Original subtitles

BENJAMIN: We can divide and conquer.

Tammy, Michelle and I can do decorations and styling.

And Mummy will take care of food. All your gogo's favourites.

Barbecue spit, party pies, all the meats.

ANDREW: Guys, can we just keep it simple?

It's your 18th! You just sit back.

Mummy take care of everything.

That's what I'm worried about.

Andrew's always been the odd one out.

To him, all the rest of us are too loud, too gross...

too messy.

In an ideal world, Andrew would live by himself

in a sealed IKEA show-room - spotless and spacious.

Sometimes we wonder whether Andrew was switched at birth.

Then Mum reminds us he was the only Asian baby in the hospital.

(GASPS) We should have firework. Like Beijing Olympic.

Uh, no.

- You love firework. - Aren't they illegal in Queensland?

Everything technically illegal in Queensland.

Alright, guys. Stop meddling, OK? I'll do it my way.

Ooh! Two word -

stretch Hummer.

Don't worry. Something will turn up.

Some people just don't know natural talent. Probably racist.

- Mum, not everyone's racist. - Yes, most people.

Lady in bank, man who told me to leave buffet,

idiot who tried to charge me for cup of hot water.

All on Mummy's hit list.

I can add your agent.

Mum! Beryl said she'd call me later anyway.

Apparently she has promo work.

- Ooh! - It's not a big deal.

So many celebs started in promos.

Like that Jamie Durie, the garden man.

Wasn't he a stripper?

From little things big things grow.

Ew, Mum. I'm an actor.

I'm not just going to leap at any degrading opportunity.

(PHONE PLAYS JAUNTY MUSIC)

(SCREAMS) Beryl!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ah!

- Open up! My phone! - (MUSIC CONTINUES)

Open the door!

(RAUNCHY MUSIC)

- (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) - (KNOCKS INSISTENTLY)

It's my agent! Open the door!

In... in a minute!

(RAUNCHY MUSIC RESUMES)

(SCREECHES)

I'm breaking down the door!

- Ow! Ow. - (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

- (PHONE STOPS RINGING) - No, no, no, no, no!

No!

- Why didn't you answer it? - I'm not your secretary.

Well, I hope you're happy. I'll probably never hear from Beryl again!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

I'm usually an 18-11-9 but I've been retaining water lately and...

- One size fits all. - Oh.

Yep, he's got the lederhosen.

(TRADITIONAL BAVARIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

You know, Klaus, this job's only supposed to be for Beryl's clients.

You shouldn't legally be here.

Well, that's the funny thing. I am one of Beryl's clients now.

Yeah, she just came up to me in the street, gave me one of her cards

and said, "If you don't sign with me,

"I'm going to throw myself under the next bus." (LAUGHS)

Sizzling and bursting with flavour!

A juicy piece of Germany on a stick!

Will someone PLEASE eat my sausage?!

Heavens. What was that?

MELISSA: I'll eat your sausage, Ben.

You look so German.

I know rejection is part of any acting career. But Klaus?

What's he got that I don't?

They're very tasty.

Klaus is just playing to his strengths. Maybe you should too.

No, I don't come with the sausages.

(LAUGHS) Cheeky!

One minute, a cute little baby with a Mongolian spot on his bum.

The next... oh, so many hairs and smells!

When he was little, my Andrew would always, "Mummy, look at this!"

Now it's, "Mum, don't talk to me when I'm on the toilet." (LAUGHS)

He says he doesn't want to make a big fuss,

but what teenager doesn't like his mummy making a fuss?

Sorry. What?

Nothing. Nothing. Everybody loves a party, right?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, sausage?

BEN: I can't let my parents' trial separation

affect my ability to earn money for the family.

I mean, who else is going to put food on the table?

(WOMEN MURMUR SYMPATHETICALLY) Another?

They say being raised by a single mother messes kids up,

but I've found it's made me more sensitive to women's needs.

Sausage?

Beryl said it's an important stepping stone.

It's all about playing a role.

- Don't move. - (SCREAMS)

I hate when you do that!

- It's just the back of the knife. - Yeah, dickhead.

I was gonna get free sausage samples for your party,

but you've just kissed that goodbye.

Andrew-ah, are these the right ones? Uh... kale chips?

What is kale?

Heidi said they're her favourite.

The party's happening here.

Dad!

I told you guys I didn't want some kids' party at home.

- But you know Mum is planning it. - Your brother asked me. I said yes.

It's not my fault if she can't get things right.

You're just doing this to punish Mum.

This isn't about her, alright?

In some cultures, birthdays are about the people born on that day.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Mum's probably going to kill herself because of this.

You better have something nice to say at the funeral.

Mum...

Mum, you hear what I said?

Crystal clear, A-OK.

Happy Dragon for your party. With your dad.

What a great idea!

And you're OK with that?

(SNIFFS)

Mummy just wants what you want. It's your big occasion.

OK. Well, then, I'm gonna go get ready for cricket.

- Mum? - It's fine.

It's your big brother's decision.

But you can't possibly be happy with this.

Mummy is very happy.

- Ow! - Mum!

Just because it's at the restaurant

doesn't mean you still can't be involved.

Your dad is doing the food, providing the venue.

Everything up to him.

Maybe Mummy shouldn't even turn up.

Oh, of course you should go. It wouldn't be a party without you.

I can't arrive at my own son's party without doing anything.

You can still make a contribution.

Contribution?

Sounds little.

From little things...

(CHUCKLES)

- OK. - Mum, we can't see.

Come on!

You have to help me make the party contribution for your gogo.

- What do boys all like? - Sex.

Ai-ya. I can't bring sex to your brother's party.

Yeah, you can. There's this girl at school called Moira Byrne, and she goes to...

Ah, la, la, la, la! Mummy doesn't want to hear the end of that sentence, OK?

Focus, please!

We are talking about Jenny Mum making a splash for your brother.

I'll call Wayne. He'll know.

- Oh, no, no, no. - (DIALS PHONE)

Gogo likes...

Hey, babe.

..being tidy?

He likes fish.

Not helpful.

Shane's friend Bevan had a mechanical bull at his 21st.

(LAUGHS)

Apparently Bevan's aunty liked the slow setting so much,

she practically had to be pried off it.

(LAUGHS) Uh-huh.

- Girls. - Mm-hm.

(BAVARIAN MUSIC)

Ah...

(UPBEAT BAVARIAN MUSIC)

(GASPS)

What are you doing?

I'm preparing for work.

- Are you stuffing your butt? - It's part of my costume.

(LAUGHS) You know guys are meant to stuff the front, yeah?

Oh, but I guess you can't pad something that isn't there. (LAUGHS)

Every performer has some work done.

- Don't take a picture! - (LAUGHS)

Guys, guess who's stuffing his butt!

Benjamin, you tell your brother no more dirty sperm sheets.

It's like poaching eggs in the washing machine.

- Ai-ya. Benjamin, did you hear me? - Shh-shh!

- What? - (WHISPERS) Come.

- What are you doing? - Look.

- Oh... - (LAUGHS)

- Ga-je! Tam! Mish! - Shh-shh.

- Uh... yeah. (LAUGHS) - Look!

(GASPS)

Oh, Andrew... I love you.

Let me feel your muscles.

Oh, Heidi, taste my sweet and sour sauce.

- (GASPS) Stop being so disgusting! - Check it out.

It's like totally not going to be, like, a big deal or anything.

Is that your way of telling me not to come?

No, no, no. Of course I want you to come.

Andrew, Andrew... I was joking.

- Oh... (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)

Look at me, everyone. I'm Heidi!

(ALL LAUGH)

- Having boobs really suits you. - Yeah. Push them higher. Oh, my God.

Andrew, let's make babies so I can feed you with my jugs!

(ALL LAUGH)

I've put them on high beam for you...

Ah...I'll see you...later.

I've, uh... gotta go to work.

Yes, they're certified organic. Thank you!

(BAVARIAN MUSIC)

Award-winning sausages!

Gogo, please...not in the workplace.

I'm sorry about the boobs, OK?

I wasn't pretending to be Heidi. I just...

(SHRIEKS) Oh!

(SHRIEKS)

Where are your boobs now, huh?

It's OK! Go back to the show!

What happened?

I was fired.

- Fired? - I don't want to talk about it.

Have you got everything for gogo's party yet?

Because... I've had an idea.

(DANNY SPEAKS CANTONESE)

Oh!

What happened?

Burst air-conditioner.

I called the manufacturer but they say they can do nothing.

Well, if you need a plan B, I can always have the party at home.

I have extra staff coming, OK? So it will be clean in time.

Come on, this place will stink like a gweilo's armpit.

- Andrew wants the party here. - Only because you encouraged him.

Look, this is not about us!

OK.

OK, open the window! Here, take this outside.

Everyone, I want this floor so clean I can give birth on it - again!

(SPEAKS CANTONESE)

Ohh. (SIGHS) Well, I'm going to bed.

Mm-hm.

Lock the door on your way out.

Ohh!

What happened?

I only thought about getting the restaurant perfect.

I forgot about this.

Well, you can't sleep here.

I'll sleep in my car.

Just sleeping. Then you need to go first thing.

I don't want the children to be confused.

I don't want that either.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS) Can I go to sleep now?

- Oooh. Good night. - Shh! And no funny business.

So do you think they... you know, did it?

Melissa! And no, they had their undies on.

People can still do it with their undies on.

I watched this YouTube tutorial by this never-nude in Arizona...

- I just don't know what's happening. - What do you mean?

Clearly they're back together.

(BOTH SCREAM)

GIRLS: Mu-u-u-um!

TAM: Mum!

Mum!

D-don't come in! Mummy's naked!

What are you still doing here? What happened to your alarm?

- Mum, Michelle just ate one of her scabs! Mum! - Shh!

I wasn't eating it. I was just seeing what it tasted like. There's a difference!

- What time is it? - Time for you to leave.

I saw Michelle swallow it!

How am I supposed to leave?

Window.

(GIRLS CONTINUE ARGUING)

- That was nice. - Go!

- Go, go, go, go! - Mum!

This is going to be so good.

Are you sure Andrew's going to be OK with it?

Melissa, he's not supposed to be. That's the point.

Andrew's so good at all the sport.

You know, the cricket, he hit the ball so far. It's so good.

This is my daughter Candy. Mr and Mrs Tang.

- Well, I hope you have a good time. - Hey! You came.

Hey! Yeah.

- You look great. - Thanks.

Your...your face...looks great.

- Thanks. - No, I mean it. Uh...

All this... looks great.

Um... uh, good evening.

This is a very big night for Andrew. Um...

Um, A-Andrew has always been, uh, very special in our family

because in... in the Chinese culture,

the eldest boys are always the... the most important...

..er...the biggest priority.

But not that eldest girls and the second-oldest boy aren't also important.

And... and also the other ones.

Uh, not... not that I'm choosing favourites.

Um, but if I had to choose one I would definitely probably...

(LAUGHS) Hello, everybody! I'm Jenny, Andrew's mummy.

I think what Danny's trying to say is all family members are important.

And you are all like our family here tonight.

So lovely. I just want to kiss every one of you once tonight.

I remember the day Andrew was born.

All the nurses told me,

"Your son is the most beautiful thing we've ever seen."

I thought they told that to everybody, all the mothers.

And then I saw him...

my first son.

He was more beautiful

than the moon and the sun and the stars put together.

All the nurses were right.

He was much better-looking than all the other ugly babies.

(LAUGHTER)

Ai-ya, but every time I went to pick him up, the stitches...

Oh, it's time for cake! Mum...

Ah, yes. Now I'm talking too much.

Happy birthday to my handsome boy.

No.

My handsome MAN now.

- To Andrew. - To Andrew.

ALL: To Andrew! To Andrew!

And now, we have a big surprise!

(BIRTHDAY MUSIC PLAYS)

Heidi! Hei... It wasn't my idea! Heidi! Heidi!

I thought he was going to like it. I didn't mean to...

You never do.

Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!

He's locked himself in the bathroom. He won't talk to me.

I'm sure he's fine. He's probably just...

having private Andrew time.

Ai-ya, it's not masturbating. It's sadness.

It could be both.

Why didn't he like the cake? Everyone loves boobies.

Ah-Benjamin, you understand him better than Mummy.

Maybe you can talk to him.

Gogo...

You're going to have to come out eventually.

The TV guide says there's an MA-rated movie on SBS right now.

It's got an A, S and N. Adult themes, sex AND nudity.

The trifecta!

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

I'm moving in with Dad.

The cake was my idea.

Duh!

It's not the cake.

It's just easier with Dad.

Ow!

Bye, Mum.

Mum.

OK, I'm just going to say it. I thought the cake was funny.

Yeah, so did I. Me too.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't mean for it to happen.

You know, Mummy just thought of something.

You are the man of the house now.

- (LAUGHS) - (GIRLS LAUGH)

OK. Who wants more tits?

Me, please! Oh, give me a big piece.

Aunty Rose?

- (GASPS EXCITEDLY) - What are you doing here?

Danny has always been hopeless.

You deserve someone better.

Our marriage is none of your business.

Really?

These children are so... ungrateful.

I can help.

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