Original subtitles

But now, put on your thinking caps.

It's America's new favorite game show.

It’s seven o’clock on a weeknight, which can only mean one thing.

It’s time for...

- Can’t Stop the Quiz! - Can’t Stop the Quiz!

I’m your host, Terry McTeer.

Oh, my God!

You made out with David Zelman?

You lost 600 dollars?

I want a divorce!

Welcome. Best of luck.

May I have five minutes on the clock, please?

And your time starts now!

Welcome!

Ready to learn and have some fun?

Countries on the equator. Whoa!

Correct! Correct! Wow! You guys are smart.

Welcome, Ralph, hope you're enjoying Los Angeles.

Do me a favor, don't miss the La Brea Tar Pits.

They're lovely.

Your cousin, Jin, just got into Harvard Medical School!

And you’re dropping out?

It’s bad enough you go to community college!

I don’t need school! I’m gonna be an actress.

Oh! You’re making me crazy.

- I’m going to the casino. - Have fun losing all our money!

That was incredible! You almost knocked my bow tie off.

I would've felt quite nude.

Don’t go anywhere.

- I know I won’t. - I know I won’t.

What an incredible game!

I learned so much. I had no idea pineapple is a berry.

That blows my mind.

Join us tomorrow for another night of fast facts and live learning!

I’m Terry McTeer and I’ll be right here.

Have a good night!

Thank you so much. Have a great trip back to Delaware.

I hear there's no sales tax there.

Wild stuff!

♪ Even if I find nothin' better to do ♪

♪ Don't feel like dancin', dancin' ♪

♪ Why'd you pick a tune when I'm not in the mood? ♪

♪ Don't feel like dancin', dancin' ♪

♪ I'd rather be home with the one in the bed till dawn, with you... ♪

♪ So, I'll just pretend that I know which way to bend ♪

♪ And I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're mine ♪

♪ Just please understand when I see you clap your hands ♪

♪ If you stick around I'm sure that I'll be fine... ♪

♪ But I don't feel like dancin' ♪

Surprise!

My God! I love that everybody's here.

Oh, we love you.

Happy hour after this. Happy hour.

- Yes! - Yeah.

Okay, let's get inside, get inside.

Anne? Anne, is that you?

Get inside.

Anne, your stupid postman has done it again.

Once again, he's left one of your packages in front of my door.

Oh, man. Uh, my mistake.

Yeah, well, what happens

when there's an unexpected package in front of my door?

- I, um-- - I trip over it and I fall and I die.

- Mm-hmm. - Your stupid postman is trying to kill me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Please speak to him.

I'll leave him a voice mail. Thank you.

Look, Linguini, it finally came.

Linguini!

It’s time for...

- Can’t Stop the Quiz! - Can’t Stop the Quiz!

I’m your host, Terry McTeer. Let’s meet tonight’s contestants!

Starting with Linda, who came all the way from Idaho.

- Did you bring any potatoes? - Uh...

I'm just kidding.

And then we have our returning champion,

Ron Heacock from Ohio.

Ron, you must be getting pretty comfortable here.

You're now the third longest-running champion.

Congratulations! That's quite an achievement.

Uh, honestly, I’m just glad to be here, Terry.

- Uh, I’m a huge fan. - Oh!

Aw!

- Please let this be the night... - Last but not least,

- we have Adrian. - ...he finally loses.

Ron, your winning streak continues!

Thank you. But Linda, you did so great tonight.

I... I wish we could both win.

Hey! How about it, Terry? Can there be two winners?

Unfortunately, no, there can't be.

Oh. Just me then.

All I'm saying... Okay, you put the money into the computer.

It prints you the money back.

- You don't lose any money. - If you want me to invest in an app...

...I'm not gonna...

I sent this in an email. Did you not read the email?

- I don't open those things. - You don't open my emails?

- Any emails, ever. - Hi, Mom.

Hi! This is Shannon from Sunnyvale.

I have some bad news.

We lost your mom.

What?

Oh, my God.

Sorry, that was terrible phrasing. I meant we don't know where she is.

Yes, she's not dead, but she is missing.

Have you checked Rivers Casino?

- Penny Palace, House of Slots? - Yes, we checked all her usual spots.

- Can you come in? - I mean...

Here she is.

Uh. Ms. Yum, thank you so much for coming in.

Well, would you like to wait for your sister?

She’ll be here momentarily.

My sister? You... you called Jenny?

Well, when we lose someone, we have to call everybody.

- We didn’t lose her, she ran away. - Oh! Right.

It's okay. She does this sometimes.

Due to the sheer number of rules violations,

we can no longer keep your mother as a resident.

So, you're kicking her out?

- Enough is enough. - It's enough.

Ms. Yum,

in signing the resident agreement,

she agreed to adhere to our policies.

Sneaking out is a very serious violation.

We can't be responsible for her safety.

She’s also really mean. It's less important, but it’s not nothing.

Uh. I think your sister's here.

- Hello! Annie! Annie, let me in! - The button! Push the button!

- Hit the button. There's a button there. - Annie! I can't hear you!

- Hit the god-- - What?

- There's a... there's a button there. - I can't see it!

- There's a... - What button? What button?

- Well, that wasn't very clear. - Oh, well...

Annie! Annie, it's finally happened.

- Oh, my God, it's okay, it's okay. - No, no...

I'm here. I'm here, we're together. We're gonna get through this.

- This is a part of life. - Jenny, what are you wearing?

Oh, it's the only black dress I own.

- Okay. - I can't believe she's gone.

- Mm-mm. No, she-- - Oh, my God.

We're orphans. Oh, my God. You're Orphan Annie.

- Oh, my God. - She's not dead. She ran away.

That fucking bitch.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

- Hi. - Hi.

So, we took the liberty of packing up your mother’s belongings.

Thank you. What a pleasant eviction.

Oh, good! I'm so glad. Oh? Great news! It looks like your mom left a note.

It’s mostly personal attacks on me.

Oh, but it does say she and Jeff are off to Macao.

So, at least you know where she is!

- Who's Jeff? - Who's Jeff?

She has a boyfriend?

I mean, why didn't she tell us?

Because she only calls when she needs money.

Oh, you’re parked right by me!

Are you living out of your car?

No!

It's just some stuff I've been meaning to donate and... Oh, my God.

This amazing lamp that I found in an alley

and some... blankets, in case I wanted a nap.

Well...

sorry, you wasted all your time driving out here.

Oh, actually...

I was hoping that maybe I can stay with you for a little bit.

Why?

Well, I thought I was going to since Mom was dead.

Come on, Annie.

Come on, it's gonna be fun!

- And I really wanna see my dog. - Your dog?

I made it to the final round of auditions for The Real World!

I have to go to L.A. tomorrow to meet with the producers!

- Oh, my God! - But...

- What about your puppy? - Oh, yeah.

Can you take care of Mr. Linguini?

- You added 2,500 dollars... - Thanks! Thank you!

...and that's not nothing.

You know, it feels smaller.

- Are you sure you didn't make it smaller? - No, I didn’t shrink my house.

- Oh, my God! - What?

He's dead.

No, he's sleeping! Mr. Linguini! Hey! Psst, psst, psst.

See? Full of life.

Shit!

- So, uh... how long you planning on staying? - Oh, I don't know. A few days.

Few days? Don't they need you back at your... job?

Oh, no, I don't have a job.

Okay, well, are you looking for a job?

I’m focusing all my energy on manifesting the life I want.

But what... What are you gonna do for money?

Because I don't know if I can lend you any more.

And Mom's nursing home

- isn't exactly-- - Okay, I don't need money.

I'm getting plenty from my lawsuit.

From your... From your what? From your lawsuit? Sorry, what lawsuit?

Oh, I didn't tell you? Oh, my God.

I had a business lunch at Choochie's

with this guy who wanted to invest in my fashion line,

and I took a bite of my tilapia filet, and there was a fish bone in it.

It got stuck in my throat, and I almost choked to death.

So, I sued them.

So, you sued Choochie’s

because there was a fish bone in your fish fillet?

I'm sorry. I almost died.

Why can't you just be happy I got a bunch of money from them?

I mean, who are you? Mr. Choochie's?

Now, why would I be "Mr. Choochie's?"

'Cause it's a man's world.

Don't... Don't just leave that hair there, please.

Okay, Dad.

Oh, my God. Do you have a Quiz alarm on your phone?

Come on, Linguini! It's Quiz time.

Let’s meet tonight's contestants. Starting with our returning champion...

Yeah, there you go.

...Ron Heacock from-- Excuse me! From Ohio.

- You okay, Terry? - Yes. I just ate some crackers backstage.

Must’ve gotten some crumbs down the wrong pipe.

That’s live television for you.

Good. 'Cause I worry about you, Terry. You work so hard.

You should loosen up that bow tie. Take a vacation.

- Aww. - Don't "aww" him. He's a jerk.

But he seems so nice. And he's so smiley.

He's not. It's an act.

He's trying to be like Terry. And look at how shiny his hands are.

- He puts makeup on his hands. - Some people have ugly hands.

...all the way from Kentucky,

Margret, I have to ask you, did you ride your horse to the studio?

Welcome.

And your time starts now.

- What is the square root of 196? - Fourteen.

- Ron? Correct. - Fourteen.

- How many hearts does an octopus have? - Three.

- Ron? Correct. - Three.

- What? - What spice is derived

from Crocus sativus?

- Saffron. - I feel like an answer hog. But saffron.

Correct.

- Carbon dioxide. - Very good.

- Wellington, New Zealand. - Correct.

Saturn. Our American Cousin.

The equal sign.

- Harry Potter. - The Hobbit.

- Correct. - All right. Bless you.

Ron, please list for us the gods of Mount Olympus.

Aphrodite, Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Athena, Demeter, Dionysus, Hephaestus, Her-- Hey!

Why haven't you gone on that show?

Are you scared that you would win so much money

that people will try and kill you for it?

You know, that's a thing with lottery winners.

- No, it's not-- - Are you scared

that your hatred for that Ron guy is actually a sexual attraction

that you wouldn't know how to navigate in person?

No!

It's just... I'm not... good at...

being looked at, you know?

It’s time for the Flip!

- Ten, nine, eight... - Stupid coin.

- I love the coin. It's so big. - ...seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

- Show it! - Show it!

- Show it. - Our contestants will act out the answers

while their partners guess.

Wait, what are you doing? The charades thing is the only fun part!

It’s not fun, it’s a cheap gimmick.

They changed the entire final round to boost ratings, it's so dumb.

Who wants to watch people embarrass themselves?

I do.

Waltz. Waltzer.

Oh, my God. He's dancing.

Sidewalk. Concrete.

Waltzer. Concrete... Walter Cronkite.

Who's Walter Cronkite?

G. Dog.

♪ Okay ♪

♪ Show up to the party it's guerrilla ♪

♪ With an itty bitty chance of having a good time ♪

♪ Sip, sip, sippin' margaritas spillin' like a villain... ♪

It's like a robot's house.

♪ Better whip out the swiffer hiding my mind, smoke away depression ♪

- ♪ Look like my exes ♪ - ♪ Hey ♪

♪ They good, they tight ♪

♪ They pull me under... ♪

I focus on my destiny all the time.

I want to be rich and famous, and loved by everybody. Why?

Because I want to be a powerful force for good in this world, you know?

I just haven't found, you know, the path to get there yet.

I mean, do you have any idea

how hard it is to be an Asian woman in this country?

- Yes, I read an article. - Like, we have to keep going.

Like, I've always wanted to open my own bakery, you know?

- And then life got in the way. - Mm-hmm.

And now, I never bake anymore,

and I feel so unfulfilled.

You need to change your life.

You can because you're strong.

So, are you done with your plate?

Oh, yeah.

Since when does it take you 20 minutes to service one table?

We started talking.

- You can't just sit and hang out. - She believes in me, Carl.

Oh, my God!

Thanks!

Hi. I had a huge day.

- Why are you sitting out here? - Oh, I locked myself out.

- Well, let's get inside before-- - Anne, is this lunatic your sister?

I told you.

She threatened to call the cops because she thought I was, what?

- Was it loitering? - You were loitering.

I thought you were loitering with an intent to murder.

Oh, do I look like a murderer?

- Yes. Well, yes, you do. - Oh, really?

- I can see your brassiere. - Okay, okay. I'm... I'm sorry about her.

- Like-- - Sorry about me? What did I do?

- Why are you-- Why? - Put a sock in it.

Okay, so, I went to go get coffee and I met this woman.

Oh, my God! She was so sad. But we got to talking, and I helped her.

And helping her made me feel better.

And just like that, I saw it. I saw the path forward.

Don't move my stuff.

Why do you have a bobblehead of Justin Timberlake?

It's Terry McTeer, and it's limited edition.

It’s from the 300th episode!

Do you know the heated eBay war I had to endure to get that?

- It's Justin Timberlake. - It's Terry McTeer.

Okay, as I was saying, I have decided

I am going to become...

a life coach.

- You know, like Oprah. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Linguini!

- What's so funny? This is my destiny. - Oh, there you are.

Yeah, you and your destinies.

First, it was figure skating, then it was acting, and then...

And then you wanted to be a music icon.

- And then it was fashion design. - Yeah, but this is different.

How?

I'll show you, you know what? Because you're gonna be my first project.

I don't need a life coach.

Uh, really? Because from what I can tell,

you’re like a 28-year-old woman, living the life of a 98-year-old widower.

I'm 33.

And why am I always a man in your hypotheticals?

Because men are worse.

Well, I like my life just the way it is.

Okay, Ron. Chuck has chosen geography. Let's see what we have for you.

- Please list for us... - What are you doing?

- ...South American capital cities. - Yoga.

Buenos Aires, Lima, Sucre, Brasília, Santiago, Bogotá, Quito, Caracas,

- Montevideo, Asunción. - Caracas...

I knew I should have paid more attention when I backpacked through South America

after I graduated law school.

Darn it.

Let's see, Chuck, it's your turn. How about language?

Chuck, please list for us nouns that do not have a singular form.

Scissors, clothes, pants, jeans, trousers, shorts, tights, goggles, sunglasses,

tweezers, belongings, boxers, briefs.

North American river borders. All right, okay.

Detroit, Pine, Pigeon, Rainy.

Saint Clair, Saint Croix, Saint Francis, Saint Lawrence, Saint Mary's.

Nucleus, nucleolus, mitochondria, Golgi complex, cell membrane,

nuclear envelope, cytoskeleton.

Did you see it? I was like, "Don't we work with that girl?"

And I was like, "Oh, my God. Yes, I do."

And then I was-- Oh, my God!

- Hey, it's the Quiz Lady. - What?

You were like, "Spain. Killer whale. Octagon."

- So, what are you talking about? - Hello!

You're on the front page of Reddit. Your video.

...outskirts, premises, surroundings.

Oh, no.

Oh, Quiz Lady.

Oh, my God.

- ...lysosomes, ribosomes, nucleus... - Oh, no.

Yo, what up fam? As promised, The Quiz Lady.

Yo, that video was so funny, dude. I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Don't worry, just pee.

Can you give me, like, a quick "wassup" to my followers?

No! I need a minute.

- Hi, have you seen Twitter? - How did this happen?

You are viral!

I posted it last night,

and then when I woke up this morning it was everywhere.

I mean, I have a ton of followers from that time Elon Musk yelled at me.

- But... - Delete... Delete it right now.

Wait! You cannot buy this hype. Get this, get this!

- Okay, the producers... - I have to go.

- I'm still here. - She always does this.

She just floats through life without ever thinking

about how her actions affect other people.

Did you know that when were kids we went to the Heinz Ketchup Museum,

our father brought us there, and she was furious

'cause she wanted to watch Supercop 3, and she'd just gotten it on DVD.

And, so, she knocks over an entire display of ketchup

and we get thrown out onto the street

by a Heinz ketchup security guard.

And I really wanted to learn about ketchup.

I wanted to have that experience.

I didn't get to have that experience. Now, look at me now.

I think it's just tomatoes, though.

- You know, with sugar and spices. - Oh, my God.

They want me to be on local news.

- Dope! - I don't want to be news.

I would kill to be local news.

Internal auditing.

Quiz Lady! I'm a huge fan. My name's Gerald.

I'm what you might call a sexual cannibal.

It is what you think it is, and do you wanna get lunch?

The internet knows where I work. The internet knows where I work.

Niagara, Detroit, Pine, Detroit...

- Hey, say something smart. - Sorry. I can't.

Come on!

Anne Yum.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I'm a friend of your mom's. Do you know where she is?

No, sorry.

You sure? 'Cause I'd really like to find her.

She owes me some money.

She-- She said she quit.

Aside from occasional penny slots. How much does she owe?

- Eighty grand. - Eighty grand?

And imagine my pleasant surprise

when her daughter with the goofy little bangs became famous.

Saved me all the trouble of tracking you down.

So, where is she?

Do you really want to protect her? You probably don't even like her.

I know I don't.

Come on, don't be stupid.

Tell me where she is.

Macao.

- Macao. - I can't help you.

Of course, you can. You can cover her debt.

I don't have 80,000 dollars.

Neither do I, and that's the problem.

Call me when you have it...

and you'll get your dog back.

My dog?

- My dog? - You have two weeks.

After that, you'll never see him again.

Let's go grab some cronuts.

Amazing! We'll be there, thank you.

Linguini!

- Annie, what's going on? - Linguini!

Who's even named Ken anymore?

This is all your fault. He found me because of your stupid video.

- Are you calling him? - I'm calling Mom.

It's not gonna do anything.

Jenny?

You left us with an 80,000 dollars debt?

It's okay, I'm in Macao.

Jeff, get me another Mai Tai!

Okay, you know what? It's not okay. None of this is okay.

Your bookie threatened Annie and kidnapped my dog.

He's not your dog.

Not a bad deal.

- That dog's so old. - That's not the point!

What do you expect me to do about it? I'm in Macao!

You need to fix it. We can't afford to pay them off!

Fine! Come to Macao. Jeff rented a condo. But no free rides.

We don't wanna live in your goddamn condo.

Don't swear. Aiya, who raised you?

Nobody!

Told you.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God! - What? What? Are they here?

Annie, Annie, Annie! This is all connected.

This is synergy from the universe.

Oh, my God. I think I might have manifested this.

I hate all the words you just used.

Oh, my God. This is how you're gonna make the money.

Okay, someone from the Quiz just called. They saw your video.

What? No! No! That is so embarrassing.

No, no, no, no. No, see, they loved it,

and they're in the middle of a casting round,

and they want-- No, come on.

They want you to come to the in-person regional auditions

this weekend. Where? In Philadelphia!

- No, that's not happening. - Oh, my God. Why not?

I mean, you could win 80,000 dollars just like that.

I mean, you got every question right.

I can't play on live TV in front of millions of people.

In front of Terry-freakin' McTeer.

I can't, I can't. There has to be another way.

You could sell your eggs. I mean, it's not like you're using them.

- I'm not gonna sell my eggs. - Okay!

Well, I am not gonna let Mom's bullshit ruin your life.

Too late.

So, I looked on CarMax,

and it said I could easily sell my car for around 20,000...

Hi. The paperboy missed the porch again, but by a mile.

I mean, he threw it in the driveway, the jerk.

I'm pretty sure he's vaping drugs again.

Bending over that far,

it’s actually dangerous for an almost ghost like me.

Could you help?

Oh, say, uh, can I borrow your phone a sec?

I just want to check on my stocks.

- Is everything all right? You seem weird. - What do you mean? I’m fine.

- Since when do you invest? - What's it to you?

Don’t be scared! It’s me!

What? What the... Jenny, not again!

Don't worry! We're getting your dog back!

Hey!

- What are you doing? - I’m taking you to Philadelphia!

- So, you can get on the show! - Jenny!

Okay!

Where's my 100 bucks?

Thanks. Um, sorry, I don't have any cash on me.

Hey! How could you do this to me

when I was just threatened by a genuine Tong?

That’s why I yelled, “Don't be scared. It’s me!”

- Jenny! - What is a Tong?

Asian gangsters. You know, read a book.

- Jenny! - Thank you very much.

Jenny, let me out of here. Francine! Francine, please!

Grifter!

Jenny! Let me out! I will call the FBI!

- Settle down! - You want me to settle down?

- You kidnapped me! - Oh, don’t be so dramatic!

- Jenny, Jenny-- - I put a bunch of, like, snacks

and pillows in there, so just sit back, relax.

- Enjoy the ride. - Jenny, Jenny.

♪ Surprise to me I am my own worst enemy... ♪

♪ ...Every now and then I kick the living shit out of me... ♪

Oh, my God!

- Jenny! - What are you doing?

- Pull over. - Never!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop!

- Get back in the trunk! - Look out! It’s dangerous! Look out!

- Oh, God! Oh, God! - What the...

Learn how to drive!

Racist!

Oh, hi!

- That was crazy! - Jenny!

- What? - Give me the keys!

- No! - What?

- Come on! - No! No. No, no, no.

- You wanna run now? - I would outrun you! I ran track!

- What? You didn’t run track! - I signed up for it!

- Not going to-- - No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

Thought I couldn't outrun you.

- What are you-- - Stop it! Stop! Stop!

♪ ...The work be killin' me dead, stuntin' ♪

♪ Killin' me, killin' me, killin' me... ♪

Jen!

You are going to Philadelphia!

What?

I don't have time for this, Linguini is in danger.

That stupid show is the only way we're gonna get him back.

What about the Choochie’s money?

There’s no Choochie’s money.

Of course. Of course.

Why would I ever think that you could help?

Look...

the Quiz is the best and fastest option for us to get the money.

So, unless you want to sell your eggs, we need to get to Philadelphia.

- Fine. But I'm driving. - Okay.

Give me back my hair.

Come to Philly.

We’re better than New York.

I always forget how beautiful this city is.

Can you check that?

What? What is it?

What the...

What’s he gonna do to our dog?

He isn’t gonna hurt him, right?

No!

No. It's okay. Let's just get to the hotel.

Yeah.

- What's the address? - I don't know, I’m still looking for one.

You haven't booked one yet?

Sorry. I was too busy making the trunk comfortable for you.

Besides, how hard is it gonna be to find one?

How was I supposed to know

there was a pharmaceutical convention this week?

Good morrow, ladies. Welcome to the Ben Franklin Inn & Spa.

May I interest you in some johnnycakes made fresh this morning by my lovely...

self?

Um, don’t touch that.

We have a reservation.

It’s under Anne Yum.

Ah! Yes. I heard your voice on that marvelous machine right there,

that I have heard is called the telephone, but I am unfamiliar with it.

Identification and credit card, please.

You don't know what a phone is, but you know about credit cards?

The concept of a credit card is an easy one to grasp.

I know what credit is, and I can assure you I'm familiar with cards.

But that talking machine was invented after my time.

Oh, what is that sound?

’Tis a chirping bird?

Ben Franklin Inn, please hold.

Uh, so, are you supposed to be Ben Franklin?

Because if Ben Franklin had just been alive this whole time,

he would know what phones are. I mean, he was really smart.

Well, that is very kind of you to say that I am smart.

Yeah, but if you don't know about phones, then what?

You're just like a ghost of Ben Franklin, who’s somehow stuck in the 1600s?

- 1700s. - And if you are stuck in the past,

then your inn should not have all this modern stuff. But it does.

I mean, it makes no sense. So, which is it? What are you?

I... am Ben Franklin.

Then why don't you have wooden teeth like George Washington?

- Jenny. - And... lifting.

- Can you just let him be Ben Franklin? - In my family, we have wrinkly foreheads.

I just want to let you know, sir, that you're doing a great job.

- Thank you. - Good.

Well, he's using a computer. How very 17th century.

- Eighteenth century. - What?

Even though your time is limited

in our wonderful capital of the United States of America,

which is how I know it. I, Ben Franklin, know it.

If you need any help, don't hesitate to call.

- On the phone? - Yes. On the phone.

Future’s greatest gift.

Tina!

Would you please show our guests to their chambers?

Please take more time putting your hat on.

Just take your time. Tina from the temp agency.

Scooch, scooch.

Welcome to the Betsy Ross suite.

Oh, can you take this? Thank you.

Right. Cute.

Jenny, we’re too old to share a bed.

Speak for yourself, Ben Franklin. The thirties are the new twenties.

Since when are you in your thirties?

Oh, since I did a guess-my-age filter and it said thirty...

nine.

You know, this place sucks. Let's go to a real hotel.

They have to have rooms they keep open just in case.

- I'll get them to give us one. - How?

Oh, I am amazing at getting stuff.

I get really emotional and talk a lot, so they get confused,

and then they're willing to do whatever they can to make it stop.

See, just one second. Like this.

Please! Oh, my God!

I know you’re only serving the breakfast menu,

but my husband needs fries!

He has a rare kidney condition, and if he doesn’t get salt, he’ll die!

I’m too young to be a widow! I’m only 39.

See? Works every time.

You would publicly humiliate yourself just to eat fries at breakfast?

How is that humiliating?

- Oh! - What?

There's no TV. I can't watch the Quiz.

Wait. Annie, where are you going? Annie!

Yeah, but right now? I mean, is it such an emergency?

I can't miss it. I've watched it every day since I was four.

Wait. You’ve never skipped a night?

Neither has Terry. Nothing stops him.

Not whiplash.

Somewhere-- Get the first question.

- ...country that... - An earthquake.

...borders Switzerland.

- A swarm of bees. - The answer is Mr. Potato Head.

Not even Frat Week!

...which is, uh, one of the Twin Cities.

Annie, what about, um...

- Hurry. It's probably starting! - Jeez! Uh, are you...?

Excuse me? Sir...

- Try again. - Excuse me.

Hey! Would you mind changing the channel to the Quiz?

Holy shit. It's the Quiz Lady.

Oh, no. I think you have me confused for another Asian lady.

Then why'd she ask to change the channel to the Quiz?

Put it on. I wanna see if she know all that stuff.

- 'Cause that video could have been fake. - Fake?

Yeah, right. Like, 100 bucks says she gets them all right.

Ooh! All right. Not like I care about this game.

Darryl, shut your hole. Phils are at bat.

- Whoa! Whoa! - What are you doing?

Making some money.

- Hey, everybody! - I'm trying to watch the game!

The Quiz Lady's here. And she wants to play some Quiz.

Hundred bucks says she gets them all right.

- All we need is one TV. What do you say? - Get down!

- Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! - Jenny! Stop chanting!

Chanting always works. Quiz! Quiz!

- Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! - I see you.

- Quiz! Quiz! - Stop! These are people

who punch police horses when they’re happy!

Hey, that’s a stereotype, okay? That happened two separate occasions.

- Okay! Okay. - Come on!

I’m not sitting down until I see Terry McTeer’s face on this TV.

I don't care what you throw...

Is the TV okay?

It was nice of that guy to drive us.

You know, Phillies fans get a bad rap, but deep down they’re nice.

Sometimes stereotypes are wrong.

They're always wrong.

Hmm.

It's funny, the word “stereotype” has a fascinating etymology

that I was reading about earlier-- Good Lord!

How are you not in a massive amount of pain right now?

Oh, this happens all the time.

Ever since I tried to catch a foul ball at that World Series game.

When I was dating Sammy.

Anyway, it hurts when it pops out,

and when it goes back in, but in between, it’s not that bad.

That is not just dislocated. That is definitely broken.

Oh, no, it's not. I bet you, I could pop it back in myself.

- No. - Okay, but now, it’s gonna...

- Okay. God! - Jenny.

God! Did you hear that? That was actually...

- That was a crack! - A little bit.

- No, I can't. - I’m gonna try it again. Wait.

I can’t. It goes so far back!

- Really? But it's... - It goes so far back.

- Does that gross you out? - I’m gonna throw up!

- Jenny! - Okay. Okay.

- Can you put the ice pack on it... - Okay. Okay.

...to cover it, so I don’t have to look at it?

'Cause you’re scared of my wrist.

Really, it doesn’t hurt that much.

Too bad cousin Jin isn't here.

Fix that up for you.

"Jin is the best..."

"He's the best surgeon in the world."

Do you remember that summer in California? He was so into skateboarding

- but he was terrible at it. - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, that was the best summer. - Right?

Oh, my God, when we hit the freeway...

Oh, I knew I found my destiny...

Burbank.

♪ It ain't no joke I'd like to buy the world a toke ♪

♪ And teach the world... ♪

Everything just felt so possible.

The world was big and bright, and everyone was getting along.

No one was yelling at me to turn down my music or get a job.

For the first time, I felt like I belonged.

Too bad they hated us and never invited us back.

Yeah.

I always hated being around them.

They were so intimidating.

When we went to go stay with them, I was so nervous...

that I didn't shit for, like, the whole month we were there.

So, one night, I woke up with just...

the gurgles. You know what I mean? And...

I was so scared that maybe they would, like, hear it or that I’d clog the toilet

or, like, something would happen.

So, I went out in the backyard...

and I dug a little hole...

and I shit in there.

That's how unwelcome I felt in that house.

I never told anyone about that.

It was all too much.

The way that they would look at us like we were... trash.

No, they... They wanted to help, that's why they let us stay there.

They didn’t even talk about Dad.

They were so embarrassed about how he died.

Divorced, broke...

falling off a singles’ cruise because he was trying to do

the “king of the world” thing from Titanic.

Drowning in the Caribbean. Like a... sad loser.

Don’t say that. He wasn't a loser. He was...

Jennifer Yum.

Well, good news.

Doesn't seem to be broken.

- Just dislocated. - Mm.

- I can just go ahead and... - Oh!

- Hmm? - Oh, wow! I told you.

How can I ever thank you for saving my wrist?

Oh, it's quite all right.

- Maybe, like, a drink later? - Well, I'm married. And gay.

Why’d you have to say two reasons?

- Oh, my God. - What? What... What’s wrong?

Ken. He sent me a video.

Give it to me. I’ll look at it.

Mr. Linguini's getting nice and comfortable over here.

The longer you take to pay me back, the happier he is with me.

We’re calling him Porky now. Isn’t that right, Mr. Porky?

Want some wagyu?

“Don’t mind if I do.”

That’s how I picture him sounding if he could talk.

You’re running out of time.

He’s gonna make it so Linguini never wants to leave.

Oh, that’s kinda brilliant. Uh, in a bad way.

In a bad-- Hey.

Hey, hey, hey! It's gonna be okay.

- Linguini. - We are gonna get him back, I promise.

Don’t look at your phone.

Do you have a laptop or something? ‘Cause I can't sleep without noise.

Yeah, in that blue bag.

Ah, whoo! Pop!

- When did you get this? 1970? - Chad gave it to me.

He was with the CIA, so you know it’s powerful.

- Who is Chad? - Oh, you remember Chad.

I mean, aren’t you supposed to have a great memory?

Yeah, for things of note.

Oh, well. I remember everyone you've ever dated

since it was just that one weird kid who was so pale

he was practically see-through.

Francoise was not see-through.

Yeah, well. It was like someone Saran-wrapped a skeleton.

- Ooh, Kahi Bounce Balm? - No.

Are you sure? It’s Korean.

And also, Francoise and I weren’t dating, we were just friends.

It wasn’t his fault that he was allergic to the sun.

- What are you doing? - I want space.

Ah, okay. Well, I sleep with two pillows.

- Thank you very much. Yes, I do. - Do you sleep with two pillows?

Because you can sleep with two pillows on the floor.

I’m sorry, I’m injured, I'm not sleeping on the floor.

- I'm not sleeping on the floor, either. - Then sleep on the chair.

I don't wanna sleep in a sitting position.

Oh, my God. What is the big deal?

- We used to sleep together all the time. - Yeah, 20 years ago, before you left.

Fine, pillow wall.

All right, you know what? This is not half, by the way.

Yes, it is.

I know you're really nervous about tomorrow.

But is there at least a small part of you that's excited?

Maybe.

A little bit.

You are gonna be great.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. Are all three of you librarians?

Linguini?

Linguini! Linguini, come here!

- Linguini! - Linguini!

Annie.

Annie, wake up.

It’s audition day.

It’s so cold.

It says,

"Report to the Liberty Conference Room."

Jesus, this city is, like, obsessed with freedom.

Annie. Annie. Annie. Annie. Okay.

Okay. Look at me. How are you feeling? How are you feeling?

Bad.

- Okay. - I can't do this.

- Yeah, yes, yes. - Am I sweating?

Um... yeah. You know what?

Put your arms down. Just put your arms down.

Okay, good. Deep breath, deep breath. One deep breath. Okay, you know what?

- I can’t do this. - Yes, you can!

- Mm-mm. - No! Yes, you can.

Annie. Yes, yes, yes. You know why?

Because you're strong.

Yeah? Okay. All right, let’s go. Let’s go! Strong girl. Strong girl.

- Hey! - Hi! Oh, you must be here to audition.

- Thank you. - Have a seat.

Yep.

Take it, take it. Sit down. Okay.

All right. It’s all good. So exciting.

There’s too many people here.

Oh, don’t think about them.

Just focus on the fact that you need this money to save Mr. Linguini's life.

That’s not helping.

I can't do this. I can’t go on the show.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm gonna end up like Marybeth Windlemore!

Who’s Marybeth Windlemore?

The lowest-scoring contestant of all time.

She barely made it through the Head to Head, and then she just froze.

Martha Stewart.

No... No. I mean... Betty White.

US First Ladies. Focus on the topic.

Nancy Sta... Stalin.

Oh!

And the internet was so mean to her.

People hate it when women are bad at things.

You're not gonna be bad. You're gonna be great.

People don’t like it when women are good at things, either!

And the only reason why I'm good is because I'm at home.

It's just me and Linguini.

I-- I-- I can’t play in front of all these people.

I-- I-- I think we should just sell my eggs.

No, no, no, no. No. Annie, look at me.

Look at me. Annie, look at me.

- Mm? - It's gonna be okay.

It’s just an audition. Come on. We made it all this way.

We gotta try, huh?

- Just sit there. Breathe. - Please.

Okay? I’ll fill this out! All right? Just sit there.

Today’s date. I don’t know. Tuesday? Tuesday.

Um, your name. Okay.

Anne Yum. Anne, do you wanna use Anne or Annie...

♪ So mad, I'm an angry girl... ♪

Hey! Hey!

Get back here you sneaky, little bitch! Annie!

Don’t you... I told you I ran track!

Rugburn!

- Why are you ruining this? - Is everything okay?

Oh, we're fine. Thank you.

I am not fine.

- My armpits are like Niagara Falls! - Okay, just wait. Wait!

Okay, get up. Get up! Here. Here, here, here, here.

Come on. God, you are wet underneath there.

Jesus. Okay, here. Just, you know, put this on so no one can see.

- What is it? - It’s a hoodie.

Okay. It's gonna be okay.

You're having a panic attack. We just need to get through it.

How?

Well, we're running short on time so, um...

do you want drugs?

- What? - Do you want drugs?

- I can’t... - Drugs! For your anxiety!

You have drugs?

Oh, yeah. I got a ton of stuff.

Um... I've got party pills, Zen pills, fun stuff--

Is that cocaine?

It's stevia. Do you ever use stevia?

The sweetener? Yeah. Yeah, I’ve got it in my pocket.

God. You need this. Doctors prescribe these.

Okay, well, not these exactly. These are from the street

but they will help relax you a little.

CSQ auditions begin in three minutes.

All entrants report to the Liberty Conference Room.

Okay. For Linguini.

Great. Hold this. Got some water in here somewhere.

I think... Okay. And only take a quarter because...

Because what?

- Because what? Because what? - Because. Because I want some.

And now, you ate them all. Okay, let’s go. Let’s go.

- Thank you. - Thirty-one!

- Now, you look like you have a bowl cut. - No, I don't.

Okay, pretty, pretty, right? Right?

- How you feeling? - Anne Yum, are you here?

- The same! - Oh, yes, yes. We're here. We're here!

She just had a little ladies' thing

- in the ladies' room, so-- - Oh, okay.

Oh, no, no. It's not for me. It's for my sister, Anne. Anne Yum.

- You want her here now? - Yeah.

When are these drugs gonna kick in?

♪ Watermelon sugar ♪

♪ Strawberries ♪

♪ On a summer evenin' ♪

♪ Baby, you're the end of June... ♪

Hi, Anne!

♪... I want your belly ♪

♪ And that summer feelin' ♪

♪ Getting washed away in you ♪

♪ Breathe me in, breathe me out ♪

♪ I don't know if I could ever go without ♪

♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

♪ Watermelon sugar high... ♪

Annie.

♪ ...Watermelon sugar high ♪

♪ Watermelon sugar... ♪

- Hi, Annie! - Hi, Annie!

♪ Watermelon sugar high... ♪

Annie!

Hi!

Close your mouth, you look insane.

All right, for today's audition,

everyone is going to get a chance to play all three rounds.

We will start with the Blitz.

- Hi! I love your bangs. - Please don't make her go first.

Please don't make her go first.

- Angela Jackson. Come on up. - Close your mouth. Close your mouth.

- Charles Von Kampf and... - Annie.

- ...Anne Yum. - Oh, shit! Anne.

Anne, it's your turn to play.

♪ ...High, watermelon sugar... ♪

Bye. Good. Bye. Bye.

Okay, so you're gonna take a seat and then we're gonna look

at our categories.

Film, Italian literature, language,

- museums, physics, world history... - Don't wanna sit on it wrong.

- ...home gardening. - Jeez.

Entomology and weather.

So soft. Do you realize-- You feel how soft it is?

Okay, so we have five minutes on the clock.

And your time starts now.

What was the first film to gross over a billion dollars worldwide?

- Angela. - Titanic.

- Yes. The majority of weather... - Wake up!

...occurs in which atmospheric layer?

Angela.

- Troposphere. - Correct.

- What is the deadliest insect? - Annie!

- Mosquito. - You nailed it.

What is the oldest written language?

Charles.

- Sumerian. - Yes.

Look at you, Father Time.

What's that, Miss Yum?

Mm. What are you doing?

- Miss Yum? - Hmm.

Is everything all right, Miss Yum?

Who was the first president to be photographed

at their inauguration?

- Abraham Lincoln. - Yes. Correct.

Oh! Do you know that because you were there?

Miss Yum, you... you doing okay?

- Shit! Shit! - Oh. I'm just kinda hot.

- I think I might just... - Okay.

- ...take this off because I don't... - Bingo.

- The sleeves. It’s hot in here. - Up, up!

- Whoa, that's tight. - Sorry. Sorry. My bad, my bad, my bad.

I forgot to give her her diabetes medication.

- You got popcorn? - No, no, I don't have popcorn.

- Put this down. Hey, hey. - Hi, Jenny.

When she doesn't take it, she gets drowsy, so...

Drowsiness can't be solved by diabetes medication.

- Are you a doctor? - Yes.

- A diabetes doctor? - Yes.

Well, this is Eastern medicine, so get with the times, Big Pharma.

Annie, take your medicine.

That... that... that's good.

Okay, now, swallow.

Swallow.

- Now, swallow, swallow. Great. - Annie, now you can play.

Our next question is in the sciences.

What is the only element...

...that can exist without...

...neutrons?

- H... hydrogen. - Correct.

What is the smallest bone in the human body?

You have to get them all, Anne. Or else we'll die!

It's the stapes!

The stapes! The stapes!

Yes. C... correct.

Yes! Just gotta keep this up for a couple more hours.

- Oh, God! - Anne?

Correct!

- Oh, no! - You got it.

Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Yes!

No, no! Are you seeing this?

Okay, and one for Anne.

Best Picture Oscar winners.

- I'mma do it in order if that's okay. - Oh, you don't have to...

Wings, Broadway Melody, All Quiet on the Western Front,

Cimarron, Grand Hotel...

...Cavalcade, It Happened One Night, Mutiny on the Bounty, The Great Ziegfeld,

- Time! - All About Eve.

- An American in Paris. - Okay, your time is up.

The Greatest Show on Earth, Birdman, Spotlight, Moonlight, Shape of Water,

Green Book, Parasite, Nomadland, CODA!

Oh, hello!

- Okay! - I'm sorry.

Okay. That was amazing.

I had no idea you've seen all those movies!

I haven't. I feel like my heart's gonna explode.

Okay? Um. You know what? Here's something. Eat something. Eat this.

Uh. It might take the edge off.

You know what? I have some... I have some water in here too.

So, maybe-- Okay, okay. You know what?

That's good. Take a moment.

Take a moment. Breathe.

God, it's like you're a boxer or something! This is so exciting!

Okay. Okay. There's just, like, what?

The Coin?

Oh, God. The Coin!

I know, it looks a lot bigger on TV.

Heads is "Say It" and tails is "Show It!

And it's heads!

Yes! Victory is mine!

And I feel so relieved because I can win now,

and the clouds above won't die.

Yes, yes. The clouds won't die. They're gonna live.

It's an old Chinese saying, you know?

- Yeah. Blessings. - Ah!

Okay. Here we are, here we are.

- Step down, step down, and down. - The metal chariot.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. Not... Not that. - I don't go in the trunk?

- Shotgun. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, okay. All right. - Well, at least I did it.

Uh. You didn't just do it, Annie. You crushed that audition.

Okay? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just get in, get in.

Wanna get your leg in? Okay, there we go. She's in, she's in.

- Not kidnapping her, are you? - Not anymore.

Ah!

Surprising that you have Eggs Benedict here.

Yeah! Oh, yes! Pains me to serve a dish named after a traitor.

Alas, it's a popular item which the ignorant expect on every buffet.

And herein lies my conundrum.

Sounds like you might need to make a pro-con list.

Oh! Look at you, Miss Yum.

You have read my 1772 letter to Joseph Priestly, have you not?

- Well... - That's wonderful.

- Annie! - Uh-oh, the enemy.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The Quiz just emailed.

They said to expect a call soon.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

- I'm... I'm... I'm gonna be on the show. - And you thought I could not be Oprah.

Well, too bad

the Choochie's money isn't real.

You'd be flying around the world like Mary Poppins

- with that gigantic unnecessary bag. - Mm-hmm.

- Well... - What?

Um. I lied about the Choochie's money.

- Yeah, I know. - No, no, no, no.

I lied about lying about the Choochie's money.

It's totally real!

I'm getting a giant check, just like on TV.

- I made them put that in the contract. - But...

I'm sorry. Uh. Wh... what are you saying?

Oh, I knew that the only way that you would do this is if you thought

it was the only way.

Life coaching.

Yeah, but we could've paid off the debt and I could have Linguini back.

Yeah, but I told you that the money hasn't come in yet.

Oh, my God!

- Even your lies are lies. - I'm not lying.

You always do this.

You don't think about the consequences of your actions.

Mr. Linguini is everything to me, and to you, he's just a pawn.

- I thought you were trying to help me. - I am.

I'm helping you get him back while also seizing your destiny!

- Oh, my God, destiny isn't real! - Yes, it is. We all have a purpose.

We just need to find it.

No. See, that's just a lie that you tell yourself

because you're just chasing these stupid dreams,

then blaming whatever you can when they don't work out.

But the truth is, it's you. You're selfish. You're reckless.

- You are just like Mom! - Don't say that!

Just take some responsibility for your life.

Stop being such a goddamn loser.

You're the loser!

Yes, I am lonely and currently unhoused...

...and my life hasn't turned out exactly the way I wanted.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an Asian woman in this country?

- Oh, my God! - But at least I've lived!

What have you done with your life?

I mean, you just, like, hide out in your robot house

just while watching the Quiz, watching the Quiz.

Yeah, and take care of Mom and lend you money, and support myself.

I am responsible for everything!

- Excuse me, ladies, if you don't mind-- - Fuck off, Ben Franklin!

I absolutely will.

You're the older sister, you're supposed to help me.

But you never have, you were never there. All you care about is yourself!

That is not true. I was always looking out for you.

Yeah? When?

In Burbank! When you shit in the goddamn hole!

You didn't bury it deep enough.

So, the next day,

when So-Yung and Na-Yung and I got back from Starbucks...

Appa said you can live with us and you can come with me

to UCLA next year!

- And we can start our fashion line! - Yeah!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jenny!

Uh. Guys.

- Come here. You gotta see this. - Cousin Jin found it.

- Ew! - Tiger, did you do this?

- How could that come out of Tiger? - Well, then who did it?

I knew right away it was you.

And it was just a matter of time before they figured it out.

So, I told them I did it.

Ew!

Uncle Joon was gonna let us live with them in Burbank

'cause Mom was, like, on a bender. But everything changed after that.

I mean, do... do you know how insane an 18-year-old would have to be

to shit in a hole?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you were eight.

Asshole!

Anne, where is my 100 bucks?

Anne...

You... you... you... you wanna come in?

Come on.

Here.

I didn't know you were a Pee-wee Herman fan.

Who the hell is Pee-wee Herman?

P-- Uh.

That's Alan Cumming from The Good Wife. Such a wonderful actor.

And that Scottish accent of his.

That's not Alan Cumming, that's P-- That's Paul Reubens.

He plays Pee-wee... Herman.

I think I would know who my favorite actor is,

thank you very much. That is Alan Cumming.

Mm-hmm.

So, what's wrong with you?

I just...

I thought I was happy.

And maybe I wasn't.

I've just been so scared.

You know, scared of... of being judged, being laughed at.

When I was younger, I wasted so much energy

trying to get people to like me.

And for what? Hmm?

So, I could get invited to some potluck dinner party?

- And terrible games of charades? - Ugh. I hate charades.

Oh, I love charades. I am an excellent guesser.

So long as the person who's acting out the clues is not a total imbecile,

which they usually are.

I've been alive a long time.

I've met a lot of people.

I only liked one.

Was it me?

No. You get too much mail.

The point is... ...you don't want to waste time

looking for happiness in other people...

because happiness...

happiness... does not exist.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Judge Judy.

Next up, she's the voice you trust.

- Hello? - Hi!

We wanna put Anne on Can't Stop the Quiz. Can she fly out ASAP?

Um. I'm sorry. I'm no longer part of her journey.

So, you'll have to call her directly.

Um. I'm sorry, journey? Where is she go...

Internal auditing.

Hi! Is this Anne Yum?

Yes.

This is Mercedes from the Quiz.

Great news! We'd love to have you on the show!

- Any chance you could fly out tonight? - Tonight?

- Okay. You’re gonna regret... - Yeah, I know it's last minute...

I'm telling you...

...but we'd love to capitalize on the buzz from your video.

I can't really hear you. Hold on one sec.

- Oh, my God. Obsessed with the neti pot. - I got you one for Christmas for a reason.

God!

Uh. Do you guys, like, have to eat here? Or, like, is there another...

- This is our spot, Fran. - Yeah, it's kinda great.

‘Cause then the food smell stays over here,

- not at our desks. - Yeah. I know, I know.

- No one's here, like... - Yeah.

- You're sweating. - It's really spicy.

Hello?

- Sorry about that, I just... - And we need the information

for whoever you wanna bring

...as your partner.

I'm so sorry about that. I just had-- Sorry, one second. I just...

Like, I'm, like, dripping, my back is dripping sweat.

Hey!

I am sick of being treated like some silent, invisible man.

I exist! And I know that you guys don't see me around the office.

But you're gonna see me tomorrow night on television.

Book it, Mercedes!

♪ Balls hanging low while I pop a bottle off a yacht ♪

♪ Chain swanging cling-clang and it cost a lot ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm always at the guala, yeah and you are not ♪

♪ Badass B keep on going 'til you hit the spot ♪

♪ Whoa, I'm a big bag hunter with the bow... ♪

- I'm coming for you, Linguini. - ♪ She got a big bad dumper, drop it low ♪

♪ Mama called me and she happy with the growth ♪

♪ Never ever fold for a thottie that's an oath ♪

♪ Just popped her kidney I bought a million options of the stock ♪

♪ Man, I rock arenas, bringin' the peace I'm bumpin' that 'Pac in the car ♪

♪ Pretendin' I got all the eyes on me got a bad baby... ♪

Hi.

- Danielle! - Wendy.

- Wendy! - I wanted to give you this as a thank you.

For what?

You inspired me. I convinced my boss to let me take over the pastries.

- What? - You changed my life, Janet.

It's Jenny.

Raspberry fennel.

♪ Feel so hot like I'm chillin' on the beach ♪

♪ Yeah, baby in the sun like the Teletubbies ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm a big bag hunter with the bow ♪

♪ She got a big bad dumper, drop it low ♪

♪ Mama called me and she happy with the growth ♪

♪ Never ever fold for a thottie that's an oath ♪

Hey, girls. That's enough.

- What now? - I need you to come with me to California.

- What are you vaping? No! - No. I need a partner

in case the coin flip lands on "Show It" and I don't have anybody else.

Well, what the hell is "Show It"?

You are strong.

♪ Better get that brass ready, huh Here we go, hey ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪ - ♪ Shake that brass, stop ♪

I'm here to see Ken.

♪ Get on the floor, shake that brass ♪

♪ I get down, down, baby ♪

♪ Shake that brass ♪

Who the hell is this?

Crystal's other daughter.

- How'd you find me? - My ex-boyfriend's CIA.

Coming here was a big mistake.

I will get you the money, but first, you're gonna give me back that dog.

Actually, we're gonna break your arms.

I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll pay you double. I swear, I swear.

I'm about to get a very large cash settlement from Choochie's!

You know, Choochie's,

the nationwide chain.

Oh, my God, you're so sweaty.

You're just like your mom.

- That crazy crying. That screaming. - No, no, no!

You really think you're gonna bail her out with that same bullshit?

I am not my mom. And I am not here for her.

I'm here for Anne,

and that dog has been by her side for the last 20 years.

- What? How old is he? - Old!

Yes, Annie is an anxious, sweaty little weirdo,

but she is my sister. And she needs me.

So, I need that dog.

Just like you need my money.

Oh, I've done my research, right?

We Asians like our research, right?

And you're, like, what, six months behind on rent? Oh.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Did you... did you boys not know?

Shame. Where did all of the money go, hmm? Up your nose? On your tats?

- In your man buns? - It's the dogs.

These people, they're monsters.

Half of them never come back for their dogs.

Oh, and the purebreds, they have issues, you know?

Skin problems, kidney problems, anxiety.

My poor Crispy over there needs constant attention or he gets sad.

I'm all they've got.

Give me back Linguini, and when my big, fat Choochie's check comes in,

I'll solve all your money problems.

Do we have a deal?

Nope.

She took my dog!

♪ Shake that brass ♪

- ♪ Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho ♪ - ♪ Yeah, uh-huh ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Hey, ho... ♪

Get them, you idiots! That's my dog! Porky! Porky!

Francine!

Jesus! Why is this going so fast? A person could get killed in this.

- Gotta keep up. - Okay, all right.

Francine.

Hi. I... have a plus one.

So glad you all found the place okay.

Now, if you'll follow me, I'll show you to the green room.

I don't care what color it is as long as there's a chair in it.

For sure. And, Anne, we're gonna get you into hair and makeup.

Isn't that amazing?

You know he's never worn the same one twice.

What is the lightest element...

- I want a divorce! - ...on the periodic table?

What? You've never seen a tie before? Let's go.

We're on in ten.

You're all mic'd up.

Getting closer, people.

Getting closer.

Get away from my makeup. Just kidding. Hi, I'm Ron. How are you?

Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand but...

Anyway. How was your flight? Great?

- Great. Listen, I want to apologize. - Big night, Ron.

- You got this! - Why?

Uh. Well, because-- Well, you're obviously a huge fan of the show,

and I just think it's a bummer that you finally get to be here,

and tonight's gonna be all about me winning the 84th game,

becoming the longest running champion. I'm very sorry. It's very unfair to you.

Do you wanna be Terry?

Is that why you're always tryna act nice 'cause you wanna take over the show?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Terry is beloved by the entire world.

I'd be insane to try to think I could fill his shoes.

And I'm not pretending to be nice.

I really am nice. Ask anybody here.

- I'm nice. - Sure thing, Ron.

Well, anyhow, I'll let you get to it.

I know you gotta get through hair and makeup.

I already went through hair and makeup.

Well, then you missed a spot. And I'll let you change and, uh--

Hey! Speak of the devil, or the angel.

Hi, Anne. I'm Terry.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to the show.

- Your video was very impressive. - Freakishly great.

Hi, Ron.

Two minutes. Places, everyone.

- Okay, see you on stage. - Thank you.

Remember, we're here to learn and have fun.

Don't worry about winning.

I have to win to save my dog.

I have no idea what that means, but I'll see you out there!

Here he is, folks, Terry McTeer.

We love you, Terry!

Hello, folks. Ready to learn and have some fun?

Come on up.

Places, everybody. Places.

- We love you! - You got this!

- All right! - Yes!

Standby lights to half.

It's seven o'clock on a weeknight, you know what that means. It's time for...

Can't Stop the Quiz!

Come on, Quiz Lady. Let's do this.

Godspeed, Miss Yum.

I swear, they changed the breading on these mozzarella sticks again.

- Let's meet tonight's contestants. - Shit!

Of course, we all know our returning champion, Ron Heacock,

who's going for the record tonight.

Oh, is that tonight?

And I see you've stolen my look.

Well, it's a big night, Terry. I wanted to honor you.

- Aw! - Well, thank you.

Also, joining us tonight is someone you might recognize

from your computers, the famous Quiz Lady. Welcome, Anne.

Thanks, Dad.

- I'm sorry? - What?

Welcome.

And welcome Leah from Guam. What a journey. Best of luck.

Let's see tonight's categories.

Music, books, life science, sports,

fun and games, mechanics...

...food and drink, geology, and language.

May I have five minutes on the clock, please?

And your time starts now!

The Striding Man is the logo

- of what spirits company? - Johnnie...

Ron.

Johnnie Walker.

Correct. Who wrote Jane Eyre?

- Leah. - Emily Brontë.

Oh, no.

Ron?

Actually, it was Charlotte Brontë.

The hot one.

- Correct. - Oh...

What does an oologist study?

Animals.

Oh, no.

- Ron? - Eggs.

Yes, correct.

- You said "oologist" on that one? - I did.

- Oh, I-- ' Cause I heard... - She's blowing it.

- Oo... Oologist. - Mm. Mm-hmm.

What NBA team holds the record

- for most wins in a season? - The Warriors!

- Ron. - Golden State Warriors.

Correct.

Go Splash Brothers. Hi, Steph.

- I hope he's watching. - Oh, he is.

Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron.

Ron's on a hot streak!

Come on. Come on.

What qualitative scale is used to rate minerals

in terms of scratch resistance?

- Anne. - Mohs Hardness Scale!

Correct!

What is the only mammal that can't...

Gosh, I guess we'll never know. That's a shame. I love the animal ones.

Well, Leah, goodbye.

When we return, Ron and Anne will compete head-to-head.

Don't go anywhere, I know I won't.

And we're out.

Resetting. Let's clear the stage for Head to Head.

Touch-ups.

More contour, I want tight little piano fingers.

Are you okay? You seem deeply unwell.

Get off of me. I need to get in there.

- It's an emergency. - Hey, lady. Stop!

- Oh, no. - I'll sue you into oblivion.

'Cause he's a service dog and he keeps me from fainting.

- Hey... - Linguini...

Linguini...

Come.

I missed you so much.

Oh, my boy.

Oh. Is that-- Oh, he smells good. And he seems like he's been eating.

And I can't... I can't believe you... you... you... you...

...you got him back.

And it's so good that you did because there's no chance I'm winning.

Quick, create a distraction, let's do the fries thing.

- No, no, no. - Just let me...

I'm not letting you run away from this.

You can do this. You know why?

- Because I'm strong. - Because you know this game,

just like you know literally everything else.

So, play the same way you always have. Like a winner.

Thirty seconds, everybody.

Oh, you smell so good. You're so cute. You're such a big boy.

You can't have a dog up here. Right?

Well, uh...

You know what? I want him with me and I don't care if that's weird.

I-- Is it... is it okay that he's with me?

- Places, everybody. - Oh, is it okay-- Gosh, I don't know.

No one's ever asked that before.

Uh. Let me ask. Uh. Uh.

- Glenn, can she have... - No! We're live in 15.

Glenn says "no."

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, doggy.

Um. Hey, everybody!

The Quiz Lady should have her famous Quiz Dog with her, right?

Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!

- Yeah! Yeah! - Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!

- Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! - Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!

- Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! - Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!

Fine, the dog can stay!

Chanting always works.

That was thrilling. It's like we were in a musical.

And we're live!

- I got Linguini. - No kidding.

Welcome back.

For the Head to Head, we have a special guest joining us.

Mr. Linguini. Hello, sir.

- And thank you for your service. - Aw!

You know, pugs are the official dog of the House of Orange,

- in the Netherlands. And in 1572 of-- - Ron, I... I'm sorry. Can't stop the quiz.

- Can't. - Please select Anne's first category.

Hmm. How about sports?

Sports it is.

Anne, please list for us NFL teams

- with more than one Super Bowl win. - Shit.

Your time starts now.

Steelers, Patriots, 49ers, Cowboys...

...Giants, Packers,

Broncos, Raiders, Chiefs...

...Colts, Ravens,

Dolphins, Rams, Washington...

...Buccaneers.

It's a comeback jawn!

All right. Ron, now to you.

Please list for us the geological eras of Earth.

My pleasure. Cenozoic, Mesozoic...

- ...Paleozoic, Mesoproterozoic... - What does-- Who cares?

...uh, Neoarchean, Mesoarchean...

...Alan-archean. Just kidding.

One syllable words with no rhymes. Wow.

Whilst, angst, cusp, breadth...

- ...ninth, glimpsed, sculpts... - Good.

- ...Goonch, twelfth. -"Goonch." Oh...

God, I wish I had a service dog up here. Hey, how about it, everybody?

"Ron's dog! Ron's dog!"

Playable characters in Mario Kart 64. This is fun.

Mario, Luigi...

...Princess Peach, for the women...

...Donkey Kong, and uh, Koopa Troopa.

- Bowser, moron. - You suck, Ron!

Cruciferous vegetables.

Broccoli, cauliflower, horseradish, kale...

...cabbage, kohlrabi, bok choy.

Beethoven, Mozart...

...Salieri, Strauss.

Right. He's Romantic era,

which one could argue still is classical music.

Anyhow, now, may I, uh...

Come here. Oh...

- Okay. - Hmm.

Hide and seek. Haydn!

It works!

- Such a jerk. - And for the bonus round, simple machines.

Lever, pulley, wedge, screw...

...wheel and axle, inclined plane.

And that's all of them! You finished with 24 seconds remaining,

which means you get a bonus

of 12,000 dollars. I believe that's a new record.

- Is that right? - Can we check on that?

- Yeah. - Checking. What is that?

I don't-- It is? It is!

That is the highest bonus

in the history of the show.

- Way to go, Annie! - Congratulations, Anne!

Whoo!

- Oh, huzzah! - Thank you.

What a comeback.

This is just like the classic sports film,

Mighty Ducks 2."Ducks fly together."

What a wonderful message. Have you seen it?

- I've seen it multiple times. - Oh...

Yes, it's in my top ten. It might be my top two.

I think it's my number one.

Will the comeback continue,

or will another record be broken tonight by Ron winning his 84th game?

It all depends on the final round.

Time for the flip.

Ron, you have the honors.

Whoo! Flip it!

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, one!

- Show it! - Oh...

Charades.

When we return, Anne and Ron will compete in "Show It."

And we're out.

"Show It" is where Heacock becomes a peacock.

Bart.

- Hmm. - How are you, buddy?

- All right, let's get in sync here. - Okay.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

No, I'm fine. It just got down the wrong pipe.

Uh-huh.

- I always thought you ate crackers... - No.

- ...between the commercials. - You caught me.

My wife, Cecilia, worries about my sugar intake,

so, I just... I just say they're crackers.

What are you hiding from, huh?

I don't know what I'm doing.

All those...

...people watching and...

I'm gonna lose.

You know...

...whenever I look at this bow tie right here,

it makes me think of one contestant from that night, Oscar from Texas.

We had a wonderful conversation about how he makes his own jams.

He tries these wild combinations, like blueberry rhubarb.

What? And he's like an artist, but with jams.

Oh! This was the night that Aparna from New Jersey

played her mandolin for us during the commercial break.

And that night, Mike from Maine brought me a snowball in a cooler

‘cause he... he remembered that I had said I... I missed New England winters.

Great guy. None of them actually won their games.

You know, like most contestants, they were just here for one night, but...

I don't think of them as failures.

I'm just glad I got a chance to talk to them,

and they... they got a chance to play.

Don't ruin what might be your only night here

by making it about winning or losing.

Just try to think of what you wanna remember.

As for me...

no matter who wins...

this one will always remind me of Anne from Pennsylvania

who brought her dog.

- There you are. We need you on stage. - Yeah, right away, Glenn.

Thank you so much.

It's Glenn's world and we're all just living in it, you know?

All right. Ready?

And legally, you have to allow service animals, but also,

it's the right thing to do, you know?

And you know what? Not only for Anne, but for society, as well.

Sure, it's just that it's clearly a fake vest, so...

I know, but what side of history do you wanna be on?

Okay, you can't pull that with me.

You know what? I think it's probably gonna be really great for ratings.

- You know what? - I wanna change my partner.

- What? - What?

I wanna play with my sister.

- Jenny. - You can't do that.

- Glenn, it's her game. I think she can. - What? Uh.

You want me to guess? But I don't know anything.

You know me.

And... and win or lose, we'll... we'll... we'll do it together.

- All right. Switch them. - I came all this way.

- I know, Fran. I'm so sorry about that. - Ma'am, this way.

Um. If I could get you and Mr. Linguini to a seat?

- Sorry, Francine. - Now, I have to watch

the rest of this shit.

She can't do that. You can't switch partners.

This is so unfair.

What are you gonna do next? Give her all the answers?

Welcome back.

I hope you enjoyed your break.

Joining us for the final round is Ron's friend, Bart,

and Anne's sister-- I'm sorry, I never got your name.

Oh, Jenny.

- Hi, Jenny, I'm Terry. - Oh, hello, Satan.

Ron and Bart are up first, so we'll ask Anne and Jenny

to step on the "Show It" coin.

Gentlemen, take your places. Best of luck.

I'm ready, Terry.

And your time starts now.

Book. Magazine. Mag.

- Shopping. Cart. Mag. - He's good.

Cart. Magna Carta. Hmm.

What's the Magna Carta?

Sky. Space.

Dog.

Shut up!

Stay.

Shun.

Space. Stay.

Shun. International Space Station.

How... how's that possible?

- Africa. - "Africa"?

Morocco.

- Kombucha! - Apple cider vinegar.

Oh.

Woman. Thatch. Margaret Thatcher.

Hmm.

And that's your time.

Ron, you got seven correct, which brings your total

to a whopping 61,000.

- Whoo! Heck yeah, bro. Whoo! - Hmm.

But one thing stands between you and victory.

Well, actually two, Anne and Jenny.

- Oh, boy. - Come on up. Let's switch places.

Beat that.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

- What? What? - Hmm.

Anne? Jenny?

- Yeah? - You need at least nine in order to win.

- Okay. - And your time starts now.

Okay, okay, okay, thinking, thinking.

Um. Um. A gathering. Uh. You have a-- You... you... you have some--

Uh. A... an ear... ear... ear... earache, earring, earring.

A gun in my ear? Earring gun. "I can't hear," you're deaf.

Uh. Okay, not-- No. Don't-- Not that. Um. A flying... a flying duck.

A duck... a duck. Uh. Something is moving. What?

What? Do... do something else. You're in jail, you can't get out.

You're The Hamburglar.

This is pathetic.

Do something else!

Just do something else!

Uh. It's a...

Uncle Dong?

Okay, Uncle Dong, Uncle Dong. Uncle-- Stock market.

Um. Okay. Um. Me? Me? Praying.

I'm praying, I'm praying. Uh-huh. Okay.

- And Kristi Yamaguchi! - Yes.

Yes.

Looking at a house. Okay, me, me, me, me.

Ketchup!

What?

Uh. Gross, gross. You, me, gross. Oh! The Beatles.

Yeah. Okay, uh, you, uh, banana.

Glue stick! Glue stick!

Oh, yeah, that's... that's me! That's cheesecake!

I like it too.

Uh. The... the sad dog from, uh, Homeward Bound.

Shadow. Yes! Yes!

Taking out the trash!

- Yes! - That... that was good.

Very good.

Come on, Quiz Lady!

One more.

Okay.

You are just, uh, so flinging. Oh, you're gonna be strong.

You are-- Muscle. Muscle. Muscle. You're like muscle... muscle lady.

Muscle. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Muscle. A bra-- A breastplate. Breast. Uh.

Uh. You're like a tiger woman. Oh! You... you're swimming. What is this?

Uh. Oh! Oh, yes. Uh. Okay, okay. I'm sweating, I'm sweating.

Okay. Okay. You, you, you.

You are... ...digging a hole.

Digging a hole, digging a hole, digging a hole.

And you...

shit in a hole?

Uh. Sh... shoot in a hole?

Shoot in a hole? Shoot in a hole. Okay. Me. Me and, uh, you.

You, me.

You. You.

Me.

Hero?

And time's up.

We have a new champion.

Whoo!

Quiz Lady is my best friend.

- My God! - No! No! No!

I'm very sorry, Terry. I'm very sorry to do this, everybody.

- She cheated. - What?

You brought in a dog, you changed partners at the last second.

They use some kind of ancient Chinese mind meld.

- Actual racism. - Just be honest with me, Terry.

You're threatened by me.

You wanted me to lose? He wanted me to lose.

Just lose with honor.

I can't... I can't... I can't. I am exciting. I'm fresh. I'm popping. I'm young.

And you're just a boring old man.

Acting like you invented...

...the bow tie.

I'll keep going.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- Yeah, I will say-- - I think you should stop.

In fact, I think you should buzz off, Ron.

- Ooh! - Would a boring old man say that?

Congratulations, Anne, you're our new Quiz Champion!

I'm sorry, Terry.

No. I... I-- Yeah.

Anne! Anne! Anne!

- Anne! Anne! Anne! - Join us tomorrow

for another night of fast facts and live learning.

I'm Terry McTeer, and I'll be right-- Oh!

I'll be right here.

Have a good night.

You did it!

- We did it. - Win! Win!

You bring me all this way...

...on the promise that I might get a chance to play charades...

...and it was all just a... charade.

Hey, if you're gonna be this miserable, can you just, like, die?

- Don't. - 'Cause you're ruining her moment.

Oh, moment. Look at the two of you, running around, searching for happiness.

It's just deranged.

Just accept the fact that nothing will make life better.

Life is, and always has been a... a...

...a miracle.

It's... it's... it's... it's, uh, it... it's...

- Who? - So sorry to bother you.

She's a huge fan of yours.

Uh. Maybe you can give her a ride in your golf cart.

- Uh. - Sh... she's gonna die soon.

- And she has this horrible disease... - It's...

...where her intestines grow like an invasive weed. It's everywhere.

- They kinda-- - Yeah, yeah, fine. Hop in.

She also thinks

you're the Scottish actor, Alan Cumming. Just play along with that.

You're excellent in The Good Wife.

You're so, so excellent.

- Ooh! What a bonnie lass. - Oh, my God!

- Who was that? - Play that bagpipe!

- Not Alan Cumming. - Oh, me pot o' gold. Lucky Charms!

That was a bloody good pudding. Glengarry...

Oh! Look at it. Oh! It's so beautiful.

Where's Burbank from here?

I think it's over there by the mountains.

Wow!

I always thought my destiny was out there.

Maybe it is.

Nah.

It's just Burbank.

I'm sorry, I left you to deal with Mom.

I'm sorry, I ruined our chance of living with the cool cousins.

- That was not your fault. - It was.

I mean, they always thought we were the losers of the family.

We kind of were.

Not today.

You're right. Not today.

- Not today! - Not today!

- Motherfuckers! - Oh, okay.

- I love you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Look, geese, geese!

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

I love you, Jenny.

I love you, Annie.

Thank you.

- Did you just say, "Thank you"? - What? Yeah. Why?

Come here. Come here, I'm touching you now.

- No! - You can't help it.

I'm so proud of you.

Okay.

You know, I, uh, I'm gonna have to stay in California for a while.

Oh! Look at the glow up.

Would you wanna stay with me?

Just ‘cause I feel like we make a pretty good team.

Uh. Yeah! We do!

Oh. I can finally, like, coordinate our outfits.

I have the most amazing sleeveless blazer, it's chartreuse.

- No. - It would be very slimming.

- I don't like sleeveless. - All you have to do

- is some pushups. - What do you mean?

You should work on your arms a little bit.

Are you trying to say that I'm out of shape or something?

Yeah.

I can't look at-- Leave it. No, no.

Let me have it, you go away, and let me look at it by myself.

Oh, my God, look at that.

♪ Lean on each other ♪

♪ When we need some extra strength ♪

♪ We'll never cave or we'll never waver ♪

♪ And we'll always become braver and braver ♪

Whoo!

♪ We'll dance like nobody's there we'll dance without any cares ♪

♪ We'll talk 'bout problems we share ♪

- Thanks so much. Well done. - ♪ We'll sing to people and show ♪

♪ What it means ♪

♪ To be young and growing up ♪

Make way. Make way.

Ooh! Hot, hot, hot! Ooh!

Yeah.

We should've done this family style.

Good eve. Welcome to the Ben Franklin Inn and Spa.

Oh!

What is that sound? Is it a chirping bird?

Ben Franklin Inn and Spa.

- Hmm. - ♪ I make as many good memories as I can ♪

♪ When there are nights I can't sleep it's okay in the end ♪

I'm sorry, that was horrible phrasing.

♪ I know what I do now makes me, me ♪

♪ Wherever we go, wherever we go, we ♪

♪ We'll dance like nobody's there we'll dance without any cares ♪

♪ We'll talk 'bout problems we share we'll talk 'bout things that ain't fair ♪

♪ We'll sing 'bout things we don't know we'll sing to people and show ♪

♪ What it means to be young and growing up ♪

♪ We'll take the good with the bad all of the times that we'll have ♪

♪ Make every moment last we'll have each other's backs ♪

♪ 'Cause in the end we don't know we don't know where we will go ♪

♪ We don't know so there's still a little more ♪

♪ Growing up ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Trust me, trust me, baby ♪

♪ Into the sky we can, we can, we can make it ♪

♪ I got it, you got it, we got it ♪

♪ I got this under control ♪

♪ You can, you can, you can call me together, unstoppable ♪

♪ I got it, you got it, we got it ♪