Original subtitles

Previously, on "The Mindy Project"...

"Dear Mindy, I like you.

"If you ever felt so inclined,

I'd like to take you out."

Tell him it was a sham to have sex with hotter, younger women.

Okay, fine.

Our relationship was as fake as my nails.

It... it's not real?

No, of course not.

Morgan, when Beverly asked you to take out the mail,

you forgot, as usual, right?

- Of course, I always do. - [sighs]

But you yelled at me so much

that I had nightmares, so I mailed the letter.

- Don't worry. - [groans]

Your precious mail's on the way to its intended.

No.

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

Who am I trying to impress?

[screaming]

- [muffled] - Oh, my God.

Calm down.

Morgan, what the hell are you doing here?

Dr. L, just get in the bed.

I made it all warm with my hot skin.

I need you to get out of here right now.

You have to leave.

Dr. L, when was the last time

you felt the touch of a man?

Kind of a long time ago.

Oh, it was when Blake Shelton stepped on my neck

at my audition for "The Voice"

to get me to stop singing Adele's "Hello."

That is insane.

Okay, you are a beautiful, strong woman of color,

and you have needs.

Let me help you.

It has been a really long time.

I don't even know if any of this stuff still works.

That makes two of us.

Okay, fine, but nothing fancy.

Just, you know, reverse cowgirl.

Get ready for the ride of your life.

It'll be our dirty little secret.

[gasping]

[sighs]

Oh, God.

I have to have sex.

Synced and corrected by MasterCookie www.addic7ed.com

- [knock at door] - Hey, Dr. K.

I'm all done with Dr. L's vitals.

She's ready for you.

Thank you, Tamra.

How'd she seem?

Really bad. You wouldn't belive it.

Her earholes are solid wax,

and when I tried to weigh her,

she said, "Weigh yourself

and write that down,"

and somehow, she shrunk an inch.

Well, that's to be expected.

Did she say anything about me?

Yeah, she said, "Tell that Civil War ghost

to get his ass in here."

[both laugh]

- Right? - Uh.

[upbeat music]

Good morning.

Hey, I need to talk to you about something.

Oh, no.

It's about what I sent you, isn't it?

Huh? No.

A couple of days ago,

I tried to shave the Tory Burch symbol down here,

and it went real bad, okay?

And I don't need to hear it from you.

Well, that's great that...

that's... that's what you wanted to talk to me about.

- Yeah. - [laughing]

Wait, what did you send me?

Better not be fruit.

Oh, no, no. It was nothing.

It was a, uh, an invitation

to a, uh...

a television-viewing party.

You don't watch TV.

Mm.

You had Flo from the Progressive ads

as a patient, and you didn't even know.

This is weird.

No, no, we will be watching

my favorite television program.

The CBS hit "Elementary."

"The sexy drama's having its most sizzling season yet."

You know, I just read something

about that show somewhere.

That sounds cool. I'm in.

Great.

Now, on with the exam.

- [scoffs] - Why bother?

I haven't had sex in such a long time,

I'm thinking about donating my thongs to the troops.

You know, for morale.

Well, we all go through dry spells.

I once went ten days without having sex.

I was in a medically induced coma

after a sailboat accident.

Ten days?

I'm talking six months, bro.

This is the longest I've gone without having sex

since the first 25 years of my life.

How dare you tell me that story?

To think I held in a fart for you.

Morgan.

Did I hear that you have a key

to Dr. Lahiri's apartment?

Oh, yeah. Right here.

Look at that. It's my prize possession.

But it's only for emergencies,

like she's in the shower

and wants to know what's up on Twitter.

Well, this is definitely an emergency.

I seem to have mailed her a letter in error.

I'd like you to fetch it for me before she opens it.

Wait a minute. What did you send Dr. L?

[clears throat]

Well...

I... I may have written her a letter

that accidentally implied

that I had romantic feelings for her.

You have romantic feelings for Dr. L?

No, I was merely lonely.

I was sipping bourbon.

A car alarm outside reminded me of her voice.

I would just like the letter back

before she gets the wrong idea.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

She's gonna get the wrong idea.

She sued a turnstile for groping her.

So you'll get the letter back for me?

No. No, I'm not.

I can't betray her trust, okay?

If she found out that it was me,

she would never let me do her laundry again.

I will not give that up. That I will not forfeit.

I'll pay you. 500...

Cents?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, fine, fine.

You got a deal.

I hope you're happy.

Okay, well, Chelsea,

miraculously, you have no STD's this month.

Ugh, I'm turning into my mom.

Hey, I'm going to ask you something,

since you are my most...

physically adventurous friend.

- Sluttiest. - Yes, thank you.

So, tell me, how does a cool single mom

meet someone for casual fun?

Oh, Mindy, it is so easy.

I use this hookup app called Pork-It.

If you're a woman, you are guaranteed sex

within five minutes,

or you get a billion dollars.

It's never happened.

I don't know.

Is there, like, an old lady version of that

for timid moms?

There is a website called "CuddleSpot,"

which caters to adults who feel their best years

have passed them by, but...

- Oh, perfect. - [groans]

"CuddleSpot."

Ooh, nice website.

Bio: "Just a cuddly kitten in the city,

"looking for my ball of yarn.

Meow."

Oh, my God.

Chelsea, I'm kind of turning myself on.

Oh.

Oh, feet elevated.

Newspaper in hand. Crumbs on chest.

I'd say this was a case of a man on a break.

I was just waiting around for Morgan.

- Have you seen him? - I have not.

I did, however, bump into Mindy,

who informs me that you're holding

an "Elementary" viewing party.

Viewing party?

Jody, I am so excited.

I am such a Sherlock Holmes buff,

or "Shirley," as I call us.

Oh, no, I... I merely mentioned something to Mindy

about watching the show.

Oh, so it's just the two of you watching?

Uh-huh, I did not realize

you were that close.

Well, now this really is a mystery.

No, we are not that close.

I just haven't invited anyone else yet.

Um, maybe it would be easiest

if I just canceled the party.

No, you can't cancel.

I already bought all the ingredients

for my one-layer dip:

ranch.

Oh, Mindy's invited you too.

Yeah.

Okay, a viewing party

at my house.

Tomorrow.

You mean Thursday.

Of course, I mean Thursday.

Thursday's the night that "Elementary" is on.

It's my favorite show.

So, viewing party at my house,

but only one hour.

Uh-uh, you're not kicking us out

as soon as it's over.

Yeah, we need time to discuss our reactions

and go in your bathroom to see what pills you take.

And take those pills.

I was skeptical about signing up for "CuddleSpot,"

but this has been great.

I am so glad I checked "all ethnicities" on my profile.

And I'm really thankful

that you invited me up to listen to your awesome jazz CDs.

Yeah.

And it got me thinking

that maybe we should make

a little jazz of our own.

- Boo-bop ooh be-bop

- Well...

- Ooh be-bop ooh bop

- What's the rush, you know?

We have all night.

Oh, I never finished telling you

about my cousin's trip to Hartford.

Yeah, I don't have all night, though,

because I need to get home to relieve the babysitter;

otherwise, she'll put a Ukrainian curse on me,

and those work.

- Oh. - Okay.

It's just...

well, it's just our first time making love.

It probably shouldn't be rushed.

You know, it will be so much more meaningful

if our hearts connect before our bodies do.

I have never once found that to be the case, so.

Yeah, let me... let me go first, though.

Um...

I was bullied in high school,

and again in college,

and then just yesterday on Facebook.

My nephew called me a little bitch.

Pardon me.

Oh, I'm so glad we get to have a chance

to use these nuts before they go bad.

They were a gift from my postman.

I don't know why.

Mindy?

I think the wine is... is ready,

if you want to come out.

But I think the nuts have turned.

- [knock at door] - Hey.

I searched Dr. L's apartment.

All I found was an invitation

for Platinum Select Status at Wetzel's Pretzels.

Okay.

Was Mindy suspicious while you were searching the place?

Oh, she was on a date.

Uh, Mindy was on a date?

Yeah, who cares?

The thing is, you don't have to worry

about the letter anymore, okay?

Cousin Lou told me

that if she hasn't gotten it by now,

it's probably lost.

And he was a mailman in a porn.

Oh, thank goodness. That is a relief.

- [clears throat] - Thank you.

Now, here is your reward.

500 cents.

[knock at door]

Hey, I'm bringing a plus-five

to your viewing party on Sunday,

and I told them there's gonna be gift bags,

so don't skimp.

"Plus-five."

Uh, it's all there.

We're about to find out, aren't we?

One, two...

- [laughing] - There's a dime in here,

you stupid son of a bitch.

So how was the date?

Things get sticky?

Um, it was really bad.

In fact, I would say

it was the worst date in human history.

A man has not been that uninterested

in having sex with me

since I threw myself in front of Jon Hamm's car.

Look, dating sites are great, but you got to get laid.

I mean, do you want a guy who's gonna split the check

or split you in half?

I mean, more towards the second, I guess?

- Yeah. - You know what I was thinking?

Maybe I will download that hookup app

you were talking about.

Pork-It? Yeah.

All right, I have to do something.

According to "WebMD," you can die of horniness.

I mean, I posted it,

but still.

Come on, let's do this. Ahem.

[funky music, pig squeals]

Hey!

Okay, you already got a thumbs-up.

Oh, my God. He wants to meet right now.

Okay, uh, how do I look?

Desperate and scared, which is perfect.

Now, here is a key.

Works on all handcuffs.

Whoa.

[instrumental music]

Hello.

Um, are you my...

porker?

I am, wow.

- Oh, okay. - [chuckles]

- Wow, you are very sexy. - Thank you.

And you are making me feel very sexual.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Zip that back up.

All the way up. All the way up.

What's your name?

Uh-huh, okay.

I'm gonna go to that bathroom and take my pants off,

and then I'm gonna pee,

and then you'll come in,

and we'll pump.

- Good? - Okay.

[phone virbates]

[phone chimes]

Jody, this party is so fun.

I didn't even know that you were a fan of this show.

I mean, up until yesterday,

we didn't even have a TV. Shh.

Well, there are... there are a lot of things

you don't know about me, Colette.

For example, last week,

I enjoyed a Mexican burrito sandwich.

I hated it.

Now, if you'll pardon me.

Everyone, if I can have your attention, please.

Welcome to my viewing party.

I suppose we should get things started.

Never done this before,

so should we say grace?

Dear Lord, thank you for this program,

which I have seen...

Wait a minute.

We can't start watching yet.

We haven't talked about the show

or discussed our fan theories.

Mine is that the commercials are how they make money

to pay for the show.

Ah, delightful.

Uh, where's Mindy?

Actually, Dr. L got another date.

I got to say, the old mare's

really putting herself out there.

Okay, let's watch my favorite program.

Elementary, my dear Jody.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, Christ.

I know the invitation explicitly said,

- "No costumes, Jeremy." - Yes.

But I could not help myself.

Have you ever seen this much tweed?

- Oh, gosh. - Whoo-hoo.

So we're allowed to smoke pipes in here?

- [chuckles] - Well, no...

[lighter flicking]

There we go.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Um, I'll have a whiskey, please. - Okay.

I find the... a double...

is usually enough to take the edge off.

Hey, do you remember the man that was sitting

right over here?

Do you think that you could describe him

to a sketch artist?

Sure, although how do you describe

a smell?

Yeah, okay. Well, um...

I'm gonna go meet him in the bathroom,

and if I'm not back in ten minutes,

that means that I was murdered,

or he's, like, really into foreplay,

both of which suck, so I need you

to come in after me.

You know what? I'll have another.

Sure.

Going to see the board of directors

at Stern Investments.

We frequently work late nights,

so I imagined they'd be of use.

Hope they're to your liking. Oh.

Oh, my, this is wonderful.

Their dynamic is intoxicating.

This is so unrealistic.

How come we never see them go to the bathroom?

Shh!

So how long have you owned this bar?

"Own" this bar?

No, this is a... this is a bar in Manhattan.

I am still wearing the same Sambas I wore in college.

Oh, okay, I just thought this was, like, "Cheers,"

and you were Sam Malone.

No, not a lot of cool, fun regulars come in here,

although I saw Robert Durst once.

- What was he like? - You're stalling, aren't you?

No, I just... okay, look.

Obviously, I would like to have sex,

but, honestly, I'm only, like, 50% sure

it's worth dying over.

I don't know. What do you think I should do?

Do you think I should go in the bathroom?

All right, well, you know what,

I will give you my two cents. Don't go in there.

That guy is really, really gross.

Before you got here, he ordered a glass of cherries

to practice "tongue stuff."

Okay, you're right. This is so not me.

Thank you, by the way. You really saved me.

Except now I have to tell him

I don't want to have sex with him.

That's gonna be awkward.

Ugh, you know what? I'm just gonna do it.

You might be in luck.

I think you waited too long,

and he ordered someone else up on the app.

Oh, hey, he's in the bathroom.

- Have a nice pump. - Hmm!

Is this show always like this?

An Asian woman and a brilliant, dashing man

who work together every day

but refuse to admit they'd make a great couple.

Shush, some of us are still trying to watch this.

What is one of these moms talking about orange juice

is a clue?

They cut to commercial, Morgan.

Excuse me, everyone.

I'll be in my study.

I've got some pondering to do.

Mindy.

Um, do you have a second?

Yeah, hey, look, Jody,

I am so sorry that I missed your viewing party last night.

Jeremy said it was the single best night of his life.

Oh, I don't think you missed all that much.

If anything, by the end of the night,

it was more of an intervention for Beverly.

Well, it was definitely better than my sex date.

It was a total bust.

Oh, I don't think I need to hear about this.

No, that's the thing. There's nothing to hear.

I backed out of it, and guess what?

Now my Pork-It rating is zero penises.

Yeah, that... that is a shame. Um...

I think what I realized is that it's not just about sex.

I mean, I can handle that.

Why else do I have a middle and index finger,

you know what I mean?

Fast-forward, please.

All along, all I wanted is just to feel desirable

and attractive, but you were right.

The days for me to feel sexy and single were in my 20s.

And now that I'm in my 20s, those days are over.

Oh, I was wrong about that, Mindy.

- [stammering] - I was grumpy.

I'd popped a suspender earlier that morning.

- [stammering] - I'm sorry.

Mindy, I... I am positive...

a lot of men find you very attractive.

Uh, the problem is that some people

find it hard to say

exactly what it is they want.

Whoa, thank you, Jody.

Well, this leads me to...

Hey, doc, your patient's here.

I think she's creeped out,

'cause I accidentally winked at her.

Thank you, Morgan.

Okay.

Um, well, what I'm trying to say, Mindy,

is that I've been doing a lot of...

Yeah, I know... I know I'm gonna wink at her again.

It's a twitch I have.

- Am I attracted to her? Yeah. - Not right now, Morgan.

Just not now!

Mindy, would you join me for a cup of coffee

later this evening?

Just the two of us? No one else?

Yeah, just the two of us.

Okay, sure. That sounds nice.

Well... well.

- She has called the police. - Oh, Morgan.

I'm gonna go meet them in the lobby.

Okay, so I figured out what the winking is.

It's these old contacts that I found on the bus.

Morgan, do you think Dr. Lahiri...

- Whoa. - Hey, man.

Dr. C.

Danny.

What the hell is this?

Oh, I found the letter.

- Ooh. - Hey.

Oh, no, I must have mailed that

to Mindy's old address.

Well, I guess she definitely never got it.

But I did. I got it, yeah.

It's really romantic,

and the handwriting's really pretty.

It's almost a shame I have to do this.

Whoa.

[exclaiming]

Danny, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean what I wrote.

I used to mean it, then I didn't,

and then I changed my mind again

when I saw this television show.

But let's just sit down and discuss this like gentlemen.

You know what, I can't believe you, man.

I thought you Southern guys were all about honor.

Of all the women in this town,

you got to date the ex of a friend?

Hey, speaking of friends.

Would it kill you to reply to an email?

It's not spam. I... I can get very cheap Cialis.

Whatever's going on with you and Mindy?

It's over, right now.

But you've been broken up for a few months.

What if Mindy decided she wanted to date me?

I don't care what Mindy wants anymore.

This is about what I want.

Okay, and think about it.

I mean, if it didn't work out with me,

do you think it's really gonna work out with you?

- You may have a point. - Yeah.

Damn right I do.

I mean, first thing is, you're way too tall.

Women hate that. Right, Morgan?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, thank God, I'm alive.

Yes, they don't like tall men.

They don't like me.

I didn't mean... okay, all right.

I've made my point.

Wait, where are you going? I was finally opening up.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

What...

What are you doing here?

I just came by to throw out some old mail.

You came all the way here to use our trash can?

And I wanted to see Morgan. I came to see Morgan.

Okay, now I know you're lying.

Okay, don't worry about it.

Okay.

That was a really nice onesie that you got Leo.

I liked it.

Oh, the red one with the balloons?

Yeah, I mean, you described it

very feminine, and I was a little nervous,

but then I... I saw it, and his arms look strong.

Right?

[elevator dings]

All right, this is me.

Well, I'm just gonna go back upstairs, then.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I'm good.

Okay.

Make good decisions.

There you are.

Ready to go get coffee?

Uh, I don't think I can make it this evening.

I have to get home and catch up on my, uh...

"Chicago Fire."

Apparently, it's burning up Tuesday nights.

You don't want to go anymore?

No.

You know what?

Screw this.

Wow, hi, I didn't expect to see you back here.

Your Pork-It date is waiting for you in the bathroom.

It's Anthony Weiner.

Oh, no... um, no.

I'm... I'm not on Pork-It anymore.

It was really not my style.

I'm sure you... well, if you're interested,

I... I've found a new app called "Potato Skins."

It's really good.

Mm, that's brilliant.

An app for single, snack-minded people.

Actually, it's just a plate full of...

Potato skins.

You know what? That's even better.

They were mine, but I'm happy to share.

Just leave me one, 'cause I haven't eaten all...

day.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought that was a gift just for me.

No, I feel like I owe you a shot.

That's impressive.

Listen, the real reason I'm here is to thank you

for rescuing me the other night

from what would have been a pretty gross mistake.

Oh, my pleasure.

My mom always taught me to never

have sex in a public bathroom

until the second date, so...

My friend just reminded me

that the problem with people these days

is that nobody asks for what they really want.

So... um...

I think you're really attractive.

And if you think I'm attractive,

maybe you'd want to come over to my place.

Tonight.

For sex.

But you have to leave by 9:00.

Why, do you have... you got another guy coming at 9:30?

No.

Well, kind of. My son.

His grandmother is going to be dropping him home

from baby confession.

So here's my information.

And I hope I see you later.

[phone chimes]

Ugh.

[knock at door]

Oh, my God. You came.

Wait, you're not here to kill me, are you?

No, uh, we're gonna have sex, and then I'm gonna

leave right away, just like you asked.

Whoa.

Come on in. All right.

Hey, that was really fun,

and I... I know you said it's been a while,

but for what it's worth, you're still...

you're still quite good at it.

Really?

Okay, so I'm, like, the best you've ever had.

Best today, for sure.

And if you ever want to do it again,

let me know.

Okay.

[flourishing harp music]

[front door closes]

Go to bed.

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