Original subtitles

Some blue fireworks, there!

Business ain't going so good, though.

Sure thing, I'm sniffing out your salami six to eight times a day...

but the taller your pecker grows, the smaller my purse shrinks.

As the saying goes,

crime pays alright, but roughing up the suspect sure doesn't.

You're so pessimistic, babe.

Your mind is as narrow as your ass is open.

Me?

I'm being perfectly rational,

and I can feel that business will pick up today.

As true as my name is...

James Bande 00Sex.

How can you tell?

I read my horoscope.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Well, you'll soon see a hell of a lot with me.

I'm still a few steps ahead when it comes to ass-fucking,

or handling a temperamental dick, milking it properly.

Tell me about it.

I stayed a virgin for a long time...

even at eighteen, my pussy was unserviced,

and I couldn't understand why anyone would want to screw.

I just went from one church to another.

No, I wasn't religious at all,

I was studying Romanesque architecture.

I was hitchhiking.

One morning, a couple gave me a ride in their Rolls-Royce.

I felt bad visiting poor churches in this luxurious car.

They were very nice and they invited me to dinner at an inn.

After the meal, they booked a room and asked me to follow them

to look through some book they had on the Cathedral of Reims.

As soon as I entered the room,

they grabbed me and tied me on a chair.

The woman stripped and so did her husband.

Then they tore my clothes off and started whipping my breasts.

The man had a massive hard-on and he waved it right in my face,

then his wife got a hand in, and started sucking him off.

She moved her tongue over his cock

and I was soon soaking wet as I watched.

Then she slapped me

until I also had a good suck of his cock.

She masturbated while watching us.

The man came and I could only swallow his hot spend.

He poured in a bucketful and I started coming myself,

while the hot sperm fell into my mouth.

The woman started suckling me. The man got hard again,

and fucked his wife's ass, while she still suckled me, tied down.

Exciting!

Do go on!

Okay, but I have to masturbate.

Then...

they untied me...

the man fucked my ass and took my virginity.

It was painful at first.

The bellboy then arrived with some champagne,

and we literally raped him...

then, the woman was tied to the bed, facedown,

I whipped her buttocks while she sucked off the bellboy,

and her husband just jerked off to the whole spectacle.

We spent the whole night in such like pursuits.

I've since moved on from church spires to cocks.

That's why you make the perfect assistant.

By the way, have you seen the time?

My God, you're right! Give me the binoculars!

It's visiting time at our neighbor's.

Tell me what's going on, I can't see a thing!

I know this guy...

never content with his fill...

Foreplay is my favorite part.

There is not enough of it, generally.

People are always 100 hasty when they make love...

just want to get that bun in the oven, rightaway.

What a pity!

What are they doing?

He's fondling her breasts.

What's he doing now?

His penis is fully erect.

A right bit of rumpy-pumpy there!

Still a little hasty, I'd say...

Still, good to see it, now...

that cock getting right in there.

She's lying on her back...

with her vagina wide-open, like a bitch.

His balls are havin' a right good swing,

her vulva getting all swollen round about...

I can't see it all...

but I know.

Their facial expressions

really set them apart.

His balls are swollen.

Tell me morel

They switch to another position.

She offers him her well-rounded butt.

- Is she on all fours? - Like an animal.

The rosy lips of her cunt are parted.

Her breasts are quivering.

He opens her buttocks to get a better look down her narrow hole,

while his cock pounds happily away.

He's going to come!

He tries to hold back as long as he can.

He's ripping her apart... faster and faster!

That bitch has beat him to it on the orgasm.

Now... it's his turn to get right jittery all over!

It sure doesn't spoil his looks though.

His load is steaming hot, and she's sure earned her fill.

What a good eyesight you have!

James Bande 00Sex can see everything!

Yes?

I see.

The boss is looking for you, James Bande 00Sex

Okay, let's go.

Hello, boss.

So, my dear James Bande...

expecting a little holiday, were you?

Alright, you defeated Doctor Dildo and his Lesbos-worshipping Amazons...

thirty of them in one go!

Thirty-two to be precise.

It took me six nights to convince them.

Without drinking, eating or sleeping.

You're a hero, 00Sex. A real champion!

It's not just a cock you've got down there,

it's an electronic device, refillable like a fountain pen.

Or maybe you have invented the process of perpetual motion.

Indeed, it's all in the training.

They call me, "The man who gets hard faster than his shadow".

Eh... my sundial always points north.

I even invented "coitus automaticus",

all done via remote control.

In a recent case,

my colleague had to just give up.

Not exactly the S.A.S... more like, "S.O.S!"

As for Lemmy Caution,

I brought Joan Of Arc to his feet.

She was smoking hot...

but the best trick I ever pulled off...

was to hit on Fantomas...

and tempt him over to the other side.

I'm well aware of all your deeds.

You're the boomstick of crime,

the private parts of espionage, the rumpo in the shadow!

They've even called you, "Once upon a time a weenie".

However, let me be clear, I didn't ask you round

to have my secretary "slurpin-yer-gurkin"

or to send you on vacation.

No rod fishing, then?

No, but I trust your rod is well-wound...

because I have a mission for you.

Indeed, it may well reduce your weapon to a harmless piece of Meccano,

only fit to satisfy war widows,

and retired school teachers.

Dangerous?

Danger turns me on.

Oh, my dear Bande, anything turns you on!

No doubt, if I wasn't your superior,

I'd be hung on the coat-rack right now, getting a proper dry-cleaning...

I obey orders.

Ask me to fuck and I'll fuck.

It's not always fun.

Last time I had to take down the great "Ma-twat Hari",

I had to think about something else.

82 years old...

even from behind, there was no getting away from it!

You should only have tapped into your Oedipus complex!

Oedipus didn't screw his great grandmother!

You get some perks, right?

You are the only one of our agents,

to have screwed a whole group of lip-plated African women!

Their blow-jobs weren't so pleasant...

Then, what about that hostage on the Boeing 7077

I had to screw all 400 passengers to track down the accomplice.

A 10-year-old girl.

She didn't suck so well, but swallowed every drop.

Still makes my corn pop, just thinking about it.

My dong looks like an oil pipeline in Syria.

Syria? We're talkin' Syria-ous business here!

Excuse me, while I just unzip my pants...

If I don't, I'll just split 'em open for the eighth time this week.

So, today is Tuesday... Oh no, it's Friday, of course!

Can you believe it, Zoey?

Don't you dare call me Zoey!

By all means, take your dong out, though.

With this, you could have been a pole vault champion.

Let's talk business, then?

I'm just taking root over here, and it's wearing me out.

Wait a minute!

Show me that you're still up to this job.

Nina! Blow Bande, it's an order.

I never question the Chief's orders.

Neither do I.

Here we go again!

How to get hard again?

Fantasies are the only way.

Of course, it's flattering when the Chief reels off my past exploits,

but what's it all add up to?

It's no fun being a superman.

That girl is no mean sucker.

She puts all her heart into it...

but it's a weak heart...

and if her desire doesn't come across,

no hard-on for me.

What will it take to get hard?

My fantasies! Quick, my fantasies!

The boss is watching...

and it should get me going,

but it doesn't, quite the opposite.

How can I get out of this?

No hard-on in sight...

If only she really meant it...

I might feel her hard nipples rubbing my thighs.

Her hand would gently get the measure of my balls...

Her movements would get more precise...

if she was guided by her desire.

The more I try to get hard,

the softer it gets.

That babe is really doing her utmost.

She thinks my erection depends on her exertion.

How wrong!

She need only be willing, nothing else.

I'll have a little moan...

so that her efforts aren't entirely wasted.

I still can't get hard.

Now it's starting...

At last, my fantasies become reality!

Her luscious lips want only to consume my cock.

Now, the Chief can take over...

she has her own technique, tried and tested.

Yes!

Suck it!

My tongue would rummage through the little girl's cunt

as she sat on a chair... above me...

her legs wide open...

to let me in, and lick the juice...

from all around her crotch.

My fantasies fade away...

I'm getting limp now...

I'm getting limp.

No! No way!

I'd feel a hand on my ass...

then a finger would find its way around my tight anus...

and linger there a while.

All around me, I hear voices giving orders...

"Open her legs "

"Stretch her buttocks, I want to see her ass!"

Feels good, eh?

They would instruct me on the best approach to this delicate region.

Hands would take care of that region between anus and scrotum.

I'm going to come!

Back to the little one's luscious lips, back to her gaping pussy...

I'm licking it

I suck its juices, and she's never felt such pleasure.

- Feels good, eh? - Yes!

What a tongue! My fantasies keep coming up.

The Chief is such a bitch, she impales herself on me.

Yes, come on, turn her over!

My penis is ripping her mouth apart,

my penis is big, so big!

They have never seen such a big one!

The Chief sinks to my feet, sucking it, blowing it!

Her face is soaking, from the little one's rich juices...

C'mon!

It feels good... feels good, eh?

Tell me it feels good, bitch!

- Feels good... - Come on, lez her out!

Suck it!

Yes! Oh, yes, suck me!

Come on, stick yer' fingerin it...

Yes, like that!

Feels good, eh?

You scum!

Bitch!

Oh, it feels good! Oh, yes! Come on!

Your cunt is the best place to be!

Yes, like that!

Yes, oh, yes!

Oh, I like that! It's so good!

Onh, yes, it's good, go on...

It's good, eh?

Yes! That's good!

You bitch!

Now, suck on her tits!

- Suck on her tits! - Yes!

- You like big cocks, eh? - Yes!

Feels good, eh?

Comel

Get on with it, you bitches!

Now!

It's so good!

You like that, eh? Then, say so!

That's good, eh?

Your asses are in fine form!

It's the canning factory for Love Milk Ltd, but the boss's wife is leaking elsewhere,

they say she's selling company secrets to a mysterious agent.

I deduce that we're up against the boss of the YG.AS.AB.ILW.G.T.

Y.G.ASAB.IWG.T? Is it a code?

No, those are initials: You Got A Small Ass But I Will Get You.

Y.G.AS AB.IWG.T.

This narrows down our field of investigation...

Fat asses are off the cards.

I reckon he doesn't give a rat's ass.

The President's wife is called Lassault. Ursula Lassault.

So, we have to get into her house... to find out what she's up to.

I'll get straight to the point!

Bye bye, Boss.

Pardon me, Miss...

But... but...

Just passing by.

Well, my day-dreams just get stranger and stranger.

I don't know, but I'm no day-dream!

The boss had such strange ideas!

She's the sort that only gets turned on...

in an atmosphere of fear, or in a funny situation.

You're taking things lightly, my dear Bande.

You always work without a condom?

How green of you.

I once had a lover like you.

He would only fuck in the countryside.

He would strip me in front of the peasants and told them to watch me...

in the name of nature!

He took me on the turf...

and I could see all their rustic rods...

so strong and hard.

They tossed themselves off in the sunshine...

to match the sheer thrust of my lover's cock.

They came all over my body, ecologically and logically enough.

It was pure natural energy...

then one day, I received a load that tasted like vodka.

He was a Russian spy!

I had him arrested...

and that's how my career in sexual counterintelligence started.

The boss is a real character!

Hello, Jack!

Some girl will show up, watch the door.

You see...

we have some questions, like why she keeps watching my back,

when the best part of me sits in my kangaroo pocket.

Okay, Bande.

Another job for us!

- Pernod? - What?

You want me to fix you a Pernod?

- Okay, but hurry up! - You've got a bong, Bande!

A double gin.

Here you are.

Thanks.

Did you get here by chance or were you tailing me?

My name is Zelda and I know your reputation, Mister Bande.

You too, Mister Jack.

It's not your real name, though.

You're Jack Mehoff...

you were born in Romania.

Your mother was Wilma Dickfit,

her anus was greedy and always ready.

The boys-scouts camping in the Hoia Forest would know all about that.

She always kept their lunch-boxes full and healthy.

Right, right... Why did you want to meet us?

I'm a journalist and I have information,

it might help you on the Ursula Lassault case...

but on certain conditions...

You know, with the tax on wealth,

and since buying gold anonymously is no longer possible,

we don't have a lot.

You have to see the Minister of Culture for these matters.

Very funny! Justin Herass can be very generous...

but I'm not interested in money, not at all.

Alright, alright...

I'm more interested in a particular state secret.

I want to get my hands on...

that secret device, permanently attached to James Bande 007.

In short, I'm ready to help you,

if you share certain things with me,

like the Hawaiian poontang, or the gigot stuffed with velvet nuts...

or maybe the palmiped with its ears in a different place,

Japanese-style, on the nipples.

Go for it, Bande!

For my country!

Hurry up, Bande! Bang me!

Banzai!

She's right curvy enough!

Very exciting! No complaints from my pecker.

Very nice... Very nice!

- Hey, Bande! - I'm coming, Jack.

Let's bang her!

Yes... nicel

Very nice, yes, very nice!

Come on, take them both, now.

Yes... yes... yes...

That's good, isn't it?

Suck them.

Alright!

Okay! Okay, baby! Suck!

Muck up your face with this, then!

Yes, very nice! Very nice, yes!

Very nice, babe.

Oh, okay...

Whore! Oh, those French girls...

Yes, go on!

I'll soon muck up your face with my come.

Oh, yes!

Oh, you have eyes like a panther!

Yes, play that flute in tune, now!

Suck...

the sperm...

of real men!

It works wonders for your complexion, you'll see!

You see? Come on!

Yes, keep it up, it'll be real good!

It'll clear out your lungs, too!

It's lunchtime. Get on the table.

Come on!

You're going to get it, honey!

You want to taste...

some English liquor?

It's good, eh?

Yes, suck it like that...

like you really mean it.

Yes...

Darling...

We can measure up to those Yanks...

now, yank off a real man!

Come on, chum!

Yes... yes, dude... yes! Stick it in!

Eat up her cat...

I mean, her pussy!

Now, take this family member of mine with both hands!

Take that!

You see my chum's cock?

Come, yes, come, you bitch!

Now! Now!

Onh, it's good!

Suck it...

Suck!

Can you see all 52 stars, now?

Can you see the American flag, eh?

The American flag...

Alright, honey, I'm coming...

Wait, here's some more...

Swallow it all! Swallow it all, you dirty whore!

Yes, it's good for your face!

Suck it, suck it...

Let's see them tits!

Here...

Here...

Yes, that's it!

Gently, eh? Gently...

Come on, suck! Suck it!

Like that.

Tell me I have a nice cock!

Yes...

Nice one, eh?

Yes, like that!

Who would have guessed our rivals

love getting laid as much as we do?

I'm a real man, eh?

You know what a real man is, eh?

Touch them...

touch them, good!

Come on! Come on!

You scum!

Piece of trash!

Yes, touch them!

Hold my crown jewels!

Oh, yes, scumbagI!

I'm an aristocrat...

and that's my knob!

Yes!

I'm gonna fuck your ass!

- Nothing like a bit of sodomy! - No!

- It's so good! - No!

Take it!

- It's so good! - Ouch!

Come on!

Take this!

- Take it! - Ouch!

Take it!

- Say you like it! - I like it!

Say that again!

Bitch! Bitch!

Take it in your ass!

- Good, eh? - Yes!

- Yes! - Come on!

There!

Well! The president of Love Milk Ltd likes to be dominated by women,

in some sticky situations.

His wife is unable to provide this meagre pleasure.

I can satisfy him and further probe about the shady Justin Herass,

who is doing business with his wife, in turn.

Given your pelvic abilities, I'm sure you'll find something...

but it has to be first-rate.

In the meantime, I'll pay a visit to this Ursula.

Well, I'll tend to the bar.

Not too glorious...

Complain to your management.

Let's meet here tonight, then.

I posed as a hooker,

and Mr. Lassault expects me in an hour.

Mrs. Lassault will be in a small hotel at that time.

I hope "Sean Cunnilly" won't turn up.

Let's play something else...

Oh, yes... feels good!

You really know how to lick.

It feels so good, just like that!

Let me suck on your tits!

She's in this hotel, room 18.

You're in for a surprise!

Nothing can suprise me.

I'm not so sure.

You're mistaken.

I'm not Miss Taken, my name's Zelda.

Either way, I'll see you later!

Sure, I look forward to our next little game...

especially with the cards you play!

Empty hands, empty pockets, they're all stacked in your pants!

I simply play to win.

Anyway, when you die, you must donate your body to science,

a penis like yours is the Stradivarius of perfect penetration!

That's good!

- I'm licking it good, eh? - Yes!

- A generous helping of tongue, eh? - Yes!

- Makes you come, eh? - Yes!

You're gonna get my cock, soon.

You're gonna get my big cock!

My dick...

will soon be breaking inside.

Come on, toss me, bitch!

Come on...

You're coming, eh? You scumbag!

So, you wanted to meet Justin Herass?

I knew it was you. You won't get away with it.

You see this dildo?

We use it to send coded messages.

Now, tell me who sent you!

I'll soon lick it out of her...

Yeah, get down to it, you whores!

You're coming, eh?

Just wait and see!

Talk, if you want me to make you come.

Never!

Your turn, boss.

Alright!

Talk now!

Come on, talk!

Come on!

You talkin' or what?

Playing "hard to get"?

Come on, talk!

You gonna talk?

Gonna talk, then?

You know what, little scumbag?

There's only one bullet...

it'll fire when you come!

Ouch!

In your face!

Yeah, you fuck that gun! Come on!

I won't say anything to morons with psychopathic tendencies,

whose heads are as empty and useless

as some kid's lighter, that needs refilling.

Well, quite an orgy taking shape here!

- 00Sex! - Damn it!

Swine! So, Justin and you are both... I mean, one and the same?

Hands up, Mister Bande.

I raise my limbs reluctantly... for the first time.

That case was closed fast, or rather it fizzled out...

Is it true this Mr. Bande...

is endowed with the seventh wonder of the world?

Let's have a look at it!

One last stand before my execution?

I hope you have some ammo left...

I always keep a whole tank in reserve.

Then, prepare to die in ecstasy!

Got it, Lollipop?

Lick me good... like that! Fine!

Yes, suck my balls... like that, yeah!

The old come-shot between the eyes, never fails.

You never stick around for long...

Let's probe into this further.

You want another round? It's not sex anymore...

It's the attack of the beast with two backs!

Good job, Bande!

So, who's the traitor, then?

I know who it is. I've been thinking hard about this.

Haven't lost my touch!

So?

There's just the two of you in this office!

Show me your dildos!

- None on me! - Me neither.

Nina, you're never without one.

You used this very dildo to send the microfilm abroad!

You won't get me alive!

What a twist!

Indeed, what a twat!

- The best ones always drop first. - The best ones? The best ones?

We are the best ones!

We have arranged a fantastic orgy,

to thank you for your services, and continued loyalty.

More work? More work? I'm going rod-fishing!

No, no, no...

Oh, no!

Can I hit you with my balls?

Wanna play with my balls?

So... here we go!

Come on, girls!

Why deny yourself the pleasure of seeing,

watching, discovering, feeling, touching?

The pleasure of letting all your senses take over.

Come on, suck it, yeah...

Desire can just as easily arise from a caress...

on your feet...

or on the back of your neck...

from a gentle gesture...

or from the tenderness you read in someone's eyes.

As a man, my nipples appreciate caresses as much as a woman's.

My skin pulsates so strongly there... and in many other places too.

The crotch isn't everything, although I have discovered...

a new level of sensitivity in my inner thighs.

You make love with your whole body.

Excitement spreads through my whole body.

It's not confined to my penis.

My body is still surprised as their gestures reach new depths.

I got a nice cock, eh?

Oh, yes, come on!

An erection does not convey the softness of skin.

Take this stick!

- Ouch! - In your ass, yeah!

Suck it!

Piece of trash!

Suck it, yeah!

Yes...

Yes, two for the price of one!

I'll stick it in your ass!

You're coming, eh?

I like to sniff various smells...

and to describe my excitement at length.

Rub your cunt!

I like to show off my penis at rest...

I like to win the admiration of my partner.

Does a penis necessarily have to be hard to be beautiful?

Onh, yes, like that!

- Oh, yes! - You bitch!

Here!

Take that, in your pussy!

Very nice!

Once again...

Come here, suck it!

That's good, eh?

So good...

Take this! Take this, bitch!

Suck it!

Suck!

James Bande 00Sex...

would actually prefer to masturbate from the heart...

rather than bow down to that age-old Holy Trinity...

Erection - Penetration - Ejaculation...

which never keeps its promises.

THE END