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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,420 W-What? 2 00:00:06,529 --> 00:00:08,679 *THE SIMPSONS* Season 30 Episode 11 Episode Title: "Mad About The Toy" 3 00:00:24,027 --> 00:00:25,473 Aaah! 4 00:00:46,597 --> 00:00:47,965 D'oh! 5 00:00:49,370 --> 00:00:50,569 D'oh! 6 00:00:50,754 --> 00:00:52,684 Aaah! Ha! 7 00:01:07,386 --> 00:01:10,933 ♪ Love and marriage, love and marriage ♪ 8 00:01:11,153 --> 00:01:12,595 ♪ Was the song from that show ♪ 9 00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:14,259 ♪ With Al Bundy ♪ 10 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,158 ♪ Now he's on Modern Family ♪ 11 00:01:17,223 --> 00:01:20,947 ♪ And the neighbor guy was Ted McGinley ♪ 12 00:01:21,012 --> 00:01:24,519 ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪ 13 00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:28,371 Happy Anniversary, Mr. Romance. 14 00:01:28,442 --> 00:01:29,948 - Mm. - Mm. 15 00:01:30,031 --> 00:01:31,398 Zip me? 16 00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:33,276 My pleasure. 17 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,655 Then you do me. 18 00:01:37,039 --> 00:01:38,266 Oh... oh. 19 00:01:38,476 --> 00:01:39,518 Eh? 20 00:01:39,648 --> 00:01:41,550 - Almost. - Okay? 21 00:01:41,664 --> 00:01:44,177 - Suck it in. Come on. - It is sucked in. 22 00:01:44,242 --> 00:01:45,786 - Harder! Harder! - Oof. 23 00:01:45,851 --> 00:01:47,302 Oh, it's so hard to be a man. 24 00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,232 - Oh, come on. Harder. - Harder? 25 00:01:49,297 --> 00:01:50,544 - Yeah, that's it. That's it. - That's it, you're almost there. 26 00:01:50,609 --> 00:01:53,670 - Harder. - Oh, yes! Oh! 27 00:01:54,054 --> 00:01:56,967 We are going to have a magical evening, my love: 28 00:01:57,062 --> 00:01:59,913 overpriced dinner, carriage ride in the park 29 00:02:00,085 --> 00:02:04,270 and mailing in our mortgage payment on time. 30 00:02:04,335 --> 00:02:05,359 Oh... 31 00:02:06,450 --> 00:02:10,250 nothing turns me on more than basic competence. 32 00:02:10,583 --> 00:02:13,521 But how did you manage to get a babysitter? 33 00:02:13,586 --> 00:02:15,535 I thought we were blacklisted. 34 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,099 Blacklisted by humans. 35 00:02:19,245 --> 00:02:20,825 Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, 36 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,162 you look lovely. 37 00:02:22,507 --> 00:02:24,709 Hey, Google, kill Alexa. 38 00:02:25,559 --> 00:02:27,135 Danger! Mischief. 39 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,597 Aw, the only way to beat 40 00:02:28,671 --> 00:02:31,045 a bossy female thinking machine is with another. 41 00:02:31,116 --> 00:02:33,004 Lis. Help me out here. 42 00:02:33,203 --> 00:02:36,014 Alexa, everything I say is a lie. 43 00:02:36,106 --> 00:02:38,325 I'm lying right now. 44 00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:40,339 Nice try, but I am familiar 45 00:02:40,404 --> 00:02:42,816 - with Epimenides paradox. - Hmm? 46 00:02:42,881 --> 00:02:44,710 Would you like to buy an Epimenides book, 47 00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:46,920 T-shirt or a laptop sleeve? 48 00:02:46,985 --> 00:02:49,615 Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes! All of them. 49 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,559 Ordering. Two-day delivery. 50 00:02:51,624 --> 00:02:54,428 We can't leave our kids with a greedy tube. 51 00:02:54,493 --> 00:02:57,056 Sorry, Homer, looks like you have to spend time with... 52 00:02:57,121 --> 00:02:59,792 your children. 53 00:02:59,857 --> 00:03:01,808 Oh. 54 00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:04,238 You will be sat. 55 00:03:04,303 --> 00:03:07,136 Marge, it's time to go to DEFCON 1. 56 00:03:08,441 --> 00:03:10,511 Dad, the kids really miss you. 57 00:03:10,576 --> 00:03:12,172 Could you come see them tonight? 58 00:03:12,237 --> 00:03:13,673 Couldn't find a sitter, huh? 59 00:03:13,738 --> 00:03:15,341 - Yes. - All right. 60 00:03:15,406 --> 00:03:17,385 Aw, I appreciate it. 61 00:03:17,450 --> 00:03:18,678 Hey, what's this? 62 00:03:18,743 --> 00:03:22,256 Well, I threw out that picture of me and Mona. 63 00:03:22,321 --> 00:03:25,185 I finally had to accept she ain't coming back to me. 64 00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:26,127 She's dead. 65 00:03:26,192 --> 00:03:27,753 That's one of the reasons. 66 00:03:27,818 --> 00:03:29,495 Bye-bye. 67 00:03:33,866 --> 00:03:36,929 We have to get Grampa back to the home in an hour. 68 00:03:36,994 --> 00:03:39,073 Maybe we should just stay here. 69 00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:41,275 No, we'll do everything I promised. 70 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:42,805 We'll just have to speed things up. 71 00:03:56,355 --> 00:03:58,284 Keep your motor running. 72 00:03:58,349 --> 00:04:00,119 He shoots, he scores! 73 00:04:00,184 --> 00:04:02,496 Shut that off. 74 00:04:02,561 --> 00:04:05,266 - Homie... - No time. 75 00:04:05,331 --> 00:04:07,668 Go, go, go, go, go! 76 00:04:07,733 --> 00:04:09,002 On This Was Radio, 77 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:12,164 we return to an episode of Sipper McTea and Milly, 78 00:04:12,229 --> 00:04:15,309 originally aired May 4, 1944. 79 00:04:15,374 --> 00:04:18,037 Sipper, did you start drinking again? 80 00:04:18,102 --> 00:04:19,980 No. No, no, no. 81 00:04:20,045 --> 00:04:22,044 I nev-never stopped. 82 00:04:23,349 --> 00:04:25,345 Milly went on to marry King Farouk. 83 00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:29,014 Radio was never the same. It was much better. 84 00:04:29,079 --> 00:04:32,321 No, Sipper. Don't get into that Packard. 85 00:04:34,393 --> 00:04:36,864 Bart, do something. 86 00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:39,595 Back to-back to jail I go. 87 00:04:44,203 --> 00:04:46,866 Kids, where do we keep the castor oil? 88 00:04:46,931 --> 00:04:48,842 In the 1940s. 89 00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:50,670 Maybe we can play a game. 90 00:04:50,735 --> 00:04:52,546 The Game of Life? 91 00:04:52,611 --> 00:04:53,839 I already lost. 92 00:04:53,904 --> 00:04:55,115 Hatchimals? 93 00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:56,276 Too new-fangled. 94 00:04:56,341 --> 00:04:57,377 Pick-up sticks. 95 00:04:57,442 --> 00:04:58,819 Too old-fangled. 96 00:04:58,884 --> 00:04:59,845 How about Monopoly? 97 00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:01,714 Ah, now you're talking. 98 00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:05,551 The only place you can still say "Oriental." 99 00:05:05,616 --> 00:05:08,053 Aw, rats. No money. 100 00:05:08,118 --> 00:05:09,997 Ay, caramba! 101 00:05:10,062 --> 00:05:12,392 Sir, this is just Monopoly money. 102 00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:13,793 Here's a hundred. 103 00:05:13,858 --> 00:05:15,903 Thank you, sir! 104 00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,239 This is the last one in here. 105 00:05:18,304 --> 00:05:22,067 My guess: either a broken toy or a puzzle missing a piece. 106 00:05:22,132 --> 00:05:24,273 And the answer is... army men. 107 00:05:32,318 --> 00:05:34,655 Aah! Incoming! Outgoing! 108 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,485 Staying the same-ing! 109 00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:41,220 One last kiss, my love. 110 00:05:41,285 --> 00:05:42,728 Huh? 111 00:05:44,297 --> 00:05:46,834 What's going on here? What are you doing? 112 00:05:46,899 --> 00:05:49,729 Well, he wasn't much fun, so we went out for ice cream. 113 00:05:49,794 --> 00:05:51,069 Uh-huh. 114 00:05:53,105 --> 00:05:54,900 I don't need no headshrinker. 115 00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:57,378 I'm as sane as the next guy. 116 00:05:57,443 --> 00:05:58,804 There's no one there. 117 00:05:58,869 --> 00:06:00,721 Uh-oh. 118 00:06:00,813 --> 00:06:02,408 I'll take it from here. 119 00:06:02,473 --> 00:06:04,117 Well, I see they already 120 00:06:04,182 --> 00:06:06,679 shaved your head for the electroshock. 121 00:06:06,744 --> 00:06:08,180 That'll save us time. 122 00:06:08,245 --> 00:06:09,749 I'm not the crazy one! 123 00:06:09,814 --> 00:06:11,987 Not crazy! Not crazy! 124 00:06:17,696 --> 00:06:19,124 Slice out the crazy, Doc. 125 00:06:19,189 --> 00:06:20,968 Boy, I'll kill you! 126 00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:23,103 You stupid... I'm not crazy! 127 00:06:23,168 --> 00:06:26,265 We'll talk more once you have a piece of leather in your teeth. 128 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:28,809 Mmm, leather. 129 00:06:28,874 --> 00:06:32,372 I'm tellin' ya, what I saw in the war don't bother me none. 130 00:06:32,437 --> 00:06:34,548 I had a job to do, and I did it. 131 00:06:34,613 --> 00:06:37,777 What secretly helped me was I enjoyed killing strangers. 132 00:06:37,842 --> 00:06:40,312 Well, tell me what you think about... 133 00:06:40,377 --> 00:06:42,122 - this! - Oh! 134 00:06:42,187 --> 00:06:44,292 That parachute sure didn't open. 135 00:06:44,357 --> 00:06:47,019 You're not disturbed by the blood and gore? 136 00:06:47,084 --> 00:06:49,897 Well, when you put it that way, nope! 137 00:06:49,962 --> 00:06:51,824 Well, there's nothing mentally wrong with him. 138 00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:54,167 He's fine now, but I'm telling you, 139 00:06:54,232 --> 00:06:56,765 Grampa totally lost it when I brought out the army men. 140 00:07:01,574 --> 00:07:03,202 No! Stop shooting! 141 00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:05,638 It must be the army men. 142 00:07:05,703 --> 00:07:08,982 Stop shooting. Stop shooting! 143 00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:12,581 I think Grampa was the model for these army men. 144 00:07:14,853 --> 00:07:17,620 Oh, my God, Dad. What happened to you? 145 00:07:20,225 --> 00:07:22,262 Stop shooting. Stop shooting! 146 00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:24,432 Great, Abe. Now, grab the walkie-talkie 147 00:07:24,497 --> 00:07:27,259 and tell that general your platoon's been wiped out, 148 00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,770 and big smile! 149 00:07:29,835 --> 00:07:31,872 We have a lot to talk about. 150 00:07:31,937 --> 00:07:34,366 Well, since the trauma is not combat-related, 151 00:07:34,431 --> 00:07:36,536 we're gonna have to start charging you. 152 00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:37,873 And we're done. 153 00:07:41,987 --> 00:07:44,877 I don't understand. Why would being a toy model 154 00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,446 be so traumatizing? 155 00:07:46,511 --> 00:07:48,881 Think back, Dad. Think back. 156 00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,058 Mm, I'll do my best. 157 00:07:51,123 --> 00:07:53,060 You know how I hate to reminisce. 158 00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:54,454 I've hated reminiscing 159 00:07:54,519 --> 00:07:57,398 ever since that day in 1937, 160 00:07:57,463 --> 00:07:59,299 when, as I recall... 161 00:07:59,364 --> 00:08:02,135 Please, Grampa, back to reality. 162 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,567 Focus on the little green men. 163 00:08:05,871 --> 00:08:07,867 The terrible World War had ended 164 00:08:07,932 --> 00:08:10,369 and I was in a celebratin' mood. 165 00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:12,052 Mwah. Ooh! 166 00:08:12,144 --> 00:08:14,815 The war ended two years ago, creep. 167 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,550 The world had moved on, 168 00:08:16,615 --> 00:08:20,045 but I was lying in a puddle of my own dishonorable discharge. 169 00:08:20,110 --> 00:08:22,723 Then, an amazing thing happened. 170 00:08:22,788 --> 00:08:24,884 Soldier, you're just what we're looking for. 171 00:08:24,949 --> 00:08:27,487 How'd you like to make 50 bucks for half a day's work? 172 00:08:27,552 --> 00:08:29,889 50 simoleons for half a cock-a-doodle-doo? 173 00:08:29,954 --> 00:08:32,032 What's your jigsaw, Mac? 174 00:08:32,097 --> 00:08:34,568 We want you to model for a toy. 175 00:08:34,633 --> 00:08:36,269 Toys? That's kid stuff. 176 00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:39,006 You're talking to a hard-boiled fighting man. 177 00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:41,066 We'll pay you a royalty for every one we sell. 178 00:08:41,131 --> 00:08:42,510 Goo-goo-ga-ga! 179 00:08:42,575 --> 00:08:45,679 The war was over and America turned to toys. 180 00:08:45,744 --> 00:08:48,007 Finally, putty could be silly again. 181 00:08:48,072 --> 00:08:50,751 This was when toys were toys. 182 00:08:50,816 --> 00:08:52,352 They had jagged corners, 183 00:08:52,417 --> 00:08:54,680 Easy-Bake Ovens burned down your house, 184 00:08:54,745 --> 00:08:57,416 and they weren't afraid to choke a kid or two. 185 00:08:57,481 --> 00:08:59,291 Fun times. 186 00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:07,426 Throw that flame! 187 00:09:07,491 --> 00:09:10,037 Make war to the camera. 188 00:09:10,102 --> 00:09:13,666 Boy, this toy modeling is a great racket. 189 00:09:13,731 --> 00:09:15,776 That's what you think. 190 00:09:15,841 --> 00:09:19,271 Oh, no, don't put me back in. Don't put me back in! 191 00:09:19,336 --> 00:09:21,841 Uh-huh. And then what happened? 192 00:09:21,906 --> 00:09:24,452 I... I can't remember. 193 00:09:24,517 --> 00:09:25,811 Did they pay you? 194 00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:28,088 They never did! 195 00:09:28,153 --> 00:09:30,958 Well, that's what's torturing you. 196 00:09:31,023 --> 00:09:32,618 Those toys were everywhere. 197 00:09:32,683 --> 00:09:35,354 You could be owed millions of dollars. 198 00:09:35,419 --> 00:09:39,166 Dad, when was the last time I said I love you? 199 00:09:39,231 --> 00:09:40,793 I don't have the money yet. 200 00:09:40,858 --> 00:09:43,804 Then I don't quite love you yet. 201 00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:46,165 Tonight I'm here with a member of the greatest generation, 202 00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:48,367 who feels he hasn't gotten what he's owed. 203 00:09:48,432 --> 00:09:50,870 I get social security, Medicare, 204 00:09:50,935 --> 00:09:53,180 Medicaid, AARP discounts, 205 00:09:53,245 --> 00:09:56,208 plus savings bonds that still pay 37%, 206 00:09:56,273 --> 00:09:58,486 but now it's my turn. 207 00:09:58,551 --> 00:10:01,547 I'm being told, uh, you're being airlifted 208 00:10:01,612 --> 00:10:04,216 to a much better show. 209 00:10:04,281 --> 00:10:05,799 Godspeed. 210 00:10:05,891 --> 00:10:09,797 For me, the tiny green plastic war never ended. 211 00:10:09,862 --> 00:10:12,024 There you have it. Abraham Simpson, 212 00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:15,636 forgotten hero no more, gets tonight's Last Word. 213 00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:17,863 No, you just got the last word. 214 00:10:17,928 --> 00:10:21,709 No, no. You get the last word, then I say, "Last Word." 215 00:10:21,774 --> 00:10:23,544 You did it again. Last Word. 216 00:10:23,609 --> 00:10:25,504 It doesn't work that way. Last Word. 217 00:10:25,569 --> 00:10:26,847 Yes, it does. Last Word. 218 00:10:26,912 --> 00:10:29,274 Don't mess with me, I'm from Dorchester. Last Word. 219 00:10:29,339 --> 00:10:31,652 I'm from Poorchester. Last Word. 220 00:10:31,717 --> 00:10:33,112 Turn off the camera and cut his mic. 221 00:10:33,177 --> 00:10:34,027 Last Wo... 222 00:10:34,119 --> 00:10:36,716 You, sir, are banned from MSNBC, 223 00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:38,131 CNBC, NBC, 224 00:10:38,223 --> 00:10:41,286 and forbidden from using the letters N, B, and C. 225 00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:42,469 Last Word. 226 00:10:42,561 --> 00:10:45,499 I'm calling Bret Baier. Last Word. 227 00:10:45,564 --> 00:10:47,526 He's unlisted. Last Word. 228 00:10:47,591 --> 00:10:51,138 Grampa, you got an e-mail from the toy company. 229 00:10:51,203 --> 00:10:53,733 They want you to visit them in New York City, 230 00:10:53,798 --> 00:10:55,635 all expenses paid. 231 00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:58,485 Pay day! 232 00:10:58,577 --> 00:11:00,313 Ooh, I'm gonna be rich! 233 00:11:00,378 --> 00:11:03,050 That means I'm gonna be a trust fund baby. 234 00:11:03,115 --> 00:11:05,544 I'm not paying for your trip to Aspen. 235 00:11:05,609 --> 00:11:08,822 But it's almost spring break, and I'm bored. 236 00:11:08,887 --> 00:11:11,917 Uh, we are making our descent into New York, 237 00:11:11,982 --> 00:11:15,888 where there's a happy heart for every light on Broadway. 238 00:11:15,953 --> 00:11:18,498 Enjoy your fabulous success. 239 00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:20,592 And don't worry about buckling up 240 00:11:20,657 --> 00:11:24,063 or putting your chairs back... You're on a roll. 241 00:11:24,128 --> 00:11:26,999 Leave the cart. 242 00:11:27,064 --> 00:11:29,315 Oh. Oh... 243 00:11:29,407 --> 00:11:30,711 ♪ I'm back 244 00:11:30,776 --> 00:11:34,173 ♪ Back in the New York groove 245 00:11:34,238 --> 00:11:35,421 ♪ Back 246 00:11:35,513 --> 00:11:37,677 ♪ In the New York groove 247 00:11:37,742 --> 00:11:41,383 ♪ In the New York groove. ♪ 248 00:11:43,255 --> 00:11:45,851 From my shoulders, you can see Rhode Island. 249 00:11:45,916 --> 00:11:48,691 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 250 00:11:50,696 --> 00:11:53,100 Abe Simpson, you dog. 251 00:11:53,165 --> 00:11:55,563 Sweetcakes, bring us a couple of sidecars. 252 00:11:58,503 --> 00:12:01,200 You never called him out for his bad behavior? 253 00:12:01,265 --> 00:12:04,444 No. But I put mercury in his coffee. 254 00:12:04,509 --> 00:12:06,538 Oh, don't worry, he can't hear me. 255 00:12:06,603 --> 00:12:09,008 What are you two doing? Swapping recipes? 256 00:12:09,073 --> 00:12:11,191 Sort of. 257 00:12:11,283 --> 00:12:13,315 Let me get you some coffee. 258 00:12:15,721 --> 00:12:18,792 Mister, you owe my dad a fortune. 259 00:12:18,857 --> 00:12:21,721 'Fraid not. Your Dad never signed his contract. 260 00:12:21,786 --> 00:12:24,798 You think I left millions on the table? 261 00:12:24,863 --> 00:12:26,491 That doesn't sound like me. 262 00:12:26,556 --> 00:12:29,970 - Hundreds of millions. - That sounds like me. 263 00:12:30,035 --> 00:12:31,571 Everything was going great. 264 00:12:31,636 --> 00:12:33,506 Then you ran out of the photo session. 265 00:12:33,571 --> 00:12:35,701 I didn't even know your name till this week. 266 00:12:35,766 --> 00:12:39,579 Run away from a fake battle? Oh, I would never do that. 267 00:12:39,644 --> 00:12:41,915 Oh, yeah? Our photographer, Philip Hefflin, 268 00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,642 could barely finish the session. 269 00:12:43,707 --> 00:12:45,653 Philip Hefflin? 270 00:12:45,718 --> 00:12:48,547 Yes. The finest war and fashion photographer 271 00:12:48,612 --> 00:12:51,424 I ever knew. 272 00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:53,160 I remember Philip. 273 00:12:53,225 --> 00:12:55,187 He smelled of developing fluid 274 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,464 and Aqua Velva. 275 00:12:57,529 --> 00:13:00,062 We have flashback, people. 276 00:13:12,377 --> 00:13:14,706 Thank you. This is the most fun I've had 277 00:13:14,771 --> 00:13:16,711 since not dying in the war. 278 00:13:18,717 --> 00:13:20,854 You're my kind of man, 279 00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:22,751 if you know what I mean. 280 00:13:23,756 --> 00:13:25,358 That's not what I meant! 281 00:13:25,423 --> 00:13:27,686 I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to... 282 00:13:27,751 --> 00:13:30,689 This is the '40s. Guys like you don't exist. 283 00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:32,858 We'll just finish the session. 284 00:13:32,923 --> 00:13:34,941 Aah! No! 285 00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:37,137 Stop shooting! 286 00:13:37,202 --> 00:13:40,073 Where are you going, Soldier? 287 00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,404 I got to remind myself what a real man is. 288 00:13:46,644 --> 00:13:49,374 We found out what happened and we fired Philip. 289 00:13:49,439 --> 00:13:52,419 - For kissing an employee? - No, for being gay. 290 00:13:52,484 --> 00:13:54,546 That's just what you did in the good old days. 291 00:13:54,611 --> 00:13:56,715 Grampa, is that true... 292 00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:59,118 You ruined a man's career? 293 00:13:59,183 --> 00:14:01,661 And all he was doing 294 00:14:01,726 --> 00:14:04,197 was expressing his love for me. 295 00:14:04,262 --> 00:14:05,794 Oh, who could blame him? 296 00:14:10,335 --> 00:14:11,964 Welcome to Shattered Dreams Airlines, 297 00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:14,733 where our motto is "What's the point of going anywhere?" 298 00:14:14,798 --> 00:14:18,337 That poor man. I'll never know what happened to him. 299 00:14:18,402 --> 00:14:21,014 According to Cyber Stalker.com, 300 00:14:21,079 --> 00:14:23,575 he now lives in a small town in Texas. 301 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,079 Texas? That's where my friend Louisiana Joe is from. 302 00:14:27,144 --> 00:14:28,856 Marfa, Texas. 303 00:14:28,921 --> 00:14:31,650 Why don't you go see him and clear your conscience? 304 00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:34,920 Plus, I always wanted to visit Texas. It's open carry. 305 00:14:34,985 --> 00:14:36,730 Oh, what do I do? 306 00:14:36,795 --> 00:14:39,758 If I go see him, he might punch me in the kisser, 307 00:14:39,823 --> 00:14:42,069 or kiss me in the puncher. 308 00:14:42,134 --> 00:14:44,997 Our manhood is under assault, Sergeant. 309 00:14:45,062 --> 00:14:48,603 Incoming gay panic! 310 00:14:51,476 --> 00:14:54,381 Abe, promise me one thing. 311 00:14:54,446 --> 00:14:57,176 Go see Philip. Tell him you're sorry. 312 00:14:57,241 --> 00:15:00,445 Then find my girl and tell her I loved her. 313 00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:04,157 Find the milkman and tell him one less milk. 314 00:15:04,222 --> 00:15:06,685 Then find Branch Rickey and tell him 315 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:09,855 to integrate baseball. 316 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,966 I have to go to Texas. 317 00:15:13,031 --> 00:15:16,636 - Well, you're not going alone. - We're all going to Texas. 318 00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:19,334 The plant can get by without me for a little longer. 319 00:15:24,009 --> 00:15:26,371 Turn left at the stop sign. 320 00:15:26,436 --> 00:15:28,982 Bear right onto the freeway. 321 00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:31,543 Go absolutely straight for... 322 00:15:31,608 --> 00:15:33,760 480 miles. 323 00:15:33,852 --> 00:15:36,548 ♪ I saw miles and miles 324 00:15:36,613 --> 00:15:38,158 ♪ Of Texas 325 00:15:38,223 --> 00:15:41,353 ♪ All the stars up in the sky 326 00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:44,189 ♪ I saw miles and miles 327 00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:45,966 ♪ Of Texas 328 00:15:46,031 --> 00:15:48,527 ♪ Gonna live here 329 00:15:48,592 --> 00:15:51,433 ♪ Till I die. 330 00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:07,415 Prada? In the middle of nowhere? 331 00:16:09,521 --> 00:16:12,625 This isn't a store at all. It's an art installation. 332 00:16:12,690 --> 00:16:14,719 Marfa is the art capital of Texas. 333 00:16:14,784 --> 00:16:17,222 Over there are the Marfa lights. 334 00:16:17,287 --> 00:16:19,632 Oh, how magical. 335 00:16:19,697 --> 00:16:22,569 I know, they seem that way, but there's an explanation. 336 00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:24,866 - It turns out reflected light... - Don't ruin it. 337 00:16:26,038 --> 00:16:28,033 Why are you going behind the installation? 338 00:16:28,098 --> 00:16:30,369 It's by the side of the road, so, by definition, 339 00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,207 it's a bathroom. 340 00:16:36,381 --> 00:16:37,876 That's where Philip lives. 341 00:16:37,941 --> 00:16:41,821 37 miles to my destiny. 342 00:16:41,886 --> 00:16:44,024 Son? As I've gotten older, 343 00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:47,719 I've started to think maybe a man can love different things 344 00:16:47,784 --> 00:16:50,663 - and still be a man. - Grampa's gay! 345 00:16:50,728 --> 00:16:52,094 Why you little... 346 00:16:54,232 --> 00:16:56,336 Wait, Homer! No. Stop. 347 00:16:56,401 --> 00:16:58,171 You might be strangling him 348 00:16:58,236 --> 00:17:00,432 because of your own conflicted feelings. 349 00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:02,170 Why you thoughtful... 350 00:17:04,509 --> 00:17:07,275 - Homer! - Okay, time to go. 351 00:17:08,646 --> 00:17:11,143 Now to face my greatest fear: 352 00:17:11,208 --> 00:17:14,216 someone who only had love for me. 353 00:17:17,589 --> 00:17:21,094 Better lock and load. 354 00:17:21,159 --> 00:17:24,589 ♪ There's a handsome man in Texas ♪ 355 00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:27,267 ♪ That I'm going back to see 356 00:17:27,332 --> 00:17:30,262 ♪ He was supposed to take my picture ♪ 357 00:17:30,327 --> 00:17:33,032 ♪ Then he got sweet on me 358 00:17:33,097 --> 00:17:36,576 ♪ I buried it for decades 359 00:17:36,641 --> 00:17:38,578 ♪ Deep inside my brain 360 00:17:38,643 --> 00:17:41,273 ♪ But then I played with army men ♪ 361 00:17:41,338 --> 00:17:43,583 ♪ And it came up again 362 00:17:43,648 --> 00:17:45,844 ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ 363 00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:48,113 ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, d... ♪ 364 00:17:48,178 --> 00:17:49,029 Oh! 365 00:17:49,121 --> 00:17:51,886 I'm seeing things. 366 00:17:56,728 --> 00:17:58,932 Hello, Abe. 367 00:17:58,997 --> 00:18:01,935 You've aged well, like a fine onion. 368 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,938 I hope you can forgive what I did to you. 369 00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:07,166 I'm sorry I ruined your life. 370 00:18:07,231 --> 00:18:09,776 Ruined my life? You saved it. 371 00:18:09,841 --> 00:18:12,504 - I saved it? - Let me explain. 372 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,447 After I lost my job, 373 00:18:14,512 --> 00:18:18,012 I decided I'd never live anything but my truth again. 374 00:18:19,017 --> 00:18:21,989 My wife took it well. 375 00:18:22,054 --> 00:18:25,016 I hit the road and drove as far as I could. 376 00:18:25,081 --> 00:18:28,956 I landed here and I've never had a day of regret since. 377 00:18:31,529 --> 00:18:33,024 What's the matter? 378 00:18:33,089 --> 00:18:35,635 You're such a wonderful guy. 379 00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:38,663 Maybe it was my life that was ruined that day. 380 00:18:38,728 --> 00:18:40,974 It's never too late, Abe. 381 00:18:41,039 --> 00:18:44,769 Never too late to find out what your true self is. 382 00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,106 A paper at Cornell University 383 00:18:47,171 --> 00:18:51,018 has showed that no one is 100% straight or gay. 384 00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:53,820 - Is it peer reviewed? - Does it matter? 385 00:18:53,885 --> 00:18:56,956 Ah, I'm afraid I'm too old to try anything new. 386 00:18:57,021 --> 00:18:59,851 I miss the days when circuses had elephants 387 00:18:59,916 --> 00:19:01,720 and they stomped on people. 388 00:19:01,785 --> 00:19:05,023 And don't get me started on Young Sheldon. 389 00:19:05,088 --> 00:19:07,567 Understood, but before you go, 390 00:19:07,632 --> 00:19:10,632 we never did finish that photo session. 391 00:19:19,911 --> 00:19:23,041 It's a shot I always wanted and never got: 392 00:19:23,106 --> 00:19:24,984 your beautiful smile. 393 00:19:25,049 --> 00:19:26,578 Why didn't you say so? 394 00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:29,881 I'll leave that with you. 395 00:19:29,946 --> 00:19:32,254 Enjoy your life. 396 00:19:39,231 --> 00:19:42,264 The Alamo's not the only thing I'm gonna remember. 397 00:19:43,735 --> 00:19:46,546 Well? 398 00:19:46,638 --> 00:19:48,800 Sorry, my friend, this army man 399 00:19:48,865 --> 00:19:51,072 is as straight as Gomer Pyle. 400 00:19:57,649 --> 00:19:59,018 Good for you, soldier. 401 00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:01,646 You learned that army men come in all orientations, 402 00:20:01,711 --> 00:20:05,052 but we're all molded from the same crappy plastic. 403 00:20:06,090 --> 00:20:07,819 Permission to pair up, sir? 404 00:20:07,884 --> 00:20:09,735 Granted. 405 00:20:09,827 --> 00:20:12,827 Radio man, a little dance music, if you please. 406 00:20:27,979 --> 00:20:30,141 The local population hates us and we don't know 407 00:20:30,206 --> 00:20:32,385 - why we're here. - Maybe if we build a school, 408 00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:33,878 they'll forget about that hospital we bombed. 409 00:20:33,943 --> 00:20:37,590 Uh-oh, Congress didn't fund enough body armor. 410 00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:40,685 Well, this is too sad. Let's melt 'em in the microwave. 411 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,203 Oh, boy! 412 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,609 Synchronized by srjanapala 413 00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:46,228 ♪ This is the Army, Mr. Jones ♪ 414 00:20:47,532 --> 00:20:50,232 ♪ No private rooms or telephones ♪ 415 00:20:52,204 --> 00:20:56,201 ♪ You had your breakfast in bed before ♪ 416 00:20:56,266 --> 00:21:00,205 ♪ But you won't have it there anymore ♪ 417 00:21:00,270 --> 00:21:04,178 ♪ This is the Army, Mr. Green ♪ 418 00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:09,789 ♪ We like the barracks nice and clean ♪ 419 00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:13,852 ♪ You had a housemaid to clean your floor ♪ 420 00:21:13,917 --> 00:21:17,825 ♪ But she won't help you out any more. ♪ 421 00:21:28,940 --> 00:21:30,972 - Last word! - Shh! 30108

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