All language subtitles for The.Disappearance.Of.Toby.Blackwood.2022.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[bird screeches]

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You're trying to tell me
that these aren't chemtrails?

Wake up, you fucking lemmings!
The whole sky is chemtrails.

[intense rock music playing]

"Take Charge with Toby."

[percussive music playing]

It's okay, man.

Plenty of people
in the same boat, same sad boat.

Just a boat
with a bunch of leaks,

drunk captain, children crying.

That's fine.

Today, it could be better.

It's probably
not gonna be a great day,

but you're gonna do your best.

You're gonna flap
those shitty wings
of yours and fly.

-[smoke alarm beeping]
-Oh, God!

[percussive music playing]

Oh, come on.

Did she take the syrup?

I just can't imagine
going through something
like this during quarantine.

At least they're not still
together; what if he was
trapped in that apartment

-with her through all this?
-[man 1] God, that would've
been a nightmare.

Divorce could be the best thing
that ever happened to him.

I don't know,
he doesn't really handle
being alone very well.

Yeah, remember that time
they were separated
and he started painting

those weird self-portraits?

Oh, God, those things
were creepy.

-It's not creepy.
-Well, he's gonna have
to get his shit together.

We're not going anywhere
for a while.

I don't
think he's gonna make it.

Don't say that about
our fragile birthday boy.

-He's gonna make it.
-Oh, I'm an idiot.

-Oh, look, there he is.
-Hey, happy birthday,
birthday boy.

-[all] Happy birthday.
-Oh, birthday boy!

Good God, Wes,
your hair looks awful.

What? I'm just letting it fly,
let it all hang loose.

It kind of makes me feel like
one of the Golden Girls.

What did you do
to the side of your head?

Oh, I...
I cut it myself. I faded it.
Look at that fade.

That's not a fade.
I don't know what you've
done to your head.

All right.

So I'm not gonna make it, huh?

-I didn't say that.
-Come on, man.

Look, we all know
that you're gonna be fine.

Hey, look, you're already
off to a great start.

You're eating waffles for lunch.

-What a sad bachelor lunch.
-How are you holding up, buddy?

[sighs] You know,
I'm doing all right.

Courtney took Iggy Pup,
but she left the bowl I got him,

so that was
a cute little reminder.

I don't have the heart
to throw it away, so now I just
stare at it all day.

So, yeah, things are great.

Oh, Wes.

Eh, it's fine.
How are you guys doing?

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I read Bette Midler's biography
over the weekend.

Well, hey, hey,
speaking of crazy, Wes,

thank you for turning me on
to your friend Toby.

It is the best
free entertainment.

That guy is out
of his fucking mind.

[sighs] What did he do now?

Right now he's telling
his audience

to buy urine
filtration systems

so they can drink
their own piss,

because apparently there's gonna
be some big water shortage.

Yep. Honestly, it's pretty
convincing stuff.

I... I Googled
urine filtration systems.

-Jesus Christ.
-Who the fuck are you
talking about?

My old friend, Toby.

We were good buddies
in middle school

back when I lived in Arizona,
and now he's got

this crazy doomsday prepper
survivalist YouTube page.

He's completely lost his mind.

How are you a survivalist
and also named Toby?

No clue, but he's got, like,
130,000 YouTube subscribers

and, like, 200,000
Twitter followers.

He's... he's pretty popular.

Hmm. That's good someone
like this has power.
Our country's fucked.

Yeah, well, I don't know if
that kind of fame is worth it.

Some of his fans are
saying he's gone missing,

and I wouldn't be shocked if
one of them was responsible.

-Wait, what?
-Yeah, apparently he didn't
post an episode this week

and he never misses an episode.

So all these people are coming
up with all these reasons

-for why he missed it.
-[message chimes]

And the consensus seems to be

that he went missing.
He disappeared.

Why are you friends
with this guy?

-Wes?
-What?

-Birthday boy?
-I'm sorry, guys.

Courtney won't leave me alone.

I actually might have
to hop off here soon.

Social distance her, Wes.

-Way more than six feet.
-What's going on?

She just lawyered up
and now she's trying
to take everything.

I cannot believe
she is texting you

on your shitty
quarantine birthday.

And yet she is.

Sorry, guys. Thanks for
doing this, but I gotta run.

-Bye, stupid.
-Reach out if you need
anything.

Don't go missing too.

All right, bye.

[percussive music playing]

[messages chirping]

[touch tones clicking]

[message chirps]

-[sighs]
-[phone thuds]

When you are bitten
by a rattlesnake,
do not panic.

All you have to do is
cut off all your hair

because the venom flows
right through it.

See? I can already feel
the venom leaving my body.
Goodbye, poison.

[chuckles]
What happened to you, man?

[Toby] Mm. That's some pretty
fresh bear shit right there.

-[crickets chirping]
-Now, you know what that means.

There must be
some armadillos afoot.

Now typically, armadillos
eat on small vertebrates,
plants and fruits,

but in a pinch, they will dine
on some bear feces.

And here's a little
Toby tip for you.

Armadillos make for some good
eating due to their lean meat.

You can make
a casserole out of it

and feed off of it
for a good six weeks.

And that's a Toby promise.

Me personally, I never
know who's out to get me.

That leads me to a good point:

-always assume
everyone's out to get you.
-[message chirps]

-It's a safe way to live.
-[message chirps]

That's why I'm always
working on my perimeter.

-[music continues]
-See that?

Immobilized.

[message chirps]

-[message chirps]
-And that's how you get away
from a rattlesnake.

-[message chirps]
-[groaning] And that is how
you successfully remove

-the microchips from your eyes.
-[message chirps]

-You can't fool me, Uncle Sam.
-[message chirps]

I once was blind,
but now I smell the fluoride.

[keyboard clacking]

[keyboard clacking]

[phone buzzing]

Shit.
Man, you're calling late.

Dude, I've been doing
a deep dive in your boy Toby.

-Oh, man, I have too.
-How great is it that
he went missing?

We finally have something
to do now.

I mean, I wouldn't say it's
great that he went missing.

I'm just saying that
I wouldn't give a damn
if it weren't for quarantine.

I'm so bored that I've
completed TV and porn,
like, all of it,

even the weird shit.

-[chuckles]
-Dude. The theories

from his
crazy-ass followers

about where he might be
are nuts.

-Yeah, I was
reading some of those.
-They're all over the place.

Some are saying that he's
going after the government.

Others are saying that the
government is going after him.

And they are serious
about this shit.

Some guy said...

"Randy Quaid's got him
in his basement."

-What do you think
happened to him?
-I have no idea.

I just sent him
a message on Facebook.

I was thinking of calling him,
but I don't know.

It might be a little weird
after all this time.

-Dude, you have to call him.
-What am I supposed to say?

"Hey, man, I know
it's been 20 years,

but, uh, I heard that you
might've gone missing

from a bunch
of crazy people online."

Yes, yes, that's
exactly what you say.
You say exactly that.

We get on a three-way call,
and I'll just stay quiet.
I have to hear this.

-I don't know, man.
-Come on, man.

Let's solve this mystery.

Or you could just go back
to staring

at that sad dog bowl all day.

-That's messed up.
-This will be good for you.

It'll help you
get over that demon.

[sighs] All right, fine.

[Toby's voice]
Toby here. Can't receive your
transmission at the moment.

-Do you copy?
-[voicemail beeps]

-Damn.
-Yes, straight to voicemail!

The mystery continues.

Yeah, or he could just be
asleep like a normal person.

Or he could be dead
for all we know.

He's been missing for 48 hours.

-Oh, shit, it's been that long?
-Yeah, dude.

So do you wanna go down
this rabbit hole with me
or what?

I don't know, man.
I got--I got a lot of shit
going on with my divorce.

Exactly.
Why deal with your emotions
when you can go on a manhunt?

[sighs]
Yeah, I guess you're right.

All right, so how the hell
are we supposed to solve
a missing person's case

when we can't even leave
our apartments?

I thought you'd never ask.

So I combed through
all of his comments

and it looks like the last
person he was in contact with

was this guy who sold him
a urine filtration system.

So I think that we get
ahold of this urine guy

and then we go from there.
But that's where we start.

We start with urine guy.

Sure, that seems like
a perfectly logical first step.

So, um... how the hell
do we get ahold of this guy?

Oh, I already have all
of his info. I was messaging
with him earlier.

Of course you were.
So should we just call him
in the morning or something?

No, fuck that.

We're gonna FaceTime him
tonight.

Uh, I don't know.
It's kind of late
to be calling anyone.

A little late to be
calling a guy who filters
his own urine?

These are probably
his prime operating hours.

Good point.
Is it possible
to do a three-way FaceTime call?

Oh, my God, you're such
a boomer sometimes.

Of course it's possible
to do a three-way FaceTime call.

I--Come on,
how do you not know that? I--

Yes, I'll just take care of that
and then you just sit tight.

I'll get urine guy
on the FaceTime.

[phone ringing]

God damn it, what am I doing
with my life?

No wonder Courtney left me.

Oh, hey there. Hey, man.

Um, hi, this is Luke.

I was the guy messaging
with you earlier.

I'm on here with my buddy, Wes.

-[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Hey, man, thanks
for talking to us.

Hey, my pleasure, guys.
How's it going?

So if you guys are
in--in the market for a...

a little--a little
urine filtration system?

I'm--I'm... I'm the guy,
I'm the urine guy.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, we're good on that.

-What--Are you sure?
-Yeah, pretty sure.

Because, you know, your urine

is like
the greatest compound ever.

You know, like,
it's--it's clean, sterile,

and it's--it's, um, natural
and it's--it's bacteria free.

It's virus free, fungus free.

That's all of them.
And my filtration systems
are the best systems.

They're even better
than the ones that they have
at NASA.

Actually, you know,
NASA stole my patent.

Oh, sorry to hear about that.

[stammers] No, it's no...
I'm over it now.

I mean, what are you gonna do?
It's fucking NASA, man. NASA.

But anyway, uh, we're actually
looking for our missing friend.

His name is Toby Blackwood.

[exhaling deeply]
I mean, lookit, man,
he's a really great guy.

He's one of my biggest
supporters, okay? this is what
I remember about it, he's...

um... He bought five
urine filtration systems,

and he said he was gonna
give them to the needy

who needed clean,

uh, drinking urine
for the holidays.

So, I mean,
he's a really generous guy.

That's probably
worth something, right?

No. What about
anything strange in regard
to his actual disappearance?

You know, I mean,
he talked a little bit
about mind control,

but that's kind of
par for the course
with my clients.

[sighs]

[whispers] Come on, Larry.
Larry, think about it.

Think about it.

[groaning]

I can't...

[sighs] I can't think
of anything, guys.

I really wish I could
help you guys out.

Oh. No, thanks. It's fine.

Do you have
any need--urine needs,
urine filtration needs?

Lookit, we're doing
a flash sale over here--

-Yeah...
-[button clicks]

Enough of that. [sighs]

[touch tones click]

-[phone buzzing]
-Yo?

Holy shit, that was even
weirder than I expected.

Hey, this was your idea, buddy.

If he's actually missing,
shouldn't we just call the cops?

Thought about that,
but some of his videos
are him with all his guns.

Like, the most guns.

Like--
and that fuckin' flamethrower.

There is no way
those things are all legal,

and that's just the shit
he's showing us.

Oh, Jesus, you're right.

Yeah.

Well, listen,
he's got 132,467 subscribers.

So let's just divvy it up
and start at the top, yeah?

Sure, 132,000 insane people.
No problem.

-Yeah.
-[sighs] All right, man.

Uh, I--I gotta get some sleep.

The urine guy
kind of took a lot out of me.

All right, buddy,
you get some rest.

I'll just be here thinking
about that fucking lunatic

and what he might be doing.

[crickets chirping]

[Wes exhaling rhythmically]

[rock music in background]

I could do this till
the end of time. [groans]

Fuck.

[groaning]

-[message chimes]
-[panting]

Oh, thank God.

[percussive music playing]

Oh, for fuck's sake, Luke,
what are you getting us into?

[phone ringing]

[phone chimes]

-Hello?
-Hey, Randy.

Thanks for, uh, agreeing
to FaceTime with me.

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

I was just messaging
with BigfootMamma42.

You'd be amazed
how many babes you can meet
in the comment section

at Toby's YouTube page.
[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, no,
I'm sure there are lots
of single people on there.

So I gotta ask you,
is Midnight your real last name?

In seven states it is.

-[sobs]
-Wow.

That is truly the saddest
thing I've ever heard, Janice.

Uh, my friend, Wes,

he just got out of
a rocky marriage himself.

He's the one I'm
conducting this mission with.

What mission?

[music continues]

We're looking
for our friend, Toby.

That's--
That's why I called you,
you remember?

Toby goes
on lots of missions.
You guys should team up.

Yeah, well, yeah--Well, yeah,
we would love to do that,

but we need to find him first
in order to do that.

You should find him.
He'd be perfect
for your mission.

-So you think Toby was abducted?
-I do, yes. That is correct.

-Well, who did it?
-Toby did.

So Toby staged
his own kidnapping?

No, no, Toby kidnapped Toby.

Titanic was an inside job.
[chuckles]

Like, everybody knows that

Benjamin Guggenheim
and Isa Straus

and John Jacob Blackwood,
who were on the boat,

are also, you know--

they were also against
the US Federal Reserve.

Scores of people
remember very clearly

Nelson Mandela dying
in prison in the 1980s.

And there is--there are
lots and lots of these
misrememberances that occur.

You know, like, for instance,

-I--I myself remember
a fifth Beatle called Trevor.
-Trevor?

-The chemtrails, bro.
-Right, why would
they be doing this?

There's a million reasons,
my man.

Mind manipulation,

population control,

and so that they can
create a meat shortage.

-Meat shortages?
-Bro, please don't even
get me started, okay?

My blood pressure's running
a little high today.

My mother just moved in...

and a damn Romanian, Maureen,
who the fuck knows who she is.

-Are you wearing a wire?
Are you wearing a wire?
-What?

No, why would I be
wearing a wire?

Pull up your shirt or I'm not
gonna tell you where Toby is.

These false remembrances
are actually echoes

of events that occurred
in an alternate reality.

[stammers]
Donald Newnan was killed

because he was about
to, yet again, yet again,

prove the flat Earth theory.

Toby went to find his body,

retrieve his body

before the government
could get to it first.

Because once they get to it,
then... [chuckles]

Look, everything that's going
on around here is a distraction.

So then Anthony Lavender,
convenient,

he gets hired by the Illuminati
to sink the Titanic.

So Toby, naturally,

wants to avenge
the death of the--
of his great-grandfather

by killing the great-grandson
of Anthony Lavender.

[Randy] All the way up.
All the way up, nips to navel.

A little higher.

Good. Good.
Now give me a little twirl.

Yeah.

[camera shutter clicks]

Did you just take a picture?

Huh, what?
No, that's my, uh, ringtone.

Of all this fucking
mind manipulation shit
that's going on,

I can't even trust
what I'm saying, man.

I can't even trust what
I'm saying to you right now

because I don't know
if I'm saying it

or if the fucking
government's saying it.

You don't think
that the lizard people are
behind the shadow government,

is that what's next?

Not only
is global warming a hoax,

it goes one step further.

Weather is a hoax.

You might wanna start
with the tunnels, okay?

The Thule Society,
the Hollow Earth,

monoatomic gold,
they're mining it right now.

It's the Reptilians.
It's always been the Reptilians,

Anunnakee, Anunnaki, whatever.

Space Reptiles,
they manipulate the moon
to control our thoughts.

They control everything.

Look into Tom Hanks,
Pat Sajak.

Adrenochrome, harvested
from children for many years.

Their adrenal glands
pump out their life blood

and lets them be immortal.

"Highlander,
there can be only one."

You have to put
the pieces together.

[blowing]

Who's Toby?

Toby has entered
this alternate dimension

with the sole intention
of kidnapping his other self

and then using his counterpart
as a resource

or even a means of remedying
the disastrous 2020
that we're having here.

'Cause I've had shit
implanted into my DNA also.

[grunting]

You find Dean Koontz,
you find Toby Blackwood.

Well, you might not
wanna hear this,

but the real Anderson Cooper
is after him

'cause he got his hands
on the Da Vinci Codes.

And how did you arrive
at this conclusion?

-Just do the research.
-You just gotta do the research.

-You just gotta do the research.
-Have you ever been
to Kansas City?

-Uh, yeah.
-Well, there you go.

-What does that mean?
-What doesn't it mean?

Anyway, I think I've
probably given you enough

of a steer
in the right direction.

I shall leave you now.

-Uh, you take care, all right?
-No, you take care.

Okay, we can both take care.
Bye.

Don't go.

-Good news, mystery solved.
-What, already?

Yep, Dean Koontz
apparently saw this coming

and he's the mastermind
behind it all.

International bestseller
Dean Koontz?

No, I'm being facetious.
We're fucked.

Yeah, some guy told me
that Toby went to find

the body of a flat earther.

And a Randy Midnight told me
that the Chechens have him,

so I definitely feel
like I've been concussed.

Jesus.

What about the girlfriend,
anything?

-I left a voicemail.
-Oh.

-[phone ringing]
-So, uh, what do we do next?

-Fuck.
-What?

Mike's texting me.
He's wondering where we are.

I'm sick of these
Zoom happy-hour things.

Yeah, I'm kind of getting
into this "Hardy Boys" shit,
even though my brain hurts.

-[ball bouncing]
-What are you doing?

[muffled] Uh, nothing.
I'll, uh... [normal voice]
I'll talk--I'll see you later.

What I don't understand is
why you haven't reached out
to the cops yet.

Because Toby is basically
like a one-man militia.

He has a flamethrower,
for God's sake.

Ooh, I'd like a flamethrower.

That would keep people
six feet away.

This might be
a odd question, but...

have you reached out
to any of his family members?

Well, we didn't do that yet
because we didn't want
to alarm his mother

since it hasn't been confirmed
that he's actually
gone missing yet.

[distant dog barking]

But... now it'd probably be
a good time to alarm her.

Yeah, I guess they could
probably provide

a little more insight than
a man named Randy Midnight.

Wes, do you think we
should contact his mother?

I mean, yeah,
it's probably a good idea.
What do you guys think?

Yeah, I would say
reaching out to family members

versus random insane people
on the internet

is probably a good idea.

But I--I'm not a detective,
not like you guys, so...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
we actually have
some really solid leads.

Yeah, like his mother,
which we just gave to you.

Exactly, we know how to get
that information out of you.

[line ringing]

If Toby's crazy, then what's
his mom gonna be like?

She's fine, shut up.
I shouldn't let you
be on this call.

-I'm just saying the apple
doesn't fall far, is all.
-[Toby's mother] Hello?

[Wes]
Hi, is this Mrs. Blackwood?

-[Toby's mother] Speaking.
-I'm not sure
if you remember me.

This is, uh, Wes Crowley.
I used to hang around
with Toby back in middle school.

[Toby's mother]
Oh, yes, the albino boy.

Uh, I am quite pale,
but I think you might be
thinking of somebody else.

Toby and I used
to skateboard together.

[Toby's mother]
Oh, I'm sorry, dear,
I only remember the albino boy.

Well, he was
a real firecracker.

Well, that's... that's okay.

Um, I just wanna ask
a few questions
if that's all right with you?

[Toby's mother]
Well, if this is about

the heartworm medicine
for Clementine,

Susan down at the vet
is already on top of it.

Poor Susan, they really
overwork her down there.

That's why I try
to bring her a nice meal
every now and then.

You know, I brought her
some dumplings
from The Great Wall

and she seemed
to really like that,

-but I'll let you in
on a little secret...
-[cat meows]

...the dumplings aren't even
the best thing on the menu.

For Christ's sakes, nobody's
looking for an albino boy,

nor do we care about Susan's
fixation with dumplings!

We're just looking
for your missing son!

Damn it, Luke, I told you
not to say anything.

I'm sorry, I just
couldn't handle it anymore.

I--I'm sorry, Mrs. Blackwood,
don't mind him.

Um... what I was trying
to ask you is, um,

well, we're just a little
concerned about Toby

and, uh, we're wondering
if you might know where he is.

[Toby's mother]
Oh, I--I never know with him.

He's always out playing
in the woods,

so he's got
a wild imagination.

You can say that again.

When was the last time
you saw Toby?

[Toby's mother]
Well, I believe it was
the day I crashed

my station wagon
into the post office.

You--You did what?

And, uh, what was
that conversation like?

[Toby's mother]
Well, the people
at the post office

did not appreciate that
one bit.

We don't give a shit
about the post office!

Aren't you concerned
about your son?

[Toby's mother] No!
He doesn't work there.

Okay, I'm done.

Thank you for all your help,
Mrs. Blackwood.

Um, if we have any other
questions, we'll--we'll be sure
to reach out again.

Um, you take care, okay?

Wow. [phone clatters]

[computer ringing]

-[computer chimes]
-[Wes] Yo.

Sorry, man, I couldn't handle
any more of that nonsense.

Doesn't he have
any normal relatives?

I messaged his sister
on Facebook and told her
to give me a call.

-[Luke] Anyone else?
-Well, he had these cousins
that were always around.

-What's their name?
-The Balducci brothers.

-Vinny and, uh, Paul.
-[keyboard clacking]

I think I got their numbers.

How the hell did you
do that so fast?

Dude, all of our stuff
is out there.

-It's messed up.
-That's not good.

All right,
so since they know you,

you should send them
a text saying

that you wanna jump
onto a FaceTime,
and then go from there.

Why the fuck would they
wanna hop on a FaceTime
with me right now?

Because their cousin is missing
and they haven't spoken
to you for years.

-Here, I'm texting you
their numbers right now.
-[sighs] Fine.

Please, God, don't let
these cousins be fucking idiots

like every single
other person we've talked to.

We don't hear from you
in 20 years and this
is how you come to us,

asking about
our missing cousin?!

We used to be friends,
Wes, you fuck!

You got some
fucking nerve, Wes,

accusing us
of killing our own cousin!

We didn't even know
he was missing!

Whoa, guys, I don't know
what's going on here.
I never said anyone killed him.

Just because our family
business ended in bloodshed,

that don't mean that me
and Vinny are tied to it.

We haven't even talked to him
since the incident.

Wait, what are you guys
talking about? What incident?

Ah, here we go,
"What incident?"

Like you don't remember,
you don't know?

What happened? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, man.
Our father killed Toby's father.

-Wait, what?
-Toby's father was married
to our father's sister.

They helped run Balducci's,
that Italian restaurant
that our grandfather built.

Best Italian food
in all of Kunkle.

Yeah, I remember. We used
to go there all the time.

Yeah, that's right,
everybody loved it.

Beautiful family restaurant.

We even used to sing there,
for Christ's sakes.

-Oh, I--I didn't know that.
-No, you wouldn't
know that, Wes.

We didn't go
fucking announcing it
on the loudspeaker.

Plus, it was during
the Early Bird special.

And even though Toby's dad's
last name was Blackwood,

our father was gracious enough
to still give the guy a job
in the kitchen.

But his father
was such a fucking degenerate,
he owed money all over town.

So when he didn't have money
for his bookie,

the bookie showed up
at the restaurant

and he made one of the worst
mistakes humanly imaginable.

He gave away the family
fucking secret recipe

to our veal scallopini.

That motherfucker.

Oh, wow, so that's a no-no?

A no-no? Are you
fucking kidding me?!
A no-no, Wes?!

Our father shot him
right in the fucking face.

Yeah, I would say that's
a pretty big fucking no-no, no?

Oh, shit.

Ironically though,
the degenerate

was on his lunch break eating
a fucking veal scallopini.

[Luke laughs]

Yeah, we were right
in the middle of our
rendition of "Oh, Marie."

To this day, Wes,
me and my brother,

we still can't listen
to Louis Prima.

We were just kid crooners
at the time with our whole
lives ahead of us

until that piece of shit
took it away.

We have never spoken
to Toby or anybody

on that side of the family
since Daddy got sent away.

Again, guys,
I--I didn't know any of that.

I--I was just wondering
if you've seen him around
or something.

Nah, Wes, we haven't seen him
since March 7th of '99.

I--I'm so sorry
this happened to you guys.
I had--I had no idea.

Yeah.
Yeah, well, we're all sorry.

Look, man, Wes,
even though we haven't
talked to him in a long time,

I guess Paul and I...

don't really wanna see anything
bad happen to him, you know?

Well, if I hear anything,
I'll be sure to let
you guys know.

Take care of yourself,
all right?

Take a bath,
you're starting to look
like a real fucking lowlife.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I will.

-I'll talk to you later.
-Bye.

-[button clicks]
-[mellow music playing]

[inhales] I can't imagine
either of those guys
joyously singing,

but I think we found
our first two suspects.

I don't know, man.
I don't think these guys

have the ability
to hide their emotions
if they did it.

Well, they definitely
have more motive than any
of the morons we've talked to.

Dude,
these guys aren't murderers.

Oh, yeah, they seemed real calm.

Just a couple of calm guys.

[sighs] Paul and Vinny,
now on my suspect wall.

God, I've always wanted
to build one of these.

It always seems
to help them in the movies.

Oh, totally.
Plus, they look really cool.

All right, so who's
this Oscar guy you sent
over earlier today?

Ah, he's, uh,
his nearest neighbor,

which wasn't easy
to find, by the way.

But, uh, I figured
he could pop over there
and see if anything was fishy.

Oh, this should go great,
sending a stranger

over to a gun-toting
missing neighbor's house
to see if he's still alive.

Well, theoretically,
this is the most straightforward
thing we've done so far.

The only straightforward thing
so far is that nothing has
gone straightforward so far.

Which is why I told Oscar
that we were both journalists
for the East Valley Examiner

and thought maybe we
could get onto a Zoom call

to discuss the disappearance
of Toby Blackwood.

-Why do we need to lie
to this guy?
-Because he's a priest.

We need to seem
as credible as possible.

-Are you ready
to do this or what?
-Oh, yeah, sure.

Let's, uh, lie to a priest
and tell him we're journalists.

Maybe, uh, ditch the bathrobe
and put on some pants?

[man] So...
no more meth-fueled
orgies for me.

And that's when I decided
to join the priesthood.

-Wait, you no longer
live near Toby?
-Nope, I don't.

My mother does.
I live in the clergy house
full-time.

Got it. So when was
the last time you saw Toby?

Well...
[sighs] Let's see.

Uh...

It was probably
a couple Sundays ago

when I brought
my mom a care package
after Sunday mass, yeah.

He asked if I wanted to do
some target practice
for one of his videos.

He said it'd get
some YouTube hits.

Although I was a little
worried about the optics.

Did you notice anything weird?

You mean besides the fact
that he was wearing face paint,

firing a semi-automatic weapon
at rubber alien dolls

while blasting Pat Benatar?

Uh, yeah.

No.

Well, would you be willing

to perhaps swing by Toby's house

to see if anything's
out of the ordinary?

Uh... "ordinary," obviously,
being a loose term here.

Ah, wha...

I was gonna go
to my mom's later, so,

yeah, I guess I can.

Thank you, Father.
Thank you very much.

And you have my phone number,
so if you could FaceTime us

when you get to the house,
that would be really great.

Just so we could
get the full scoop.

For our story.

-I guess I could do that...
-[phone buzzing]

...even though it seems unsafe

for a number of reasons.

-It's fine.
-[buzzing continues]

Uh, great. Thank you, Father.
We'll--we'll talk soon.

God be with you, Father.

-Dude, Toby's girlfriend's
calling me.
-Answer it.

-Hello?
-[woman] Oh, hey.

Uh, are you
the guy who called?

Uh, yeah, I'm Wes Crowley.

Uh, I'm an old friend of Toby's.

Just a little worried
about, uh, where he might be,

and, uh, I heard
you were dating him, so...

So, sorry,
how do you know him?

We were good buddies
in middle school, actually.

He's never
mentioned you before.

Uh, yeah, I moved, so Toby
and I kind of trailed off,

which was too bad.

Sorry to be so skeptical,

it's just Toby's
got a lot of crazy fans

and I just had to make sure
you weren't a stalker.

[chuckles] Yeah, you don't have
to worry about that, trust me.

Um, so have you talked to Toby
since the disappearance?

[exhales] Toby didn't disappear.

It's just those YouTube trolls
starting rumors.

-What do you mean?
-Toby is on his way
to Seattle, Washington.

Why's he going to Seattle?

To get Bill Gates.

-[percussive music playing]
-Ah, um...

Sorry, I don't follow.

Well... okay,

it's pretty common knowledge
that Bill Gates

started this pandemic
to profit from a vaccine

that'll contain a microchip

that'll track our every single
move and our personal data,

which he will then sell
to the highest bidder.

So Toby is going
to find Bill Gates

and force him
to set the record straight
on his YouTube page.

Oh, wow, um,
a-and you know this for a fact?

Yeah. He left a few days ago,
so he should be there by now.

Have you talked to him
since he left?

No, he didn't wanna
make any phone calls
and leave a trail.

He was very adamant
about staying off the grid.

I mean, you know Toby.

So you're absolutely
sure he's going there?

Yep, I'm totally sure.

And he's got everything
under control, as always.

[sighs] You got nothing
to worry about, though,

but I'm just...
I'm just so proud of him.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Me too, that's, uh,
that's pretty neat.

Um, well, can you let me know
if you hear from him?

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Uh, well, you take care now.

Okay. You too.
Don't get vaccinated.

Oh, uh... no, I won't.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-Dude, this makes no sense.
-You're right, but I--I don't
think it has to make sense.

If we're gonna figure this out,
we have to start thinking
like Toby.

And this is his girlfriend,
probably the closest
person to him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Outside of that
whole Bill Gates thing,

she does have more credibility
than any of the yahoos
we've come across so far.

It definitely sounds like
something that Toby
could get behind.

Yeah. So we're really
gonna follow up on this?

Well, aside from
your crooner brothers theory,

it's our biggest and only lead.
And if he is gonna do this,

we can't let him kidnap
Bill Gates.

He'd go straight
to fucking jail.

God, I wanted it to be
those crooner brothers so bad.

[laughs]

Not a suspect,
but a person of interest.

By the way, how the fuck
are we supposed to follow up
with this poor Bill Gates guy?

What if we hired, like,
a Seattle area private eye
or something?

Yeah, I mean,
what other option do we have?

We can't leave our homes,

and we sure as fuck
aren't gonna fly or drive up

to the beautiful
Pacific Northwest.

I love it up there,
by the way.

All right,
maybe you can get on that

and I'll call
all the Seattle area jails

and hospitals,
see if he's there.

All right,
and I'll tell Father Delgado

-not to go
to that house anymore.
-Whoa, what do you mean?

What if Toby wrote down
an address for Bill Gates

or mapped out his route
or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
there's not much

for us to go off of
up in Seattle.

But how are we gonna get
Father Delgado to go
in the house?

He's a priest,
and I think it's a rule

that they have to do
what we say, or something.

Yeah, yeah,
I do think that's a rule.
I've heard that, priests, yeah.

Oh, man, I've never hired
a private investigator before.
This is kind of exciting.

-Just let me know what I owe
and I'll Venmo you.
-No problem, man. I will.

Actually, um, just one question.
What are you wearing?

You told me
to dress like a journalist.

You know, we're supposed
to be writing the newspaper,

not delivering it on a bicycle
in the roaring '20s, right?

I'm professional right now,
and I did as you said, okay?

I look like a journalist,
not a newspaper boy.

This is ridiculous.

Bye.

[mellow music playing]

Being waterboarded
is no walk in the park,

but never give up
any information to anyone.

"Did you infiltrate
the motherboard?!"

Like I'd tell you, Jack.

[groaning]

Who the fuck is Jack?

[Toby struggling, splashing]

My lips are sealed
and so is the data.

[dog whines]

In today's video,
I'm gonna show you how to
collect water from vegetation.

Now, I know it sounds tough,
but it's actually
a pretty simple process.

First, find yourself
a healthy plant.

Take a look around,
they're everywhere.

Oh, hey there, Wes.

I thought we could catch up
over a nice warm cup
of my magic potion.

It's nice and frothy,
just how you like it.

I never said that.

How are you, man?

Oh, I'm fine,
just missing is all.

Now, stop drinking piss,
get out of your fucking bed,

and come and find me,
motherfucker!

-I'm trying my best.
-Your best isn't good enough!

No wonder your wife left you,
you piece of shit!
[audio glitches]

You never finish what you start!

But I've only just begun.

We're actually making
a lot of prog--

[groans]

[gasps, sighs]

Ahh... Oh, what the...

Ahh, what the fuck?

[sighs]

[crunching popcorn]

-[inhales, exhales]
-[distant dogs barking]

-[distant traffic passing]
-[smacks lips] Ah.

[firetruck horns blaring,
sirens wailing]

[helicopters whirring]

[horns and sirens continue]

[phone chimes]

-[sighs]
-[sirens fading]

[whispers]
Okay, guys, I'm here.

Nothing out
of the ordinary so far.

Well, can you at least
take a look,

maybe walk up there,
have a peek inside?

Yeah, knock on the door
just in case, see if--
see if anyone's home?

[Delgado] Are you crazy?

I've seen his arsenal.

Come on, Father,
he's gone missing.

-Do you really wanna have
that on your conscience?
-[sighs]

I tell you...
I--I don't know about this.

Please, Father,
we--we really need this.

[sighs]

[Wes] Whoa, whoa,
hey, Father, look.

I'm--I'm all for wearing masks,

but you--
you kind of look like you're,
uh, dressed for a home invasion.

Good point.

Okay.

[sighs]

[percussive music playing]

[Delgado] Oh, dear God.

You're doing great, Father.
The Lord is with you.

[whispering]
Did you see those signs?

Yes, I did.

I was just...
I was just making sure.

Just...

[exhaling loudly]

[whispers]
I don't think anybody's home.

I saw this on TV once.
Father, take your shirt off,

wrap it around your fist,
then you can punch
through the glass

without it slicing your hand,
probably.

-I'm pretty sure.
-I would rather not.

Come on, just do it.
It--It'll get us in there.

Well, maybe just give
the doorknob a little jiggle.
See if it's unlocked.

Did you guys forget about
the signs I just passed by?

[sighs]

All right. [clicks tongue]

Look, Father, we're just
gonna level with you.

We're almost 100% certain
that Toby drove up to Seattle
to kidnap Bill Gates,

so we need you
to break into that house

to see if Bill's address
is in there.

[house alarm blaring]

I'm sorry... guys, I...

[whispers]
I don't think I can do this.

Father, you get back there.
What are you--What are you
doing? We're so close.

-[blaring continues]
-I wish I could be
of more help.

-We do too.
-[alarm continues]

[panting]

I have faith that the Lord

will guide the rest
of your story.

And if He doesn't, please,
don't reach out again.

Poor guy. I feel kind of bad
we put him through that.

Are we gonna have to,
like, go to confession
or something now?

Put him through what,
knocking on a door?

Are you boozing already?

Yeah. You're not?
You should be too.

Well, I--I am an adult.
How'd it go with the PI?

We've been emailing all morning
and he's really eager
to get on a call

and loves the assignment.
He just wants to get
a few more details from us,

but I think he's gonna
be really good.

-[line rings]
-[dog grumbles]

Hey, Mr. Muldoon,
this is my buddy, Wes,
that I was telling you about.

Oh, hey, Mr. Muldoon.

Oh, hey.
Please, call me Gilbert.

Thanks for helping us out, man.

-[parrot] Peekaboo.
-Peekaboooooo.

-[dog whines]
-Sorry about that.
I had to write down

-some important information
for an important...
-[parrot] Peekaboo.

...high-end client.
Peekaboo.

-[parrot] Peekaboo.
-Very big case.

So how'd you get into
the private-eye business?

-My mother recognized
my passion for it as a child...
-Peekaboo.

...with the influence
Cagney and Laceyheld over me.

She used it to her advantage
by giving me a Super Nintendo

in exchange
for tailing my father,

who she suspected of
cheating on her at the time
with a local ice cream vendor.

[Wes] Oh, wow, so you've been
at this for a while, huh?

-No, no, I gave it
a 23-year break...
-Peekaboo.

...until I once again
caught the calling.

Uh-huh, and when was that?

A couple of years ago
when I lost my position
as a barista.

Oddly enough, it provided me
with the perfect training
for the job.

You can tell a lot
about a person just by writing
their name on a cup.

Wow, I can see how
that's a natural transition.

So have you heard from
your contact about our case yet?

-That's an affirmative.
-So does that mean
what I think it means?

That is correct.

I have been able
to ascertain the address

of one
William Henry Gates III.

-[mysterious music playing]
-[dog whimpers]

-And have you gone over there?
-That's a negative.

I'm still working on my alias
for my excursion up there.

I'm thinking of going
with Harold Honeycut.

Would you guys be
comfortable with that?

What? We just need you
to go over there

and see if there are
any signs of our friend Toby.

One thing I've learned
in this biz,

that you always wanna
have an alias.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, okay, great, yeah,

Harold Honeycut is fine.
Now, will you please
go over there?

"Faithless is he that says
farewell when the road darkens."

I don't... I don't know
what that means.

-It's Tolkien.
-Okay, look, man,

are you gonna go find
our friend Toby or not?

No.

-But Harold Honeycut is.
-[parrot] Peekaboo.

[button clicks]

-Go poop.
-[phone buzzes]

Where the hell
did you find that guy?

Don't you worry
about that, okay?

I know the guy might sound
a little "out there,"

but I really think
he knows what he's doing.

Awesome. My friend's future
lies in the hands

of a former barista
junior detective

who now goes by the name
of Harold Honeycut.

I like those odds.

[percussive music playing]

[phone chimes]

What do you want? God.

[touch tones clicking]

[message chirps]

-[phone clatters]
-Leave me alone.

And that's how you
start a fire with spicy mustard
and some aluminum foil.

Remember, you're gonna
need a ton of gasoline
and some matches.

And thanks for watching.

Hope you guys enjoyed that.
And a special shout-out

to all my paid subscribers
out there.

Hope you guys are enjoying
those bonus episodes.

[blows] Bonus episodes?

All our decisions
have already been made.

Every year, all the top CEOs,
world leaders, economists,

and whoever else, gather in
some Eastern European country

to dictate our fates
for the rest of the year.

They call themselves
the Ultra Mariners.

And you know where
their headquarters are?

Albuquerque, New Mexico.

And guess who started
a little company there?

-[coughing]
-A man by the name
of Bill Gates.

And you're trying to tell me
that he has nothing to do
with any of this?

Open your eyes, sheeple.

[computer ringing]

Oh, shit.

[computer chimes]

Hey, Gilbert.

Please don't call me
Gilbert.

It could jeopardize
this entire operation.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Is this a secure line?

Um...

It's as secure as the last time
you called me.

Hey, do you mind if I
add Wes to this call?

[buzzing]

Oh, hey, Gilbert.

Please, gentlemen,
call me Harold Honeycut.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

Sorry, Harold. Hey...

are you where we think
you are right now?

Indeed, I am outside
of the residence in question.

Well, can we see it?

I can offer you a quick glimpse,
but I don't wanna do anything

that would compromise
the nature of this mission.

There does not appear to be
any suspicious activity

outside of Mr. Gates' home
at this time.

Well, no shit it isn't.
That's not his fucking house.

I can assure you this
is the correct address
I got from my contact.

-Who is your contact?
-My cousin Ronnie.

Oh, that makes me feel
a lot better.

You know, my mom used to say,
"You could always trust
a guy named Ronnie."

Snicker if you will,
but he does work

for the one and only
United States Postal Service.

So he has access
to every address in the US.

Yeah, you know what, Gilbert,

I think we're done here, buddy.

It's Harold, man.

Whatever it is, you're fired.

Guys, come on.

I've got an entire Rolodex
full of contacts.

I'm sure you do,
and I'm certain they'd be
of no help to us.

I think you're making
a huge mistake.

I'm pretty sure we
already made a huge mistake.

Ooh, wait a minute, guys.
I think we have some movement.

[Wes] Are you outta your mind,
Gilbert?

Bill Gates is not a surfer,
nor does he have
a fucking toddler.

And on that note, Gilbert,
it was nice knowing you, buddy.

I don't think you picked up
as many detective skills
from Starbucks as you thought.

It was a Coffee Bean.

Well, that's probably
gonna be the last time

I hire a detective
off of Craigslist.

That guy was completely useless.

-Yep, back to square one.
-[Luke] No, maybe not.

While you were being all high
and mighty with your shower,

I stumbled upon
a whole Toby goldmine.

It turns out we've only seen
a fraction of his videos.

-Wait, what do you mean?
-He's got bonus material
and it's the good shit.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Dude, he's got
all these theories

about how Bill Gates is the head
of this secret society

who makes
all our decisions for us.

And they're called
the Ultra Mariners,

and they created this virus
so that all the small businesses

would shut down
and we'd have to rely on nothing

but huge corporations
like Amazon and Walmart
and all that shit.

The important detail being that,

supposedly, they're based
in Albuquerque, New Mexico,

which just so happens
to be where Bill Gates
started Microsoft.

Holy shit.
But Mandy told us
that Toby's going to Seattle,

so why wouldn't we believe her?

Maybe Toby didn't
want Mandy to know
where he was really going.

Remember that waterboarding
video he made where he said,

"Never give any information
to anyone"?

-Oh, my God, yeah.
-We're onto the right guy,

we're just looking
in the wrong place.

I think Toby went
to Albuquerque to kidnap Bill.

Wait, how many
of these bonus episodes
have you seen so far?

Like six or seven,
and I was just about
to watch one

-on Area 51 until
that shithead Muldoon called.
-Well, how do we watch them?

Oh, I paid 50 bucks
to become a member, so I could
just share it with you.

That place is off limits
to everyone.

How else could a man
build a tech corporation
overnight like that?

He had access to technology
no one on Earth
had ever seen before,

because it wasn't human.

Now, how did he do that?
I guess we'll never know.

But I do find it interesting

that he interned at Area 51

before his senior year
at Harvard.

Rome wasn't built in a day,
but Microsoft was.

Jesus Christ, is he going
to Albuquerque or Area 51?

Wait, Area 51's
not in Albuquerque?

No, idiot, it's in Nevada.
Everybody knows that.

-Oh, man, I'm so confused.
-See, this is why I was saying,

-in order to find Toby,
we have to think like Toby.
-Cool.

The guy that
eats armadillo casserole
and drinks his own urine.

-Yeah, exactly.
-Area 51 then.

Awesome, the most
secretive place in the world.

This mystery is becoming
more and more solvable
by the second.

How are we gonna get
into Area 51?

Well, do you really think
Toby's gonna be able to?

-He's gonna get himself killed.
-This fucking guy
actually thinks

that Bill Gates got
his Microsoft technology
from Area 51.

And that that's the place
that created the virus

but also the place
that created the vaccine

with the microchip
to combat the virus.

I mean,
it doesn't make sense to me,
so I think it checks out.

God, between my divorce,
the quarantine, and these
bizarre conspiracy theories,

I think I've aged
ten years in three days.

Yeah, you have.
Speaking of exhaustion,

we have to get on
another frigging Zoom call
with the group.

[sighs] I don't wanna deal
with that right now.

All they wanna do is talk
about my feelings. I'm fine.

God damn it.

How's your, uh, little
investigation going?

-I wish you guys would
take this more seriously.
-[Wes] Yeah.

We've made some significant
breakthroughs, actually.

-Oh, yeah, like what?
-Well, we think Toby

might've gone to Area 51
to get Bill Gates.

Why the fuck would Bill Gates
be at Area 51?

Because that's where
he got all the technology
to start Microsoft.

Wait, what--
what does that even mean?

Wes, what is that
on the wall behind you?

Oh, that's my, uh, board
of investigation.

You say that as if we all
have a board of investigation.

Why isn't the Denver Airport
on your wall?

Uh, what are you talking about?

Well, everyone knows
that Area 51

is actually underneath
the Denver Airport.

What, are you fucking serious?

Oh, shit, Wes, Keith is right.

How did we not know this?

You guys, that was a joke.

I was just joking, okay?

It's not real.
It's just crap on the internet.

We have to go. Wes, call me.
Call me right now.

[Wes] So our government's
biggest secret is

an international airport
that hundreds of thousands
of people visit every week?

Sometimes the best place
to hide something is
in plain sight.

Dude, he has to be here.

This is a conspiracy theorist's
wet dream.

Oh, my God, I know.
This stuff is nuts.

Okay, so we know

that Toby is a survivalist
doomsday prepper

-who thinks the world
is gonna end, right?
-Right.

Well, the Denver Airport
has bunkers set aside

for the world's elite
during a global disaster.

-Do they really?
-Yeah, according
to this article I read

on Eagleeyejerry.net,
it's the safest place
in the world.

Plus, Bill Gates is already
there because of his ties
to Area 51

and he's a member
of the Global Elite.

Toby is going
to the fucking Denver Airport.

[chuckles] We found him!

Well, we still need
to "find him find him,"

but I mean, come on,
it's pretty much in the bag.

It... it's the general area.

We've narrowed it down
significantly.

-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, shit, my mother's
calling me.

Uh, I should probably take this.

Okay, yeah, yeah, you talk
to her and call me back,
and send my love.

All right, will do.

-Hey, Mom.
-Hi, honey.

-How are you doing?
-I'm good.

I... I just got a text
from your friend Wendy,

and it was a little concerning.

She said something
about you trying

to solve
a missing person's case.

No, Mom, e-everything's fine.

I assure you there's
nothing to worry about.

Actually, Mom, have you ever
been to the Denver Airport

and noticed anything strange?

What? Wes, do you remember
when you were in ninth grade

and Kimberly Larson
dumped you,

and you thought it'd be
a great idea to build
a treehouse?

-[ringing]
-Ooh, I gotta go.

-You spent all your time...
-Love you, Mom. Bye.

-What?
-So what's up with Muldoon?

Well... [sighs]

he feels really awful about
how the last assignment ended

and he wants to do
some pro bono work for us.

He says, uh, he's worried about
getting a bad Yelp review.

I mean, how much help
can the guy possibly be?

Things didn't exactly
pan out last time.

-Well, it's free.
-I do like the sound of that.

Do you think he'd be
willing to fly himself
to Denver out of his own pocket?

I don't know Gilbert well,
but, uh,

he seems like the kind of guy
that'd be up for anything.

Gentlemen,
I cannot thank you enough

for giving me
a second opportunity.

You've got the Muldoon guarantee

that business will be
handled this time.

Oh, yeah, no--no problem. Sure.

Um, hey, look,
I know it's pretty
risky to fly right now,

but would you be willing
to travel up to Denver
as soon as possible?

I thought you'd never ask.

Obviously you'd have to pay
for your own expenses.

-Of course. That's--that's
the least I can do.
-Yaw!

So, um, what do you need me
to do out there in Denver?

Well, we have reason
to believe that Toby
went to the Denver Airport,

which houses Area 51,
so that he could gain
access to Bill Gates.

And we need you to find Toby
and intercept him.

You guys are in luck
'cause Ronnie's cousin Donny

actually works
as a baggage handler
at the Denver Airport.

So he knows some people.

You're not gonna regret this.

Well, let's hope
that these contacts

are a little more
useful this time

because Ronnie wasn't
exactly foolproof.

I can assure you this case
will be solved within 17 hours.

My bags are packed.
I'll be on the first
flight out of Sea-Tac.

Thank you, Gilbert.
We really appreciate it.

This will not go unforgotten.

-"Truth waits to be found..."
-[parrot] Peekaboo.

"...but searches for no one."

I still don't
know what that means,

but thanks for all
you're doing for us...

whatever it is
that you're doing.

Say no more, my friends.

We won't. God speed, brother.

-I've got you co--
-[button clicks]

[message chirps]

[touch tones clicking]

[message chirps]

[touch tones clicking]

[message chirps]

[sighs]

[percussive music playing]

[Toby] That's some pretty
fresh bear shit right there.

Get yourself a walkie-talkie
for when the cell towers
collapse,

and trust me,
they are going to collapse.

-[man 1] Toby kidnapped Toby.
-[parrot] Peekaboo.

[Toby] But be wary
of code crackers in case
you're doing Morse code.

-[man 2] Meat shortage.
-[woman] 'Cause I have shit
implanted into my DNA also.

[Vinny] Take a bath,
you're starting to look
like a real fucking lowlife.

[Toby] You never know when
you're gonna have to parkour
away from an invader.

Toby... we're coming for you,
buddy.

I promise.

[mysterious music playing]

[Toby] "Take Charge with Toby."

Best place to be during
a flood is up in a tree.

The whole sky is chemtrails.

Remember, you're gonna
need a ton of gasoline.

[Larry] Do you have any urine
needs, urine filtration needs?

We're doing a flash sale
right there.

[Gilbert] "Faithless
is he that says farewell
when the road darkens."

[Toby] And that's how
you start a fire with...
[echoes]

[voices overlapping, echoing]

[cacophony growing louder]

[voices fade]

[peaceful music playing]

To find me, you better start
thinking like me.

You think you're up for that?

It hasn't been easy,
but I think I'm getting closer.

Oh, you're way off,

but whatever helps you
sleep at night.

What are we eating?

Armadillo casserole.

It's pretty good.

Now you're starting
to think like me.

Don't fight it.

[heart beating]

Wake up, Wes.

Wake up!

[gasps]

[groaning]

Oh. Fuck.

[exhales]

What the hell is wrong with me?

[upbeat rock music playing]

-[knock on door]
-Who is it?

[man] Uh, Postmates,
I got your, uh,
beer delivery order.

Just leave it
on the doormat and beat it.

[man] Uh, I gotta see some ID
for the alcohol, buddy.

It's under the doormat!

Don't touch it.

Okay, that's one way
to talk to a person.

[sighs]

[man] All right, you're all set.
Thanks a lot.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait, Wait, Wait.
Excuse me, wait!

Hey, do you know anything
about the ties

between Area 51
and the Denver Airport?

-What?
-Well, do you?

[music continues]

[rock music on earplugs]

Toby's dead and that's okay.

You did your best.

Wow, you look good.

Please keep your distance,
all right?

You've done enough damage to me.

Did you, uh, get any of that
in your mouth

or did you just rub it
all over your tits?

You know, it's actually,
it's a tits kind of day, yeah.

What I do is
I scoop it right off them

and put the chip
right in my mouth
and it's quite delicious.

Hmm.
Yeah, it looks like you've
been making some great strides.

I will have you know I'm
doing quite well, thank you.

I've actually made
some significant strides,
if that wasn't obvious enough.

Yeah, I noticed you've been
up to quite a lot recently,

like hiring a private eye.

-Really, Wes?
-How do you know about that?

We share
a Venmo account, you moron.

Please just call it off.

We can't call it off now.
He's probably already
at his house.

What? Who's "we"?

"We" is the appropriate
amount of people needed

to get the information,
you know, on a basis

that is...

an inner circle of, uh,
you know, contacts.

And you're on a need-to-know
basis right now

and you don't need to know.

Are you having
a stroke right now?

I'm--I'm perfectly fine.

How is it that you didn't
want me hiring lawyers,

but you're fine
hiring a private eye?
How does that make sense?

Boy, you sure are
concerned over this.

You know, Wes, it would
never have come to this

if you were more present
in our relationship.

Ohhhh.

So you want me
to call off the PI?

Yes, that's... yeah. Yes.

Well, what are you gonna
do for me?

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]
I will tell the lawyers
to forget everything.

Tell you what, you do that
and, uh, you give me back
Iggy Pup,

I'll terminate
the entire investigation.

Fine, I only took him
to piss you off anyways, so...

Wow, the truth comes out, huh?

Pleasure doing business
with you.

-Go fuck yourself.
-My mother was right about you.

-Your mother's a bitch.
-No, she's not.

My mother's the sweetest
person on the planet

and you're a monster.

A monster.

But look who's doing great
without you.

[rock music on earplugs]

-[suspenseful music playing]
-[distant dogs barking]

[phone buzzing]

[groans]

Ooh.

-Ah, fuck.
-[buzzing continues]

God damn it. [sighs]

-Hello?
-[woman]
Hi, is this Wes Crowley?

Uh, yeah.

Hi, Wes,
this is Tracy Blackwood.

Oh, my God, Tracy.
It's so good to hear from you.

-It's been forever.
-[Tracy] Hey. Yeah.

I was surprised
when I got your message.
So what's going on?

Toby and I haven't talked
in a couple of weeks,
but that's kind of normal.

Well, you know, I'm just
getting a little worried

'cause no one's
seen or heard from him
in, like, four or five days

and some of the YouTube comments
from his fans just got me
a little nervous.

Oh, those people are all crazy.

And my brother, I'm guessing
you've seen his videos.

I mean, he scares me
quite often.

[chuckles] Yeah. Um...

Well, we heard that he
might be driving all the way

to Seattle to find Bill Gates,

but now we think
he may be in Denver.

Did he mention anything
like that?

What are you talking about?
Who told you that?

-His girlfriend, Mandy.
-Toby doesn't have
a girlfriend.

If Mandy's the person
that I'm thinking she is,

then she is
a total fucking lunatic.

-She sends me death threats
all the time.
-Are you serious?

Yeah. Do not listen
to anything that woman says.

-Oh, God.
-What is it?

How far do you live from Toby?

About 20, 25 minutes.

Okay, I--I know this
is asking a lot,

but would you, you know,
be willing to swing
by his place,

just to check on him
and see if he's there?

Yeah, I can swing by.

Oh, my God,
that'd be so helpful.

Yeah, it's no problem,
other than having

to try and dodge
his trip wires.

Yeah, well, thank you, Tracy.

Um, and just gimme a shout
when you get there, okay?

Will do.
Talk to you soon, Wes.

Okay, bye.

[percussive music playing]

-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, hey.

Toby doesn't have
a fucking girlfriend.

-What?
-According to his sister,

Mandy is a lunatic stalker
and we shouldn't listen
to anything she said.

Why'd we listen to that psycho?

She wanted us to go to Seattle
when she knew damn well

that we would go to
Albuquerque and then Nevada

and then the Denver Airport.

-Isn't it obvious?
-She's the perfect suspect.

Shit, and I just sent
Toby's sister over there.

She's probably gonna end up
seeing her brother with
a fucking shotgun to his face.

We gotta call Mandy.
Start off real smooth and suave,
let her dig her own grave.

Remember, she doesn't know
that we know she's full of shit.

-Yeah, I'm on my way.
-We know you fucking have him,
just admit it.

I would never
do anything to hurt Toby.
I love him too much.

How can you love him
when his sister says
you've never even met?

You don't need to meet
someone to be in love with them.

And honestly, his sister
has always been jealous
of what we have.

Do you even hear the bullshit
coming out of your mouth?

All right, look, fine,
I haven't met Toby,

but he told me that he was
going to find Bill Gates

to make him fess up on camera.

Why wouldn't I believe that?

Horse shit!
We wanna see the texts.

[scoffs] I don't
have to show you shit.

I don't even know you.

-And you don't know Toby.
-Okay.

We know you've got him
wherever the fuck
you are right now.

Yeah, you just want us going
all over the country so we'd
stay off of your trail.

Well, technically we didn't
go anywhere, but still.

You know what's funny?
Is all of these accusations
are coming

from two guys
who have been on a witch hunt

because you're
so obsessed with Toby.

And it really does
kind of make you guys seem

like the psycho stalkers,
not me. [laughs]

Oh, yeah? Is that why
you're in the woods
behind Toby's house?

Is that where you're
burying the fucking body?

All right, you know what?
I'm done.

You'll both be really sorry.

You fucking murderer! Hey?

Did she just hang up on us?
God damn it.

[line ringing]

-Hey.
-I think she has him.

I mean, it has to be her, right?

Yeah, and if he
actually did contact her,

then why didn't she
show us the text?

Yeah, and she hung up as soon
as we mentioned the body.

I can't believe the hell
we went through

and it was right under
our fucking noses
the whole time.

Do you think there's
anything to her saying
his sister is crazy?

Yeah. Sure. A person who's never
even met the guy she's dating

accuses that guy's sister
of being crazy.

Plus, I--I remember Tracy
a little bit.

I--I don't think she's
capable of hurting anyone.

I'm looking at my person
of interest wall now.

It's embarrassing.

It's all dog shit.

Murder brothers, innocent.

Ken Griffey Jr.,
the sweetest swing of all time.

It's hogwash, man,

the whole damn thing.

[mellow music playing]

Hogwash.

Hey, man, you all right?

Are you crying?

-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, shit.

Toby's sister's calling me.

Just make sure you loop me in.

Hey, Tracy, are you at Toby's?

[Tracy] Yeah, I'm here.

Uh, nothing weird so far,
but I will check inside.

All right, I'm gonna
switch this over to FaceTime.

My friend Luke
and I are pretty invested
in this whole thing, okay?

[computer ringing]

-[spits]
-[cap rattles]

-[sighs]
-[line ringing]

Wow, quite the sunburn, Wes.

Yeah, it's not a great look.

Hey, Tracy,
no time for small talk.

We have reason to believe
that Mandy's on the premises.

Wait, crazy Mandy?

Well, we don't know
for sure, but be careful.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Tracy]
Rosary beads? Where the hell
did these come from?

-Father Delgado.
-What?

What? Not--No, nothing.
Keep going.

Is there something
you guys aren't telling me?

-No, just keep your eyes
peeled for Mandy.
-Yeah.

Okay.

[house alarm blaring]

[Tracy]
Toby? Toby, are you home?

You're doing great, Tracy.

[blaring continues]

-You're a braver woman than I.
-Check behind that door.

[Wes] Wait. No, no.
Don't check behind the door.

Actually, just check
behind that door.
Just be careful.

[Tracy] Shit, guys,
I don't think he's here.

Where's his crazy bunker?

[Tracy] It's out back.
Just give me a minute.

[Wes] Not to further alarm you,
but we just talked to Mandy

and she sounded
pretty unstable,

so you should
maybe be on your toes.

She may very well
have gotten her hands

on Toby's flamethrower.
That's what I would do.

You're really not helping.

-Oh, man, I'm so nervous.
-This is terrifying.

Still not helping.

[whispers] Sorry, I'm sorry.

We wish that we could
be there, but we're not.

[Tracy] Just your standard
creepy doomsday domicile.

[Luke] Wait, did that box say
"flamethrower number two"?

-Who has two flamethrowers?
-Can you stop shouting?

We need to find out
where Mandy lives because
if she's not at Toby's,

then she definitely has him
hogtied in her basement for
sure, if he's not already dead.

Look, if you're this
concerned that Mandy has him,
then we should go to the cops.

We wanted to go to the cops,
but he's got an arsenal
of unregistered weapons.

Oh, all is registered.

As crazy as Toby is, he crosses
his I's and dots his T's.

-You've gotta be kidding me.
-God damn it.

-[man groaning]
-What was that?

-I don't know,
do you guys hear that too?
-Yeah.

-[man] Help!
-Someone's calling for help.

-Holy shit.
-I'm heading towards it.

-Be careful.
-[Tracy] Where are you?

[man] Help! Over here.

-Oh, my God.
-[Tracy] Toby!

-Shit, where are you?
-[Toby groaning]

-Toby!
-Over here.

Tracy, get me the fuck
out of this thing.

-[Tracy] Toby!
-[Toby groaning]

Toby!

[Toby groaning]

Oh. Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Fuck. You guys, Toby got stuck
in a bear trap.

-Oh, God, Toby.
-Oh, God.

-[Tracy] God, that looks awful.
-[Luke groaning]

-I gotta call 911.
-Don't hang up! Don't--!

[sighs]

Fuck.

[computer ringing]

A fucking bear trap?

What kind of survivalist
gets stuck in a bear trap?

Did you see his goddamn leg?

That leg is gone, it's history.

Odds are probably, yeah.

All the shit we went through,
a fucking bear trap?

God damn it, fuck this guy.

Yeah, but, dude,
we--we solved
the missing person's case.

Oh, yeah, we're geniuses.

Let's pump the brakes
on the genius talk, all right?

-Holy shit. Tracy's calling me.
-[phone buzzing]

-I'll listen in.
-[buzzing continues]

-Hello?
-Hi, Wes.
Uh, so 911 is on the way,

but they said
it could take an hour.

So can you go on YouTube and
check if Toby has any videos

about how to get
out of a bear trap?

Uh, based on
the current situation,
I'm guessing he doesn't.

[Toby] Who the fuck
are you talking to?

Your old friend,
Wes Crowley, from Kunkle.

[Toby] The albino kid
from middle school?

What does he want?
I've kind of got
a situation here.

[Tracy] I wouldn't have
found you without him.

-Yeah, we saved you, dude.
-Hey, man, what's it been,

20 years? How you doing?

Oh, hey, Wes. Doing great.
Just bleeding out is all.

Yeah, man,
I'm sorry to hear that.

You'll be okay, though,
I'm pretty sure.

Oh, I know, I will.
[shrieking]

How the hell did you find me?

Well, uh, we did a little
research

and thought you were at Area 51

underneath the Denver Airport
to find Bill Gates

so that you could get him
to fess up on your YouTube page.

That's actually
a pretty great idea,

but everybody knows
that the Denver Airport
is one big red herring.

The real Area 51
is in Jackson Hole, Wyoming,
under the hole, of course.

-What?
-[Tracy] Toby, what the hell
happened out here?

Well, I was working
on my perimeter

and sometimes I get
a little too clever,
even for myself.

Long story short,
fell in my own bear trap.
It happens.

Oh, no, that--
that never happens.

You gotta stop doing this.

Like, why didn't you
just call somebody?

I would have, but I
dropped my two main modes

of communication
right over there.

They must've fallen out
of my tactical vest.

You know you have voice
command on your phone, right?

Do I look like a goddamn fool?

-Yes.
-I disabled voice command.

I don't want "Big Brother"
watching me.

You have 132,000
YouTube subscribers.

The--The whole world
is watching you.

Yeah, I am good at what I do.

-You're terrible at what you do.
-[Tracy] What the hell is that?

Oh, that's
my urine filtration system.

-It saved my life.
-[Tracy] What do you mean,
saved your...?

-Oh, God, Toby!
-Oh, God.

Yeah, I've been living
on piss and beef jerky
for about, uh...

[inhales sharply]
...four days now.

Hey, Wes,
I gotta thank you, man.

I could've died out here.
I mean, I most likely
wouldn't have.

I'm sure I would've figured
this out in the next three or
four hours, but still, thanks.

Yeah, man, it was my pleasure.
It was actually a lot of fun.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna slap a few Band-Aids
on here

and then I'm gonna swing
through LA and we're gonna go

to Jackson Hole together
to grab Bill Gates,

just like that plan of yours.

Uh, yeah,
that sounds, uh, pretty cool,

but, um, actually,
I'm--I'm going through
a--a period of transition.

And on top
of said period of transition,

I--I'd rather not
get on a plane until
quarantine's over.

Oh, come on, you can't possibly
believe that shit.

It's all a hoax.

[laughing] Oh, Wes,
I have so much to teach you.

You're stuck in a bear trap,
drinking your own urine.

You can teach no one anything,
you dumb piece of shit!

What am I supposed to do now?

So the survivalist was stuck
in his own bear trap
this whole time?

Yep, survived on beef jerky
and two gallons
of his own piss.

Dried waffles again. Hmm.

Yeah, I haven't really
had time to get any syrup.

Ah, but you had enough time
to get a lovely suntan.

Wait, that's your actual skin?

I thought you just had
some weird lighting.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Wes, your face, it--I think
you need to get some aloe.

Is it--Is it that bad?

I think you should
go to a dermatologist.

So you guys actually
saved that dude's life?

Yeah, we're heroes and
you guys didn't believe in us.

Yeah, what have you been
doing during quarantine,

reading books
and not saving lives?

Look, I'm sorry
that we doubted you,

but I'm glad you can
finally focus on yourself.

Bullshit!
If Wes would've been selfish
and just focused on himself,

Toby would probably
be dead right now.

Yeah, and I might not have ever
found out that Courtney
was cheating on me.

-What?
-I fucking knew it.

-When did that happen?
-I found out this morning

when she accidentally
confessed to it.

But I'm getting Iggy Pup back,
so that's cool.

And Courtney's backing out
with the lawyer.

You know, this whole thing
has actually,
it's taught me a lot.

I've learned that people on
the internet are fucking crazy.

I learned to always run
from your problems

because that's how
you get them solved.

And I learned
that, uh, in a pinch,
I could survive off my own pee.

Wow, I am so glad
you learned... some of that.

Uh, sorry we thought this whole
"going after Bill Gates" thing
was crazy.

Yeah, seems like you guys
learned something too.

To, uh... to never doubt us.

Yeah, this pandemic
would've been pretty boring

without rescuing a guy
Wes barely knows

from his own bear trap.

[ringing]

[laughing]

Wes. Wes!

It's... it's Muldoon,
he's calling back.

We forgot about Muldoon.
[chuckling]

Oh, fuck. [chuckles]

-What?
-Who's Muldoon?

Oh, we hired
a private investigator
and had him fly to Denver.

-[laughing] It's Wes.
-Guys, we gotta go.

Yeah, we have to go.
We have to get this.

-Bye.
-What are you guys
talking about?

[phone chimes]

Gentlemen, it's Muldoon.

I'm in the basement
of the Denver Airport.

No sign of your friend yet,
but you're gonna wanna
see this.

[mystical music playing]

-Holy shit.
-Holy shit.

As promised,
17 hours, gentlemen.

We should've never
doubted you, Muldoon.

You've got
the Muldoon guarantee.

[creatures speaking
alien language]

[upbeat music playing]

Hey there, everybody.
We got a real special episode
for you today because, one,

we got my good buddy
and new intern, Wes Crowley.

And, B, we are
at the home of my old mentor,

the man that taught me
everything, and that's
a whole hell of a lot,

that's right, Merve Turley.

And legend has it,

he is buried underneath
this old, beautiful home of his.

And today, Wes and I here
are gonna show you

how to excavate a body.

-What? What? What? What?
-So here, let's--

Yeah, we're gonna--we're gonna
dig him up. It's Merve.

Yeah, no, you just said
we were gonna build a bunker.

No, I just said that
to get you down here,

but I think
once you get into it,
you're really gonna love it.

-You're really gonna
get a feel for it.
-No.

You're gonna be a natural,
Wes, don't you worry.

I've taught you a lot already,
so let's get to work, buddy.

-Let's get our hands dirty.
-Come on. Iggy, let's go!

-Are you really
not gonna do this?
-No, no, no, let's go.

Don't be afraid of death, Wes.

It's just a state of mind.

[music continues]