Original subtitles

You're traveling through another dimension-

a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

A journey into a wondrous land

whose boundaries are that of imagination.

That's the signpost up ahead.

Your next stop, "The Twilight Zone".

I told you that Santa Claus should be back by 6:00.

Come on, mom, let's go.

Hey, you told me to tell you when it was 6:30.

It's 6:30.

That's right.

It's exactly 6:30.

So...

So what happens now?

You turn into a reindeer?

Would that I could.

I'll have another one.

You owe me for six drinks and a sandwich.

That's $3.80.

Why do you suppose there isn't really a Santa Claus?

How's that?

Why isn't there a real Santa Claus... for kids like that?

What am I supposed to be- some kind of philosopher?

You know what your trouble is?

You let that dopey red suit go to your head.

Are you some kind of a nut?

Here's your change.

I'll flip you- double or nothing.

What do you think this is, Monte Carlo?

Finish your sandwich and get out of here.

I've had enough... to eat.

Hello, Jack's place.

No, Jack's not here.

This is Bruce.

Wait a minute.

Santa Claus, I catch you trying that

one more time

I'm going to break both your arms

up to the shoulder blades.

Now, go on, get out of here.

What's that?

No, it's just Santa Claus trying to heist the joint.

Thanks a lot, Bruce.

Please, Santa

I want a carriage and a dolly...

please, I want a gun...

and a playhouse...

and a set of soldiers

and a fort...

and oh, please, Santa Claus

a job for my daddy.

Please, a big turkey

for our Christmas dinner.

This is Mr. Henry Corwin, normally unemployed

who once a year takes the lead role

in the uniquely popular American institution

that of a department store Santa Claus

in a road company version of the night before Christmas

But in just a moment, Mr. Henry Corwin, ersatz Santa Claus

will enter a strange kind of north pole

which is one part the wondrous spirit of Christmas

and one part the magic that can only be found

in "The Twilight Zone".

You should see me with erector sets.

Corwin, you're an hour late!

I am?

Now, you get up on your throne

and see if you can keep from disillusioning a lot of kids

that not only isn't there a Santa Claus

but the one in this store happens to be a wino

who'd be more at home playing Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Now, get with it, Santa Claus!

You go ahead.

You climb up on his lap.

Go ahead, he won't hurt you

will you, Santa Claus?

You won't hurt my little boy.

Go on, tell him!

What's your name little boy?

Percival Smithers.

And what do you want for Christmas, Percival?

A new front name.

Percy!

I think we have...

look, mom!

Santa Claus is loaded.

You've got some nerve!

You ought to be ashamed.

Madam... I am ashamed.

Come on, Percival.

I hope this won't be

a traumatic experience for you.

Sot!

Is there some trouble here?

Yes, there's some trouble.

I shall never trade in this store again.

It seems you hire your Santa Clauses

out of a gutter.

Come on, dear

All right, back to work.

Back to your positions, please.

And now, Mr. Kris Kringle of the lower depths

since it is only a few hours to closing time

it is my distinct pleasure to tell you

that there is no more need for your services.

You have had it!

Now, get out here!

I'd be very glad to.

And get that crummy red suit back

to wherever you rented it from

before you really tie one on and destroy it.

You drunk!

Thank you very much, Mr. Dundee.

As to my drinking, this is indefensible

and you have my abject apologies.

I find of late that I have very little choice

in the matter of expressing emotions.

I can either drink or I can weep

and drinking is so much more subtle.

Will you please leave?

As for my insubordination

I was not rude

to that woman.

Someone should remind her that Christmas

is more than barging up and down department store aisles

and pushing people out of the way.

Now, Corwin...

someone has to tell her

that Christmas is another thing, finer than that...

richer, finer, truer

and it should come with patience and love, charity, compassion.

That's what I would have told her

if you'd given me the chance.

Well, how philosophical

Mr. Corwin.

Now, perhaps as your parting word

you can tell us how we can go about

living up to these wondrous yule standards

which you have so graciously

laid down for us.

I don't know

how to tell you, Mr. Dundee.

I don't know at all.

All I know is

that I'm an aging, purposeless relic

of another time

and I live in a dirty rooming house

on a street

filled with hungry kids and shabby people

where the only thing

that comes down the chimney

on Christmas eve

is more poverty.

Will you keep your voice down?

Do you know another reason

why I drink, Mr. Dundee?

So that when I walk down the tenements

I can really think it's the north pole

and the children are elves and that I'm really Santa Claus

bringing them a bag of wondrous gifts

for all of them.

I just wish, Mr. Dundee, on one Christmas-

only one...

that I could see some of the hopeless ones...

and the dreamless ones...

just on one Christmas

I'd like to see the meek

inherit the earth.

And that's why I drink, Mr. Dundee...

and that's why I weep.

George, you want another drink?

Hey, look. It's Santa Claus!

Look, there's Santa Claus.

Come on in.

Nah, nah. Go on, get lost.

Get out of here.

Merry Christmas.

Santa's a lush.

Hey, everybody!

Hey, kids!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Hey, kids! Everybody!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Merry Christmas!

"... joy to the world

the Lord is come"

"let earth receive her king"

"let every heart prepare him room"

"and heaven and nature sing"

"and heaven and nature sing"

"and heaven..."

What is going on here?

What's the idea of coming in here and disrupting

the Christmas eve service?

Sister Florence, I ain't touched a drop

since last Thursday and that's the gospel truth.

And I swear to you

on account of I've seen it with my own eyes-

Santa Claus is coming down the street heading this way

and bringing everybody his heart's desire.

There's a real, honest-to-goodness Santa...

merry Christmas, gentlemen.

Now, what'll be your pleasure

for Christmas, gentlemen?

How about you, Burt?

I fancy a new pipe.

Let's see what I can do for you.

Here's your new pipe.

How about you?

I want a sweater.

A sweater- what size?

Who cares what size?

Oh, thank you.

Could I have a smoking jacket?

A smoking jacket to go with the pipe.

I'll see what I can get.

There's your smoking jacket.

Where did you get all these gifts?

Sister Florence

don't ask me to explain.

I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else.

All I know is I've got a Santa Claus bag here

that gives everybody

exactly what they want for Christmas

and as long as it's putting out

I'm putting in.

Sister Florence, how about a new dress?

Give that to sister Florence

when she comes back.

Thank you.

A bottle of wine.

Merry Christmas, officer, merry Christmas.

What's your name?

Henry Corwin... or is it?

Maybe it's Santa Claus or Kris Kringle- I don't know.

You're drunk, Corwin. Is that it?

Of course I'm drunk.

I'm intoxicated with the spirit of the yule.

Drunk with the spirit of the yule.

Intoxicated with the magic and wonder that is Christmas eve.

I'm inebriated with joy and delight.

Yes, officer, I'm drunk.

We'll settle this in a hurry.

Have you got a receipt for this stuff?

Receipt?

Of course you've got a receipt.

No.

Sister Florence

would you please collect all the stolen goods

and put them in a pile over there?

I'll send for them

when I check on who owns them.

Come on, Santa.

Be right with you, officer.

Don't worry about a thing, gentlemen.

There's more where this came from.

Officer, let me tell you how this whole thing started.

I was having a glass down at Jack's place.

It was just about 4:30 in the afternoon when I got there.

Like I said, officer

I arrived at Jack's place about 4:30-

between 4:30 and 5:00, the cocktail hour.

Jack wasn't there but Bruce was.

I know Bruce, yes.

Right here.

After you.

I had a sandwich

that I couldn't finish

and I got to talking...

Uh-huh, here he is and here we are and there that is.

And here you are.

How nice to see you again, Mr. Dundee.

And how nice it will be

to see my wistful saint Nicholas going up the river.

Do you suppose he can get as much ten years?

Ten years?

Well, it don't look good, Corwin.

Of course, they could lop off a few months

if you was to tell them where the rest of the loot was.

He's been giving out the stuff for two and half hours.

He must have a warehouse full of it.

I'm glad you brought that up.

There seems to be

a slight discrepancy here.

Listen, you moth-eaten Robin Hood

the wholesale theft of thousands of dollars worth of goods

is not a slight discrepancy.

Though I can tell you right now, Corwin

this whole affair comes as no surprise to me.

I'd perceived that criminal glint in your eyes

the first minute I'd laid eyes on you.

It seems to me

that you've put your finger

on the problem, Mr. Dundee.

This bag doesn't know

whether to give out gifts or garbage.

It was giving out gifts when I seen it.

Whatever they was wanting Corwin was supplying.

All kinds of stuff- toys, gifts, expensive stuff.

Admit it, Corwin.

Oh, I admit it, I admit it.

But it seems to me the essence of our problem is

that we're dealing with a most unusual bag.

My advice to you is to clean up this mess and get out here.

Officer Flaherty, you call yourself a policeman.

Well, I suppose it is a demanding task-

to distinguish between a bag full of garbage

and an inventory of expensive stolen gifts.

Mr. Dundee, believe me.

It's like Corwin says:

We're dealing with the supernatural here.

In other words

all we have to do is to ask Mr. Corwin

to make a little abracadabra for us

and no sooner said, done.

Well, go ahead, Corwin.

I fancy a bottle of cherry brandy

vintage 1903.

Oh, that's a good year.

And as for you, officer Flaherty

how dare you drag me down here

at the busiest time of the year

to look at a bag full of garbage?

Mr. Dundee...

pardon me, gentlemen.

Merry Christmas to both of you!

"To Mr. Dundee, from Santa."

Here, Mr. Dundee.

You need one.

Here's beautiful yellow sweater for you.

I want a toy.

I've got a beautiful toy for you.

I want an electric train engine.

Electric train engine? Diesel or steam?

I don't care.

There it is.

I want a dolly.

You want a dolly.

A blonde, brunette...

blonde!

Here she is.

I want a toy, please.

Oh, I've got one here for you.

Right there, sweetheart.

I've got a baseball bat for you

and a toy dog for you.

Thanks.

And a baseball mitt.

Merry Christmas to all!

Nothing for you this Christmas?

I think I've had the nicest Christmas

since the beginning of time.

Nothing for you.

Nothing for yourself, not a thing.

You know, I... I can't think of anything I want.

I guess what I've really wanted is...

to be the biggest gift giver of all times

and in a way

I think I had that tonight.

Although, if I had my choice of any gift- any gift at all-

I think I'd wish I could do this every year.

That'd be some gift

wouldn't it, Burt?

Oh, it sure would.

God bless you, Burt

and merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas to you, too, Santa

and thanks for the smoking jacket and the pipe.

Don't mention it.

We've been waiting quite a while

for you, Santa Claus.

Oh, no.

Did you hear what I said?

I said we've been waiting quite a while

for you, Santa Claus.

We've got a year of hard work ahead of us

to get ready for next Christmas.

Come on.

Are you ready?

Oh, yeah.

Going home, officer Flaherty?

Going home, Mr. Dundee, and you?

Going home, officer Flaherty.

This is the most remarkable Christmas eve

I've ever had.

Flaherty...

I could have sworn that I...

did you see it?

I thought I did.

What did you see?

I don't think I ought to tell you, Mr. Dundee.

You might report me for drinking on duty.

Go ahead, what did you see?

It was Corwin, Mr. Dundee

big as life in a sleigh with reindeer

sitting next to an elf

and riding up toward the sky.

That's about the size of it

ain't it, Mr. Dundee?

Flaherty, you better come home with me

and we'll pour out some hot coffee

and we'll pour some brandy in it

and we'll...

and we'll thank God for miracles, Flaherty.

A word to the wise, to all the children of the 20th century

whether their concern be pediatrics or geriatrics

whether they crawl on hands and knees and wear diapers

or walk with a cane and comb their beards.

There's a wondrous magic to Christmas

and there's a special power reserved for little people.

In short, there's nothing mightier than the meek.