Original subtitles

BEN: Christmas is weird, when you think about it.

Everyone treats it like this family-friendly celebration,

but if you read the story properly,

it's all about virgin pregnancies, murdering babies

and kicking people out onto the street.

Merry Christmas!

- Mum, you can't wear that. - Ai-ya, no respect.

Tam, look what I found. Remember Rudolf-lah?

Yep. I made it for Dad.

So how's Dad getting his presents under the tree this year?

At Christmas, Dad helps with the tree,

but on the day, he just heads to work.

At least he won't need to travel far now he's sleeping there.

Plus, Dad doesn't like how all our presents are made in China,

even though he was made there too.

ANDREW: Ben, did you read the manual?

Yeah.

- There! - Yeah!

It never looks like that when Dad does it.

It said she was looking for all ages and body types.

Ben?

- Sorry, what? - What's wrong?

You haven't interrupted once.

What if Mum never lets Dad back? It's already been a week.

It'll be fine. It's not permanent.

- It was for Troy. - Troy's an only child.

And parents are more likely to endure a horrible sadness the more kids there are.

Oh, my God, stop!

Sorry, I was just checking your coccyx.

This is it.

Beryl Streep!

You ready?

Well...

This is so impressive!

And it's so refreshing to see the diversity here.

I mean, you with your... Orientalism

and you with your...

differently-abled carriage.

So, you want to be actors, hmm? Tell me why.

Well, I've always liked making people happy.

It's true. Every time he gets on stage, people can't stop laughing.

That's good, that's good.

And do you have any on-camera experience?

Our clarinet ensemble was on the local news once.

In the background, on a story on the crystal meth epidemic.

Well, that's... something.

Now, I see something special in you both.

But before we move on,

there's just the minor matter of our membership fees.

- DANNY: $400 is a lot of money. - It's an investment. In my career.

- $100. - Dad...

- $125. - You can't bargain. It's a set fee.

What are you doing to your underwear?

It kills the germs.

It's just until your mum decides not to be crazy any more.

You may be waiting a while.

And Christmas always makes her go even more nuts.

Dad... you should come to Christmas.

Ai-ya, you know how many customers I get for Christmas.

All the other restaurants are closed, so they have no choice,

which means...

If you took Christmas off, brought Mum a present...

Can't we do Christmas another day?

I can't do it. There's no way.

"Ooh, look at us! We have the perfect marriage.

"We have a perfect home and we have perfect children.

"Both of them have eyelids..." Blah, blah, blah!

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

- BOTH: Ai-ya! - Aunty... Aunty.

Ai-ya, Candy's pippy hairs, blocking the drain!

BOTH: Ah-Jenny!

Aunty... Aunty.

What?

Lady-boys.

- Someone got her period! - Shut up, Michelle!

I'm going to kill you!

Someone got her period...

Ai-ya, such busybodies!

Judge judge, snoop snoop!

Hello? At least I didn't have an affair with my cousin, Aunty Daisy.

Wait, you're not supposed to know about that.

So, I spoke to Dad and...

he's coming over for Christmas.

(SCOFFS) I don't think so.

You remember one time your daddy says he'll come to Christmas?

- You were so excited. - I remember.

But no Daddy. You all went to bed so disappointed.

Then he wakes you up in the middle of the night, dressed as Santa.

Scared out your living shit!

This will be different.

He's taking the day off work for us.

Okay. So Daddy comes.

Then what?

Daddy complains, everyone stress...

I'll do it. Decorations, shopping, the food...

Everything.

You?

Just give Dad this one chance.

You know, when we first got married, I was so happy.

Daddy was so handsome. Everyone said "Perfect couple."

Then after, pop-pop-pop, baby-baby-baby.

Then cooking, cleaning, wipe up poo-poo.

No more romantic time, nothing.

Poof! All gone.

And you won't need to worry because when you come over...

- I haven't said I'm coming over. - ...you won't need to do a thing.

- Mum will be relaxed... - Yeah, but...

And I've spoken to Uncle Clement. He'll open and close.

All you have to do is turn up, and then it's going to be so much fun.

- Everything will go perfectly and... - Okay, okay. Okay.

- You're a good boy. - Dad, come on!

I don't just wake up like this.

Okay. This is for food. Get only the best.

No home brand, okay?

- What are you wearing? - Do you like it?

They say red... is the most eye-catching colour!

(CLARINETS PLAY 'JINGLE BELLS')

Eugh! Why would someone give us a tooth?

Oh, no, it's a Tic Tac.

Nuh! That's a tooth.

Are all parents so difficult? How come yours are so close?

Well, Mum says touch is the key.

Yuck!

Listen to this.

(MUFFLED CRIES)

Is that... human?

That's Mum.

(FEMALE SQUEALS & MALE GRUNTS)

That's Dad.

(WHOOSHING NOISE)

Sorry, that's the blender. I was making a smoothie.

Can I use two Shop-A-Dockets at the same time?

And I also have my "Sassy Singles" discount card.

Miss Streep! Hello!

Oh, hello, you... two.

And look at those outfits.

So precious! (LAUGHS)

We've been busking so that we can afford your fees...

Miss Streep, we were wondering,

do you offer payment plans of any sort?

Because if we put down a deposit...

As soon as you have the cash, I will find you work immediately.

I mean, with a face like yours...

Okay, well...

Merry Christmas!

Seven, eight, nine dollars and...

80 cents change.

Which brings us to a new total of...

What are you doing?

Hey!

Seriously? Acting?

She's represented two Most Promising New Talent Logie nominees.

Ben, all these people are 'gweilo'.

She may as well call it the Aryan Acting Academy.

Oh, well, she's black.

Actually... that might be a tan.

(SLAPPING SOUND)

Tammy, please, you don't tenderise an intact bird.

Are you sure about this?

Mrs Campbell from Home Ec said cooking turkey's really hard.

Yes, well, after her nervous breakdown,

Mrs Campbell probably thinks everything is hard.

Why not just do Mum's steamboat? Then we could put these in.

Because we're doing a proper Christmas this year!

Now stretch this open.

- Open it. - Eurgh! Gross!

Eurgh!!

(SQUEALS)

(ALL SQUEAL)

The poor turkey. So spread open.

If anyone knows what that feels like, it's Jenny...

ALL: Mum!

Will your dad even eat this?

Is Dad coming over for Christmas?

TAM & MICHELLE: Yay!!

(RHYTHMIC BEATING)

Come on!

Form. Stiff. Peaks.

(GASPS)

Good evening, sister.

Ben!

Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Mum said you were going out with Nicki.

I didn't know Nicki had...

become a man!

Oh, my God! Have you...

- Ben! Gross! - Do Mum and Dad know?

Don't say anything. They have enough to worry about.

What's in it for me?

50. - 20.

- 45. - 25, otherwise I'll tell everyone

about the time you bent over in the bathroom to stare at your...

Deal!

You are Martha Stewart. You are Nigella Lawson.

You are the Two Fat Ladies before their untimely deaths.

Tammy!

I said the size of matchsticks. Those look like toes.

Michelle, please! You have to let the dough rest.

(SNEEZES) JENNY: Ho-ho-ho!

Mum... Where did you get that?

Oh, it was on sale at Wicked But Wonderful.

Just like Mummy.

(CAR HORN TOOTS)

Dad's here!

Yaaaaay! Dad, Dad, Dad...

Okay, okay... Tam, stop it!

Careful this one. Ay, oh, oh... careful.

No, no, no! Don't shake that.

- Careful, careful. - Okay, girls... careful, okay?

Ah-Jun... these are for you.

Oh... they're lovely.

- Let me put them in water for you. - No, that's okay, I can do it.

- Mum, can we open a present now? - Okay, just one each.

Ah-Tam-Tam...

Ah-Candy...

Um... I'll be back, in a sec.

- Okay. - MICHELLE: What'd you get?

Ah-Ben...

Awesome! Thanks, Dad.

Andrew-ah...

TAM: Billion bubbles generated.

(SIGHS) $50 short.

Remember the first time you brought me flowers?

It was on our first date in Tsim Tsa Tsui.

Oh, yes...

- Cherry blossoms... - Oriental lilies.

Oh... Oriental lilies. Of course. I always get them confused.

Ah-Jun...

I've been thinking that...

Let's talk later.

Today's about the kids.

Oh, you're right.

Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum! Look what Dad got me.

Oh!

I'm going to call her Buttons. Hew-wo, Buttons.

But, Mum, she's so cute!

Okay, okay. But where will it live?

I've taken care of that. Outside.

Kids! Out the back. Come on.

You shouldn't be here. It's Christmas!

I had to see you.

Oh!

What is it?

You'll see.

"For when I'm not there." Oh, Wayne...

You are ruining everything. Get back inside!

What are you talking about?

(VOICES FROM INSIDE)

You have to go. Now!

- Hey, hey! What's going on? - I'll call the police!

No, wait!

This is Wayne.

My boyfriend.

G'day.

JENNY: But he's a white man.

CANDY: Yeah, I think I've noticed that because I have eyes.

Stop being so racist. Your mummy doesn't see race.

She only sees people. How come you didn't tell me?

- Because I knew you'd be like this. - You should be thinking about university.

I've already applied!

Australian boys are only interested in one thing.

S-E-X.

Asian vaginas are smaller. Fun for them, pain for you!

- Mum, Wayne is not like that. - How do you know?

You've known this boy for how long?

Probably as long as you and Dad did before you got married.

Exactly! Look where we are now.

Who's hungry?

This is different.

Candy, you don't know what you're talking about.

We're in love!

Food's ready!

Mmm...

Wayne!

More turkey? Don't be shy.

Thank you.

So, Wang...

Wayne.

Wayne. What is your job?

I'm a plumber.

ALL: Oh...

Ben...

This is so good!

And by the way, you guys are totally not what I expected,

the way that Candy speaks about you...

More gravy?

- It's made with real blood. - Yum!

Ben, sit down. Your turkey's getting cold.

We can take care of ourselves.

- Asian languages are so interesting. - Who wants another drink?

Mum, Dad... speak English!

I have something to say!

Just wanted to make a toast to the family and belonging to this one.

- Stop interrupting! - All gathering together...

to forgive and forget...

everything.

Mm. Like letting strangers into our house on Christmas Day.

And into our daughter, probably.

He is not a stranger!

We are in love.

And...

we're getting married.

What? What are you saying? You only just met.

We've... been together for a year.

A year? When? How?

All your sleepovers at Nicki's. The "mathletics" competition.

Schoolies!

- This is a house of lies! - I didn't teach my children to lie.

Stop it! Stop treating me like a child.

- BOTH: You are a child! - I am not a child!

(EVERYONE SHOUTS AT ONCE)

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up, all of you!

I just wanted today to be pleasant!

(GROANING)

Oh, Michelle!

(MICHELLE RETCHES)

The recipe said it's ready once the juice runs clear.

What?

I said it can't have been the turkey.

It's supposed to be ready once the juice runs clear.

Oh, yes! It's definitely running clear.

I ruined everything.

Oh...

I'm sorry, Dad.

That's okay. You were just trying to help.

Next time. Okay.

Oh, oh...

Just in case.

Bye!

What'd you do with my money?

You were short. I made up the difference.

And this looks more professional.

Not so tight, not so tight...

Oh, Ah-Ben...

What?

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I know you worked really hard for today.

And I know you're very upset about the turkey.

We all are.

But I want you to know...

(VERY DEEP BURP)

I want you to know that today was almost perfect.

Almost.

But even if it was 100%...

that still doesn't mean all the other days are suddenly okay.

Why can't you just forgive Dad?

How can I accept your father's apology

when he hasn't even apologised?

Hey!

Someone didn't open their gift.

"For when I'm not there."

See? I knew Dad wouldn't just give you discount flowers.

Maybe I underestimated him.

Wait...

What is that?

As an experiment,

Danny will take the children on Saturdays by himself.

Dad came with us on everything the Bee Slide, the Bee Coaster...

Bye!

We had fun. "Fun Dad".

All she does is nag and shout all the time. It's boring.

BANG!! (ALL SCREAM)

Mummy's coming too!

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