Original subtitles

When you're in a serious relationship,

there's all different kinds of sex.

There's the romantic, lovemaking kind

where two soul mates take care of each other's needs.

[romantic music]

There's the passionate,

can't-keep-you-hands- off-each other kind...

[moans]

And then there's this new kind I'm finding out about,

which feels a lot like procreation.

- Oh, Nellie. - Oh, Nellie.

Whoo.

Okay, so, I'm gonna go watch some Bill O'Reilly.

No, no, no, no.

Let's just look at each other in the eyes.

- Look each other in the eyes? - Yeah.

'Kay, Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.

I'm really comfortable right now.

- 'Kay. - Okay.

Our Father Who art in heaven, hallowed be...

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Are you praying?

What?

Are you, like, praying to God that I get pregnant right now?

Can't a guy pray inside of his own girlfriend?

Okay, come on. Just slide out, slide out.

Why would I do that, and if I did, I mean,

would that be the worst thing in the world?

- Kind of. - Why?

Well, my fertility practice is just now starting to succeed.

Well, there's no perfect time, man.

I mean, Leo didn't come at a perfect time,

and now he's our fantastic little diaper dude.

Exactly, so maybe Leo's enough.

Look, I'm not saying

we should start trying necessarily,

but if it happens, it happens.

- That's the same as trying. - It is?

I'm extremely fertile, Danny.

It's not like India has an underpopulation problem.

We used to have unprotected sex,

like, all the time before Leo.

Yeah, I know, because I can never remember

to take my birth control, and you said that condoms

made your penis feel... both: Sweaty.

- Yeah. - That's not a real thing.

It's a real thing for me.

Look, we're not trying and we're not not trying, okay?

We are not trying to have a baby.

- Right. - Right.

Business as usual.

- Nah, I don't know. - Let's go again.

- Oh, no, it's all right. - You're not in the mood?

You could, like, go down on me?

Ah, I'm too tired.

[music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

[upbeat music]

Dr. L, breakfast! [glass shatters]

Ah! God.

- I am so sorry. - What the hell, Morgan?

I'm gonna say one thing though, okay?

The Dr. L that I used to know would catch that muffin

in her teeth blindfolded.

- Yeah, that's true. - What's going on?

'Kay, between the two of us,

I think that Danny's trying to get me pregnant again.

No! No, no, no! The business, okay?

I have finally saved up enough money

to move out of grandmother's basement,

- not that I want to. - I'm sorry, Morgan,

but it's just not that simple.

No, it is that simple, okay?

You just say, "I don't want to have another baby."

Off the record, no one likes Leo anyways.

I don't like when you say things like that.

He can't even talk!

Yeah, he's a little baby. He's not gonna talk for a while.

When I seven, I was speaking full sentences.

I cannot get into another big fight with Danny

before the wedding.

I just wanna wait till we're married

and then I will bring this up.

You know, after I bring up the fact

that his mother needs to go into a home.

If you're not gonna tell him, you got to go on birth control.

Morgan, that's so sneaky.

I can give him a vasectomy while he's asleep.

He literally would not know.

How would that even work?

Well by we, I mean me and cousin Lou.

You would text me, say, "He's asleep,"

we'd come in, snip-snip, bandage up.

He's in intense pain for, like, three weeks.

He'll never know.

Get out.

Think about what I said.

[glass shatters] Oh, God!

I thought you would have caught that one.

I thought after the first one, you'd be expecting it.

[upbeat music]

Everything looks perfect, Diana.

Your baby girl is as healthy, and dare I say,

as hot as can be. [Diana laughs]

And don't worry, you know, the baby doesn't come out

in black and white,

which is my favorite cookie, hint hint.

Well, thank you so much.

I'm just really excited to be a mom.

[Morgan chuckles] - Not as excited as us.

You are the first woman to give birth

with the help of my fertility clinic.

I'm not a fraud!

We'll never forget you, patient zero.

Okay, I've asked you not to call me that.

Please don't forget to bring a camera

so we can get a shot of the little guy

and put him on our Wall O' Fame!

It's a play on "Wall of Fame."

Thanks so much, Dr. L, for everything.

Of course! We're really excited.

Yeah. Get out of here.

- Bye, Diana. - Bye!

Bye.

Morgan, why did you pick the biggest wall

for the Wall of Fame?

Wall O' Fame.

It's gonna take forever to fill this up with photos.

We're gonna have plenty of babies up on that wall,

and in the mean time, why don't we put up

a little baby picture of yours truly.

- Oh, God! - That's the cutest one.

That can not go on the wall.

Okay, that's a little rude.

Oh, God.

Hey, babe. Can I ask you something?

Ah, great.

Mindy wears a man's coat, no one cares.

I come in wearing a smart, fuchsia trench

from Anthropologie and my chaphood is questioned.

What are you talking about?

We're wearing each other's lab coats again.

- Mm. - We wear the same size.

No we don't.

You wear a men's medium. I wear a women's wide.

That's the same thing, babe. Come on.

Can you just give me my coat?

You guys really are perfect for each other.

Just like me and, um...

Oh, God.

Okay.

How would you feel about going wedding cake tasting with me?

I can't go by myself.

The baker says I have to bring my fiancee.

Apparently, I've eaten so many samples,

I'm putting them out of business.

- I... - I can check my calendar.

I do have a Knights of Columbus meeting this week

and I'm the only one young enough

to set up the tables.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

I'm not going to that blood drive with you.

They won't take my blood anyway!

They say it's quote, "too greasy."

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

I would like to take you on a real date tonight.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, we haven't had a lot of...

me and you time lately, right?

A date on a weeknight? Okay.

Wait, this isn't a way for you to use a coupon, is it?

- I would rather die. - No, Min, come on.

What do you say? I know we'll miss Leo,

but it'd be nice to have a night out

without the little rug muncher.

That's not what you think it is,

- but yeah, I'm in. - Great.

- I'll make a reservation. - Okay.

Okay. I'm excited.

Hey, how much candy do you eat?

[romantic music]

Danny this was such a romantic night.

I love it.

We had champagne. We had sparkling wine.

We had Prosec... Damn, we drank a lot.

- We did. - I think I'm kinda hammered.

Hey, look, if anyone deserves a night off, it's you, babe.

I mean, two jobs, a kid, and on top of it all,

you got to deal with a bum like me

who doesn't always appreciate you.

Look, tonight, I wanna focus on you.

That's my favorite thing to focus on.

I missed that.

This blanket's kinda big.

I'm a little drunk.

You wanna, like...

Right here in the carriage?

- Mm-hmm. - Like a fairy tale?

It is like a fairy tale.

[playful music]

It was the most romantic night of my life.

I feel so bad, you know?

I always think the worst of Danny,

but he was just trying to do something sweet.

Yeah, he's a sweet guy.

Are you trying to put my birthday in there?

Don't worry, he'll just erase it again.

No, I'm not doing that.

I'm putting our wedding cake tasting into his calendar.

Hmm. What does OML stand for?

It's in his calendar yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Is it a saying? "Oink my life"?

Oh, my God. Is there a saying I don't know?

Am I old? Oink my life!

- It's your ovulation. - What?

OML, the ovulation of Mindy Lahiri. I track it too.

Look, three consecutive days. O-M-L!

- No! - Yeah!

It looks like Dr. C is trying to track your cycle

to get you pregnant!

Prince Harry tried to do that to me.

Of course!

The only reason he took me on that stupid romantic date

is 'cause he knew I'd slut it up.

Before we left, he kept dropping his keys

so that I would stare at his little butt.

I knows that gets me riled up.

[exhales sharply]

And then at dinner, he made sure we both got drunk.

He usually has one low carb mocktail

and switches to water, and then in the carriage,

he conveniently didn't have a condom,

but he knew that I would be such a drunk horn ball

at that point, I wouldn't even care.

I am glad that carriage driver drove us to the police precinct

before we could finish.

I can't believe he tried to trap me.

And destroy our practice.

Yeah, you can't stand for this, Dr. L.

If it were me, I'd sleep with an L.A. Laker

to make him jealous, but in your case,

you might just have to keep the baby.

- This will not stand. - This will not stand.

I'm putting my birthday in again

and if he erases it, I'll put it right back in!

[knocks on door] Jody.

I need you to prescribe me birth control.

Ah, well have a seat, young lady.

You know that sexual intercourse is not the only way

to show affection?

I'm not some 14-year-old Christian.

That's not gonna work on me.

Well, there are other ways to prevent pregnancy,

such as celibacy,

the fine art of non-penetrative coitus.

Give me the pill or I will tell everyone

where to find your "Star Search" episode.

How? Where is my pad?

Diana, you are not going into labor.

Looks like you got a little prankster in there.

- [Diana chuckles] - That's like me.

I pranked my parents when I came out

all cold and Grey, but healthy.

Well, I feel silly, but thank you for seeing me.

Your happiness is the only thanks we need.

[Morgan clears throat]

Although, if you would like to tweet

about your experience with the hashtag

#LahiriBabyMiracles, I wouldn't say no.

And tag me in all photos.

My username is Library Computer 14.

Don't worry about it. [knocks on door]

Hey, Mindy. Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, you must be Dr. Lahiri's fiancee.

I've seen so many pictures of you,

but none of your face.

Oh, hi! You got a second?

Come with me. We'll step outside for a second.

Oh, okay. [clears throat]

Danny, I just tried to introduce you

to my first patient.

You didn't seem very excited to meet her.

Well, I mean, it's a pregnant woman.

I see them all day long.

Would you go up to a fisherman and be like,

"Hey, look a trout!"

- Trout? - Yeah, like a...

I'm talking about my... okay, yeah, I guess so.

Hey, hey. Our date night went so well.

Why don't we do it again tonight?

"When Harry Met Sally" is playing

in that little theater down the street.

Isn't that the movie you called a quote,

"Fantasy that undermines the dignity of men"?

Maybe I could learn to appreciate it at least,

like I did with teriyaki.

Why don't we do it another night?

I'd really like to do it tonight, babe.

It'd be really romantic.

I got Ma to take Leo to Staten Island,

so, you know, in case things get a little crazy...

you know what I mean?

Okay, fine, tonight it is.

Great. I'm really excited.

Tom Hanks is my favorite actor.

- He's not... - I'll see you at 8:00.

Okay.

Oh, my God. It's working already.

My boobs are huge.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Jody. - Hello, Danny.

Wow, flowers for me?

You about to ask me to the friendship ball?

I didn't know you had those up here!

- They're for Mindy. - Oh.

We got a date night tonight.

What you looking at here?

Why, the future, Danny. In the coming years,

Mindy and I will cover this wall

with the beaming faces of miracle babies.

Oh, how I envy the Caribbean nannies who will raise them.

Well you never know what the future holds.

I mean, if something was to happen,

you'd be able to run this place by yourself, right? Easy?

- Run the practice alone? - Sure.

[chuckles] Why?

Say we were to have another kid,

Mindy would probably stop working.

Oh, you don't say.

I wasn't aware that Mindy wanted

any more children.

Oh, we do. Yeah.

We're not trying, but we're not not trying, so...

Maybe save a little spot on this wall here for us.

Have a good day.

[upbeat music]

Mindy, I need to speak with you.

Wow, Jody, that's the quickest you've ever said anything.

You didn't even formally announce yourself.

That's because I am not in the presence of a lady.

My ice cream cone!

I found on the floor of the kitchen!

What the hell, Jody?

I just had a very interesting conversation with Danny.

He told me you two were trying for more kids,

which is strange because you just asked me

- for birth control. - Does he want more kids?

I have no idea, I mean, I can't read his mind.

If I did, I'd know his PIN and I'd steal all his money.

Oh, don't play dumb with me.

You're dumb about a great many things;

the news, etiquette, where the moon goes during the day.

I know where the moon goes. It hides behind the sun.

But you know exactly what you're doing here,

and it's not right.

I know.

I love Danny, but I don't want to have another fight.

I just want to get married,

and then we can deal with this kid stuff later.

Look, I don't want to tell you what to do,

but I shouldn't know more about your relationship

than your fiancee, and as your doctor,

you shouldn't have more than three ice cream cones a day.

- Could I talk to you? - Yeah. What's up?

You know I love you,

and I've always looked at you as, I don't know,

the little Italian nephew I never had.

Okay.

I find your lack of support for Dr. Lahiri appalling.

Okay, yep. I know what this is about.

You have a little stake in the practice

and you don't want Mindy to quit.

No, no. Listen.

When you went out to Cali, all right,

I had no faith in her.

I mean, she's got a baby, two jobs,

a sex drive that borders on mental illness,

- I mean, she's got to have it. - Is this going somewhere?

The point is this, okay?

You were going doing God knows what,

and she built this amazing practice

from the ground up and now it's actually

helping people and you want her to stop?

She said she would stop. We had an agreement.

People change! Things change!

I only took this job as part of a long con

so I could steal all the office equipment,

but I changed, and so did you.

I mean, you didn't like me when I first started working here,

and now we're best friends.

I'm getting plastic surgery so I can look more like you.

Well look, yeah, what she's done

is pretty incredible.

I just don't know when the things we wanted

became so different.

If she's important enough to you,

maybe it's time for you to want something else.

That might be the most insightful thing

- you've ever said. - Thank you.

That means a lot coming from a lady.

[laughs] What?

You're wearing Dr. Lahiri's lab coat again.

[laughs]

Again? Okay.

Dr. C.? More like "Dr. She."

Okay.

All right. Good talk.

[door shuts]

[traffic sounds]

[jazzy music]

[indistinct chatter]

Man, I got married so I could stop dating.

So I don't see where we can still date

is any big incentive

since the last thing you want to do is date your wife

who's supposed to love you.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- There you are. - Yeah.

Oh, my God. The intro was so interesting.

Did you know a woman wrote this movie?

I don't know if I've ever loved you.

Ooh, that's harsh!

The reason I'm late is because I, uh...

I saw something very shocking at work today.

Okay, can't wait to hear about it later, sweetheart.

I mean, I've seen some stuff,

but this was, I mean, this was, ha...

This took the cake. Wow.

Hey, sorry, could you guys keep it down?

We're actually on a first date.

Yeah, no, of course. We're very sorry.

He's stopping. Sorry.

First date? Yeah, good luck with that, pal.

Thanks.

'Cause real relationships, they're not like the movies.

I mean, they're not... they're not like that, you know?

I mean, look at this thing. It's a bunch of lies.

Hey, what is wrong with you?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me.

I found these in the pocket of your lab coat.

- Birth control pills? - Okay, Danny, I can explain.

Sorry, your birth control pills

are blocking our view.

Okay, all right. Thank you so much.

Just get back there, okay?

Just sit back and don't talk to us.

I can't believe you! All: Shh!

I know. I'm very sorry.

As you can see, this is not my fault, okay?

This is a betrayal.

- Oh, this is a betrayal? - It's a betrayal, yes!

What about you trying to get me pregnant behind my back?

[all gasp, boo]

Okay. All right, all right, all right.

All right, we're going.

- Bye, you guys happy? - Everyone happy now?

- I want to talk right... - Get out of here, all right?

How long has this birth control business

been going on?

You know how embarrassing that is?

I don't know, maybe as long as

you've been keeping track of my periods on your calendar.

Wh... that?

Yeah, so I keep track of a lot of things on my calendar.

Tom Petty's tour dates, your ovulation cycle,

seasonal fruits... a lot of things!

You know what the worst part is, Danny?

That I thought you were being really romantic this week.

I loved it. It was wonderful,

but really you were just trying

to trick me into getting pregnant.

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry

that I want a bigger family.

Look, listen to me.

I never wanted kids before I met you

and you made me be the kind of guy that does,

and now all off a sudden that's a bad thing?

No, it's not a bad thing, Danny.

It is fine for you to want kids,

if that's what I also wanted.

Oh, yeah, right, right, your career.

You're too busy getting half of Manhattan

knocked up, and Leo,

he's just out there by himself alone,

playing pat-a-cake against the wall

while his mom's working?

- There! You're doing it again. - What?

Every time that you disagree with something that I do,

it's a referendum on my character.

If I want to go to work, it means I'm a bad mother.

If I want to have a second glass of wine,

it means I'm out of control.

- Come on! Don't exaggerate. - I'm not!

In your eyes, every single thing I do

is more evidence that I'm a bad person.

You're not a bad person.

You want me to help you make good decisions, don't you?

Yeah, I thought I made good decisions,

and now you're just making all the decisions for me.

So what, if it's the right decision?

Look, Mindy. Look at me.

You are an amazing mom.

Any child would love to be with you.

Would love to have you as a mom.

Why not do it again?

I'm also a good doctor.

I don't want to have to give up any more

to have more kids.

- That's selfish. - I'm selfish?

Yes!

Was it selfish when I took care of our son

by myself for months

while you were across the country

taking care of your estranged father?

My dad had a heart attack.

What did you want me to do? Abandon him?

Or you could have hired a nurse,

or you could have asked your younger brother

- to help, but you didn't. - Okay.

Whenever you decide to do something, it's selfless,

and whenever I decide to do something, it's selfish.

You get to choose all the definitions.

You are the judge, the jury,

which just leaves me to be the "sexecutioner."

I'm sorry, not the right time, but I had to.

Maybe I need to be the judge and jury

because I make better choices than you do.

You're flighty, indecisive,

and you don't think through consequences.

That's probably true.

I just wish that you didn't have a list of my flaws

ready right there at the tip of your tongue.

You're a good person, Danny,

but if you were the best person,

you wouldn't always rub it in my face all the time.

[phone vibrates]

[phone beeps]

My patient just went into labor.

I have to go.

Just let someone else take care of it.

No, this is my fertility clinic's

first patient to go into labor.

Don't you see how important that is?

What, we're gonna just leave it like this?

Danny, I have to go. I'm sorry.

[somber music]

[M.I.A.'s "Bad Girls" playing]

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

Live fast, die young

- You ready? - Yeah.

My chain hits my chest

When I'm banging on the radio

Hand up, hands tied

Don't go screaming if I blow you with a bang

Ah, Suki Suki

One, two, three, push, push.

You got this, Diana. You got it!

There's steam on the window screen

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Well done.

I've taken the liberty of preparing a few words.

Oh!

"To Lahiri fertility; big dreams from a big woman."

Nope.

"The good kind of immigrant."

- No, she's from Boston. - I was born here.

"As Jefferson Davis once said..."

- No. - No, stop with him.

All right, everyone.

"To our first baby. May there be many, many more."

Yeah.

Mm. [slurps]

[upbeat music]

How'd it go?

Really well actually.

Diana was so brave.

I was thinking maybe we should hold off

on the wedding for a while.

Think things through.

Something to think about.

Okay.

Night.

Good night.

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