Original subtitles

(engaging orchestral music)

(car engine humming)

- [Dispatcher] Green Spring, seven to one.

Lazy Bone scratched to Larry, 14 to one, Eric's--

- All set, Lucky. - Okay.

- [Dispatcher] Trombone, 20 to one.

- Go to that place on Madison.

I want to open up that joint tomorrow at two.

Come on, I gotta go over on Park Avenue and open that place.

We're wearing a hat today.

You know, until I hired you as my double,

I didn't know how good looking I was.

- I hope he shows pretty soon.

There's nothing I hate like rushing to a train.

- Remember, he won't be the first one out.

He always sends Eddie out first, just in case.

- You told me.

- Yeah, yeah, but from 50 feet, you can't tell 'em apart.

You gotta watch it.

- I'm watching.

Hey, you get 'em in Kansas City.

I got a couple of 'em.

(car engines humming)

(gunshot blasting)

(pedestrians screaming)

- [Onlooker] Somebody get an ambulance!

(pedestrians chattering)

(door bangs)

- Good afternoon, Mr. Moran.

- Hi.

Don't you ever get lonesome out here?

Wouldn't you rather be inside?

- I'm in there often enough.

- Yeah, well, from now on you're gonna be in there

even more frequent.

A lot of things gonna be changed around here.

- Well, what do you mean, Mr. Moran?

- You'll find out.

Now, I think I'll step in there and try that chair for size.

(tongue clicks)

- What's the matter with you?

- Why, nothing.

I'm a little on edge.

Been with the dentist all afternoon.

- Better have a drink.

- Yeah.

- Can't use you, Big Ears.

- Oh, but Mr. Jordan, just give me a try.

I'll do anything.

- I got all the guys I need who will do anything.

Blow, you too.

Hey, Slip, how do you like him for a double?

- [Slip] I don't know, he's a little short.

- He's uglier than me,

but with a decent haircut and a little practice,

I think he'll do.

- What's the matter, you mad at Eddie?

- Mad at him?

I'm giving him a swell funeral.

- Oh, boss, you don't mean something happened to him?

- Yeah, he didn't know what hit him, but it did.

(tongue clicks)

- Know who did it?

- Somebody who knew enough to figure

that Eddie would come out first.

Just on a hunch this afternoon, I came out first.

Good thing I did, for me I mean.

What's your name?

- Angelo Palazzo.

- You're hired.

- Well, what am I supposed to do, Mr. Jordan?

- Oh, just dress like me and tag along wherever I go.

- Is that what this other man did?

You know, Eddie?

- Hey, Johnny, take him over to my tailor

and get him a wardrobe.

- Now, look here, Mr. Jordan, I didn't ask to come here.

He just brought me.

I got a job, setting up pins in a bowling alley.

It's a nice alley.

- You're lucky to get out of it.

Sooner or later, you're bound to get hit by a bowling ball.

- You know, boss, I never would forgive myself if something

had happened to you while I was sitting safe

in that dentist's chair.

- [Pearl] Mr. Higgins is here.

- Well, hello, Lucky.

Hello, Slip.

Hello.

- Well, did you fix it?

- Oh, fix, oh.

Oh, well, I think it's important

that you should know, Lucky. - Then you didn't.

- Well, you see, you can't go through the usual channels

in a thing like this.

- What kind of a lawyer are you anyway?

- Well, now, Lucky, you can't go offering bribes

to a draft board.

- You let 'em put me in the army?

- I tried everything.

I even tried to get you in 4F.

- What's that?

- Well, it's socially undesirable.

- What do you mean socially undesirable?

Dames like me.

Well, that's not exactly the connotation.

It means, well, I'll be frank with you, Lucky.

Everybody knows that you control all the rackets in town.

Now, that's not considered socially desirable.

- Nobody's ever pinned anything on me yet.

- I know, that's why I couldn't get you in 4F.

- I don't pay you to take no for an answer.

- Lucky, it was out of my hands.

This isn't like fixing an ordinary beef.

There's a war on.

- Don't I know it, they closed Santa Anita.

- Look, Lucky, I'm your attorney,

and I'll do whatever you want me to do,

but my private opinion is that everybody owes it

to his country to serve.

- I don't owe anything to anybody.

Everything I got in this country, I got the hard way,

and there was plenty of guys trying

to keep me from getting it.

- Now, there's no use getting belligerent about it

because unless a man has bonafide exemptions,

he goes when he is called.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You don't happen to have a wife and children

tucked away somewhere, do you?

- Don't be stupid.

Women are okay in their place but not to marry.

- Well, now parents in some cases are grounds for exemption.

What about yours?

- I haven't got any.

I mean, I never know who they were.

The first thing I remember, I was in an orphan asylum

labeled unadoptable.

- Well, I'm afraid you're in for it, Lucky.

- Well, take another think.

If I've gotta have some dependents, you get me some.

- What?

- You hard of hearing?

- Well, but you just said you don't know your parents.

- Sure.

There must be some old bag who's willing

to call me sunny for the right amount.

- Oh now, that's fantastic.

- I'm not paying you to tell me I'm fantastic.

You get going and line me up a mother

by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning,

or I'll slap you back chasing ambulances.

- I never chased an ambulance in my life.

- Okay, if you like it better, we'll have one chasing you.

- All right, Lucky, I...

- Better go with him, Slip,

in case he starts waving that flag some more.

- Sure.

(car horn honking)

(car engines humming)

(drills buzzing loudly)

(car door bangs)

- Good morning, Lucky.

I'd like to have you meet your mother.

- Hello, Mister.

Or should I call you son?

- You just keep your lip buttoned up.

Hey, is this the best you can do?

- Well, I couldn't very well hire Whistler's mother.

- But this is the old ding who's always

mooching quarters on Times Square.

She's drunk all the time.

- I am not.

I can't afford it all the time.

- Don't you know better than to be drinking at your age?

- I'd rather be drinking at your age, but time marches on.

- I know she isn't perfect, Lucky,

but she'll have to do.

- Well, you just keep your mouth shut

and don't breathe on anybody in there,

and I'll give you 50 bucks when you come out.

- 50 Bucks?

Why for that I'd do a swan dive off the Statue of Liberty.

- Now, Lucky, the head of this draft board will be

reasonably sympathetic if you don't antagonize him.

Now, I play golf with him, and I've told him that you're

applying for reclassification on the basis of new evidence.

- Nevermind the college talk.

Just keep me out of the Army.

(footsteps tapping)

- Mr. Jordan, the only physical deficiency I see listed here

is rose fever.

- Yeah, I'm allergic to roses.

I break out all over and start coughing and sneezing.

- Well, of course not many battles

are fought in rose gardens.

- (clears throat) Mr. Hannigan, when Mr. Jordan filled

in that questionnaire,

he listed his parents as unknown because in all honesty,

he had no idea of their whereabouts.

But since then, he has located his mother.

- I see.

Rather strange, isn't it?

Finding your mother just when you need an exemption?

- She just showed up.

- Are you dependent on this man?

-Am I?

- How much does your son contribute

each month to your support, Mrs. Jordan?

- I give her 1000 bucks a month.

- Oh.

- [Hannigan] That's very generous, isn't it?

- I believe in treating her right.

- Well, I see no problem here.

None, whatever.

Anyone who can afford that amount for his mother obviously

is well enough fixed to serve his country without sacrifice.

Appeal denied.

- Oh, George, I don't think you've explored

every angle of this case.

Now, Mr. Jordan's resources.

- I'm afraid, Ernie, if we explored every angle

of this case, we'd have to turn it over to the FBI.

Mr. Jordan, you'll be inducted on the date originally set.

Good day.

(footsteps tapping)

- I'm not through yet, Lucky.

I've got other contacts.

And even if the worst came to the worst,

I can always get you transferred to some easy post

right here in town where you can go right on running things.

- You'd better. - Oh, well, I will, I will.

- I'll just retain that retainer of yours till you do.

- Well, Goodbye, Mrs. Jordan.

Goodbye.

- Did I do all right, Mr. Jordan?

- Sure you did, you made me glad I'm an orphan.

- Thanks, thanks a lot, Mr. Jordan.

- Thanks, Strong Heart.

(drills buzzing loudly)

(car engine humming)

(horn blaring melodically)

(soldier groans)

- Oh, my dogs.

They're getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

- Shouldn't we get Jordan up?

- I'm not gonna touch him.

- What are you afraid of?

He hasn't got his mob here.

- Well, then you do it.

- Yeah.

- Jordan, wake up.

- Listen, bub, want you to get one thing straight.

Long as I'm bunking here, I don't wanna be disturbed.

And I'm not gonna hang out in any sun either.

- I was just trying to do you a favor, Jordan.

We're due out on the morning line.

- Well, if it goes to 20 to one, let me know.

Wake him, goddamn it, missed the whole night.

(officers shouting)

(horn blaring) - Jordan.

Jordan!

- Come on, get out of here, blow!

- You might as well learn that this is the army.

At 5:30, the bugle blows.

At 6:15, you're on the meat line.

For the next half hour, you've got nothing to do but eat.

And then we start the day's work.

That goes on every day, week in and week out!

Just like a clock.

And you're gonna go like a clock too

or I'll wind you up until I break your mainspring!

- Captain, how much do you make here?

- $78 a month.

- How'd like to make 7807

- Say, do you think that you can

bribe the United States Army?

- That's what I'm trying to find out.

- Jordan, get up out of that bed!

- Okay, okay, don't strain your tonsils.

- Where did you get the fancy bloomers?

- I like to look my best in case people

drop in on me at night.

- Get out of that panty waist and into your denims.

We're going on fatigue duty, and I mean fatigue for you.

- [Officer] March, left, right, left, right, march.

(officers shouting)

(somber band music)

- Hello, Helen, anything doing?

- No, pretty dull today.

That soldier's been here all morning.

He didn't even go out at noon.

(somber music continues)

I asked him if he wanted anything, but he just looked at me

and then went on staring at that magazine.

- Well, some of these boys are away from home

for the first time and pretty shy.

- I don't know, but somehow I think

he's been away from home before.

- Did you put any root beer on ice?

- There's plenty of everything.

Bye, Jill. - Bye.

(somber music continues)

Hello, soldier, I understand you didn't have any lunch.

- What'd you do, get your face lifted?

- What?

- What happened the other dame?

- Oh, she's gone for the day.

I relieved her.

- That's a relief to me too.

What about a midnight supper in my tent tonight?

- You're pretty fresh.

- You're pretty, period.

(bowl clanks)

(shoes clack)

(somber band music)

Hey, Cute Eyes.

How about a bottle of beer to go with this empty bowl?

- Really don't think you ought to drink this.

All that popcorn inside you, you'll swell up like a balloon.

- That'd be great.

Then I could sail away from this camp

and nobody would know the difference.

- What's the matter with you, are you homesick?

- Yeah, pretty lonesome.

I miss having my own things.

Don't tell anybody, but I always slept with a teddy bear.

- You looked busy, you might not be so lonesome.

Haven't they given you anything to do?

- Sure, the colonel's got me on special detail.

He wants me to think of some way to entertain the soldiers.

(fingers snapping)

Hey, wait a minute, I got it.

We build a staircase of peppermint candy.

Then while the band plays "Beat Me Daddy, Eight to the Bar,"

you come down in a pair of high heels and chevrons.

Then for a gag at the end, we drop the chevrons off.

- I'm glad you thought of that.

Now, there's no reason for you to hang around here anymore.

- Oh yes, there is.

The navy wants me to think up something for the sailors.

(somber music continues)

(lid clangs)

(jeep engine humming)

(officers shouting)

- Excuse me, dearie, but maybe you could give me a steer.

I'm looking for my boy.

- Did you ask for him at post headquarters?

- They told me to at the gate,

but all these buildings look the same.

- Go back to the next corner and turn left.

- I had a feeling I overshot it.

Hot, ain't it? -Yes, it is.

- You haven't got a drink around here, have you, dearie?

- I've got some nice cold root beer inside.

- Well, never mind.

I'll be running along.

- Oh, it's no trouble at all.

I'll| get it for you in a minute.

(officers shouting)

(shoes clack)

(door bangs)

(mouth blows)

- Why hello, son.

- What are you doing here?

- I just came down to see you, son.

- What for?

- [Mother] Well, I got sort of lonesome.

- You did, huh?

Nice having you come down.

- Well, that sounds more like my boy.

I guess I sort of took you by surprise.

- Yeah.

- Ain't you gonna kiss me?

- Yeah, sure.

You're stiff. - I ain't neither.

I had a couple after breakfast, but I ain't had any since.

- Okay, okay, break it up.

Won't you sir down, Ma?

- Thanks.

Woo.

I'm all right on asphalt,

but those gravel paths really kill me.

(head bangs)

- Well?

- I hope you ain't sore at me, Mr. Jordan.

I mean, about me coming down here to see you,

but it makes a mother sort of proud

having a boy in the army.

- You're croc to your eyeballs.

- Honest, I ain't, Mr. Jordan.

- Then what'd you come down here for?

- Well, since I'm sort of your mother,

I thought you'd like to know I'm broke.

- Oh, a shake down, huh?

- It ought a be worth something.

That lawyer said he was going to get you a nice soft job.

I don't think you'd get it if they knew you lied

about your mother.

- I paid you off once.

- It didn't last long, I had house guests.

- I suppose you want me to keep you

in gin the rest of your life.

- Honest, Mr. Jordan.

Things have been tough.

I've been working hard,

but people are buying war stamps with their quarters now.

- How much do you want?

- For 100, I could see my way clear.

- I'll give you a 50, but not another cent.

- Can you make it 757

- Oh, come on, blow.

- Goodbye, son.

- I told you to blow.

Get out and don't come back!

- Goodbye, dearie.

- You haven't had your cold drink yet.

- I don't think I want it now.

- I couldn't help seeing what happened.

Please don't be upset.

A lot of the boys are edgy when they first get here.

- That's all right, dearie.

Goodbye.

(shoes clacking)

(bucket clanking)

- The idea of a man treating his mother that way.

- I didn't ask her out here.

- I think you're disgusting.

I'm going to report you.

- For what?

- I've been around this camp long enough to know

that no soldier can spend all day every day in the canteen.

You're AWOL!

- Wait a minute, sister.

How much do ya make here?

- Why?

- Whatever it is, I'll double it

if you keep your mouth shut.

(shoes clacking)

- This is the man, Colonel.

- What's your unit, soldier?

- Woodpeckers of America.

What's yours?

(officers shouting)

- [Officer] March, left, right, left, right, march.

(officers shouting)

- Come on, Jordan.

You've got a visitor at MP headquarters.

- Man, woman or woman?

- It's your lawyer.

- Yeah?

In that case, you better start packing my things.

(officers shouting)

- You can talk in here.

- Hello, Lucky.

Well, how are things?

- How do they look?

I'll be out of this ice box in three days.

What are you doing about that soft job in New York?

- Lucky, I've done my level best.

I've pulled strings like a puppeteer,

but I can't do a thing.

- That's not good enough, Higgins.

- Well, it didn't used to be hard to fix the city

or the state, but Lucky, you can't fix Washington.

To begin with, you can't find out who's in charge.

- Okay, Higgins, I'm breaking out of here.

- Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

You've only got three days to go.

- Go where?

I'm not gonna stay in this army.

I got money stashed all over the country

under six different names.

I'm gonna sit this war out someplace

where they can't find me,

with a blonde in one hand and a stake in the other.

- But that's desertion.

Oh, now, look, I'm not a finicky man.

I can close my eyes to lots of things,

but desertion in time of war.

- This is the kiss off, Higgins.

- Oh now, look.

Lucky, don't try anything, will you?

At least not until I go.

They may say it's collusion.

I might end up in the federal penitentiary.

- You'll be right at home with the rest of your clients.

Hey, Sergeant!

- What's up? - Plenty.

Take a look in this man's left-hand pocket.

- My pocket? - What's he got there?

- Take a look.

- I haven't got a thing in my pocket.

Not a single solitary thing except a golf tee, see?

- That isn't what I saw.

- Let's have a look in there.

(fist pounds) (soldier groans)

(body thuds) - Oh, Lucky.

- [Lucky] Get away from that door!

- Now you've involved me.

- Yeah, I just wish I could stick around

and see what kind of an excuse you're gonna give yourself

for not getting yourself out of this.

- Oh, take it easy on me, Lucky.

(shoes thud)

Look, look, I didn't have anything to do with this.

(tense music)

- I'll show you the way out, sir.

- I know the way out.

- You can't use the main gate.

A convoy's going out, you'll have to use the side gate.

- All right.

- Got your pass out ticket?

-Yes. - Fine.

Turn left between those buildings.

- Right.

(tense music continues) (car engine hums)

- Go ahead.

(tense music continues)

(body thuds)

(fists pound) (tense music continues)

(bag thuds) (attacker groans)

(car horn honks)

(tense music continues)

(tires screeching)

(door bangs)

- What goes on?

- Just a stick up.

- I thought I recognized you when you passed me

back on the highway.

Followed you just to be sure.

You're AWOL again.

Get out of my car!

- Sorry, sister, mine seems to be hot.

- You hear what I say?

Get out of here!

(car engine humming) (tires screeching)

Where are you going?

- Over the hill.

- Oh, you're not taking me with you.

Do you realize this is kidnapping?

- What are you talking about?

You're so crazy about me, you followed me.

- Look, if you want my car, take it, but let me out.

- No, you're too nosy.

You go around reporting people.

- Stop or I'll throw this out!

(briefcase slams)

- Wasn't mine anyway.

(tires rumbling)

- Just how long do you intend to keep me with you?

- Till I'm in the clear.

(car engine hums) (tense music continues)

- In case you're interested, you're almost out of gas.

You won't get very far, my friend.

And when they catch you, I hope they put you

in the guardhouse for the rest of your life.

(car engine hums) (tense music continues)

(car horn honks)

- Hey!

- It's after seven.

There isn't a station open in the East.

- All right, we'll sleep here tonight

and get gas when they open up in the morning.

- Go to sleep.

The minute you do, I'm leaving.

- Get out.

- What are you gonna do with me?

- I'm gonna bed you down for the night.

- No, thank you.

- I said get out!

(crickets chirping)

- Oh, no, you don't.

You can't put me in there.

(car door bangs)

- Listen, Cute Eyes, is that fair?

How do you know you're not gonna like it

until you've been inside?

- I'll be good, I promise I won't try to run away.

- Might walk in your sleep.

(Jill groans)

(foot thumps)

- Let me go, do you hear?

Put me down, do you hear?

Put me down!

Oh, please, don't.

I'll sleep in the car.

- I'm sleeping there myself.

Of course, there's not much room,

but I'm willing to split it with you.

- It's very nice of you.

I'll go in here.

Oh, look.

What good is it going to do to keep me locked up?

You're not going any place in the morning.

You can't get any gas.

You haven't got a ration card.

- That's right, but you must have one.

All right, where is it?

- They didn't give me one, I was hoarding gas.

- Okay, I don't mind looking for it.

- Nevermind, I'll give it to you.

(paper rips) There you are!

(door slams)

Let me out of here!

(fist knocks)

Open the door!

(fist knocks)

Where are you?

- Now what's the matter?

- [Jill] You can't leave me in here, it's dark.

- Well, turn on the light.

- [Jill] I can't find it.

Give me some matches!

- Guess the guy that owns this code doesn't smoke.

He hasn't got any...

But he does have a gas card.

(fist bangs)

- [Jill] Let me out of here!

- Used to be people didn't even get out of the car

when I put the gas in.

Nowadays they're all over the place,

squeezing the hose to be sure to get the three gallons.

How did you come to get one of these sea books?

You an official?

- I'm a dog catcher.

- You don't say.

Do they get 'em too?

- You ever try catching a wire hair on foot?

- I'll get you the change.

(dramatic music)

(car door slams)

(car engine hums) (tires screech)

(dramatic music continues)

(door bangs)

- Well, good afternoon, Mr. Jordan.

(tense music)

- Lucky.

- Hello, Slip.

(tense music continues)

I see you're taking things over for me okay.

- Roll out, girl.

- Hey.

(hand pats)

You lost weight.

- I've been awfully worried about you, Mr. Jordan.

- Yeah, I noticed.

You just had a fainting spell on the couch.

- Well, it's good to see you again, boss.

I hope you don't mind my clowning around

with Pearl a little.

- Why should I mind?

No good letting a dame with red hair cool off.

- How come you ain't wearing your soldier pants?

- I left them in that camp.

I figured that some guy who was gonna stay

in that army might need 'em.

- How hot are you?

- I don't know.

About six miles out of that camp,

couple of guys in a big car jumped me.

- Yeah?

- I don't know what they were after,

but they seemed satisfied with that couple of right crosses.

- Where's that briefcase, Lucky?

- How do you know about that?

- That can come later, where is it?

- Listen, Omelet Eyes, when you ask me a question,

your voice better go up on the end.

- Well, I didn't mean nothing like that, Lucky,

but that briefcase is kind of important.

- That's better.

I'd get out of that chair and tell me how you know so much.

- Well, I sent those guys that jumped you.

Of course, they didn't know it was you.

That guy you clipped back in the camp is an army engineer.

That briefcase he's carrying around is full of hot dope.

New tank armor.

- Since when did you get interested in tanks?

- Look, Lucky, in our business,

you gotta keep yourself up to date.

Those dog tracks and bookie joints and slot machines,

they're old fashioned now.

- They weren't bad.

- Maybe they'll be all right again after the war's over.

But right now, the heavy sugar's in something else.

I run into a couple of foreign lugs.

They'll pay you almost anything you want to ask

for stuff like that report

on the tank armor you've been carrying around.

That little briefcase is worth 50,000 rocks.

- Yeah?

- Sure.

Well, you got 1000 bucks just for finding out

where a troop train went.

- In American money?

- Sure.

Why, I got 20,000 for setting the Normandy on fire.

- Did you do that?

- No, but they don't know I didn't.

- You've been doing all right, Slip.

- Thanks, boss.

But they're getting a little itchy

about my not finding that briefcase, Lucky.

Where is it? - I don't know.

The dame I had with me threw it out of the car.

- Where?

- I didn't pay any attention.

The dame must know where it is.

- Well, where is she now?

- I parked her with Joe Maggotti.

Well, pick her up.

I need a few grand to rattle around in my pocket

till I cool off.

- Well, what was his dame doing with you anyhow?

- She spotted me blowing out of the camp.

I took her along to keep her from squawking.

- Treating her pretty gently, ain't you, Lucky?

Best way to keep a dame from squawking

is to break her squawker.

(car engine humming)

(tires screeching softly)

(soft jazz music)

- How do you do, Mr. Jordan?

I'll tell Mrs. Maggotti you're here.

- Hello, Lucky.

How are ya? - Fine.

- Have a cup of tea?

- No thanks, Vera.

Where's that dame I parked with you last night?

- Oh, she's upstairs.

I'll get her for you.

Make yourself at home.

(soft jazz music continues) (patrons chatter)

- Twelfth Night.

What happens then?

- You got me.

- You can come downstairs now.

- | won't do it.

If anybody lays a hand on me, I'll break this lamp on him.

- Come on, Mr. Jordan's waiting.

- Well.

It's no bargain, but it's better than staying here.

(soft jazz music continues)

- Hello, Lucky.

Did you see the paper today?

- Quit reading them, Joe.

Can't believe a thing you see in them anymore.

- I hope that this is not true.

- Now, don't sweat all over that new suit, Joe.

I'm leaving right away.

- You know, I like very much to help you out anytime, Lucky.

But this I don't like.

- Hello, Cute Eyes.

- Take me out of this place.

- Hey, she's okay, Lucky.

Now I know why you didn't break her squawker.

- Thanks for keeping her on ice.

Goodbye, Vera.

- Bye, Lucky.

(tense music)

- About here I think, Slip.

What do you say, Cute Eyes?

- This isn't it.

- That's what I wanted to know.

All right, you can stop here, Slip.

(tires screeching softly)

(car doors bang) (tense music continues)

Now, you'll save us a lot of time

if you tell us where you threw it.

- I'll kick it out of her, boss.

- Do you really think I'd help you get hold

of military information?

- How do you know what's in that briefcase?

- It's pretty obvious.

He escapes from an army camp by stealing a car.

There's a briefcase in it that doesn't belong to him.

He doesn't even care when I throw it out.

Now suddenly it's very valuable.

- This dame's too smart to live.

- Nevermind, we'll find it ourselves.

You walk along the road and we'll take this field.

Go on, walk in front of me.

(tense music)

(dramatic music)

(briefcase thuds)

Thanks.

Hey Slip, I got it!

- Coming!

(tense music)

Good work, boss.

Let's see it.

- Sure.

- It's 12 o'clock, Cinderella.

I'm gonna turn you into a squash.

And am I gonna love it.

I've been laying for you for a long time.

- I had a hunch you had begun to like

that big chair of mine.

- Ngh-ngh, from now on, it's my big chair.

You're all through, Lucky.

You ain't a big shot anymore.

You're just a washed up little drip.

- I thought you were getting too big for your pants.

I was gonna have you hammered down,

but I got busy with that army stuff and let it slide.

Bad business, letting things pile up on your desk like that.

- Just proves you're getting old-fashioned.

Why you're so out of date you ought to be retired.

I'm gonna do you one favor just for old times sake.

Where do you want it, the front or in the back?

- You're ahead of yourself, Slip.

That briefcase is empty.

- What are you giving me?

(tense music)

(foot thumps)

(fist pounds) (body thuds)

(foot thumps)

- Don't!

- Why not?

- That's murder.

- Self-defense. - Oh, please.

- Look, if I let him go now he wakes up

with an awful headache and later on I get it in the back.

I give him one more kick, he misses all that headache,

and I don't get it in the back!

- Lucky.

You can't do it.

(tense music continues)

- What are you gonna do with that?

- What do you think?

- I think a lot of things,

but I was hoping you were going to return it.

- It's a pretty long ride back to that camp.

- Oh, but don't you see?

If you take it back now,

they'll never press a desertion charge,

and I'll say there was nothing to the kidnapping.

You'll be square with everyone.

- Yeah, I'll be square behind the eight ball

and right back in the army.

- But at a time like this,

you can't sell your country short.

- I'm not selling anything short.

I wouldn't take a cent less than 100 grand for this.

(tense music continues)

Listen, Cute Eyes, never look where you're diving.

Tips off which way you're going.

(car engine humming)

(car doors bang)

Can't get anywhere with those, can you?

Stockings, I mean.

Well, it's time to put you up for the night.

- Ah, you're not gonna do that to me again, are you?

- Sure. - Oh, please don't.

- You're being so nosy and patriotic,

there's nothing else I can do.

- I'll be good, I won't try to run away.

- I can't take that chance.

Come on.

- At least let me have a cigarette first.

- Okay.

(somber music)

- Thanks.

(somber music continues)

How can you do this?

- What?

- Sell that information to the other side.

- Why not?

- You know you're absolutely unmoral.

You haven't faith in anybody or anything.

I shouldn't think it'll be worth it.

You must feel miserable and alone.

- Me?

I'm never alone.

Spent every night of my life in a nightclub

with a show going on.

- You don't even know what I'm talking about.

- Sure, I do.

You're trying to talk me out of selling the briefcase.

- You bet I am.

You think this war hasn't anything to do with you,

but it has.

The whole world's involved and everybody in it.

If we lose, we'll end up slaves.

Nazi slaves.

That means you too, whether you like it or not.

- No, it don't.

Things change, a smart guy figures out a new angle.

It's the clucks who go around

getting their heads knocked off.

- You never had a thought in your life

where you didn't figure the angles first, did you?

I mean, what it meant to you and what you thought

you could get out of it.

- Anybody who don't is a sucker.

- Very well then.

Let's take it step by step.

Let's find out what the angles are for you in this thing.

You're established in, well, whatever business you're in.

You seem to like it and you make a lot of money at it.

- I'm doing okay.

- Well, to be completely realistic and selfish,

you must wanna keep things pretty much

the way they are, don't you?

- Yeah.

- Then you must want the country

you live in to win, don't you?

- Well, sure I do.

- Well, now we're getting someplace.

All right, if you want the country you live in to win,

why aren't you helping?

- Well, the way I see it, it's like a fight at the Garden.

You might want the guy in the purple pants to win.

You might even bet a few bucks on him,

but you don't want him to win bad enough that you'll climb

up in that ring and get your face bashed in helping him.

- I give up, your impossible.

I can't appeal to you on any basis.

Animal, vegetable or mineral.

Or human.

- Guess it's time to lock you up in the blue room again.

- Would you mind if I washed my face in that stream first?

- No, go ahead.

(frogs croaking)

(dramatic music)

(body thuds)

- Let me up.

(frogs croaking)

- All right, come on, get up.

Go ahead.

(grass crunching)

(somber music)

I don't get you.

I thought at least I'd have to spar a few rounds.

- What does it matter?

- It don't.

It's just that some dames are hard to convince.

I guess I had you figured out all wrong.

I thought you were a regular ice cube till I kissed you.

- Even an ice cube has to be defrosted once in a while.

(somber music continues)

Good night.

(somber music continues)

(Jill screams)

- What's the matter? - There's something in there!

(fist banging)

- [Lucky] Hey, come on, open it up!

(dramatic music)

(footsteps thudding)

(tense music)

- Just a minute now.

(fist pounds)

- Oh, Mr. Jordan,

I wouldn't have had this happen for the world.

He was just-- - I know what he was doing.

Look, when you go to the office tomorrow,

you tell Slip to meet me in front

of Marty's place on 42nd Street.

I'll be there at noon.

And if he has 100 grand in cash on him,

he can have that briefcase he's so crazy about.

Now, you got that straight?

- Yes, yes, I have, Mr. Jordan.

- Okay.

- Mr. Jordan, I hope you won't misunderstand about this man

because he's only--

- I know, he's your cousin.

Oh, when he wakes up, you tell him your uncle was here.

(footsteps thudding)

- Can you spare a quarter, Mister?

Could you spare a quarter, Mister?

(tires screeching)

(footsteps tapping)

Mr. Jordan, please, Mr. Jordan.

I've got something to tell you.

- Oh, come on, blow.

- They're staked out all around Marty's waiting for you.

- Who's staked out?

- Bunch of torpedoes.

I saw 'em when I went by on my route.

I thought I'd better tell you in case

you wasn't expecting 'em.

- Slip Moran with 'em?

- If he is, he ain't advertising it.

- Thanks.

- You'd better be careful where you hide out, Mr. Jordan.

- I'll take care of that.

- But you're hotter than a stove.

Everybody's after ya.

Slip Moran, the FBI, the army

and some big shot who says you got his daughter.

- All right, come on, blow, will ya?

- But I'm trying to tell you,

you can hide out at my place if you want to.

Nobody'd ever think of looking for you there.

- Where is your place?

- Over the Green Grotto on Fulton Street.

- Would there be any room for me there

with those gin bottles?

- I don't think you can be too choosy.

- Okay, let's have your key.

- Could you spare a quarter, Mister, for a cup of coffee?

- Oh, I think so, yes.

(coins jangle)

Two bits for a cup of coffee?

- You wouldn't want me to dine

in the cheaper places, would you?

Hello, Mr. Jordan.

(door bangs)

Glad you're making yourself comfortable.

- On this sofa?

How's business?

- I never saw as many cheapskates in my life.

I knocked off early.

- Hope you got something to eat in that bag.

- I got some stew on the stove.

All I got to do is warm it up.

Do you like stew, Mr. Jordan?

- I'd rather have Guinea hen under glass,

but if that's all you got, I won't turn it down.

- I cruised passed Marty's after you left

and hit one of them torpedoes for a quarter.

He was waiting for you, all right.

He gave me four bits to keep moving.

- I haven't got any cash,

but I'm working on a deal right now,

and if I put it across, I'll slip you a couple of Cs.

- You don't need to.

- What do you give me?

Think you can get more out of Slip?

- If that's the way you feel about it,

you can get out of here!

- I don't get it.

- I didn't tell you to come here

so's I could put the bite on you.

- No?

Doin' me a favor free of charge?

- Not exactly.

Kind of hard to explain.

Something happened that day I went to the camp

to shake you down.

Everybody was so nice to me when they found out

I had a boy in the army.

And then on the train, I met a couple of other mothers,

and they was lying about their kids.

I wasn't gonna let 'em get away with anything.

So I started lying about you, and I topped 'em all.

I froze 'em up all right.

- Yeah, what'd you tell 'em?

- I told 'em you'd never been away from home before.

But in three months you was already a lieutenant.

They groused around a little,

and then they started flashing them baby pictures.

You know the kind, little monkeys flat naked.

They thought they had me there.

Ha, so I just cracked open a newspaper

and showed 'em a picture of a good-looking soldier.

For a minute they thought they'd nailed me

"cause it said captain under the picture.

So I said, "Well, what do you know?

"He's got his self promoted again."

That's when they froze.

And when I saw you today, it hit me like a ton of bricks

that you was walking into a trap.

I did just what a mother would do.

It felt good to know you needed me,

and I could do something for ya.

- Well, don't get so tied up in that mother act

you start telling people I'm back home again.

- Say, they couldn't get anything out of me with a crowbar.

- Where can I hide this?

- Under the mattress, I'll show you.

- That's the first place anybody would look.

- I got just the place.

How do you like that?

I've been asking the landlord to fix it,

but he says for what I'm paying, I'm lucky to have a roof.

- It'll do.

- Ain't that a pretty shawl!?

I got that at one of the big department stores

on Fifth Avenue.

It dropped into my umbrella one rainy day.

- Yeah, where'd you get the umbrella?

- Out of the umbrella department.

- Why didn't you walk past a couple of steaks tonight?

- When it comes right down to it,

there's nothing like good home cooking.

- Especially if you can't get out to a restaurant.

- Is it all right?

Got enough pepper, enough salt?

- Got enough pepper and salt, but it's a little shy on meat.

- Well, ain't I the stoop?

I give it all to myself.

- Look, I gotta go out after a while,

and I want you to stay here and watch things.

- You think you ought to go out?

- You know it's business.

- With all the money you've got, Mr. Jordan,

you shouldn't go around risking your neck

for a few more dollars.

- With all the money I got,

I don't dare show my face in a bank.

That's why I gotta put this deal through.

- Want some more?

- Same as this?

- Sure.

- No, thanks, I gotta get going.

- I'm sorry there ain't no dessert.

We was gonna have pineapple, but the grocer looked around.

(register rings)

- Hello, Slip.

Didn't keep my appointment today

because I don't like double crossers.

Give me one more chance.

I'll meet you tomorrow at 11 o'clock

at a toy store on Fifth Avenue.

There's no use framing me because I won't have the stuff.

Yeah, you'll get it when you've forked

over 100 grand in cash.

- What'll it be, gentlemen?

- Open up the cash register and shut your mouth.

(register rings)

- Back room for you, El Ropo.

(dramatic music)

(coin slot rings)

- Put Slip Moran on, this is Harrison.

(dramatic music continues)

(footsteps tapping)

(dramatic music continues)

(hand knocks)

-Who is it?

- [Lucky] It's me, open up.

- I've been having the quick jumps.

- Relax, it was nothing but a phone call.

- What's that?

- I brought you a Mother's Day present.

- You didn't?

- I said I did.

- Gin.

That's the sweetest thing a kid ever gave his mother.

- Now, don't get stiff.

- Thanks, Mr. Jordan.

- Come on, blow, I gotta get to bed.

- Good night, son.

- Good night.

Ma.

(door bangs softly)

(nose sniffs)

(traffic humming)

(footsteps tapping)

- And remember, I don't care how you get it.

Understand?

(toy buzzing)

- We just can't keep these in stock.

Amusing, isn't it?

- Yeah, it's kind of cute.

- Boys just love it.

A three year old can operate it.

- Yeah?

Let me take a crack at it.

- Certainly.

- You're not too busy, I'd like to talk to you.

- Oh, hello, Lucky.

Hey, it's a great little gadget.

Let me show you how it works.

- Some other time.

I got 100,000 things I want to take care of today.

- I'll take it.

- I'll have one wrapped for you.

I'm sure the little boy will love it.

Now will there be anything else, Sir?

- Come on, blow.

I want to talk to the little boy.

- Hey, I like this place.

How'd you come up with telling me to meet you here?

- Figured if you ask any of your friends to drop in,

they'd be kind of conspicuous.

Bring the dough?

- You bring the thing?

- Told you I wouldn't have it with me.

- Kind of a one-sided deal, ain't it?

- Now look, we went all through that on the phone.

Give me the dough and you get the stuff

before midnight tonight.

- I don't know, Lucky.

I talked to them foreign lugs until I was black in the face.

They just won't pay that kind of dough.

- Well, they just won't get it.

(siren blaring)

(car horn honks)

- Fine thing for a kid to play with.

Nope, Lucky, they won't pay a cent more than 75 grand.

- All right, give me the 75.

- Wait a minute, I gotta talk to 'em again.

Well, how'd I know you was gonna take it?

- What is this, a stall?

(car horn honks)

Trying to double talk me till somebody

gets here with a Tommy gun?

- Oh, the only Tommy guns in this joint shoot corks.

- Look, goose neck.

I don't know what you're trying to frame,

but I'm giving you one last chance.

You meet me here at five o'clock this afternoon

and be sure you have that 75 grand on you,

or I'll burn this stuff.

- Okay, Lucky, if I don't show,

you'll know the deal fell through.

- I got a feeling that you got a feeling the deal

is gonna fall through.

- Well, you know these foreign lugs.

It ain't like you and me dealing.

- Yeah.

With you, I know exactly what to expect.

That's why you don't get your hands on that stuff

until I get mine on the dough.

(footsteps tapping) (car horns honking)

- And 10 makes 20.

Thank you, sir.

I just wish I could see the little boy when he gets it.

- The little boy don't know it yet,

but he's already got it. (chuckles)

(toy laughs)

(hand whacks)

(suspenseful music)

(hand knocks)

(door bangs)

(suspenseful music continues)

- Son.

- What happened?

- Be careful.

Couple of men come looking for that briefcase.

Slapped me around something awful. (groans)

I didn't tell 'em where it was.

They couldn't make me tell.

- Take care of Slip for this.

Take care of those foreign lugs too.

- Watch out.

They're mean guys.

- The stuff they want so bad

is going where it'll hurt 'em most.

Right back to the army.

- Why don't you go back too?

If you set your mind to it,

you could be a better soldier than any of 'em.

- I'll get a doctor.

Think you'll be all right for a while?

- Mm-hmm.

Get that briefcase out of here though.

- Yeah.

(tense music)

- Go and get it.

I'll be all right, son.

- Okay, Ma.

(suspenseful music)

(fist smashes)

- [Mother] Son, son!

Are you all right, son?

(tense music)

(door bangs)

(tense music continues)

(door slams)

- Oh!

Oh, you scared me, Mr. Jordan.

- What's happened here?

Where's Slip?

- I haven't any idea.

This morning he just up and moved, and now I'm out of a job.

- Where'd he move to?

- I don't know.

- What are you doing back here?

- I left a pair of earrings up here somewhere.

(door clicks)

(door bangs)

- All right, you better tell me where his Slip is.

- Honest, Mr. Jordan, I don't know.

They haven't let me in on anything lately,

but I think maybe Slip's gone straight.

- Don't give me that. - Honest, Mr. Jordan.

I think he started a nursery or something.

I mean for flowers.

Flowers are all he talks about.

I guess there's a lot of money in it too

'cause just this morning he sold some tulips for $50,000.

- It's an expensive bouquet.

What kind of tulips were they?

- I can't remember.

- Come on, heat that red head up, this is important.

It's all I got to go on.

- It was torch of something.

Torch of Holland, that's what it was.

- Who'd he sell 'em to?

- I don't know.

I'd tell you if I did.

- Okay.

- I'll be at the same place until the 18th.

Why don't you come see me?

- Some other time, Pearl.

I'm avoiding crowds right now.

(guests chattering)

- Yes, sir.

- I want some information about a tulip.

It's called Torch of Holland.

- Oh, I'm sorry sir.

We haven't had any of those bulbs since the war started.

- You know where I can find any?

- I'm afraid not.

It's a very rare variety.

But we have a lovely California bulb

that's almost the same color.

There's just a little more pink on the pedals.

- No, thanks.

I could find one, how much would it cost?

- Oh, I should say about $15 a bulb.

- I know one that costs 50,000.

- Liar.

(pedestrians chattering)

- There's just a possibility that you might be able

to find one at the Kilpatrick Gardens.

They have the most elaborate displays around here.

- Yeah, where's that?

- On Long Island.

Beyond Far Rockaway.

Far beyond.

- Thanks.

(pleasant music)

- You won't be able to go out through the garden, sir.

It's almost closing time.

- I just wanna take a look at the tulips.

- Take the path to the right.

- Got the names on 'em?

- Everything in the garden is clearly labeled.

(pleasant music continues)

- Is there a telephone here?

- Not a public phone. - Well, it's very important.

- Local call?

- No, I wanna talk to the FBI in New York.

- Well, this is a house phone.

I'll have to get you a line.

- Oh, thanks.

Please hurry.

- Hello, this is Miller at the gate.

There's a young lady here wants to get in touch

with the FBI.

Will you please connect me?

Thank you.

Here you are, Miss. - Thanks.

Hello?

Hello, is this the FBI?

Let me speak to Mr. Herndon, please.

- Well, Mr. Herndon's not in, but my name's Bowman.

May I help you?

- Yes, This is Jill Evans.

I followed Lucky Jordan out to the Kilpatrick Gardens

on Long Island.

If you'll hurry here, you'll catch him.

- Well, we'll get there as soon as we possibly can,

but in the meantime, you better go direct to Mr. Kilpatrick.

Uh huh, and explain the situation to him.

Well, he'll help you hold Jordan until we arrive.

That's fine, okay.

Goodbye.

- What's up, Kilpatrick?

- I am now a member of the FBI.

At least for the next half hour.

- I doubt you will get away with it.

Your face isn't stupid enough.

- I can be convincing.

- I better go to my room.

I always laugh at tragedies and cry at comedies.

(hand knocking)

- Come in.

- A young lady, a Miss Evans would like to see you, sir.

- [Kilpatrick] Oh yes, show her in, Charles.

Show her in. - Oh, certainly, sir.

- See you at dinner, Kesselman.

- Definitely, I'm hungry as a Frenchman.

- Miss Evans, sir.

- Good afternoon.

- I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Kilpatrick,

but Mr. Bowman of the FBI asked me to see you.

- Oh, Bowman, how is Bowman?

- Well, I don't know him.

I just talked to him on the telephone.

You see, there's a man right here in your gardens

that the FBI wants very badly.

- Hey, you, got a tulip here called Torch of Holland?

- That one.

- What's so special about it?

- Very rare.

(tense music)

(car engine hums)

(car door bangs)

(car engine hums)

(tense music continues)

(door bangs)

- Sorry, sir, but this greenhouse isn't open to the public.

- Just saw someone go in there.

- You must be mistaken, sir.

Mr. Kilpatrick keeps his prize flowers up here.

He doesn't allow anyone inside.

(bell rings loudly)

That's the closing bell, sir.

You'll have to go now.

(tense music continues)

(shears click)

- They rang the bell for us to leave,

and now you won't let us leave.

Just why is that?

- It'll be just a few minutes, sir.

There's been some trouble.

- Well, I'm not in trouble.

I want to go.

(tense music continues)

- Is he here?

- No, he isn't.

- Has anyone gone out, Miller?

- Not for the last 15 minutes.

- Hm, well, you people can go then.

I'm sorry I had to keep you.

That means he's still on the grounds.

- Maybe he'll go over your wall there.

- Not that wall.

If he ever gets to the top, he'll find those wires

carry a pretty stiff current.

Call all the gardeners together

and have them search the grounds thoroughly.

They'll find a man hiding somewhere.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't worry, we'll catch your fugitive all right.

Wiley, take Miss Evans up to the house

and have Charles fix a drink for her.

- Yes, sir.

- I'll be with you in a few minutes.

I want to check the grounds myself.

- Thank you, Mr. Kilpatrick.

- Not at all.

(tense music continues)

(footsteps thudding)

(tense music continues)

One tank looks like another to me.

Then I'm not an engineer.

Kesselman is.

I'll let him study these tonight.

And if he says they're all right,

well, you'll get your money tomorrow.

- Now this was a tough job.

- Yeah, I know, and you've done it very well.

You ready for another assignment right away?

- Always like to keep busy.

- Well, there's a trainload of precision machinery

leaving for the West Coast tomorrow.

Wouldn't mind seeing it derailed.

- [Slip] Okay.

Same code, Torch of Holland?

- Ah, it's getting a bit late in the season for tulips.

Let's make it gardenias this time.

I'll send you a wire saying the gardenias

are being shipped, hmm?

(wheel squeaks)

(dramatic music)

(shoes thud)

(glass shatters)

(suspenseful music)

Hey, you men!

There he goes, get him!

Hey, not over the tulips, you idiots!

You can chase him just as well on the grass.

(suspenseful music continues)

(footsteps thudding)

(grass crunching)

(suspenseful music continues)

(branches rustling)

(men shouting)

- [Worker] Hey, go look over there!

Hey, come here everybody!

- Will you let me in please.

I left my umbrella inside.

- [Miller] Well, I'm sorry, sir,

but it's against the rules to let anyone in after hours.

- [Gentleman] Then don't let me in.

It's around the gate somewhere, just hand it to me.

- I'll see if it's in the gatehouse.

(footsteps thudding)

(suspenseful music continues)

(leaves rustling)

Are you sure you had it with you?

- If you don't produce my umbrella, I'll call the police!

(suspenseful music continues)

- Here it is.

- Thank you.

I'm sure.

That stupid oaf.

I'll bet he has a fine collection of purses,

gloves, and umbrellas and whatnot.

Probably does a brisk business selling them.

- [Wife] You weren't so aggressive, Clarence,

you wouldn't antagonize people.

The man thought it was there.

- If I weren't aggressive,

people would be walking all over me.

I wouldn't be assistant credit manager.

There, after all your talk about fine weather,

it started to rain already.

Maybe you still think I was silly

to go back after my umbrella.

- What is it, Clarence?

- Well, listen to this.

"Take this FBI, send them to gardens.

"Hurry."

This is extraordinary.

(suspenseful music continues)

(water splashing)

(footsteps thudding)

(suspenseful music continues)

- What are you going to do?

- What am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

I'm going to throw it across the wall, of course.

- But it must be important.

- That's the way you get into trouble,

interfering in something that doesn't concern you.

If I took it to the FBI, they'd probably arrest me as a spy.

(suspenseful music continues)

(footsteps thudding)

(suspenseful music continues)

(footsteps thudding)

(suspenseful music continues)

(shoes thud)

(suspenseful music continues)

- Help!

Mr. Kilpatrick, I got him!

Mr. Kilpatrick, I got him!

Help, somebody!

- You best get away from there.

All right.

Get your hands up.

Now, get over there.

(footsteps thudding)

- Well, thank you, Ms. Evans.

- What are you doing with this bunch of spies?

- I'm sorry, you were put

to all this trouble Mr. Kirkpatrick.

- Oh, not at all, not at all.

I'm glad to help.

Charles, ask Mr. Kesselman to come downstairs, will you?

- Yes, sir.

- May I use your telephone?

I want to call my father and tell him where I am.

- I'm afraid not.

- What?

- Well, you see, you now know so much

about my business interests that, well, I can't let you go.

- But I talked to the FBI, they told me to see you.

- You talked to me on the house phone.

- Too bad, Cute Eyes.

- Sit down, Ms. Evans.

- Charles tells me the guests have arrived.

-Yes.

- I'm certainly glad this one came.

And this must be the notorious Mr. Jordan.

(footsteps thudding)

- Huh.

- This is up to you, Moran.

I don't consider that report delivered.

You'll have to get it if you want your 50,000.

(hand slaps)

(fists slam)

- You better talk while you still got teeth to talk through.

- We'll just addle his brain that way.

- What do I care what I do to his brain?

- You want him to remember what he did

with that report, don't you?

Well, there are better ways.

(footsteps thudding)

In Poland, we found this worked very well.

You drive these under the fingernail and light them.

We used to call it a dancing hot foot.

A pure Pole will stand a lot of heat.

Americans are such mongrels, nothing personal.

It'll be interesting to find out how quickly they break.

- Wait a minute.

- So soon?

- I'll tell you where it is.

- You have no stamina at all, have you?

- Where is it, Lucky?

- I threw it under that bridge that goes over the pond.

- I'll get it.

- I'll come along with you, Moran.

And you two, you better come with us.

You keep your eye on him.

(footsteps thudding)

- You know, this is a revelation.

I'm aware that we Nazis are often referred to

as gangsters by our opponents, and it's always amused me.

I've read about American gangsters, and it seemed to me

that their viewpoint and ours were quite similar.

I was told that when they wanted something, they took it.

So do we.

When somebody stood in their way, he was eliminated.

We understand that technique thoroughly.

So you can imagine my shock, Mr. Jordan,

when I finally meet a gangster like you,

a prominent gangster,

and discover you are weak and spineless.

No, I am no longer amused by the comparison.

- Don't try to put me in your class, square head.

I've knocked around a little, but alongside of you,

I'm a Sunday school teacher.

- You are an uncouth jackal.

That's what you are.

But let's talk about something more pleasant.

Ms. Evans, cigarette?

Don't smoke?

Are you acquainted with the National Socialist Party's

estimate of American women?

- No, and I don't care to be.

- Well, we say they are sleek and very well cared for,

but with no souls whatsoever.

But the lack of soul doesn't seem

to bother that drooling idiot.

And I must say, it doesn't bother me either.

After all, how do we know that there is

such a thing as a soul,

but the existence of legs, that's something tangible.

Something you can put your finger on,

philosophically speaking.

In that way regard, my principle objection

to submarine travel is the fact that you have 60 men,

12 torpedoes, but no women.

In the last war, I was 25 years younger

and stationed in Vienna.

I fought the war diligently from 10 to five in daytime.

And from 10 to five at night, being statistically minded,

I made a census of the beautiful women in Vienna.

We lost the war, but I had my census.

This war has been too frantic.

We have taken every city in Europe overnight,

and I just had my mouth set for Paris

when I was transferred to the espionage department.

And three days later, I found myself in a cold submarine

somewhere under the North Sea.

I had cheered up considerably when I was told

that we were going to Florida.

But when we arrived there, a man rolled out,

handed me a package.

He submerged and headed for the North Sea again.

(gunshot blasting)

- All right, stay where you are, sauerkraut.

All right, you get up there with him.

Nice going, Cute Eyes.

- Who fired that shot?

What's happened?

- Hello boys, get your feet wet?

- How'd you let this happen, Kesselman?

- I'm afraid this lout knows more about petunias than guns.

- This seems to be an impasse, Jordan.

You can't very well get out of this estate without my

setting off the alarm and catching you.

As long as you hold that gun,

I can't get very far either, can I?

- I should say about a step and a half.

- Well, exactly.

I suggest we make a deal.

Originally you wanted 100,000 for that report, didn't you?

Well, now I'm prepared to pay.

- This is a payoff all right, but not the way you mean it.

You boys are gonna get paid off in slugs.

- Now, I don't blame you for being sore, Lucky,

but this is nothing you can settle with a heater.

Well, he offered you 100 grand, didn't you?

Ain't that what you want?

- I got a customer I like better.

I'm selling to the army on the installment plan.

They're gonna pay me 50 bucks a month for it.

- Yes, but aren't you a little confused, Jordan?

Why, a man of your stamp can't get anything out

of being a tin horn hero.

Why should you give up a hundred thousand dollars for the

sake of a country that considers you an enemy of society?

- Maybe it's because I don't want to see that country

run by a bunch of guys who go around beating up old women.

Till I ran up against you,

Nazi was just a word in the newspaper to me.

Now, it's another way to spell cockroach.

Well, this place needs cleaning up.

And for the next two minutes, I'm a one man board of health.

- Hey look, Lucky, after all, you and me were pals.

- That's why I'm giving it to you first, Slip.

(gun cocks)

Now, where do you want it?

- Drop it!

- Lucky, it's Mr. Herndon.

(footsteps tapping)

- Anybody hurt?

- [Herndon] No.

- Well, Jordan, it was nice of you to be here too,

so we could get all of you at once.

- Wait a minute.

Who do you think sent that report

out of here in that little squirt's umbrella?

- You'll have to think up a better one than that.

- But, Mr. Herndon,

he had these men all rounded up when you came in.

- Well, you better come along with us anyway, Jordan,

until we get this straightened out.

- This always happens.

You try to help a guy and the referee hits you

over the head with a stool.

- All right, let's take this menagerie downtown,

lock it up in the cage.

(footsteps tapping)

- You haven't anything to worry about.

- You heard what he said about the cage, didn't you?

- Oh, when I tell them what you've done,

they'll never keep you.

And if you're worried about the army, forget it.

They'll never consider you a deserter now.

- Come along, Jordan!

- You might even get a citation.

- What's that?

- You know, a medal.

(vibrant marching band music)

- Hey, you guys, get your backs into it!

Come on, Jordan, get going.

(vibrant marching band music continues)

(shovel thuds)

Hey you, where do you think you're throwing that?

- Sorry, I thought it was your face.

- Say, listen...

(vibrant marching band music continues)