Original subtitles

[Snores]

Is everything okay...

with you and Mum?

All you think about is what you want!

Nobody understands Jenny.

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What are you doing to your underwear?

It's just until your mum decides not to be crazy any more.

Just give Dad this one chance.

- I'd like to take you somewhere. - Okay.

- Happy anniversary. - You too.

Mum!

- It was nice. - Go!

This is Wayne. My boyfriend.

G'day.

- We're getting married. - What?

So, you want to be actors.

I've had a bit of a crush on someone this past year.

Melissa! What are you doing?

Surprise!

Here's where the lounge room will be,

and downstairs, our Asian grocery store.

This is your dream.

Not mine.

We have something to tell you.

BOTH: We're getting a divorce.

People always say there are rules.

That families work better this way or that way.

But there are the rules, and there are the Laws.

Traditionally, Chinese New Year is all about renewal -

fresh starts and new beginnings.

It's in with the new and out with the old,

especially if the old belongs to your ex-husband.

It's why everyone does a huge spring clean,

because how you start the year dictates how the rest will pan out.

Aaah!

I'm a monster!

Ai, don't scare Mummy like that. I thought you were being stabbed.

Why did I have to get braces?

It doesn't look so bad.

Show Mummy your best politician smile.

Open wide.

Hey, Mum, ask first!

Show me.

Oh, I'm hideous.

Not hideous. Growing up.

It's the new you. My new Ben for the New Year.

- Chinese Year of the Cock. - Rooster, Mum.

We definitely celebrated cock.

[Beeps horn] This year, people!

Ben, we have heaps of time. Yeah, some of us go to school.

Someone's got breast implants...

- Ow! Mum! - Tam!

- She started it. - While we're young!

Tam, don't be ashamed of your body. Boobies is just part of growing up.

Be proud of the boobies you got from your sexy mummy.

Here, you forgot these. Mummy bookmarked the best wedding dresses.

Oh... thanks.

- Okay, everyone. Seatbelts on! - Yes, let's go.

Ugh... the Thomsons.

Ai, that family. So up each other.

"Up themselves."

Up themselves.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey...

Oh, Mum...

Today is a big day!

First day of middle school...

becoming captain...

and... being so cute!

- Bye, Mum. - What about Mummy's goodbye kiss?

We'll see you in, like, six hours.

That's what everyone thinks just before they get murdered.

I got it.

Andrew, I can handle my own instrument.

Yeah, but I like doing it for you.

It's okay, I've got it.

See you after second period?

That's ages away.

- First. - Promise?

Promise.

[Horn blasts]

Morning, lovebirds!

Smile for Mummy. First day of your last year.

And sign-ups for chess, mooting

and liturgical dance clubs

are up on S Block noticeboards.

Sign-ups are also up for Aussie Rules,

rugby league, rugby union, soccer...

basketball...

I don't know what that one is...

all other manner of sports-ball.

And finally...

it's the middle school captain election at the end of this week.

Yes.

For one of you, it will mean victory and popularity.

For the rest, bitter defeat...

and a lifetime of resentment.

Make no mistake.

Politics is theatre and only the brightest shine.

Do you have what it takes?

Because there can be only one.

_

Melissa!

Melissa?

So what, after weeks of not messaging,

you suddenly want to talk?

I thought maybe you needed space.

You know, after... the kiss.

I don't want to talk about it!

Well, you can't want to talk and not want to talk.

I mean...

I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

I need you, Melissa.

Really? That means a lot to me.

Good.

Because to beat Klaus I need you to set up a mailing list.

Are you serious?

Melissa!

Hey.

Ah-Leung, where do you want me to put your...

- Look at all the sauces! - Whoa!

Welcome, kids. You like?

- Yes! Japanese bubblegum. - Haw flakes!

- What you think? - Cool, huh?

I underestimated you.

Everything premium, direct from the suppliers.

Top quality only. And...

for the final step...

my name.

Dad, this is amazing!

- Way better than the restaurant. - Way better!

Hey, the restaurant was Step Number One.

This always your daddy's big plan.

What was this place?

The agent told me they used to make ice here.

No wonder they went bankrupt. You can buy ice anywhere.

[Laughter]

Anyway, now this is my dream, somewhere you can buy

everything your mum and I couldn't get when we moved to Australia.

Close your eyes! Close your eyes!

And...

Open! I made one for everybody.

Thanks, Dad!

- Tam-tam... Ah-Ben. - Does Mum get one too?

Oh. I'm sorry. I thought, um...

Oh... don't worry about it. It's... employees only.

Whoa, check out the view!

Where's a glass, where's a glass?

- It's connected to the internet? - Mum, Mum, Mum!

There's bunk beds for Tammy-Jer and me!

Cool. Sleepovers galore.

- Okay, okay, okay... - This is amazing!

Dickhead! You only need to press it once.

Ben, just be careful. You know how much Dad spent on this thing?

_

You'll still have enough to cover the wedding, right?

Because we can chip in.

Daddy can cover the whole thing.

Look at you. All this.

Divorce suits you.

You're right. We should have done it years ago.

[Laughs]

Aaaah!

[Sucks loudly on straw]

[Cheerful clarinet]

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See? No need to buy a dress.

Mummy can make myself.

Wow! That's a lot of... patterns.

Well, you've been so busy with O-Week,

Mummy thought I could help.

Yeah...

Mum, thank you so much for all of this,

but I started looking online.

Of course, no problem. It was just an idea.

Okay. Thanks, though.

Hey! How'd it go today?

Crap. No one took my badges. Well, nearly no one.

Well... maybe they were worried to put holes in their uniform.

- Did you shake hands? Kiss babies? - No teen pregnancies this year.

Are you doing the social media? Facebook, Twitter, Snap... chap.

None of that will change anything. And Klaus is just too perfect.

His face is perfect. His life is perfect.

No such thing as perfect.

Hey, this is just day one.

And you're the best man for the job.

- But what if... - What if what?

What if I'm a loser?

- Bye, Mum. - What about Mummy's goodbye kiss?

Fortune cookies? Are you sure about this, Mum?

Last night, Mummy had a genius stroke.

Feed people's stomachs, win their hearts.

Open one.

"Vote 1 Benjamin Law for 'gook' luck"?

- God, Mum... - Ai, it's funny!

Australians love racism.

- Now go win this election. - Not the hair!

Sorry, sorry.

- Okay. - Thanks, Mum.

Fortune cookie?

It's totally paleo.

Hey, Damo, check this out.

Fortune cookies! Fortune cookies!

For a prosperous future, vote for Benjamin Law. Go with your gut!

_

Ai, look at your dad. If he smiles any more his face will break.

Mum, Mum, Mum!

Those cookies were so good. They ran out in, like, five minutes.

I can't believe you wrote all those fortunes yourself.

Mummy just closed my eyes and let them all come on me.

- Now, your speech... - I'm onto it.

We can draft tonight. Mummy will be your sounding board.

Oh, my son! Successful businessman, successful school captain.

- Runs in the family. - Dad, I haven't won yet.

- Oh, you will. - I'm the mummy of the captain.

Campaign manager. Vote Benjamin Law for 'gook' luck.

- That's positive. - Okay, hello, everybody.

Thank you very much for coming. It means a lot to me and my family.

So, without further ado,

I declare my Asian Alley open!

Wow, Wayne! You've lost so much weight.

All it took was exercise and cutting out sugar.

Plus, Danny's stocking this incredible laxative tea

from Thailand.

You're going to rock that tux. I'll look like I crawled out of a bin.

Oh, you will look beautiful no matter what you wear.

- What was your dress like? - Oh, very intricate.

- 100 per cent fair-trade. - Even back then.

Hey, Ben.

Aaah!

- Ben! Don't you knock? - It's a storeroom.

Oh, that's where the soy sauce got to.

This is a clear violation of OH&S.

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Ah, Danny!

- Congratulations! - Big business man!

And then I'd say how, despite being first clarinet in the orchestra,

I'm still part of a team.

Even though I'm the best, which is like being captain.

Oh, then I'd mention the debating championships.

Master debater. Put that down.

Didn't Klaus win that?

What about your performance at the eisteddfod?

- Which Klaus won. - Lions Youth of the Year?

Klaus.

Face it, you're never going to beat him.

- Tam! - I should just give up.

You are not giving up!

I will not have Klaus beating off my baby boy.

What's he got that you don't?

Eyelids.

Hey...

We can do this. Mummy's not a quitter and neither are you.

We will not be left behind and discarded

like some unwanted Chinese pregnancy.

Yeah, Mum, I wasn't actually going to quit.

Oh... Okay. Good.

"And that's why I should be captain."

It's late. I think we've got enough, Mum.

Read that last bit again.

[Truck approaches]

- Who is it? - Not sure.

[Engine stops]

Who gets packages in the middle of the night?

Probably drugs.

You see? What if it is drugs?

How can someone like that be middle school captain?

Wait, Mum! Don't! Mum!

Mum...

Fair trade, my arsehole.

Three words... Rape of Nanking. It's in their blood.

Told you! Totally up himself.

The kids need to know the truth about their perfect Klaus.

He is the loser!

The Thomsons' clothing empire

is built on exploitation and slave labour?

I am so making my whole speech about it.

Okay, point 1, Klaus can't be trusted.

Point 2, child exploitation.

I was junior school captain,

so I didn't really want to run for middle school captain.

But everyone wanted me to, so I thought "Why not?"

[Laughter]

- Classic! - So this campaign...

It isn't about me. It's about us.

It's about "we".

It's about what we can do together.

Because a vote for me...

is a vote for we.

Today isn't just an election.

Today is the start of a movement...

a movement of we.

And I want us to be part of that movement together.

Look under your chairs.

These T-shirts are part of that movement.

Last year, my family had a chance to make a change,

and we set up a fair-trade garment factory in Bangladesh

which made the T-shirts you're holding now.

I want to do the same thing for our school.

First, we change our school.

Then we change the world.

[Applause]

ALL: Klaus! Klaus! Klaus! Klaus!

I'd like to start by...

Where's your 'gook' luck now?

[Laughter]

Hello, everybody. Jenny-Mum here, Benjamin's mummy.

What Benji is trying to say is,

he would make a great middle school captain

for...

so many reasons.

Like...

protecting the whales...

saving the environment...

helping the retarded people.

Also, as captain, he can help us prepare for our future.

I mean, if Chinese people are going to overtake Australia anyway,

you may as well get used to it now. [Laughs]

So to finish, vote for my Benji.

Happy New Year!

May you all have an exciting and prosperous Year of Cock!

Hey, slow down!

It doesn't matter that you didn't win. I'm still proud of you!

Mummy was only trying to help.

I don't need your help any more!

None of us do! We're not little kids any more.

Just because you don't have a life since the break-up

doesn't mean you have to ruin mine!

Ai... your mother.

Always like this. "I do my way!"

Never think about consequence.

So much drama!

Too emotional. Not thinking with brain.

That's your mum. Me, me, me.

Never think about other people.

[Sparking sound]

Mum, hurry! Come down here.

- Happy New Year! - Ah-Ben, what are you doing?

It's for new beginnings!

But, Mum...

[Coughs]

I'm sorry for what I said.

Mummy's sorry too.

I just didn't want people to think I was a loser.

Hey, you're not a loser.

Who cares about middle school captain?

Politicians all dickheads anyway.

And anyway, you were right, you know.

Mummy needs to find her own life. You guys are growing up.

I'm already not a wife. Soon I won't be a full-time mum.

Then who will Jenny be?

It's time to stretch out. Discover the world. Spread my flaps.

Wings, Mum. You mean wings.

Wings.

Jenny's going to spread her wings.

- [Firecrckers explode] - Oh!

You have all this, the kids have their interests.

Why can't I have something too?

Look!

Touching your inner goddess. No 1 best-seller from Big W.

Mum, is a book from Big W really going to have all the answers?

Mummy's home! Ah! Oh!

Did you trip over your inner goddess?

Everyone in the car. Now!

Well, your mum can be a cow sometimes.

Dad...

You have all been summoned here because you will form the ensemble

of Sacred Heart College's biannual theatre production.

Welcome...

to the casting showdown.

No!

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