Original subtitles

(Cable car bell dinging)

(Crickets chirping)

- Man: Good night, John. - (Car door shuts)

Good evening, your excellency.

Good evening, Mrs. Russel.

Did the... Did the meeting go well?

Oh, very well, indeed. In fact, lfeel certain

now that the opera gala will be a triumph.

Isn't that marvelous?

It's so exciting, so ecumenical, so...

Precisely. Good night, Mrs. Russel.

Good night, your excellency.

(Grunts)

(Thuds)

(The m/kado playing)

Whoo, great!

(Overlapping conversations)

Perfect!

Very sharp. Thank you.

- Janice, Greg, hello. - Hi! How are you?

- You look so lovely. - Sally: Thank you. Thank you, Bob.

So, congratulations on your...

Cocktail?

(Overlapping chatter)

Thank you.

- (Guests laughing) - Female voice: See you later.

(Ambient music playing)

Excuse me.

Uh-oh. There we go. My fault. Very much my fault.

(Ice cubes rattling)

(Spoons clattering)

Hey! Come over here. I want to talk to you.

Sit down.

Now, what's this about you leaving?

I want to take a ride along the coast,

and then I have to get back to the city.

And don't worry, I promise I'll be here for your wedding.

You better. I need you.

So, what's going on tonight?

Oh, nothing special. I'm gonna go to a movie.

- By yourself? - Gloria: Yes.

Gloria, this has got to stop.

Just because you've had one bad experience

doesn't mean that you give up.

I haven't given up. I came to this party, didn't I?

Sally: Oh, ever since the divorce,

you lock yourself in that library and hide behind those glasses.

Look at you. You used to be a cheerleader.

Used to show some cleavage.

- What? - Let's see some skin. Shake your Booty.

Take some chances. What are you playing, old maid?

- I'm not playing anything. - Sally: That's the trouble.

Okay. Okay. I get the message.

Sure you do. Now, take tonight.

- (Gloria sighs) - Why don't you go out there and mingle?

Pick someone. Oh, just a second.

(Clears throat)

She's right, you know.

What?

Nice party, a lot of chances.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping is not nice?

My single worst problem as a child.

I'll never forget my mother and parole officer

getting together with the priest,

- discussing the difficulties I'd had... - Excuse me. I've got to go.

You're gonna love this. Hey, come on.

I'm sorry. I was just kidding around.

I, uh, I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yes, and it seems to be in your mouth.

Okay, I deserve that. Listen. It's Gloria, right?

You're a really nice girl, and I'm a nice guy.

And you're very pretty, with or without cleavage and...

What do you say? Would you like to take a shower?

I don't pick up strange men.

- Well, that's your problem. - So, why don't you try it?

(Gentle music playing)

(Clears throat)

(Singing) You remind me I live in a shell

safe from the past and doing okay

but not very well

no jolts, no surprises

no crisis arises

my life goes along as it should

it's all very nice but not very good

and I'm ready

to take a chance again

ready to put my love on the line

with you

been living with nothing to show for it

you get what you get when you go for it

and I'm ready to take a chance again with you

When she left me

in all my despair

I just held on

my hopes were all gone

then I found you there

and I'm

ready to take a chance again

ready to put my love on the line with you

been living with nothing to show for it

you get what you get when you go for it

and I'm ready to take a chance again

ready to put my love on the line with you

been living with nothing to show for it

you get what you get when you go for it

and I'm ready to take a chance again

ready to take a chance again

with you

with you

(Singing) La, da, da, da when you go for it, well...

(Engine rewing)

Hi. Thanks.

I'm really in a bind. I've got to be in the city by 5:00.

- Well, I'm going... - Thanks.

Okay.

What was wrong with your car?

- Radiator. - Oh, too bad.

(Clicks tongue) You live in the city?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

So do I. It's fun, isn't it?

Yeah.

(Suspense music playing)

Gloria: Looks like we might have some rain.

Of course, you never know San Francisco weather.

One day, it's wet and foggy,

and three hours later, it's bright sunshine.

- What's your name? - Gloria.

That's a pretty name.

Thank you.

Mine's Bob Scott. Everybody calls me Scotty.

Nice to meet you.

It's really nice to meet you.

It's not every day I get, uh, rescued

by a girl in a yellow convertible.

- Cigarette? - No, thanks, I don't smoke.

Yeah. I'm trying to give 'em up myself.

- You'll live longer. - Yeah.

(Ominous music playing)

That's my plan.

Aw, come on, Gloria. It'll be fun.

Oh, I don't know.

Look. I'll meet you in front of the theater.

Where'd you say it was?

The nuart on union street.

Come on, Gloria. Take a chance.

What have you got to lose? I'll buy the popcorn.

Oh, all right.

But it is a retrospective, you know?

Scott: Hey, I love old movies.

Huh. Damn it. Three left.

(Engine running)

Gloria, do me a favor. Uh...

Would you hold these for me till this evening?

I'm trying to keep it down to a pack a day.

Okay, if it'll help.

Scott: It will be a big help. Believe me.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I'll just put them in your purse.

Gee, got to run.

See you at the movies.

Eight o'clock sharp.

(Ominous music playing)

(Rain pattering)

(Thunderclaps)

(Pops)

(Suspense music playing)

(Door creaking)

Oh!

Well, hello there.

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

(Coughs)

I know. The weather's awful outside.

That's why I bought my ticket and came on in.

(Whispers) Cigarettes.

Oh, I don't think they'll let you smoke in here, Scotty.

Here, have some popcorn. Go ahead, take it. I'm finished.

You see, the film...

Oh, well, you haven't missed much.

You see the man in the overcoat?

He's waiting for the Chinese sailor,

the one Alan ladd thinks kidnapped the old gypsy.

But the secretary told the cabdriver that...

Oh, wait a minute.

(Gasping)

(Wheezes)

(Sighs)

There's going to be a murder.

Oh, I'm sure of it.

The police...

Contact the police.

Well, actually the cabdriver is with the police,

except the Chinese sailor doesn't know that.

What?

The dwarf.

Beware... of the dwarf.

Gee, Scotty,

I don't think there is a dwarf in this movie.

(Grunts)

Scotty, are you all right?

Scotty? (Screams)

(Screams)

(Audience screaming)

(Police siren wailing)

Oh. Come quickly! There's a man dead in there.

- Where? - Gloria: In there.

I'm sorry. You'll have to see the manager.

- Gloria: Where is he? - In his office.

But I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

(Whimpering)

- Handsome Harry... - Gloria: Are you the manager?

- (Gasps) Uh, yes. - (Shrieks)

Gloria: Quickly, a man's been killed!

Killed? What? Where?

In there! Stop the film. Call the police.

Uh, Fred... (Stutters) Turn off the projector.

Put on the house lights. Quickly, come with me.

Not in my theater.

Harry!

(Crowd grumbling)

All right. Okay.

He's gone!

What the hell is this?

Gloria: My date, he was right here.

Who?

My date!

- He... he was right here, I swear! - Harry: Mm-hmm.

Your date is the one who's supposed to be dead?

Yes! He was sitting right next to me.

I gave him my popcorn. Where is it?

(Overlapping chatter)

Okay. All right, lady. Just come with me. All right.

- We'll have it on in a minute. - (Man whistles)

You've got to believe me.

- Harry: Yeah. - Did you see my date?

Harry: Look, we'll talk about it in the lobby, huh? But...

I believe you, really. Did you see my date? Did you see him?

Come on. We'll talk in the lobby. Okay!

(Audience clamoring)

All right!

You tell Fred to start that projector and bring down those house lights.

You've got to believe me!

Lady, you made a fool out of me in there.

I saw you out front.

- You didn't have any date. - No, he came in late.

He was all wet and bleeding.

(Door slams)

Sylvia. Where you going, honey?

Look, I'm sorry, Harry. Intermission's in 20 minutes,

and I got to go warm up the, uh, wienies.

But Sylvia... s... Sylvia!

He said, "beware of the dwarf."

Dwarf? Listen.

Why don't you do me and you a great big favor?

Why don't you just go home and sleep this whole thing off?

I don't understand. He was dead!

I don't know what could've happened to him!

Listen.

You shouldn't go to picture shows like this

and smoke that stuff if it's gonna affect you

the way it does, huh?

Dingbat!

(Door closes)

(Suspense music playing)

(Tires squealing)

(Dramatic music playing)

(Pants)

(Eerie music playing)

(Screams)

Oh. (Pants) Oh, Mr. Hennesey, it's you.

Whatever happened to you, my darlin'?

You look like you've seen the dead.

(Pants) I have.

Ooh. In that case, come inside. Tell me about it.

Have a nice hot cup of tea.

But it was so real.

And that warning about the murder was so sinister.

Oh, my darling Gloria,

people just don't drop dead in cinemas

watchin' horror movies and whisperin',

"look out for the elf."

It was, "beware of the dwarf."

Well, whatever.

He was playing a prank, that lad, that's all.

You shouldn't take it so seriously.

Well, he did act rather strangely.

Well, you see?

So you don't think I should call the police?

The police? Whatever for?

I don't know. I just have this strange feeling

that somebody's trying to kill me!

Mr. Hennesey: To kill yez?

What, you're gonna call the police and... a...

And tell 'em that you have a strange feeling?

I mean, uh, they got killings of their own

to worry about, you know?

You're probably right.

Mr. Hennesey: They have killings and executions

and assassinations.

I think it's time we made murder a four-letter word.

- Would you have a cookie? - Okay.

- (Chomping) They're good! - Mr. Hennesey: Aren't they?

Well, when you've been an anthropologist as long as I have,

you're working most of the time in the field,

you... you acquire what my old father used to call,

"culinary expertise."

I remember in, uh, Africa, in Kenya,

I was studying the ibutu tribe, fascinating society.

And we could take a leaf from their book,

if they had books.

But they did have this wizened old witch doctor,

and his name was kiyato.

And he was a pretty good cook.

Here, I've got a picture of him, I'll show you.

(Plate clatters) Oh!

Esme, get away from those cookies.

Esme, get away! Get away from that, y'hear?

Oh, poor Esme. You frightened her.

Hennesey: Well, she's getting too uppity.

She steals me out of house and home.

Don't you, you wicked girl? Don't you?

Where was I? Ah, yes, the ibutu.

This is a commendable society.

It has severe taboos on murder and light taboos on sex.

Thank you, Mr. Hennesey, you've been wonderful.

Well, you're my favorite tenant.

And if anything disturbs you in the middle of the night,

you just scream!

And I'll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass...

(Roars, screams)

(Chuckles, smooches)

Good night. I'll remember that.

H en n esey: Esme?

Male newscaster: Pope pius xlll, on the first leg of his American tour,

today addressed a special meeting

of the United Nations general assembly in New York.

Stressing the urgency of world peace

and international Harmony, the smiling 72-year-old pontiff

received a warm reception, with the UN delegates

frequently breaking into spontaneous applause

during his speech.

New York is the first of five stops for his holiness in this country.

He 'ii meet with the president and congressional leaders

tomorrow in the nation's capital,

then travel to Chicago and Los Angeles,

with a final stop here in San Francisco

before flying on to Japan.

Vice president Abernathy arrives in Guam tonight,

ready to begin talks tomorrow

with foreign ministers of the now-defunct sea to pact.

The purpose of the new meetings

is to establish a new framework within which...

(Eerie music playing)

(Ambient music playing)

- Want to have lunch today? - Yeah.

- Listen. I got a lot to tell you. - Oh, yeah?

- (Whispers) What? - I'll tell you at lunch.

Stella: Really, Gloria.

You know the percentage of rapes from hitchhikers?

Have you any idea?

Gloria: No. Stella: Plenty.

And look at you with no protection.

Well, he didn't seem to be after sex.

Rape is not an act of sex. Rape is an act of violence.

Remember that.

Suppose that guy attacked you instead of pulling that weird stunt

in the theater, huh? What would you have done?

I would've hit him with my umbrella.

Talk about ancient.

Really, honey. You got to drag yourself into the '70s.

You got to get some merchandise.

You see this?

It's called, "the screamer."

They make a grab for your tits, you just flick the switch.

(Alarm blaring)

(Dogs barking, howls)

(Blaring stops)

Then you got your mace...

- (Sprays) - Zap!

Right in the face.

And finally, for infighting...

The punch of power. Crunch!

Right in the nuts.

You certainly are prepared!

Nobody's gonna mess with Stella, unless Stella wants to be messed.

I don't know all this stuff.

Gloria, sweetheart, we live in a violent society,

weirdos all around. Get them before they get you.

- Good night, Mrs. Monk. - Oh, good night.

- Taking your work home with you? - Oh, yes.

I'm onto a fascinating sleuth.

You know, research is so exciting.

- Well, you're the best. Good night. - Oh. (Chuckles)

Well, good night.

Oh, by the way, Gloria. I almost forgot.

While you were out to lunch, someone was enquiring for you.

Uh, he said he knew your pastor and would get in touch with you later.

A nice little man.

You know, a dwarf.

Well, good night again.

(Eerie music playing)

(Footsteps receding)

(Switches clicking)

(Ominous music playing)

(Gasps) Oh!

Oh. Oh, you frightened me.

(Sighs) I thought you were a dwarf.

Uh... whoo, you gave me quite a shock.

Um, the library is closed. Didn't you hear the bell?

Oh, well, doesn't matter.

Anyway, I've already locked the front.

Uh, you can go out the back with me if you want,

but I just have a few things to do before...

(Grunting)

(Dramatic music playing)

That way!

(Singing) At the copa, copacabana

music and passion were always the fashion

at the copa

don't fall in love

don't fall in love

(Overlapping conversations)

- Take me home. - What?

Take me home, please!

(Sighs)

Uh, sure.

Um, my place or... or yours?

Which is closer?

(Chuckles) Well, I...

I have a little, um, pad just around the corner.

Perfect.

Do you mind if I finish my drink?

- Oh, no, please! - Mm.

Do you have to?

Uh, no. No, I don't have to.

- Miss, um... - Mundy, Gloria Mundy.

Moria glum... glom... (Clears throat)

(Whispers) Can we go out the back way?

(Chuckles, whispers) The back way.

Fine with me, Gloria. Anything you say.

My name is, uh, Stanley tibbets.

- Do you go to these bars often, Gloria? - Huh?

I mean, not that there is anything wrong with that.

I mean, human desire... Oh, it's a fascinating thing.

I mean, take me for instance. I... I have an interesting job.

I... iwork for the city,

(clears throat) But every now and then,

- whoosh! (Laughs) - Couldn't we walk just a little faster?

Oh, you seem to be in a hurry.

- It's just that I... - Not that I object. I mean, god.

Any man would love a woman who lays it on the line.

Take, for instance, the average woman...

It takes two weeks of dinners before you even

get to first base. I mean, I've been in america

- for two years and the women here... - Mr. Tibbets, please!

Oh, call me Stanley.

Here it is. My own little beaver trap.

Oh, uh, don't turn the lights on just yet.

I'll go and close the curtains.

(Stanley exhales)

Stanley: Oh, sure thing, baby.

Anything you say.

(Humming)

(Sighs)

- (Gas ps) - How's that?

Oh, listen. I don't want you to think

that I'm acting too strangely, but I had to...

No! No.No.No.No. I understand.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

Let me get you a drink. That would be nice. Thank you.

What would you like?

I've got it all!

I don't know. (Chuckles)

Leave it to me.

I know just the thing for your mood.

("Staying alive" playing)

How about that music?

Fine.

Great beat.

Gloria: Yes.

Hidden speakers! Quadraphonic.

- Really? - Yeah. I got it all.

(Singing) And now, it's all right, that's okay

and you may look the other way

we can try to understand

the New York times' effect on man

whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

you're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

and we're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha sta yin' alive, stayin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha

sta yin ' alive

oh, you won't

well, now I get low and I get high

and if! Can't get either I really try

I got the wings of heaven on my shoes

I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose

you know, it's all right...

Here we are, foxy loxy.

- Gloria. - Gloria!

To understand

the New York times' effect on man

(grunts) Tastes like tabasco.

It's called, "Spanish fly."

- Well, I've never had it before. - Well, I know a few people...

In Spain.

Sta yin' alive stayin' alive...

(Sighs)

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh... (Inhales sharply)

What about that then?

(Grunts)

- Look, Mr. Tibb... - Stanley.

Stanley, I hope you don't mind that I stay here just a moment.

- Oh, no. No. - I just want to make sure...

No need for explanations.

Listen. A... as you say over here...

You're put on this world to do your thing.

I'm put on this world to do my thing.

And if, perchance, our things...

Meet...

That's... that's groovy.

I just want to look out the window.

Fine. Fine.

D... do you mind if I make myself comfortable?

Huh? Uh, no.

And you may look the other way

we can try to understand

the New York times' effect on man

whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

you're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

and we're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha sta yin' alive, stayin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha

sta yin' alive

(trumpet blows)

Oh, we won't

well, now I get low and I get high

and if! Can't get either I really try

got the wings of heaven on my shoes

I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose

you know, it's all right it's okay

I'll live to see another day

-we can try to understand -(Tambourine jingles)

The New York times' effect on man

whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

you're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

do you have any binoculars?

What's that, binoculars?

Are you into that, too? Me as well.

I read about it in penthouse. Just a second.

Staying' alive

Here you are, sweet thing.

- Thank you. - Anything you want, doll-face.

I've got it all.

Life goin' nowhere

somebody help me, yeah

sta yin' alive

well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man no time for talk

music loud and women warm

I've been kicked around since I was born

and now, it's all right it's okay

and you may look the other way

we can try to understand

the New York times' effect on man

whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

you're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

and we're stayin' alive sta yin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha sta yin' alive, stayin' alive

ah, ha, ha, ha

sta yin' alive

Stanley: Okay, Gloria! What are we waiting for?

Oh! My god!

What's the matter, baby?

Well, what is this? What are you doing?

Why are you undressed?

(Yelps, grunts, groans)

I don't believe it! Did you think that I...

Didn't you want to, uh...

Stanley, really!

Where did you get the idea?

- (Trumpet blows) - It's just a bit of fun, you know, a...

A few laughs.

What's this on the wall?

- (Trumpet blows) - That is, uh, nothing. (Stutters)

It's, uh, a... a training film. It's purely educational.

- Gloria: What's over here? - Oh, god.

- Gloria: Oh, my god! - Oh. No.

Gloria: You... where did you find all this stuff?

I'm sorry, I don't do this very often.

I never knew there was such diversity.

Stanley: Please, come back...

It's amazing. Just... just amazing. (Grunts)

I got this from my nieces.

- Oh. Here, here, here. - No, I... I borrowed it

- for a party. - Let me do that for you.

(Deflating)

Ooh.

Maybe I should call you a cab.

- Gloria: Yes, please. - (Lever whirs)

(Trumpet blows)

(Mumbles)

(Sighs)

(Suspense music playing)

Gloria: Mr. Hennesey?

(Clock ticking)

(Eerie music playing)

Newscaster: Scenes such as this prostitute

soliciting business on a downtown street

need to be eliminated.

A move to redevelop the city's downtown district...

Little sal Sanchez,

once arrested as a principal suspect

in the shotgun slaying of a local union official,

has been convicted on six counts

of federal tax evasion...

(Eerie music playing)

Formal sentencing will be in two weeks.

It is expected he will be given the maximum penalty.

Continuing on his international goodwill tour,

pope pius xii! Arrived today in Washington

for an informal visit with the president.

The two talked for more than an hour,

after which the pontiff was honored at a huge

white house reception...

(Water running) Attended by what appeared to be

nearly every major dignitary in the nation's capital...

World peace and universal brotherhood.

Next up, the vice president's arrival in San Francisco.

But first, this message.

Man: (Singing on TV) Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

oh, what a relief it is

woman: (Singing on TV) Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

oh, what a relief it is

(Gloria gasps)

(Gloria whimpers) (Grunts) Over here?

- (Grunts) - Where is it?

- Where is it? - (Grunts) What?

Lady, I don't want any trouble.

Just give me what Scott gave you yesterday.

- Huh? - But he gave me nothing.

What did he give you in the car?

I swear he gave me nothing except a pack of cigarettes.

- Where are they? - Gloria: In my purse.

Where's your purse?

- Where? - (Grunts)

Over there on the couch.

Okay. Stay.

- (Snaps scarf) - (Screams)

- (Man grunts) - Gloria: No! (Grunting)

(Continues grunting)

(Both grunting)

(Clock dings, cuckoos)

(Grunts)

- (Cuckooing continues) - (Gasping)

(Gasps)

(Gasps, pants)

(Pants)

Hello? Police?

Oh, something terrible's happened.

What? A murder. I want to report a murder.

Oh, all right, but hurry!

- (Pants) Hello? (Stutters) Yes. - (Eerie music playing)

A man broke into my apartment, and I think I've killed him!

No. No.

It happened just now.

Just now. I... icame home, and he was here.

What? What?

Oh. All right, I'll hold on, but hurry!

Gloria Mundy.

Four thirty, vallejo, second floor apartment.

Please come right aw... (Screams)

Oh, no.

(Breath es h eavily)

No. No.

(Gasps)

(Sinister music playing)

(Clock ticking)

Hello. How you feeling?

You. What are you doing here?

They're from the police. Are you all right

I'm inspector Ferguson, ma'am,

and this is my sometime-partner, lieutenant Carlson.

They said you called about a murder.

I had to break the lock.

The body! Where's the body?

What body?

The dead body!

(Stammers) It was right there. Didn't you see it?

Who?

And the phone.

And the window.

Oh, my god. It happened again.

What's happened again?

Just like last night. Just like in the movie theater.

What?

The dead body. It's gone. It vanished.

Well, maybe it was embarrassed.

- Come on in here. - (Sighs)

Tony: I think you better sit down

but you don't understand.

- The body's disappeared. - Yeah, whose body was it?

I don't know. A man with a scar. He tried to murder me,

but I stabbed him with the needles.

Oh. Narcotics, huh?

No. Knitting.

And... oh, he put 'em back in the basket.

And the poker, too. Or... or... or did you do that?

Hey, relax.

All we did was get an emergency call on a homicide.

We got here, broke in the door with your landlord,

and found you unconscious on the kitchen floor.

- I carried you to the couch... - You carried me?

- Yes. - Thank you.

You're welcome. And you woke up

insisting that there is a dead body around here.

Look, I know it sounds strange, but somebody cleaned the place up.

And took away the dead body?

Right!

Wait a minute!

I've got it. It must have been the albino.

(Sighs)

Uh, who's the albino?

He's the one who killed the man with the scar.

Fergie: You said you killed the man with the scar.

I did, except he killed him after I killed him.

See, I didn't really kill him.

I just stabbed him with the needles.

Right after he heard the cuckoo.

(Dings, cuckoo)

(Ticking)

Oh, you don't believe me, do you?

But it's true. It really happened.

You believe me, don't you, Mr. Hennesey?

My, darlin', if you believe it, I believe it.

There's some very mixed-up people out there.

They're puny spirits with small minds.

Like that man told you in the movies last night,

"beware of the midgets. They're taking over the world."

Mr. Hennesey, he didn't. He said, "beware of the dwarf!"

The dwarf?

- Hmm. - Well, whatever.

Now, you're not to worry about anything.

I'm here to make sure that you're safe. In fact,

I'm going to put a brand-new lock

on this door right now. A big one. Yeah.

Oh, he doesn't believe me.

He thinks I've been dreaming or something.

Don't be silly.

Gloria...

(Exhales) Did you, uh...

Drop acid a little earlier tonight?

No! No, you don't understand.

A man tried to kill me here tonight!

The albino.

- No! No! - The man with the scar?

Yes!

See, the albino tried to kill me earlier,

but I smashed him with my umbrella.

Your umbrella?

Gloria: I'd never met the man with the scar before.

Unless he's the one that was driving that black limousine.

Wh... why did he want to kill you?

- Who? - The man with the scar.

I'm not sure, but I think it was because of the cigarettes.

- He wanted a... a cigarette or... - No, he wanted the whole pack!

Kinda greedy.

The albino must have wanted the cigarettes, too.

So he killed the man with the scar to get them.

Gloria: Right.

And I'll bet he's the one who killed Scotty.

- Scotty? - Who's Scotty?

Look, Gloria...

I know you've been through something here tonight,

real or imagined,

but I just wanna bring you down to earth a bit.

You've got to see how absurd this whole thing is.

We have no dead body.

There's been no sign of violence.

Our suspects are albinos and chain smokers?

Wait a minute! I've got it.

The albino is working for the dwarf.

(Clock ticking)

(Laughing) Oh, I'll tell you. I've been on some dumb calls

in my time, but this one tops them.

Where did you meet this ding-dong, anyway?

Hey, what's all that stuff about having her for lunch

- down at the station house tomorrow? - (Sighs)

You're not even supposed to be riding around with me.

It's fate, Fergie. Kismet.

Kismet. My ass.

- Listen, this girl is weird, Tony. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she's got the prettiest green eyes

- I've ever seen. - Hey, they're blue. (Scoffs)

And behind those blue eyes is a fruitcake

with a homicidal umbrella.

- Wait a minute. - What?

You are the one with the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.

Will you cut that out? I hate it when you do that.

- Don't do that anymore, all right? - Tony: Let's go, beautiful.

Gloria. I don't believe you.

How can you be so gullible?

You have got albinos chasing you down the street,

prowlers breaking into your apartment.

Don't you see?

They're only after one thing. They wanna get into your pants.

I don't think so.

And now you have this cop inviting you

down to the station house on your lunch hour. (Chuckles)

You think he's not gonna try for a little nooky?

He's really nice.

Stella: Gloria, I'm yourfriend, right?

Right.

Stella: And iwouldn't steer you wrong, would I?

Take these.

Without them, you are a walking light bulb

waiting to be screwed.

(Exhales deeply)

(Trolley bell ringing)

(Ringing continues)

(Eerie music playing)

(Muffled scream)

(Rain pattering)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Thunderclaps)

(Laughing maniacally)

(Alarm blaring)

(Alarm stops)

(Door creaking)

(Turk grunts, groans)

(Thunderclaps)

(Ominous music playing)

Let's see. One, two, five, six.

Elsie: Six.

Ethel: They used to have the most beautiful

dude ranch near Phoenix.

"Happy trails" I think they called it.

Of course, this was before the war.

Elsie: Here we are, with a 13

and a double-word score. That means 26.

Mmm, 26.

(Tires squealing)

(Raindrops pattering)

(Thunderclaps)

Elsie: Ever see that Arizona highways?

Oh, it is the most beautiful magazine, isn't it?

Let me see now.

One, two, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, four, 15.

Mm-hmm.

(Tapping on window)

Ethel: Such lovely pictures.

I wonder if they still put it out.

Why, I see them now and again at the library...

And here we go.

Eight, nine, ten, 11, and double that.

Wait, now 15, we have 26. And double is 52.

Wait, Elsie. I think you're wrong.

I think you spell that word with a hyphen.

Really?

I was just taking a shot.

(Ominous music playing)

Ah! There she is!

(Men clamoring)

(Gloria shivering)

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. They tried again.

Tony: Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire.

I'm pouring you a nice warm albino Martini.

(Dishes clattering)

Here you go. Drink this, and it's off to bed.

You should have been a doctor.

Okay, we'll play whatever you like.

- Mind if I smoke? - No, go right ahead.

You know, it's funny. My father was a doctor.

- He wanted me to be one, too. - Gloria: What happened?

Well, I went to medical school. It was tough.

All those books.

Then I joined the paramedics. That was tougher.

Besides...

I always had a yearning for the criminal life.

But you're a cop.

Same difference.

How's the milk?

It's great.

Lieutenant.

- Tony. - Gloria: I don't understand.

Last night, you didn't believe the story I told you, did you?

I believed that you believed it.

What about tonight? Did you believe I was kidnapped?

I... I know the address of the building they held me in.

- I... it seems that... - Look.

I promise I'll check that out first thing in the morning.

And the license plate of the black limousine.

- 121 tce. - Got it.

- Tony, I'm not lying. - No one thinks you are.

(Sobbing) Why would anybody want to kill me?

Hey.

Come on.

You're safe here.

I checked all the windows and the doors, everything.

You trust me, don't you?

- Mm-hmm. - Tony: Mm-hmm.

Here. Finish your milk.

Good girl.

- Feel better, don't you? - Yes.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Gloria: Uh, I'm, uh, not working tomorrow. I'm home.

Fine.

Would you like me to, uh, carry you to your bedroom?

(Chuckles softly) No, thanks, I can walk.

Okay. Then I'm gonna take off.

Don't worry, glory.

If there really is somebody out there trying to kill you,

I promise you, we'll find out who and why.

(Suspense music playing)

Well, the room checks out. Nobody up there.

Landlord said it's been empty for months.

It's rented on a yearly basis to a guy called, uh,

stiltskin.

Stiltskin.

I've heard that name somewhere before.

(Keyboard clacking)

Oh, no.

I thought when you were suspended

- I'd have a three-week vacation. - I was framed.

(Scoffs) You're lucky you've still got your badge.

Arresting the mayor for speeding

and then cuffing him. Are you out of your mind?

I'm telling you, he was wearing eye makeup.

Get out of here.

Hey, listen, this is serious.

What was that story, uh, it wasn't too long ago,

about a guy named stiltskin?

You been talking to Donohue?

Tony: No. Why?

You know this guy?

Yeah, I've seen him around. Works undercover, right?

Coleman: He did. His name's Bob Scott.

We just fished his body out of the bay.

Scotty.

Yeah. He was working on a tip that a major assassination

is gonna take place here in the city Thursday night.

Tomorrow night.

Biggest hit man west of Chicago has been hired for the job.

His name is stiltskin.

Rupert stiltskin.

Stiltskin?

Yeah. Alias "the dwarf."

- Holy shit. - (Suspense music playing)

Oh, no. He's nice. Really.

He, uh, brought me home last night, and, uh...

And then he had the police bring my car back this morning.

- (Doorbell ringing) - Who is it?

Mac ku en: Special delivery.

Just a second, Stella, somebody's at the door.

- Miss Mundy? - Yes.

Just a moment.

- (Screams) - Hiya, toots!

I've been looking foward to this meeting for some time.

You... you're a dwarf.

True, true.

J.j. Mackuen's my name, and life's my game.

Not life insurance, but life everlasting.

Interested?

- Oh, my god! - Sure you are.

(Gloria grunts)

Please. If I'm gonna do this right,

I've got to have your undivided attention.

She'll call you right back.

You... you're the dwarf.

Well, actually, we prefer to be called "little people."

It was you who was asking for me at the library.

True, true, but unfortunately, our paths didn't cross.

No matter.

Today I have brought with me a little present

that my employer wants you to have.

And all that is required of you

is to consider the possibility of coming closer to god.

(Screams) Keep away from me!

Uh, miss Mundy. W... why take this attitude?

I... I'm merely a salesman of the divine word.

(Stutters) Uh, look upon me as an instrument

who will release you from the worries of the world,

and bring you the promise of eternal rest.

Keep away from me.

Miss Mundy.

(Clasps open)

Do you believe in life after death?

- (Screams) - (J.J. Mackuen screams)

(Both grunting)

(Screams)

Wait... listen to me now! (Muttering, groans)

(Sobs, screams)

(Gloria screams)

Mackuen: Somebody help me!

(Grunts)

(Screams) (Grunts)

(Mackuen screaming)

(Thuds)

(Mackuen groaning)

(Bin clanging)

Mackuen: Stop this thing!

(Groaning)

Oh, my goodness! (Screaming)

Gloria!

- Gloria: Tony! - Gloria, what are you doing?

(Tires screeching)

(Mackuen screaming)

(Water splashing)

Mm-hmm.

Gloria: Did you see him? That was him!

That was the dwarf! That's who Scotty told me about!

(Pants) He tried to kill me!

Oh, I knew he was out to get...

"New American Bible.

"The translation you can believe in."

"J.j. Mackuen."

Oh, he was a Bible salesman?

You mean I...

That's right, honey.

You have attacked an innocent dwarf.

(Melancholic music playing)

(Indistinct announcement over pa)

Mr. Mackuen?

It's Gloria Mundy.

Who?

Remember me?

You came to see me this morning?

How are you feeling?

So-so.

Oh... thanks for the flowers.

Oh, that's all right.

My pleasure.

Here, I bought you some more.

I felt it was the least I could do.

I'm awfully sorry.

Well, I... I was thinking of leaving the job anyway.

Gloria: Oh, really?

Yeah. I... I never should have taken it.

I... I... I'm too pushy.

I annoy people. That's my personality,

and you can't move merchandise like that anymore.

They... they looked like lovely bibles to me.

Oh, they're top quality. It's me that's no good.

I... I come off too strong.

Well, you did give me quite a shock.

You don't have to apologize.

I'm a putz.

-Oh, no, Mr. Mackuen. I... I -(Fly buzzing)

I think you're being a little hard on yourself.

Well, maybe everything will turn out for the best.

Really?

I always feel that you can see a positive side to everything.

Yeah. I was thinking of opening up a gas station in the desert.

I think you helped me make up my mind.

- I'm so glad I could help. - (Fly buzzing)

Oh, no! (Screams)

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

I was just gonna kill a fly.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Okay.

I'll come back tomorrow after work.

(Stutters) Uh, no, no!

I... I... I'm sure I'm gonna be out of here by tomorrow!

Oh. All right.

Well, it was nice meeting you again.

Bye.

(Hinges squeaking)

Oh, that poor little man.

To think that I was responsible, that I was capable...

And all that violence is within me.

Yeah, I know.

And lucky for him you didn't have your umbrella.

Come on, let's go.

Tony's waiting for you at the station.

Gloria, I need your help.

Somebody's gonna be murdered tomorrow night,

and we got to prevent it.

I want you to take a look at something.

Do you recognize these people?

Uh, that's the man with the scar.

Tony: Right. Gloria: That's the albino.

Right. His name is whitey Jackson.

I don't know.

Tony: That's Rupert stiltskin, alias "the dwarf."

He's the head of the assassination team.

Scarface wanted to double-cross his buddies

and gave Scotty some evidence about tomorrow's job.

They found out about it, killed Scotty.

Scarface wanted to protect himself,

tried to get the evidence back.

But they were onto him. They killed him.

So the evidence was in the cigarette package

- that Scotty gave me. - Right.

Gloria: Well, but they took the cigarette pack

- when they took scarface's body. - Right.

Then what do they still want me for?

I don't know, but, uh, they do,

and that's why I've been assigned to protect you.

- You have? - Tony: Mm-hmm.

Well, what does that entail?

The usual.

We move into your house,

set up a, uh, round-the-clock surveillance,

and, uh, send out for pizza.

(Door opens)

I traced the number on that black limousine.

Great!

- What is it? - You're not gonna like it.

It's registered to the archbishop of San Francisco.

(Softly) Oh.

Fancy layout.

- Yes? - Lieutenant Carlson, ma'am.

Uh, is archbishop thorncrest in?

I just want to ask him a couple of questions.

Certainly.

Won't you please come in?

Archbishop thorncrest: That's right.

We really expect almost everyone to be seated

when the motorcade arrives.

Of course. Exactly.

Well, thank you. And thank you so much for calling.

Good-bye.

Good afternoon.

Tony: Good afternoon. I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm lieutenant Carlson. This is inspector Ferguson.

This is Ms. Mundy.

Very happy to meet you. Please sit down.

Now, what is it I can do for you?

We're investigating a black limousine, uh...

Oh, you found the car. Good news.

Did you catch that rascal turk?

Who?

Turk farnham. The man who stole the car.

Don't tell me he got away.

Well, we've had no report that the car was stolen.

No report? But yesterday I, uh...

- Ms. Casswell. - I'm sorry, your excellency.

I thought I'd give him one more day to come back.

After all, he's such a...

Archbishop thorncrest: Really, Ms. Casswell.

The car has been gone two days.

Now, I think somewhere we have to draw the line

on Christian charity.

Could you describe this turk?

Large. Heavyset.

Bald?

Yes. He came to us as a chauffeur about, uh...

When was it, three months ago?

Yes.

From St. Damian's halfway house.

You see, he's an ex-convict.

We'd have a file on him.

- What's his present address? - He lived above the garage.

Archbishop thorncrest: Ms. Casswell, why don't you show

the lieutenant turk's quarters?

Maybe they'll come up with something.

Yes, your excellency. Would you come this way, please?

Ms. Casswell, then come right back here.

I want to have a word with you.

(Door closes)

He was such a nice man.

A little simple, perhaps, but then, he had very little education.

You see, no one was ever kind to him.

Throughout his whole life, no one had ever given him a chance.

There's nothing around here, Tony.

Tony: Okay.

Ms. Casswell, does the name stiltskin mean anything to you?

How about whitey Jackson?

Is he that football player that wears the pantyhose on television?

Well?

Now the shit has really hit the fan.

(Suspense music playing)

(Sighs)

(Telephone ringing)

Oh, Stella. He's not like that at all.

I like him.

How does he feel about you?

- I think he likes me. - Stella: Oh.

That's okay. If they say, "I like you," it's not so bad.

It's when they say, "I love you" that you gotta watch out.

Listen, I have to go.

Uh, just have Mrs. Monk see what she can come up with.

They've never heard of it around here.

Okay, Gloria. Be careful.

- Bye. - Gloria: Bye.

Mrs. Monk, what do you know about the "tax the churches league?"

Hmm.

Well, I'm calling it a day.

Any more news on turk?

We've checked everything on his file.

All known associates, places he frequents. Clubs, bars.

Nothing so far.

Well, I just asked my girlfriend at the library

to find out about the tax the churches league.

That's a funny group for turk to belong to.

Hey. I play detective. You play lady in distress.

Hey, wait a minute. It's my ass they're after.

I'm sorry. You're right.

That was a stupid, glib,

chauvinist remark, and I apologize.

It is your ass they're after,

and it's my job to see to it that I get there first.

- (Chuckles) - What do you say to, uh,

two juicy steaks and a bottle of wine?

Well, you could start by saying "hello."

I'm gonna take you home.

Tony: Okay, Fergie. Listen, if anything should come up,

you know where to get a hold of me.

Right. Good night.

Hey, this is the way to the bridge.

I thought you said you were gonna take me home.

I did.

My home.

(Melodious music playing)

Huh. You're really full of surprises.

I never met anybody who ever lived

on a houseboat before. It's fantastic.

Well, my brother built it,

and, uh, when he got married, I moved in.

It's so beautiful here.

Yeah. On a clear day you can see Alcatraz.

(Chuckles) How nice.

Be careful here. It's very slippery at night

- on the gangplank. - Okay.

- Hold on to something. - Okay.

(Chuckles nervously) You okay?

(Laughing)

Nice fire.

- I just turned on the switch. - (Chaucer barking)

- Come here. - Hey.

Hi, little one.

- Hi, little dog. - Hey, chaucer, what do you think?

- (Growl softly) - Play your cards right,

and she'll take you out for a seagull dinner.

- (Growl softly) - Mm-mm. Mm. Yeah.

Chaucer and I, we've been getting along just great.

- Yeah. He likes you. - He told me all about Monica.

How do you know about Monica?

I think this is for you.

Tony: What is that?

Uh, "darling, you are out of eggs and cottage cheese."

"I'll pick them up tomorrow. Love, Monica."

Oh, that Monica.

Uh, she's my maid.

She sounds very efficient.

She's terrific.

She comes in twice a week and really clears the decks.

Trims the sails?

Blows the pipes.

Hmm. How long has she been doing all this?

Well, she won't be back. Uh...

Monica drowned this morning, and, uh...

Just like that, huh?

Yeah. I think we both knew it was, uh, coming,

and it was kind of sad for both of us.

Good shot.

How about a joint?

Uh, no, thanks.

You sure? You know what they say.

Cops have the best dope.

Uh, no, I don't do that anymore.

I don't think it's necessary.

Right.

Just testing.

Never touch it myself.

Not me. Nope.

(Laughs)

You're funny.

And you have the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.

They're blue. Drink your milk.

So, go on.

What happened after the divorce?

Nothing. I went back to the library to work

and, um...

I guess I did become kind of a hermit.

My girlfriend Sally, she's getting married on Saturday.

Oh, you know her. The one at the... the party.

Oh, yeah. The one that kept telling you

to start taking chances.

Right. Look what happens.

Well, it didn't work out so bad.

- I almost got killed! - Well, yeah,

but you met some pretty interesting people.

True.

I guess you can't trust first impressions.

What does that mean?

Well, when I first met you,

I thought you were a bore.

Yeah?

What about before that?

Before that?

Yeah. When you first saw me.

I thought you were a klutz.

What about before that? (Chuckles)

- Before... - Yeah.

When you very first laid eyes on me.

What were you thinking?

Ithoughtyou_.

I thought you had a nice smile.

- You did? - (Chuckles)

What else?

(Stutters) I... uh...

(Chuckles) I thought you were cute.

What else?

What did you think of me when you first met me?

When you first laid eyes on me?

I thought, um...

I thought you had a nice smile.

What else?

I thought you were cute.

Extremely cute.

What else?

I thought it'd be nice to kiss you.

- Me? - Yeah. You.

- Me, too. - You did?

- (Chuckles) - Then? Right then?

(Both chuckle)

I thought it would be nice to kiss you.

See?

You should always trust your first impressions.

(Sighs) You know something?

I'm really glad that you were assigned

to protect me.

I do my job pretty well.

You do your job very well.

Thank you.

(Dramatic music playing)

Hey, chaucer.

How you doing?

That's a boy. Go on. Go make breakfast.

(Chaucer barking)

Good morning.

Good morning.

You look very pretty.

Come here.

I could get used to this.

Me, too.

(Telephone rings)

Yello.

Hi, Fergie.

What?

All right. Tell, uh, Coleman I'll be there right away.

Listen. Uh, you meet me at Gloria's.

I want you to stay with her all day.

Right. Bye.

Come on. I'm taking you home.

- I have to go to work today. - No, you're not. Fergie's coming over.

He's gonna stay with you all day.

We may have a lead. I think they got scarface.

(Mechanical whirring)

(Seagulls screeching)

Tony: What's happening?

- Recognize the corpse? - Scarface?

Yeah, we found him over there.

An early morning fisherman spotted him.

- Anything on the body? - Nothing.

I guess it's back to basics.

Search the area, try to find some witnesses, huh?

Nah, Morgan's on that.

I don't mind tellin' you, Tony, that this one's got me scared.

An assassination's gonna take place tonight,

and we're diggin' up nothin' on nothin'.

I know.

There's gotta be somethin' somewhere.

What is it? What's the clue?

What have we overlooked?

Mr. Hennesey: I thought sergeant Ferguson

was supposed to be here.

Gloria: He was. Mr. Hennesey: Well, why isn't... Esme?

Esme?

Come on.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

How about that, huh?

How'd you like to take a little bath?

Would you like that?

How'd you like a little soak in the bathtub?

Well, what do you think?

Mr. Hennesey: Oh, my darlin', my dear.

I never had me a daughter, but if I did, I'd want her to be you.

Oh, Mr. Hennesey, that's sweet.

Well, this is my bridesmaids dress.

And look, I just do that...

And goodbye, bridesmaids,

and I'm ready for a night out on the town.

(Laughs) I think I'd rather see you as a bride.

- (Telephone rings) - Yeah, I'm workin' on it.

Oh. Take a little swim.

Hello?

Fergie.

Uh, yes, if Tony wants me to, I'll be there.

What's the address?

If it's that important, I'll come right away.

What? Br... bring my umbrella? But it's beautiful outside.

Hello? Hello?

He hung up.

I wasn't trying anything.

I just told her what you told me to tell her.

Watch your mouth. Watch it!

(Ominous music playing)

Hello?

(Door creaking)

Anybody here?

Tony?

Fergie?

Fergie: Run, Gloria! It's a trap!

(Grunts) (Men screaming)

Stiltskin: (Grunting) Let go of me.

(Dramatic music playing)

She got away.

Oh, goddamn it.

Get her!

(Music playing)

Mrs. Venus: Hello, there. Can I help you?

In just a minute.

Mrs. Venus: We're havin' a special today,

- a rub in a whirlpool. - Stiltskin: No, no, listen.

Mrs. Venus: So why don't you, uh, get one free?

(Women giggling)

Excuse me. This'll just take a second.

(Chuckles)

Take your time, pussy pie.

We've got all day for an afternoon's delight.

(Singing) I feel the earth, ooh

move, oh, under my feet

I feel the sky tumbling down a-tumbling down

I just-a lose control oh, oh

oh, sing it, Stanley, baby.

Down to my very soul oh, oh

I just...

(Screams) Oh, my god, it's you!

- Shh! - Why?

Why are you following me? Why? What have I ever done to you?

Stanley! What are you doing here?

- Uh... - Never mind.

- You've gotta help me. - Oh, please.

Please don't tell anybody you saw me here.

It's my first time, I swear!

I'll never do it again. I promise. Be quiet.

What's so bad, anyway?

I didn't do anything.

I never do anything.

Stanley, listen to me. You've gotta help me.

Help you? I don't know this place.

But it's a matter of life and death.

It's very important.

What do you want me to do?

- Hey, give me that. - (Gloria grunts)

Uh, uh, there's a phone out by the pool.

Go out there and call the police.

The police?

Oh, my god, the police?

Yes, tell them to get here right away.

Tell them to raid the place.

A raid? (Nervous chuckle)

You want me to go and call for a raid?

Are you crazy?

Do you know what they would do to me?

There's the headlines!

- (Exclaims) - Listen, many lives are in danger,

my life, your life.

There are men out there who are killers.

What? But why me? I Don... They don't know me!

(Stutters) I'm not even using my real name.

Take this dime. Now get out there and call the police.

You don't have to be here when they get here.

Now, go on, go on.

- I'll keep an eye on your clothes. - But I can't do it.

God.

I gotta do it again.

(Phone dings)

(Stammers) Uh, hello.

Yeah, well, um...

Yeah, I'd like to say...

Could you get me the police?

(Screams) Help!

(In other voice) It's a matter of life and death...

Tell Tony Carlson! Tell lieutenant... (Screams)

Hey! What... what?

- (Gloria groaning) - (Stutters, grunts) Don't I know you?

(Grunts, mumbles)

Oh, oh! Oh, this is what you want...

(Gloria screaming)

(Sputtering, groans)

Uh, thank you very much.

- Anything from the FBI? - No, nothing.

How about the ch?

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing on nothing. This is just great.

Are... are you Tony Carlson,

- the, uh, cop friend of Gloria's? - Yes.

Well, we found this file at the library on the tax the churches league.

I thought I would bring it over. It has some pictures there,

and Gloria felt maybe it would, um, help.

Tony: Wait a minute.

This is Ms. Casswell.

No, I think that's Delia darrow.

It says there that she and her husband

founded the league and then, in 1963, were sent to prison.

They tried to kidnap the reverend Billy Graham.

- Where's Gloria? - Dickinson, find out everything you can

- on this Delia darrow. - Right.

Really, I... I don't know what happened.

I wasn't doing anything. Really!

Look, I... I've never been to one of those places before.

I thought it was a health club!

(Gasps, sneezes) Oh!

- What weirdos! - Look, uh, thanks for coming by.

It's the first real lead we've had today.

I will tell Gloria. She's back at the house.

No, she's not.

I spoke with her landlord.

He said that she left this morning to meet you.

What are you talking about?