Original subtitles

Narrator Since the beginning of time,

Since the first little girl ever existed,

There have been dolls.

But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls.

The girls who played with them

Could only ever play at being mothers.

Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway.

Ask your mother.

This continued until... Subs/Sync: TheBiscuitMan

"Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays

Warning buzz

ting

Yes, Barbie changed everything.

Then, she changed it all again.

All of these women are Barbie,

and Barbie is all of these women.

She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit,

but she became so much more.

She has her own money, her own house,

her own car, her own career.

Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.

And this has been reflected back

Onto the little girls of today in the Real World.

Girls can grow into women,

Who can achieve everything

And anything they set their mind to.

Thanks to Barbie,

All problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved.

At least that's what the Barbies think.

After all, they're living in Barbie Land.

Who am i to burst their bubble?

And here is one of those Barbies now,

living her best day every day.

Lizzo When i wake up

In my own pink world

i get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls

Hey, Barbie, hey

She's so cool

All dolled up

Just playing chess by the pool

Come on, we got important things to do

It's her and her and me and you

And pink goes with everything

Beautiful from head to toe

I'm read' to go, you know, you know

It's pink, good enough to drink

We like other colors

But pink just looks so good on us

What you wearing? Dress or suit?

Either way, that power looks SO good on you

Hey, Barbie, i like your style

If that was really a mirror, you'd see a perfect smile

Round and round and round and round and

That's my Barbie

Go Barbie, go Barbie

That's my Barbie

That's my Barbie

Go Barbie, go Barbie

That's my Barbie

Come on, we got important things to do

It's her and her and me and you

And pink goes with everything

Beautiful from head to toe

I'm read' to go, you know, you know

- It's pink - Pretty pink

- Good enough to drink - Oh, yeah

We like other colors

But pink just looks so good on us

P, pretty

i, intelligent

N, never sad

K, cool

narrator When you're playing with Barbies...

Hi, Barbie.

..nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs

and out the door, et cetera.

You just pick them up

and put them where you want them to go.

You'd better fly, girl, yeah, yeah

narrator You use your imagination.

Lizzo Hey, i was still singin’

Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Skipper. - Hi, Barbie.

Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend.

- Hey, Midge - Let's not show Midge, actually.

She was discontinued by Mattel

because a pregnant doll is just too weird.

Anyway, Barbie has another

big day ahead of her.

- Pink - Hi, Barbie!

Goes with everything

- Hi, Barbie. - Morning, Barbie. Hi.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Another great day. - Good morning, Barbie.

Hi.

- Hey, ladies. - Good morning!

jackhammer runs

woman Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you.

Tell her how much you love her. Compliment her.

Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want.

Well, how come you're SO amazing?

No comment. laughs

Black Barbie, President Black Barbie, President

No, seriously, no comment.

laughter

i love you guys.

The Nobel Prize for Journalism goes to... Barbie.

i work very hard, so i deserve it.

And the Nobel Prize for Literature

goes to... Barbie.

You're the voice of a generation.

i Know.

In our assessment, money is not speech,

and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with.

So any claim on their part to be exercising a right

is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy.

This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it.

i have no difficulty holding both logic

and feeling at the same time.

And it does not diminish my powers, it expands them.

Oh, pink

Hi, Barbie.

What can't Barbie do?

Hi, Barbie.

Yay, space!

Gosh.

See you later

Barbie has a great day every day,

but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.

chatter

Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie! - Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Barbie.

groans

- Hi, Ken. - Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Ken. - Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Ken. - i got us both ice creams.

- Cool. - Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie! - Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbies.

- Bye, Barbies. - Bye, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

Oh, hi, Allan.

There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan.

Yeah, I'm, I... confused about that.

Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

Ken!

- Ooh! - No!

Ohh!

- gasps - Whoa!

Oh, no!

clamor

- Oh, my God! - Oh, look!

man That's gotta hurt.

- Ken. - Oh, hey, Barbie.

- Hi. - How much of that did you see?

We saw the whole thing.

Let's get you up on your feet, Ken. There you go.

- You guys are so strong. - Use your legs. There he is.

- You okay? - Yep. Totally.

Looks like this beach was

a little too much beach for you, Ken.

If i wasn't severely injured,

i would beach you off right now, Ken.

I'll beach off with you any day, Ken.

Hold my ice cream, Ken.

All right, Ken, you're on.

Let's beach off.

Anyone who wants to beach him off

has to beach me off first.

i will beach both of you off at the same time.

But you don't even know how to beach yourself off.

How you gonna beach both of us off?

Okay, all right. Kens?

Why are you getting emotional?

Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off.

Okay?

Let's go.

- Okay, okay. - Okay.

- You did so well. - You still hurt?

We'll get you fixed up.

- Go! - Go!

- Barbie, hold my hand! - You're okay.

Stay with me, Barbie!

shutter flashes

Great.

Not even broken. You'll be fine.

Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize.

You're very brave, Ken.

- Thank you, Barbie. - Yeah.

You know surfer is not even my job.

i Know.

And it is not lifeguard, which is a common misconception.

- Very common. - Because actually my job...

- ...it's just beach. - Right.

And what a good job you do at beach.

You should heal up in no time.

Actually, in the time that it took for me

to say that sentence, you healed.

- Fantastic. - Nice.

- Hey, Barbie. - Yeah?

Can i come to your house tonight?

Sure.

i don't have anything big planned.

Just a giant blowout party

with all the Barbies and planned choreography and a bespoke song.

You should stop by.

- So cool. - Yeah.

- Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye. Goodbye.

Baby, you can find me under the lights

Diamonds under my eyes

Turn the rhythm up

Don't you wanna just come along for the ride?

Ooh, my outfit so tight

You can see my heartbeat tonight

i can take the heat, baby, best believe

That's the moment i shine

‘Cause every romance shakes and it bends

Don't give a damn

When the night's here, i don't do tears

Baby, no chance

i can dance, i can dance, i can dance

- Watch me - Dance

Dance the night away

My heart could be burnin’

But you won't see it on my face

PRESIDENT

Watch me dance

Dance the night away

I'll still Keep the party runnin’

Not one hair out of place

echo Place, place

Lately I've been movin' close to the edge

Still be lookin' my best

i stay on the beat, you can count on me

i ain't missin’ no steps

‘Cause every romance shakes and it bends

Don't give a damn

When the night's here...

- Hi, Barbie. - Hi, Ken.

i could dance, i could dance, i could dance

Watch me

- Looking good, Barbie. - Thanks, Ken.

Dance the night away

My heart could be burnin’

But you won't see it on my face

Watch me dance, dance the night away

I'll still Keep the party runnin’

Not one hair out of place

- Oh, hi, Ken. - Hi!

- Yes, yes, yes! - Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie. - Barbies!

What's up, Ken?

i don't play safe

- Don't you know about me? - Uh-huh

i could dance, i could dance, i could dance

Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

I'll still Keep the party runnin’

Not one hair out of place

Bet you can't do a flip like that, Ken!

What?

This is a real rager, Barbie.

Thanks, Barbie. Gosh, this night is just perfect.

It's perfectly perfect.

And you look so beautiful, Barbie.

Thanks, Barbie. i feel so beautiful.

-Sodol. - This is the best day ever.

It is the best day ever.

And so is yesterday, and so is tomorrow,

and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays

and every day from now until forever.

Yeah, Barbie!

You guys ever think about dying?

needle scratches record

i don't know why i just said that.

I'm just dying to dance.

- music resumes - cheering

i don't play safe

- Don't you know about me? - Uh-huh

i could dance, i could dance, i could dance

Dance the night

Wow. chuckles

You can go now.

i thought i might stay over tonight.

Why?

Because we're girlfriend/boyfriend.

To do what?

I'm actually not sure.

Oh, but, i don't want you here.

Is it Ken?

Ken's just a really good friend.

And this is my Dreamhouse. It's Barbie's Dreamhouse.

It's not Ken's Dreamhouse. Right?

laughs Right as always.

Okay. And it's girls’ night.

Come on, Barbie! Slumber party!

Hurry up. The President's here.

lam. You're welcome.

- Every night is girls’ night. - Mm-hmm. Every night. Forever.

- Every night. - Forever and ever.

- Good night. - Good night.

Barbies scream and laugh

whispers i love you, too.

Barbies Girls’ night! Girls' night! Girls’ night!

i can't. i gotta go.

Barbies, chanting Girls’ night! Girls' night! Girls’ night!

Girls' night! Girls’ night! Girls’ night!

Good night, Barbies!

I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore.

birds chirping

music blares

When i wake up in my own pink world

Hi, Barbie.

i get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls

- Hey, Barbie - Hey

- Why so stressed? - Hi, Barbie.

Could it be those irrepressible...

- Hi, Barbie. - ...thoughts of death

Come on, we got important things to-- Ooh!

It's her, and her, and me and you

And pink goes with everything

Oh, that's cold

Beautiful from head to toe

I'm read' to go, you know, you know

It's pink, it's gonna be all right

Good enough to drink

We like other colors, but pink just looks so good on us

P, panic

i, I'm scared

N, nauseous

K, death

That's my Barbie

Go Barbie, go Barbie

That's my Barbie, ooh-ooh

Aah!

Oh, girl, you okay?

Hi, Barbie.

I'm fine. A-okay.

- You got it, Barbie. - Let's go, Barbie!

Great cheer, Kens.

High five!

Hey, Barbie.

Come on, Barbie. Let's run towards the water.

Okay.

My feet!

Oh, no.

Yes! So good!

Hey, Barbie.

- Hi. - Are you okay?

- Hey, Barbie. - Yeah, Barbie. i just fell.

- Fell? - I'm so embarrassed.

- Barbie doesn't get embarrassed. - i know.

Barbie, i don't even have context for this,

but my feet... my heels are on the ground.

I'm no longer on tiptoes.

That's okay. Let me see.

gasp

Flat feet!

screaming

retching

Stop it, Ken.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

i know I'm Stereotypical Barbie

and therefore don't form conjectures

concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events,

but some things have been happening that might be related.

sighs

Bad breath this morning, a cold shower,

burnt waffle, and falling off my roof.

You're malfunctioning.

What? No, I'm just, I'm-- Am i?

I've never seen this kind of malfunction before.

It's usually just hair-related.

You know, you're gonna have to visit Weird Barbie.

i have never had to visit Weird Barbie.

That's because you've never malfunctioned.

i heard that she used to be

the most beautiful Barbie of all,

but then someone played with her too hard in the Real World.

And now she's fated to an eternity

of making other Barbies perfect

while falling more and more into disrepair herself.

That, and we all call her Weird Barbie

both behind her back and also to her face.

She's so weird.

Why is she always in the splits?

Oh, i would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way.

Hello?

Oh.

Bark.

Woot.

Bark.

Hey. What's cookin', good-lookin'?

- Hi. - Welcome.

Welcome to my Weirdhouse.

- Hi, how are ya? - Nice to meet you.

Sorry about the dog crap. What can i do ya for?

i just had to come see you about my feet.

They're, um...

Flat.

Yeah.

- Never seen that before. - Really?

Whoa.

Okay. Well, can you, you know, fix them?

You're Stereotypical Barbie, right?

Mm-hmm.

That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot.

i guess.

I'd like to see what kind of nude blob

he's packing under those jeans.

- Anyway, what preceded this? - Oh, nothing.

A really fun game of volleyball.

- That's it? - Thoughts of death.

What is it?

Maybe some thoughts of death?

Thoughts of death!

- Is that a problem? - Oh.

- What? - I've heard of this.

Of course, i didn't think it was possible, but it's real.

Oh, you've done it. You've opened a portal.

i didn't open a portal.

Someone did, and now there is a rip in the continuum

that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World,

and if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie

perfect again, then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it.

Or you're gonna keep going funny.

Look at your upper thigh.

- gasps What is that? - That's cellulite.

- That's gonna spread everywhere. - What?

And then you're gonna start getting sad

and mushy and complicated.

- No! - hisses

What do i have to do?

You have to go

- to the Real World. - Okay.

And you have to find the girl who's playing with you.

Playing with me?

We're all being played with, babe.

But usually there's some kind of separation. Thanks.

There's the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross.

- The twain is crossing? - Yes.

And the girl who's playing with you, she must be sad,

and her thoughts and feelings and humanness

are interfering with your dollness.

Why would she be sad?

We fixed everything so that all women in the Real World

can be happy and powerful.

i don't know, but if you ask me,

you had something to do with this too.

Me?

- Takes two to rip a portal. - i can't have.

I've only ever wanted

for everything to stay exactly as it is.

Well, be that as it may,

the two of you are becoming inextricably intertwined.

And you gotta help her to help yourself.

girls' voices

So, should-- Whoo!

So, what'll it be then?

You can go back to your regular life

and forget any of this ever happened,

or you can know the truth about the universe.

The choice is now yours.

The first one. The high heel.

No. We'll do a re-do.

You're supposed to want to know.

i don't.

Babe, listen.

You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.

I'm not Adventure Barbie. I'm Stereotypical Barbie.

I'm like the Barbie you think of

when someone says, "Think of a Barbie."

That's me.

I'm bummed. You're a bummer. That's a bummer.

Okay, I'm ready to forget now.

No! You're doing this one!

i just gave you a choice

so you could feel some sense of control.

- So there is no option one? - No!

You have to fix the rip yourself.

Don't blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules.

Oh, i don't want to.

Fine, get cellulite. i don't care.

No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah.

Send me through the portal.

Okay. There's actually no portal.

- Oh. - It's a figure of speech.

It's actually a sports car to a speedboat,

to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike,

to a Camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr...

which will take you most of the way

to the state of Los Angeles,

where you will don neon and Rollerblades,

and enter the country of California.

Weird, i know. Best if you don't think about it too much.

And then when i get there, how do i find this girl?

You will know.

Okay. And how do i get back?

The same way you came, but in reverse.

Like i should move forward but do the order backward or go--

- Don't overthink it. - Oh. Okay.

For you see, if you do not find her and fix things,

what's ugly will become uglier,

and what's weird will become weirder.

And then you'll look like me.

Aah! Oh.

Sorry.

i understand. i set myself up for that.

- Anyway, i believe in you. - Thank you.

Go. Be careful. i love you.

- Bye. - Bye.

crowd Bon voyage to reality,

and good luck restoring the membrane

that separates our world from theirs

so you don't get cellulite!

cheering

i guess she's going without you.

You're so lost, Ken.

- laughs - She literally asked me.

And i was like, "i prefer to stay here."

Why? Are you scared?

- No. - laughs i bet you're scared.

And i bet she doesn't even want you to go.

Well, you bet both those things incorrectly,

and i bet in the opposite direction.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Which way is that? You don't even know.

i just don't want to leave.

I'm trying to find reasons not to leave.

Please stay.

I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

i just wish someone could come with me, but you can't.

i should do this alone.

- What bird am i thinking of? - Parrot.

Dolphin. i mean, no, a bird.

Pelican.

- Ohh. - Man.

We'll miss you, Barbie.

I'll be back in no time, with perfect feet,

and we'll forget that this ever happened.

And you'll get to see all the good work

we've done to fix the world.

You'll be such a hero to them.

All those grateful, powerful women

who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie.

I'll bet every woman will say thank you

and give you a really big hug.

Yes, you're right. Here i go.

Bye.

- Bye, Barbie. - Bye.

Bye, Barbie. Good luck in reality.

- Watch for cellulite! - horn honks

i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains

i looked to the children, i drank from the fountains

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less i seek my source for some definitive

Closer i am to fine

- Closer i am to fi-- - Closer i am to fi--

- Aah! - Aah!

continue screaming

panting What are you doing here?

I'm coming with you.

- No. Please get out. - i can't.

i made a double bet with Ken,

and you can't make me look uncool in front of Ken.

Ken's not cool!

He is to me.

You're just gonna slow me down.

Barbie, what if there's beach?

You'll need someone who's a professional in that.

Did you bring your Rollerblades?

i literally go nowhere without them.

- Please? - Okay.

Wow. chuckling

Let's do this.

- Can i sit in the front? - No.

narrator And so Barbie and Ken set off on their adventure

to the Real World.

- Barbie. - Wow. laughs

Yes!

Wow. This is the Real World.

Barbie, i told you there'd be beach.

Yeah.

onlookers whistle

Hmm.

Oh, yeah!

- wolf whistle - What's going on?

Give us a smile, blondie.

Why are these men looking at me?

Yeah, they're also staring at me.

Oh, love that!

Wow.

i feel kind of ill at ease, like...

i don't know the word for it, but I'm...

man Nice leotard.

..conscious, but it's myself that I'm conscious of.

Ken I'm not getting any of that.

i feel what could only be described as admired.

- man Damn, girl! - But not ogled.

man You're hot.

And there's no undertone of violence.

Mine very much has an undertone of violence.

Oh, look, a construction site.

We need that good feminine energy.

- Yeah. - Ladies! Yoo-hoo.

- Oh. - You got fries with that shake?

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Have i died and gone to heaven?

Is that a mirror in your pocket?

Baby, you are an angel.

i can see myself in your shorts.

i don't know exactly what you meant

with all of those little quips,

but I'm picking up on some sort of entendre,

which appears to be double,

and i would just like to inform you,

i do not have a vagina.

And he does not have a penis.

We don't have genitals.

- That's okay. - Yeah.

- Yeah, whatever. Yeah. - It's cool.

i have all the genitals.

Geez, you would think

a construction site at lunch time

would be the perfect place for a little woman power,

but this one was so... male.

Everything is almost like... reversed here.

Oh, look.

The Supreme Court.

- Ken They're so smart. - Yeah.

man Yeah, Brian, do it, bro!

slap

i love me a leotard.

i love the elbow pads.

i think we should get some different clothes.

We look great.

- i love fringe. - i love denim.

- Ha ha ha ha! - laughs

Hey, man.

You guys gotta pay for that stuff.

She looks even better in more clothes.

Because you can imagine more.

You know what? Keep ‘em.

Weird Barbie said i would know how to find this girl,

but i have no idea.

Hmm.

What would a smart Barbie do?

i just need to clear my mind so i can think.

Who is playing with me?

i hate it when people think. i get so bored.

Faster i figure it out, the faster we get to go home.

- What am i supposed to do? - Ken!

- Go for a walk or something. - By myself?

- Yes. - Really? Where?

Anywhere.

- Can i go that way? - Yes. Okay.

- Don't go far. - Okay!

exhales

man Excuse me, sir.

Thanks, man.

What's up, man?

We've got to man up on this one.

Great workout, man.

men Men, men, men.

- You're the man! - No, you're the man!

Men, men, men.

horse neighs

Based on the ROI, we are exceeding expectations.

Good stuff.

I'm not worried about it.

Not now, Margaret. Let's shake on this.

We are gonna make a lot of money.

We are officially important.

- businessmen laugh - Mm-hmm.

gunshot

Yes!