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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Subbed by EhLaNa 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:09,600 Jeff Dunham, I'm talking to you my man. This is your night and this is your time. 3 00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:12,400 You're gonna put the smackdown on that crowd like 50 Cent. 4 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,500 You're gonna get it crunk like Usher. 5 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,800 Like the Ushers? 6 00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:20,000 Oh man, I gotta think white, think white... 7 00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:23,500 - You mean: going to do well like Toby Keith. - Huh? 8 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,300 - I think I get it. - You're my man Jeff. 9 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,400 Thanks Sweet Daddy. 10 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,000 Group hug? 11 00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:32,100 What??? 12 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,800 Uh...Ok Jeff. You can put me down now... 13 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700 We got a show to do. 14 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,800 They're waiting for ya. 15 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,400 Ah...Shit 16 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,300 JEFF DUNHAM: "Arguing with Myself" 17 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,600 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Dunham. 18 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,000 Thank you! 19 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,400 Thank you so much! 20 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:02,800 Alright! 21 00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:05,900 Thank you 22 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,500 You are assuming way to much, ladies and gentlemen 23 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:15,600 But thanks for coming out tonight. I am happy to be in Orange County. 24 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,800 I'm happy to be in Santa Ana. 25 00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:22,500 My mother-in-law had a dance studio. She had this dance studio for 30 years. 26 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,400 She owned it and she ran it. 27 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:29,100 A few months ago, she was 4 days away from closing the sail on the dance studio 28 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:33,400 She was gonna take the money, retire, be independent and live out the rest of her life. 29 00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:39,000 Then, the hurricanes came... Guess where my mother-in-laws dance studio was?! 30 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,400 West Palm Beach, Florida. 31 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,000 Guess who's living with me and my family now in Los Angeles??!! 32 00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:49,400 I'll say it again: I am happy to be in Santa Ana. 33 00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:00,700 Where is Chris Rock, when you need the man? 34 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,700 In one house, it's me, my wife, three little girls 35 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,400 ..3 female dogs, 2 female rats , 1 female fish 36 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:10,300 Now my mother-in-law and as a bonus, my sister-in-law. 37 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,300 I am growing a uterus as we speak. 38 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,100 The only other male in the household, is my golden retriever: Bill. 39 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,200 And they had him neutered. 40 00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:25,800 Oh, it's very sad. I came home after being gone for about 5 days 41 00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,300 I walked in the front door. Bill is lying on the coach. 42 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,400 He looks up like: "Dude... 43 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,000 You're not going to believe what they did to me... 44 00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:36,400 "Run!" 45 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,000 Who is this? 46 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,900 Ladies, meet me in the green room!! 47 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,600 Well, our daughters are now 8, 10 and god forbid, 14 years of age. 48 00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,500 Thanks for your sympathy. 49 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,000 My wife and I recognize that we are living on the verge of hell. 50 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,500 Because from what I understand, when woman live in the same house, 51 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,800 apparently, God has a sense of humor. 52 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,700 Because eventually their biological time clocks synchronize 53 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,400 So I know when all my daughters get to be that age, 54 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:11,300 I'll be sitting on the phone with my agent every 3 and a half weeks going: 55 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,800 "You gotta get me the hell out of here!!" 56 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,800 My office door will be locked and all I hear is: 57 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,400 "Daddy... 58 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,900 Let us in..." 59 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,900 Bill will be sitting next to me: "Don't open the door!" 60 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:46,000 Well, I know that some of you know what's going on this evening. 61 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,000 I have little people in boxes and ahh... 62 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,800 I gotta tell ya, the way security is at the airports nowadays 63 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:54,400 when you try and check in with a small person in your luggage... 64 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,500 They stop ya. 65 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,800 Most airports nowadays have the sophisticated equipment for checking your luggage 66 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:04,400 They are like big MRIs, they can check the contents, the materials... 67 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,700 but some of the smaller airports, don't. We all know Burbank airport, just north of here a few miles. 68 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,100 Don't have all the sophisticated stuff, they still have to handcheck a lot of luggage. 69 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:18,300 I was in line, about 3 1/2 weeks ago, early one morning, very crowded 70 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,400 And most people, when you get your luggage handchecked, it's no big deal 71 00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,200 They might pull out your underwear, like uhw.. 72 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,700 But for me, they're pulling out dolls. 73 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,200 I told him not to do that joke. 74 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,700 And I figured out the way they decide, who's luggage they're gonna handcheck 75 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,500 It is a complete judgement call on these guys parts. 76 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:41,700 They look at you and they decide and apparently I look like a terrorist with a trunk. 77 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:46,500 Because as:"Sir, I gotta take a look at that trunk". I'm like: "Uh crap, here we go!" 78 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,600 So he takes the big trunk and he puts it on the top of the silver table 79 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:54,000 He opens it up and the first thing he pulls out is one of my little guys: Peanut. 80 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:57,700 You'll see him in a little while, you know my little Peanut. 81 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,500 But he pulls Peanut out and he's like: "He." and people in line are like: "Hey!" 82 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,000 And I'm like "Ohh..." 83 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,300 Now, they have these swabs and they swab whatever it is they're looking at 84 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,700 they then take the piece of material, they put it in the analyzer 85 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,900 it then checks to see if your stuff has come into contact with anything dangerous. 86 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,700 Chemicals or whatever. 87 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,600 So the guy has Peanut in one hand, swab in the other 88 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,500 This is all true, it's too stupid to make up. 89 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:28,900 He could have swabbed Peanut on the head, on the foot... 90 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,500 No, in front of God and everybody, he swabs his butt, just like that. 91 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,200 I know it's only a puppet... But I work with the guy. 92 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,300 There's a relationship here! 93 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:49,500 And I'm sitting there watching this and the first thing I find myself thinking is: 94 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,600 You sick bastard! 95 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:54,800 What the hell...?! 96 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,300 Why are you wiping my friends butt? 97 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,600 He then takes the swab, puts it in the machine, shuts the door 98 00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,000 I think we're finished. We start to put things away.... 99 00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:05,001 Suddenly the little machine goes: 100 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,800 Three more guys come out, they have me up against the wall. 101 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,300 they're checking my ID, they're doing a background check on the internet. 102 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,600 They're going through all my stuff, takes 15 minutes. 103 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,900 Now we're finished Everything is fine. 104 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,400 Then we start to put things back and then I start to think... 105 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,300 What the hell... 106 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:24,600 was on Peanuts butt... 107 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,300 that labelled me the potential terrorist? 108 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,700 This is all true and I asked the guy and he goes: 109 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,700 Well, it's all in code on the computer. Let's see. 110 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:46,300 He goes: "Eh, that would be militairy grade plastic explosives". And I go: "Hehehe.." 111 00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:48,700 "What???" 112 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,500 And he goes: "Well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that..." 113 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,400 And I went: "Haha! No, there is no lotion on the puppets ass!" 114 00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,200 I've been building bombs in my garage. 115 00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,900 You caught me skippy! 116 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,800 Thanks for straightening me out! 117 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,900 I don't ever want to go through the Burbank airport again. 118 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:20,700 There was only a small number of these guys doing all the checking 119 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,400 I know the next time I'll go through, they'll all be standing in a group and one of them will point and go: 120 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,000 "There he is! There's the gay puppet bomber!" 121 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,600 "There's lotion on his puppets ass" 122 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,200 You two girls are twins right? 123 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,500 Ladies and gentlemen, I have a few guys to introduce to you tonight 124 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,100 The first guy I met years ago when I was still in college 125 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,100 and he's a Vietnam war veteran 126 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,100 And he was a welder at the time. 127 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,100 He'd been married for many, many years 128 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,300 And he was just tired of being in the house and wanted to get out 129 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,100 He saw what I did on weekends 130 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,300 He thought it would be fun just to get up in front of people and just talk 131 00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,900 give his point of views on all kinds of subjects. 132 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,400 So we tried it a few times, I thought he was great 133 00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:05,000 We've been a team ever since. Please help me welcome my old friend: Walter 134 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,500 Shut the hell up! 135 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,700 - Walter, you're happy to be here? - Oh, overjoyed! 136 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,400 Last week, I was lying on a beach in Mali and I couldn't decide 137 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:41,500 Should I stay in Hawai or go to friggin Santa Ana? 138 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,000 My God, I can die happy now! 139 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,700 - Fine city - I don't give a damn 140 00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:57,500 - What's wrong with you? - I don't know 141 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:02,100 It's hot as hell outside, my skin is a drie and itchy, 142 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,400 You put me in a sweater 143 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,500 Sure as hell, not gonna ask you for lotion. 144 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,400 - You know you don't have to do this - Yeah, I can get a real job 145 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,600 - What would you do? - I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart 146 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:40,000 What the hell is so funny?! 147 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,300 At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line? 148 00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,900 Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out! 149 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,600 Have a nice day. 150 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,400 - Anything else wrong? - I don't know 151 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:07,000 My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin joint 152 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,500 And some jerk pulled up in a brand new mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. 153 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,700 He gets out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him. 154 00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:15,101 Don't you hate that? 155 00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,400 So I ran his ass over. 156 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,300 I made an honest man out of him. 157 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:34,000 And his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me. 158 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,300 Took her out with the door. 159 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,800 - Don't you feel kinda bad? - Oh hell, ain't carpool 160 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,800 - Do you think the police didn't see ya? - I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana 161 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,300 - You seen some of these guys? - What? 162 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,400 Cops on bicycles. 163 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,600 - What's wrong with that? - How intimidating is this: 164 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,200 "Sorry buddy, pull it over" 165 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:10,200 What do they do when they arrest somebody? "Alright, in the basket" 166 00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,800 Yes ladies... I wrote that joke. 167 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:20,000 Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops. They got playing cards in their spokes. 168 00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:22,001 "Halt!" 169 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,400 - So your wife's in town? - Oh, yeah! 170 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,000 - She's having a good time? - She always has a good time 171 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,300 Pisses me off 172 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,500 - She's a lovely lady! - She's gettin old 173 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,700 Well, women age like fine wine 174 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,300 She's aging like milk 175 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,700 - Did you guys get into another argument this morning? - Yeah 176 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:57,900 - What happened? - I don't know 177 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,900 She rolled out of bed, jumped on her minstrel cycle 178 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000 and ran my ass over. 179 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,600 Never heard it put quite that way before 180 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,000 Oh it even has a sound. It goes: 181 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:18,600 182 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:29,700 - How long have you been married? - Uh, what is it now? 46 years 183 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,800 What was the happiest moment of your life? 184 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,800 47 years ago 185 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,600 - How long have you been married? - 15 years 186 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,700 You'll see 187 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,700 - I'll see what? - Remember when you said: 188 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,700 - "Till death do us part"? - Yeah 189 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,800 Later, you'll realize you're actually setting a goal. 190 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,800 - Walter, what exactly is marriage to you? - It's like drinking a slurpy 191 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,900 First couple of sips are like: "Boy, this is really good. I'm glad I did this" 192 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,500 Then you keep drinking it, goes right to your head and you go.. 193 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:14,900 "What the hell was I thinking?!" 194 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,400 "Someone kill me please!" 195 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,300 But eventually it stops hurting 196 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,100 Yeah, but then you're stupid enough to take another friggin sip. 197 00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,800 - Ain't the same anymore is it? - What? 198 00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,600 Being married all these years. You can't look at other women now. 199 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,200 you can't talk to them, you can't do nothing. 200 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,800 - What are you talking about? - I'll show you what I'm talking about... 201 00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:38,000 See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row 202 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,700 This gorgeous young thing? 203 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,500 - Do you see her? - Yeah... 204 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,200 Oh well... 205 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,700 Only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark. 206 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:07,300 Getting married is kind of like buying a new car 207 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,900 You know when you see that car in the showroom floor just before you take it home... 208 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,100 - Yeah.. - That is as good as it's ever gonna look 209 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:19,900 Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches. Parts start to go bad. 210 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,500 Then the new models comes out and then you're like:... 211 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:34,300 "Honey, can I just sit in it?" No, remember? 212 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,100 - Walter, how's the love life? - You mean sex? 213 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,200 - Yes - I'm married, you morron! 214 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,700 - I'm too old too - You're not too old 215 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,400 - How would you know? - Well, I don't know, but I do know 216 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,300 I had grandparents who well into their eighties, where still having fun. 217 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,200 Their eighties? Good God... 218 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,400 What the hell kinda sex is that? 219 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:03,500 - "Was it good for you?" - "I can't remember" 220 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:12,100 - "We just finished!" - "Who are you?" 221 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,400 Are you trying to tell me there's nothing sexually going on between you and your wife? 222 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,200 It's very difficult. She gripes about everything. 223 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,700 Like what? 224 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,300 She said I don't make the right noises during sex 225 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,200 - Sorry to hear that - Wanna hear what I do? 226 00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,300 No 227 00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:32,300 - Alright, you talked me into it. - Wait a minute... 228 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,100 Now be careful, these are gonna be kind of pornographic 229 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,800 "Get off" 230 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,300 "I can't see the weather channel!" 231 00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,800 "Get the hell off!" 232 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:59,000 Oh, now that's funny! Wait, no it's not. 233 00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:05,500 I know you know better than I do, but I mean is there any kind of foreplay for you guys? 234 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,300 Foreplay? At our age? 235 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,600 Yeah, it's come down to: "Hey, wake up!" 236 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,200 - You know what oral sex for us is? - What? 237 00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,700 She screams: "Screw you!" and I yell: "Bite me!" 238 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,500 Come on Walter, at your age, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? 239 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,200 BRISE. 240 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,500 I don't know. My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life 241 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,000 Coffee? Is it? 242 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:45,500 No, it kept me awake through the whole damn thing. 243 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,900 I actually had to participate! 244 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,500 Doctor said it's bad for my heart too. 245 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,600 - Oh, the caffeine? - No, seeing my wife naked 246 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,800 - That's awful! - Oh, you seen her too? 247 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,700 So, is coffee good for the sex life or not? 248 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,000 I don't know, but they're never gonna let us go back into that Starbucks again! 249 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,600 Well, we used the filter! 250 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,400 You know Walter -despite how you act-, I bet when you were younger you were quite a ladiesman 251 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,900 I used to chase skirts all over the world. 252 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,900 - Really? - Till I got to Scotland... 253 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,000 and boy, was I surprised! 254 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,000 - So you had women everywhere? - I even dated a girl in India 255 00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,200 - Really? - Lovely young lady. Weird ass country. 256 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,200 - What's wrong with India? - I don't now 257 00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:44,200 Most of the women got a red dot in the middle of their forehead. 258 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,800 What the hell is that? "You are here" 259 00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,500 Maybe it lights up when the coffee is ready? 260 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,000 Sorry 261 00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:06,400 - "Scratch it off, you friggin win something!!" - Will you stop?! 262 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,000 How about this: "Hey looks like she's videotaping me all the time!" 263 00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:39,800 As everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question 264 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:43,600 So before the show started, I grabbed a small handful. I think you should answer them. 265 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,200 I don't give a damn 266 00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:49,600 You pall here in the blue shirt, in the front row... You filled one out? 267 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,900 Hello! 268 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,700 DID YOU FILL ONE OUT? 269 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,500 Where are you going?! Sit the hell down! 270 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,000 You bastard, this is TV! 271 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,500 What the hell? 272 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,000 Think he's gonna take a piss? 273 00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:33,000 These are expensive tickets, extensive set-up, lot of production 274 00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:37,500 Divide it all up, if he's gone for 3 minutes, he's taking a 600 dollar piss! 275 00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:43,400 Dumbass. 276 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000 Is he coming back? 277 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,400 Ok 278 00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,400 We'll wait. 279 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,900 - What's that guys first name? - Mike! 280 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,800 Mike. Dumbass. 281 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,000 - Are there speakers up in the bathroom? - Yes 282 00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,300 Oh Mike!! 283 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,900 Whe are waiting for you, Mike!! 284 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,600 Kinda of tough to go with all this pressure isn't it, Mike?! 285 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,600 Mike! 286 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,700 Get out!! 287 00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,100 Mike's taking a long time... 288 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,000 Could be having trouble... 289 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,800 What does Mike do for a living? 290 00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:24,400 Transportations 291 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,100 He does transportation? 292 00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,500 What the hell does that mean? 293 00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:33,500 Medical transportation 294 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,400 Medical transportation?! 295 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,300 What the fuck is that?! 296 00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:57,300 Welcome back, dumbass! 297 00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,600 Mike, could you hear us in there? 298 00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:04,400 Mike! 299 00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:08,200 Somebody pull his string. He's not talking. 300 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,200 Mike, could you hear us in there? 301 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,100 I could't hear it. 302 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,400 Well, we could hear you. 303 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,800 And you didn't wash your hands! 304 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,100 I don't give a damn 305 00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,300 Back to you, asswhole. 306 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:47,100 I'm sorry, just kiddin around. What is your first name, here in the blue shirt? 307 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,300 Nick. 308 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,000 Nick, what do you do for a living? 309 00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:54,400 - I work in construction - What kind of construction? 310 00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:57,400 - I work with a general contractor - With a general contractor 311 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,100 You're not the general contractor? You work WITH one. 312 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,600 - So what is your title, Nick? - I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling. 313 00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,500 framing and drywalling... 314 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,200 Got anything for that, dumbass? 315 00:23:15,900 --> 00:23:20,900 You know Nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers and even trash collectors. 316 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,500 But the framing and drywalling guy... 317 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,000 Not in our arsenal of snatty come-backs! 318 00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:42,500 Now we're not gonna bother going home and writing any 319 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,600 cos hey... what are the fucking odds now ? 320 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:48,500 I'm sorry 321 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,600 - It was Nick right? - Yeah 322 00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,300 Nick and Mike. Mike and Nick. 323 00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:58,600 Dumbasses. 324 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,400 - Would you be nice to the crowd? - I don't give a damn 325 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,200 - Some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't - I don't give a damn 326 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:18,100 - Where is Valerie...? What is it? - What is it... Ramney... Ramsey... 327 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,200 - Valerie, where are ya? - Right there 328 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:25,300 "Dear Walter, how do you take off ten years to look younger?" 329 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,900 Oh, me? That would be Thompson's WaterSeal. 330 00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:41,900 This is from Milton: "Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work." 331 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,300 "How can I get her to get a job?" 332 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,800 Well Milton, you're going to have to die. 333 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:57,500 That'll teach the bitch! 334 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,900 - Where is Nick Manos? - Right here! 335 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,000 Nick! 336 00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:14,100 Nick says: "Dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated." 337 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,600 "When is the last time you got laid?" 338 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,400 Oh crap, I recognize him. That's our gay stalker! 339 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,500 I need medical transportation! 340 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,600 This is from Steven: "Dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?" 341 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,700 Tony Whittier. Oh, Tony from Whittier, California. 342 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,200 - Pay attention, idiot - I'm sorry 343 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,900 "Dear Walter, time and time again I have filled out this sheet, 6 times." 344 00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:11,700 "You never answer my question. What gives?" 345 00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:13,900 - Let's skip that one - Ok 346 00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:26,500 This is from Chris, it's a girl Chris 347 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,400 "Dear..." You read this 348 00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:35,100 "Dear Walter, after 9 1/2 years my boyfriend still hasn't 'popped' the question" 349 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,900 That says 'poop' the question!! 350 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,800 Chris, you need to learn to spell I think 351 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,900 How the hell do you 'poop' the question? 352 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,800 I guess you should listen from the other end... 353 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:04,800 "Dear Walter, why don't chicken breasts have nipples?" 354 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,200 What?! 355 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,600 I guess cos if they got too cold, they'd poke a whole in the package. 356 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:32,800 New from the Colonel: "Chicken and Tits" 357 00:27:37,100 --> 00:27:40,200 "Dear Walter, what is one of Jeffs deepest darkest secrets?" 358 00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,800 He has a sex blow up doll 359 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,800 - No I don't - Yes you do 360 00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:46,300 - No - Yes and the sick part is... 361 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,900 he makes her talk... 362 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:56,400 - And boy, does she lie! - Will you stop it! 363 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,700 "Dear Walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?" 364 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,000 Dirt 365 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,700 And we were happy 366 00:28:07,900 --> 00:28:13,100 Kids nowadays, they have too much. They got the internet, videogames, computer crap. 367 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,600 Hell they're even passing out condoms in highschools, did you know that? 368 00:28:16,700 --> 00:28:18,600 - Yeah - Good God 369 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:22,700 When I was that age, we had to walk 5 miles to get a condom 370 00:28:24,100 --> 00:28:26,000 Up hill. 371 00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:28,000 In the snow. 372 00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,000 - With a boner! - Oh stop it! 373 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,500 I threw this one away, cos I thought it was kinda over the line 374 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,900 but I think we crossed that a couple of times 375 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:47,900 - You read it - Why? 376 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,800 - I just can't. You read it. - Ok, I don't care 377 00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:54,700 "Dear Walter, why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, 378 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,100 but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?" 379 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,600 Well obviously, your toothbrush is bigger 380 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:10,300 That's Walter! There we go! Alright! 381 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,400 Thank you! 382 00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:26,600 Thank you so much 383 00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:28,700 And now ladies and gentlemen... 384 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,600 Folks, every once in a while, a fear in showbusiness 385 00:29:35,701 --> 00:29:37,501 you feel the need to reinvent yourself. Redo things. 386 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,400 Make the creative juices keep flowing 387 00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:43,000 I felt not long ago, it was time for me to do that 388 00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:45,700 so I fired my current manager and hired a new one. 389 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,500 He's actually here this evening and before I go any further, he wanted to come out and say a few words 390 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,800 We are getting to know eachother, he's getting to know my audiences. 391 00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:56,000 I think you're really going to enjoy him, because he's a smart guy. I really respect him. 392 00:29:56,100 --> 00:29:59,600 Please help me welcome my new manager Sweet Daddy D. 393 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,500 Well, it's about time. These folks were waiting to see me... 394 00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:24,200 - How are you doing Sweet Daddy? - Oh no, it's not Sweet Daddy, it's Sweet Daddy D. 395 00:30:30,700 --> 00:30:33,100 Well, I'm happy to call you my new manager 396 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,100 I'm what you call a player in a management profession. 397 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,200 Right. 398 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:37,800 P.I.M.P. 399 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,500 - You're a pimp? - That makes you the hoe! 400 00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:50,200 - I'm not a whore - What do you do for a living? 401 00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:51,900 - Make people laugh - Make them feel good? 402 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,900 - Right - You're the hoe 403 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,200 - That's not right - Why do you do what you do? 404 00:30:57,300 --> 00:31:00,500 Why? Because I enjoy it and it's the best way I know to make money 405 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:02,600 You're the hoe! 406 00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:05,500 Wait a minute, what if I said I only do it because of the money? 407 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:09,600 You're the dumb hoe. 408 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400 So what ideas do you have for my career? 409 00:31:15,500 --> 00:31:17,800 The first thing I gotta do is school you in street 410 00:31:17,900 --> 00:31:19,100 - Street? - Word 411 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,300 - What? - Word 412 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,200 What word? 413 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,800 What? 414 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,700 - You said: "Word". - Word 415 00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:34,700 - What word? - Oh snap, what the hell? 416 00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:38,000 Dog, "word" is like: "I heard that?" 417 00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,100 - Heard what? - Oh shit 418 00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:43,800 Dog, you are not white. You're neon white 419 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,000 You're so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother. 420 00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:53,000 - I like Barry Manilow. - Are you gay? 421 00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:54,100 No 422 00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:56,500 I heard about the lotion. 423 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:03,800 - I'm not gay - You're just white. 424 00:32:03,900 --> 00:32:05,900 - Yeah - It's all good 425 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:10,000 - Look, do you think this is gonna work between us? - Let's make an analogy here... 426 00:32:10,100 --> 00:32:11,800 If we were food... 427 00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:16,300 I would be a fine summer wine that would be divine anytime 428 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:25,200 - What about me? - Every good wine needs a cracker! 429 00:32:25,700 --> 00:32:27,600 That's funny shit right there! 430 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,000 You gotta laugh at that shit 431 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,600 We got a fine hoochy momma right here 432 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:42,700 Hello??!!! 433 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,600 You're looking to go home with some real wood? 434 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,000 You like it?! 435 00:32:53,100 --> 00:32:56,100 I may be short, but it ain't my feet holding me up 436 00:33:02,900 --> 00:33:05,900 - Sweet Daddy, what are you doing? - Trying to find me some hoes, dog! 437 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:08,000 Hoes? 438 00:33:08,300 --> 00:33:10,500 Oh you mean women! Oh I got it! 439 00:33:11,100 --> 00:33:12,300 Word!!! 440 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,900 Don't you ever do that again!! 441 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,300 I don't know what the hell that was, but you just embarrassed the hell out of everybody 442 00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:24,500 Even the white folks are sitting there going: "What the fuck was that?" 443 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,400 You know us black folks got a saying 444 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,600 - Stay black - Right. 445 00:33:30,700 --> 00:33:32,300 - I got some advice for you - What? 446 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,100 Stay white 447 00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:38,900 I know a lot of white people emulate the Afro-American culture 448 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:42,700 - To make themselves seem cooler. - Yeah, us black folks got a word for that... 449 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,800 - What? - Irritating 450 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:49,200 So I'll say it again and it goes for most everybody in this room 451 00:33:49,300 --> 00:33:51,800 I'll stay black, You stay white. 452 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,400 As for my Mexican brothers and sisters... 453 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:58,000 You learn English mothafuckers, how bout that? 454 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,500 That's funny shit right there! 455 00:34:10,700 --> 00:34:13,600 Oh Lord, I'm glad I'm going home in a suitcase 456 00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,700 Look Sweet Daddy, who are some of your other clients? 457 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,900 - I can't tell you that... - Why? 458 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,200 - I gotta protect their anonymity - Well... 459 00:34:22,300 --> 00:34:24,100 Give us a hint then. How bout some initials? 460 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,200 O.J. Oh shit! 461 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:32,600 - So you have some athletes and former athletes? - Oh, sure enough 462 00:34:32,700 --> 00:34:34,100 - So you like sports? - Oh yeah 463 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:35,900 I like sports, lets talk about sports 464 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:39,500 What do you think about the hockey strike we had not long ago? 465 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,100 The what...? 466 00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:49,400 - You know, the hockey strike - Oh yeah 467 00:34:49,500 --> 00:34:52,300 Me and all the brothers were laying around the hood everyday going: 468 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,400 "Oh Lord, what do we do with no hockey?!" 469 00:34:57,700 --> 00:35:00,400 "Thank the Lord, we got NASCAR!" 470 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,200 NASCAR, that's another dumbass crack of sport! 471 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,500 - NASCAR is very popular - I know that, I just don't get it! 472 00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:17,200 Lots of grown, white men going 500 miles, in a circle?! 473 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:20,300 What the hell?! 474 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:25,000 What kind of sleen half (?) is this: "Look, they're making a left turn" 475 00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:28,500 "Oh, they're making another left turn" 476 00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:31,800 "Oh, they're making another left turn" 477 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,400 I wonder what's gonna happen next??? 478 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,000 "Let's go to commercial, come back in 10 minutes, 479 00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:41,600 you ain't gonna miss a fuckin thing!" 480 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,500 He is that the dude that Walter was talking to? 481 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,300 Right there 482 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:56,200 I was talking to him outside before the show 483 00:35:56,300 --> 00:35:58,300 He was dissin me on my threads 484 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,200 - Oh, he didn't like your clothes - That's right 485 00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:05,600 And he asks: "How come your name is Sweet Daddy?" You know what I said to him? 486 00:36:05,700 --> 00:36:07,600 Ask your momma!! 487 00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:14,000 Don't get all up in my grill dog, you know it ain't just me up here... 488 00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:20,300 And if I'm not funny, it's not my fault 489 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,000 - See dog, I'm kinda like coffee - Coffee? 490 00:36:24,100 --> 00:36:29,800 Yeah, before you experience my brown goodness... I gotta go through a big ass white filter. 491 00:36:35,900 --> 00:36:37,900 That's funny shit right there! 492 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:42,300 - So Sweet Daddy, do you like the audience here? - I love your crowd... 493 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,800 But I feel a little bit outnumber... 494 00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:49,900 Is there one other brother in the house tonight? 495 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,500 Yo dog! Run! 496 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,100 Start up the car, I need you out back after the show! 497 00:37:03,500 --> 00:37:06,300 It's like we're at a Dwight Yokum concert, or some shit like that 498 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:11,200 Look Sweet Daddy, before you go... Why did you choose me as a client? 499 00:37:11,300 --> 00:37:12,800 - Because you're safe. - I'm what? 500 00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:15,500 I gotta lot of clients ending up in jail and in trouble. I don't see you putting your ass in jail anytime soon. 501 00:37:15,601 --> 00:37:18,501 502 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,200 Unless of course, they make lotion illegal... 503 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:30,100 - Will you please drop the lotion? - Ok, but I ain't picking it up anywhere near your ass! 504 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,100 That's Sweet Daddy D! 505 00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:41,500 Thank you! 506 00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:45,500 And now ladies and gentlemen, how do we describe this next guy? 507 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,900 Pretty much just white, trash trailer park. 508 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,200 Please help me welcome, Bubba J. 509 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,700 - How are you doing Bubba J? - I'm doing pretty good! 510 00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:11,700 - Well, I'm glad you're here - Yeah, I was fixin' to coming here 511 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,200 And I went out the front door to come here 512 00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:16,200 And I came here, and I got here 513 00:38:16,300 --> 00:38:18,200 And here I am! 514 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,800 So Bubba J, what does the J stand for? 515 00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,600 My last name is Junior. 516 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:34,600 - It's a good thing they didn't name you Junior - Yeah, that'll be dumb: Junior Junior. 517 00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:38,000 That's my brothers name. 518 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,600 What have you been doing today? 519 00:38:41,700 --> 00:38:45,700 I've been watching NASCAR and drinking beer! 520 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:51,500 - That's your favorite sport - Yeah, NASCAR is too! 521 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:57,400 NASCAR is very hot right now. 522 00:38:57,500 --> 00:38:59,600 I know, everybody loves NASCAR! 523 00:38:59,700 --> 00:39:03,300 Well, Sweet Daddy says it's just a bunch of guys driving in a circle. 524 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:05,300 I know, that's my favorite part 525 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,600 "They're making a left turn!" 526 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,600 It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered. 527 00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:21,400 - I understand you got a new tattoo - Yeah, I got another somewhere else... 528 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:24,200 that'll grow... 529 00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:29,800 - Did you get it? - They got it! 530 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:35,500 I'm tired of hearing that most NASCAR fans drink too much. 531 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,000 - Cos it's not true? - Oh no, it's true... 532 00:39:38,100 --> 00:39:40,600 I'm just tired of hearing it. 533 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,800 Makes me thirsty for another beer 534 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,900 - Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track? - Yeah, but we have boxed wine... 535 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,600 Yeah, it's wine that comes in a box 536 00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:55,900 It's great, cos if you had too much to drink, then you got something to throw up in. 537 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,300 Bubba J, don't you worry about your health? 538 00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,800 - Huh? - Your health... 539 00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:04,700 - Like what? - Your liver... 540 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:05,900 No 541 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,000 My last abduction with the aliens took it. 542 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,600 - You think you got abducted by aliens? - I don't think, I know!!! 543 00:40:16,700 --> 00:40:20,200 They took me and they stuck something in my butt. 544 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:26,000 And not in the good way... 545 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,600 When you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, 546 00:40:39,700 --> 00:40:42,200 who is your designated driver? 547 00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:44,800 What the fuck is that? 548 00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:50,000 - Do you drive drunk? - No officer!! 549 00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:54,300 I'm practising 550 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:02,200 - Have you ever had an intervention? - Yeah, and penicillin cleared her right of him 551 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,900 Stupid cousin 552 00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:14,400 It was a second cousin! 553 00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:17,600 That's a grey area 554 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,600 - Do you play any sports yourself? - Does 'QUARTERS' count? 555 00:41:22,700 --> 00:41:23,800 No 556 00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:28,700 - Do you got a drinking problem? - No, I pretty much got it figured out 557 00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:34,200 - What's your favorite beer? - An open one 558 00:41:40,300 --> 00:41:44,000 - And how do you know when you had too much? - I run out 559 00:41:48,100 --> 00:41:50,500 Have you ever been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? 560 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,100 A.A. is for quiters 561 00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:02,200 He, Mister Dunham, I was wondering... What is it that you do for a living? 562 00:42:02,300 --> 00:42:05,100 - I'm a comedian - You are? 563 00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:08,900 - You got one of them catch frases? - Well you know I'm a ventriloquist 564 00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,200 Oh, you don't eat meat? 565 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,000 What? 566 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,000 - Bubba J, are you married? - Oh yeah 567 00:42:19,100 --> 00:42:21,000 - Is your wife pretty? - Yeah... 568 00:42:21,100 --> 00:42:22,200 No 569 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,100 - What's the difference? - The light. 570 00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:33,000 - Where did you meet your wife? - At the family reunion. 571 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:38,100 What?! 572 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:43,600 - Where was this family reunion? - At the state fair. 573 00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:47,200 Why don't you tell us about the first time you saw your wife? 574 00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:48,500 Alright 575 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,600 There she was... 576 00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:58,400 - More? - Yeah, more! 577 00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:02,300 - Where was she? - She was leaning against the ferris wheel.. 578 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,000 Making it tilt... 579 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,400 Sunlight, glistening off her curlers... 580 00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:16,800 Corndog in one hand, a Budweiser in the other. 581 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,200 My tattoo is growing!! 582 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,400 I went up to her and I said: "Young woman, you look more delicious 583 00:43:35,500 --> 00:43:39,100 then mayonnaise oozing out of a spam sandwich." 584 00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,800 And then she smiled... 585 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,500 What a tooth! 586 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,400 - So I guess you dated her a little while? - Yeah, a little bit 587 00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:55,000 - Then you proposed? - No her daddy did that for me 588 00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,700 - How did that happen? - I was supposed to come and pick her up about 7 o'clock 589 00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,000 One night, I got there at 7.30h 590 00:44:01,100 --> 00:44:04,500 And her daddy was on the front porch with his shotgun. He said: 591 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,900 "He Bubba J, guess who else is late!" 592 00:44:10,700 --> 00:44:14,400 I'm glad you're laughing, somebody had to explain it to me. 593 00:44:17,300 --> 00:44:19,500 I still don't get it 594 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,500 - So I guess you had the wedding at the church? - Yeah 595 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,200 - Had the reception? - At Wal-Mart 596 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:27,800 - Wal-Mart? - Yeah 597 00:44:27,900 --> 00:44:30,800 - Why? - Easier to return the gifts 598 00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,300 We walked in the front door, some old conger standing there and he goes: 599 00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:38,900 He, welcome to Wal-Mart, get you shit and get out! 600 00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:43,000 - Say goodnight Bubba J. - Goodnight! 601 00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:49,800 I met this next guy many years ago, also when I was in college. 602 00:44:49,900 --> 00:44:55,500 He is not from the United States. He's from a small micronesian island in the South-Pacific. 603 00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,900 And he hopped a cruise ship, I actually met him down in Florida. 604 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:03,600 We met up, talked a little bit, I thought he was kinda funny. We went on stage together a few times. 605 00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:08,100 He's been in my act ever since. Please help me welcome my buddy: Peanut. 606 00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:22,400 - How are you doing Peanut? - I'm doing pretty good. How are you? 607 00:45:22,500 --> 00:45:26,000 - I'm fine - That's good, that's goood, that's gooood! 608 00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:30,500 - Well, looks like a pretty good crowd tonight - You like it here? 609 00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:33,600 Oh, I love coming here to uh, uh, uh.... 610 00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,800 This town right here!! 611 00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:36,400 - Which town? - This one 612 00:45:36,500 --> 00:45:39,600 - Which is? - The one we're in right now... 613 00:45:44,100 --> 00:45:46,100 Peanut, where are we? 614 00:45:46,500 --> 00:45:48,300 You don't know?? 615 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,200 - I don't think you know - I forgot 616 00:45:51,300 --> 00:45:54,900 - You forgot? - We go to see so damn many places, I forgot! 617 00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,100 - Think about it for a second - Alright, alright, alright... 618 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:02,500 Damn!!! 619 00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:07,400 - The drive from the valley - Was bad as hell... 620 00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:09,800 - Traffic? - Sucked like hell... 621 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,100 - Drivers? - Angry as hell... 622 00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,500 - And you? - Were scared as hell... 623 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,800 - Parking here? - Sucked more like hell... 624 00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:20,100 - So? - We're in hell!! 625 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,700 And these are our hellmates! 626 00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:35,800 Think about it, next time somebody tells you to go to hell: "Come right here!" 627 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:38,600 - Where are we? - I don't know! 628 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,200 Help me out, help me out!! 629 00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:44,000 Sorry 630 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,600 - I wrote it down for you - Oh good, you wrote it down! 631 00:46:47,700 --> 00:46:50,100 Ah yes! I love coming to... 632 00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:51,100 Sa. 633 00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,000 Nata A. 634 00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,000 Na. 635 00:47:02,500 --> 00:47:04,500 What the hell is that?! 636 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,900 Sa Nata A Na. 637 00:47:10,700 --> 00:47:14,300 What is it a friggin Indian reservation?! What the hell?! 638 00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:17,700 Sa Nata A Na. 639 00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:31,400 It's Santa Ana. "Santa Ana". 640 00:47:33,700 --> 00:47:38,200 Look I know I didn't finish school, but that friggin says: "Sa Nata A Na". 641 00:47:39,900 --> 00:47:41,500 Dumbass 642 00:47:49,900 --> 00:47:52,100 I will never blink 643 00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:08,800 - They pronounce it: "Santa Ana". - Well, they're wrong! 644 00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:11,200 Sa Nata A Na. 645 00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:20,300 - It's Santa Ana! - Are you sure? 646 00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:21,900 - Yeah - Ok! 647 00:48:29,300 --> 00:48:31,200 - You're happy to be here? - What? 648 00:48:31,300 --> 00:48:34,000 - You're happy to be here? - Ohh, yes I am... 649 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,400 Just last week, I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing. 650 00:48:39,500 --> 00:48:42,600 I will never be happy untill we return to... 651 00:48:42,700 --> 00:48:44,500 Sa Nata A Na! 652 00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,800 And now, we're here!! 653 00:48:54,700 --> 00:48:57,000 Thank you for bringing me! 654 00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,400 - It's a fine city - Ok! 655 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,200 - And we're in a very nice theater - Ok! 656 00:49:04,500 --> 00:49:06,300 This town is great 657 00:49:10,300 --> 00:49:12,300 It's a fine city! 658 00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:16,500 Have you looked around?! 659 00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:20,200 Holy crap! 660 00:49:21,700 --> 00:49:23,600 It sucks! 661 00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:32,100 - A lot of history in this city. - Translated: "Old as shit". 662 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,600 They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing... 663 00:49:45,700 --> 00:49:48,200 Polish a turd, it's still a turd 664 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,200 - It's a fine city - Ok! 665 00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:58,800 Sorry! 666 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,400 - But the drive down here did suck - Yes it did 667 00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:07,400 It was in the 4 or 5 then the 5, holy crap! 668 00:50:07,500 --> 00:50:12,000 Thank goodness we turned on the radio and listened to the traffic report 669 00:50:12,100 --> 00:50:15,200 - How much good did that do us? - None what so friggin ever! 670 00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,700 I hate the traffic reports. They are a waste of time. 671 00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:23,200 Let me do the traffic reports, I'll save everyone a lot of time and money. 672 00:50:23,300 --> 00:50:26,700 "He Peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning, there's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?" 673 00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:29,800 "IT'S EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! 674 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,800 Everyone left the house at the same damn time 675 00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:45,200 Back to you! 676 00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:49,100 Call me back at 5.30, I'll tell you the same thing 677 00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,100 Only guess what? THEY ARE GOING THE OTHER WAY! 678 00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:07,700 You know what else pissed me off today? Try using my cell phone 679 00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:10,000 - Having trouble? - Just like the stinkin commercials 680 00:51:10,100 --> 00:51:12,600 "Can you hear me know? How bout now? Or now? Now?" 681 00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:17,000 You know what you don't hear in those commercials? The other end of the conversation! 682 00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:27,800 What a piece of shit! 683 00:51:28,500 --> 00:51:32,500 You know what cellphone sex is? "Can you feel me now? How bout now?" 684 00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,400 Stop it! 685 00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:47,900 This guy is not getting any of this. I've been watching him the whole time and it's all going... 686 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,500 I'm just kidding buddy. What's your name? 687 00:51:54,700 --> 00:51:56,700 WHAT IS YOUR NAME? 688 00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:59,200 I'm fucking looking right at ya! 689 00:52:02,900 --> 00:52:04,400 - Aren't I? - I think so 690 00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:07,500 Fix my eyes asswhole 691 00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,300 It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them. 692 00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:19,900 It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye. You don't know which eye to focus on. 693 00:52:20,500 --> 00:52:27,000 You're sitting there talking to them thinking: "Oh crap, should I be looking at that eye or that eye?" 694 00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,800 Focus you morron! 695 00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:41,600 What?! 696 00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:47,300 - What if someone here has a lazy eye? - I'll confuse them. Here I am. Here! 697 00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:58,400 - You know what pesto is? - Pesto is the stuff that goes on salades and pizza. 698 00:52:58,500 --> 00:53:01,500 No, Pesto. It's a magician with a harelip. Pesto! 699 00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:11,300 - What if somebody here has a harelip? - Sorry! 700 00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:12,600 Oh stop it! 701 00:53:13,700 --> 00:53:18,100 Boy, what if they had a harelip and a lazy eye. Their really gone be: "Fissed off" 702 00:53:24,300 --> 00:53:26,300 Back to you dude 703 00:53:27,300 --> 00:53:29,400 I'm kidding. You right here with the blond hair and the glasses. 704 00:53:29,500 --> 00:53:31,500 - What is your first name? - Terry. 705 00:53:31,700 --> 00:53:33,000 Terry! 706 00:53:33,900 --> 00:53:35,900 What do you do for a living, Terry? 707 00:53:36,500 --> 00:53:40,000 - I'm a business analyst - A business analyst 708 00:53:40,500 --> 00:53:42,000 Fascinating 709 00:53:44,100 --> 00:53:47,100 How the hell does that work? Go to a business and go: 710 00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,200 "You are in business" 711 00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:04,000 - So where were we before this? - Before this, we were in D.C. 712 00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:05,900 Ah yes, Washington D.C. 713 00:54:06,100 --> 00:54:09,200 Doing a show in a theater. A lovely theater. 714 00:54:09,300 --> 00:54:11,200 About 5 minutes in the show, I happen to look down. 715 00:54:11,300 --> 00:54:13,800 Back where you're sitting dude, there was a guy. Sitting right there where you are, 716 00:54:13,900 --> 00:54:16,400 but he was facing THAT way. 717 00:54:16,500 --> 00:54:19,500 And everytime I said something, the guy went: 718 00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:23,100 And I go: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" and the guy goes: 719 00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,900 It was a signer. A SIG NER 720 00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:32,100 Think about this for a second... They brought a bunch of deaf people to see a ventriloquist! 721 00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:41,800 WHAT?! 722 00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:47,100 What's do you do next? Go take on the blind folks to see David Copperfield. 723 00:54:54,300 --> 00:54:56,300 "The elephant disappeared" 724 00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,600 "It just fucking disappeared" 725 00:55:06,300 --> 00:55:10,900 Oh my god, he's juggling now! You should see...Oh, sorry! 726 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:13,000 What the hell were they thinking? 727 00:55:13,100 --> 00:55:18,200 And as the show went on, this guy started to piss me off. I've never actually seen myself talk before: 728 00:55:18,700 --> 00:55:22,500 So now I thought: Ok I'm gonna get even with this guy and suddenly in the middle of the show, I went: 729 00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:27,100 "He, stopsign, thank you, turn around, doing doing, horseshoe, turtle, ughadigadigadiga." 730 00:55:29,700 --> 00:55:32,700 And this poor bastard is just signing away 731 00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:35,100 All the deaf folks are like: 732 00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:45,500 "What the hell is going on?" 733 00:55:46,500 --> 00:55:48,500 "Our guy sucks" 734 00:55:49,700 --> 00:55:52,300 And then the really screwed thing... The guy went: 735 00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:59,600 Off course, now he's just sitting there 736 00:56:02,700 --> 00:56:04,700 All deaf folks are like: 737 00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:13,500 "Come on! 738 00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:16,700 What are we missing?!" 739 00:56:18,700 --> 00:56:21,900 Sad part is... This is all completely true. 740 00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,400 We're going to hell, aren't we!? 741 00:56:26,100 --> 00:56:29,100 Hop, here we are! 742 00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:43,100 Oh check it out! Look, look, look, look 743 00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,000 - Are you ready? - Si se�or 744 00:56:52,700 --> 00:56:54,600 There's something the new folks don't know. Tell them what you are... 745 00:56:54,700 --> 00:56:57,200 I am the jalape�o on the stick 746 00:57:01,200 --> 00:57:03,600 - That our jalape�o...on a stick - S�. 747 00:57:03,700 --> 00:57:06,000 - Tell them your name - My name Jos�. 748 00:57:06,100 --> 00:57:09,000 - Jos� what? - Jos� Jalape�o. 749 00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:11,300 On a stick 750 00:57:12,700 --> 00:57:16,400 - And your Mexican? - No se�or. Mexicans are from Mexico 751 00:57:16,500 --> 00:57:18,100 I am Cuban 752 00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,200 I'm from Florida 753 00:57:22,900 --> 00:57:25,600 - I understand you guys had a good day today? - Yes, we had a great day 754 00:57:25,700 --> 00:57:27,100 - No we did not - Yes 755 00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:27,700 - No. - Yes. 756 00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:30,200 No, we did not have a good day 757 00:57:30,700 --> 00:57:32,700 Yes, we GGGAVE... 758 00:57:34,100 --> 00:57:36,100 a great friggin day! 759 00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:40,800 What?! 760 00:57:42,100 --> 00:57:42,800 - Did you have a good day? - Yeah 761 00:57:42,900 --> 00:57:45,600 - No. - Shut up. 762 00:57:45,700 --> 00:57:46,100 - A good day? - Yes 763 00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:48,700 - No. - Shut up. 764 00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:52,500 - You're supposed to have taking him to the spa - I took him to the spa 765 00:57:54,100 --> 00:57:56,600 He put me in the vegetable steamer 766 00:58:03,700 --> 00:58:05,400 It's the same thing! 767 00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:07,000 It's not the same thing! 768 00:58:07,100 --> 00:58:10,400 It is too. It gets hot and it gets steamy and then it goes: 769 00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,700 Purple bastard! 770 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,300 Mexican condiment 771 00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,200 - A condiment? - I do not use them 772 00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,000 - You don't? - Neither did your mother 773 00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:35,100 Oh, that is funny shit right there! That is funny shit! 774 00:58:41,800 --> 00:58:44,000 Wow! That was really good! 775 00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:46,500 You gotta work on it a little though 776 00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:48,000 - Why? - Cos from here it sounded like 777 00:58:48,100 --> 00:58:51,400 it came out of my ass 778 00:58:53,900 --> 00:58:56,300 Now I have somewhere to put my stick 779 00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:01,800 Oh yeah?! Well your mother is a corndog! 780 00:59:02,500 --> 00:59:04,100 On a stick! 781 00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:09,700 - Look Jos�, are you happy? - S�, se�or. I am happy 782 00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:11,800 What the hell is "GGGappy"? 783 00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:18,000 - Are you always happy? - I'm not happy on Halloween 784 00:59:18,100 --> 00:59:21,600 What the GGGell is wrong with GGGalloween? 785 00:59:26,100 --> 00:59:28,700 There are no costumes on a stick 786 00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:32,400 You could be a fudgesicle 787 00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:37,000 - Did anything else happen today? - No! 788 00:59:37,100 --> 00:59:39,300 - Si - Damn! 789 00:59:40,700 --> 00:59:43,500 - What else happened? - We were getting out of the car today 790 00:59:43,600 --> 00:59:45,800 He slam my stick in the door 791 00:59:50,500 --> 00:59:52,800 And now I have a sore stick 792 00:59:54,100 --> 00:59:56,100 Peanut did you apologize? 793 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:00,000 - No. - Why not? 794 01:00:00,100 --> 01:00:02,600 Cos I couldn't breathe! 795 01:00:03,500 --> 01:00:07,300 - Why couldn't you breathe? - Because he was laughing too hard 796 01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:16,600 Man, it was funny! He looked like a hood ornament from taco bell! 797 01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:21,200 - I think you just have to apologize. - Alright, alright, alright 798 01:00:21,300 --> 01:00:23,200 Jos�, I'm sorry 799 01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:24,800 It's ok 800 01:00:24,900 --> 01:00:27,300 I hope you die 801 01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,200 Look, you're just gonna have to be nicer to him 802 01:00:29,201 --> 01:00:30,201 - Como estas usted? - Muy bien 803 01:00:30,302 --> 01:00:32,702 - Quieres algo de beber - Pues si, bueno 804 01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,900 - What are you doing? - I'm speaking to Jos� in his native tongue 805 01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:36,900 - Well, don't do that - Why not? 806 01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,500 Well... It makes me feel... left out... 807 01:00:48,300 --> 01:00:49,100 What?! 808 01:00:50,700 --> 01:00:52,700 I don't speak Spanish 809 01:01:02,600 --> 01:01:04,800 Picture if you will... 810 01:01:05,100 --> 01:01:08,100 Look Jos�, you're an unusual kinda guy, what makes you happiest in life? 811 01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:10,400 - My BMW. - He has a BMW. 812 01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:15,300 Yeah, Big Mexican Woman 813 01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:16,900 On a stick! 814 01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:21,800 - Jos�, would you feel better in the box? - It's most nicer in the box 815 01:01:21,900 --> 01:01:25,500 Wow dude! I thought you were gonna drop him... 816 01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:28,100 That would have been funny as hell... 817 01:01:29,900 --> 01:01:32,800 - Do not drop me se�or - I won't drop you, Jos� 818 01:01:32,900 --> 01:01:35,900 I would be Jos� Jalape�o... on the floor 819 01:01:37,900 --> 01:01:40,100 Do a little tapdance and we got salsa! 820 01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:49,300 - That's terrible! - Not with the right kind of chips it's not 821 01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:51,600 - I'm sorry Jos�. - It's ok 822 01:01:51,700 --> 01:01:53,700 I kick his ass later 823 01:01:55,500 --> 01:01:58,100 - I'll turn your ass into guacamole. - Stop it! 824 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:00,500 I'll stir you with your own stick! 825 01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:04,400 This is the way we stir the guac... Stir the guac...Stir the guac... 826 01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:06,000 Ol�! 827 01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:09,700 - I'm sorry Jos�. - It's ok 828 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,600 Don't close the door 829 01:02:11,900 --> 01:02:14,200 - Why not? - The cockroaches 830 01:02:15,700 --> 01:02:17,400 You have cockroaches in there? 831 01:02:17,500 --> 01:02:19,000 One big one 832 01:02:19,100 --> 01:02:21,100 On a stick! 833 01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:22,900 - Se�or! - What? 834 01:02:23,000 --> 01:02:26,000 - I need to come back out - I have to go on with the show Jos�. You stay right there. 835 00:02:26,100 --> 01:02:27,000 - Se�or! - What? 836 01:02:27,100 --> 01:02:30,200 I need to come back OOUUT! 837 01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:32,500 You can't come back OOUUT! 838 01:02:34,300 --> 01:02:35,900 - I wish to see the se�oritas - What? 839 01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:37,700 - I want to see the girls - What girls? 840 01:02:37,800 --> 01:02:40,600 - Any girls - What makes you think they want to see you? 841 01:02:40,700 --> 01:02:42,500 Jos� has the stick 842 01:02:49,200 --> 01:02:51,200 Its getting kind of racey out here, isn't it? 843 01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:54,400 - Jos�, you just stay right there - I'm going to serenade the se�oritas 844 01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,400 - No you can't sing - I'm going to sing 845 01:02:55,500 --> 01:02:56,500 You can't sing 846 01:03:01,900 --> 01:03:04,100 I am Jos� Jalape�o 847 01:03:06,100 --> 01:03:07,600 You love jalape�os 848 01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:09,700 You love me, you do 849 01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:13,300 You love jalape�os I give my stick to you 850 01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:16,500 Thank you Jos�. 851 01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:36,500 It's a good trick se�or 852 01:03:37,600 --> 01:03:39,400 - Say goodnight Jos� - Goodnight Jos�! 853 01:03:39,501 --> 01:03:41,401 - And that's Jos� Jalape�o... - On a stick 854 01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:51,300 That's Jos� Jalape�o on a stick UUUU 855 01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:59,400 - What are you doing? - I'm speaking Japonese. 856 01:04:00,700 --> 01:04:04,200 - You don't know Japonese! - Yeah I do: Toyota. 857 01:04:05,700 --> 01:04:07,000 Godzilla. 858 01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:11,200 - That's not right - You're right. It'll be: Godzilla! 859 01:04:21,100 --> 01:04:22,400 Stop it! 860 01:04:22,500 --> 01:04:25,500 - What is wrong with you?! - Too much Starbucks. Coffee, coffee, coffee! 861 01:04:32,500 --> 01:04:35,900 - You didn't have coffee before the show - Ok, I admit... It was crack 862 01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:37,500 No. 863 01:04:38,200 --> 01:04:39,300 - You didn't do crack. - Well then you did 864 01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:40,700 - No. - Are you sure? 865 01:04:40,800 --> 01:04:43,700 Come on... It feels like one of us did... 866 01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:46,100 - Did you do crack before the show? - No. 867 01:04:46,200 --> 01:04:47,200 - During the show? - No. 868 01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:48,000 - After the show? - No. 869 01:04:48,100 --> 01:04:48,800 - When? - Never! 870 01:04:48,900 --> 01:04:50,800 - What?! - I've never done crack. 871 01:04:50,900 --> 01:04:51,900 - Are you sure? - Yes 872 01:04:52,000 --> 01:04:53,000 - Are you lying? - No. 873 01:04:53,100 --> 01:04:54,700 - See how angry you are? - Yeah 874 01:04:54,800 --> 01:04:57,300 It's the crack! 875 01:04:57,500 --> 01:05:01,500 - There isn't any crack! - Oh my God, he sold it all! 876 01:05:02,700 --> 01:05:04,900 Will you please explain to everyone, I don't abuse drugs 877 01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:06,300 Ok. 878 01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:10,000 - Come on, you gotta at least smoke weed? - No. 879 01:05:10,100 --> 01:05:11,600 - I don't smoke pot. - Ever? 880 01:05:11,700 --> 01:05:13,200 - No - Never smoked pot? 881 01:05:13,300 --> 01:05:14,900 - Never done drugs? - No. 882 01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:18,000 Then how the hell did you come up with me?! 883 01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:29,200 You're a sick man! 884 01:05:29,400 --> 01:05:31,100 - Will you just tell them! - Ok! 885 01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,600 - Jeff does not abuse drugs - Thank you 886 01:05:33,700 --> 01:05:35,700 He's an alcoholic 887 01:05:36,700 --> 01:05:39,200 That would be funny as hell, a drunk ventriloquist 888 01:05:40,700 --> 01:05:43,500 "Look, I can talk without moving my lips!" 889 01:05:52,900 --> 01:05:55,000 - You should get drunk and go to a strip joint - Why? 890 01:05:55,100 --> 01:05:59,400 You would be throwing your voice in places it should neeever come from 891 01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:05,600 Some girl comes dancing up to the table and everybody hears: 892 01:06:05,700 --> 01:06:07,900 "Let me out! 893 01:06:12,100 --> 01:06:14,000 It's dark in here! 894 01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:18,200 - No coins please!" - Oh stop it! 895 01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:20,000 - You don't think that's funny? - No. 896 01:06:20,100 --> 01:06:22,200 - You're gay. - No. 897 01:06:22,300 --> 01:06:25,000 Gay, gay, gay! You are gay! 898 01:06:25,500 --> 01:06:28,700 - I have a wife and 3 kids! - Oh! Good cover 899 01:06:30,300 --> 01:06:32,700 You know what the gay folks need that they don't have? 900 01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:35,100 - A superhero. - A gay superhero? 901 01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:36,700 Gayman! 902 01:06:37,200 --> 01:06:38,700 "Hi!" 903 01:06:40,500 --> 01:06:43,200 "Here I come to save the day!" 904 01:06:43,400 --> 01:06:45,800 "And I look fabulous!" 905 01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:48,900 And when he flies, his butt whistles... 906 01:07:00,800 --> 01:07:02,800 "Look it's Gayman!" 907 01:07:03,500 --> 01:07:06,500 - "Don't turn your back on him!" - Oh stop it! 908 01:07:07,200 --> 01:07:09,200 Unless you have the lotion... 909 01:07:10,300 --> 01:07:13,600 You guys, you've been a great audience! Thanks so much for coming tonight! 910 01:07:36,400 --> 01:07:39,500 - So Sweet Daddy, pretty good show huh? - Yeah dog, whatever 911 01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:43,400 - Let's count the till now - Ok, but who are your friends? 912 01:07:43,500 --> 01:07:45,200 My friends...yeah... 913 01:07:45,300 --> 01:07:47,900 This one here is the limo driver... 914 01:07:48,000 --> 01:07:49,900 And the other one is the... 915 01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:52,400 mechanic. In case the limo breaks down on the way home. 916 01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:55,500 Yeah, that's it!! You are so fine 917 01:07:58,900 --> 01:08:00,800 - Count the money dog! - Alright 918 01:08:00,900 --> 01:08:02,400 - Let me help you out here - Ok. 919 01:08:02,500 --> 01:08:04,500 One for you, one for me... 920 01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:09,500 And then one for my lady friend and then another one for my other lady right here. 921 01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:11,500 - Let's do it again now - Are you sure? 922 01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:13,100 This is all good, this is all good! 923 01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:17,200 One for you, one for me, another for my ladies momma... 924 01:08:17,301 --> 01:08:19,201 That's you at least potentially... 925 01:08:19,800 --> 01:08:22,100 And then two for my other lady friend right there 926 01:08:22,101 --> 01:08:24,701 Wait a minute, this is supposed to be coming out of your share 927 01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:26,700 That's what we're doing... We're all sharing 928 01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:29,700 It's all good, you're gonna be big! Trust me dog! 929 01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:31,600 One for you, Two for me... 930 01:08:31,700 --> 01:08:34,100 Three for my lady friend... Ah, this is all good! 931 01:08:34,200 --> 01:08:37,400 We're gonna have so much fun! We are gonna party... 932 01:08:37,500 --> 01:08:40,000 And then I'm gonna take my clothes off... 933 01:08:40,200 --> 01:08:42,200 And then we're gonna do some more... 75728

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