals who...

- Oh. - Why "oh"?

Oh, I write, too.

You do?

Tactfulness is always punished.

I had no choice. I cajoled her to recite one of her crap pieces.

Really?

Only at the end of the meal.

While I travelling in the east I composed some haikus.

- Sorry? - Short Japanese poems.

You know, seven, five, seven.

Exactly so. Seven, five, seven. Exactly.

- Are you sure...? - I'm dying to hear it.

Forgive the persecutor who is unaware

he is still in the veils of Maya

love is always free

Autumn now.

You are my likeness, word for word.

Magnificent.

Magnificent.

I've made you some coffee.

Which one is she?

Who am I?

Want your specs?

Oh, a clue! Specs mean matthieu.

"Honey" means Betty.

Are you hung-over?

Hung over a ravine, with a spike boring into my brain.

Sorry?

A migraine from alcohol abuse.

The only cure I know for migraine is massage.

- You don't hold your alcohol. - Exactly so.

You look more like your brother without specs.

You're really handsome.

It's the only effective cure.

Not in dad's bed.

- You understand? - Of course, but...

But... last night, didn't we...?

Don't you remember?

Of course... I remember you.

But I don't remember where.

Silly thing.

In the entrance hall.

On the staircase.

In the bathroom.

And in the pool room.

What a strange idea.

That's where you promised me...

- What did I promise? - That's our secret.

Hang on. We have a secret?

- In the pool room... - Yes.

- I asked you a question. - Exactly so.

And you said yes.

I said yes?

I asked you to marry me.

- And what was my answer? - You said, "yes, my love."

- And we're engaged. - Engaged?

If Liz comes back, don't tell her.

- Why not? - Because then it's not a secret.

- I'm off to do my three days. - Come back soon.

Don't forget.

You're kidding! Engaged to 80 per cent of the world's paper pulp!

To seven television stations.

To a pyramid of dollars.

Matthieu was engaged.

He'd have to prove he existed.

- Hi, is that Liz? - No, it's Betty.

Good morning, this is Matthias duval.

My brother there?

Matthieu? You've just missed him.

He's just gone off in a taxi.

Shit!

I mean sorry. Is Liz there?

- Not at the moment. - I'll call her later.

I'm Liz kerner.

- What?! - Is Matthias here?

What a mess!

Swap?

You, 'playboy' inside page, out of here.

The chamber of delights is shut. That's the way out.

- You've found your way back. - Let me introduce...

Mariel!

- Were you passing by? - I ride at your neighbour's.

Beat it!

What about Ralph?

- Forget Ralph. - Marie, I...

Shut up. Out. Go!

Come on, Liz, I know when I'm not wanted.

Oh, Matthias.

Any plans?

A few.

Swelter in Paris, do the bogart festival yet again.

And after 'to have and not have'?

I'll camp in my office.

Your apartment burned down?

I lost. Playing... I mean I won a tenant.

When matthieu came back from Canada, he had nowhere to stay.

- I don't give shit. - He's my brother.

Not mine.

- Stay with us. - Do I sleep with the staff?

No, you'd be too far away from me.

I like having you to hand.

You're better than the others.

I should have got on the first plane,

rushed to the office and jumped into my sleeping bag.

Carrying on with this twin scam was anything but reasonable.

Truth is, there's nowhere I'd rather have been.

Aunt Olga repeatedly said, "get out, Matthias.

Quit while you're ahead.”

But I've never been able to stop before getting caught.

I owe it all to my brother.

While he was taking the viva exam for me,

I was cheating on him with the love of his life.

Did you pass?

Yes, with a good grade.

Are you always the baddie?

Wherever there's a good guy, there's a bad guy.

And the good guy...

Coming?

As I'd imagined, Betty was a pain with her puppy-dog eyes.

I had given her Ralph and Marie's number in Paris

knowing that no one would pick up.

Every half hour she tried to contact matthieu.

Obviously, in vain.

I said she could call her fiancé first thing tomorrow at the office.

- Hello. Matthias duval. - Yes.

It's the jerk.

Which jerk would that be?

- Matthias, I'm watching TV. - What's on?

A love story. You wouldn't understand.

A woman will call in the morning asking for my brother.

- Your brother? - Matthieu.

Matthieu?

- Say he's at unicef head office. - What?

Or the Pompidou centre. She'll understand.

Lucky her. Can you spell "Pompidou"?

- I haven't time. - What should this matthieu do?

- Call her back. - More stupidity.

- A little white lie for love. - You've no idea.

He's a long time, the jerk.

I'll hang up now. The boss has spoken.

I'll do my best to lie.

What was to happen, happened. Betty called matthieu.

He called her back from the beach.

- Oh, matthieu. - Oh, Betty.

Oh, matthieu. Roll on Thursday.

Don't forget our secret

or your birth certificate.

I won't forget, my love. That's all I think of.

We're going to be together for three days

and three nights.

That left the other nights for Liz

who, I should say, was far from unskilled.

I was delighted to take the plane on Wednesday morning

for a day's break at the office.

- Bye, Liz. - T like a man...

Wwho is away

half the week.

I bet you do.

Ernest.

I think you can draw up the contract.

It led me to a new greeting.

"Christmas comes but once a year. I'm glad you can do better."

There's a certain mr volpinex, to see you, mr duval.

You and your brother, matthieu.

1... 1...

I take it I'm talking to mr Matthias duval.

Exactly so.

I'm Ernest volpinex.

How do you do.

I'm the lawyer in charge of the kerner estate.

May I?

By all means.

Apart from the greetings cards what do you...?

Why "Liz Taylor is not rich"?

Because times are hard.

And why "my tailor is not Richard Burton?"

Don't worry about it, it's humour.

"If you want to see Brussels, press here."

Very funny.

Shall I wrap it up for you?

We've been neighbours, you know.

Shit. It's the guy from the party.

I have a house with some horses near antibes.

You must have seen me from your friends' house.

The party where I met Liz.

May I smoke?

You can fry.

Be my guest.

- May I? - No, no.

Not that one because...

Thank you.

You were staying at the mincks...

Oh!

A very good lawyer.

You were the guest of Marie minck or rather the mincks.

- Your brother, matthieu was... - Abroad. In Canada.

Shall I type out my statement in triplicate?

I don't really know what you want, Mr...

Volpinex. I think I gave you my card.

What do you want me to give you?

It's very simple, an assurance neither you nor your brother.

Are fortune hunters.

Mr volpinex, stop your subscription to figaro magazine.

90 per cent of the time it gives rise to preconceived ideas.

If I read that stuff, by now I'd have broken you in two, Mr...

Like this?

Black hakama in aikido, zen archery,

seventh Dan in karate.

Well, of course, then... then...

As the kerner sisters recently lost their parents

they're fragile and who knows...

But we're there.

My brother and me.

Of course, in a sense, you're a small business owner.

Thank you, comrade.

Very funny.

Your company can reasonably support one brother.

Two would die of starvation.

I get it.

- You're after her too. - Excuse me?

Which one? Liz? Betty?

Duval,

I assure you I shall do everything in my considerable power

to remove these two young women from you and your brother's grasp.

Great homage to the photo-story, Mr...

Volpinex.

Two before each meal. Leave off alcohol and women.

Don't exceed the prescribed dose, call me if no improvement. Goodbye.

Don't raise your hopes from your short stay at the kerners.

We'll meet again.

I don't need anyone. There are no vacancies here.

I know. I should have turned you over sooner,

but some things a woman shouldn't see.

You can stuff the bounced cheque.

I'd borrowed 200 from Betty for matthieu

saying he'd given all his savings to a pacifist movement.

I haven't even finished lying when she gave me 300.

Once I've killed everyone you want killed,

what do I do with the bodies?

Remember the poster with a dollar that was an optical illusion?

Yeah.

- It looked so real, Charlie. - That we nearly ended up in gaol.

- Such talent, Charlie. - But nearly gaol.

And I was never paid.

Listen! Mother-in-law's birthday special.

"Don't like your age? Choose another."

- I draw? - A blank birth certificate.

Blank?

Here, take mine.

Same signatures. Take care with the mayor's stamp.

They just fill it in and can be 20 again.

- Don't like your age...? - Choose another.

So the mother-in-laws can...

- I get paid when? - On delivery.

- You'll have it this evening. 50. - Charlie!

They don't even make that on the game.

Ari =

- 30 at the end of the month. - T'll take the 25 now.

Charlie turned up that evening with a false certificate

that was almost as credible as the real one.

Ifilled in my own birth certificate.

Matthias 7:27, matthieu... 7:39.

Patience, matthieu.

Life is on its way.

Slowly, but it's on its way.

Matthieu!

Now matthieu was alive,

life would be like tumbling down a honey slide

ohn an Armenian dessert.

And strangely Matthias found himself envying matthieu.

- Look, there's Liz. - What?

The bitch, she'd donned her sexy bikini

and strangely matthieu found himself envying Matthias.

It's the black prince. So that's where she spent the weekend.

They'll be mad when they know we're married.

Exactly so.

I'll come to Paris with you on Sunday.

Don't you like it here?

Who will I be next Wednesday?

- Who will you be next Wednesday? - Mrs matthieu duval.

I've arranged everything.

Isn't it wonderful?

Fabulous.

Let's go to Paris. Then Liz can be alone with Matthias.

Fabulous.

Fabulous.

How was Matthias to spend three days here with Liz

while matthieu went to Paris to marry Betty?

For the first time I really wished I was a twin.

He must ask for matthieu. Not your mother, your father. It's urgent.

What is this idiot doing?

What is he doing?

Anyway it's better like this.

The twin scam would have burnt out one day anyway.

To hell with wealth!

- Just a moment. Matthieu, for you. - For me? Who is it?

- Who's speaking? - Leave it!

I'll take it.

- That you, Matthias? - Oh, Matthias. It's Matthias.

The brat said call 'matthieu'.

- It's my fault. - But he got the number right.

- It's outrageous. - Something wrong?

I'm sorry to hear that.

What is it?

Sorry to hear what? Are you feeling okay, Matthias?

- Who knows with the dollar rising. - Yes.

- You wanted me to call? - Not at all. But I'm listening.

Oh, I get it. You can't talk.

Exactly so.

- You've got a chick next to you. - It's up to you.

Snog her for me.

What shall I do now? Hang up?

It goes without saying.

No, I came back from Canada to help you, Matthias... yes.

I'm listening. Speak up because I... Yes, yes.

Well... okay I understand.

Okay. So see you on Wednesday.

Ciao.

- What's happened? - That was Matthias.

Yes, I know, but...

Tax problem.

That's more his area, so he'll be tied up this week.

- Liz will be disappointed. - Not just Liz.

Poor Matthias.

I'd have liked him to be our best man.

Betty saw to everything

she took me through the looking glass.

Like a shy virgin I spent my wedding

in a state of growing stupefaction.

Matthieu duval was reasonable, well bred, intelligent,

in short, a pain in the butt.

Betty, darling, why the hurry?

If I was the sexiest bachelor she'd ever met,

this country was going through a bad patch.

I knew full well why I was marrying her,

but why she me?

Was she hiding something?

Yes.

In the name of the law, I declare you...

Elisabeth kerner had become mrs matthieu duval

in less than 48 hours.

A young girl's dream, no doubt?

If not, Betty,

then why, why the hurry?

"T'm not too old to cut the mustard

but I can no longer find the sausage."

The day after my wedding...

Sign, darling. One day all that is mine will be yours.

No hurry. When is "one day"?

No need to do lift a finger. They are at your command.

- Sir, the papers. - Thank you.

Good morning, sir.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Er...? - Tt's Liz.

You're making yourself at home here.

You'll soon be grazing your sheep on our front lawn.

The sponge is behind you.

Does Betty know or not know you're...

That I'm in Paris? No, Betty does not know.

I've come to surprise Matthias in his lair.

I called your secretary four times.

She said he wasn't back from lunch.

France is absorbed in digestion. Four hours for lunch?

What about you? When are you going back to work?

Work on my honeymoon?

Betty wouldn't want me to give away our secret.

Matthias and I are a little at odds.

At odds?

- In business... what should I say? - Say!

He's has no ethics.

Ethics in business!

You really are a one-off!

You should bequeath your body to the institute.

Still at the restaurant at this time!

How many desserts does he have?

Tell him I'm on my way.

It's...

Oh, it's you. Tell Carlos to fix me a drink.

No, I'll do it.

A long glass, two ice cubes, vodka to taste.

The wet kiss is for the other one.

Line 1, 2206. Line 2, 2207.

Two-two-zero-seven.

Vodka.

Don't hang up.

I'm talking to my tailor. Take the call on the other phone.

For the sleeves, for the, for the...

The kerner residence.

Liz, are you in Paris?

Oh, it's you. How many sweets have you had?

You're my sweet.

I have to see you. Shall we meet this evening?

That's tricky, Princess.

You got a date?

What can I do? Her father is thinking of investing 50,000.

That's what I like about you, you don't bother lying.

11:30pm, my place.

Tight for a cuddle, but okay.

Want to talk to your brother?

Matthieu's there?

See you this evening.

- Your brother's on the line. - Oh, oh, but...

Got it.

Hello.

No, Matthias, don't involve me in...

Exactly so.

Grossly tampering with the accounts.

No, you have no ethics!

E-t-h-i...

Oh, heavens!

Oh, I forgot the ice.

She's resistant, this heiress.

Kiss me, darling.

Coming, sweetheart.

And that's the sweetheart.

Instructions said one capsule. But the sandman needed a spadeful.

Right.

I can't go on having it both ways.

One of them has to go.

I dropped two lines into the water and matthieu got the big fish.

Matthias, you have to stop fishing. You're more fun than matthieu but...

He landed the fish first.

See you soon, mrs matthieu duval.

I'll go and split up with Liz.

No tenderness.

- Right on the dot. - Who'd keep a pretty woman waiting?

You want to split up?

What do you want, Liz? We've screwed four or five times,

lit sixty cigarettes, exchanged a hundred insults.

All good things come to an end.

I have something else for you.

We can deal with that in bed now, then call when we feel down.

Is that all you ever think of?

I don't think any more

but when I do, that's what I think of.

Are you sure you won't read it?

I read a book once. It did nothing for me. I'll go.

Won't you take a look? You'll like what you see.

What is it?

A marriage proposal.

Both of them?

Betty, yesterday. Today...

I know I get on okay with the ladies,

but even so.

But why me? Why not the bloke on the trombone?

- You're the ideal guy for the job. - Why?

You're broke, easy to live with and presentable.

- Who says I'm single? - I'm well informed.

By the guy who drew up this contract

volpinex doesn't rate me or my chances.

400 dollars a month to be your husband.

I told him 4,000.

That okay now? 4,000.

Let's see. Article 1, sexual freedom for the wife and husband.

Everything's covered. Divorce...

Nothing's been omitted.

My death, yours, and in both cases goodbye to the 4,000

and farewell, Matthias.

No, Liz, we've not done enough time together.

I won't ask you again.

I don't love you.

Who cares. I'm talking business. 4,000 dollars.

What do you take me for?

Bye!

That was all that was missing, rain.

Shit!

She'd already signed the damn contract.

Matthias! You have two minutes to give me an answer.

What's the catch? What's this all about?

If I'm single at the end of the year I lose three million dollars.

- Taxes? - Yes, but, how should I put it?

- Our father wanted us married. - What about Betty?

- What about her? - Must she marry too?

Leave Betty out of it.

I just want to get the whole picture.

I don't give a shit. You've got one minute.

Then the offer is off the table.

Betty was tender but she must have the same deadline as Liz.

I getit. A forced marriage, old boy.

Matthias!

Hurry up! I don't want a wet husband.

Matthias has gone. Matthias is ho more!

4.000 dollars. Is it yes or no?

It's shit! Wait, wait, wait.

4,000 dollars a month for five years.

For five years.

That makes 240,000 dollars.

And it goes up.

Wait, at 15 percent, compound interest... don't move.

Yes, that makes 482,725. 72 dollars.

See why I can't say no?

You're like all the rest.

You don't want much.

No, you want it all.

There was no tiring Betty.

You're almost as good as a fiancé as you are as a lover.

And as a husband?

Don't rush it, Matthias.

Matthias? Shit!

It wasn't Betty, but Liz.

It all came flooding back to me.

I'd signed the damn contract, she'd ordered champagne

and more champagne.

We took a taxi, climbed the stairs.

This bed and this woman, this woman and...

And all the time I kept saying to myself I have to go

and I had dozed off.

Dozy idiot. What an idiot!

Something wrong?

I have to go. See you later.

That's what I love about you: Your romantic side.

I'll see you on the other side.

- Is that you? - How's my sweetheart?

- I have such a headache. - Don't move, I'll get some aspirin.

- What on earth are you doing? - I'm coming, darling.

Here you are, sweetheart.

- Why does my head hurt so much? - The champagne.

I think you were right. It tasted strange.

Who knows what they mix it with! Drink this.

Have a sleep. I have to go.

Come here.

- You've made me greedy, you know. - I know, I know.

Come on. Have a little sleep. Good for your headache.

My love.

I have to go. See you later.

What?

Tell me in a minute.

Oh my!

Got to go.

- When are you getting dressed? - Want a shower. See you.

- Feeling better? - Tell you... later.

Matthieu starkers here, Matthias there. One...

Get Matthias out of the shower. Two...

Park matthieu, get Matthias dressed. Three. Matthias sneaks past matthieu

who jumps in a car to meet his loved one. Easy.

Talking to yourself?

- I'm going to take a shower. - Here.

- What is it? - Your glasses.

Lenses plus glasses.

You must be very dirty.

For 4,000 dollars a month you're entitled to me clean.

Breakfast?

No, I'm off. I don't want to bump into matthieu.

Where will you be today?

Hard to say. I'll call you.

I wonder what I'd have done if you hadn't signed.

Fallen in love with me.

Don't forget your blood test.

- Matthieu. My love. - Yes, my sweetheart.

I'm coming, my sweetheart. I'm coming.

Just taking a shower and I'll be there.

Sod it!

You must be very dirty.

I'm not rich, so I'd better be clean.

- I'm going. Business meeting. - Nothing serious?

- Little money problem. - Off you go, darling.

Bigamy. Penal code article 340. Six months to three years.

Bigamy.

What can I do, Olga?

One pair becoming three of a kind, giving us a straight suit

and hitting the jackpot.

4,000 dollars a month for five years.

How greedy!

Wasn't matthieu's share enough?

I have to get rid of the brother. I'll put him on ice.

Just until I've got another ration of the big money.

- Volpinex phoned. - Shit.

And the results of your second blood test this week.

I hope you're not ill.

Shit!

Charlie left a message:

"Did you like the birth certificate?"

I loved it to death!

- I have to say... - Leave me be. Shit!

Hi, Olga.

Get out of here, matthieu.

You can't take the baccalaureate for me now.

I know it's sheer madness marrying the other one.

Matthieu has to go. He has to go, back where he came from.

To Canada.

To Canada. Canada!

Did you call?

- What's wrong? - I'll explain. Get me a taxi.

- No, I want to... - Shit! A taxi!

Hello.

Oh, Matthias!

It's a while since we heard from youl!

Could you do a bit of research for me? Discreetly.

Problems?

Not really.

I'm getting married.

Matthieu? Matthieu!

- Matthias? - Betty, isn't he here?

No.

Oh, shit. Sorry, Betty.

What's wrong?

- An accident? - Worse.

I won't let you go without...

Don't ask me any questions, Betty. You won't like the answer.

- Don't tell me that... - Yes.

No.

Another woman?

Don't judge him too harshly.

He met her at a fourierist community in Montreal.

What?

A phalanstery, you know.

She's in hospital. Attempted suicide.

She's asking for him.

- Perhaps he could write to her? - Where?

In Montreal.

She can't now... She can no longer read.

She drove her car off the first storey.

There's a risk she'll never see again.

- Could he call her? - No, you see...

Where is matthieu?

We had a row this morning and he left furious.

Professor claudon called an hour ago from there.

She says she'll do it again if he doesn't come back.

To marry her?

Oh, no. Matthieu won't ever marry.

She just wants to see him.

Oh, I have to let him know.

No! T have to do it.

Betty, the best thing would be...

For him to go there.

Thank you.

I'll leave for Canada with him tomorrow.

No...

Wait...

No.

- Sure you won't come? - Let's not go over that, darling.

I spoke with your brother. You have to go alone.

Yes, it's perhaps best.

I wouldn't love you if you weren't so generous natured.

Goodbye, Betty.

Come back soon.

Flight to Montreal and Toronto, air France...

"The suicidal woman in Montreal' with Betty was child's play.

Miniature golf.

It's duval.

No, Matthias.

Liz there?

Oh, is that you?

How's my little pigeon?

My dove. And this evening?

- Got a dinner jacket? - No, but matthieu has.

- I'll take you to the opera. - Pity.

What the hell are you doing?

I'll explain.

How's your brother?

He's worried about us both, thanks.

- What to do think of it? - What?

- The opera. - Loud.

Tell me, my betrothed, when will we marry?

I'm the one who decides. Article 1.

What shall we do now?

Do what you want. I'm going out.

Wait. Are you serious?

Have I ever lied to you?

Re-read your contract.

Yes, I know. Article 7. Sexual non-exclusivity.

- Good evening. - Who let you in?

No one. I have my key.

Your key?

Liz had it cut for me.

You can't just barge in to others' houses.

Or in to others' lives, in to others' plans.

You'll always be there, volpinex.

You'll for ever be the man in black. You'll never die.

The proof is you pop up in film after film.

Take a seat while you're here.

Unless you're leaving immediately!

It's your departure I'd like to talk about.

I'm fine here.

No, I was thinking about a different type of departure.

Something more permanent.

Ernest, I'm marrying Liz.

I'll be part of the family, cuddles.

Duval, your family belongs to this inferior species.

There's everything a man on his own needs here.

Out, belphegor.

Some days you could kill.

Good evening.

Oh, Betty.

All alone?

Liz is in a meeting with her lawyer.

Liz sometimes lacks judgement.

Good news from Canada?

Yes, matthieu called me from there. He's at her bedside.

- And how is she? - Better, I believe.

He couldn't talk for long.

- I've never seen you like this. - Like what?

Calm and serious.

Twins are strange.

Why strange?

So identical yet so different.

Liz and me.

You and your brother.

Do you think we are so different?

How could I know?

Would you like to do a little scientific experiment?

What do you mean?

How different are we? It's worth finding out.

You'll be disappointed.

Her eyes said it's all yours.

Just come and get it."

It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.

Right in the middle of love-making, a twisted thought came to me:

I'm cuckolding myself.

This idea was so gripping that for a moment, I...

- How very singular it is. - Singular, yes.

I sometimes wonder about you and your brother.

Really?

It would be incredible if you were matthieu and knew everything.

I'd rather know nothing and be myself.

You can't be true.

What do you think of the difference?

Vive la difference!

And you?

Close your eyes and I'll tell you.

You're better.

I'm better.

I'm better?

Better than whom?

Married four days and having it off with another man.

Damn it.

Okay, it wasn't another man, but it wasn't her husband.

And if it wasn't her husband she didn't know it wasn't.

One of us has been cuckolded.

Cuckolded?

Tough cheating on yourself.

The Betty who slept with me was different

to the Betty who slept with Matthias... matthieu,

with me, the other one.

I don't know any more.

You're better.

She congratulated me on my belly button.

What difference can there be

between my belly button and my brother's?

What am I saying?

Must someone take what you think is yours

to make you realise you are in love?

Did I love this woman?

Betty, it's matthieu. Matthieu in Montreal.

What a night! I think about you... I...

I miss you. I won't stay any longer...

I think I love you. There, I've said it, I love you.

I'll be back in the morning. I love you.

Matthias!

It's 11 o'clock. Get up! Ralph's here.

- What day is it? - 11 o'clock, Monday.

Shit! I got back half an hour ago.

Ralph.

Yes, so...

Go on.

I've information about the two sisters. Imagine, two of them.

- And twins. - And twins.

- You know that? - Tell me about the one with 'z'.

The one with 'z' has exactly the same problem as the one 's'.

- They are legally incapable. - Incapable of what?

Of touching the kerner inheritance.

- Don't say that. No, no. - No, hang on.

- Listen. - No!

Sit down. Listen.

To get their inheritance...

To get their inheritance, they must be married.

- The taxes. - They're nothing.

- Three million dollars. - It's by-the-by.

Sherlock, the answer to the conundrum.

Simple. Kerner was an old puritan. He believed in the family.

Got it! To get the dosh she first has to get married.

Correct. But there's a catch. The old boy had a twin.

- He left them the same percentage. - But that's nice.

45 percent each. That's where it gets messy.

- I don't understand. - What an idiot!

- 45 percent and 45 percent. - 90. So?

So it means the first to marry can buy the 10 percent

which will give her the majority share

and total control of the kerner empire.

Who has the 10 percent?

Old man kerner's twin, uncle Timothy.

- What does uncle Timothy say? - He says no.

- Can't sleep, honey? - Why did you lie to me?

- What you are talk...? - The tax.

What?

Taxes.

- You married me... - To save three million dollars tax.

Yes, it's true, my darling, my love.

What about the inheritance?

What about what, honey?

You and your sister have 45, 45.

Who told you all that?

Matthias?

Liz doesn't keep things from him.

I only kept a few tiny things secret.

- Liar! - I don't lie to you. I love you.

You slept with my brother!

He gave me the details. Things he couldn't have made up.

Nothing would have happened, but you look so alike.

- So you admit it! - He's nothing like you.

Why? Is he better perhaps?

- Forgive me, I beg you. - I can't carry on like this.

- But honey! - T don't know where I am.

- I love you. - I can see things clearly.

- Forgive me. - Let me go, Betty.

- No, matthieu! - Let me go.

- No, matthieu! - Let me go. I'll call you.

What are you doing in so early?

The cleaner hasn't been paid.

Someone has to throw away the bills.

- Back in your specs? - No, I lost a contact lens.

Sometimes it's specs, sometimes it's contacts.

- Your optician says? - Not to overdo the lenses.

Nor overplay the double game.

Matthias.

What are you up to that I don't understand?

You have too vivid an imagination. That's how you hurt yourself.

Hello... mr duval, yes.

Which duval?

Hello, Matthias duval.

Oh, Betty...

N-no, Betty, he left five minutes ago.

Yes. He seemed very upset. He didn't say where he was going.

I know him. He always does that when he's upset.

I promise you, Betty. It's not me.

I... I didn't say anything.

Hell...

Hell...

- Your brother going on holiday? - What?

Taking you too?

- Well... - It's matthieu who's leaving now.

We'll marry tomorrow.

Oh, excuse me. Your brother not here?

No. It's just as well for him.

Going on a trip?

Exactly so.

Good bye.

Will Matthias be in this morning?

I suspect he's on his way.

August was coming to an end and I was ending up exhausted.

Three weeks.

Three weeks fighting like a cat in a full bathtub.

It's high time I stop, halt. Help!

So matthieu had married Betty, and aside some little details

he could no doubt live a quiet life.

Doing it again with Liz, I could end up in gaol.

So... no...

I'm stopping.

Right.

No.

I'm stopping!

How much?

300,000.

300,000 km and as many mountains and glaciers between us.

- I don't love you, Liz. - We have a contract.

It comes into force post-wedding. No wedding.

Fallen in love with a cashier?

Yes, I know, article 7, sexual freedom.

No, I won't buy it.

Liz, the place is crawling with single guys.

4,000 dollars a month and an option on your bed.

So why me?

The people I meet are all too straight-laced.

They'd never accept this sort of deal.

4,000 dollars a month! It doesn't cover their cigarettes.

What about volpinex?

Why not marry Ernie?

He scares me.

At least we have that in common. No, count me out, Liz. Bye.

I can't let you go, Matthias. I have to get married.

- Or I lose it all. - T know.

And Betty and matthieu are already married.

The bitch!

- Are you sure? - Last week in the touraine.

The little bitch!

Wait, Matthias!

No, that's not right, wait.

Wait...

Air France? What time does concorde leave for New York?

That's not right. It's illegal.

We'll marry later today.

Got your blood test? I can salvage the situation yet.

I'm uncle Timothy's favourite.

No, hang on! Hang on! It's not right.

On Rhode Island, there's no wait after you get the licence.

You can get married in 15 minutes.

Yes. Departs roissy 11:00, arrives New York 8:45. Local time.

Thank you.

No... no. You shouldn't do that to a poor man!

Ever tried ignoring the writing on a cheque

that's been put on your desk?

I felt all those zeros against my skin.

What time at the airport?

11:00.

8:45 local time.

0:15.

0:40.

10:15.

10:26.

10:34.

Me? Yes, I do.

13:00.

Roissy, the same evening. 22:46.

- Bye. - Goodbye, madam. Goodbye, sir.

Get lost.

Married to two rich heiresses, I spent my wedding night alone

with a day-old hot dog washed down with Luke-warm beer.

Cheers!

It would be nice to have a Liz or a Betty on each arm.

What's wrong with me? I sound like a guy in love.

In love, that's all I needed.

Liz!

Oh, Liz.

- Betty. - Where's matthieu?

Why did you tell him?

- Hang on. How come you're here? - Your secretary gave me the keys.

Where's matthieu?

You don't understand I love him.

- Betty. - Why did you tell him?

Find him!

I love him.

She loves him?

That's wonderful. She loves me.

Doing some works?

Evie, I'm taking leave of myself.

- I'm leaving. - Going far?

- To Japan. - What will you do in Japan?

You hate raw fish.

I don't think you understand.

You're worrying me, Matthias. You seem to mean it.

He's scribbled you... I've scribbled you a letter.

- You don't mind being the manager. - What?

How will I manage without you?

Here.

- For real? - Liz kerner invested...

She's crazy! We can pay everyone for over three years with that.

The crazy joker will never be the same again.

Goodbye duval.

Is all this because of the twins?

- One was here yesterday. - Evie...

No. Don't say anything. I already know too much.

I, Matthias duval,

wrote to Liz from Tokyo where I would never set foot

a heart-rending letter

marking the end of our relationship my first foray into literature

and my last lie.

Matthieu went to find Betty.

The plane to supposedly fly him back to Paris was at 11:50.

See you soon, my Betty.

Yes, my love.

My favourite colour? Red. Why?

It's beautiful.

Behind these glasses,

I spent the four most wonderful days of my life.

I didn't have to be two people.

I didn't even have to be myself.

I had only to be him, matthieu.

That's me.

Yours.

I can't.

Look, there's Liz.

What?

- Building a sandcastle? - That the sea will wash away.

You didn't come here to talk about that.

I heard you got married. I came to congratulate you.

Let's hug.

All the more so as Matthias and I...

- What? - No, you...

- Yes, we're married too. - Matthias, married!

My goodness! Let's celebrate. Matthias, out!

Matthias isn't with me.

- He's in Japan. - Jap...?

What's he doing in Japan. He hates raw fish.

We have to talk. About money.

Uncle Timothy is dead.

- It's loaded. - Loaded?

- Put it down. It's faulty. - It goes off on its own.

It was dad's. We don't know how to unload it.

- Do you know? - I've never touched a gun.

- I'll fix us a fabulous dinner. - Celebrating something?

I'll go and...

I'll go and... I'll go.

- Matthieu. - Yes.

Why did Matthias go away?

To Japan?

I don't know. We'd argued.

He mentions you in his letter.

Me?

He asked me to give you this.

Who is it?

Aunt Olga.

- Is that you in the photo? - No, it's Matthias.

Where were you?

I was taking the photo.

Good old Matthias.

"Give matthieu a hug for me."

What does he say to you?

"Liz, my only one, my beloved,

tomorrow at dawn, I will go out to sea

where two rocks lie, for ever joined

by this cord threaded to their summits.”

Beautiful, isn't it? It's beautiful.

"It's all too calm here

I wish I could lay you down in this silence,

to make you moan,

hear the pleasure that awaits behind the screens.”

Behind what?

Behind the screens.

"The sense of beauty comes from being loved.

"So nothing is beautiful here."

Liz.

No one has ever said, "I love you" like that before.

Liz.

Matthieu.

I think I love Matthias.

Liz.

I'll take her back to Paris.

- Shall I... 7? - No, stay here.

I'll be right back.

Betty?

Betty, I'm up here.

Betty?

Matthieu duval?

Exactly so. Who are you?

- What do you want with Betty? - Professional secret, mr duval.

- You are not her lawyer. - And you are not your brother.

- Excuse me? - You don't have a twin brother.

You met him yourself.

Matthias duval and matthieu duval are one and the same.

Everyone copies someone. The main thing is to add something.

- Liar. - Me, a liar? No, I invent my life.

The trap has closed, duval.

- I don't... - Bigamy, forgery, fraud.

Trust me, you'll get ten years.

And my brother? How long will he get?

Duval, there is only one of you and it's one too many.

A copy of the hospital register proving there was only one birth.

Your aunt Olga collected one duval.

I have copies of your school records.

You've been caught, Matthias duval.

You shouldn't have played with us. The stakes were too high.

- Ernest. - Do not call me Ernest.

And don't touch me.

- We'll work something out. - Don't step out of line.

Don't touch me.

Stop it, voplinex.

By marrying Liz and Betty

you messed up a deal that I'd been working on for months.

Volpi... volpinex.

What a pleasure.

Stop!

I don't know if I'll be able to.

Stop, volpinex.

Get up, duval!

Go on, take it, matthieu.

- Go ahead, kill me, Matthias. - Careful, it's faulty.

5 years either way. We won't quibble.

Go on, matthieu.

- Be brave, Matthias. - Stop it. It's crazy!

Stop it, volpinex.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no. No, no, no!

Idiocies of idiocies.

Volpinex!

Matthieu, it's Betty.

Betty! It's matthieu.

What's wrong?

I was having a nightmare. You woke me.

My poor darling.

Listen, matthieu. Liz and I still have something to sort out.

- Betty. - I won't be back tonight.

- Join us tomorrow. - I wanted to say...

- Betty, I wanted to say... - Tell me tomorrow.

Good night, my darling.

Betty...

Idiocies of idiocies.

Idiocies of idiocies.

Shit!

Idiocies of idiocies.

Idiocies of idiocies.

The time is 6:30 on Europe 1. Gilles Schneider with the news.

A strange tragedy has taken place at villerville near trouville.

It is in the house of...

Matthias?

Matthias.

Oh, god, Matthias. It can't be true.

What is it?

Oh, Evie.

- Back from Japan? - As you see.

For the funeral?

I asked if you're back for your funeral.

That another of your husband's ideas?

I see.

- You haven't heard the radio. - Should I have?

Yes, they were talking about you. Or your brother, matthieu duval.

- Is he still your twin brother? - Yes, why?

They've found him dead.

What?

Burnt to a cinder. In a big house near trouville.

Can you repeat that?

- Your brother, matthieu duval... - Calm down!

Married to ultra-rich heiress, Betty kerner,

has been found dead, burnt to a cinder.

Dead, burnt to a cinder?

As you see, it's not true.

That's not all.

He was murdered.

They found a bullet in your brother's body.

- No! - Yes!

Matthias.

- One thing I don't get. - Yes.

If it's your brother they found in the ashes...

Given we both know you don't have a brother,

tell me the name of the corpse.

No.

Evie, even if I told you the truth...

I wouldn't believe you, is that it?

Matthias, if you'd done something really stupid

would you tell me?

Listen carefully, Evie, I swear, I swear

on your son's head, my godson,

that Matthias duval never set foot in that house.

You swear it on Julien's head?

Yes. That I swear.

I believe you, Matthias.

Make me a coffee?

I'll even go and get you a croissant.

The trouville tragedy...

Shit.

Shortly after the kerner sisters identified matthieu duval's remains

the murder weapon was found.

The police have confirmed the murderer is Ernest volpinex

a member of the bar, Paris...

Shit.

No stranger to st tropez nightlife.

Thanks to ID found in his car fingerprints were compared

and it was concluded that the murderer was mr volpinex.

The lawyer is on the run.

Well I never!

The winning formula.

We've broken the bank!

Thank you, Ernest.

Mrs wood,

there are days when small gestures do you the greatest good.

- Evie? - Yes, sir.

What do I do now?

I think you come back from Japan.

Hello, Nikki. It's Matthias.

Is miss Liz there? I'm calling from Japan.

It's mr Matthias in Japan.

- Excuse me, inspector. - We've finished, madam.

We won't trouble you any longer.

All is in order.

The burial certificate will be issued tomorrow.

Please accept my condolences, madam.

No, it's her.

I'm sorry.

Please accept my condolences, madam.

- Well? - It's Matthias from Japan.

Hello.

Liz, my love. Can you hear me?

I love you, Liz. I'm calling from a restaurant.

No, yes, thank you.

I'm coming back.

- Matthias, I... - Don't say anything.

- Matthias, your brother... - I can't hear you.

I'm coming back, Liz. I can't hear you at all.

Don't hang up.

See you soon, Matthias.

Hello. What is it?

What is it?

- Oh, Matthias. - My love.

- Come, Matthias. - What's going on?

Matthias, your brother.

Oh, Betty.

My little sister. My little brother.

Poor little guy.

You are so alike and yet so different.

We didn't have the benefit of matthieu for long.

Matthieu, you overcame so many obstacles.

To come back from Canada only to die in trouville.

Oh, Betty.

- He loved you, you know. - T know.

Oh, Liz.

Oh Liz, my letter was...

No one ever said to me, "t love you" like that.

I brought you a few silly things. Souvenirs.

But now it's perhaps rather...

Inappropriate.

No, Matthias, that's very kind.

Just a moment.

For you, Liz, and little Betty.

Oh... it's nice.

It's gorgeous.

Excuse me.

What's wrong?

She's distraught. You should go and say good night.

- Betty. - Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry, Betty.

I came to say good night.

I will never forget. Do you remember?

Our scientific experiment?

Is this wise?

Matthias!

Go.

Yes.

It's true, you were better.

How is she?

Poor little Betty. She needs looking after.

Like matthieu would have looked after her, if...

I'll look after everything this evening.

How was Japan?

Oh, cherry blossom, videos, raw fish, quartz watches.

No, not too much! Because...

- Liz. - A nos amours.

Liz...

Liz, I love you.

Oh, the lemon.

Who cares!

Liz, I love you.

I was on his knee.

Tell me again.

- I love you, Liz. - Again.

I love you.

I love you, Liz.

What is it?

Oh, my darling. Wait, let me...

There we are.

Liz.

We're just at the start of our journey, aren't we?

No.

Liz!

- What was wrong with Betty? - A nightmare.

How very singular it is.

Sorry?

Matthias, my darling, could you get me one of my little cigars?

They're in the chest next door.

I'm going.

Matthieu was made of the stuff of dreams

and dreams don't live long.

He would no longer have the good fortune of loving and being loved.

A little pile of ashes impossible to identify

from now on he would rest at the bottom of an urn

in the vault of his parents-in-law in Boston, Massachusetts, usa.

The funeral looked like going well.

The honeymoons looked like going well, rather the honeymoon.

Good old volpinex, my final greetings card is for you.

Get to paradise, before the devil catches you.

Time for us to "cultivate our garden."

"Everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds."

My wife, my widow and I lived happily ever after

and we had...

Subtitles: Eclair media