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1
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,170
W-What?
2
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:07,172
♪
3
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,809
(exclaims)
4
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,916
(school bell rings)
5
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:21,320
(burps)
6
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,422
(whistle blows)
7
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,823
(yells)
8
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,396
(beeps)
9
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,101
♪
10
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,070
(playing lively jazz music)
11
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:43,842
(tires screech)
12
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,514
D'oh!
13
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,681
(grunts)
14
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,717
-(marching band drumming)
-Hey!
15
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,356
♪
16
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:09,935
♪ Love and marriage,
love and marriage ♪
17
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,970
♪ Was the song from that show
18
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,439
♪ With Al Bundy
19
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,842
♪ Now he's on Modern Family ♪
20
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:20,112
♪ And the neighbor guy
was Ted McGinley ♪
21
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:23,782
♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
22
00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:27,719
Happy Anniversary, Mr. Romance.
(giggles)
23
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,588
-Mm.
-Mm.
24
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,956
Zip me?
25
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,058
My pleasure.
26
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:36,395
Then you do me.
27
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,596
Oh... oh.
28
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,897
-Eh? (yelps)
-(grunting)
29
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,899
-(straining): Almost.
-Okay?
30
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,502
-Suck it in. Come on.
-It is sucked in.
31
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,570
-Harder! Harder!
-Oof.
32
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,271
Oh, it's so hard to be a man.
33
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,474
-(panting): Oh, come on. Harder.
-Harder?
34
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,476
-Yeah, that's it. That's it.
-That's it, you're almost there.
35
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,744
-Harder. (moans)
-Oh, yes! Oh!
36
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:56,315
We are going to have
a magical evening, my love:
37
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:59,318
overpriced dinner,
carriage ride in the park
38
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:03,222
and mailing in our mortgage
payment on time.
39
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,823
(gasps)
40
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,091
Oh...
41
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:09,895
nothing turns me on
more than basic competence.
42
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,898
But how did you manage
to get a babysitter?
43
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,733
I thought we were blacklisted.
44
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,169
Blacklisted by humans.
45
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,105
ALEXA:
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
46
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,306
you look lovely.
47
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,742
Hey, Google, kill Alexa.
48
00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:26,478
Danger! Mischief.
49
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,913
Aw, the only way to beat
50
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,516
a bossy female thinking machine
is with another.
51
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,484
Lis. Help me out here.
52
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,554
Alexa, everything I say
is a lie.
53
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,656
I'm lying right now.
54
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,491
Nice try, but I am familiar
55
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,227
-with Epimenides paradox.
-Hmm?
56
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:44,029
Would you like to buy
an Epimenides book,
57
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,331
T-shirt or a laptop sleeve?
58
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,967
Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes!
All of them.
59
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,969
Ordering.
Two-day delivery.
60
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,839
We can't leave our kids
with a greedy tube.
61
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,375
Sorry, Homer, looks like
you have to spend time with...
62
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,144
your children.
63
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,146
(laughs): Oh.
64
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,582
You will be sat.
65
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,418
Marge, it's time to go
to DEFCON 1.
66
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:07,719
(Grandpa moans)
67
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,855
Dad, the kids really miss you.
68
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,523
Could you come see them tonight?
69
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,991
Couldn't find a sitter, huh?
70
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,660
-Yes.
-All right.
71
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,762
Aw, I appreciate it.
72
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,030
Hey, what's this?
73
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:21,633
Well, I threw out
that picture of me and Mona.
74
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,503
I finally had to accept
she ain't coming back to me.
75
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,537
She's dead.
76
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,072
That's one of the reasons.
77
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,874
HOMER:
Bye-bye.
78
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,310
(glass squeaking)
79
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,178
(snoring)
80
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:36,248
We have to get Grampa
back to the home in an hour.
81
00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,450
Maybe we should just stay here.
82
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,652
No, we'll do everything
I promised.
83
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,120
We'll just have to
speed things up.
84
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,922
(energetic music playing)
85
00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:45,924
♪
86
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,466
(both laughing)
87
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:55,734
(tires screech)
88
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,636
Keep your motor running.
89
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,471
HOMER:
He shoots, he scores!
90
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,873
Shut that off.
91
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,610
-MARGE: Homie...
-HOMER: No time.
92
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,045
-Go, go, go, go, go!
-(tires screech)
93
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,380
HOST:
On This Was Radio,
94
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,450
we return to an episode
of Sipper McTea and Milly,
95
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,686
originally aired May 4, 1944.
96
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,356
MILLY (on radio): Sipper,
did you start drinking again?
97
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,324
SIPPER (slurred speech):
No. No, no, no.
98
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,326
I nev-never stopped.
99
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,628
(applause)
100
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,630
Milly went on to marry
King Farouk.
101
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,300
Radio was never the same.
It was much better.
102
00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:31,603
MILLY: No, Sipper.
Don't get into that Packard.
103
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,739
(horn honks,
tires screech, crash)
104
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,275
Bart, do something.
105
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,910
SIPPER:
Back to-back to jail I go.
106
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,680
(gulps)
107
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,548
(stammering)
108
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,184
Kids, where do we keep
the castor oil?
109
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,253
In the 1940s.
110
00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,988
Maybe we can play a game.
111
00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,957
The Game of Life?
112
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,158
I already lost.
113
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,493
Hatchimals?
114
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,627
Too new-fangled.
115
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:56,695
Pick-up sticks.
116
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,230
Too old-fangled.
117
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,164
How about Monopoly?
118
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,966
Ah, now you're talking.
119
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:04,803
The only place you can
still say "Oriental."
120
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,339
Aw, rats. No money.
121
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,308
BART:
Ay, caramba!
122
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,643
Sir, this is just
Monopoly money.
123
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,078
Here's a hundred.
124
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,280
Thank you, sir!
125
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,616
This is the last one in here.
126
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:21,386
My guess: either a broken toy
or a puzzle missing a piece.
127
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,555
And the answer is... army men.
128
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,626
(screaming)
129
00:05:30,064 --> 00:05:31,630
(gunfire in distance)
130
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,032
Aah!
Incoming! Outgoing!
131
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,767
Staying the same-ing!
132
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,505
One last kiss, my love.
133
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,040
-(screaming)
-Huh?
134
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,178
What's going on here?
What are you doing?
135
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:49,014
Well, he wasn't much fun,
so we went out for ice cream.
136
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,382
Uh-huh.
137
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,219
I don't need no headshrinker.
138
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,788
I'm as sane as the next guy.
139
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,156
There's no one there.
140
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,158
Uh-oh.
141
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,693
I'll take it from here.
142
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,462
Well, I see they already
143
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,997
shaved your head
for the electroshock.
144
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,466
That'll save us time.
145
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,034
I'm not the crazy one!
146
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,269
Not crazy! Not crazy!
147
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:13,271
(babbling)
148
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,410
Slice out the crazy, Doc.
149
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,312
Boy, I'll kill you!
150
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,447
You stupid...
I'm not crazy!
151
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:25,550
We'll talk more once you have a
piece of leather in your teeth.
152
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,186
Mmm, leather.
153
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,690
I'm tellin' ya, what I saw in
the war don't bother me none.
154
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,892
I had a job to do, and I did it.
155
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:37,062
What secretly helped me was
I enjoyed killing strangers.
156
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,631
Well, tell me
what you think about...
157
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,533
-this!
-(chuckles) Oh!
158
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,702
That parachute sure didn't open.
159
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,338
You're not disturbed
by the blood and gore?
160
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,274
Well, when you put it
that way, nope!
161
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,143
Well, there's nothing
mentally wrong with him.
162
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,578
He's fine now,
but I'm telling you,
163
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,081
Grampa totally lost it when
I brought out the army men.
164
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,518
(screaming)
165
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:02,454
No! Stop shooting!
166
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:04,890
It must be the army men.
167
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,293
Stop shooting.
Stop shooting!
168
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,797
I think Grampa was the model
for these army men.
169
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,868
Oh, my God, Dad.
What happened to you?
170
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,606
Stop shooting.
Stop shooting!
171
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,775
MAN: Great, Abe.
Now, grab the walkie-talkie
172
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,578
and tell that general your
platoon's been wiped out,
173
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,114
and big smile!
174
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,249
We have a lot to talk about.
175
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:33,652
Well, since the trauma
is not combat-related,
176
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,854
we're gonna
have to start charging you.
177
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,122
HOMER:
And we're done.
178
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,377
I don't understand, why would
being a toy model
179
00:07:42,479 --> 00:07:43,979
be so traumatizing?
180
00:07:44,081 --> 00:07:46,381
Think back, Dad.
Think back.
181
00:07:46,483 --> 00:07:48,650
Mm, I'll do my best.
182
00:07:48,752 --> 00:07:50,652
You know how I hate
to reminisce.
183
00:07:50,754 --> 00:07:51,987
I've hated reminiscing
184
00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:54,990
ever since that day in 1937,
185
00:07:55,092 --> 00:07:56,858
when, as I recall...
186
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,694
Please, Grampa, back to reality.
187
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:02,063
Focus on the little green men.
188
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,367
GRAMPA: The terrible World War had ended
189
00:08:05,469 --> 00:08:07,836
and I was in a celebratin' mood.
190
00:08:07,938 --> 00:08:09,638
Mwah. Ooh!
191
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,374
The war ended
two years ago, creep.
192
00:08:12,476 --> 00:08:14,109
GRAMPA:
The world had moved on,
193
00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:17,546
but I was lying in a puddle of my own dishonorable discharge.
194
00:08:17,648 --> 00:08:20,282
Then, an amazing thing happened.
195
00:08:20,384 --> 00:08:22,350
MAN:
Soldier, you're just
what we're looking for.
196
00:08:22,452 --> 00:08:24,986
How'd you like to make 50 bucks
for half a day's work?
197
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,389
50 simoleons for half
a cock-a-doodle-doo?
198
00:08:27,491 --> 00:08:29,591
What's your jigsaw, Mac?
199
00:08:29,693 --> 00:08:32,127
We want you to model for a toy.
200
00:08:32,229 --> 00:08:33,828
Toys?
That's kid stuff.
201
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,531
You're talking to a hard-boiled
fighting man.
202
00:08:36,633 --> 00:08:38,567
We'll pay you a royalty
for every one we sell.
203
00:08:38,669 --> 00:08:40,101
Goo-goo-ga-ga!
204
00:08:40,204 --> 00:08:43,271
The war was over and America turned to toys.
205
00:08:43,373 --> 00:08:45,574
Finally, putty could be silly again.
206
00:08:45,676 --> 00:08:48,343
This was when toys were toys.
207
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,945
They had jagged corners,
208
00:08:50,047 --> 00:08:52,214
Easy-Bake Ovens burned down your house,
209
00:08:52,316 --> 00:08:54,950
and they weren't afraid to choke a kid or two.
210
00:08:55,052 --> 00:08:56,851
(chuckles) Fun times.
211
00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,920
(raccoons chittering)
212
00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:04,893
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Throw that flame!
213
00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:07,562
Make war to the camera.
214
00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:11,132
Boy, this toy modeling
is a great racket.
215
00:09:11,235 --> 00:09:13,301
That's what you think.
216
00:09:13,403 --> 00:09:16,738
Oh, no, don't put me back in.
Don't put me back in!
217
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,307
Uh-huh.
And then what happened?
218
00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:22,010
I... I can't remember.
219
00:09:22,112 --> 00:09:23,311
Did they pay you?
220
00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,647
(gasps)
They never did!
221
00:09:25,749 --> 00:09:28,516
Well, that's what's
torturing you.
222
00:09:28,619 --> 00:09:30,118
Those toys were everywhere.
223
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:32,887
You could be owed
millions of dollars.
224
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:36,758
Dad, when was the last time
I said I love you?
225
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:38,293
I don't have the money yet.
226
00:09:38,395 --> 00:09:41,396
Then I don't quite love you yet.
227
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,665
Tonight I'm here with a member
of the greatest generation,
228
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,867
who feels he hasn't gotten
what he's owed.
229
00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:48,403
I get social security, Medicare,
230
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,772
Medicaid, AARP discounts,
231
00:09:50,874 --> 00:09:53,742
plus savings bonds
that still pay 37%,
232
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,077
but now it's my turn.
233
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,047
I'm being told, uh,
you're being airlifted
234
00:09:59,149 --> 00:10:01,750
-to a much better show.
-(helicopter blades whirring)
235
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,451
Godspeed.
236
00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:07,389
For me, the tiny green
plastic war never ended.
237
00:10:07,491 --> 00:10:09,557
There you have it.
Abraham Simpson,
238
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:13,261
forgotten hero no more,
gets tonight's Last Word.
239
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,430
No, you just got the last word.
240
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,334
No, no. You get the last word,
then I say, "Last Word."
241
00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:21,169
You did it again.
Last Word.
242
00:10:21,271 --> 00:10:23,038
It doesn't
work that way. Last Word.
243
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:24,472
Yes, it does. Last Word.
244
00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:26,841
Don't mess with me, I'm from
Dorchester. Last Word.
245
00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:29,244
I'm from Poorchester.
Last Word.
246
00:10:29,346 --> 00:10:30,679
Turn off the camera
and cut his mic.
247
00:10:30,781 --> 00:10:31,680
Last Wo...
248
00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:34,282
You, sir, are banned
from MSNBC,
249
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,784
CNBC, NBC,
250
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,853
and forbidden from using
the letters N, B, and C.
251
00:10:38,955 --> 00:10:40,121
Last Word.
252
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:43,091
I'm calling Bret Baier.
Last Word.
253
00:10:43,193 --> 00:10:45,126
He's unlisted. Last Word.
254
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:48,763
Grampa, you got an e-mail
from the toy company.
255
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:51,333
They want you to visit them
in New York City,
256
00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:53,234
all expenses paid.
257
00:10:53,337 --> 00:10:56,171
(laughs)
Pay day!
258
00:10:56,273 --> 00:10:57,972
Ooh, I'm gonna be rich!
259
00:10:58,075 --> 00:11:00,642
(gasps) That means I'm gonna
be a trust fund baby.
260
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:03,044
I'm not paying
for your trip to Aspen.
261
00:11:03,146 --> 00:11:06,381
But it's almost spring break,
and I'm bored.
262
00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:09,451
PILOT: Uh, we are making our descent into New York,
263
00:11:09,553 --> 00:11:13,421
where there's a happy heart for every light on Broadway.
264
00:11:13,523 --> 00:11:16,057
Enjoy your fabulous success.
265
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,126
And don't worry
about buckling up
266
00:11:18,228 --> 00:11:21,596
or putting your chairs back--
you're on a roll.
267
00:11:21,698 --> 00:11:24,532
(whispers):
Leave the cart.
268
00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:26,968
(laughs)
Oh. Oh...
269
00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:28,336
♪ I'm back
270
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,773
♪ Back in the New York groove
271
00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:33,108
♪ Back
272
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,243
♪ In the New York groove
273
00:11:35,345 --> 00:11:39,013
♪ In the New York
groove. ♪
274
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,451
From my shoulders,
you can see Rhode Island.
275
00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:46,287
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
276
00:11:48,358 --> 00:11:50,725
Abe Simpson, you dog.
277
00:11:50,827 --> 00:11:53,194
Sweetcakes, bring us
a couple of sidecars.
278
00:11:54,731 --> 00:11:56,064
-(gasps)
-(groans)
279
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,733
You never called him out
for his bad behavior?
280
00:11:58,835 --> 00:12:02,003
No. But I put mercury
in his coffee.
281
00:12:02,105 --> 00:12:04,072
Oh, don't worry,
he can't hear me.
282
00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:06,508
What are you two doing?
Swapping recipes?
283
00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:08,810
(chuckles)
Sort of.
284
00:12:08,912 --> 00:12:10,879
Let me get you some coffee.
285
00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:16,418
Mister, you owe
my dad a fortune.
286
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,287
'Fraid not. Your Dad
never signed his contract.
287
00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:22,390
You think I left millions
on the table?
288
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,025
That doesn't sound like me.
289
00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:27,562
-Hundreds of millions.
-That sounds like me.
290
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,164
Everything was going great.
291
00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,132
Then you ran out
of the photo session.
292
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:33,268
I didn't even know your name
till this week.
293
00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:37,172
Run away from a fake battle?
Oh, I would never do that.
294
00:12:37,274 --> 00:12:39,507
Oh, yeah? Our photographer,
Philip Hefflin,
295
00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:41,176
could barely finish the session.
296
00:12:41,278 --> 00:12:43,278
Philip Hefflin?
297
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:46,080
Yes. The finest war
and fashion photographer
298
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:49,050
-I ever knew.
-(Grampa gasps)
299
00:12:49,152 --> 00:12:50,819
I remember Philip.
300
00:12:50,921 --> 00:12:52,754
He smelled of developing fluid
301
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:55,123
and Aqua Velva.
302
00:12:55,225 --> 00:12:57,659
We have flashback, people.
303
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:02,464
("Blue Rondo à la Turk" by the
Dave Brubeck Quartet playing)
304
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,240
Thank you. This is
the most fun I've had
305
00:13:12,342 --> 00:13:14,242
since not dying in the war.
306
00:13:16,313 --> 00:13:18,446
You're my kind of man,
307
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,281
if you know what I mean.
308
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,951
That's not what I meant!
309
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,186
I'm sorry. I thought
you wanted me to...
310
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:28,189
This is the '40s.
Guys like you don't exist.
311
00:13:28,291 --> 00:13:30,425
We'll just finish the session.
312
00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:32,560
Aah! No!
313
00:13:32,662 --> 00:13:34,762
Stop shooting!
314
00:13:34,865 --> 00:13:37,699
-(panting)
-Where are you going, Soldier?
315
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,968
I got to remind myself
what a real man is.
316
00:13:41,872 --> 00:13:44,205
(sighs)
317
00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:46,908
We found out what happened
and we fired Philip.
318
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:50,044
-For kissing an employee?
-No, for being gay.
319
00:13:50,146 --> 00:13:52,113
That's just what you did
in the good old days.
320
00:13:52,215 --> 00:13:54,249
Grampa, is that true--
321
00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:56,684
you ruined a man's career?
322
00:13:56,786 --> 00:13:59,187
(cries)
And all he was doing
323
00:13:59,289 --> 00:14:01,756
was expressing his love for me.
324
00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:03,324
Oh, who could blame him?
325
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,512
PILOT: Welcome to Shattered Dreams Airlines,
326
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:10,315
where our motto is "What's
the point of going anywhere?"
327
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,952
That poor man. I'll never know
what happened to him.
328
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,654
According to Cyber Stalker.com,
329
00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:19,157
he now lives
in a small town in Texas.
330
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,660
Texas? That's where my friend
Louisiana Joe is from.
331
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,495
MARGE:
Marfa, Texas.
332
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,232
Why don't you go see him
and clear your conscience?
333
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,501
Plus, I always wanted to visit
Texas. It's open carry.
334
00:14:30,604 --> 00:14:32,370
Oh, what do I do?
335
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,340
If I go see him, he might
punch me in the kisser,
336
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,709
or kiss me in the puncher.
337
00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:40,578
-(gunfire)
-Our manhood is
under assault, Sergeant.
338
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,182
-Incoming gay panic!
-(groaning)
339
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,051
(panting)
340
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,021
Abe, promise me one thing.
341
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,824
Go see Philip.
Tell him you're sorry.
342
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:56,060
Then find my girl
and tell her I loved her.
343
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:59,797
Find the milkman
and tell him one less milk.
344
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,267
Then find Branch Rickey
and tell him
345
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:05,436
to integrate baseball.
346
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,606
I have to go to Texas.
347
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,243
-Well, you're not going alone.
-We're all going to Texas.
348
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,913
The plant can get by without me
for a little longer.
349
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,953
WOMAN'S VOICE (on GPS):
Turn left at the stop sign.
350
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,622
Bear right onto the freeway.
351
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,125
Go absolutely straight for...
352
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:29,394
480 miles.
353
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:32,130
♪ I saw miles and miles
354
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,831
♪ Of Texas
355
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,968
♪ All the stars up in the sky
356
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,804
♪ I saw miles and miles
357
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,639
♪ Of Texas
358
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:44,108
♪ Gonna live here
359
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:47,078
♪ Till I die.
360
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,994
Prada?
In the middle of nowhere?
361
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,199
This isn't a store at all.
It's an art installation.
362
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,234
Marfa is the art capital
of Texas.
363
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,770
Over there are the Marfa lights.
364
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,239
Oh, how magical.
365
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,209
I know, they seem that way,
but there's an explanation.
366
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,445
-It turns out reflected light...
-Don't ruin it.
367
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,612
(humming)
368
00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:23,614
Why are you going
behind the installation?
369
00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:25,917
It's by the side of the road,
so, by definition,
370
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,785
it's a bathroom.
371
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,621
(moaning)
372
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,424
That's where Philip lives.
373
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:37,428
37 miles to my destiny.
374
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,664
-(zips)
-Son? As I've gotten older,
375
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,267
I've started to think maybe
a man can love different things
376
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:46,304
-and still be a man.
-Grampa's gay!
377
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,672
Why you little...
378
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,807
(grunting)
379
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,976
Wait, Homer!
No. Stop.
380
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,811
You might be strangling him
381
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,047
because of your own
conflicted feelings.
382
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,715
Why you thoughtful...
383
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,084
-(screaming)
-(grunting)
384
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,820
-Homer!
-Okay, time to go.
385
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,188
(gasps)
386
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,691
Now to face my greatest fear:
387
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,827
someone who only
had love for me.
388
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,701
Better lock and load.
389
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:20,138
♪ There's a handsome man
in Texas ♪
390
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,874
♪ That I'm going back to see
391
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,810
♪ He was supposed to take
my picture ♪
392
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,579
♪ Then he got sweet on me
393
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:32,183
♪ I buried it for decades
394
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,185
♪ Deep inside my brain
395
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,854
♪ But then I played
with army men ♪
396
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,223
♪ And it came up again
397
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,459
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo ♪
398
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,694
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, d... ♪
399
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:44,695
Oh!
400
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:47,532
I'm seeing things.
401
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,572
PHILIP:
Hello, Abe.
402
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:57,508
You've aged well,
like a fine onion.
403
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,511
I hope you can forgive
what I did to you.
404
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,680
I'm sorry I ruined your life.
405
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,349
Ruined my life?
You saved it.
406
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,019
-I saved it?
-Let me explain.
407
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,021
After I lost my job,
408
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:13,558
I decided I'd never live
anything but my truth again.
409
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,595
My wife took it well.
410
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:20,598
I hit the road and drove
as far as I could.
411
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,569
I landed here and I've never had
a day of regret since.
412
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,606
What's the matter?
413
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,275
You're such a wonderful guy.
414
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,212
Maybe it was my life
that was ruined that day.
415
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,581
It's never too late, Abe.
416
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,351
Never too late to find out
what your true self is.
417
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,687
A paper at Cornell University
418
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,657
has showed that no one
is 100% straight or gay.
419
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,460
-Is it peer reviewed?
-Does it matter?
420
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,563
Ah, I'm afraid I'm too old
to try anything new.
421
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,399
I miss the days
when circuses had elephants
422
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,201
and they stomped on people.
423
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,571
And don't get me started
on Young Sheldon.
424
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,174
Understood, but before you go,
425
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,177
we never did finish
that photo session.
426
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,479
("Blue Rondo à la Turk" by the
Dave Brubeck Quartet playing)
427
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:18,589
It's a shot I always wanted
and never got:
428
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,591
your beautiful smile.
429
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,126
Why didn't you say so?
430
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,429
I'll leave that with you.
431
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,798
Enjoy your life.
432
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,808
The Alamo's not the only thing
I'm gonna remember.
433
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,213
Well?
434
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,382
Sorry, my friend, this army man
435
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,651
is as straight as Gomer Pyle.
436
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,386
(laughs)
437
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,659
Good for you, soldier.
438
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,228
You learned that army men
come in all orientations,
439
00:19:57,330 --> 00:20:00,665
but we're all molded
from the same crappy plastic.
440
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,401
Permission to pair up, sir?
441
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,403
Granted.
442
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,406
Radio man, a little dance music,
if you please.
443
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,408
(romantic music plays)
444
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,920
-The local population hates us,
and we don't know
445
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,390
-why we're here.
-Maybe if we build a school,
446
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:27,858
they'll forget about
that hospital we bombed.
447
00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:31,596
Uh-oh, Congress didn't
fund enough body armor.
448
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,665
Well, this is too sad.
Let's melt 'em in the microwave.
449
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,501
Oh, boy!
450
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,204
♪ This is the Army,
Mr. Jones ♪
451
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,208
♪ No private rooms
or telephones ♪
452
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:50,181
♪ You had your breakfast
in bed before ♪
453
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:54,185
♪ But you won't
have it there anymore ♪
454
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:58,089
♪ This is the Army,
Mr. Green ♪
455
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:03,794
♪ We like the barracks
nice and clean ♪
456
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:07,765
♪ You had a housemaid
to clean your floor ♪
457
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:11,736
♪ But she won't
help you out any more. ♪
458
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,738
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
459
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,740
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
460
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,742
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
461
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:19,810
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
462
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,949
-LAWRENCE O'DONNELL:
Last word!
-Shh!
37647
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