Original subtitles

Guys, I'm sorry.

The phlebotomy room is for drawing blood,

not for recording your podcast.

Now, before we leave, I have received

a sternly worded missive from oncology

demanding that we return their popcorn maker.

I don't think we have it anymore.

Damn it, Mindy, we can't have another department

mad at us. Not after what happened

with radiology's panini press.

We put crayons in it to see what would happen.

What happened was a building evacuation.

Fine, Jeremy. I'll return it.

Thus removing the only thing that I look forward to

- the entire day. - Wonderful.

Well, if there are no more announcements...

- I have an announcement. - Of course.

So, you guys might all be wondering

why I'm dressed in this beautiful traditional garb.

I've learned never to comment on your appearance.

Good or bad. Lawyers made that very clear.

Mm-hmm.

So, out of respect for my future husband,

I am converting to Morgan's religion.

Morgan's religion? I'm Morgan's religion.

No, he's Siberian Orthodox.

It's a beautiful faith the Russian people have been trying

to genocide for centuries.

Yeah, we will be getting married

at St. Dracul's of the Black Heart in Far Rockaway.

- Wait, what? - Whoa.

I thought this was gonna be a fun black wedding.

Jumping the broom, hallelujer,

maybe Lee Daniels is there and gets drunk and tries to kiss me.

- No. - No, Lee Daniels...

My uncle Arcadi will be there.

And he has the longest beard you've ever seen in your life.

- Aww, man. - So, out of respect

for my new faith, I can no longer

use electricity on Wednesdays and Fridays,

I have to pray 12 times a day,

and I'm gonna be microwaving fish a lot.

[gagging]

It does seem like that might get in the way

of your productivity at work.

Hello? ACLU?

Hey, happy conversion.

- Yeah. - Meeting adjourned.

[theme music]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

MINDY: Oncology is so much nicer than labor and delivery.

Hey, I gotta talk to you about something.

So, now that Tamra's joining my church,

I have to follow all their rules.

[gasps] Do you want me to circumcise you?

I've been dying to try that.

What if I gave you a little popped collar down there?

- And I was like snip, snip. - I'm very circumcised, okay?

Look, I can't be alone in a room with a woman.

Well, who's gonna pull up my Spanx every morning

and cut me out of them every night?

Those were some of the best moments of my life.

- But they're over. - Ugh.

Well, if it isn't Priyanka Nope-ra.

And Doggo Mortensen.

Aww, that hurts, man.

We are here to return your popcorn machine.

And we'd like to check it back out again.

You had it for 18 weeks.

Is that your lipstick on the butter spout?

- We both know that it is. - Okay.

- Okay, bring it around. - Say good-bye to the old girl.

- Bye, Poppy. - Let me say good-bye.

No, not with your bare hands.

- Ugh, God. [groans] - [sighs]

Annette?

Annette, what are you doing here?

You know that Danny doesn't work in this hospital anymore.

Oh, no. You have dementia.

Annette, I am Mindy!

Cut it out. I know who you are.

I dropped your son off at school this morning.

And speaking of dementia,

you forgot to put a shirt on him.

It was a muscle tank. Leo has amazing guns,

and the world needs to see them.

Wait, why are you in the oncology department?

Dr. Richlin's ready to see you now, Ms. Castellano.

Richlin?

You're seeing a cancer specialist?

None of your beeswax. And don't tell anyone I'm here.

Especially Danny.

CHRIS: Come right this way, Annette.

I love that top, by the way.

ANNETTE: Oh... [murmurs indistinctly]

["Ashokan Farewell" plays]

[melancholy violin music]

? ?

- [knocking] - Hey, Dr. K, I'm so sorry.

But the fiddle, it's bumming everyone out.

Yeah, I just cried while performing a woman's pap smear.

- She took it pretty personally. - Yeah, man.

I'm sorry. I'm just lovelorn.

And if I'm being honest, I'm a little tight.

Dr. Hernandez found out about his track record with ladies,

and she's like, "Oh, hell no.

I'm out of here. You nasty."

It's true. Now I can't seem to shake old Mary.

She's like that Six Flags song, destined to be stuck

in my head forever.

Have you tried wearing her down?

- No. - That's how Dr. Reed and I

got girlfriends who wanted nothing to do with us.

We call ourselves the Termite Club.

- [imitates explosion sound] - The Termite Club?

You know how a single termite can fell a majestic oak tree?

- Sure. - That's what Morgan and I do.

Take Tamra and Anna. We weaken magnificent women

until they come crashing down.

Here's the deal. Dr. Hernandez is

is an amazing woman. And you have no right

- to date her. - No.

But with some patience, some perseverance,

and a little good old-fashioned male white entitlement,

you're gonna bring her crashing down right into your bed.

- Timber. - Maybe that could work.

I'll be a termite.

I'm coming for you, Mary Hernandez,

you sexy, unwilling tree.

[Vengaboy's "We Like to Party" plays]

MORGAN: Ooh, Six Flags.

[upbeat violin music]

[upbeat music]

Dr. Hernandez? There's a weird guy

waiting for you in the lobby.

Weird? How?

He called me Buttercup and asked me where I go to church.

Ah, Jody Kimball-Kinney.

Eh. Send him in.

- [both clear throats] - Mary,

I know you think I'm a lech who treats women terribly

- and has weathered many STDs. - Is that not true?

No, you're right on the money.

But I want you to know that I've changed.

And you don't have to answer me now,

but you should know that I intend to come here

every day with a bouquet of flowers

until you agree to let me take you out.

Madam.

What kind of flowers are these?

Dogwood blossoms.

They indicate unreciprocated love.

That's what the homosexual gentleman

at the flower store said.

And what kind of flowers

represent reciprocated affection?

Oh, Ernesto told me this too.

- Ah, Jonquils. - Then bring me some of those

when you pick me up tonight.

- Tonight? - 7:00?

Heh, oh, my goodness.

Uh, took me a while to work up my nerve to come here,

but, uh, that gives me five hours

to sober up, so I should be okay.

I just won't drive. I'll see you at 7:00.

Okay.

She said yes.

[clears throat]

How's your lunch, Dr. L?

Morgan, this is stupid. Just come in here.

I'm not gonna tell Tamra.

[sighs] Okay. Fine.

Hey, no monkey business, all right?

Wait, what's wrong?

How come you're not wearing your lunch sweats?

I'm a little worried, Morgan.

I saw Danny's mom in the oncology wing.

Oh, well, the hospital's a big place.

It's very easy to get lost.

The other night, I followed the sound of laughter

to the morgue... no one was there.

No, no. She had an appointment

with a cancer specialist.

And she made me promise not to tell Danny.

Well, can't do that,

because it's private medical information.

Obviously. It's just, like,

if it was my mom, I would wanna know.

- Yeah, no, this is a classic... - Hey.

Oh, God, no! She tried to seduce me.

Nothing happened yet. Don't tell Tamra.

All right. Hey, Tamra

just got back from shopping.

She said she's gonna make us some big dinner

on Thursday night.

I am gonna bring my appetite,

'cause I'm trying to go up a weight class.

- I know. - Hey, guys.

I'm cooking a classic Siberian feast.

I hope you like reindeer.

Mark Bittman called the recipe,

"an extremely acquired taste."

Oh, that sounds so yummers. Thank you, my bride.

Morgan, you know you're not allowed to thank me

outside of marriage. Oh, my God.

I gotta go soak some bark for the goat stew.

- Dosvidaniy'all. - Good-bye, my love.

Dasvidaniya. Mmm. Reindeer.

So close to Christmas. I love you!

MARY: Jody, I had so much fun tonight.

I've never been carried over a puddle before.

Well, I had fun, too.

And, Mary, if it's not too forward,

I'd like to see you again.

Maybe we could go for a bike ride

or have a picnic in a sculpture garden or...

Or maybe we could have our second date right now.

Upstairs. My place.

To ride bikes?

You must have a very open floor plan.

No, dummy. I mean for sex.

- Por favor. - [laughs]

That means I like.

[car horn honks]

- MARY: [moans] - JODY: Ooh,

that was wonderful, Mary.

Oh, you should come to Atlanta sometime.

- [moans] - There's so much history.

There's CNN, the Coca-Cola museum.

They shoot "Walking Dead" there.

I ran into that Asian fella in the grocery store.

Oh, sounds good, but I'll be gone soon.

You're dying? I knew it.

Another "Autumn in New York" for old Jody.

No, no. I'm just leaving the country.

I'm gonna be with Physicians on the Front for three years.

Three years?

Physicians on the Front?

Isn't that where those doctors rush into disasters

in countries with no air conditioning?

- Yeah. - Why would you wanna do that?

Because they do good work,

and I wanna do something important with my life.

- Oh. - Besides,

we both know that this isn't anything serious.

- Right? - Oh, yeah.

It's way too early for me to be thinking

about settling down, anyway.

- [laughs] - Pound sign "still young."

[chuckles]

[pensive music]

? ?

Thanks for coming in. We can discuss

your course of treatment on Wednesday.

Will your friend Dot be joining us again?

Yes, I will. I'm wearing a wedding ring

so I don't waste my time.

Good-bye, Doc.

- I'll see you on Wednesday. - Course of treatment?

Annette.

You have to tell me what's going on.

Fine.

During my last mammogram, they found a lump.

- It's malignant. - Oh, my God, Annette.

I am so sorry. Wait, why isn't Danny here?

Because he doesn't know.

That's why I didn't go to his hospital.

Why didn't you want Danny to know?

Because he's gonna freak out.

And this is very treatable.

In a month, it'll be like it never happened.

- Fine, but you still... - Stop.

I have given this a lot of thought.

This is how I wanna handle it.

And if you tell Danny, I will never forgive you.

And I am Sicilian. That means something.

It's true. You ever hear her talk

- about her sister Joan? - No.

Exactly. Let's go.

? ?

CHRIS: Okay, you are all set.

I'm just gonna be right down the hallway,

so if you experience any discomfort,

just press that button and I'll be right over.

I'm already not loving this chair.

The button is for Annette, ma'am.

Annette. Dot.

Really? What are you doing here?

Look, I know that you don't want Danny to know.

But now that I know, I might as well be helpful.

I have this under control.

I've seen every episode of "Chicago Med."

"Dr. Halstead, there's a crash on the L.

Bring the paddles and an intubator, stat."

- See? I got this. - Here's the deal.

You are Leo's grandmother.

And you're my family. And now that I know,

I'm obviously gonna get involved.

And honestly, if you put up any more resistance,

I'm gonna tell Danny.

Blackmailing a cancer patient...

They have this on "Chicago Med."

All right, all right, all right, look, Mindy.

You wanna stay, good.

Just sit and keep to yourself.

Thank you so much.

You will not regret this.

- I will be like a ghost. - Mm-hmm.

You will not even know that I'm here.

Great.

Like a ghost.

[whispers] You won't even know that I'm here.

Morgan, where are your scrubs?

Look, we would all like to wear

our peasant tops around the office,

but it's not professional.

All right, Tamra bought this for me,

and she'll be very mad if I take it off.

But if you forbade me from wearing it,

- I would have to take it off. - Are you insane?

She'll come after me.

Whoa, Jody. All right.

Normally you're more secretive

about your daytime work drinking.

Well, I just don't have the energy

to keep up appearances today.

It's Mary. Things aren't going well.

You know why? Because she's too good for you.

Did I offend you? Are you gonna force me

- to take off my Russian shirt? - JODY: No,

we've already slept together.

Well, then why the hell are you complaining?

Jody, you don't need the Termite Club.

You just felled Mary like you were some Dutch elm disease.

Mary just wants to have a fling

before she goes off to Physicians on the Front.

M�dicins Sur Le Front?

Oh, they're a wonderful organization.

Do not let her go.

Okay, she will meet a charming Frenchman

named Jacques in linen pants and salt-and-pepper scruff.

- Oh, for... - Ooh, sounds hot.

I'd pick him over you.

You know, Jody, you made the classic mistake.

Once you find a woman who's too good for you,

you gotta trap her with the one weakness

that all women share.

Chocolate? The friendship of gay men?

Volkswagen Jettas? Uh...

No. Fear.

- MORGAN: Yeah. - [whispers] Fear.

You gotta make her so scared for her future

that you are the only safe, viable option.

God, you're such an idiot.

- Right? - Did I offend you now?

- Mm. - Please make me

take off the shirt. Say, "Morgan, take it off."

[upbeat music]

Hey, you guys haven't had any of these cookies.

They're from the best bakery in Manhattan.

Well, that must be the problem.

Too fancy.

I just prefer a plain American cookie.

[door rattles open]

Annette. We should schedule

your next chemo appointment.

How about next Thursday?

Uh, no. Won't work.

Father Michael is coming for supper.

I have to clean all day.

Uh, how about the following Monday, then?

No good. We got tickets

at Mohegan Sun to see two of the Four Seasons.

- Yes, we do. - [chuckles] Annette,

I think it's important that you try to keep

kind of a consistent schedule

with your chemotherapy appointments.

And I think it's important for her

to have a sense of normalcy during this tragic time.

I don't totally disagree with that.

I just think that a cancer treatment is more important

than you two going to an Indian casino.

Okay, well, if you can't do Thursday or Monday,

our next appointment isn't until two weeks out.

- Fine, I'll take that. - No, no, no, no.

We should make one sooner than that.

Mindy, this is exactly why

I didn't want you to get involved.

You always want to take control of everything.

I think you should leave.

Okay. I guess I'll go.

And I'll take my cookies with me.

No!

I wanna give them to my neighbor.

[scoffs] Fine.

? ?

She's gone. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

- Mmm! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Zdra-stu-it-eh, everyone.

Welcome to the frigid world of Siberian cuisine.

I've worked all day preparing you the finest pickled fish

and jellied meats. I hope you guys

brought your appetites.

- [exhales] - Hey, Morgan.

I don't mean to be rude,

but this food looks gross as hell.

That is xenophobic, okay?

Like Southern food is so delicious.

Yeah, it is. Famously so.

It's the one thing that's redeemed the South

from all the bad stuff we've done.

[whispering] Hey, let's just order a pizza.

- I got it. - [whispers] No, no.

We're not ordering pizza.

- She's gonna see it. - No, no, we love pizza.

It tastes so good and normal.

- I know what it tastes like. - Hey, Cortana.

- [electronic beep] - I need pizza.

- [electronic beep] - I found five pizza places near you.

Perfect, I'll order a pizza from each place.

[grunts] You know, I don't know about you,

but my problem is, is I don't know

which delicacy to start with.

- [laughs] - I'm just gonna go

for the fish and jelly.

Hey, if you like it so much, put it in your mouth.

- Swallow it, dude. - I did.

Mm-mm. Swallow it.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

[both gagging]

Here comes the borscht, extra sour...

Oh, yes.

Did you just spit out my jelly trout?

I spent the whole day making that.

The trout kept jumping out of the jelly.

Okay, baby, baby, listen.

It was a pure chemical reaction, okay?

My body rejected it because of the taste.

- Well, I curse you. - No.

- May you get lost in the snow. - No, no!

And I'm about to ask you something,

that's, uh... it's a big step for me.

- Uh-oh. - You wanna go for breakfast?

[laughs] No.

I mean, I do, but I can't.

- I've got orientation. - Oh.

For the Physicians on the Front.

Oh... [grunts]

We'll have to make sure you get your vaccinations.

We wouldn't want you to get malaria.

Well, of course I have vaccinations.

And I'll also have a mosquito net.

You know what a mosquito net doesn't keep out?

- [sighs] - Boko Haram.

The country that I'm going to doesn't have Boko Haram.

Oh, no. They... they've all been eaten by lions?

Okay. [clears throat]

Stop. I see what you're doing.

You are trying to scare me to keep me from going.

What? I'm not trying to scare you.

- The facts are. - I wanna do something

good for the world using my skills as a doctor.

- Sure. - And I wish that

you could support that.

No, I just wish you found some problems in New York

where the situation isn't a total waste of your time.

- A total waste of my time? - Don't worry.

Come on, blow off the meeting. Stay here.

Let's have sex again.

- I think you should go. - Oh.

- [door thuds] - Oh...

[phone ringing, receiver clicks]

- Hello? - It's Nurse Chris

- from oncology. - You know what?

We gave you back your stupid popcorn machine.

Now my salt level's so low, my shoes fell off.

- I hope you're happy. - I'm only happy

when Brooke is teaching SoulCycle.

I'm calling about Annette Castellano.

Oh. Is she okay?

She's asking for you. Or more accurately,

shrieking for you.

Oh, Mindy! Mindy, come quick!

Dot is trying to kill me!

[elevator dings, women arguing]

Dr. Lahiri, never thought I'd be happy to see you.

- They're still at it? - Yes.

Do you know how bad this is? Two old women are feuding,

- and I'm not even enjoying it. - Okay.

DOT: Read a paper! People do this all the time!

Hey, hey, hey! What the hell is going on?

Mindy, this woman is a vulture.

She's a vulture. Get her away from me.

- She wants my money! - I don't need your money!

I have my slip-and-fall settlement from Loehmann's.

Get out. Get out. Go on.

- Fine! Fine. - Go!

I'll go, but when you recover,

you'll have to borrow somebody else's Costco card.

Backstabber.

You got a Costco card, right?

I... I don't.

[upbeat music]

[door rattles open]

Tam, can we talk for a sec?

Why, so you can insult me again?

[sighs]

I'm sorry about last night, okay?

And I... I appreciate you taking

such an interest in my people's culture.

Are you kidding me? I hate it.

The food stinks, the clothes are hella scratchy,

and I'm just gonna say it,

"War and Peace" would benefit from editing.

But then, wait, why are you doing all this stuff?

Because it's a tradition.

And everything else about our relationship

is so nontraditional.

Getting pregnant before marriage,

dating a coworker who eats garbage...

Eats out of the garbage.

I just thought a little tradition

would give us a stronger foundation

to build the rest of our lives together on.

Tam, if you wanna do something traditional,

I would be honored if you took my last name.

Tamra Tookers? I like that.

- Yes. - But to be clear,

I'm gonna continue to be Tamra Webb on IMDB.

I'm gonna change my name to Morgan Webb.

- Mmm, nah. - Doesn't sound correct.

Now that we can be alone in a room together...

- Come here. - Get over here.

[knock at door]

Hey, Dr. K. I just wanted to let you know

I don't have Siberian dietary restrictions anymore,

so I finished all your pork rinds.

That's okay. Nothing tastes sweet

to me right now.

Not even deep fried pork skin.

What's wrong? Are you finally regretting

that vote in November?

No. [sighs]

It's Mary.

I tried to scare her ambitions out of her.

Keep her in America.

Why would you try to scare her?

Women have enough to worry about these days.

Like, gaucho pants are making a comeback.

Can I pull them off? I mean, of course I can,

but most women can't.

I just don't want to lose her.

You know she's gonna meet someone better on her trip.

She's gonna sleep with that Dr. Jacque.

That's an imaginary man that Morgan and Jeremy made up.

So Dr. Reed and Morgan told you to do that?

Yeah. Morgan said the only reason

you're with him is 'cause he first wore you down,

then he made you feel like you couldn't do any better.

Jeremy did the same thing with Anna.

Look, first of all, everyone knows I could do better.

But I don't want better. I want Morgan.

- Mm-mm... - I do.

'Cause he's nice, and he's funny,

and most important, he supports me.

Isn't that all any partner wants?

It's true, I haven't been very supportive.

I just forwarded a YouTube video about the dangers

of African quicksand to her.

Ugh. Well, it's worth a try.

Because despite your alcoholism and your Republicanism

and a bunch of other isms,

you're actually a good guy.

- Well, thanks, Tamra. - All right.

[Gretchen panting]

Gretchen, I know that you're scared of pooping,

but you've gotta push.

It's too late for the epidural, Phil.

- Thank you. - Is it too late for love?

- Who the hell are you? - I'm your doctor's boyfriend,

Jody Kimball-Kinney. And I'm the man who's gonna

- go to Africa with her. - What?

- You're not coming with me. - Why not?

It's a great organization, and I wanna support you.

God, you're beautiful, honey. I think I love you.

- I... I don't know what to say. - Say yes!

You're always complaining about how lonely you are.

Gretchen, shh. Just push.

I want the first thing my baby sees to be real love.

[panting] Not a failed relationship.

[whimpering] Or my poop.

- [grunting] - Okay, I guess you can come.

Ah, you've made me the happiest man in the world.

[Gretchen screaming]

Oh, the little guy's coming.

- You'd better get back in there. - Oh, okay.

- JODY: I love you. - Okay.

- [Gretchen grunting] - JODY: Africa!

MINDY: Annette, now that you've calmed down,

what were you two fighting about, anyway?

Dot wants me to write a will.

- You don't have a will? - Of course not.

Wills are for dead people. Here I am fighting for my life

with cancer, and she's already

planning for my death.

Some friend.

Annette, I want to be supportive of you.

But I would also like permission to speak honestly with you.

Oh, sure. I can take it.

You are straight up loco in the coco.

- You need a will. - You, too?

What do you want?

You wouldn't fit into any of my clothes.

- Believe me. - You're right.

Because what I want is a lavender sweatshirt

with a picture of a watering can on it.

No, everybody needs a will. And if you don't have one,

it could lead to huge taxes or family fights.

- You got a will? - Yeah, of course.

The minute I got pregnant with Leo.

And it's not just about finances or figuring out

who's gonna take care of him if something happens to me.

It's also my end-of-life wishes.

For instance, should I go brain dead,

I would like to be smothered to death

with my Oscar Isaac pillow.

[inhales and exhales sharply]

I guess I never thought about it.

When you spend your whole life

waiting for the next shoe to drop,

you don't spend much time wondering

who's gonna get the shoes.

Look, this is not easy. But in the meantime,

you should be leaning on people like me and Dot.

You would be easy to lean on.

Your body's like a bean bag, and you're bottom heavy,

- so you won't wobble. - Okay.

Thank you for not telling Danny.

You're welcome, but I think you should tell Danny.

I mean, what if he finds out from somebody else?

Oh, how's he gonna hear about it?

The only people who know are you, Dot,

and the ticket taker at "Hello, Dolly!"

- I thought it would get me in. - Hmm.

CHRIS: So this is Shulman & Associates.

It's cute. It's so economical.

Watch out, Dr. Reed. It's that mean gay nurse

- from oncology. - Aren't gay people

supposed to be nice and funny?

No, gay guys are mean-funny.

Lesbians are nice-funny, like Ellen.

- Oh, hello. - Please don't mock me.

I know I over-groom my eyebrows.

No, I came to drop this off

for the loud Indian woman who works here.

Annette Castellano left it in oncology.

I'd bring it back to Staten Island myself,

but I have too many exes there.

What was Annette doing in oncology?

Oh, no. She's not a patient, is she?

HIPPA prevents me from confirming or denying that,

but read my neck.

Oh, no.

Poor Annette. Poor Danny.

I'm gonna drop this off at his place.

I'm sure he wants to talk about this.

MAN: Go to bed.

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