All language subtitles for Better Off Ted (2009) - S01E11 - Father, Can You Hair Me (1080p WEB-DL x265 Panda)

Veronica, quick question.

What is it with everyone and
their questions this morning?

"Where'd you learn to drive?"
"Will you marry me?"

"Why would you say that to my baby?"

Rose is running for third grade
class president...

and I had some of the guys in the print shop
whip up these campaign posters.

What do you think? Too much? Not enough?

Ted, you don't have
to go through all this.

Just say the word and the election's hers.

We did it for Iceland,
and we can do it for your kid.

Ooh, flowers.

Look at you, having a girlie moment.

- Crap on a cracker!
- And she's back.

They're from my stinking father.

I need status reports
on every product we have in the pipeline.

I should explain.

Veronica and her dad
don't have what you'd call...

a traditional father-daughter
relationship.

Veronica's father is Elijah Palmer...

C.E.O. of Digivation Industries,
one of our company's main rivals.

Digivation Industries has long been working
to develop a new, more powerful battery.

One that could last up to seven years.

Veronica and her dad are both
extremely competitive...

and have a history of stealing
products from each other's companies.

And so, I am proud to stand here today
and present to you-

Absolutely nothing.
Thank you all for coming.

It's a little cat and mouse
game they play...

instead ofhaving
a normal, healthy relationship.

Hover shoes. Brilliant.

You better take a look at this.

And every time one of them
steals an idea from the other...

the winner sends the loser
a thank-you present.

Hey, did you guys hear?

Digivation is coming out with
a new weight-loss toothpaste.

- Damn it.
- Aren't we developing something like that?

Ooh, flowers.

They really steal
product ideas from each other?

That's a whole new kind of crazy.

Well, it's a little strange,
but I'm the last one to judge.

My father and I hardly speak.
We are like oil and-

What's that thing
that's always disappointing oil?

Oh, yeah, it's me.

My dad and I totally love each other.

Oh, I'm sorry. Does your obvious pain make
that an insensitive thing to say?

No. No, I am totally fine with the fact...

that nothing I've ever done
or will do could ever please my father...

or make up for the fact that I didn't become
the plumber he so desperately wanted me to be.

Ah. I talk to my dad every week.

Well, usually my mom takes the phone,
but that's okay, 'cause I totally love her too.

- And sometimes Grandma picks up
the phone- - Oh, that's fantastic.

There's a whole lot of love
in your family and none in mine.

- You should get a"family of the year" award.
- Do they have one of those?

Because we would totally kick ass.

Just talked to Linda about her father.

Man, I am never doin' that again.

I have the best dad. All he ever wanted
was for me to have a better life than him.

So what's your deal?

My dad died when I was three.

Oh. So, he may have been a horrible man.

A horrible man who died
saving 30 people from a burning bus.

The newspaper said his last words
were that he loved me...

more than all the stars in the universe.

Now that I'm a scientist,
I know that meant...

his love was infinite and ever-expanding.

My father once got kicked out of a zoo
for giving a monkey a cigarette.

So, what's the latest
on the wrinkle cream?

- It's a disaster.
- A debacle.

- A disastacle.
- The synthetic skin grafts...

show no increase
in suppleness or elasticity.

All that's happening is
they're growing thick strands of hair.

It's like my aunt's chin
before she plucks it for church.

- This happens every time?
- Yes, we failed you. Stop screaming at us.

Guys, you didn't fail.
You're growing hair.

This is th-the holy grail
of Research and Development.

Every R & D department
in the country is looking for this.

This discovery could make us legends.

- I love when Ted's happy.
- Me too.

I know just the song
we should sing when he leaves.

We're making Ted happy
and we're going to go down in history.

God, my dad is gonna be so proud.

I'll draw up the proposal
and get the paperwork in.

If all goes well,
we can start work on this by next fall.

Next fall? We can't wait that long.

- We gotta keep movin'.
- But what about protocol?

Forget protocol.

Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork
before discovering his theory of relativity?

Actually, he was a patent clerk,
so all he did was fill out paperwork.

Guys, keep goin'. If this is successful,
we could do to the comb-over...

what Einstein did to Newtonian physics.

See? I know things about stuff.

Okay, honey, so they just introduced you.
You walk to the front of the class.

You're projecting the strength and
leadership of a future class president.

You have smartly peed beforehand,
so you're not all squirmy.

Dad, can I just say my speech
while I'm still in the third grade?

Yes. Sorry. Go ahead.

Hi, I'm Rose. Vote for me.

Please? Thank you. You're welcome.

And the crowd goes wild.
That was great.

You know, the only thing
the class president does...

is go to student council
meetings and feed the gerbil.

I don't even know if I wanna win.

The gerbil's kind of a jerk.

Of course you wanna win, honey.
You're just nervous.

But you are gonna be great.

I'm gonna go take a bath,
maybe color a little.

You know, unwind.

I always encourage Rose to dream big.

Because the only thing my father ever
encouraged me to do was be a plumber like him.

You biked all the way down here just to
tell me you want to go to Space Camp?

Come on. Try livin' here on Earth
with the rest of us, Teddy.

While I was trying to be a good dad...

Veronica's dad had gotten under her skin.

So she called the guys from
Corporate Intelligence...

to help her get some daughterly payback.

Nobody steals my weight-loss toothpaste
and gets away with it.

I want to bring him to his knees.

No, I want to steal his knees.
Can we do that?

Well, joint-stealing technology
is still years away...

but our inside guy at Digivation did give
us a lead on one of their hottest projects.

Marine mammal communication.
Lets you talk to whales. The device-

- Doesn't work.
- Dad.

Or rather, it does work, but it's useless.

Whales are shallow twits.
All they do is gossip and spread rumors.

It's like talking to teenage girls.

Well, you'd know all about that.

- Gentlemen, please excuse us.
- Yes, off you go, fellas.

There's a large woman
on the fourth floor...

with one of our listening devices
embedded in her derriere.

See if you can sniff it out.

So, obviously that whale thing is a winner,
or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.

Unless it's really a loser and I'm pretending
it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.

Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner,
when I actually know it's a loser...

because you said it was a loser
to make me think it's a winner.

So, the student becomes the master.

Or the student
has always been the master...

but wanted the master to think
the master was the master...

when he was actually just a student.

These conversations
are why your mother left us.

That, and the fact that you porked your
way through my sorority.

Look, Ted. We were able to
successfully grow hair...

on a living organism
which previously had no hair.

Behold three no-longer-bald potatoes.

We isolated
the follicle-generating compound...

and atomized it into an aerosol.

This is incredible.
I want to start testing.

But we are testing.
See, testers, testees. Testing.

You said testees.

- Oh, my God, that's hilarious.
- Guys?

Focus. I mean human testing.

Ted, we can't test it on humans.

There's a whole protocol
we have to follow.

Uh, first we have to test it on a rat,
then a bat...

- then for some reason, a hat.
- I think that started as a typo.

- Then a cat.
- Forget about it, guys.

I'm telling you, I want you
to speed this along.

- No.
- What?

He said, "No. "

At least I think that's what he said.

There's a lot of blood
rushing through my ears right now.

We are not mad scientists, Ted...

regardless of what
our bowling shirts might say.

Guys, when I ask you to do something,
I expect you to do it.

Apparently, we're standing our ground.

Fine, then I'm gonna
get you bowling shirts that say...

"boss-disappointing,
protocol-loving, un-legendary scientists. "

Veridian Dynamics.

We're working hard
to make your life better...

but our competitor, Digivation,
wants to ruin your life.

Since Digivation was founded 50 years ago,
millions have died.

Millions more have become sad.

What's your problem, Digivation?

Veridian Dynamics. Good.

Digivation. Bad.

You came here to call a truce?

Because I want things
to be different between us now.

You must be sitting on something huge.

Something so big, you can't stand the
thought of me stealing it.

There's something I need to tell you.

Ted.

Mr. Palmer?

Is that your dad?

- Why are you throwing him out of the building?
- He says he's dying.

I know it's not my place to say anything,
but my God, what is wrong with you?

You mean, why do I allow employees
to talk to me that way?

Your father is dying,
and you throw him out of the building?

Oh, please. He's not dying.

What is this, Dutch blend?
I hate Dutch blend.

And the Dutch too.
Those people are lunatics.

With their wooden shoes
and their fatty sausages.

- What about your father?
- I don't know how he feels about the Dutch, Linda.

- You'll have to ask him.
- I mean, how do you know he's not dying?

Because I know how the man works.

He's after something.
I just don't know what it is yet.

Do you know the Dutch
celebrate Christmas...

by throwing fruit at each other?

I read that once.

But what if he really is dying?

What if it's not a lie?

Like all that stuff
you just said about the Dutch?

It can't be true. People don't just-

Well, people do, but not my father.

I mean, really, it's just
not in his nature to die.

I have to check something.

Veronica, what are you doing here,
and who is this man?

This is my physician,
Dr. Something-berg.

- Rosenbaum.
- Rosenberg.

- Rosenbaum.
- Stop arguing with me. That's not why we're here.

I need to confirm
that you're full of crap, not tumors.

Well?

He's telling the truth. I'd say
he's got about a year left.

What? That's impossible.

Oh, my God. My daddy's dying.

There, there.

At least now you'll have something
to talk to your sister about...

besides all her stupid babies.

Phil and Lem have refused to move forward
on the hair growth formula...

so I stole a sample when they ran
downstairs to the ice cream truck.

I'm gonna test it on myself.

I know I'm being a little impatient...

but this project hits very close to home.

So, you made the chess team. One step closer
to your life dream of being a giant nerd.

"Ooh, look at me, I'm valedictorian. "
Whoop-de-damn-do.

Business school? The only business I care
about is the one people do in their toilets.

Tell me something, Teddy.

When are you gonna get your head
out of your butt and do something useful?

Like figure out how to make a toupee...

that doesn't go AWOL
every time I crawl under a damn sink.

All my life I've tried to make my dad
happy and I've never been able to.

Until now.

Because now I'm gonna give him
something 10 times better than a toupee.

And, no, I don't mean 10 toupees.

My dad's 60th birthday is comin' up.

I was going to give him this.

But now, I'm gonna give him this.

Hair. It worked.

We're almost out of orange juice...

and I don't want to be class president.

What? What's goin' on?

Well, I opened the refrigerator-

- Rose.
- I just don't want to spend all my recesses in meetings.

I'd rather play in the sandbox
and make mud pies.

Honey, you're just nervous.

Look, I know it's not easy, but I really
think you should stick with it.

You're gonna be
the best class president ever.

- All right.
- All right? Good.

Being better than the last one
won't be hard.

He ate pencils and kept
calling our teacher "Mommy. "

You were right, my father really is dying.

Congratulations,
cancer whisperer, you win.

Oh, Veronica, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Linda. You'll get through this.

I know I will. I'm trying to support you.

So, how are you feeling?

Oh, we're gonna talk about feelings now?

Okay. Sad.

There! It had to be felt.

Veronica, you need to spend time with him.

Do father-daughter things-
that don't involve stealing secrets.

Instead, steal his heart,
fill it with love and then give it back.

But not literally. That would be murder.

Maybe you're right.

I should connect with him
before it's too late.

Luckily, I've always
done my best work under deadlines.

And so, Veronica set out...

to have the relationship
with her father she never had.

At first, it was a little confusing.

So, they decided to do activities together.

I made a list of the advantages
and disadvantages of standing up to Ted...

because I stood up to Ted and wanted to
know if there are any advantages.

- There are none.
- That's why I tried to stop you.

Ted is like the angle opposite the
hypotenuse. He's always right.

- You did not try to stop me.
- I tried to try, but nothing came out.

My head was screaming "No!"
but my mouth was chewing gum.

I hope he's not mad at us.
We've never stood up to Ted before.

Technically, I still haven't.

Guys, I need to see you in my office.

It's about the hair growth formula.

Is it terrified in here, or is it just me?

So I snuck some of the spray
into my office...

and tried it on my arm, and it worked.

Of course it did, because we said it wasn't
ready for human testing and you said it was.

"We. " There's a lot of"we" talk happening here,
and I don't think Ted cares for it.

My desk is having a bad hair day.

That's a little weird, huh?

Incredible!

The pappi are planting themselves
on anything porous.

When you used the aerosol, the overspray
must have hit these exposed surfaces.

- You know what that means?
- Yes.

The mutant follicles
have turned parasitic...

and are generating
at an astronomical rate.

And... I was right to question Ted.

Yes, we were!

Just let me have this.

Yes, you were right to question me.

I was trying so hard
to impress my dad I lost sight of-

well, all the smooth surfaces on my desk.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

We're cool.

What's that growing out of your cuff?

Oh, that would be my new shoulder hair.

High on moral superiority...

Phil and Lem went to work trying to find a
solution to the hair in my office.

Ooh.

While Lem and Phil are looking
for a more permanent solution...

I'm just trying to keep my office from
looking like this girl I used to date.

It's a long story, but yes, she
looked like a desk with hair.

What is going on in here?

Are you shaving your office furniture?

Well, it's not gonna shave itself.

Okay, here's the deal.
There was this experiment.

Enough said. I know how those go.

Last week I had that genetically altered
koala flying around my office.

Oh, while you're here.

So-Thank you-
How are things with your father?

Well, we spent all yesterday together,
but it never felt right.

- Am I a horrible person?
- I don't know anything about fathers either.

Chasing a relationship with mine could
turn the whole world into a giant fur ball.

What my father and I had worked for us.
Why am I trying to change it?

Oh, and Ted, stop torturing your desk.

I got a Russian girl who can get that thing
bikini-ready in 20 minutes.

A few days later...

Phil and Lem figured out
a solution to the hair problem.

Mr. Palmer had also been thinking about
his new relationship with Veronica.

Uh, Mr. Palmer. I'm Linda.
I'm a friend of your-

Well, not really a friend of your daughter's,
more of a colleague.

No, I'm definitely not a colleague.
We're not equals in any way.

I guess if you forced me
to define the relationship-

Young lady, are you aware that
I have only one year to live?

I'm sorry. I just wanted to say
how great I think it is...

that you and Veronica are finally
connecting after all these years.

Thank you very much. That's very sweet.

What are you doing for lunch?

Oh, I thought you and Veronica
were going out.

Oh, yes, that's right.
Of course, we are going out.

That'll be fun.
We've been having so much... fun.

You know, every year my parents and I rent
an R.V. and go across the country.

You should try it with Veronica sometime.

Last year we saw the world's biggest
thermometer. It did not disappoint.

Oh, and we visited a town
that has a dog for a mayor.

He's the only mayor in Illinois
that when you scratch his stomach...

he looks like he's trying
to start a motorcycle.

That's on the brochure.
I think I have it here somewhere.

Wow, such a lot going on in this country.

No wonder America is trying
to eat itself to death.

- Hi, Dad. Are you ready to go to lunch?
- Yes, I thought we'd go to-

Veronica realized...

what kind of relationship
she wanted with her father-

I just need to go down the hall a minute.
I'll be right back.

Okay.

but left it up to him to decide
what kind he wanted with her.

And so they agreed to spend their remaining
time together doing what they enjoyed most.

Send them back
with a dozen smiley face cookies.

He just blew millions of dollars...

developing a hair product
that's technically a parasite.

And I realized that rather than trying...

to change something
about my father that I couldn't...

better to focus on being
a better dad than my old man...

and accept my kid for who she is
and what she wants.

Honey, you don't have
to run for class president...

if you don't want to.

- Really? I can quit?
- Mm-hmm.

To play in the mud?
You're the best dad ever.

Sure, I wanted Rose
to be class president...

but it's not something
she wanted for herself.

And, come on, we all heard
her campaign speech.

And as for whether my dad
likes my gift or not...

I'm really not gonna worry about it.

English - US - SDH