Original subtitles

(Orchestral music)

(Water burbles)

(Eerie music)

(Orchestral music)

(Unsettling music)

(Tune-yards' 'Jamaican')

♪ Crazy days of crumpets in a crazy raisin rhyme.

♪ Sell it for a nickel when you buy it for a dime.

♪ Underneath the water is a crackle and a line.

♪ Lay upon your belly like a stone along your spine.

♪ I see you.

♪ I see you.

♪ Oh, yes I do.

♪ I see you.

♪ I see you.

♪ Ooh, she's not Jamaican.

♪ See, I told you so.

♪ She's all white; She's not black.

♪ She doesn't have any soul.

♪ Get soul. ♪

www.able.co.nz copyright able 2023

(bike bell dings repeatedly)

(Indistinct chatter)

Oi. Mason. Leave that kid alone.

Here you go.

- Is it bad? - Isn't it always?

- What's the passcode? - 8008.

- I'll call the parents; You issue a warning. - Yeah, yeah.

We need to follow protocol on this, penny. All right?

One, deal with it sensitively.

Two, issue a warning that any further behaviour's gonna result in immediate suspension.

And, three, be open and— - yeah, I know rules, ru; I helped write them.

(Moaning on video)

(Students chatter indistinctly)

Ohhh, fuck, yes.

(Moaning on video continues)

- Morena, everyone. - Students: Morena.

(Students exclaim, chuckle)

What's going on here?

Can anyone tell me? What's happening?

She's excited they lowered the price of pies.

- Excited cos the price of pies went down. - 100%.

Yep, 100%. Ok. Any other ideas?

- Trip over and face plant. - What?

- She tripped over and face planted. - Yeah, looks like a face plant to me. But it's not.

- Ok, anyone else? What is this? - Nah, uh, it's a porno, miss. - It's a porno.

10 points.

Ok, this is a still from some pornography that we've found on a student's phone at school today.

(Students murmur)

All right, shh, shh, shh.

Ok.

You guys are all 14, 15, right,

which means that there's a bunch of hormones that are sloshing around your bodies,

making all sorts of things change...

Your testicles are growing and dropping; Your penis is getting longer.

- (Chuckles) - No, no, don't laugh. Don't laugh.

It is really important to understand this stuff scientifically.

So, these reproductive hormones — these hormones that make you wanna make babies...

Are causing you, quite rightly, to think about sex all the time and get erections all the time.

Am I right?

It's a scientific fact. But here's the thing...

In your everyday life, you're not exposed to this kind of sexual behaviour.

Well, I hope you're not.

But it's right there on your phone, easily accessible.

So what are you gonna do? You're curious. Of course you're curious. So you're gonna look at it.

And when you look at it, it triggers a release of dopamine in your brain.

Dopamine — what's dopamine? Anyone?

- Yep. - Like, being happy.

Yeah, happy feelings. So it releases the happy feeling in your brain,

so you're gonna wanna watch more of it again and again and again and again and again. Of course.

But here's the thing about pornography...

The more you watch, the more difficult it becomes to feel that happy feeling,

so you're gonna watch more — More hardcore, nasty stuff.

And then what's worse is that when you finally become lucky enough to have a real-life sex partner

that you can have real-life sex with, it won't live up to your expectations,

because this partner of yours won't be a porn star,

won't have fake everything and faking everything,

and neither will you have a mega, artificially enlarged penis, will you?

So you're gonna feel inadequate, and maybe some of you won't even be able to get an erection,

which would be just sad.

Look, I know — I know this is embarrassing to talk about, but it's important,

cos sex is wonderful, and don't let this shit ruin it for you.

Ok, repeat after me — 'thank you, miss wilding, for saving my sex life.'

students: Thank you, miss wilding, for saving my sex life.

Ok, plant cells. Open your books.

(Jessb's 'bullseye' plays on stereo)

- On stereo: ♪ do ya dance, yeah, you know you something. - ♪ ...You something.

♪ Do ya dance, yeah, you know you something.

- ♪ Hit it once, hit it twice. - ♪ ...Once, hit it twice.

- ♪ Never miss. It's a bull's-eye. - (Mouths)

- ♪ Hit it once, hit it twice. - ♪ hit it once, hit it twice.

- ♪ Never miss. It's a bull's-eye. - ♪ never miss. It's a bull's-eye. - It's a bull's-eye!

- ♪ It's a bull's-eye. - ♪ It's a bull's-eye. - It's a bull's-eye!

♪ It's a bull's-eye.

Raps: ♪ only type of light that I ever hide from is the red and blue lights.

♪ I don't sing their song. ♪

Ooh, watch out, watch out. This way.

Nice job. Come on. This way. Walt.

See if you can see him.

Looking, looking, looking.

What? Oh, he's not even here.

(Chuckles)

(Whizzing)

(Blows raspberry)

Can you stop playing with it, please?

(Mechanical squeaking)

(Whizzing) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Walt.

Stop playing with it, please.

See if we can see grandad, ok?

No.

No.

(Chuckles)

Hey.

- (Chuckles) - (Chuckles)

Hiya.

(Chuckles)

- Hi, dad. - Rarr! (Laughs)

- Oh! (Laughs) - (Gasps)

- Who is this fine specimen? - (Chuckles) - I'm Walt!

Oh!

- Shall we drive this? Shall we drive it? - What?

- Ok. (Imitates engine revving) - (Laughs)

(Students chatter indistinctly)

Hey, Jules. Can I have a word?

I deleted it.

If I catch you with this stuff on your phone again at school,

you're gonna give a speech at assembly about everything I've said today, and then you'll be suspended.

- This is your official warning. You understand? - Yes.

Good. See you at the game.

Get it, Duncan! (Teams shout indistinctly)

Yep!

Ball up. Come on, central.

Attack. Ahh.

Ball up.

Mark your man. Come on.

Come on, central. Get it together.

- I could just kill the little shit. - Defence!

- I think it's really normal teenage stuff. - What is?

- Kids watching porn. - Yeah, well, you wouldn't say that if you saw it.

How bad was it?

- Jules. Come on, Jules. - Get out of there. Drive out of the...

- I told you to put a block on his phone. - I know that. I know that.

What's he doing here? (Indistinct shouting continues)

(Shouting muffles, high-pitched ringing)

(Orchestral string music builds)

Voicemail: Hey, it's grace. Leave a message. (Beep!)

Grace. Grace, I've just seen your father. I mean, he— he— here at the basketball court.

Did you know he was coming back?

Fuck.

(Breathes deeply)

(Orchestral string music continues)

(Muffled cheering)

(Shoes squeak)

Hiya.

I don't know if grace told you, but I've got a teaching post at Wakefield.

What do you want?

Just to say hello.

We're grandparents now, remember?

- Hey, Phil. How you doing, mate? - Hey, man. How are you? - Yeah, good.

Ok, meat lovers, vegetarian, chicken or you don't care?

- Bridge, I really don't think that I can come. - We got team pizzas at ours.

- Woman: Phil? Phil, is that you? - See ya later. - Hey, yeah.

You are not leaving me alone to deal with that spoodle.

That is actual drool. Ugh. It's revolting.

- This is home. - Oh, second home. - It's been a very long time.

- Come on. - Come on, Jules.

Oh, you're looking well.

(Seagulls squawk)

(Loud popping)

- Wow, that's loud. - Whoa!

Hey, pen.

Thanks for coming. Bridge is inside.

Hey, Joe.

- Laughs: Hurry up. - Here we go.

(Subdued music)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey. How you doing?

- Mm. - You sure?

Did you get a hold of grace?

- Mum, do we have any more pizza? - They just never stop eating.

Thanks for, um, rescuing me earlier.

Yeah, no worries. Can't believe he just rocked up after, like, what, four years?

- Five. - Do you think he's back for good?

- Actually, can we change the subject? - Yeah. Um...

Oh, yeah, you know how last week we were talking about the micro plastics

and how they affect the plankton reproduction cycle? Well, we're— - Simon. I swear to god.

- What? - No.

She hates me talking about that stuff at parties. She finds it depressing.

- Cos it is depressing. - I like depressing. - Yeah, it should be depressing.

- Oh god, you two are as bad as each other. - (Chuckles) Um...

Anyway...

Ok, here we go. Flagellum. There you go. Yeah.

- Oh my god. Look at that whip. It's got a whip. - Yeah.

Yeah, right, that there is the flagellum.

- A fa— flagellum? - Sounds like he'd have fun with that.

- James. - Oh, you're being sexist. - Oh my god. (Chuckles)

- Could be a woman. - Could be a dominatrix fish.

A bit of whipping to go with the water play.

- Yeah, well, you're giving away all our sex secrets now. - Oh, hey, I don't like the whip.

- This one cried. - Aw, James.

- Cry at some things. - I cry at some things.

Why does everyone think it's necessary to discuss their sex lives?

I'm not interested in what goes on behind closed doors.

- (Chuckles) Did it make you uncomfortable, Sarah? - No.

You sure?

Come on. It's the 21st century.

I would've thought as a modern woman and mum that you'd be really happy talking about everything,

especially with your kids, wouldn't you think?

I mean, you know, back in the day, women weren't allowed to talk about anything,

- and that's what made us kind of victims, right? - Here we go. The penny lectures.

- I like talking about sex. - Shut up.

Suddenly, every second woman's a victim.

(Exclaims) Are you saying that no woman is a victim?

I'm just saying that I think a lot of women make false accusations

that completely destroy innocent men's lives.

Chuckles: Ok, shall we move this conversation along?

Hold on, Bridget.

How do you know they're innocent, Sarah?

(Chuckles) Just because you're a woman doesn't automatically mean you're telling the truth.

I mean, sometimes they have ulterior motives.

So speaks the resident misogynist.

(Chuckles) How can I be a misogynist? I'm a woman.

Oh my god.

Penny.

Hey, wait up.

- This is why I didn't wanna come, bridge. - Just ignore it.

As if that's ever been possible.

Come on. I just meant that...

(Gentle music)

(Grunts)

(High-pitched ringing)

(Muffled music plays)

Muffled: ♪ it all came tumblin' down.

Stereo: ♪ oh, yes, a-tumblin', a-tumblin'...

Muffled: ♪ a-tumblin' down, a-tumblin', a-tumblin', a-tumblin'...

Stereo: ♪ down.

♪ A-tumblin', a-tumblin'...

Muffled: ♪ a-tumblin' down. My love came tumblin' down

♪ the days are long...

Stereo: ♪ ...And nights are lonely...

- Shots. Shots, shots, shots. - Yes!

- Come and have a ciggie. - Yeah, yeah, in a minute. I'll see you in a minute.

- Ye-ah. - Hey, Tom, how many have you had?

- How many have you had? Come on. - Cheeky. - On three.

One, two...

- Cheater! - (Chuckles)

- Oh... again. - Hey, slow down.

- Yes, auntie penny. - Fuck off.

- Cousin penny sounds weird. - (Laughs)

Hey, grace.

Put something on. You can see everything.

What do you mean? It's literally the same as a bikini, mum.

No, no, no, it is totally inappropriate for your father's birthday.

- Is it? - What? - My top.

- It's fine. - It's not fine. - Thank you.

- It's fine. - What's the big deal with breasts anyway?

I thought you wanted me to be all feminist.

Listen, I'm old; You're 15, and flashing these us not feminist.

Yes, it is, mum. Guys go round all the time shirts off — no one says anything.

- Breasts. Breasts. - It's not funny.

- Breasts. Yes, it's funny. It is funny. - Stop it.

- Breasts. Breasts. Breasts. - Stop it. Stop it.

- Hey, Phil. Phil, can you do something about your daughter, please? - Mm.

- I wanna dance with my daughter. - Please get her to put a t-shirt on.

- Gran, put the chips down. - Let's dance.

Go, gran. Go, gran.

Oh yeah.

Good girls. Let's boogie.

(Peking man's 'room that echoes' plays)

Ollie, come on. Show us your moves.

Hey, come on. No sulking. No sulking.

- Come on, grumpy. - I don't want to. I really don't want to.

♪ Now that the wall is completed,

♪ I'm taking time to build a house.

♪ I'm gonna build a room that echoes...

Muffled: ♪ around and around and around with its own sound.

♪ 'Round and around.

♪ I won't need to be there. ♪

(Door creaks, bangs)

(Gentle piano music)

Just watch for that shortening there.

Watch the way the light breaks.

You've all had a chance to read the letter to the editor I drafted re burley fisheries.

Does anyone have any feedback?

Only that it's a total waste of time.

- That's a bit unfair, penny. - Oh, come on. They got busted for fishing inside the reserve.

All they got was a piss-weak fine, and now we're writing a disapproving letter?

I agree it's frustrating, penny,

but what can sea saviours do when they've already been through the courts?

Oh my god. Protest.

Protest, remember?

Their boat is sitting out there when it should've been confiscated.

We should be picketing their factories.

We should be calling the media. We should be calling for a ban on their fish,

otherwise they are just gonna keep doing it.

I would've stopped them back in the day.

Well, perhaps we can start by sending a letter to the ministry

- voicing our disappointment over the fine. - Hear, hear. Yeah.

(Bicycle brakes squeak)

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, I might've reacted better if you'd given me some warning he was coming back.

- How long have you known? - What difference does it make, mum? He can come back if he wants to.

- It's got nothing to do with you. - Yeah, but why didn't you tell me, grace?

Can we just not talk about it right now? (Car boot shuts)

- Is that the last of mum's stuff? - There's a couple more boxes inside.

- It's a pretty small room, grace. - Yeah, I know that.

How's she coping?

Bravely.

And you?

You mean about us sticking gran into a rest home or me and Walt having to move out?

(Sighs heavily)

God, I hate the thought of someone else living here.

You know, the agent called. They've got someone interested. $750 a week — semi-furnished.

Oh, yeah?

Shall we leave them these?

Unless you want them.

- Do you want them? - No. (Chuckles)

- Gran: Are they dirty? - Walt: Yeah.

- Are they for Tom? - You take that one.

That's so dirty.

- Hello, gorgeous boy. - Nana, look.

Have you been helping uncle Tom, Walt?

(Gasps) What are they? What have you got?

- Apples. - Apples.

They're so yum.

(Chuckles)

- Congratulations, Tom. - Thank you.

- You get my flowers? - Yeah, yeah. Sorry, things have been a bit crazy.

- Oh, of course they have. - How's Kate?

- Yeah, good. - Yeah, you know, exhausted.

You're gonna be a great dad, you know.

Yeah, well, I've had heaps of practice with this one.

These are all the three giant ones.

- Ready to go? - Big, giant...

- Off to the funny farm. - Oh, don't say that.

- It's a grand life if you don't weaken. - Yep.

(Person coughs)

- Here we are, joy. - Home sweet home.

- Loudly: Beautiful apples, joy. I'll just find a bowl for those. - Ok.

- That chair's a bit of a squeeze, mum. - No, no, it'll be— it'll be fine.

- Perfect timing. Tea and bikkies, everyone? - That'd be lovely, thanks.

The first few days can be hard, but they do settle in.

Thank you, Francis.

- I'm not deaf yet. - (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

I should be the one looking after her, like she looked after me and Walt. It's just wrong.

Mm. I know.

She will be fine. You know she will.

Come on. Give her a week. She'll be running the place.

(TV plays indistinctly)

(Soft intriguing music)

Nature's first green is gold...

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her only leaf's a flower, but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

Oh my god. She so goes home and fucks your husband in her mind.

So dawn goes down to day.

Who invited her?

- Muffled: Phil. - Nothing gold can stay.

That, my friends, is how it feels to get fucking old. Cheers. (Laughter)

- Ka rawe. Did you make that, joy? - Yeah, apparently, I'm not capable. - Well, to be honest, you're not.

- No, no, mum. No, wait, wait, wait. I'm just gonna get grace. - Oh, well, hurry.

(Indistinct chatter downstairs, Phil sings)

Grace.

- Oh, what the hell? - Mum, fuck off! (Vomits)

- Oh, gross, gross. - All right, you — you, go get your father.

- Ollie. Ollie. Come on. Come on. - (Vomits) - Oh, yuck.

Ollie, how much have you had to drink?

- How much? - Groans: I don't know.

- In there. - Sorry.

Who stole the Tequila — Was it you or grace?

- (Whimpers, vomits) - In the bucket. Oh my god. - Oh dear. (Chuckles)

- I'll get this, hon. You go in there. - All right.

- How are you, young man? - I'll call his parents — get them to come and pick him up.

- No, no, no, please don't. - Please don't.

- You can spend the night here. - It's fine.

- Oh, for fuck's sake, Phil. - All right. Oh, whoa, whoa.

- No! No, no, not on the bed. Not on the bed. - Hold on. Up you get. Up you get.

- Kylie— Kylie, give me a hand here, would you? - Oh.

- Yeah, take an arm. There you go. - He's all wet.

- He can sleep in the spare bed. - Great (!) Well, if he chokes on his own vomit, it's on you.

Oh, you're all heart, pen (!)

(TV plays indistinctly)

Oh shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

(Sighs)

Oh fuck! Come on.

(Sighs)

(Tuts)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Bike bell dings)

- Oh Jesus. - (Laughs)

- What do you think? Can you fix it? - Dunno. Come and see me tomorrow, and I'll give you another one.

- Ok. - Wait, hold up.

- So, you're lying on the sofa drinking wine and doing what? - Marking assignments.

- Ugh. - What?

I was hoping there was some hot sex involved. You know?

Jesus. Ella, this is me we're talking about.

You need to actually get out there and show your ex-hoa exactly what he's missing out on.

- Are people talking? - Just the Phil fan club.

Actually, I think they made a chat group.

- What? - (Laughs)

God, you're so easy to wind up. (Laughs)

- You're an arsehole. - Thank you!

Hey, penny.

A few of us are catching up with Phil on Friday night. You should come along.

- Fuck off, Kevin. - Just trying to be friendly.

- Thought you'd love a piss-up with the old crew like old times. - Like I said, fuck off.

(Clears throat)

- Ok, come on, fellas. - Come up the front.

Bring your pens and notebooks.

That means you as well, Nathan.

All right, I've got a treat for you today — Some good old-fashioned rat dissection.

This guy here is my little mate...

Philip.

Is it even legal?

Oh, kahu. How lovely of you to grace us with your presence. Do you wanna do the honours?

- Nah, it's against my principles. - Oh! Oh, and what are they?

- Oh, I'm a vegetarian. - Oh. Well, no one's asking you to eat it.

But it's still exploitation of animals — didn't ask to be born a lab rat.

Well, it's not a lab rat. It lived a blissful life in my compost heap

until it was lured into a trap by some really yummy peanut butter, and, bang, here it is.

Ok, anybody else?

Come on.

You lot are such a bunch of wimps. Ok, come closer. It's dead. It won't bite. All right. Here we go.

Look closely, sketch and learn.

Very similar to the human digestive system.

(Indistinct chatter)

- Your assignment's overdue. - Yeah.

Ok, come on. Walk with me.

It's not just your assignment. If you don't start turning up, I'm gonna have to report you.

- And? - Your mum's gonna love that (!) - Whatever.

Should I be reading that as a cry for help?

- No. - Pick that up.

All right, stop.

Stop.

I wanna know why my top student is behaving like such a loser.

- The world's melting down, and you want an essay on human homeostasis. - Yeah, I see the irony. I do. I do.

But I also see a really smart kid who's wallowing in pessimism instead of doing something.

Oh god, you're trying to make this into an inspiring teacher moment.

Oh, don't behave like such an arsehole, kahu.

- On my desk in the morning. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey! I told you to pick that up.

- Grilled pear. Will you make me some when I take you home? - Yep.

- What does it taste like? - A little bit spicy but...

- A little bit spicy? - Yeah, but it's not that spicy.

And what would you eat with grilled pear? Would you eat broccoli with it?

No. Maybe that would be a little bit gross.

- Seven! - Seven!

- Eight! - Eight!

- Nine! - Nine!

- 10! - 10!

- 11! - 11!

- Eight! - Eight! (Both laugh)

Oh, let's start again.

- One! - One!

♪ Her name is farty the dinosaur.

♪ She does those farts that we adore.

♪ They really make your day.

♪ They're heard from miles away.

♪ We all love farty the dinosaur! ♪

- Grace: I'm home. - I'm in here. (Song continues on TV)

These aren't his shoes.

Well, they were by his bag.

- Everything's named, mum. You have to check. - Ok.

- What are you doing? - I'm, uh, sorting out mum's stuff.

That's rubbish.

That's charity.

- Do you want this? - Um...

I don't know.

- And how much of the kitchen stuff do you wanna keep? - All of it.

Well, I haven't got room to store all of it.

Gran said that I could stay here as long as I wanted.

Yeah, well, we can't afford that. We need the rent money for the rest home. You know that.

Dad's gonna pay it.

What?

Uh, how come?

Well, he needs a place to rent, and it would just make sense that he would move in with me and Walt.

No. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He can't live here. This is my family home.

It's— it's not the family home. I'm the one that's been living here the past five years.

- Oh, for fuck's sake! - That's not the fucking point!

Can you not speak like that in front of Walt?

- Whose idea was this — yours or his? - He's my dad.

Is it really that hard for you to understand that maybe he just wants to help me out?

- I thought that's what I was doing. - I've just...

I've just painted the spare room for Walt.

- Don't do that. - Don't try and guilt-trip me.

(Seagulls squawk)

(Bike brakes squeak)

Fuck you.

(Mechanical whirring)

(Grunts)

(Orchestral string music)

(Grunts)

(String music continues)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Beeping)

Whispers: Oh, fuck, no.

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Indistinct voices in distance)

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

(Indistinct voices continue)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Spray can rattles)

(Boat engine revs)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

- Can you see anyone? - Nah.

The nets — someone's cut the lot.

(Voices continue indistinctly)

- There! In the kayak. I see him. - (Grunts)

(Tense music)

(Exclaims)

(Grunts)

(Gasps for breath)

(Boat engine revs)

(Pants)

(Gasps)

(Grunts)

- Watch out for the rocks. - Pull up there.

He's up the beach. You little fucker.

Fuck it.

- Where'd he go? - Can't have gone far.

- He must have gone behind the houses. - You go check.

We've got your kayak, you fuckin' prick!

(Shower runs)

(Groans)

Aah.

(Groans)

(Soft thudding)

(Footsteps move slowly)

(Dog barks in distance)

Calling the fucking cops.

Get off my property.

Shh. It's me.

- It's me. - What the fuck?

Is everything ok, penny?

- It's ok, Graham. - It's me. It's Phil.

Phil.

- You're back. - Yeah, I'm sorry to disturb you, mate.

Oh, ok, well, uh...

- Drop by sometime. - I will, mate. I will. Thanks. Goodnight.

Night.

I was getting the long board for grace. I want her to get back into surfing.

All right, well, just take it and fucking go.

Listen, I know this is tough for you, but could you meet me halfway?

Would you come to Walt's birthday party next weekend?

It would mean the world to grace. It would mean the world to Walt.

At your mum's house. If you want— if...

(High-pitched ringing)

(The exponents' 'who loves who the most' plays)

♪ Cos it's tearing me in two...

- Mum. - Mm.

- Did you see Phil? - Uh, what, is he on the deck? - No. No, no.

♪ You seem familiar.

♪ Oh, you seem so close.

♪ I wonder on a lonely night like this... ♪

(music fades)

(Low orchestral music)

(Soft groaning)

(Soft groaning)

Shh.

(Keys jangle)

Five years you've peddled this shit, and the only person it hurts is grace.

I just don't think it's appropriate Walt's sitting on his lap.

- Get out! - No.

- Get out of the car! - No. No.

I know who you are, ms wilding.

(Grunts)

- That was an official warning. - What were you thinking?

- I'm sorry. - No, no, no, it's ok.

- I'm so sorry. - Penny, it's...