Original subtitles

You know, I thought 500 bucks for four sessions

was kind of a rip-off,

but I think this music class is really helping my son

get his foot in the door of the music industry.

Now, don't be afraid to share your instruments,

little buddies.

In music, networking is just as important as talent.

I see it as an investment.

This is a great extra-curricular

for Gratitude's preschool applications.

Where's Leo applying?

Preschool? Look at him.

He's just a little blob with eyes.

You mean you haven't started

the preschool application process yet?

Dana and I started looking at schools

before the pregnancy test even came back positive

for little Sriracha.

Why would I spend money on private school

when public school is free?

I mean, why else am I sometimes paying my taxes?

Public school.

Is Leo's father a politician trying to seem less white?

Okay, you know what?

I went to public school and I turned out amazing.

It's also where I learned how to throw a knife.

Yeah, public school is fine.

- It's fine. - Hm.

I want the best for little Gratitude.

That's why we're applying to

Little Doorways Academy for Ethical Children.

Little Doorways? Wut dat?

Well, for one thing, it's the only preschool in Manhattan

that offers study abroad.

And it's the hardest to get into.

Let's just say the waitlist is Jay-Z's hundredth problem.

Whoa, I love exclusive things.

It's probably too late for Leo to apply this year.

But don't worry. He's a bright kid.

He'll land on his feet somewhere.

Damn right he's a bright kid,

and he can get into that fancy school easy.

Everybody loves Leo.

Doctor Lahiri, Leo needs to go.

He keeps pinching the other babies' butts.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

He gets that from me.

We're not supposed to do that in public, okay?

[hip-hop music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

Tamra. Tamra.

I went to that stupid music class you recommended,

and it was terrible.

All the moms made me feel bad,

and the teacher publicly shamed me.

Derek told me you shamed yourself by not having PayPal.

You wrote him a check and it took forever.

Guys, all of the moms there had their kids signed up

for elite preschools years in advance.

I don't even know what I'm having for lunch.

Now I'm remembering.

Both: Three cheeseburgers, extra shred lett.

What does Dr. C think?

Doesn't he want Leo to go to like,

the Immaculate Academy of the Sacred Meatball or whatever?

Danny would love him to go to Catholic school, but no way.

You've heard what those priests do, right?

- Yeah. - They take a vow of poverty.

I'm not going to expose my son to that.

Well, look, if you do decide on prep school

you'd better make a move sharp-ish.

I was already at Essex at two months old.

By Leo's age I was already singing our school's song,

Cry not for mother, books are your parents now

Okay, but is private school that much better

than public school?

I went to public school and I loved it.

And watching that girl give birth at prom

is what made me want to be an obstetrician.

Don't worry, Dr. L.

I went to public school and I turned out great too.

Oh, by the way, your 2:00 canceled.

No, no, no... ah.

- What? - Okay, guys,

I've got to get my son into Little Doorways no matter what.

There you are. Please tell me you're free tomorrow evening.

Anne-Marie's visiting and she wants to take us to dinner.

Whoa, Anne-Marie?

The one you... respect boundaries with?

Listen, you're going to have to take her out by yourself.

I've got my bowling championship tomorrow night.

The Gutter Belles are in the finals.

- [screams] - I know!

Are you kidding?

Yeah, Ellen Page is doing a documentary on us.

I better go grease up my finger-holes.

- Hey, I'm really proud of you. - Thank you.

Isn't Anne-Marie your sister-in-law

who you slept with?

You can't have dinner with her by yourself.

There's not enough suspenders in the world

to keep those pants up.

Obviously Anne-Marie cooked up this scheme

so she could have me all to herself.

She won't be able to keep her hands off me.

We are like sexual dynamite.

I can't hear about how women are

sexually obsessed with you anymore.

I just know I cannot resist this siren.

I need someone to tie me to the mast

otherwise she will tempt me and eat me alive.

I need... a girlfriend.

- No. - Yes.

No. I am tired of being used to stop sex from happening.

That's why the high school principal

made me room with the cool kids on our trip to D.C.

- But I need you. - Jody, I can't.

One, because I don't want to,

two, because I have to get my son into preschool.

All right? And some of us have more important things

on our minds than sex.

Who the hell ordered a vibrating seat cushion

with Oscar Isaac's face on it?

That's mine, put it in my office.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I'll make sure to wire you.

Perfect.

Catch you later, haters.

Someone just bribed a secretary at Little Doorways

for an interview.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Are you quite sure you're fully prepared,

because these interviews can be tough.

Yeah, I think I'm pretty much gonna crush this.

First of all, I'm a female doctor, like,

straight out of a sexist riddle.

Second of all, I told them that Danny was a little person,

so they're gonna be touched. We're golden.

This is New York City, girl. Everyone's story is impressive.

My doorman used to be the straight-up president of Greece.

If it helps, tell him you know me.

Hey, guys, thank you so much for all of your help,

but I think I'll be fine

because I still have one card up my sleeve.

The race card.

Wait, what'd you say?

Thank you for granting me an interview so quickly.

The gods surely must be smiling on me today.

You know, I don't recall you having an accent

when we spoke on the phone.

Oh, God, I didn't even notice it.

That happens sometimes when you're the child of immigrants.

Well, as you know, Little Doorways alums

are exceptionally high achievers.

We've got some Rhodes scholars and Nobel laureates,

the talent Booker for Jimmy Fallon.

What? Are you kidding me?

Okay, you know what? I've heard enough.

When can my son start?

[chuckles] Oh, no, Dr. Lahiri.

You're far from being accepted.

We haven't even met the child's father yet.

Oh, um, I don't think you're going to be able to.

He's away for awhile.

"Away for a little while." I see.

Yet another father who's too busy

to be involved in his child's education.

Perhaps you should try something in Brooklyn.

Oh, no, no, no. Leo's dad is the over-involved one.

I'm the checked-out parent.

The other day I took home the wrong kid from daycare.

Please give my son a chance.

Well, you do have another chance to impress the committee.

We're hosting a prospective parents' night tomorrow.

I strongly suggest you bring Leo's father.

But what if he won't be back in time?

He's across the country taking care of

a sick relative who he hates.

We have a father who's currently a prisoner of ISIS

and he's planning on coming tomorrow.

You know what?

We're definitely both going to be there.

So really excited.

[phone vibrates]

[door knocks]

Hey, cool guy.

I need you to come to an event with me tomorrow night

and pretend to be Leo's father.

Like a farce? I love a good farce.

Oh, yeah.

At my university's production of "Noises Off,"

I played "Man who passes out programs."

I just need you to pretend that you're married to me

and help me charm a very intimidating older woman

into letting my son into a fancy preschool.

Hold on. This is for Little Doorways?

Oh, then I can't do it.

That would be infidelity to my Alma mater,

The Essex School for Unloved Boys.

I couldn't help but eavesdrop. I would love to be your date.

I do an amazing Dr. C. Check it.

[bad Italian accent] Bongiorno, my name is Dr. C.

I hug and I kiss you. Morgan is my best-a friend.

- Stop, stop. - Sorry.

That sounds exactly like Danny.

Honestly, you should be on "Saturday Night Live."

- Thank you. - But you can't come with me.

You look like a dirt bag and you smell like medicine?

No, propane. I...

Oh, what about Derek and Lamork?

He's going to a concert this weekend.

- Damn it. - Oh, I got someone. Me!

Beverly.

Can't believe I'm asking you this, but you're my last resort.

Will you accompany me on a date tomorrow?

Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to date

until I reach my tenth step.

Mm, damn it, back to step one.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Jody, do you still need a fake girlfriend

because I need a fake husband.

Well, well, well, looking to strike a bargain

with the devil, are we?

Congratulations, you are now married

to the most handsome man you've ever seen.

That's untrue.

I saw Bill O'Reilly at the airport one time.

But, yes, for one night only, I will be your girlfriend,

and you will be my husband.

- Deal. - Deal.

I'll be Leo.

- No, you can't come. - Okay.

Okay, now, please, do not say anything racist or sexist.

Or anything overly conservative.

Oh, and I told them that you were part Cherokee.

Interesting fact, the Kimball family

actually escorted the Cherokee on the Trail of Tears.

Didn't even ask for payment.

There was a real volunteer spirit back then.

Okay, listen, listen.

For one night, can you just pretend that you're not a jerk?

Because honestly, if you don't talk that much,

people think that you are handsome

and that you are maybe even charming.

Just stick to non-controversial topics like the weather.

It is pretty cold out tonight.

So much for so-called global warming, eh?

Damn it. This sucks.

What are you doing?

I would never fail to take my wife's hand

before entering a social gathering.

Oh, cool.

So as you can see here at Little Doorways,

every moment of the school day is expertly curated.

Yesterday, our students learned glass blowing

before being treated to a lecture by Elie Wiesel.

Oh, my God, I love Elie Wiesel.

Every night I read Leo her book.

Um, he's a man.

Okay, ladies, ladies.

At this school, we don't use gendered pronouns

unless we've first issued a trigger warning to "zheveryone."

[chuckling and applause]

[bad Italian accent] Ah, s?, s?. Es bueno.

- I have a question. - Oh, God.

I was wondering if any of the ladies need a husband.

What are you doing here?

- Open house. - Get out of here.

I just want to say, my husband and I

were very impressed with this open house.

In fact, we think this school's the tits.

Well, yes, we're very proud of our little school.

We believe that creating exceptional children

starts with exceptional facilities.

Excuse me, ma'am, but I beg to differ.

[gasping]

Growing up a young child in Georgia,

I never had much in the way of exceptional facilities.

But I had everything I needed. A loving mother and father.

So at the end of the day, I guess I don't care

if my son goes to Little Doorways.

We so care. He's gone insane.

Because to me, exceptional children

start with exceptional families.

As long as I'm putting an apple in his lunch sack every day

and his mama's reading him a story

from the Good Book every night,

I think little Leon's going to be just fine.

- Leo. - Leo.

You know, your wife was so inarticulate before.

You two seem like an unlikely pair.

Unlikely? What, 'cause he's hot and tall?

I'll have you know he is so old that every night

with me is basically statch.

I'm like, "Get off," and he's like, "No."

Oh, don't mind my beloved Mindy.

Please consider that the female hormones

that derange her thoughts

also provide her with a maternal instinct

that'll bring a tear to your eye.

[applause]

Why didn't you have a speech prepared?

You know, I don't know if it's

the conflict-free Shiraz talking,

but I am going to fast-track your application.

Oh, my dear.

I just need to pay a little home visit, meet Leo.

Are you free tomorrow morning?

Oh, we're free anytime. Seriously.

I won't show up to work. I'll quit my job.

That's really not necessary.

I want everyone to follow me to the art room,

but I have to warn you,

Marina Abramovic is nude in there.

[crashes]

Ah!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Jody, I am very hard to impress.

I gave The Louvre one star on Yelp.

But I was really moved by what you said back there.

I think you're secretly a good guy.

Good guy? I don't know. Good ol' boy, sure.

A gentleman, maybe. Mr. Teen Georgia 1990, absolutely.

No, really. I mean, like, take this Anne-Marie situation.

Old you would have done something despicable,

but new you is trying to be good.

Fine, I'm moral, whatever,

but now I need you to focus on making a good impression.

Is this what you're wearing?

I look like a hot witch, dude.

The cashier at Barney's said, quote,

"Hey, it's your money, lady."

She needs to believe that you're someone

I'd actually be interested in

which is already a bit of a stretch.

That's a little insulting, but what does it even matter?

Come on, let's go knock 'em dead, sweetheart.

So, how'd y'all meet?

Jody has never mentioned you.

Oh, that's not a very interesting story.

Actually kind of a cute story.

I was leaving the Met Ball and I was with my girl squad,

Solange Knowles and George Clooney's hot wife,

and we were accosted by a drunk man asking for money.

And that man, Jody.

I don't think that's exactly how it happened.

You poor dear.

It was sad as hell,

and once I helped him curb his excessive drinking

and lifted him back on his feet,

he helped me overcome my anorexia.

I know. It's kind of hard to tell 'cause I'm still so slight,

and then somewhere along the way we fell in love.

- Didn't we, baby? - Yep.

Hmm. I never thought Jody could commit to one woman.

There was a column in our town paper called

"Who's Jody Bedding?"

When he moved away, the writer was laid off.

Oh.

Well, that was before I met this little dollop of brownie mix.

Cupid's arrow's finally pierced my heart.

And his penis.

Aren't you happy for us, Anne-Marie?

This is so nice.

It's just a pity Colette couldn't be here.

I do miss her noogies so.

I wish you'd picked a night she was free.

Wait, Jody was the one that scheduled this night?

He was insistent on tonight.

Oh, God, my water and my ice!

Oh! I'm so sorry.

I'm going to go help him clean up.

Oh.

We'll be right back, Anne-Marie. I'm so sorry.

Get over there.

That wasn't a cock block. I was the bait.

I should have known you were using me

for how hot and sexy I am.

Okay, I used you, and I'm sorry, but it worked.

Like that time that I told you only men

could clean the microwave

and you insisted on doing it yourself.

[gasps] You son of a bitch.

I thought you had changed,

but you're the same old depraved pervert.

Look, you owe me for getting Leo into that fancy school.

Fine. Whatever you say, boyfriend.

I'm sorry to report that Mindy's feeling

a little under the weather. - Oh.

She's going to go home and have a lie down.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now that I threw up

and I think we should order some more appetizers.

Oh, no, honey, you're sick, remember?

Oh, yes, you are burning up.

I'm just... I'm just burning up with my love for you, my sweet.

What... what's going on here?

Okay, okay. Okay. You got us.

Mindy's not sick.

The truth is, I broke up with Mindy.

- What? - Just now in the bathroom?

You did not break up with me.

For the record, if anyone's breaking up with anyone here,

it's me dumping this Southern Skeletor.

Besides, he can't break up with me because Jody gave me herpes.

- Oh. Upstairs kind. - And the downstairs kind.

Mindy's not my girlfriend.

I just brought her here to try to make you jealous.

Really? You went through all this trouble for me?

So who is she? Is she an escort?

Exsqueeze me?

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you.

Mindy, maybe you should go home.

I think you've embarrassed yourself enough for tonight.

I'll go, but I just want to say one thing to you.

I saw a different side of you tonight,

and if that person is real

then you deserve a real chance at love.

Not just to be someone's secret side piece.

Okay, excuse me.

Can I just take this with me because... it's fine,

I'll bring back the basket tomorrow. Good-bye.

Ooh, should I order us some more wine?

Look, Jody, I wanted to get you alone

because I have something very important to tell you.

You're going to leave my brother.

Well, I can't help but feel sorry for him,

but he'll be all right.

He's got his Iraq memories to keep him company.

I'm never leaving your brother.

We have a life together. I mean, we just got a pool.

But our rolls in the hay were so passionate.

I recall once the pigs actually applauded.

You can't deny what we had was real.

Sure, I enjoyed it in the past,

but it can never happen again.

Like, a sitcom with all-white characters.

You're right. That's fine, that's fine. I understand.

Not like I was in love with you or anything.

[whistles]

You know, that disturbed Middle Eastern prostitute

was right.

You deserve love, Jody. Just not with me.

[upbeat music]

Okay, Leo, when the woman from the admissions office comes,

I need you to look like a hot nerd.

You know, like Neil deGrasse Tyson or Olivia Munn.

Leo, are you reading an entertainment magazine?

Okay, honey, you gotta pretend that you're not a total bimbo,

okay?

[door knocks]

I'll be right there, Mrs. Guterman.

Hello, and...

Well, good day my lovely wife.

Oh, oh, God.

I made it in time for our appointment.

Jody, what are you doing here? Why aren't you with Anne-Marie?

You wined and dined. [gasps] Did you not 69?

No. Anne-Marie ended it,

so I engaged in a same-sex relationship

with one Mr. Jack Daniels.

I hate that you put it that way.

Speaking of which, did you know if you spend the night

in Central Park, you're considered a gay cruiser?

Hmm.

I thought I just met some very friendly New Yorker fellow.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot sit...

I don't have time for this right now.

Okay, the admissions director is going to be here any second

and I have to learn all of current events.

Like, did you know that Bill Clinton's wife

is running for president? I didn't.

The home visit is why I'm here.

I make a promise, I keep it.

When Jody Kimball-Kinney writes, "See you this summer,"

in your yearbook, you shall be seen.

That's cool, but you're gross right now,

and you're so drunk you could accept a Golden Globe.

You gotta go home. I'm going to do this by myself.

[door knocks]

- She's here. - Let's do this.

Oh, my heart is broken, to say nothing of the blue balls.

Okay, take this off. Just get in here, all right?

Get in here and I will just tell her that you are sick.

Do not leave this room.

Lord. Don't leave me. I don't trust myself alone.

What... what if I take all these pills?

Then you will relieve all your menstrual cramps,

- because that's Midol. - God.

Your Southern husband sure does seem to love the Yankees.

Oh. Those are actually mine.

I'm a real sport-head. Pfft. Whoa, nothing but net!

And who is this little Italian man? Is he a marionette?

Oh, that is actually the man that introduced me

to my husband.

You know, when somebody introduces you

to the love of your life if you keep photos of them

all around your house as an homage...

Yes, but I don't see any photos of your husband.

I mean, there's not one.

And between the two of you, he's the more classically photogenic.

Okay, we're both super hot, but you know,

it's our tradition to not take photos of ourselves together.

You know, we prefer to just live family moments.

Moon River, wider than a mile

I didn't ' realize your husband was home.

I'm crossing you in style

Or that he's a countertenor.

Oh, hello, lady from yesterday.

Welcome to our home.

Oh, it's so lovely to see you again.

I was just asking Mindy some questions.

That's funny, I was just thinking of a question myself.

Why?

Oh, God. Oh, you reek of bourbon.

Oh, I'm not a drinker.

I'm just going to talk to him in the bathroom for a second.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh.

You need to chill out. You are out of control.

- That's so cold. - What was that, huh?

I'm drowning. Okay. Okay.

Repeat after me. I do not love Anne-Marie.

I don't love Anne... love Anne Marie.

Wrong answer.

Anne-Marie, I love you.

All right. Hey, man, you gotta pull it together.

I met Anne-Marie. She's not even that great.

Her boobs are too big.

She could have back problems later in life.

Just always looked up to my brother.

I practically wanted to be him,

and he had this perfect, gorgeous wife

and I just...

Wait, wait, is the only reason that you like Anne-Marie

because she's married to your brother?

Of course not. We are soul mates.

I think the jewelry she makes is very interesting.

Oh, my God. You're in love with the idea of her.

And the fact that you can't have her

just makes you want her more.

Kind of like you and that ritzy school?

What? No.

Just because the only reason I'm doing any of this

is to prove to those rich moms that I'm as good as them

does not mean that it's just about me and those rich moms.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's clear what we both have to do.

Double down on our impossible dreams.

No, Jody. We have to do the right thing.

Damn it. Come on.

Hey, Mrs. Guterman.

I'm sorry we wasted your time,

but I don't think that Little Doorways is for us.

I'm sorry, you're rejecting us?

[laughs] You must be joking.

Kelly Ripa once offered me one night of passion

with Mark Consuelos for a spot in our school.

- Whoa. - That's an offer I accepted.

Mindy, I would do that for you if you want.

That's not necessary.

I just... I think I want my son to go to public school, you know?

I went to public school and I turned out...

well, not great, but I'm fine.

It's true, she's not the fanciest schooner in the marina

but she's a good little tugboat.

He... I don't ' like your metaphors for me.

All right. Just so you know, I was prepared

to offer you a spot right now.

Truly unique.

Okay, well, out of curiosity, how much is tuition?

Pre-K starts at 70,000 a year.

- $70,000? - Mm-hmm.

If I had $70,000 to blow, I'd have a new face.

Please lave. That's insane.

Well, Leo, I think you might go to school here one day.

I know it's not Little Doorways, but it doesn't matter.

I'll be taking you on so many auditions

you'll barely even be here.

- Hey, lady. - Yeah?

Give us your extensions or I'll beat your ass.

My hair's all real! Don't hurt me!

Run, Leo, you might have to do Catholic school.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0