All language subtitles for EDDIE_IZZARD_SEXIE

(Cheering and applause)

(Bird call)

(Applause stops)

So, Eastbourne.
Hey, you crazy motherfuckers.

I used to go to school here,
this is the school uniform that we wore

and kind of funky it was, too.

OK, I'd better explain the tits. Erm...

Didn't have those at school -
wanted to, but not in the school curriculum,

even though I asked.

Didn't really - would have got
my head kicked in. Oh, yes, sir.

Erm, er... So, the breasts thing -
as a transvestite, it's my job, right?

Just wearing breasts. That's it.
There's nothing... Don't get hung up about it.

When I first came out, I was with breasts,
mit breasts as the Germans say.

Avec breasts, con breasts...

Being a European, I know these languages.

That's the first thing I say whenever
I get to France, Germany and Spain...

or South America even.

Um, but I was with... It didn't seem to work.

Not matter how much make-up or
how high the heels, people said, "Yes, sir?

"Would you like tea with that, sir?"

"Yes, I would.
Why don't you put it on my breasts?"

"Certainly. T ea for this man's breasts.
Anything else?"

"Just fuck off, will you?"

So I thought, "It's not working."

I threw my beasts out of the window
of my Lamborghini...

in my mind.

I threw the breasts out of
the window of my Ford Fiesta...

in my mind.

Actually, I threw them over
the handlebars of my bicycle.

(Mouths)

And they hit a small child

who ran home,
"Mum! I've been attacked by jellyfish.

"Jellyfish drive-by shooting.

"It's just like South Central LA." "Huh?"

"Jellyfish attacked me!"
"Where are the tentacles?"

"Probably burned up on re-entry.

"Probably from Mars, Mum. Can I keep them
and shove them up my jumper?"

So I was sans breasts, ohne breasts
or whatever the other one is

and then I thought, "No, I have breast envy."

Freud wrote about penis envy,
which I don't understand, actually.

I'm sort of penis neutral.

Penis... What's not envy and then...
What's the opposite of envy?

- What? What?
- (Woman shouts indistinctly)

What? Ambivalent? Yes, very good.

Envy? Penis ambivalence? Yes. Very nice.

Well done, Eastbourne.
A bit more voice but good. What?

- (Woman) I'm Welsh!
- You're Welsh? Fantastic! That's great.

I'm European. I know that causes...

And so are you. We all...

(Growls)

♪ There'll always be a China ♪

Now, so... Ambivalent and Welsh,

I don't know how they go together
but very good heckle.

I have penis ambivalence. Thank you.

Or is there one in the middle?
I have penis nonchalance really.

I'm very nonchalant about my penis.
I try and wear a pair of trousers occasionally

or a skirt or whatever,
and don't just wave it at the vicar.

It seems to throw him.

On... In... On his Lamborghini.
In his Lamborghini...

Fucked that up.

That's the trouble with ad-libbing,
you can fuck up. It's danger.

You've got an element of danger
and nonchalance

or ambivalence

or penis.

There's four sides to it.
It's one of those things you get at school.

(Mumbles)..ambivalence.

Lamborghini.

I used to do those! I can't remember what...
Who you would kiss, I seem to remember.

And only certain people knew
how to make them and they were wizards.

They could command things.

"I tell you must die." "Oh, fuck."

And it's passed down,
like the ability to make paper aeroplanes,

that gets passed down.

I know how to make a really good one,
probably taught that up the road,

a very good model aeroplane.

I think it was there.

Might have been Wales cos I was in Wales.
I've been everywhere.

Very well-travelled when I was a kid.
My dad said, "Go. Go where you want."

"I'm going to Wales, Dad."

I did. I did, I cycled to Wales.

From here. From Bexhill.

- (Silence)
- OK.

I did and got all the way there and
on the way back I got bored and took a train.

That's me, the crowds were smaller
and, what's the point...

That's too weird that joke, isn't it?

That's too nonchalant-slash-ambivalent

slash-penis-slash-ooh-painful.

- Erm...
- (Audience member braying)

Don't laugh like that, please.

What the hell...? The breast thing!

So then I thought,
"I'll go back and get some breasts."

So I went to the breast shop,
which is in your local high street,

"Pair of your finest breasts." It's like that
scene in Harry Potter, with John Hurt.

"Why not a pair of these?"

"Yeah."

"I think not those breasts, Mr John Hurt."

"Maybe the double-Ds would suit you?"

So that was good
and they do have advantages.

I hear you scream,
"What advantages?" Silently.

For guys with tits,
you lose weight immediately.

Your chest is bigger
and you have this concave thing going on,

quite apart from the fucking corset.

And people go, "You've lost weight!"
"No, I've got big tits."

"Ahhh. Thought it was
a haircut or something."

So that's good. You can pull your boobs out
and strap them round your ears in a plane,

with a bandage, cuts the noise down.

"Sorry? Beg your pardon?"

There's always a child crying
on an aeroplane, it's the law now.

(lmitates wailing baby)

Even if there's no child crying,
they go, "Who's got children?"

"Right, come on." "I don't wanna go!

"I don't wanna go to Denver!"
"You're coming to Denver.

"Sit there. Keep crying." (Wails)

"If you stop, I'll use the fork."

If you've been on a plane,
no knives any more.

Just that plasticky knife,
which seems a bit sharp to me.

But the fork, a metal, lethal weapon.
No one could do any harm with that.

If they stuck a fork in your jugular,
you'd be, "Fine, thank you!

"No, no real pain. There's a..."

Zzzz...

"..Iack of blood problem."

The forks, they'll go soon.

There'll just be a spoon and people
will be attacking us with spoons.

Then they'll take the spoon away
and it'll just be cheese.

"The cheese things..."

We do get crap meals on planes.

T o an extent, you get on and you start...
It all becomes so precious.

"Ohhh...the cheese!

"The salad! Oh, the salad."

And the little individual thing in your...

"Can I have more?

"More nibbly? Only one packet?
They're very small nibblies.

"40 minutes in the air with a small packet?
I can eat 100 of these fuckers. More!

"I've paid to come on the plane.
I want more nibblies than this.

"I've got an allergy to them
and I still want them."

Remember nuts? We ate nuts like crazy
then they went, "No nuts,"

cos people exploded or something.

Breasts, you've heard of breast implants?
These are not implants.

They're nice and squidgy.
They're ims but they're not planted.

They're just ims, your regular,
common or garden ims.

And, er... You've heard, on a plane,
that implants explode?

And that is...true, it happened to me.

Over 30,000 feet, you find...

"Yeah, I know what you mean..."

(Pops)

"Sorry about this."

Bong!

"Yes, my left breast has...exploded.

"Have you got a pillow or...?

"Oh...and some more nibbly things?"

But then you got one L-cup boob
and a D-cup boob and you get a lot of looks.

I already get a lot of looks.

By the end, I've got the fork... (Pops)

Bong.

"Another pillow."

You go off with
the biggest tits in Christendom,

as the Crusaders used to say.

Now, that all went wrong, the Crusaders.

They went down... "What a mess!"

- Thank God for Saladin, eh?
- (No response)

- It's very 1 3th century, that joke.
- (Laughter)

Or should I say 1200s?

Isn't that just the bane of history?

When they say 13th century, you haven't
got a clue what they're talking about.

If they say 1 3th century,
it's nothing to do with the 1300s

but you immediately go into slow motion.

"In the 13th century,
King Dingle Dang exploded his bottom..."

You're going, "13th century,
so that's not the 1300s, it's the 12..."

"And King Dingle Dangle
then invaded his own buttocks..."

"..14th, it's either the 12th or the 14th...

"We have to go back to the naughth century
and that's the first century..."

"..then he went to China
and bought a packed lunch."

"So it must be the 1200s! What?"

My idea, radical as it may be, is to say
if it's the 1200s, it's the 12th century.

Why the fuck not?

Then loads more people
would sign up for history.

Everyone would go, "I wanna do history!
Tell me, who was Saladin?

"Did he do salads?
Is it a cooking programme?"

- (Muted audience reaction)
- Should be funnier. OK...

He was doing lslamic cooking jokes,
for fuck's sake.

I ad-libbed it as well.

Why am I writing on my finger?

No one cares.

But, all that's true and the other thing
and that proves some of my theories.

Erm... Where the fuck was l?
What was I talking about?

Breasts! Yes, I know generally.
How far down the breast line...

Yes! Exploding in aeroplanes.
True, true, true. Except for the lies.

Now... Also, you can grab your boobs -
I haven't seen women do this -

when you're talking to officials, I find it very...

"What? How fast was I going?

"I don't even have a car.

"70mph on a scooter's very tricky."

Or bank managers.
"I think £400 is not a lot to ask for.

"Don't you think it's not a lot?"

Bank manager's going,
"Yes, there's a million pounds.

"Get out of it, you big-breasted boy."

And also, I have decided
to associate with superheroes

because we like superheroes,
we have a human thirst for superheroes.

We have the X-Men, the Y-Men,
the B-Men, the C-Men...

No, probably not them.

Spider-Man, Superman,
Catman, Batman, Dogman, Frogman.

Elephant Man - not a superhero.

Less in the girls' department -
there's Wonder Woman

and there's Supergirl
and Catwoman, she's sexy.

Fit women in tight clothing,
there should be more of that.

As a male lesbian,
I'm totally in flavour of that.

So that's now, superheroes,
and it goes all the way back to the Greeks.

Greek heroes, tons of them.
Achilles, Greek hero with the Achilles...

The Achilles ankle...
Achilles what? Achilles ankle?

- (Audience) Heel.
- Heel, yeah! Sorry.

Achilles had the Achilles heel

but I don't think it was like,
if you flick it, he'd drop dead.

I think it was more like a funny elbow
and he had a wobbly if you got him.

"Ah, ah, ah!" (Banging) "Ah! Ow, fuck!"

And then he'd fall on a spike.

Agamemnon, he had an Agamemnon neck.

That was his weak spot. If you caught him
with an axe just there, he didn't like it.

And as his head rolled off,
he'd go, "Ooh, bugger."

And he'd go into emergency chicken mode
♪ Den den der, den den der... ♪

Chickens do that,
as soon as their head's off.

They lean in as they do that circle,
keeps them going - centrifugal force.

Basic physics. ♪ Den den der... ♪

Chickens are going,
"What to do? Got no head.

"Got no head. I can't think, I can't think!

"I have no head, that's why.

"Er...

"Invade Birmingham.
No! I've lost all my strategic sense."

Fucking chicken. "I'm not doing
circles any more. What am I doing?"

Chicken undertakers have a hell of a time.

"Here lies Steve the chicken,

"who died 23 July, 1 927

"at 3:30pm.

"3:35p...

"Four... About four o'clock...

"in the... Later that day.

"Here he... Er...

"Not actually buried here
cos he's a chicken and we ate him.

"If only he could pull the wishbone
and make a wish.

- (Silence)
- "That should be funnier.

"Anyway, that's all from me.

"I think my job's a weird job.

"Speak to you soon, love from Kenny.

"PS. My thumb hurts."

So Agamemnon, Ajax - he was also there.

He was like the cleaner,
like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction.

And... And then King Menelaus,
who was like a sponge cake.

There! Got a groan. That got a groan.

Yes, I heard. That was a groaner.
King Many Layers, shouldn't have used that.

I didn't, that was someone else.

Is that your shoulder or what?

We'll cut all this out,
cut the whole show out up to now.

Now we'll start, OK?

Um... Hang on.

Scratch.

If you're wearing a skirt,
you shouldn't scratch, girls never do,

or go to the loo, or is that the Royal family?

The Royal family never go to the loo,
they just store it up

and then just before they die they go...

"Yeah, the Queen's dead."

Just came to me. I'm just ad-libbing.
It probably doesn't happen that way.

There's probably other people
who have tubes and things.

Don't even go there.
Don't go there. You filthy...

Anyway...

What? It's a glove puppet.

Yes, so, on the Trojan side
you've got Helen who says...

Paris seems like a personal shopper to me,
with a name like that.

"I've just been there
and got new socks and everything

"and I found this woman, Helen."

How did he get her to go?
"Come on, Helen, let's go."

"It might cause a rumpus."

"I don't think so. Come on."

Fucking hell! What a rumpus.

"Dad, found this woman." "Where from?"

"From Sparta."

"Oh, you twit. Nip upstairs,
see if there are any ships on the horizon."

(lmitates rapid footsteps)

Ooh, I've gone dizzy.

"Ships. Yeah, there's ships."

"Well, how many?" "All of them."

"You fucking nutter!

"You've got all the Greeks,
who don't actually exist yet as a unity,

"they're all coming.

"The Spartans, the Athenians
and all the other guys,

"who'll later have a civil war
just after the Second World War."

"You know your future history." "I do."

"But, Dad, she's such a bonzer woman
and I want to shag her brains in."

"Well, good reason.
Come on, let's make a horse out of clay."

So, and that was written up as a book.

The whole story,
it was called Oh, Fucking Hell

and What A Mistake.

And Odysseus was there.
Odysseus, who did the Odyssey.

If he was Jonathan,
he would have done a Jodyssey.

And he didn't fight. "Go on, just kick them."

"Help us, Odysseus." "I can't.

"I've got this Odyssey
I'm gonna do on the way back.

"I've already sold the rights for the book."

"You lazy bastard."
And he did, he had a huge adventure.

There was the pig that got lost in the maze,
not a pig, a big cow, wasn't it?

I haven't read this bit in Edith Hamilton.

And there's a guy with one eye,
called One-Eyed Guy, and...

blue otters or something.

And the island, the island with the sirens,

who are beautiful women
who would sing to attract sailors.

♪ Come over here

♪ In your ships

♪ We are naked, shaggable women

♪ Sail your ships over here

♪ And we're shagging each other
at the moment

♪ Ahh... ♪ "A bit flat, Susan."

♪ We've got very good parking for ships

♪ Thing, things
and just fucking get over here ♪

We're not sure what the song was
but it could have been...

(Shrieking) ♪ Come over here

♪ Won't you come? ♪

And the sailors would come over
and crash on the rocks and die

and the women'd go, "Ha ha ha-ha".

Which is a very girly trick.

I heard about it at school.
When I grew up as a boy, against my will,

it was very much a violent sort of... Ahhh.

I wouldn't have fights, I'd argue.

I'd go, "No, United Nations say
I'm a special case,"

and stop getting beaten up that way.

But girls would do the mind control thing,
it seems, of, "We're not talking to her."

Which is completely evil.

Boys just do violence,
which is stupid and blockheaded.

But anyway, that whole bloody...
I don't know if it was a lesbian island

but it sounds fantastic anyway...

They were sirens, they were probably
standing on the cliff going...

(lmitates air-raid siren)

"A bit flat, Susan." (Continues with siren)

Or maybe they were going...
(Staccato alarm noise)

(Pulsing alarm, police siren)

(Bubbling siren, rapid pips)

And Odysseus sailing by going,
"Someone's trying to break into that island."

- (Applause)
- (lmitates roaring engine)

Probably not on a speedboat. Probably
a rigging boat with a big steering wheel,

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

Or on a bicycle, "Someone's
trying to break into that island."

Or swimming,
"Someone's trying to break into that island."

Or water-skiing, "Someone's trying
to break into that island. Row, you fuckers."

- This is for the DVD. Different endings.
- (Laughter and applause)

Cartwheel. "Someone's trying to..."

Or someone playing cricket.

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

Football.

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

T oo many endings. OK.

So, that was fun, though.

And, and, and, and then there was Perseus.

Perseus was a Greek hero.
Son of Zeus, Per-Zeus, you see?

Per-Zeus. Through. Per-Zeus.
Per-Zeus. Perseus. Per-Zeus.

Perseus. Per-Zeus. Perseus. Per-Zeus.

This is a new form of teaching called
shouting at people until they agree.

He was a son of Zeus, anyway,
and his wife... Mother... Hole in the ground.

And, er...what happens?
All the Greek myths,

it looks like they were written by someone
with an enormous bag of weed.

Going... "And then the green monkeys,
who lived in a sponge cake,

"all decided to dress up
as an enormous tart and..."

It just goes on and on.

Perseus goes to a wedding.
A king, who's getting married, says,

"Where's my present?"
"Oh, I forgot. What about tissues?"

"Where's my present?"
"Oh, I forgot. What about tissues?"

"What I want is the head of Medusa,
who's a Gorgon from the cheese family.

"Bring me her head."
"What's she look like?"

"Snakes for hair
and if you look at her, you turn to stone."

"All right, no problem.

"Does she get chatted up a lot?"
"Not really."

"I'll go and get her. Just the head?"

"Yeah. And a wing, maybe a leg.
Maybe some fries as well."

"Freedom fries?" "Fuck off."

He goes, "Where's Medusa live?"

"Go to the island
where the grey women live.

"Three grey women who have one eye
between them that they swap round.

(lnhales sharply) "And then..."

It's in there, you read it.

And then he was advised to grab the eye
when they were passing it around.

"Where's the fucking eye?
I've got to go to the loo."

"Where's the eye?" "I've got it."

"Oh, bum! The visitor's got it."

"T ell me where Medusa lives."
"Lives at number 23."

"All right. There's your eye.
Fucking lost it. Hang on.

"That's a marble.

"That's a sheep's eye! That's weird."

- (Muted laughter)
- Should be funnier.

So he goes and there's three Gorgons.
You don't remember the other two, do you?

Medusa, she lost her head
but she got well known for it.

The other two, Fred and Jim or something.

Medusa's going, "He's coming to kill us!"

And the other two are immortal,
which is kind of handy.

"He's not coming to kill us."
"He might kill you."

"No, I'm immortal."

"Are you? What about you, Andrew?"

"No, I'm immortal, too."

"Simon, Andrew, both immortal?

"Where was l
when the immortality van came by?"

"You were off buying snake food."

(Hisses)

"Bloody hell. Eh?

"I'm going down the hairdressers."

How did she get her hair done?
In the morning, our hair's all over the place

and we sort the hair out.

Her hair's all over the place all day.
Probably wakes up before her.

"Put a video about mice on the telly,
the fucking snakes are up."

Hairdressers hate her.
"Bloody hell, it's Medusa.

"So, what... What... You f...

"Calm down. Can you tell your hair
to calm the fuck down?

"Bloody... Hey! Get me a hairbrush.

"Janine, can you shampoo?"

"Not on your life."

"Just a trim was it?

"Do your roots?"

So, in the end, Perseus gets given
magic things cos the gods like him

and he gets a magic hat, magic trousers

and a magic...tractor and loads...

Magic purse, it's very camp.

And he ends up killing Medusa
using a reflective surface,

cos you can't look at her,

so he's got a shield to attack
but a shield is concave

and therefore inverts the image,
like in a Box Brownie,

not only reflects it but inverts the image.
How do you attack using that?

You'd be going...

"Could you stand still, please?

"Are you immortal?
You're one of the immortal ones?

"Hi, Simon, how are you?

"Is your sister in?

"No, no reason.
All right, I'll come back later."

Crazy story. And there's a winged horse
and everything.

So, what is my point? My point is...is that...

the reason of the superhero thing,
the link, transvestites and superheroes,

is because we have a big similarity -

both superheroes and transvestites
have to change before we help people.

We have to change clothes
before we help people.

Except transvestites
don't actually help people

but apart from that, fantastic similarity.

"Help! A small child is hurt!
Help us, Superman." (Whooshing)

"What's the problem?"
"He's got a grazed knee."

"You want Savlon on that,
then a plaster over the top.

"Are there any others?" "No, just him."

"Was it an earthquake?"
"No, he fell off his bike."

"I don't normally come out for bicycles.
That would have mended itself."

"We just wanted to meet you really.

"Why do you wear your underwear
on the outside?"

"I don't normally get out of bed
for less than a helicopter crash."

"It's just his bike.
Can you mend the front wheel?"

"No, fuck off."

"Why do you wear your pants on the..."
"It saves on shopping. Washing."

(Laughter and applause)

"That second answer got
a much better reaction than the first."

"The first one was wrong.

"The second one got a huge reaction,
as if I'd just won the World Cup."

That's Superman,
compared to Captain Transvestite.

"Help us, Captain Transvestite!
A child is hurt." (Whooshing)

Actually, no, it's... (Whoosh)
Then there's 20 minutes to get changed.

(Humming) Oh, Christ!

I look like a bloke.

"What, what, what, what?"
"He's dead.

"The kid's dead now."
"I came as fast as I could."

"Yeah, well, gangrene's set in."
"That's bloody quick."

"He fell in a lump of gangrene, you see."

"I came as fast..."
"You were 20 minutes."

"I had a glass of wine but..."
"Superman doesn't have a glass of wine."

"He might, he might have fuel-injected
wine into his body, you don't know."

"It's true, I don't actually.
But he's dead now, completely dead."

"I've got a lipliner."
"What the fuck's that gonna do?"

"Draw a line around him for the police."

(Humming) Fingers. Fingers.

Fin... He's got too many fingers.

That's not a human...
♪ Martian child, Martian child

♪ Lying here, Martian child

♪ Comes from Mars, not from here

♪ Martian child

♪ Good at cooking... ?

They would, Martians would make excellent
cooking programme people.

Martians, fabulous cooking programme -
you'd tune in.

I think I can take that as a huge silent yes.

I should be a politician -
"I hear your silence and take it as yes!

"This silence is no, because I wish it to be."

But Mars - it came to visit us -
Mars, the Red Planet.

It came so close to the Earth.

If you stood on your house with a car aerial

and you had a frog on the end
with a long tongue

who had a stick insect on the end of that

and the stick insect was holding
one of those tape measures

you used as a sword when you were a kid -

and you'd...and it'd go...
cos you had to make it a certain size.

If you had all that and you waggled it around
you could almost touch Mars

if you were mad.

Yeah, it didn't... It's 35 million miles away.

That was a long bloody way away.

I wanna be woken up
when Mars is... (Drones)

(Lower-pitched drone)

That's the noise you need, isn't it?

You know when those spaceships go by
in sci-fi films.

(Low-pitched drone)

"Mum, Mars is at the kitchen window! Look!

"Number 23's gone.

"Medusa's had it."

I want Mars to be so close
I can nip out in the garden, leap up

and then Mars's gravity will grab you.

Pff, bung, pff, bung, pff, bung, pff...

"Kids, nip outside for a bit of pff-bung."

"All right, Mum." Pff, bung, pff...

"Mum, Johnny's stuck on Mars!"

"We'll catch him next time round."

"How long does it take
for Mars to go round?"

"About dot dot dot.

"Don't know." "How long?

"How long...? What's a Martian day?"

- How long?
- (Man) A week.

A week? Is it a week?

Somebody pass that on. Was that a week?

- Yeah?
- (Audience) Yeah.

"Whatever I said. A week."

Edit that together, you see.

But I find it exciting.

I don't know about you
but I do find that Mars coming to...

It went from one pinprick in the sky
to three pinpricks in the sky.

I was in Los Angeles then, driving around
in my Lamborghini - in my mind.

I was going around on a pogo stick
in Los Angeles and...

In my mind. I was actually in Eastbourne
in a Lambor... No, I wasn't.

I was on Mars, looking at Earth. Oh, fuck it.

I don't know but it went from a little pinprick
to three pinpricks and I went...

Ah-ha-ha! Oh, no, there it is. Ah!

But it's exciting in a sort of tedious-type way.

It's exciting in a kind of, "Oh, fuck off."

Because they went to the moon,
the Americans and the Russians.

Remember? Russia was ahead.

Russia was first up and then America.
Russia went round the Earth.

Russia got a fish, a dog, a cat,
a monkey, a tractor up there and...

they were going to the moon -
who's going to be first?

Then Russia went,
"I don't wanna go to the moon.

"I'm fed up anyway,
never wanted to go there..."

Maybe they thought, "There's only rocks
there." But with a Russian accent.

(Garbled) "There's only rocks there
on the marsh, you know."

I've borrowed this accent from a shop.
I'm not sure if it's right.

(Garbled) "Only grey rocks they have
on the moon, you know?"

(Rural Scots accent)
"Do you think so?" "I think so.

"I think it is pointless for us to go there.

"For we will find only grey rocks

"and we'll waste a load of cash
that could be spent on vodka."

"Aye, I'm thinking too...

"we have become Scottish."

- "Aye, from the north of the Highlands."
- (Applause)

What the fuck was that first accent?

But they went... Mars,
there's not much up there, red rocks.

On the moon there's grey rocks,

on Mars there's red rocks
and that's a bit boring.

It's like archaeology, you know?

I mean, that's a slow thing, isn't it?

It can't be speeded up -
it's got three vowels in the middle.

Arch-a-e-o-logy. What's going on there?

Did someone just unload
a bunch of vowels in the middle of it?

Cos that's where you get your accents -
accents are all changes in vowels.

A, ah, oh, ee, oh, eye, ee, oo-ar...ooh.

It's not the consonants, they're always...

(Clicking)

But archaeology - arch-oo-ar-ah-ology.

As you go round the country

it's archaeology,
arch-oo-logy, arch-ee-olog-ah...

Some of these counties don't exist,
of course... Erk-ulo-geh, urkee-uh-yaya.

"Oh, you're doing a bit of archee-olo-dah?"

Ork-ee-olog-ah.

But we have Time T eam -
speed archaeology.

Archaeologists on the drug speed
and that's what you want.

Speed this fucking thing up. Dig, dig.

Cos the normal stuff's slow.
"We've found stuff!"

"What have you found?"
With my circular thing.

"Well, give us a toothbrush
and ten years and we'll tell you."

"Give you a toothbrush
and ten years and you'll tell me?

"Are you captain of the alliteration club?"

- (Audience slow to laugh)
- Four, five, six. Yes.

It's just Time T eam, I like that -
three days, dig stuff up.

"Fucking dig. Dig! Dig it up! Dig it up!"

"What the fuck is it? Keep work..."
"I've dug a big hole.

"It's Greek, it's Spanish, it's Venezuelan.
I don't know, it's some dead guy."

I like it and I went and helped them.

I love Time T eam
and I saw ten episodes of it and...

No, I've seen episodes for ten years
of Time T eam

and they had the celeby-come
and-dig-a-ditchie-type thing.

And I really... I hadn't dug a ditch all my life.

I've never dug a ditch.
I never did much ditch digging, you know?

I did sand castles, then I dug that fucking...

Nothing in it, and that's true archaeology.

Sometimes there's nothing in there.

Except some worms going,
"Have you seen Medusa?"

"No, I haven't."
"We are her hair in later years."

"Really. Do you do a tight perm?"

"Yes, we can."

When I came out as a transvestite
I thought I should get a perm,

so I went to lslington
and they gave me rollers like this.

I remember these big
Cindy Crawford-type rollers

and these were tiny things, old lady rollers.

I came out looking like a bizarre footballer.

That was not a good day.

But I so thought it was right I went back
and said, "Give me another one.

"Haven't you got bigger rollers?"
"No, there are none bigger than that."

True but kind of boring story.

So, yes...

Er... What was I talking about?
Yes, the archaeology thing.

So I dug this ditch
and there was nothing in it.

And that was true, that was archaeology.

Actually, I wanted to find
a hoard of Roman coins,

a sword or a Viking helmet.

And I realised,
I'm not into archaeology, I'm into piracy.

That's what I wanted to find! Piracy!

Which is what the Vikings were,
that's what Viking means.

And they were brilliant, cos they took over
the whole of eastern England

and up in Scotland as well.

A lot of their language -
kiosk, that's a Viking word.

And it came from when
they'd rape and pillage

and awful, and blood everywhere
and limbs hacked and money stolen,

then they'd say, "If you have enjoyed today

"you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk,

"which is just down on the beach.
Thank you. Thank you."

So, anyway... So, I was talking about people
who have to change before they help.

There's a third group - firefighters.
They change clothes.

And we like them.
We pull over in our cars.

Soon as we hear... (lmitates siren)

You look up in the mirror - "Fire".

You look out the window,
on the front of the van you see "Erif".

Fire. Erif. And you almost go,
"Get the erif van out of the way!

"Let the firefighters through!"

Then the police come and you see "Police"
and you look out and see...

"Ecilop".

"Get out of the way, ecilop!

"Ecilop one-eyed monster.
Let the police through."

Then the ambulance comes...

and that's good.

That's a good thing too.

But the police, I think we pull over
more reluctantly for the police.

Cos there's good cop-bad cop,
there's politics involved,

sometimes they beat up the wrong person.

Firefighters - no politics, you just...

"Godspeed!" And they go, "Which god?"

"Any of them. The Buddhist gods."

"They don't have gods."
"Well...technical!"

"And he wouldn't go very fast,
he's a big lad."

"Yes. Just fuck off.

"I mean, in a nice way."

But they never have
good firefighter-bad firefighter.

"Hitler and Nelson Mandela are trapped!"

They get them both out, you know? Equality.

"Come on, Hitler, Nelson.
Actually - hang on, Hitler - Nelson.

"Nelson Mandela, give him a cup of tea.

"Hitler, hang on, I've got to...
I've got a stone in my shoe.

"I've just... I'll be right... Just hang on.
Keep your moustache on.

"Oh, he's all burnt up.

"Oh, tragedy.

"Oh, well, la-di-da."

Annie Hall meets Hitler's last days
in the bunker. La-di-da.

Well, no more tennis for me.

- (Feeble laughter)
- Very funny joke.

So, yes, the firefighters have a slidey pole.

All firefighters do. In England,
China, Venezuela, Afghanistan...

Slidey pole, to get them from the first floor
to the ground floor quickly.

I thought, why not have
a room on the ground floor?

Cos the fire engine would be here
and you'd be sitting next to it going,

"I know what you mean,
Steve, but..." (lmitates alarm)

"Fire!" (Whooshes)

This would be the response time.

0.2 of a nanosecond.

On the first floor it's inefficient.
20 guys - "Fire! Fire!"

"Down the slide! Form a queue!

"Go! Go! Go! Jump! Push him!

"He's got his leg stuck now!

"Twist the... Pull his...
Use your axe, cut it. Hack his...

"I'm going in the lift."
"Never go in a lift in a fire."

"You're right. It's not here..."

It's not efficient, is it?

Now it obviously hearkens back
from years ago in the 1 9th century -

1 800s -

that...when they didn't have
motorised fire vehicles,

they had vehicles pulled by horses
or marmots or vermin or whatever.

Panthers, sometimes.

(Growling)

"The fire was put out and seven people died
cos panthers ate them."

But apparently - those are all lies -
but the horse thing,

apparently they put the thing in because
the horses tried to get up the stairs,

so they had to put a pole in
so they couldn't...

(High voice) "No, let us up!
We wanna play canasta!

"Come on, let us up,
we're good at blackjack too."

They're going, "Get down, horses!

"The horses are trying to play cards.
Get out!"

"No, let us up, let us up,
we've got a weird voice."

I don't know how to do a horse voice.

(Deep voice) "Hello."

"Let us up or I'll blow the hair off
my chinny-chin-chin."

"That's copyright!" "I don't know."

Erm... Yes, so that's true.

That sounds stupid but it's true.
The horses used to try and get upstairs.

I made it up as a piece of rubbish
and I asked a firefighter

and he said, "They used to go up the stairs.
Horses would come upstairs."

Not to play cards necessarily.

But I think firefighters
should just come upfront and say,

"There's no reason for a slidey pole
but we want one."

And we'd go,
"Have one, have more, have several.

"Have a big snakes and ladders house,
so the bell goes ding-a-ling."

(Whooshing)

One outside the building.

Double-turn and pike and twist and...

Into an open-top fire engine.

(lmitates rewing engine)

Put on the siren.

♪ Come to me

♪ Bring your ships upon the shore

♪ We've got parking, naked women... ♪

"That's the Greek siren, you idiot!
Not supposed to play that till the way back."

They have a bag of cats by the window
and throw them out.

One by one. That's why you get that noise.

Mee-owww...

Mee-owww... (Drops in pitch) Mee-owww...

And it just so happens that Dr Doppler
was sitting in his car one day...

Mee-owww... Mee-owww...
"You see the change in notes of cats?

"This is a very interesting effect

"that I have been studying now
for the last two minutes and...

"I will write a paper on this."
"What will you call it?"

"I will call it
The Change In Note Of Cats Effect."

"You should call it the Doppler effect

"then people would shag you."

"Yes. Yeah, for my parents. Yes.
Good idea.

"Not for the shagging - which is just fun.

"But it's worked well for you,
Professor Pavlov."

"Yeah, mainly dogs though,
they tend to get you on the...

"All rather embarrassing really.

"I wish I'd never rung those fucking bells.

"Drive me crazy -
dogs keep eating everything!

"Down the dog-food shop, driving me nuts."

(Sighs)

The thing I was talking about,
the superhero thing, it's fear -

I've tried to push fear back,
as a transvestite, push fear back.

People give me shit in the street, they go,
"Hey, what's the fuckin'..." All this.

I've learnt martial arts since I had a big fight.

I'm a black belt in sashimi.

If you know sushi
it's like that but it's sashimi.

You fling raw fish at people.

Salmon, salmon, tuna,
salmon, salmon, tuna.

The white one that's horrible.

It gives you ten seconds of shock
when they're going, "What the fuck?

"This is fish."

And when they're in the "What...?"
you go, "Wasabi!" (Whooshes)

Big ball of wasabi down the throat.

(Whimpering)

So that can work.
I encourage you to try that if you're insane.

Also I'm a black belt in fukendo,
which is basically swearing at people.

"Fuck off, you fucking asshole."

And never say, "Come over here
and say that," cos they tend to.

So stupid. But to get out of that just say,
"Now go over there and say that.

(Mumbles)
"Now come over here and say that!

(Mumbles)
"Now go over there and say that.

"Now go to Venezuela and say that."
(Mumbles)

When they're in Venezuela you can escape.

But it is, it's this fear thing.
Show no fear, and...

And it's like animals, like sharks,

sharks can smell blood,
hear blood, taste blood.

And hear - no, they've got no ears,
have they?

Sharks' ears are so swept back they can
only hear things right at the back.

They comb their ears back.

Sharks are evil fucking beasts,
they're protected but they're evil...

Those eyes are useless, they're transfers,

they're from an Airfix model, just...

So you can go up to a shark and go,
"Blah-la-la,"

and they won't take offence.

It's the nose - the nose is sonar.
It's complete, like a... Bong! Bing!

They send out pings... Ping.

Probably not pings, could just be...
Blub-bu-lub...

But if you bang them on the nose,

if you get near a shark, you know,
off the coast of Eastbourne,

great big shark,
then hit him on the nose, they go, "Whoa!"

They don't know where you are,
or kiss their nose they get all friendly.

Or if you stick your finger
in their nostril they go... "Aaaaah!"

If you don't believe me,
do it to the person sitting next to you.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

I've seen a picture in National Geographic!

A guy with his finger - I'm not sure
if it's the nostril but that flappy bit...

I don't know if sharks ever go... A-choo!

"I get this... So sorry."

But they're mean and they've got teeth,
but they are protected.

The great white shark, a protected species

because if they all die there won't be
any huge murdering beasts in the sea.

Which I think is a good thing, isn't it?

Anyway, forget them. But...

Dogs are interesting,
with dogs l, again, I show no fear,

I put my hand in front of their mouth
to show I'm not scared about biting

and the dogs never, ever,
except occasionally, bite me.

But if they do try to bite me I pull away

and then I pull back
so the dogs are now upside down.

They're going... And I undercut them

and they come underneath and over the top

and I spin round
until the dog is going round in circles

then I throw in towels
and it does a good tumble dry.

1 5 minutes. A bit arduous.

But a lot of dogs are not too bright.

The bright dogs were with the Egyptians
in the early days.

They're on their walls, you know?

I think they were from another planet
and they went, "Woof, woof...

"..pointy things... Woof, woof... Bye."

And off in a spaceship.
They left behind dogs going, "Huh?"

Like greyhounds,
greyhounds are not too sharp.

They get put in a cage once a week
and they go,

"What am I doing in a cage?
What have I done?"

(Whooshes) "Bunny rabbit!
Bunny rabbit, bunny rabbit!"

And they should be going, "Déjà vu!

"I've chased this bloody rabbit before.

"Have you seen this rabbit?"

But you look in a greyhound's eyes
as they're chasing,

they're just "Bunny rabbit!"
T otal focus. "Bunny rabbit!"

They should have the cameras
on the dogs after,

they'll be going, "That's the fastest
fucking bunny rabbit I've ever seen!"

"Have you ever caught the bunny rabbit?
Stevie? Jimmy? Harry?"

"T oo fast.
It's like they're nailed to a railway line!

"T oo fucking fast."

There should be one dog
bright enough to go, "Let him go!

"Let the fucking bunny rabbit go.

"I'll tell you why, I've got a plan.

"I think if we stay right here

"and we let that bunny rabbit go...

"that bunny rabbit there,
he's gonna come back round.

"He is - look, he's coming round,
here he comes, here he comes...

"All right, everyone look casual!" (Whistling)

(lmitates motor whirring)

(Bangs) "Ow! For fuck's sake!

"He's got a metal front wheel!

"Bunny rabbits don't have wheels!"

Guide dogs, they are bright.
They get specially chosen.

"You! You have intelligent eyes,
you will become a special dog."

The dog goes, "Food?"

"Come, I will make you
a leader amongst dogs."

"Food now?

"With marrow, the yummy bit of humans?"

"Come, I will make you a leader
to lead people with restricted eyesight."

"Food at dog shop?
I like dog-food shop."

And these dogs are trained.

"One-seven-five degrees magnetic,
church with a spire..."

(lmitates passing traffic)

Ding-a-ling... "Dog-food shop."

That's the trouble, guide dogs
always take you to a dog-food shop.

But I met someone in Melbourne,

she had a guide dog
that was a failed guide dog.

Brilliant. This dog failed. It was obviously...

"No, er... Er...

"Have you...

"You're no help.

(lmitates passing traffic)

Thud!

(Applause)

(Whistles nonchalantly)

"Where's your owner?

"Gone upstairs?"

What?

What?

Hang on a sec.

(Humming)

(Cheering and applause)

Apparently I wasn't
supposed to be wearing that.

And, yeah, I just nicked this off a sergeant
who was walking by.

As you can see. He didn't need it.

And someone has cut a triangle
out of my skirt!

The triangle cutting people,
they go around cutting triangles.

Not rhomboid. No.

Cos you know triangles. Square, yeah.
"Rhomboid? What the fuck is that?"

"It's a square squashed over."
"Why?"

"I don't know."
"Why isn't it a diamond?" "Get off."

Now... (Squeals)

These are good because you can play them.
Bong, bong... (Deeper) Ahhh, ahhh...

Accompaniment. Bong, bong, bong.
Cos there's two pairs.

No expense.

Now, Africa, I hear you ask. Now...

Yes, well, it's true.

I do research these days,

I used to not do research and I let research
come up to me and say,

"You know chickens are hairy?"
"Oh, really?"

They're not actually, they're feathery.

But when you cut their head off
they're more intelligent.

They're ex-dinosaurs. Chickens are
the only dinosaurs that survived.

Or something like that.

I don't know. I pick up shit. But...

And interesting facts as well. Now...

I prefer the facts because otherwise...
A lot of that.

Erm. Er... where was l?
Yes, research. Now I buy books!

Do I read them? No.
Because I'm a slow reader.

I take a lot in, because the fast readers go,

"I read War And Peace
while going to the toilet."

But they didn't take it in, it went...
(Whooshes)

"What was it about?"
"Er... Subbuteo. I don't know. What?"

I take it all in, you see.

I bought a speed reading book
so I could speed up. Have I read it? No.

But logically as you read there should
come a point where you go...

Ah, ah, ah!

(Slowly) And put your hand on the...
(Very fast gibberish)

Then I could read the others really quickly

but I just keep going back
to Steve McQueen's biography.

And er...

So, anyway, so Africa.
I watched two DVDs on Africa

and it is proved through the DNA,
or denar, as we call it now,

that Crick and Watson and the woman
who was dead so didn't get the Nobel prize,

they found the alpha helix

and it proves that
we're all from Africa, you see,

proved through the Y chromosome and
mitochondrial DNA that we're all African.

Which is brilliant because it means
racist people can retire.

And yes. They have done well.

Wonderful racist people
who brought bile and hatred into the world

and many, many deaths, piles of bodies.

Hitler, there's an interesting person.

If he hadn't hated so many people -
he killed six million Jews.

A lot of them were German citizens, they
would've fought for him - he could've won!

Think about that. If he hadn't hated
so much, that... Anyway.

That was another war. So, what's my point?

Africa, we're all from there,

and racist people, interestingly,
are never as polite as smokers.

Smokers always go,
"Do you mind if I smoke?

"You do? OK, I'll go outside."

Racist people never go,
"Do you mind if I'm racist?

"You do? I'll go outside.

"Fucking blue people.
Come round here, steal our hamsters."

"Bye."

Where were we?
Children, they're lovely, aren't they?

Now, I have worked out that personally
I'm a hunter-gatherer type.

This is my body type.
You know those thin people who eat pigs

and say, "I haven't put a thing on"?

That's tricky in its own way
because they can't get bigger.

I can get bigger, thank you.

If I look at a piece of lettuce I go...whump.

I am designed - I'm a runny person.

Not runny like Camembert but runny.

I'm designed to go...
The loneliness of the long-distance runner.

Or the less loneliness
of the two long-distance runners.

I'm good at that
so I think I'm a hunter-gatherer,

my denar goes back to the hunter-gatherers.

And I just think I'm a hunter,
I don't know if I'm a gatherer.

Not very tidy. I think I was a kind of,
you know... (lmitates footsteps) Whump!

"Got that badger!"

And then, "Steve, could you gather that?"

Not a hunter-gatherer,
hunters and gatherers.

Some other people,
"I'll get that," very fastidious.

"There's a badger left.
You left a badger here."

I'd be a hunter then I'd come back,
"Where's the badgers?

"I fucking left them!

"Left them on the... On the copse.

"On the knotty hill bit.

"On the crag."

It's like a golfing relationship.

"Look, a gazelle! What do you think?"
"I think a three-spear."

Whump. "Wasabi!"

(Hums tune)

Gazelles are really fast.
"Missed. Get another three-spear."

And for small ones like marmots,
"Just a wood. Thank you."

- Whump.
- (Applause)

Never got applause there before.

That's what Eastbourne likes.

- Whump. Do you like that?
- (Cheering and applause)

Don't fucking humour me.

You must love it on the pier,
the hit-the-rat thing.

"Hit the fucking rat!"

What a fucking brilliant game.

"Just hit the fucking rat."

If you haven't seen it there's about eight rats

and they come up and you have to hit them.

And it's just hit a rat! Rat!

Buddhist monks must love it, "Fucking rats!

"Bubonic plague!"

What a wonderful plague, bubonic plague.
It's such a big word.

It's not The Black Death. "Uh, Black Death."
It's the bubonic plague.

The havasablonic plague,
the sentuntrandelmondalic plague.

Mr Bubon, who invented it,

who first went, "A-tishoo, a-tishoo..."

"What's up, Mr Bubon?"
"I think I've got the plague."

"The bubonic plague?" "Could be." (Chokes)

"What's the symptoms?"
"My hair goes all curvy."

"That's just soccer problems, isn't it?

"A football thing, a perm.
T oo tight on the rollers.

"Islington hairdressers, that."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I don't know."

"Right, erm..." "What's this?"

Put that there. I didn't need that mime.

Cos Marcel Marceau, you know...

I've worked out...
There's a gun problem in America -

I've travelled there and people say,
"How to deal with it?"

You should ban handguns -
there'd be an outcry -

but then allow artillery.

Cos it'll slow 'em down. "Come on..."

Just field artillery from World War ll.
Whump.

(lmitates creak of hinges
and rumble of moving gun turret)

(lmitates motor whirring)

Check. (lmitates launch detonation
and whine of shell)

Whump... Shit.

(Applause)

(lmitates police siren)
"Oh, bug, it's the fuzz."

"Bug?"

That's one of the most tiring mimes
I've ever done.

I said that to Marcel Marceau.

I said, "It's really tiring, the artillery mime.

"Marcel? It's...

"Marcel, it's a really obvious gag
but they laughed.

"Marcel, have you hung yourself?
Come on, lad, say something!"

"Qu'est-ce qu'il y a sur la plage?

"L'éléphant de ma tante

"habite près de la mer.

"J'habite tout près de
Monsieur Giscard d'Estaing."

"That was really going well, Marcel,
and then we blew it. Really tailed off there.

"Ad-libbing's not all
that it's cracked up to be.

"Yeah, all right. Yeah, I'll talk to you again.

"Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, bye."

Beep. Key lock.

Ho, ho, what a 2003 joke!

Ten years ago we wouldn't know "key lock".
We wouldn't know it would be so important.

Otherwise you phone people up and you get
a message from them that's just...

(lmitates clumping footsteps
and indistinct chatter)

(Mumbled dialogue)

"Steve? Steve! Steve!

"Steve, you've got your phone on!"
(Footsteps and mumbling)

"Steve, switch your fuckin' phone off, mate!"
(Mumbling)

If you haven't got a mobile phone then
you won't know what I'm talking about.

Thank God for key lock.

Before key lock, phone calls
that went on like that for hours.

Anyway, so... Errr...

Erm...

Help me.

- (Audience call out indistinctly)
- What?

Oh, hunter-gatherers, yes. So...

Hunter and gatherers.
They hunted mammoth as well, didn't they?

I'm not sure - huge fuckin' elephants?

Whump. Got him. Got the...
Oh, he's not stopping.

Have you got the, erm...
The three, the four... (Squashing noise)

Nowadays... Woolly mammoth
should be called woolly elephant.

They're just elephants with wool,
aren't they?

But they have an elephant bloody gun.
What did...?

They didn't have a mammoth spear.
"Give me the mammoth spear."

"Just run on to this would you,
Mr Mammoth?"

T oo bloody big to hunt.

But they invented things,
this is 50,000 years ago.

Our civilisation, back to the Egyptians
and the dog people, that was 5,500 years.

50,000 years ago - long bloody time.

They invented fire, someone invented fire.

People say fire was from
a lightning strike... I don't think so.

Because thunder and lightning
is fucking scary.

(lmitates electrical sizzling)
And in our minds we go,

"It is an electronic discharge
from the thing..."

and in our hearts and bodies we go,

"The fucking gods are angry, they hate us!

"We have sinned.
We have done original sin and unoriginal

"and just copied sin and all that shit."

Even nowadays, if you were next to a tree
and it went... (lmitates explosion)

..with lightning. No one would go,

"I'll grab a branch, we'll do marshmallows."

Ipso facto, I don't think
they would have done it then either.

Someone invented fire,
there must have been a day before fire.

The day before it would be,
"God, it's freezing. So cold.

"Turn the... Turn the, er...

"Turn... Turn nothing up, will you?

"Throw another log on your brother."

"What's for tea?" "Salad."

"We had salad yesterday." "Yeah?"

"Couldn't we get variety?"

"What? Sa-led? I could pronounce it
differently, what do you want?

"Sa-lard. Move around the country,
you get different..."

"I just want... OK, does it have a dressing?"

"Er... What, like a bandage?" "No...

"Balsamic vinaigrette, does it have that?"

Where the fuck did
balsamic vinaigrette come from?

Balsamic fuckin' vinaigrette.
How long ago? T en years...

"Like a dressing?

"We've got Thousand lsland, we've got
970 lsland, 400 lsland, Three Mile lsland...

"or balsamic vinaigrette...
balsamic vinaigrette"

"I would like some balsamic vinaigrette..."

It was just some suggestive thing.
And it's yummy. Uh-huh-huh.

And what's it made out of?
Balsa...balsa...wood.

Balsawood.

It's model aeroplanes, isn't it?

You're making a model aeroplane
and, "Oh, fuck it, put it in the salad."

And you eat the salad
and the solvent... (Sniffs) Uhhh...

It's the glue up your nose.
"Oh, I love the salad, it's so creamy..."

That's solvent abuse.
"You fuckin' salad. Fuck off, you salad."

- (Feeble laughter)
- Should be funnier.

(Sighs deeply) Oh, yes...

Someone must have said, "I'm not having
salad any more, I'm gonna change this."

"Jeff, what are you doing?
Come and get your salad, it's getting warm."

"No, Sheila, I'm gonna invent something."
"What, after you've masturbated?"

"That's not masturbation. If you do that
to your penis it'll come off at the hinge."

"Right, what are you...?"

"I'm twig..." "Twig spinning, I can see."

"No, this is a thing."
"Are you drilling to China?"

"China hasn't been invented yet. Ahhh."

"Oh, how 45,000 years ago of you.
In the future.

"It'll work out, in Eastbourne,
when they explain it."

"Sheila, you've gone mad.

"I did this yesterday. It makes smoke
and orange and yellow stuff.

"It's kind of warm. I'm going to be famous."

"Jeff, come and have your salad."
"I'm gonna be..."

"Jeff Fire, you are not going to be famous."

"I am, Sheila, and you know what?
I'm going to call it 'Jeff'."

For years, they would say,
"Throw another log on the Jeff."

"Let's put a barbie on the Jeff."
Oh, early porn.

It's an old pornography joke,
you've heard it all.

Eastbourne, you're a crazy rock'n'roll town.

Well, rocks. Pebbles.

Erm... Yes, so, they invented that.
They invented fire.

Then someone invented the wheel.
They say this person was a genius.

The person who invented the axle
was a genius.

A wheel without an axle is just a lazy Susan.

And what was that
before the wheel was invented?

Just a girl who stood in the middle
of the table going, "What do you what?

"Noodles? Fuck off, haven't got any.
Jam? Fuck off, no.

"All right, you can have some rice.

"Hang on, give us a second, for fuck's sake."

"Oh, you bloody lazy Susan." "I am."

"Just pointing that out
for the joke's purposes."

So the guy who
invented the wheel was crackers.

"I have invented
a major new transport thing."

"How does it work?"
"You strap your body around the wheel

"and then your friend
pushes you down the hill."

"You'd break your back in three places."
"Only three places?"

"Have you met Axle Rod?"

"Hello."

"What have you invented?"
"I've invented the pole."

"You're Axle Rod
and you invented the pole?"

"What are you going to call it?"
"I'm going to call it...

"one of those three."

So you put an axle on a wheel

and you've got nothing.
It just goes round and round like that.

You've got to get another wheel on.

You have to invent two fuckin' wheels.

And that's a great thing for travelling -
you stand on the axle and go, "Whoa-oa!"

So, no, put a chair on the axle,
attach a chair... Ah!

Whump, whump, whump...

No, you have to drill a hole.
There's so many different inventions...

So, they invented it...

And there were two types
of human bipeddy-type things -

there was Neanderthals and Homo sapiens.

Like kissing cousins, except we didn't kiss.

Neanderthals, of course,
heavy eyebrow ridge. "Huh."

That kind of... "Uhhh.

"Uhh, uhhh..."

You know that look of...
(Oafishly) "I got a headache.

"Uhhh, I feel so close...to extinction."

Very hardy but not so bright upstairs.
Homo sapiens, slightly more...

(Upper-class accent)
"How are you getting on there, Neanderthal?

"All going all right?" "Er, not too good.

"Yesterday we went hunting
and half our tribe was killed

"when they fell on themselves.

"And I've hurt my knee.

"And we got no butter."

"Yes, well, always good talking to you.

"Must go, I've got some swatches of moss
for the new cave we're moving in to.

"Local chap's doing some paintings
of jumping things,

"gazelles or whatever.

"Should look good, fetch a pretty penny
in a couple of years."

"Where are you living these days?"
"I am living in a pit of my own excrement."

"Well, good idea, keeps you warm, yeah?"

"What?"
"Your poo keeps you warm, is that it?"

(Baffled mumbling)

"Poo from your body, doesn't it...?
Is that the idea?"

"No, hadn't thought of that."

"The estate agent said 'bathroom en suite'."

(Chuckles)
"Yes. Well, you boxed clever, there."

Peter Sellers in The Goons. Now...

So... And then, Neanderthals, they died out.

200,000 years.
They developed for 200,000 years

and then went, "Fuck it."

And they died out cos they were a bit...
"Uhhh. Huh?"

So they must have started...
(Vacantly) "Huh."

50,000 years of evolution... "Uh?"

1 00,000. "Ah."

Hundred and fifty. (Sadly) "Ohh."

200,000 - "Oh, shit."

And thank God they died
cos if they had made it,

Homo sapiens wouldn't have made it.

Then everything would be different.

Book Of The Month Club
on television would be

(Sluggishly) "And now we have Professor...
Erm... Uhhh.

"What do you think of this book?" "What?"

"What do you think of this book
in a critical way?"

"It's all right."

"There you have it. It's all right."

News programmes would be, "And now,

"we have, what, breaking news...

"Errr... Thuhh...

"Er, what's all this, to here, what's this line?
What's this white thing?

"What's this crawler thing? What's the...
More news?

"Now, over to Steve. Steve." "What?"

"What's going on? What? Where? Uhhh.

"What? What now? What, here? Uhhh..."

"Now over to the politicians
debating who will be leader."

"I would like to be leader cos I got teeth."

"I'd like to be leader cos I haven't

"and have no need of dentistry."

"I don't want to be leader.

"I'm in it for cash."

Shakespeare would...
"T o be or not to be, you know, or maybe.

"It's a question whether it's nobler
to suffer slings and arrows

"and a club in the face

"or to wrestle a rat for half an hour,
you know.

"Maybe that's nobler.

"Anyway, that's all from me, love, Bill."

Those Changing Room
programmes would be,

"All right, well, you know, I thought we'd put
excrement here and excrement there,

"then poo along here, up there,
then poo, then poo,

"then a bit of wee, then poo,

"then poo, then wee, then wee

"and then a poo bar here."

"And here they come..." "Ahhh..."

"And what do you think?"

"This is shit."

So that didn't happen.

But then, 45,000 years ago,

what happened was that
there was an ice age, of course,

and everything got jolly, jolly cold
at the North and South Poles.

Then the sea level goes down
to make all that ice,

goes down by the height
of a 40-storey block of flats.

Residential, office, doesn't really matter.

And so, around the equator, it gets
not only hot, it gets super-duper hot.

The people in Africa were saying, "I may be
African but I'm getting the fuck out of here."

And some went up via Egypt
into central Asia

and some went down
through Ethiopia, past the Yemen

and down into Australia.

Yemen, my home town.

Yeah, so I am a child of the Middle East.

I look to the East and West
like we do with medicine.

The western's very pill driven,

the eastern is, er... More curious.

Like acupuncture. I've had acupuncture.
I don't know if you've had it.

I've seen it on telly
and they push those needles in.

Obviously, in the body, there's levels
of "ow", "ow", "ow".

And in between "ow" there's "yum"
or sponge cake or something.

They seem to push it
in the sponge cake bit so it doesn't hurt.

I saw it on telly. Saw it on The Matrix.

And so I had it cos I had a...
I have a rotator cuff problem here.

My shoulder's fucked up.
In the rotator cuff, you got four muscles.

Supraspinatus, you got...
(Mumbling) Ribbaspitartus, er...

the long twangy one
but they're all blue and red.

You've seen those models.

Except one is green with a white band
round it and that's the earth.

And then you tie that in
and then you plug your arm into the wall

or something like that.

Anyway, so I had acupuncture.

I'd had steroids and that didn't work,
so I had acupuncture.

He pushed the needle in and it felt like...

a small needle being pushed into my arm.

It's not "ow", it's kind of "ehhh".

But 30 of them equals "ow!"

And I couldn't look at it
cos it looked like I'd swallowed a hedgehog.

Then I had an MRl,
where you go into this tube thing.

It's like going into a coffin
and a steel band playing on your head.

Then I had a CAT scan and he didn't know
what he was doing. (Miaows)

So I gave it to the dog
and there was no way to tell.

But dentistry, we only seem
to have western dentistry.

No eastern dentistry, is there?

There must be eastern stuff
but the western is torture.

Still in the torture field.

It's still those two noises, there's...

(Alternately imitates whining
and rumbling drills)

Just the dentist talking.

(Alternately gruff and shrill)
"Haven't seen you since the other day.

"He's a fine young lad.
Let's drill his face off, shall we?"

They start softly, softly, catchy monkey, with,

"We'll do an X-ray,
we'll put a machine up to your face.

"This is not dangerous at all. I am just
going to go to the Bahamas for a second.

"I've left my cat in the fridge there. And..."
(Burst of noise)

"No, no, maybe not. I'll come back.

"What do you say? Your face
feels a little drippy? Well, that's OK.

"Little runny, does it?
Maybe you're a hunter-gatherer."

And when they put the X-ray
on that thing, that's when it gets...

Cos we don't know what it looks like.
They just go, "There, that's decay."

"What, that's my skull, isn't it?"
"No, that's..."

"No, the black bit."
"That's my skull. That's my head."

"We'll have to drill your head off."
We don't know... They can say anything.

"You see there, you've lost your nose."

"What?"

"You got no teeth.
You're a monkey, basically."

"What are you on about?" "We're gonna..."
Then they start with a bit of pokey-pokey.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
which tooth has got to fall?"

Pokey-pokey-pokey with that pokey thing.

Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey-pokey.

And then they're doing that code.
"Two, T, L, nine, four, four, seven, T, S, one,

"alpha, charlie, bravo, tango, foxtrot,

"2,000 feet over a monkey's head."

It all means something.
"First tooth strong, solid.

"Maybe I can dislodge it if I knock it...

"with some equipment.

"Second tooth,
good but bleeding round the gums.

"The thin, white towel of death
must be used to..." (lmitates rubbing)

"Saw down the edge and make it fall out
like a block of the Berlin Wall.

"Third tooth, decay is round the edges.

"The decay that I planted
last time has taken hold.

- "Looks like we're gonna have to drill."
- (Applause)

"Whee-ha! Get that drill!

"Whoo! Fire it up, nurse!
I'm gonna drill his face off.

"Whee..." (lmitates drill)

"Hang on...You drilled enough!
You drilled enough!" (Drill straining)

They become like bad carpenters.

(Staccato whining and rumbling
drill noises)

"Ahhh! Ahhh!"

"Nurse, could you put your finger
in his mouth and go..." (lmitates suction)

(Squealing and whining)

"Hang on, you haven't got it plugged in,
you're just making the noises!"

(Squealing)

(Applause)

"Right, rinse!"

(lmitates noisy spitting)

"I'm out of stuff!

"Where's the button? Why do you
have to press the fucking button?

"Why can't I press the button?

"What's so precious about the red stuff?

"Just turn it on!"

It's like they dole that stuff out.

Then he goes, "I've drilled your face off,
you've got stumps for teeth,

"I'm gonna screw in
some new titanium teeth, screw them in.

"And they're sponsored
by the makers of Scrabble.

"They've got letters and numbers on them.

"So there we go.
T op row spelling out 'fantastically'.

"That's 41 points.
Bottom row, 'fuck me baby', 7 1 points.

"If you smile, it should happen."

Just... It's all drilling, there's no invention.

"We've got a better drill, a faster drill."
Can't they just make them quiet?

(Softly) ♪ La la la ♪ It's all... You can feel it.

(lmitates whining and rumbling drills)

All that... My dentist said recently -
who's a nice guy -

he's got a water blower,
it blows plaque off your teeth. Fantastic!

"But it blows it at the speed of sound
and feels like 72 daggers."

(Whining and squealing)

One dentist said, "I've got this cream,
rub it on, tell me when it hurts."

"Er... That hurts. Uh...that hurts. That hurts."

What is it?
"This is just a hurty cream, it hurts."

Who wants to be a...
♪ Who wants to be... ♪

A dentist.

I'm going to finish so we can go home.
I'm going to finish up tonight...

I just wanna mention something on horses.

When I was a kid, I did horse riding.

As, probably, some of you did.

But I have found out recently that we didn't.

What we experienced
was horses doing child wearing.

It's true. There's footage of it
on a documentary called What Horses Do.

The horse is going, "Yes, I've joined
a stable, they provide you with children,

"they have their own straps.

"And you go up the hills, eat the grass,
just trit-trot around, nothing fast.

"The kids exercise your neck and tickle
your ribs and you can bite their feet.

"You come back, they remove the children

"and they burn them, I believe.

"Or some of them they take to aeroplanes
and make cry with forks."

That's what... I couldn't get this fucking
horse going! "Come on, fucking go!"

Clip, clop... That wasn't a Western to me,
with my black bobble hat on.

Steve McQueen was never in a black
bobble hat with a yellow roll-neck jumper.

I wasn't cool, I looked like a dickhead.

I wanted danger, the wind in my hair!
Not the wind in my black bobble hat.

Crappest hat in the world.

Going along like that, I hated it.

Fox-hunting! Big fox-hunting thing.
There's arguments about it.

They hunt the foxes
because they attack chickens

and posh people have an alliance
with chickens,

just like in the First World War.

If chickens get invaded by foxes...
Cos they go to the same clubs.

"Yes, I know..." (Clucks)

"Yes, I went there it was very sunny.

"You lost your head? How did you get on?

(Clucks) "Really? That's very funny."

Don't even have to do a punch line.

Anyway, they charge along. (lmitates bugle)

They find the fox -
"Mr Fox, how would you like to be culled?"

"Lethal injection would be
safest and most painless."

"How about being ripped apart by dogs?"
"I'd really rather not."

(Yelling and squealing)

And they get the dead fox and get
the small children and go...blub-blub-blub...

"There you go, Johnny,
rub your face in the dead bloody body."

"Thank you, Father.
I will never be fucked up by this. Uhhh..."

(Slurring) "Never fucked in any way, I hope,

"to grow up to be a member
of the aristocracy

"and not be odd at all."

But horses, they're trained by people,
people with whips.

"Walk on! Walk on! Come by, ooh la-la!
Hind-ah, hund-ah!"

Sheep dogs as well. "Come by!"

Or horse whisperers, you've heard of those,
very touchy-feely.

From the - "There boy, there boy.

"There, there."

(Whispering gibberish)

The horse is going,
"What? I can't quite hear."

(Whispers) "I said, why don't you come..."

(Gibberish)

"No, I still can't... Could you speak up?"

Horse whisperers are on to a loser,
horse shouters are better.

"Walk on! Walk forwards!
You, walk forwards!

"Stop! Stop... Stop there or I shoot you...

"with gun."

Anyway, with all this horse training,
I got cast in a Western last year.

Cast in a bloody Western. Fantastic.

Knowing how to do a bobble hat like that.

"Can you ride?"
"Like an amazing person, sir!

"Oh, you should see me ride!"
Use that one, that's good, goes both ways.

"You good at riding?"
"You should see me ride.

"No."

So I was in a French Western,
it's called Blueberry, it's out in Paris.

I'm a German cowboy. It's English speaking.

It's like spaghetti western,
it's a baguette-i western.

That's the similarity.
It's not supposed to be funny.

So next thing I know I'm in Mexico,
three months on horses, first day -

me, Michael Madsen,
Mexican actor called Antonio, on horses.

And I'm going,
"I could be trit-trotting like this."

"I'm a big bad-ass." And they say, "Go!"

Clink-clink. Stupid hat on. Clink-clink.

I thought, "I'd better make sure,
give the horse a kick."

Got spurs on, thought I'd give him a bit of...

Cos the spurs go clank-clank, pretty good.

I'm on the horse, I said, "What do I do?"
They said, "You say your lines,

"and then you go 'Ha!',
the horses go off, gallop away,

"and then we'll shout cut."
"OK, thanks. OK, ready."

Michael Madsen over there, very quiet.

The horses are...
None of us are good on horses.

Antonio's horse is the other way round.

I thought, "He's either brilliant
on a horse...or he's not."

So they go, "OK, action!"

La la la, blah blah blah.

"Chiricahua! We must get out of here.

"Head for those mountains.
Here we go! Ha!"

(lmitates jet engine)

About 1 60 miles an hour.

(Jet noise continues)

I was not trying to touch him with the spurs,
I was riding like this.

This was a huge Mexican horse.

Can't hear "cut", can't hear anything.

This horse going... It's in the north
of Mexico, he's off to the US border.

Then we're at the US border. "Hey, hold it!"

"I can't..." "Where were you born?"

"Yemen! Hang on."

Then I remember - turn him in a circle,
that slows them down.

"Fuck."

Canadian border! "You can't..."
"Hang on!"

I've got a gun.

"Fuck."

Then I remember sharks.

Then I see the fire brigade.

Into the fire brigade house!
Up the slidey pole!

Whee! And I made my escape
from the horse.

The only way to do it.

Anyway, that is all from me
here tonight in Eastbourne.

Thank you very much for being here.

(Cheering)

It's good to be back. Thank you.

Basically,
I'm doing a very slow striptease.

(Whooping and whistling)

Yes! Stripper libraries, that's what we want.

People don't go to libraries but if there was
a stripper library, kids would go.

"I'd like a book on...on anything."

"How about the Etruscans?"
"Yeah, the Etruscans, elephant book.

"They have big tusks.

"Fucking hell.

"Where's she gone?
I was gonna give her a quid.

"Gonna put a quid coin in her G-string."

(Clunking)

Anyway. How far can we go
with Eastbourne?

I've never been to a strip club but I've heard
that people put clothes on.

I'm not sure.

Um... All right. T o finish up, I'm gonna do
my latest bad impression.

My impressions are incredibly bad,
they've been known throughout China...

Good impressionists do a voice and you go,

"Steve McQueen, Robert De Niro."

I tend to tell everyone
who I'm gonna do, to help,

and explain that it might not
sound like them.

This is Christopher Walken
as done by someone else.

I did A Day In The Death Of Joe Egg
and Michael Gaston was in that

and he had done Shakespeare
with Christopher Walken.

I didn't know Christopher Walken
did Shakespeare.

Michael did this impression
and I nicked this off him.

But Christopher Walken doing
lago in Othello.

(Slurring) "Yah..." This is according to...
"Yeah, Othello.

"Your wife.

"She's crazy.
You should kill her with a pillow.

"She's dizzy, she drives us crazy.
Yeah, er..."

Or even - "To be or not to be.

"I don't know. It's a question.

"'Tis nobler to suffer, you know,
slings and arrows and shit.

"Er... Now is the winter of our discontent

"Made glorious summer by this sun of York

(Strangulated)
"Er, uh... All the clouds that lowered..."

Going a bit off Christopher Walken.

"T omorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

"It's a petty pace that goes on. Yeah...

"This watch, this watch, it's your
father's watch, your grandfather's watch.

"It's your birthright.

"Your daddy was shot down over Hanoi,

"so was l, we were in prison camp.

"This watch, it's your right, he doesn't want
no slant-eyes get their hands on it.

"So he puts it the one place they can't,
up his ass, he puts it up his ass.

"Five long years, this watch, up his ass.

"He dies of watch in ass disease.

"He gave me the watch, I put it up my ass,
I get watch in ass syndrome.

"It's your watch, you can wear it.
Wear it but don't put it up your ass.

"Wear it on your wrist. Don't lick it!"

What a choice piece.

Thank you very much. Good night.